Take My Advice Millie Inbetween

Leo, did you nick my earphones?

No. Your earphones are rubbish.

They've been in your ears.

Right, well, I'm borrowing yours.

Yeah, right. Like you did when you broke them.

I'm sticking them on my head.

Living in this house means I get to see a LOT of teenage tension.

I'm always using technology.

Leo, loan her your earphones.

-Leo!

-I can't hear you.

He can't hear you. He's wearing earphones.

-They're only earphones.

-But, Mum!

I can't believe you lot sometimes.

Parents just don't get the teenage mind.

Look at Mum.

How do you get through so many clothes?

There's these too.

You don't seriously expect me to wash all of this?

No, this one's dry-cleaning.

And so I don't waste MY valuable experience,

I've started a blog on the school net.

I'm helping confused parents get inside the teenage mind,

but I'm not using my real name.

I call myself Teen Fixer.

I don't want my lot knowing.

That's why I've got an alarm system.

A rather noisy wind chime.

And my privacy tent.

Now, to work on my latest post.

What to do if your teenager goes all secretive?

Of course, I'm not a problem teen myself.

Hello, love. Have you been attaching things to your door?

So what if I have? It's my door.

To be fair, it's the door to your room in our house.

You're always on us to use our own initiative,

and when we do, you complain about it.

Well, maybe you should just ask me first.

Maybe you should just stop interfering, honestly.

Well, that went well.

-What's wrong with you?

-SHE SCOFFS

It's Declan. He's just so keen about everything,

and so organised all the time.

It's exhausting!

So, to translate,

he really likes you and he's planned nice things for you to do together.

Exactly, so controlling!

Like, the other weekend, I said, "Let's just hang out and chill,"

so then he gives me this.

An itinerary.

He calls it a chilltinerary.

How are you meant to relax on a timetable?

Oh, come on, I've seen you two sitting around just giggling.

Yeah, but that's covered by point 5 - sofa banter.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

-Not again.

-Well, he's obviously really keen on you.

Yes. He's also just outside that window!

Well, there you go.

He's very attentive.

No, he's very annoying.

You just don't understand anything.

Well, so I'm told. Maybe you should explain it to me.

SHE SIGHS

Maybe you should just stop interfering.

Need a hand washing up those peas?

Oh.

You all right?

Yeah, I just keep falling out with my prickly teens.

I have to tread so carefully.

It was much easier when they were just babies.

I don't know. When Craig was a baby, I trod in one of his nappies once.

That wasn't great, either.

SHE SIGHS

Hi.

Oh, are you two coming around today?

Yeah. We're actually here now.

Or at least I think we are.

-Are you all right, Sharon?

-No, not really.

How does Franma cope with a house full of teens?

By off-loading us onto you. I'm going up to see Leo.

Just feel like I'm losing touch with how you lot think.

Well, you could check out this blog.

It's by this teenager for the school intranet.

It lets parents understand their mind-set.

You could write in.

What? Get parenting advice from a teenager?

-SHE LAUGHS

-I'm not THAT desperate.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

Millie, please will you answer that?

It's been bleeping all morning. It's driving me mad.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES AGAIN

It's Clifford.

Who's Clifford?

Oh, this big nerd that Millie likes.

I don't like him.

I made the mistake of being polite to him,

when he was showing Jessie his rock collection.

Now he wants to come around and show me a calcite geode.

-What is that?

-I don't know.

And I don't want to know, either.

If he shows up, I'm not in, all right?

Oh, all right.

SHE SIGHS

No! Declan, no!

Well, I don't care!

You can keep on talking,

but I'm just going to put you in cornflakes.

Well, that was melodramatic, even for Lauren.

I know.

The last boyfriend who got a hair-toss that big is history.

I hope Lauren doesn't dump Declan.

He's WAY better than the others.

98, 99, 100!

Does he ever sit still?

No.

Hey, Millie, think fast.

Ow!

He's so energetic.

He's so cool.

Does he want a drink?

What would be the point?

He's so moody.

He's so cool.

WHOOPEE CUSHION TOOTS

HE LAUGHS

Whoopee cushion! I did that! Boom!

Brilliant.

High five.

SHE SCREAMS

-HE LAUGHS

-Fake hand. Boom!

He's so funny.

He's so cool.

OK, so I know Declan can be a bit over-keen,

and organised,

but compared to that lot, he's like Harry Styles.

I've got to help him.

Come on, Fran. We've got work do.

What?

We have to save Declan before he gets the hair flick of doom.

-Ideas?

-Don't worry.

I'll teach him a thing or two about being cool.

You were right to come to me with this, Millie.

There was literally no-one else.

Declan can learn a lot from me.

You should listen to him, Millie.

He's a genius.

I can see that.

He's so cool.

Jake, what are you wearing?

It's my game onesie, like Leo's.

It's changed my life.

And I'll change Declan's life, too.

With my teaching, soon his girl troubles will be over.

Could you teach me about girls, too?

Ooh, is there a special girl you're trying to impress, Jake?

I don't know. There might be.

It's confusing. Stop looking at me!

It's all right.

I'll let you sit in when I speak to Declan.

It's going to be a masterclass...

In coolitude.

Coolicious.

I managed to give Fran the slip long enough to check my e-mails.

TABLET DINGS

Oh, look -

another poor, clueless parent needs my help.

Exhaustedmum17.

Wow, she sounds desperate.

WIND CHIMES JANGLE

What are you doing?

Why are you hiding in a tent?

Because this is top-secret, for my eyes only.

Oh! What is it?

Ugh! Fran!

Are you the mystery blogger?

What? No.

Me?

Actually, yeah, I am.

But you can't tell anyone.

Oh, no. Keeping secrets makes me stressed.

I get itchy and sneezy when I have to lie.

Fran, are you sure that's not just hay fever?

No.

Well, whatever it is, you're going to have to suck it up,

because no-one can know that it's me.

I'll try.

Well, it is a relief to tell someone, though.

And I've just had a really juicy question come in.

Look.

Exhaustedmum17?

She's got these two kids - Molly and Lara.

They're a nightmare. They're always kicking off and arguing.

They sound spoiled.

Yeah, especially Molly.

She's a right little madam.

Answering back, storming out, unauthorised hammering.

She is the worst.

I'll bet it's that Molly Richards from down the road.

I never knew she was such a pain.

Well, she's about to get her comeuppance.

Teen Fixer is recommending

Exhaustedmum17 takes a firm line.

Let's think up some punishments for her.

-OK, what's the worst thing you can do to a teenager?

-Hmm?

-Grounding.

-Yes.

Oh! Taking her phone away,

then saying she doesn't know how lucky she is.

Nice one, Fran.

How about...

no Internet privileges?

Harsh. Poor Molly.

Well, it's tough love, and she shouldn't be such a little monster,

should she?

PHONE DINGS

"No Internet privileges."

Good idea.

"Dear Teen Fixer,

"thank you for your advice.

"I wish my children were as mature

"and thoughtful as you."

TABLET DINGS Aww, sweet.

"Dear Exhaustedmum17,

"I wish my parents were as clued in as you."

I'm going to go get a drink.

Aww. Oh, that is sweet.

What's sweet?

Oh, uh, I wrote in to that blog that you recommended.

Oh, right.

Yeah, but don't tell anyone.

I'm Exhaustedmum17.

All the other exhausted mum usernames were taken.

But it's our little secret, OK?

Mm-hm.

SHE SNEEZES

Oh, is it hay fever?

Mm-hm.

OK, Declan, apparently,

you're the best boyfriend Lauren's ever had.

Which isn't saying much.

But now, you're circling the plughole.

So I'm here to give you a pep talk.

Wow, are things really that bad?

See this thread?

This is what you're hanging by.

My assistant Jake will be...assisting.

I'm going to teach you to be laid back and play it cool.

-That is brilliant.

-Lesson one -

cut that right out.

OK.

Now, instead of being such an eager beaver,

just act like you're not that bothered.

Not that... But I want to make Lauren happy.

-I want to fill her every moment with...

-Stop!

OK, role-play.

Jake will be Lauren. I'll be you.

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Oh, clothes!

Shopping. Pop music.

When are we going on or next date?

I don't mind. Whenever.

Whatever.

-DEEP VOICE:

-OK, cool.

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-I'm going to go shoe shopping and argue with my mum.

OK, laters.

Interaction complete.

Good work, Jake. She sounds just like that.

Can I just say something like, um,

"Hey, let's go disco bowling."

No. No, no, no.

See, that's trying too hard.

Rather than planning a date,

just act like you could go out or stay in, you know?

Either way, you're cool.

That is brilliant.

Uh, uh, uh.

I mean, um...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-..yeah, whatever.

Now you're getting it.

Rock boy is such a loser, but he won't stop texting me.

Well, you don't have to text him back.

Mum, mind your own business.

Sorry, that was just my mum poking her nose in.

Right!

If you're going to talk like that, I'm taking your phone.

-You can't do that.

-Yes, I can, and any more rudeness,

you're going to lose Internet privileges.

You can't. You're such a...

Go on, keep talking.

-See what I do.

-But, Mum!

There are some new ground rules around here.

It's called tough love.

You don't know how lucky you are.

"Tough love?

"Taking my phone away, and I'm the lucky one?"

She's Exhaustedmum17!

KNOCKING

Morning.

Fran, I think Mum's been writing in to my blog.

I can't believe she thinks I'm as bad as that Molly Richards.

Here's a radical idea.

Why don't you just tell her the truth?

No way. Knowledge is power.

I've got the upper hand now.

I'm going to fix this.

Oh, no.

Oh, see? She DID reply.

"Molly didn't have an answer.

"She looked a bit shocked."

That's outrageous.

Yeah, terrible.

See how she likes THIS for an answer.

"Dear Exhaustedmum17,

"the more I hear,

"the more I realise that Molly

"is a bright, sensitive kid

"who needs understanding and not punishing."

Do you have a tissue?

"Your harshness will lead

"to bad behaviour in the long run."

I can pretty much guarantee that.

I'm not sure this is such a good idea, Millie.

Nonsense. It's genius.

"Your daughter needs more freedom.

"You should let her eat junk food,

"stay up late watching TV,

"and hammer whatever she likes."

Right. So...

Well, who does that sound like to you?

Sounds like pretty much any kid.

It's definitely her.

"There's nothing worse than a meddling mother."

Oh, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

Do you think I'm meddling?

What? No.

-Who said that?

-Millie, on her blog.

Millie's got a blog? Huh!

They're all at it, aren't they?

BLENDER WHIRS

OK, so, I've been practising

and I think I've got the "who cares" bit down now.

-OK. Let's give it a test run.

-Yeah, if you want.

Not really that bothered.

Declan, you've got to take this seriously.

Oh, I get it. You're doing it now, nice.

I think you might be ready for a full test flight.

Oh! Don't.

That's exciting. I mean, um,

yeah, yeah, I'm easy.

-So, how's the blogger's advice working out?

-Oh, it's all right.

I know it's Millie.

You don't have to cover for her any more.

Ah! Thank goodness that's over.

Who does she think she is, telling parents how to parent?

I know, right?

Maybe you should say something, get it all out in the open.

Oh, no. No, not going to tell her that I know.

And neither are you.

But... But why not?

Because I'm going to play her at her own game.

Or you could just confront her and we could all relax and move on.

No. My way's going to be much more fun.

Yeah. I seriously doubt that.

Bless you.

Mum, what is going on?

Just a nice little treat for my bright girl.

What's this?

Well, you've been working so hard recently.

Never off your tablet, doing homework, I presume.

-Yeah, of course.

-Course. So I thought you deserved

a nice break from all your hard work.

Aww, thanks, Mum.

Comfy?

You've got all your new releases

and the rental runs out in 24 hours,

so make sure you watch all four tonight.

But it's a school night.

Oh, I know, don't worry about that.

But this is like six hours of film.

I know. You're welcome.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, I'm going to be so late.

Why didn't you wake me?

I thought you deserved a lie-in.

SHE SIGHS

-I'll miss the bus.

-Have a good day at school, love.

Mum being super-nice all the time is a nightmare.

I'd rather just be grounded.

At least you know where you stand with a decent grounding.

SHE SCOFFS

-Hi.

-Hi. So, where shall we go tonight?

I'm not really bothered either way.

Either way? What ways?

Well, I had a couple of ideas but I'm not really bothered what we do.

OK, cool.

Hi.

Well, I thought we could go and see a movie or go and have a picnic.

Or we could just hang out here.

Yeah. Yeah, although I did find

some great picnic spots and I packed a hamper,

just casually.

A casual hamper.

Oh, well, I printed out some of the film reviews.

And a rough list of possible snacks.

So you have planned two trips in intricate detail?

Yeah. Can you hurry up and decide,

cos not knowing's actually really getting to me?

Declan, can I have a word?

I was wrong, you're not ready to go this alone.

What, I thought I was doing pretty well?

Yeah, I don't know anything about girls, but you weren't.

But it's OK, we're going to be your backup.

Put in this earpiece.

Pretend it's your music.

-OK.

-I'll be on my phone to talk to you through the date.

Now, get back in there before she dumps you over text.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Got the tunes.

So where did you get to?

Oh, um, just...

Say, "Nowhere in particular," and don't make eye contact.

Oh, nowhere in particular. And don't make eye contact.

-What?

-Not the last bit.

Uh...

-Nothing. Whatever.

-OK.

Do you want to go out, then?

"I don't mind, not bothered."

I don't really mind, I'm not really bothered.

OK, well, maybe just for a coffee.

-"Whatever."

-Yeah, whatever.

-Good man.

-Good man.

-Good man?

-Thanks.

Let's shoot, eh?

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I've come to see Millie.

-Oh, please, come in.

-Thank you, Mrs Taylor.

-Please, make yourself comfortable.

Millie, you've got a visitor.

It's Clifford, the rock boy.

-What's he doing here?

-He came out to see you.

And you let him in?

You have the freedom to decide who you want to hang out with.

But Clifford is so dull.

But that's none of my business.

I don't want to interfere.

Millie will be straight through.

The worst part is - this is all my own advice.

It's like Mum's getting it wrong on purpose.

Millie, come and meet my calcite geode.

Wait.

What if it IS on purpose?

Mum must know I'm the blogger and she's punishing me with kindness.

That is low.

Millie, hurry.

I've got a rock that looks just like Ed Sheeran.

Really?

OK. Act casual.

Don't let them see you.

Declan, if you can hear me, lean back.

Good. Now, don't make any eye contact.

Imagine there's something fascinating on the ceiling.

So, do you know what you want to order yet?

Stay on track.

Remember - "Whatever."

I don't really mind, whatever.

I guess I'll just order for both of us, then.

Yeah, I suppose.

Why not?

OK, good.

Remember - don't be all bouncy.

Let her come to you.

CRACKLING FEEDBACK

-MUFFLED:

-Hey, did you hear me?

We're losing him.

The battery's dead. What do we do now?

Nothing.

He's on his own now.

I just hope I've done enough.

So, I'll just get anything, then?

Yeah.

Although they do have curly fries.

I guess we COULD get curly fries.

Oh, no, no. Actually, if we get two specials it comes with curly fries.

Or the combo meal and we get free refills and curly fries.

I'll tell you what, let's do that.

I'll order for us, it'll be awesome.

You know what, I'm not so sure that I'm hungry any more.

I just sort of feel bad about what I did,

but Mum wasn't exactly straight with me either.

I think you should tell her the whole truth and apologise.

You'll feel better. We all will.

Fran, it wasn't all my fault,

and I think that Molly Richards could take some responsibility.

See you later.

OK, I just wanted to...

Right.

"Dear Exhaustedmum17..."

Hiya.

Lauren, I'm sorry about yesterday in the cafe.

I've come to talk to you about a trip to TRNSMT.

Look, I'm not so sure that I want to go any more.

Maybe you should just flog our tickets.

But I think Declan's come to tell you

he didn't buy any tickets.

I didn't?

No, no, I didn't buy any.

Wait, you didn't get tickets.

That's what you've come to say, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I forgot.

See, the old Declan would have probably set an alarm so he could be

first on the website.

I'd have set two so I didn't miss the first one.

But he's so much more laid back now.

He probably didn't even bother, right?

Yeah, yeah. No, I didn't bother.

You didn't organise tickets.

What were you thinking?

But I thought you said you didn't want to go now.

Well, I wanted the choice not to be able to go, Jake.

That's different.

I can't believe you sometimes.

OK, look, I'm sorry, Leo.

I did get tickets.

I was so excited and I wanted to surprise you.

SHE EXHALES

-I'm sorry if I let you down.

-What...?

Are you kidding me? We're going to TRNSMT!

I really don't understand girls sometimes.

Nobody does, my friend.

Nobody does.

I just read Molly's comments on that blog.

Yeah?

Yeah.

She said sometimes she could be a bit manipulative with her mother.

Yeah. I get the sense that, even though they argue,

she knows her mum wants what's best for her.

She seems like a smart girl.

-Well played.

-You, too.

I'm sorry Molly's been a bit difficult recently.

It's fine.

I'm sure she has got lots on her plate.

And she's right - sometimes kids can be manipulative,

but they should remember their parents have had

a lot more practice at it.

Yeah, I noticed.

I'm giving up the blog. No more being sneaky.

Fran just couldn't take the sneezing.

So, I might have to find myself a new hobby.

There's always rock collecting, I suppose,

and Clifford is giving me a few to start off my collection.

Let's see. SHE GASPS

This one really does look like Ed Sheeran.

And there's Taylor Swift.

And this one looks like Lady Gaga.

I could really get into this.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS