Saving Private Romford Pixelface

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Make room! Make room!

-Romford's in trouble.

-What happened?

He was captured by the alien robot.

I managed to rescue him,

but I think he might have activated his self-destruct protocol.

That a bad thing, self-destruct protocol?

I don't think there is such a thing as a good self-destruct protocol.

It's like an enjoyable trip on public transport.

What do the numbers mean?

When that timer reaches zero... Well, let's just say it...

It could mean the end for Romford.

Who's hungry? I'm hungry.

-What? Too soon?

-Aethelwynne!

No, I just mean I'm hungry because of all this distressing information.

It's making me hungry with concern.

You should be concerned, elf boy.

When he reaches the end of that sequence,

he will release a massive electromagnetic pulse,

which could wipe out all the data in the vicinity.

Including us.

-THEY GASP

-Oh, no!

Well, us includes me.

-Well, don't just kneel there, we have to get him out of here.

-No way!

Look, I'm as upset as the rest of you. This is nothing personal.

I just think you should take him back into your game and allow him

to self-destruct in the vacuum of space, and we can get lunch.

Are you sure it's nothing personal?

-I seem to recall you and Romford didn't always get along.

-Nonsense.

Oh, really? Console, play history log.

Search terms: Aethelwynne and Romford rows.

Search returned over 500,000 results.

Would you like to refine your search?

No, just play the first few.

Playing results.

I'm going to put you in the laundry basket.

No, don't you dare! Don't you do it!

Here, elf boy, get your Legolas off me.

I'm not just a foot stool, you know.

I know. You're also a marvellous mini fridge.

Delicious!

ROMFORD LAUGHS

Did I mention I've also got a shake-the-can function?

Stay in there and be quiet, OK?

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

Ow! Ooh! What is that noise?

That is a tone that only elves can hear.

-Turn it off! It hurts! Turn it off!

-Only if you take me out of here.

And I warn you, I've got another noise

that will actually make you wet yourself.

Oh, all right!

Thank you very much. You know what?

-I might make that wetting yourself noise anyway.

-Oh, yeah?

-No, don't... Put that remote control down!

-No!

-Right.

Wah! What is that? Turn it off!

There's plenty more where they came from.

All my laundry was in the wash and I had nothing to wear...

Hang on, what...ow! Ow!

Ow! Right, take that.

All right, we had our differences.

But Romford and I had our good times, too.

Console, play history log,

search terms: Aethelwynne and Romford chuck.

Search returned zero results.

Well, we had good times.

I just think, for the good of the Console, he should go.

And, you know... Boof!

No way. I'm not letting you take him.

Stop it, stop it!

I can't stand to see two of my best friends suffer like this.

Aethelwynne, I want you to blast me into space instead.

-Rex, you can't.

-Alexia, don't try and talk me out of it.

It'll be tough, on you especially, but my mind's made up.

I want to take Romford's place.

I shall be the one who leaves the Console.

No, Rex, you can't leave,

-because you're not the one about to self-destruct.

-But...

Ooh, yes, no, that is an excellent point.

Maybe no one has to leave.

-Maybe we could stop the countdown?

-I don't know, Claire Parker.

What if it all goes wrong?

We could end up wrecking the whole console.

You know how fragile and flammable it all is.

No!

Rex, what happened?

Well, I was making small talk

and then it sort of got away from me a bit.

And now suddenly everyone's on fire.

This place is of surprisingly bad quality.

I think if Romford could tell us, he wouldn't want us to risk it.

I mean, if I were in his position, I'd do the selfless thing, too.

You, selfless?

Listen, everyone, I've behaved abominably today.

I did wrong... Leaving the door open for the zombies,

and completely failing to own up...

I even made Claire Parker think that it was all her fault,

and I pretended to Rex that we would go out on a date.

-Sorry, is that not happening now?

-I was appalling and selfish.

I now realise how important it is to take responsibility for my actions.

One of us has to risk ourselves for the others

and so now I believe that that person should be...

Romford.

OK...so maybe I wouldn't.

But we have to think of the common good.

Romford may have to take one for the team.

No way! He's staying.

All right, let's take a vote on it.

Those in favour of lobbing our little friend Romford into outer space?

All those in favour of keeping him here and trying to fix him?

Ugh! Well, can you at least put him further away,

in the training room or something?

Seeing a timer counting down to my inevitable doom

is, frankly, a bit of buzz-kill.

I'll take him.

I owe him that much, at least.

Console, play history log. Search terms "Romford and Riley",

"Good times".

CONSOLE: Searching. Playing results.

Do we HAVE to watch this?

It's depressing enough already.

BOOM

BOOM

To get that flag, you're going to have to brave

a swarm of lethal robots

and single-handedly scale the enemy mother ship.

-Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

-The boy's mad!

Romford...

..wish me luck!

HEROIC MUSIC

Very noisy in here!

-Eh? What?

-I said, it's very noisy in here!

-Can't hear you, what are you saying?

-I said, it's very noisy in here.

Oh. Oh, is it? Can't say I'd noticed.

Eh?

Me ears are still ringing, honestly. What about you, Romford?

-Can you hear properly yet?

-Nah, you're all right. I've had lunch.

Rest easy, pal.

We'll figure this out.

Come on.

This feels wrong, somehow.

I know they might not like it, but it's best for everyone.

Oh, I don't know. We did take a vote.

Oh, OK. All those in favour of ignoring the last vote,

getting him out without telling the others.

Right. There you go.

It's a 100% majority.

Right, good. Well... I do feel better, having done it the right way.

And I know just the place for him.

HE GRUNTS

The lair of the Troll King.

We'll tell him it's a gift. A novelty alarm clock, or something.

That way, if Romford does go off,

well, he'll erase that warty old misery, too.

Wow! Romford is absolutely filled full of stuff.

Given how complicated he is, you'd think he'd be a bit more useful!

Perhaps we should talk to the QM.

He might have some idea what to do.

OK, listen... I don't want to criticise the QM...

I don't know if it's just me,

but has anyone else noticed... he isn't all that helpful?

That's not fair, Claireparker.

I think he's lovely.

Oh, I didn't say he wasn't lovely, I just...

Given that we're under some time pressure here,

do you think he might be the best guy to go to?

Young Rex, what can I do for you?

Why are you wearing a dress?

This old thing? I've been beta testing the costume randomiser.

BLEEP

Whoa. That's better.

BUZZER

Hello? QM, are you there?

Claireparker. Do not be afraid.

You are the first to witness the magic of my invisibility hat.

-Right...

-It's amazing, isn't it?

I bet you have no idea where I am at all.

Are you under the massive hat covered in fruit?

What? How did you know?

The giveaway was the massive hat covered in fruit

floating in mid-air.

Yeah, it does make it obvious, doesn't it?

Activate pants!

What... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What was that?

Just trying out my hammer pants.

-When would you need a pair of hammer pants?

-To crush melons.

I really don't like this cape.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Hmm. I don't think so.

Ah, that's better. Rather fond of this one.

Well...maybe we should just have a go ourselves.

Here's a diagram.

Wow!

-That does look quite complicated.

-Come on, Rex.

You've dealt with trickier technical stuff before.

Her only hope is me

and an improvised fruit cockpit.

I still don't see how this can work.

I got the idea from you.

You said I don't understand anything apart from apples.

And you're right. I'm no good with numbers and dials, but this way,

I know exactly how everything works.

Oh. Um...

Except for that. Don't know what that is.

OK. Ahem!

Captain Glover!

I want you to listen to me very carefully and do exactly as I say.

Grab the joystick firmly.

Right.

Where's the joystick?

Oh, I'll do it!

Make sure the top four buttons in the top panel have been pressed.

Now. Make sure that the pineapple... er, the dial in the top left corner

is turned to the right.

Grab hold of the banana...er, joystick and ease it gently forward.

JET ENGINE OVERHEAD

Doors to manual. Two minutes to landing!

THEY CHEER

Thank you for flying Air Rex.

I trust you had a pleasant flight.

Yeah, but that was mainly fruit.

And fruit does sort of make sense to me.

Yeah, Rex, about that -

your relationship with fruit isn't particularly that healthy.

Oh, no - fruit is extremely healthy.

I meant, mentally healthy.

-Oh, Rex!

-Sorry!

Sorry!

-Lemon?

-Oh, thanks very much.

I'm sticking name tags onto them all so I know which ones are mine.

Now they're all mixed up.

They're ALL yours.

-I'm Rex.

-Get off the sofa!

-Pardon?

-Down! Down.

No, no, er...

Rex isn't a dog. Rex is a...

What are you?

As your date, I am programmed to compliment your appearance.

I am scanning for positive features.

What's the problem?

I'm trying to think of something to say that won't sound sarcastic.

Mmm!

You have...eyes!

Aargh!

Tangerine juice!

It stings!

It slightly stings.

-Romford, put up a picture of some fruit.

-Uh-huh.

-14 apples, 81 grapes, two plums, five bananas and a mango.

-Oh.

Spot on. That is amazing.

Somehow, fruit just makes sense to me.

I just like to get my 105 a day.

People, please - can we focus?

-Romford's not long for this world.

-OK. Right.

What do we know about how Romford works?

Can anyone remember anything he said about how he's constructed?

Is that thing safe?

Course it's safe!

Sure I can't help? I am pretty good with electronics,

what with being made out of them.

No, no, no. I'm quite capable, thank you.

Riley, if you could turn me on, please.

If you're sure.

CRASH!

Wow!

I like your stage make-up, Aethelwynne!

-You look really rock 'n' roll.

-Thank you. I'll have the trout.

I forgot about you, little robot dude!

Oh, no - I'm fine. Don't you worry about me.

Shall I just pour it straight in?

ALL: NO!

-No, no!

-FIZZING

Rock on!

Romford! Romford, are you all right?

He's a super powerful computer. He'll be fine.

He's a super powerful computer full of orange squash,

I don't think it's done him any good.

Where am I? I don't need my hair cut.

Oh, the Girl Guides have stolen my piano...

OK, to summarise. Having taken into account

all of the technical information, the plan is...

to try and remove one of Romford's cogs and hope that that works out.

Any questions?

-Ahem!

-Yes, Rex.

Why is Romford so small?

That's because this is a drawing of Romford.

Any other questions?

Yes.

Everyone here is a drawing, so...

-Right.

-All right?

-Thanks for clearing that up.

-OK. Let's do this. Let's save Romford.

-Romford's gone.

-He can't have just gone.

Well, maybe that's what happens at the end of the countdown,

he just...disappears.

I'm sorry, Riley.

I didn't realise how difficult this was. I usually just get Ro...

-..Romford to do it.

-Yeah. It's the little things, isn't it?

I mean, our weekly game of Snap just isn't the same now he's not here.

See?

Snap!

Somebody help me, I've got me weave stuck.

-Oh, come here.

-Ow!

Thank you.

Well, that's odd.

-What is?

-Doesn't anyone want to say anything disparaging?

Why? It just seems something unfortunate happened to you.

No, no, no. Somebody should say something sarcastic.

If Romford were here, he'd be merciless.

And yet, now he isn't,

somehow I...find myself a little incomplete.

Looks like you got yourself in a "hairy" moment there.

Wow. Really?

A "hairy" moment?

Rubbish.

What are we going to do?

Oh, I can't take it any more!

I have to tell them the truth.

No, Alexia.

Aethelwynne and I have moved Romford.

Argh!

HE GASPS

It was her idea!

She tricked me with democracy.

What were you thinking?

SHE GASPS

I just thought that would be the best thing for everyone.

I didn't realise we'd all miss him so much.

Where did you put him?

HE GASPS

In the troll king's lair in Sword Of The Ancients.

I thought that if he went off in there, he'd erase the troll king.

Uh...

Oh.

-I'm so sorry, Riley.

-Right.

You'll just have to go back there and get him.

She's right.

Off you go, Aethelwynne.

Why do I have to go?

It was her idea.

Come on, let's vote.

All those in favour of me staying.

Oh!

It's so embarrassing.

Those trolls are terribly ungracious about these sort of things.

HE HUFFS

Oh!

Hello, tons of fun!

GROWLING

So...

Been a bit of a mix-up in the goof department!

Your novelty alarm clock was supposed to go to the kingdom of the dwarfs.

You're supposed to get this lovely set of mugs.

GROWLING

No?

Don't like the mugs?

Well, perhaps you prefer something else?

Can you think of anything you'd prefer?

GROWLING

My ethereal underpants?

They're my favourite!

It takes 1,000 years to weave a single pair.

Oh, all right.

Can I use your changing room?

And don't look!

BEEPING

OK.

There it is.

I don't think that's had any effect at all.

I don't know. That clock's going down a lot faster now.

ALL: Put it back!

Put it back! Put it back!

OK. Rex and I have been to see the QM.

Apparently, we need to do a hard reset on Romford.

Actually, he talked about his new horse detection device

and then he told use about the hard reset.

Yeah, which I didn't think was relevant to the conversation,

considering we're running out of time

and our very existence is threatened.

Yeah. It was really frustrating.

There we were, our very existence threatened,

and he just kept going on and on and on

about how radar doesn't actually work on horses

but it does work on carrots.

-Anyway...

-Carrots?

Yeah, that's what I said but if you feed your horses lots of carrots,

then you don't have any trouble finding them.

Anyway...

Or you can use swede.

-The problem with that is not all horses like swede...

-REX!

Sorry... Long story short, didn't detect any horses.

We need to do a hard reset in order to stop the clock.

Magic! But it will remove all of Romford's memory.

Not magic.

-That's where this chair comes in.

-That's what that is.

I wondered when we'd get to that.

Romford will lose his whole personality unless one of us

is willing to make a back-up of Romford on our own memory,

which is very risky.

Yeah. He made this face...

I'll do it.

-Are you sure?

-Yes, I'm sure.

I'll do it for Romford.

Sometimes, you have to take one for the team.

How will we know when it's working?

He said it would be obvious.

Ooh...

OK.

CRACKLING

CRACKLING

Oh, my giddy aunt.

I only told you to blow the blooming doors off.

Cloned alien robots at 12 o'clock, sergeant.

You're a big man but you're in bad shape.

Good night.

Cogs on my ear. If 1,200 men couldn't hold

the defensive position this morning, what chance have we got with 100?

Complete.

Alexia? Are you all right?

Woah! That blew my mind!

What's it like having Romford's mind inside yours?

Weird. It's like a could feel his thoughts.

He likes you, Kiki.

And, he secretly enjoys dance music.

Ah, how sweet!

Riley, I feel he really would do anything for you.

I'd do anything for him.

He's a good piece of kit.

Oh, oh, oh! Do me! What does he think about me?

Erm... It's a bit...hazy.

Woah, woah, woah. Let me guess.

He admires me greatly but he hides it by being incredibly rude.

Erm... That's not exactly what I'm getting.

Erm... Oh, look at the time. Less than a minute.

Not enough time to tell you all the wonderful things that

-I'm sure he wanted to say.

-Ah!

Are you sure this is the correct procedure?

-According to this. Now you just drop him.

-Drop him?

-DROP HIM!

Romford? Romford, say something!

Please set date and time.

BEEPING

Please set accent.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Hello, I'm Romford.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-Hello, I'm Romford.

-SCOUSE ACCENT:

-Hiya, I'm Romford.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-All right, chief, I'm Romford.

He's back!

Perfect!

Now all we need to do is download his memory from Alexia.

Alexia?

Alexia, are you OK?

I don't know.

I have this sudden, overwhelming urge

to collect these things.

We should get her downloaded as soon as possible.

Hmm! Nickel cadmium. Nice!

-Thanks, Romford.

-Whatever.

Come on Romford. We're on in two.

All right, keep your kevlar on. I'm coming.

Cut the backchat and saddle up.

Oh, this is classified but...

I missed you.

Look! I appear to have put on my tunic all lopsided.

How unfortunate.

At least it matches your face now, you pointy-eared squatter.

HE LAUGHS

It's good to have you back!

Blimey. What's got into the Lord Of The Whinge?

I think he's glad that you're OK.

No thanks to you, Lady Lies-alot.

Yes, erm, sorry about that.

I thought it was the right thing.

I never could have done something so selfish and deceitful.

Really?! Don't forget I've been inside your head now.

You mean you remember the stuff from the download?

I know everything!

Your hopes, your dreams, your dirty little secrets.

Like why you hide Aethelwynne's conditioner

because you think it's funny when his hair frizzes.

Well, it is quite funny.

Or why Kiki's disco CDs keep going missing.

I do love to get my groove on!

And why Claireparker can't find any batteries for her emergency torch,

which she really needs.

Or the way you play those high-pitched tones

to make Rex think there are insects buzzing around him.

BUZZING

All right. Nobody's perfect.

I'll tell you what. Don't mention any of this

and we'll call it quits.

Deal.

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# Digitally here again

# So much more than a Pixelface

# Living in a game living in a game... #

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