The Dogs of War Pixelface

This is The Console. Pixelface games loading.

# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game

# We're playing with the same old friends

# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game. #

Ah, here we are. Now we're getting somewhere.

A mysterious little door.

All I have to do is crouch. Go on then, Player One, off you go.

Nice try. But it's X to crouch and circle to jump. So press X.

Really, really ouch. Just press X, all right? X.

For heaven's sake!

Get the instruction book out. It's press X to crouch.

X to crouch. Come on, Player One.

No, don't draw my dagger.

No, no, no.

Good. Now, it's X to crouch.

Oh!

Oh, yum yum. Yummy, yummy, yum yum.

Yes, you absolute genius. You just wasted a health potion.

Please! Tiny hint. It's the one that looks like an X

to crouch!

Aagh!

If I could quit my game right now and not save, I would.

Yes, that's it.

Now we're getting somewhere. That wasn't too hard, was it?

God!

Ooh!

Stand me up. Stand me up! Oh, this is so humiliating.

Well, well, well.

What have we here? A seemingly empty room.

I imagine nothing interesting to see here.

Except these five exciting and rather mysterious candles.

Oh, it's a code.

Ooh! Call that a code? It's troll's play.

I simply light the first, the third and the fifth candle

where the suns are, and leave the second and fourth dark

where the moons are.

Let's just hope this player can light the candles

without setting fire to my beautiful hair.

Now what?

Ooh!

Now, this just got interesting.

It's a goblin puzzle lock. I love these.

This is The Console. Swords of the Ancients paused.

Quit menu selected.

You have got to be kidding.

No... You... Don't do... Don't you... Oh, typical!

This is The Console.

-Swords of the Ancients complete. Aethelwynne released.

-Unbelievable.

I was this close to getting my hands on that chest and they quit the game.

-Fancy being interrupt...

-This is The Console.

Online game downloading.

Honestly! The one thing I cannot stand is being interrup...

Quiet, Aethelwynne.

Let's see what it is. There hasn't been an online competition for ages.

She's right.

The last big one, we had to dress as bishops

and then fly those massive flying igglefuds into the heart of the sun.

-No, Rex, that was a dream.

-Dream, yes, yeah.

Like that dream where Claireparker told me to do the washing up?

No, Rex, that was 10 minutes ago and you still need to do it.

Yes, right, yes.

Online game, Planet Dog Show, wooftacular edition, downloaded.

A dog show!

My marvellous anecdote interrupted by some sort of canine carnival.

Oh, how I hate dogs!

It's all, throw the stick, fetch the stick, throw the stick,

fetch the stick, with those guys.

No, I've heard of this. Planet Dog Show is very popular with the girls.

They train up these virtual puppies

and then show them off in a big online arena.

Well, that sounds as boring as a yawning competition.

No, no, Claireparker. It's fabulous.

I've always wanted to enter since I was a little girl.

This is The Console. Please go to online hatch immediately.

Repeat, please go to online hatch immediately

to await delivery from Planet Dog Show.

That could be the application form to enter.

Good boy.

HE GROWLS

Online hatch opening.

I wonder what's coming!

Could be a load of apples.

FOOTSTEPS

-A load of scampering apples.

-BARKING

That had better not be what I think it is.

A load of scampering, barking apples!

Puppies!

They are so adorable.

That one looks like my cousin Reg!

I shall have to show them who's boss.

You simply use an authoritative voice,

show them some discipline and they will behave.

Puppies - sit!

HE SCREAMS

Just show them some discipline(!)

Look...don't bite that!

Give me a K, give me an I,

give me a K, give me an I,

give me a K, give me an I...

what do you get?

Kikiki?

Kikiki...ki.

Do you have to do that in here?

No. I can also do baton twirling.

Awww, thanks, Rex.

Where are all the puppies?

They made a bed in my second-best cloak and went to sleep.

Hateful little scrags of fluff.

What have you got against them?

It's not really the puppies. It's just, I was in my game

and I found this really interesting chest with a goblin puzzle lock.

I was just about to get my teeth into it when, puff!

I was pulled out of the game because of those furry mites.

I'm not sure about keeping animals in The Console.

Can't be very hygienic.

-Oh!

-Hi, all.

Hello, QM.

Maybe you have more details of the Planet Dog Show contest.

-Did you enjoy those biscuits I baked for you?

-These?

They are... They're...

absolutely unique. Unique flavour.

Now, as you may know, the Planet Dog Show

wooftacular edition annual competition is taking place.

Yes, QM. I think there's been some mistake.

We've been sent a load of puppies!

Oh, aren't they adorable?

Yeah, every console will baby-sit

a few puppies for the duration of the competition.

On to more important matters.

I was in-game and I came across this remarkable-looking chest.

With the goblin puzzle lock?

-Exactly.

-You certainly won't be playing all weekend.

Not with the online competition.

Blast!

I don't suppose you've got a picture of that puzzle?

I'm dying to get my teeth into that riddle.

I can do better than that.

I can make you a replica.

Sending to the transporter room now.

'Replica arriving.'

Ha! Thank you, QM. How can I ever repay you?

Just don't bake me any more biscuits.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, and QM, can you enter me in the dog show?

Dog show? You haven't got a dog, have you?

Oh, don't I?

Hmmm.

I remember the last time I had to solve one of these.

It took real cunning, guile and precision.

HE WAILS

Ple-e-ease!

Aaargh!

All I need is a little peace and quiet so I can concentrate.

SCAMPERING AND BARKING

Ooh! Now.

Oh! Puppies.

Down, now. No!

Sit.

Aargh!

HE SCREAMS

This is The Console. Sentient Force training session complete.

Romford and Sergeant Riley released.

Phew! That was a pretty intense training session.

I didn't even realise Sentient Force had an underwater level.

I'm never going to get the seaweed out of me cogs.

Right, let's get to the dorm and dry off.

I need to stretch out after wrestling that robo-shark.

I had to swim directly to...

Aargh!

Puppies! Dogs! Puppies! Dogs!

Puppies! Go to bed now!

PUPPIES WHIMPER

What was wrong with him?

What, Brave Dave there? He's terrified of dogs.

What? Really?

-Yeah, yeah, he can't even look at them.

-Ah!

-Anything you're scared of?

-Yeah.

Elves that ask too many annoying questions.

Oh, really? That's fascina...

Oh, I see what you've done!

A bit higher on the left, Kiki.

Ah, no, the left.

The left, Kiki, that's not straight.

I'm not trying to hang it straight.

Oh, right, that's fine then.

Great.

Don't you think that angle would make people feel a bit seasick?

I think anyone who comes in here will just love it.

Aaargh!

Ah, ah, ah!

Riley, what are you doing? That was my poster!

-Dogs, there's dogs, hundreds of dogs.

-Yeah, we know.

It's the Planet Dog Show, wooftacular edition.

The whole weekend? I've got get out. I can't stay here with them.

What, the puppies?

Argh! Don't even say that word.

Why are you so scared of...

the word we can't say that rhymes with juppies?

I don't know, do I?

It's just the way I was programmed. Why you always slightly on fire?

I'm not.

Why is Kiki always dancing?

No, I don't!

Dogs have always given me the heebie-jeebies something rotten.

I can't even think about them without screaming. Look... Aaah!

We'll help you, Claireparker and I will cure you of your fear of dogs.

Aaah! Aaah!

Sorry. Juppies, juppies.

# Who let the dogs out #

# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who let the dogs out? #

Now, Rex, I can't thank you enough for agreeing to do this.

I have always wanted to enter the Planet Dog Show contest,

and now, ah, you're making that dream come true for me.

Right. And you promise that I don't look ridiculous?

No! No, no, no, no, Rex, you look like the prize-winning pooch.

-The judges will never suspect a thing.

-Yeah.

And I'm going to need a secret dog name.

A name that only a dog would have,

that nobody who isn't a dog would be suspected of having that name.

Rex?

Exactly, a new name for Rex.

Rex, we can call you "Rex".

It needs to be a name that only a dog...

What are you saying about my name?

What do you say that we get on with a little bit of training?

Yeah, all right.

Don't think I've forgotten about this name thing, it's an old family name!

The brilliant thing is, we are so guaranteed to win,

all the other contestants have to train an actual dog,

but I've got you, the amazing Rex Dynamo!

Dog name yet to be decided.

We'll just run through a few of the standard obstacle courses,

a few basic tricks, and we'll win by miles.

Hurray!

I've laid out a sample course, it couldn't be simpler,

you will just slalom round the cones, jump over the hurdles,

go through the tunnel, grab the bunny toy

and bring it back to me as fast as you can.

Sound simple?

-Simple? Sounds brilliant!

-And I'll time it.

And remember, it's all about speed, precision and grace.

-No mess, no mistakes.

-Gotcha.

I'll be brilliant at this, or my name is not King Poochington.

-No?

-No.

Right, ready, steady, go!

BANGING AND THUMPING

How did I do?

Hi, QM, are you all right?

Yeah, everything's brilliant. Stay in there.

What's in the box? Invisible lunch?

No, it's a ghost for an upcoming horror game,

me and a few other quartermasters

are testing him for general spookiness.

ALL SCREAM

Get in your box.

ALL SCREAM

In the box!

Oh, well, certainly scary.

It is, isn't it? Top marks.

Still, I'm sure you two didn't come here to be terrified.

It's about Riley, he's petrified of dogs.

Is he? That's a shame.

What can we do about it?

Well, we were hoping you could help with that.

Here's a thought,

what we need to do is to get him used to being around dogs.

But he won't even go near them.

Here's the clever part, we don't use a real dog,

we start off with a toy dog.

First of all he carries it around for a while,

then he gets used to being near it.

Then he gets close to it, and then he falls in love with it.

Oh, have you got a toy dog we could use?

Yes, I certainly have, meet Mr Binkles.

ALL SCREAM

Put it away!

I don't think Mr Binkles is going to do the trick.

Oh, I see what you mean.

I've got another dog but he's got absolutely no character.

Oh, what's he called?

Generic Dog Toy One.

Oh, that's a posh name.

Yeah, make sure Riley spends a lot of time with him...

Her.

Him. So he gets used to being around dogs.

Will do, thanks, Quartermaster, and good luck with the ghost.

Thanks a lot, bye.

ALL SCREAM

Get back in the box.

Get back in the box, I tell you!

OK, Rex... Rex?

Rex?

-Woofles?

-Yes?

So we'll come back to the obstacle course,

and come back to grooming once the medicated shampoo has worked.

-It really stings.

-Oh, be quiet, Woofles.

Right, let's just go over a few basic commands.

Sit!

What are you doing?

Well, I'm sitting.

You're supposed to sit on the floor.

Why would I sit on the floor when we've got chairs?

Because, Rex...

Ah, ah, ah!

Because, Woofles, you're supposed to be pretending to be a dog,

and dogs sit on the floor.

Well, then maybe somebody should tell dogs about chairs,

and I've decided to change my name to Snoofer.

Fine, Snoofer.

Snoofer the third.

Oh, whatever!

Right, let's try something new.

Heel, heel, heel!

What's wrong with my heel?

Has one of the puppies done his business in my shoe again?

No, no, no!

Heel means come here.

Well, then, why don't you just say "come here"?

And try adding a "please" while you're at it.

Because I can't make this any clearer,

you're supposed to be pretending to be a dog.

Yes, right, OK, sorry.

Right, OK, let's try this.

Lie down!

Well, where are you going?

Well, to bed, to lie down.

-Oh, well, don't.

-Make up your mind!

Oh, bad Snoofer, bad, bad, bad, bad Snoofer.

HE WHINES

Good little puppies, go to sleep.

Good little puppies.

Now, finally, a little peace and quiet so I can concentrate.

Perfect.

Console, initialise Library from Alexia's mansion levels.

Initialising Library.

Aha!

Oh, this is the life, oh, this is the life!

Now, let's look at this puzzle lock.

Interesting.

Goblin alphabet, elfin ruin.

Puppies?

Ah, oh, stay!

Stop!

Aah!

Right, Riley, close your eyes.

Is it a surprise?

It's definitely a surprise.

Careful, when he gets into a panic

it's like a windmill throwing a wobbly.

Romford, you're not helping.

Well, you say I'm not, but I am propping up the end of this bed.

All right, just let us handle the D-O-G.

Hurry up, let's get this over with.

OK, Riley, hold out your hands.

Here goes.

Now, open your eyes.

Meet Generic Dog Toy One.

He's going to help you get over your fear of dogs.

-I don't like it.

-It's perfectly harmless.

You need to get used to it.

Carry it with you everywhere you go,

treat it like a real, live animal.

We even got you a lead.

Have you got a longer one?

-Well, how much longer?

-About half a mile.

Oh, Riley.

Yeah, all right, I'll try it.

Come on, Generic Dog Toy One.

Let's take a turn around The Console.

Oh, my brave little boy. He's growing up.

So, you're sure you understand?

Oh, yeah, absolutely, I've got it.

Because judges love a dog who can do this.

Go for it.

Right, Rex, play dead.

Out, out, brief candle.

Life is but a walking shadow,

a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

and is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

Congratulations(!)

Oh, you liked it?

I learnt that helping Aethelwynne prepare

for his inter-elf Shakespeare festival.

Well, congratulations, indeed,

because if you were to do that in the contest

you would absolutely guarantee we'll lose.

Playing dead means lie still, not do a dying scene from Macbeth.

Now, do it again, do it properly.

-No.

-What?

I said, no.

I've had enough of this,

I've been trying my best to please you, Alexia,

and everything I do is wrong.

So, that's it. I was only trying to be nice, but I've had enough.

You can take your dog show and stick it in your kennel.

Where are you going?

Anywhere, as far away from you.

Come on, Generic Dog Toy number One, um, um, walkies.

Heel.

Come on.

Hey, watch out, Rex, you almost stood on Generic Dog Toy Number One.

Oh, you all right, little fella?

Hello, you, you're quite cute, really, aren't you?

You wouldn't hurt me, would you? No, no, you wouldn't.

Come on, let's go and have some fun. Just you and me, just the two of us.

Come on, little fella, come on.

# We can make it if we try

# Just the two of us

# Just the two of us

# Building castles in the sky. #

Do you want some din-dins?

Yes, you do, you like your din-dins.

A week together before, before he died.

# Good things might come to those who wait

# Not for those who wait too late

# We got to go for all they know

# Just the two of us

# We can make it if we try

# Just the two of us. #

I love you, Generic Dog Toy Number One.

You did it, it worked!

Generic Dog Toy Number One has cured my fear of dogs,

now he's my new best friend.

-Oh, that's amazing, Riley.

-Nice work, Riley.

I just want to tell the world.

No, no, you stupid tin box, you slalom round the cones,

and go through the tube.

Listen, toots, why would I go around the cones

when the most direct route is through them?

That tube serves absolutely no purpose, as far as I can tell.

Because you're supposed to be a dog,

and dogs go around and do the cones-y thing.

Dogs also go around and sniff each other's bums,

but I'm not doing that either, might bust my nasal sockets.

Oh, Romford, you're impossible.

Oh, I wish I was much nicer to Rex.

Rex is kind and generous and enthusiastic.

And I treated him like dirt.

I was just stupidly thinking of myself,

and I hurt his feelings, and he was just trying his hardest.

Oh, I wish he'd give me a second chance.

Well, technically, it would be your 45th chance,

but, go on then, let's enter this dog show.

-We'll win it for sure.

-Rex, really?

Does a dog bark unnecessarily at a postman?

Course I'm sure.

Oh, I'll just do some pre-show grooming.

Oh, do be careful, Rex.

That boy has gone clipper crazy.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

CLIPPERS BUZZ

Oh, oh, do you know, I've seen the entire nests of cloned alien

robots implode into a white hole, but it's nothing on that.

Everyone, I'm cured! I'm no longer afraid of dogs!

What do you think?

Aaah!

Dog! Nightmare dog! Help me! Help me!

Everyone, I want you to keep an eye out

for an escaped prototype ghost,

and if anyone's still entering,

the Planet Dog Show contest is about to begin.

Oh, well, Snoofles, heel.

Woof, woof and woof!

That's, "wish us luck", in dog language.

This is The Console,

transporting Alexia and Rex Dynamo to Planet Dog Show.

Do you think there's any chance they'll win, Romford?

I think we can all be absolutely sure that they haven't got a hope.

Swords of the Ancients now loading,

would Aethelwynne please enter the game?

Aw!

Turn the symbol for Orion's Moon,

the symbol of the sword and, oh!

Bingo!

Aha! Ha ha ha!

To finally see what's inside!

Dog biscuits.

WOOFING

No, no! No! No!

Get back, aah! Aaah!

Alexia and Rex Dynamo released.

Oh, how did you get on?

We were disqualified, Rex bit one of the judges.

It's Snoofer.

Snoofer!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

This is The Console.

Please go to the CBBC website,

where the Pixelface games can now be played.