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This is The Console. Pixleface games loading.
# Life's so great in a console space
# Digitally here again
# So much more than a Pixelface
# Living in a game, living in a game, living in a game
# We're playing with the same old friends
# Everybody knows our name
# We'll be here till the journey ends
# Living in a game, living in a game, living in a game. #
Now, then. That's it. And again, more, that's it.
Oh, nice, yeah. Pop another one in, oh, and another. Lovely, oh, yeah.
Don't stop. Put a big one, one of them big ones. That's it, lovely.
Nice, nice, lovely. Oh, yeah, oh... Ah.
How many of these do you take?
Sprinkle a handful of watch batteries on top, I'll be done.
This is The Console. Swords Of The Ancients complete.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, don't stop.
Lovely. Sprinkle them on. That's it.
Come on, just a couple more, just a couple more. That's it, keep going.
I might be wrong but I think there's a grumpy pixie over there,
who wants a bit of attention.
Oh! Well, since you ask, I've had the most difficult day.
I tried and tried to complete that level, I've slain the marsh troll,
found my way through the Enchanted Forest,
which, by the way, has a tremendous little gift shop
right in the middle.
But then I get thwarted by the arrow challenge. It's impossible.
You want to use a plasmatron, mate.
Should I really?
Must I remind you of the milk incident?
This is tricky.
Oh, let me open that.
Eat laser, cow juice.
Plasmatron is not the answer to everything, Riley.
-Oh, yeah, I quite agree.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes you need one of these!
Self-targeting laser shell.
You just aim it, set it off and boom! You can have that one.
We found a whole crate-load in the hull
of a crashed space cruiser.
It's not much use to me. It's more brains than brawn in my game.
So why can't you do the arrow challenge then, Aethelwynne?
You are the cleverest one in here.
Very kind of you to say so.
No, that's what YOU say. All the time.
It's just this challenge.
It's just, very, very tricky.
Fiddle-de-de, fiddle-de-da. Complete yea my challenge here.
Yes, yes, do we have to go through this every time
with the riddlely-fiddlely do da etcetera?
I'm just doing my job, mate.
Only he with true of heart and sharp of aim
shall gain the magic wishing ring of...
Sorry, I had a hair in my mouth.
I meant to say, "the magic wishing ring of the wizard, Denis."
I shall give you one arrow, hit the target.
Oh, well that shouldn't be too hard to hit.
Not this target. That target.
But that's impossible!
Oh, your arrow fell short.
Your arrow was low.
-Back to the beginning you must go.
I love everything about my game.
The running around, the shouting, the falling down,
and getting up again and running around and shouting about it.
Yeah, it must be good to destroy things and slavishly obey orders.
Oh, no, it's not like that at all.
I'm my own man, I take orders from no-one. Isn't that right?
Well, you do take orders from the Sergeant Major.
-Yeah, of course.
-And the 2nd Lieutenant.
2nd Lieutenant, yeah.
And the Lieutenant and the Captain and the Major.
-Those three, of course.
-And the Colonel.
-The Colonel, yeah.
And the Brigadier, the Major General,
the Lieutenant General, the General and the Field Marshal.
-Them, yeah, of course.
But apart from that,
apart from the Sergeant Major, the 2nd Lieutenant,
Lieutenant, Colonel, Major, Captain,
Brigadier, Major General, Lieutenant General,
-the General, the Field Marshal...
..and you, apart from that, I take orders from no man.
Riley, could you get me an apple?
Sir! Yes, sir, right away, Sir!
Are you sure that's a good...
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Rex, do not do what I think you're going to do.
Oh, it's hot! It's hot, my mouth! It's burning!
Painful, but delicious.
Oh! I did it again, I did it again. It's really hot. But lovely.
I'm really confused. Oh, oh!
-# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
-# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Yeah! You go, girl!
Nice moves, Kiki. Level complete.
Phew, I don't think I could manage another dance.
Oh, my legs are like jelly springs.
Oh, what's this?
Oh, Riley, would you like to see my latest acquisition?
-Brilliant. It's called a Mem600 recall helmet.
-Just wearing it greatly enhances your powers of...
Come on, I want you to test me.
I'll have a look at the objects on this tray,
memorise them, cover it up again,
and then tell you everything that was on that tray. OK?
Right... Keys, watch. There we go, cover it up.
All right, off you go. What's on the tray?
Tray? What tray?
You were going to remember all the stuff.
Oh, my lunch has been delivered. Excuse me, starving. Ooh, fantastic.
Spanner, watch. Keys for pudding, my favourite.
Are you sure that helmet's working?
No, I may have put it in reverse by mistake.
It's no good looking at the instructions -
I've forgotten how to read.
-What's this, pick 'n' mix?
-Give me strength.
Oh, Riley, how are you doing?
How would you like to see my latest acquisition?
Oh, that's better. So, what can I do for you?
I'm tired of being a Sergeant, so I'd like a promotion.
Let's have a look at your game manual.
Right, here we go.
Plasmatron, blah, blah, likes cheese, blah, blah,
big fan of telescopes.
Blah, blah, never washes his pants, destroys robots.
Here we are, promotion, yeah, that's should be no problem at all.
Brilliant. Get in!
-It's just a simple exam.
Can't I do physical tests? I'm good at those.
This would just be a formality. It'll only take about an hour
and then we can see about you becoming Sergeant Major.
Two points to four. Love, juice, milkshakes, biscuits, er, whatever.
We win! No, wait, no, you win.
Hang on there, no, somebody is winning the volleyball game,
which is brilliant.
I don't think this is a very safe game to be playing in The Console.
And what is this ball?
I found it in my game.
I promise to put it back as soon as I get called up.
Make sure you do. Until then, no more volleyball.
This looks exciting.
-Can I play?
-You heard him, he said "no more volleyball".
Yeah, but he didn't say, "no more cricket".
What do you mean?
We could play cricket, but with this ball.
-Oh, Riley, I don't know.
-How do you play cricket anyway?
He does have a point, the QM didn't say "don't play cricket".
He also didn't say "don't put eggs down your trousers".
I am not putting eggs down my trousers, not again.
I'm with Riley, let's play cricket.
-Why did you put eggs down your trousers?
-To keep them warm.
I'm surprised there's even room for eggs in those trousers.
That's why it was so difficult.
-So if it's all the same with you, I'd rather play cricket.
OK, but just a little game
and we must be careful not to disturb the QM.
-Get in! Right, let's play.
Let's play what?
That's right. We're going to put on a play.
-It's a murder mystery.
-Rex, you can be the body.
And I shall be Detective Inspector Hector Vector.
I shall be a mysterious vicar.
No you won't, Riley. I've got your exam papers here.
Oh, no. I'd much rather play cricket. I mean...
I really want to rehearse the play.
You can do that later on. Come with me.
Do we have to rehearse this play?
I mean it sounds great, but I would rather play cricket.
No, you hairy nincompoop, it was a distraction.
We're going to play cricket.
Yes, brilliant cricket! It's the best game ever.
How do you play it? I've never heard of it.
-Boys v girls?
-Yeah. Ha, because girls are rubbish at cricket.
Come off it, Aethelwynne. I bet you've never played it either.
Of course I have. I have my cricket trunks and everything.
You must answer every question on the paper.
You have one hour, you may begin.
# Praying won't do it Hating won't do it
# Drinking won't do it Fighting won't knock you out... #
Question one: which of the following is the correct spelling of "robot"?
No, no, you must concentrate. Right.
Sorry, Riley, it's just Rex hit a six!
# How do you get up from an all time low?
# I'm in pieces It seems like peace is... #
No, I must concentrate.
# How do you get out, get out?
# Cos driving won't do it
# Flying won't do it Denying won't do it
# Crying won't drown it out... #
-That's that fixed. Brilliant.
-It was easy so it didn't take very long.
-Oh, no, it's back in reverse.
How does this work?
Which one of you is the door?
THEY CHEER EXCITEDLY
I'm playing, I'm playing.
We're in bat, you field.
'Procedure not recognised.'
-Are you all right?
-What happened there?
-I don't know. It was a most unpleasant experience.
-Hey, that's strange. My hair's grown.
What's happened to my beautiful locks? I feel decidedly peculiar.
-Oh, blimey, I think I know what's happened here.
-No, they've swapped bodies.
It must have happened in the transporter.
-Hang on, that's Aethelwynne.
-Don't be such a dim wit, I'M Aethelwynne.
Oh, this is weird.
I'll tell you what's weird, having to clump about in this ungainly body.
Ta very much. Hey, I tell you what's odd, these pointy ears.
I'm picking up a local minicab firm.
-You be careful with those, I just shaved them.
-You shave your ears?!
-What of it? Everyone shaves their ears.
If I got rid of all my unwanted hair, I'd look like a peeled rabbit.
As important as it is, can we all stop talking about shaved ears?
-We need to work out how to swap them back.
-I'll get the QM.
No, Rex, if you do that he'll know we've been playing
with the plasma ball again.
We need to work this out for ourselves.
Now then, Sergeant Riley let's see how you've done.
No, no, no, no, this is really bad.
Procedure not recognised.
-Has it worked?
I still seem to be trapped inside the confines of GI Joke.
I'm still done up like a poorly programmed Peter Pan.
I don't understand. Why hasn't it swapped them back?
-Bad news, I'm afraid, Riley.
-Ah, I knew I'd fail.
-What exam did you take?
-Don't give the game away.
No, no, I just thought, I've forgotten to shave my ears
but I've found that I have, which is better.
Shut that door.
No need to over do it. I mean...
Eeh by gum, happens it might be me, QM, did I not pass?
No, you did not, I'm very disappointed in you.
All you did was write your name down twice
and you spelt it wrong both times.
-Riley, you really are a useless idiot.
-Remember who you are.
I mean, oh what a fool I am.
-I'm right daft me, right, right, really daft.
-Are you all right?
-I was talking to Riley.
-Yes, and he answered. I'm fine.
-It's me that that's fine.
-I'm fine. I mean he is, right.
You can take the test one more time, we'll try again tomorrow.
Oh, this is terrible, this is terrible.
I've got to get back into my own body now.
I've got this terrible itch right in the middle of my back.
I know, it's tricky that itch. I never can quite reach it.
Oh, woe is me, I've feel no good at all.
I skipped my test to play plasma ball.
Riley, we have all been thinking up ways how to swap you two back,
so we thought we'd try them out and see what works.
What have you come up with?
I have constructed two extremely life-like masks.
By simply putting them on,
you will both start to regain your former identities.
I'm not sure that's going to work.
Kiki, do you have any ideas?
OK, now go!
Well, I still think it'll work, if you run even harder at each other.
-Maybe not. Romford?
-I might have an idea.
Do you think this will work?
No, but it's very entertaining, don't you think?
This is the console. Sentient force now loading.
-Would Romford and Sergeant Riley please enter the game.
Come on little buddy let's go
and wreak some havoc in that enemy space board.
All right, buttercup,
settle down, I think you might have to sit this one out.
But it said Romford and Riley.
Sentient force commencing in 20 seconds.
Oh, no. Does that mean he's going to play me in game?
-But it'll be terrible.
-Charmed, I'm sure.
I'm not exactly delighted myself.
Ah! Ow! Ow!
-Make it stop.
-That's your job, I'm just tactics and logistics.
-When will it end?
-When you defeat all the alien robots.
How many have we taken out so far?
You caught one with a lucky deflection and one of them
tripped over your make-up case, so that's two down.
-Out of how many?
-Oh, about four...
I think it's getting smaller.
Yeah! Either that or your hands are getting bigger.
-No, Rex, it's definitely shrinking.
-Oh, let me see that?
Oh, yeah, it is smaller. It's probably much safer now.
-Wow! That was amazing!
-I bet you couldn't do that twice?
-Bet I could.
Oh, oh, I know, why don't we all have a turn,
but you have to be behind the sofa.
-Two tries each.
-One hand, one bat.
-And you have to roll a six to start.
-Ah, I love games we've made up ourselves, they're the best.
-Do you remember put the brick in the hat?
-Not your finest hour.
-Quite the opposite.
No, no, you had to tease it out, it's like spun gold.
-Can't I just get a short, back and sides.
-Over my dead body.
No your dead body, no, mine. Oh, I hate this, I hate it.
Isn't there a wizard or a magical pixie in your game
that could help us out.
-What is it, split ends?
No, no, the magical wishing ring of the Wizard Denis,
that's the reward for completing the arrow challenge.
We get three wishes so we use one of the wishes to swap us back.
The arrow challenge. What's the arrow challenge?
Well, it's a challenge and it's got an arrow in it. Basically...
This is the console, sword of the engines now loading,
will Aethelwynne please enter the game.
Oh, no, I don't know what to do.
Use the magic invisibility potion to slay the bog witch then,
before it wears off you have to get past the guard of the door
to the enchanted maze.
Then, you have to take every second left
and every third right to get through the maze.
Oh, do pop into the gift shop if you get the chance,
their fudge is to die for.
Then you have to shoot the far away target with the troll's arrow.
-Oh, it doesn't sound too hard.
Diddle-me-de, diddle-me-da, completely challenge here.
Take an arrow, fire it through.
I'm not normally very good at that sort of thing.
Only he whose pure heart
and sharp of aim can gain the magic wishing ring of the wizard...
The ring of who?
Sorry, high pollen count, I meant to say,
the magic wishing ring of the Wizard Denis.
I shall give you one arrow. You must hit the distant target.
It's miles away. I'll never hit that. Unless...
Self-targeting laser bolts, get in.
You didn't say I had to use the bow and arrow, did you?
I know I didn't, but...
-I'd better dig out that magic wishing ring, then.
You seem a little different today.
Let's just say, I haven't been quite myself recently.
Oh, oh, well, I suppose I can do something with
a bottle of spray tan and a few extensions.
-I got it, I did it. I hit the target.
-Outstanding work, Riley.
Now let's get ourselves swapped back.
I wish we could swap back to our original bodies.
-I wish we had our bodies back.
-No, no, don't you wish as well.
-What, I thought we were both supposed to wish?
I'm back. I'm back!
-I'm back in my beautiful body.
-Get in! No, no, no.
-No, now we are back at you, because you double wished.
Now we've only got one wish left.
Oh, I do wish you'd concentrate Riley.
-Oh, no, I've just wasted the final wish.
-Shush. I'm concentrating.
-Oh, just a couple more goes left, I reckon.
Oh, it's all my fault.
If I'd only done the exam properly and not joined in the game,
we wouldn't have fallen into the transporter and I'd still be me.
Last go, I reckon. Kiki, seeing as you found it, you can take it.
Oh, thanks, Claireparker!
Oh, it's not all your fault, Riley.
-We both fell in trying to catch the ball.
-Maybe that's the reason we swapped.
-What the transporter?
Well we know that but it is not going to swap us back?
No, no, no. Concentrate.
The plasmaball, we were both holding it when we swapped.
It must have affected the transporter, somehow.
-So, to swap us back...
-We just both go into the transporter...
-Both of us...
-BOTH: Holding the ball.
Here it goes.
Procedure not recognised.
Back in my splendiferous body.
And I'm back in my boots, where I belong!
What's with all this noise?
We're just playing.
Well, look, since you've been so good about not playing with
that dangerous plasmaball, I got you a little something.
-We could play catch.
-I haven't switched it on yet.
-Wow. That's nice.
-A self-hoovering teleball, just try and catch it.
-Wow, wow. QM. That's amazing.
-Bagsy me first, bagsy me first.
-No, I'm afraid it is time for you to do your exam, Riley.
-But, the ball.
No, Riley, you've got the power of concentration now.
How did I do?
-To answer a single question wrong!
Congratulations, Sergeant Major Riley.
-It couldn't happen to a nicer bloke.
I can't wait to get into battle with these on.
There will be no more of that now you're a Sergeant Major.
-You'll be behind a desk.
Yes, your job will be mostly paper work, putting things into folders,
taking things out of folders, putting folders into other folders.
I mean it's pretty boring, but at least it's long hours.
Would there be any reason to get demoted back to sergeant.
Well, I suppose if you were particularly irresponsible
and caused a lot of damage that sort of thing.
Brilliant, give me ten seconds.
-Well there's no point getting promoted if you can't do what you're
good at and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's breaking things.
Guys, I'm playing!
Let's have it!
# Life's so great in the console space
# Digitally here again
# So much more than a Pixelface
# Living in a game living in a game... #
This is the console. Please go to the CBBC website
where the Pixelface games can now be played.
Kiki Nova sneaks a plasma ball into the console from her game and the gang embark on a series of games without the Quartermasters' permission. Disaster looms when Riley and Aethelwynne swap bodies after falling into the transporter during a game of cricket. Despite their best efforts, they cannot swap back.
To make it worse, Riley has to take his promotion exams and Aethelwynne is stuck on a difficult level in Swords Of The Ancients. How will they cope having to play as each other? Will they have to spend the rest of their lives trapped in each other's bodies?