Mega Gino Pixelface

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What are you doing, Rex?

Oh, the boys got one of those motion capture cameras. It's brilliant!

He stands in front of the camera

and then whatever actions he does in the living room,

I have to do in my game.

I am having a few teething problems with it at the moment.

It doesn't seem to disconnect at the end of the game.

Oh, so that's why you're...

Yeah, his mum's doing the front room carpet now.

Everything they do in the living room, I have to do.

Oh, wait. Hang on.

Ooh! Oh, yeah.

I think she's finished.

Oh, yeah, look at that. She's putting it away. That's brilliant.

Yeah, technology's amazing!

Ahhh!

'This is The Console. Return To Zombie City complete.'

See, they have a door there. We don't.

'Claireparker released.'

Oh!

Everything all right, Claireparker?

No!

I've been stuck on level nine in my game for WEEKS.

I don't think it's actually possible to do it. It's so hard.

Why, what do you have to do?

Oh, it's set in an abandoned supermarket.

I have to do a supplies run.

-So what's the problem?

-Zombies!

There's loads of them, popping up,

trying to nick my shopping, eat my brains.

-Can't you just avoid them?

-Oh, they're everywhere!

In the aisles, leaping out of freezers, working the checkouts.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get everything on the list

while fending them off with a plank.

-That was all I managed to get.

-Oh. Well, let's have a look.

What have we got?

Onion juice,

mint sauce, what's this?

Argh! Zombie finger! Argh!

It's impossible. Nobody could do that section.

Oh, come on, Claireparker. I'm sure you've just... Oh, oh!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Rex, what's wrong?

I'm betting the dog got in front of the camera again.

Ooh! Ah!

Actually, though, I quite like it.

Ha-ha! Woo!

SHE GASPS

Eugh!

Everybody, come quickly. Look what I've found.

He's an information dwarf. I wonder what he's doing here.

-Hello.

-Claireparker, stop!

You don't just ask an information dwarf.

Why not? He's right here.

Yes, but there's always something odd about them.

Some of them are liars,

some give you the opposite answer to the one that's true,

and some speak in riddles. Just leave it to me.

-Oi, get off!

-I can confirm he's real.

Now to ask him a question.

The phrasing is crucial.

Excuse me, we were just wondering what you are doing here.

Stop, Claireparker!

I'm here to do some checks for Mega Gino's visit.

Well, that sounds like a riddle.

Mega Gino visiting,

checks.

Hmmm.

Sounds like it has something to do with chess or banking.

-What's wrong with him?

-Everything.

Wait! Wait, wait! Is Mega Gino really coming here?

Yeah, he makes personal appearances in consoles from time to time.

Helps keep up the morale.

I'm here to make sure that everything's all right for him.

He can be a bit picky.

Well, we will do whatever it takes to make Mega Gino feel welcome. Oh!

Oh, no! Oh, no, not again! Argh, argh, argh!

Looks like the dog's back, then.

This isn't making me feel that welcome, at all.

Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ow, ow, ow!

I can't believe Mega Gino's actually coming here.

Yeah, I can tell you're excited.

What? Oh, no. No.

It's the motion capture camera. His mum's doing aerobics, I think.

It is exciting, though. The guy's a legend!

They say he can do ANY level on ANY game.

Yeah, he's my inspiration. I've got all of his sticker albums.

Have a look on the shelf.

That one tells the story of how he went from being a simple handyman

to the greatest gaming character ever.

What's he doing there?

Fixing a leaky tap. Still keeps his hand in with the DIY.

Claireparker, you should ask him for advice on your game.

He knows everything there is to know about gaming.

But I bet even Mega Gino couldn't finish level nine.

He can! He can do anything.

Ha! I can't believe he's coming here.

Whoop!

-Was that you or the boy's mum?

-The whoop was me. The clap was her.

-What about the shimmy?

-Er, bit of both.

-Oh.

EXCITED CHATTER

OK, OK, OK. Quieten down.

Now, remember, when he gets here, no autographs and no flash photography.

Ohhh!

Time to watch the introduction video.

Oh, flipping heck! Someone's been busy with the crayons.

Oh, it's a bit gaudy, isn't it?

-Oh, I quite like it.

-At least the weather looks nice.

Hey, it's a-time for a-Mega Gino!

'It's Mega Gino.'

Hey, Alasdair, the door is stuck.

Hit the button.

Oh, there's a red thing.

Okey-dokey, we're going to start over. Play the DVD again.

-They've already seen it.

-Just a-play the DVD again, OK?

Everyone, just pretend like it's the first time you see me, right?

-Sure!

-No problem.

'It's Mega Gino.'

Hey, it's time for a-Mega Gino!

Left hand, button.

Hey, it's a-Mega Gino!

Rex a-Dynamo, here's a-looking at you!

Kiki Nova, it's a-great to see you.

Romford, Riley, looking a-good, guys.

-You know who we are!

-Of course.

I see all the games on my widescreen in my bedroom.

-Mega Gino, I just wanted to say...

-Hey! No radiators.

-Have you got a-the underfloor heating?

-I don't think so.

Oh, you've got to get underfloor heating.

I can fix it myself. I'm a-pretty good at DIY.

Yeah, we got that.

Mega Gino, I was wondering if I could ask your advice.

-About underfloor heating?

-No.

I wanted to ask your advice about gaming.

Well, just to clarify, Claireparker wants game advice.

Er, yeah. Ha! We're all fine, but she's really struggling.

I'm not struggling! It's a really difficult level!

I don't think anyone could do it and there's a glitch in the software.

Don't a-worry, Claireparker, I will help you,

even though I'm a big a-star

and the top-a-selling character for five a-years a-running.

Isn't that right, Alasdair?

Three years.

That's a-right. Five years.

You would think I was way too big to be bothered

but I'm a-going to sort you out.

-Oh, great!

-But first, we're going to do a little Mega Gino tradition.

It's something that I do whenever I visit a new console.

Oh, I heard about this. It's the mini games, isn't it?

No. No mini games.

Oh.

MEGA GINO SMIRKS

I'm a-kidding! It's a joke!

You see how I'm funny when I'm a-lying, too?!

Of course we play the mini games.

Oh, fantastic. I've heard they're amazing!

BOTH LAUGH

Aerobics?

No, excitement.

It is exciting.

Each a-one is going to challenge you a-something rotten,

but it's going to be fun.

Aethelwynne, Alexia, I'm going to a-send you guys on a quest

to find the two halves of an ancient a-magic amulet.

Ooh, hoo-hoo! How exciting!

-You know how I love to quest.

-Oh, yes! Me, too.

-It's a-going to be pretty tough.

-I know the drill.

You go to some faraway land, meet some funny-looking people,

realise some deep truth about the world, blah blah, blah blah blah,

learn an important lesson, et cetera,

and then the most important part, find a lovely bit of treasure

and bring it back home.

Stuff about learning deep truth? That sounds important.

Mm, well, it's always some nonsense like trust yourself,

never judge a book by its cover,

never buy a fish on a Monday, that sort of thing.

So, where are we going?

A-nowhere.

We're going to play the games right a-here on this console.

Oh. I thought we were going to go somewhere exotic.

Well, it's a budget thing, OK?

It's cheaper to do it here but it'll be a lot of fun!

Not as much fun.

Oh, I wanted a trip!

OK, OK. Whoever finds the amulet can keep it.

Ooh!

All right, here are your maps.

Alasdair, show the others to their games.

And you, Claireparker, I want you to come with me.

I've a-got a special one for you.

OK, here's your mini game, Rex.

Wow! Amazing! Boxes.

Are they special boxes?

They're cardboard boxes.

Cardboard. Brilliant! What's in them?

Nothing. It's a balancing game.

You just have to stack them up to this line.

Stack the boxes up to the line? Ha!

Great, this is going to be easy.

Oh, ohh! Hang on, not again!

-What are you doing?

-Erm, ironing, by the looks of it.

REX YAWNS

Oh! Oh, brilliant!

She must have finished. Right, let's go.

Right, you lot have got the 'Escape The Room' game.

Everything you need to escape is in this room.

I'll close the door behind me and disable the switch.

It's up to you to work out how to escape between you. Good luck.

Good luck? Blimey! I'm going to need more than good luck with these two.

Oh, I find these sorts of things so boring.

I hate that other Escape The Room game you always have to play.

Which one?

You know, near the kitchen.

The little room you have to escape from that's full of boxes and coats.

Kiki, I don't think that's a game.

I think you're talking about the cupboard.

Oh, this is not going to go well.

OK, this is one of my favourites a-challenges.

It is a mini game called Newton's table.

You have to use the objects on the table to prove a-gravity.

Prove gravity?

Don't a-worry, I'll get you started. Pick up the bag of a-satsumas.

And now drop a-them on the floor.

'Congratulations, you score 100 points.'

Ha-ha! You're a natural. Try another.

'Outstanding! 200 points.'

200 points, that's good, isn't it?

'Great move! Boot bonus. 500 points.'

Let us out!

Oiiiii!

Any luck?

No. I'm sure that would work.

Looks like we're just going to have to use our intelligen...ces

It is intelligenCES, isn't it, when there's more than one of you?

I don't know. There's only ever been the one of me.

Oh, someone put me on standby!

BOTH LAUGH

Ahem.

Gosh, Alexia, I've just had a thought.

What would happen if only one of us found both halves of the amulet?

Well, if you had half already and then found the other half,

then it would be unfair of me to ask you to split it.

-But neither of us has half an amulet now, do we?

-Nope.

No. Particularly not me. I don't have half the amulet.

Oh, no. No, no. Neither do I.

Good luck.

Yes. You, too.

Right, I've been thinking about this.

I wondered what that burning smell was.

I realise there are obviously some things in this room we need to use

in a very ingenious, very clever way in order to escape from said room.

But it is unlikely that we are going to be able to figure this out

because we are not that bright.

So, I have concluded you probably don't need brains

if you've got momentum.

MUSIC: "Theme from the A-Team"

MUSIC STOPS

Ah! Ah!

I don't think you had quite enough momentum.

Yeah, if I'd been smarter, I probably would've figured that out.

-Oh, it's a vicious circle.

-Where?

I'm sure he wasn't that stupid before he hit the door.

Hey, Rex, how you doing in here?

Argh! Don't move!

Ohhh! I don't understand it.

Even stacked like this, they're not going to reach.

Maybe try a-that one.

OK.

Argh! Wargh! Oh, here we go again.

Ah! It's the motion capture camera.

Argh!

It looks like they're opening a window.

Now they're taking a deep breath. It must a-be a nice day out there.

Oh, look, they're waving. No, wait, there is a wasp.

Stop waving your arms around, you're aggravating it.

Yes, I know, but it's not me doing it, is it?

Wargh! Arrrgh!

And now you knocked a-them over.

Oh, please, just one little clue.

-No can do.

-Ohhh!

Call yourself an information dwarf.

You're supposed to be ambiguous and intriguing, not downright unhelpful.

OK. Here's a riddle for you.

Rearrange these words into a sentence.

A, elf, stupid, am, I.

I am a stupid elf! Ha!

Hope that helped.

Hmph!

Any luck?

Oh, er, um, no. No, no. You?

No. Oh, gosh!

Where's the other half of this amulet supposed to be?

What do you mean, "the other half"?

I mean, um, the other half of the amulet...

that neither of us have found yet either.

Right.

Think, think, think.

Are you telling me to think?

No, I'm telling myself to think. Were you not thinking?

I'm trying to think but I can't concentrate

cos you keep going, "Think, think, think," over and over again.

Ah! The door opened!

Get in! We fixed it.

Mm, we're geniuses. I wonder how we did it.

No idea. Hey, who cares, though?

KIKI GASPS

Riley! You scared it.

Wait! Riley, go back to where you were standing.

Oh.

Maybe it's just shy.

Now look, that square you're standing on, Kiki's on one, too.

And you're on one, too, Romford.

That's it! Of course.

Whenever we stand on a square, the doors open.

As soon as we get off the square, the door closes again.

Ha! Brilliant! So what we do?

I don't know.

Hey, hey, hey!

Alasdair, I specifically said no a-bits in my orange juice.

This is a-full of a-bits. These are basics, Alasdair.

You said, "With bits." You wrote it down.

That is not a-my handwriting.

Hey, it's Mega Gino, yada yada.

Look, there's no ice in it either.

'Yay! 800 points. Great!

'Ooh! Double object bonus. 2,000 points.'

'You've got a banana bonus. 5,000 points. You're amazing!

'Vitamins C bonus. 10,000 points.

'Congratulations!

'You've successfully completed level eight.'

Take that, gravity!

OK, OK.

Let's just think about this before we commit to this course of action.

Is this really the best way to achieve our goal here?

Sorry, if I learned one thing in training,

it's always go with your first plan.

Can we just get on with this, please? I'm getting toe cramps.

Argh!

Romford! Are you OK?

No, not really. I landed very heavily on my rear cogs. Ooh.

Ooh! Ow! Ow! Argh!

Yeah, now the reason that didn't work was

-I can't actually throw you far enough to wedge the door open.

-Yep.

Come to think of it, I didn't need to throw you at all.

You could have just rolled over on your own.

Romford, did you hear what I said?

I said I didn't need to throw you at all, you could have

just rolled over on your own. It's... Did you hear what...?

Yeah. Yeah, I heard you, you mouse-brained maniac.

I'm just saying it might have been a better way to go, on balance.

CLEARS THROAT

MOUSE SQUEAKS

'Novelty rodent bonus. 52,000 points.

'Wow! Fluff Bonus. 53,000 points.'

Oh, come on!

How are you doing, a-Claireparker?

Winning.

And winning feels pretty good, huh?

It's not exactly hard, though.

Well, that is because you are good at it.

It is easier than running around from a-zombies all day,

a-screaming and everything, isn't it?

Yeah, it just all seems a bit easy.

Oh, wait. I realise now.

This is the test Aethelwynne was talking about,

about realising a deeper truth.

-I'm a-not with you.

-Mega Gino, you are SO clever.

-That is true.

-Yes, that's it!

The point of it is that winning without a challenge is no fun.

Anything worthwhile has to be earned. That's it, isn't it?

No.

The point is to make you feel what it is like

to actually win a-something for once.

Imagine if all a-games were like that for you, Claireparker.

I don't understand.

I've been looking for someone to work with me at Mega Gino World

and I think a-you could be the one.

Oh, why me?

Because we're the same.

I'm a simple handyman and you're a waitress.

We're ordinary people.

Don't think so! You're like a gaming legend.

I'm a-going to let you into a little secret.

Everybody thinks I'm a superhero but I'm not.

I really am just a handyman.

Oh, I used to spend all day running around, a-jumping over stuff.

I was getting exhausted.

Until, one a-day, I found this little book.

-What is it?

-It's a list of every cheat code for every game.

It is amazing.

With this book, I can get infinite lives, make a-myself invincible,

make a-time slow a-down.

I can even get myself a new outfit.

Look.

Enter code 571 T-O-P H-A-T.

See? It's a-easy-peasy!

I've been using this for years.

It's pretty cool, huh?

I think it's the most despicable thing I have ever heard!

But I thought you'd understand. I thought you'd be by my side.

Why would you think that?

-'Silly hat bonus. Three million points.'

-Shut up.

Because you are a-like me. You're no good at the games.

But I'm offering you a chance.

You come a-with me to Mega Gino World and you could be someone a-special,

instead of a loser who cannot complete a-level nine.

Fine! I may not be special but I would rather lose

every level in every game than spend time with a cheat.

Oh, that is a shame, Claireparker,

cos that means I'm a-going to have to keep a-you and your friends

trapped in these games for ever!

-You can't do that!

-Sure I can. I can do anything I want.

You know Newton's table. It's never ends.

And, as for your friends' a-games, I've a-fixed it so they cannot a-win.

-REX:

-Wah! Argh!

They're going to be stuck on them...

..forever.

No! I've realised the point of this task.

It's that sometimes you have to make big sacrifices for your friends.

Let them go and I will come to Mega Gino World with you.

Oh! Good a-girl! It's a-going to be great. We're going to win everything.

I suppose cheating could be fun.

Maybe I should try one of those cheat codes now.

Oh, of course.

Why not try...this one?

Unlimited speed boost.

Console, enter code 158 N-O-space-D-A-M-A-G-E.

"158-NO-DAMAGE"?

That's a-not it. That's the cheat code for invincibility.

Why you do a-that?

Because I'm leaving and now I have the code book, I'm invincible,

so there's nothing you can do about it.

-But that's...

-Cheating! I know.

I see what you've done, which is a-very disappointing.

Alasdair!

Right. Orange juice, with ice. No bits.

Why is she invincible?

She got a-the book.

-Honestly, Mega Gino...

-She tricked me. She's very clever.

Oh, it's always someone else's fault. It's never your fault, is it?

Oh, stop arguing, you two, and go and release my friends

or I'll use you both to prove gravity.

Oh, Rex, you poor thing.

I didn't realise that motion capture camera was still turned on.

Oh, it's not.

'Claireparker, released.'

I did it! I completed level nine!

It wasn't easy but I did it, fair and square, no cheat codes,

and that's what counts.

So I can throw away this cheat code book, then,

that I found under your bed?

Well, no harm in keeping it as a back up, is there?

No, it's fine. Bin it.

Good. I'm glad it's gone.

Now I'll know that I'll always have to do it the honest way.

The exhausting, painful, boring, honest way.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'm going to have a bit of a lie down.

Aethelwynne!

Oh, all right.

Hey, it's a-Mega Gino!

So there you go, she completed the level.

It looks like she learned a lesson from a-Mega Gino, after all.

What are you talking about? She didn't learn anything from you.

She just outsmarted you. Don't try making out this is some master plan.

How do you know it a-wasn't my plan?

By letting her outsmart me, I taught her a lesson about a-being good.

The only lesson you taught her was cheating sometimes works.

-THAT'S a terrible lesson.

-All right, Alasdair. Forget it, OK?

I can't a-believe I'm stuck here with you.

And I can't believe you live in a massive mansion in the country...

-Turn it off!

-Do it!

Argh!

# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game Living in a game... #

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