Best Actress Goes To... Millie Inbetween

There's been a lot of drama in our house recently.

Not bad drama.

Theatrical drama.

They've finally announced that the school play is going to be...

-Romeo...

-And Juliet.

Goodnight, goodnight.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.

Huh...

See what I mean? The auditions are today and all of the lead roles are

going to Lauren's year group.

But Lauren's not the only person who thinks they deserve one.

A plague on both your houses.

These auditions cannot come quick enough.

Fare thee well.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

It's been a week since the school show auditions and the cast list

went up today. The thing is, Ms Conway, the drama teacher,

hasn't exactly gone for traditional casting.

Friar Lauren!

I mean, do I look like a friar?

I can't even fry an egg.

That's why they call it acting.

Anyway, he's not that kind of fryer.

So, what's he like?

He makes dodgy plans and schemes that ends in complete disaster.

Oh, so I'll base my character on you, then.

Ms Conway has decided to go for cross casting which means the girls

are playing boys and the boys are playing...

Juliet!

How can I be Juliet?

I think it's a great new way to do a really, really old play.

Well, I think it's stupid.

So you're not taking the part?

Of course I am. It's the lead role.

His ego doth know no bounds.

A-ha! Just the man I was looking for.

-You mean girl.

-Do I?

-What's up?

-Fast, mean, racing machines.

Kart Attacks. The third-biggest local go-kart racing competition.

You get to design, build and race the go-kart of your dreams.

You dream about go-karts?

Yeah. Craig and I designed the ultimate go-kart.

We called it The Incinerator because all the other karts are

-going to get BURNED.

-Cool.

So, we signed up for the race ages ago.

-And Craig's not here to help me build it so I thought maybe you could.

-Go-karts? No clue.

Gold, I could help you with, if I had the time.

-But now I have rehearsals every day after school.

-Oh, not to worry.

I guess The Incinerator can wait for another year.

Oh, no, don't put it off.

-Why don't you ask Jake?

-That is a great idea.

Ho-ho! This go-kart's going to make the Batmobile look like a tricycle.

Wow. And I thought I was competitive.

I've decided that I'm fine with being cast as a man.

I'm just going to pretend like I'm a girl but less cool.

Ah, that's great, love. But what made you change your mind?

It's actually a really important part.

Nothing exciting would happen if it wasn't for the friar.

In fact, the play should be called Romeo and Juliet and the Friar.

It's not the catchiest title, is it?

Whatever. As long as I get a cute costume.

You'll be the most stunning friar ever.

I don't know why all these Hollywood actors go on about it being such a

hard job. All I've got to do is put on a dress and talk in a

high-pitched voice. Part sorted.

-Is that, like, a joke?

-No.

Is that actually all you think there is to being a girl?

Course not. I think that's all I need to do to pretend to be one.

Hey, Juliet, one of Shakespeare's greatest female characters,

I think you'll find it's a little bit more complex than that, Leo.

Complex? She's just a young girl.

-Right, Declan?

-You know no-one thinks like that any more, right?

Well, except Leo, who is apparently 1,000 years old.

You deserve that, mate.

Welcome. Millie's through there.

I came straight away, just like you said.

Now let's build a gold car.

You do know I said go-kart, right?

-That'll be a lot easier.

-Thanks for agreeing to do this with me, Jake.

I used to have Craig to do all my boy stuff with.

Why not ask Leo?

He's busy becoming Juliet.

Long story. Now, let me introduce you to The Incinerator.

Looks like a shopping trolley.

This go-kart has maximum visibility due to its elevated driving position.

And the lateral bumpers protect it from collisions.

And a three-speed gearbox to optimise acceleration.

-Wow.

-I know.

I understood, like, 2% of that.

But when do we get to hammer stuff?

-You do know what a go-kart is, right?

-Totally.

-Great.

But why build that when we could build a time machine?

-Oh!

-Don't mind me.

OK, let's go back to the start.

Now, we have elevated seating.

Ooh, you sure you want to do that? It's going to slow you down.

-Says who?

-The laws of physics.

You see, the high driver will increase air resistance.

But if you lower the seat, it will be more aerodynamic.

Or you could just add a spoiler.

No, don't tell me what happens at the end.

But then I'd have to redo all my designs.

-Well, I could help you.

-No, it's all right, I've got Dec...

..helping me.

Is it because I'm a girl?

No, no. I'll have you know I'm a proud feminist.

But you said this was boys' stuff.

You're hired. Welcome to Team Speed Demon.

So how's everything with your parents?

It's going to run and run.

Dad's back. Now he wants us all to go on holiday, to work things out.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Hiking on Orkney.

Like, my mum's favourite thing.

-How was rehearsal?

-Oh, great, for some of us.

Complete waste of time.

Why are we even doing this play?

It's over 400 years old.

So nearly as old as your attitudes about girls, then.

Leo's just mad because Ms Conway said that Juliet is meant to be a

tragic heroine, not a cliched joke.

And if he wants to keep the role he'd better do some work.

What does Ms Conway know? I got some laughs, didn't I?

Yeah, but probably for all the wrong reasons.

And Ms Conway knows what she's talking about.

She said my friar had loads of sass.

Oh, the friar needs a lot of sass, then?

But I'm not wasting time doing research.

Why would I ever need to know what it's like to be a girl?

Never know. Might come in handy one day.

Sorry. Did you not want an answer?

Whatevs. Ms Conway can find another Juliet.

Because I'm quitting.

Oh!

Well, I don't know about Juliet but he plays a stroppy teenager very well.

So, Leo's given up the lead role before he's even started,

just because he can't begin to think like a girl or won't try and find

out. OK, there must be some way to reach him,

some way to bring out his inner Juliet.

Make him feel what she felt.

After all, he did help me and Jessie with our dance routine.

Good, nice.

Yep. Come on, Jessie. Nice, spin, and big air.

Good. Come on, Jessie.

So, I guess I sort of owe him for that.

We've got to make sure he sticks with the part and gets it right.

THUDDING

That is not helping.

So not Juliet.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

What?

We were wondering if you could stop the house quake.

-Anything else?

-Yeah.

Any chance you could stop insulting teenage girls?

I said I'm quitting the play, didn't I?

-You and I both know you don't like to quit.

-What choice have I got?

Well, you could actually put the work in.

Not when I'm surrounded by girls making fun of me.

That's the point.

You're surrounded by girls.

-Maybe we can help.

-You can? How?

Well, A, we're girls.

And B, acting's about putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

We can help you understand Juliet.

You know what it's like to be so boy-crazy that you lose

-all sense of reason?

-No, but I know someone who does.

No way! Why should I help Leo?

Because it'll be fun making him see how girls suffer.

Hm. I'm in. Let's start scheming.

MUSIC: The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

-BOTH:

-I've come up with a new design.

What, wait, you've designed a go-kart?

Yeah. I said I'd help.

Yeah, I thought you meant just handing me tools and stuff.

The Incinerator 2.

-Nice gearbox configuration.

-Thanks, yeah, I thought we'd start with that.

-Wait.

Aren't you going to have a look at my design?

Wow. It's got four speed.

Yeah, and it's got a cooling system for the engine.

-Yeah, I still think we'll go with mine, though.

-What, why?

Why, I've built loads of go-karts. It's what boys do.

So we're going with yours because you're a boy?

No. You know I don't think like that.

It's just, well, I've dreamt of building The Incinerator.

And now I finally get to.

-I tell you what, if mine doesn't work out, then we'll go with yours, yeah?

-Fine.

But you're handing me the tools.

-I was watching that.

-Oh, better put it back, then.

Yeah. Don't want to upset Leo.

He goes all red when he gets upset.

This is a girl's lesson, isn't it?

Yep. Guys mostly ignore girls.

-When they're not teasing them.

-OK, I think I get it, so...

-Or talking over them.

-But I was going to...

Yeah, they talk over them a lot.

Even when they have nothing to say.

So, teasing means the guys don't like you. I mean, me.

No. It usually means they fancy you.

-What?

-Oh, you've got so much to learn.

-But don't worry, we'll mansplain.

-Huh?

PHONE BLEEPS

-What did you just do?

-Deleted someone called Hannah.

I was about to ask her out.

-Now I'll never know.

-Well, it doesn't matter, she's not suitable for you.

You can't tell me who I can and can't go out with.

Welcome to Juliet's world.

The boys get to be all laddy.

While you have to stay at home and be told who you can date.

And then you meet Romeo.

He's fun, he's forbidden, he actually listens to you.

Do you know how rare that is?

Well, can I at least have my phone back?

Did Juliet get to text Romeo?

I can't believe I finally built The Incinerator 2.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

We, we finally built it.

I know you worked hard on your plans, Fran,

but I think it was the right decision to go with the experience on this one.

Trust me, this little beauty is going to fly into first place.

The go-karts are allowed to fly?

How do you know it's going to work OK?

Because I know. Because I designed it.

-Yeah, but have you actually tried starting it?

-Well, no, but...

-Don't you think you should before the race?

-Absolutely.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

ENGINE CRASHES

Ow!

Are you OK?

Do think we should look at my plans now?

Is that my football kit?

Yep. Time to layer up.

Yeah, right. It's not cold, and I'm not about to play a match.

Uh, Juliet didn't get to wear clothes based on what she was doing

-that day, Leo.

-Juliet never had to wear shin pads.

You're right. She had to wear itchy underwear,

tight corsets and a million petticoats.

-Would you prefer that look?

-No.

I look ridiculous.

Only cos you're not wearing the right shoes.

No.

This outfit will be so on point.

-Literally.

-Come on, Millie, you can't be serious!

I can't walk in those. I'll break my neck.

-Whereas girls find these so comfortable?

-They like wearing them.

-Don't they?

-Yeah, we love wearing them.

-See?

-We love the way they make us totter around like giraffes on stilts,

like we love wearing those short tight little skirts that you can't

move in, or long flouncy dresses that make walking upstairs such an adventure,

or those little tops that finish before they've even started.

And why do we adore all of these lovely clothes?

Because TV, social media, and magazines tell us that we have to look good,

and everyone knows that that's our job.

-Good then?

-I was being sarcastic.

I draw the line at stilettos.

But acting's putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

Yeah, but literally?

Now, run or you'll miss the bus.

What? No! Tell it to wait!

Don't make me walk to school like this!

Ah, ow, ooh!

Ah...

That's better.

-Sore feet?

-Ah!

-How did it go? Did people stare at you?

Judge you for your appearance?

No. It was all fine. In fact, I probably started a trend.

Yeah, right. And the shoes?

Easy, once I mastered the walk.

Really? Show us then.

Yeah, maybe you could give us a few pointers.

No, don't make me wear them again.

OK, we'll let you off, but remember Juliet didn't have the choice.

So, get into character.

It's the afternoon.

-Where's she been?

-Just back from school?

She doesn't go to school, silly.

-She's a girl.

-So what's she doing now?

-Chilling?

-Nowhere in the play does it say Juliet chills.

-Does it, Millie?

-No. She doesn't have the time.

She's too busy being in love.

-So?

-So, she wouldn't be playing computer games for a start.

She'd be obsessing over her Romeo.

Obsessing how?

She couldn't stalk on social media.

And they say romance is dead.

She could embroider his face on a cushion, like a medieval selfie.

I am not expressing my love through needlepoint.

Well, you could write a sonnet.

A sonnet's like a love poem, expressing your deepest feelings.

-Are you mansplaining?

-One verse.

-Yeah.

Make it so soppy that the ink cries.

-Dude...

-There were no dudes.

Romeo, you are so hot.

She would not say "hot".

OK. Romeo, you are so...

fair

When I see your face

I walk on air

I count the hours until we meet

Torture has never been so sweet.

Leo, that was...

-Beautiful.

-Well,

it was either that or - "How do you get shoes to fit such big feet?"

-And the moment's gone.

-Talking of which, how are your feet?

Agony.

My heart is fluttering like a bird

Mine ear caresses every word uttered by fair Romeo

Wherever he goes, so must I follow.

Well, I've got to hand it to you, Fran,

your design looks more reliable and faster than The Incinerator.

And this one looks like it might actually move.

Too bad no-one was interested in my design.

It's a time machine.

We show up at the finish line before the race even starts,

and then all the other drivers will be like, "What?!"

So, what are you going to call it?

The Incinerator 3.

Oh, but it's your design, not mine.

Well, we both built it.

Besides, it will help you race better.

Oh, I'm not going to race this.

What? Because a girl helped you build it?

No, because you're going to race it.

Well, you worked really hard and you actually know what you're talking

about, so you should be the one to race it.

I've never raced before.

Hey, don't stop believing and hold on to that ceiling.

You didn't give it a ceiling.

Basically, you got this.

To The Incinerator.

Hello.

How did rehearsals go?

-OK.

-It was better than OK.

It was captivating.

So you're not dropping out, then?

How could I? According to Ms Conway,

my Juliet is beginning to come alive and has the potential to be a

beautifully nuanced performance.

I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I know that I can't leave now.

Just when the play needs me.

So it worked. We helped you channel Juliet?

Yeah.

Who knew I'd be such a great method actor?

Method acting is based on observation and emotional memory.

Are you mansplaining?

Maybe I should dig deeper.

Yes. It's not enough to understand teenage girls.

I must become one.

Why are you looking at me?

This is totally not my fault.

That's what Friar Laurence said.

I don't think this house can take another teenage girl.

# I don't mean to brag

# I don't mean to boast

# I love all y'all but I love me the most... #

-OVER TV:

-You know I'll always love you, Brad, but we can't be together.

At least not in this life.

# Go and raise your glass give yourself a toast

# I love all y'all but I love me the most

# I don't mean to brag I don't mean to boast

# I love all y'all but I love me

-# I love me

-I love me

-# I love me

-I love me

-# I don't know about you

-I don't know about you

-# But baby I love me

-Baby I love me

-# Now everybody sing

-Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey

-# I love me

-Hey-hey-hey

-# I love me

-Hey-hey-hey

-# Everybody sing

-Hey-hey-hey

-# I love me

-Hey-hey-hey

-# You love you

-Hey-hey-hey

-# I love me

-Me too.

-#

Enough. We cannot take any more cliches.

You think teenage girls are all about clothes, boys and selfies?

Lauren is obsessed with all of the things you just said.

Yeah, well, some girls do love a selfie marathon,

but not all teenage girls.

But what else is there?

Well...

MUSIC: Brianstorm by Arctic Monkeys

# Brian

# Top marks for not trying

# So kind of you to bless us with your effortlessness

# We're grateful and so strangely comforted

# And I wonder

# Are you putting us under?

# Cos we can't take our eyes off the T-shirt and ties combination

# Well, see you later, innovator... #

SCREAMING

# Thunder

# Are you putting us under?

# Cos we can't take our eyes off the T-shirt and ties combination

# Well, see you later, innovator. #

I am totally getting this.

We girls are just the same as guys.

Only more fabulous.

Right. And we like to play footie, and watch a proper scary movie.

Yeah, and guys like romcoms, or having a good goss.

Tell me about it, girlfriend.

They're the gossiest.

We can be anything we want to be.

Oh, no, we can't.

-But you said...

-We have to work twice as hard to get taken half as

-seriously.

-Now you're just being silly.

-See.

-Oh, yeah.

Have you even heard of the pay gap?

-The what?

-Or the glass ceiling?

It sounds a bit risky. What if it smashed?

We want it to!

-OK, now you've lost me.

-Right.

OK, Leo, look.

We've come a long way since Juliet, but we're still not equal yet.

It's like we can see it but we can't reach it.

You mean there's something blocking our way?

Hard, but see-through, like an ice wall.

Looks like The Incinerator got incinerated.

I can't believe I came last.

Hey, it is not because you're a girl.

-I know it's not.

-Oh.

It's because we didn't use tyres with enough traction.

-Hand me the wrench.

-Hand me the wrench.

Hand me the wrench.

Don't know what a wrench is.

Someone tell Leo to get a move on, will you?

You guys have got to be in costume in an hour.

Leo! Get down here!

Juliet, it's dinner!

-Somebody call me?

-So, how are the nerves?

Ready to break a leg?

-Not literally.

-Absolutely.

I think the audience is really going to connect to Friar Laurence.

-Leo...

-What?

You look like you might be sick.

What if I'm not a good Juliet?

What if I need more rehearsals?

-I don't think I'm ready.

-Well, whatever happens tonight,

Mike and I are going to be very proud.

Pass me the milk, Leo.

No, Mike. No, I will not pass you the milk,

because that's what society expects, women to do what they're told.

-Women?

-I think he's Juliet now.

With their hair, and with their make-up.

Even telling them to wear make-up in the first place.

What's wrong with their actual faces?

We never told men they need contouring.

-I taught him that word.

-Then, there's the pay gap.

Why should you get paid more than Sharon?

Actually, Sharon earns more than me.

Good. That's a start,

after the years and years of not even earning equal money.

Because I'll tell you something, Mike.

Girls are not just passive objects.

They are footballers, and go-kart builders,

and weird vegetable cushion designers,

and they should be able to choose who they fall in love with.

Just wanted a glass of milk.

I think he's ready.

Well, the show did in fact go on, and it was actually pretty good.

OK, so some of the cast forgot their lines,

and a piece of set nearly flattened the boy playing the nurse,

but that whole cross casting thing really worked.

I've never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.

This comes from the girl who wears five-inch heels.

It was worth it, though. The audience really connected with the Friar.

Guest that's what suffering for your art means.

Oh, well, someone certainly suffered.

Well, I thought you was the most beautiful friar ever.

Thank you. Well, obviously.

But the biggest surprise of the night was definitely...

The best Juliet since Dame Judi Dench.

That's what Ms Conway said.

You really nailed it tonight.

Girls everywhere will thank you for not just putting on a long dress and

a squeaky voice.

OK, that was a dumb idea,

and I guess I was a bit of a dinosaur, girl attitude-wise, but weirdly,

doing this ancient play has made me get with the 21st century.

So, from now on, you'll give girls more respect?

No. I'll give you the same as boys,

because after seeing you and Lauren watch scary movies,

make weird experiments and headbang to my favourite running track,

I realised that we're pretty much the same.

Who's doing the washing up?

Not me. I'm exhausted after giving the performance of a lifetime.

Uh-oh, I think I've created a diva.