Quit Bugging Me Pixelface

This is The Console. Pixelface games loading.

# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game

# We're playing with the same old friends

# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game. #

There.

Bit tidier.

-Were you born in a pigsty?

-I'm not sure.

I think I was hatched out of a hairy egg.

No, I mean where are your manners?

Get your feet off the table.

Oh, sorry, Claireparker.

-Oh! No, not there either.

-Oh.

Oh!

Just sit down on the sofa properly.

I've just tidied this room!

Oh, sorry. Erm.

Other way up.

-What do we do with used apple cores?

-Put them in the sofa.

Put them on the sofa. Under the sofa?

Near the sofa? Under a cushion? In the cushion?

It's not the sofa at all, is it?

Er, in the chair?

I knew it was you filling up the sofa with rubbish.

From now on, apple cores go straight in the bin!

Wow! Great shot!

Yeah, it was pretty good, wasn't it?

Good? It was the best shot I've ever seen!

The best what?

Claireparker just got an apple core in the bin from miles away.

Ha! I'm sure I could do better.

Oh, you always have to be better than me, don't you?

Oh, it's not that I always have to be better than you, Claireparker,

I just naturally am better than you.

I could beat you at anything.

OK! Paper, scissors, stone. Go!

Ha! I win!

-Why?

-Because my paper's better than yours.

It's imaginary!

I imagine my paper to be a very high quality antique papyrus

and I imagine yours to be corner shop loo roll.

Therefore, I win.

Yes!

-'Do you wish to go offline?'

-Yes, please.

Oh, I'm all out.

This multi-player lark's too much for me.

18 different players online and we won.

I don't know how we got the better of them.

Cos, my little robot chum, we are the greatest!

High five!

-How exactly to you expect me to high five you?

-Oh, yeah.

High five.

DEEP VOICE: Ow! You've knocked my voice circuits out of whack.

Ah! Oh, actually I was quite enjoying that.

Sorry about that, old chum. Let's power up this firewall.

Oh, do we have to, Riley? For once, let's not bother, eh?

We have to go through the firewall every time we play online.

-There's all sorts of viruses out there.

-Oh, no.

-It tickles me traction controls.

-'Initiating firewall.'

Come on, Riley, it can't hurt. Just this once.

Since when have you been able to do that?

I learnt that off Nankle Chickabel.

He was a fire extinguisher at the British Museum, you know.

Three, two, one...

..throw!

I think I won that one.

No way, I was the best.

Ha!

-We'll go again. Rex, we're going to need more apple cores.

-Oh!

I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can eat another apple.

Oh, right. We'll have to try something else, then. Oh!

First to do 10 press-ups.

You're on!

One, two, three, four, five....

I'm trying to read. Please!

..Eight, nine, ten.

-Who won?

-You both did. You're both as good as each other.

-Now give it a rest!

-No way!

-There is no way that she could be better than me.

-I so am.

-I know!

As it's nearly bedtime, see who can brush their teeth the fastest!

-And then go to bed.

-Oh! How ridiculous.

Yeah, Kiki!

As if we'd compete in something so childish!

Brushing our teeth! Really!

Oh! Wow! Good work, Kiki.

Finally, some peace and quiet.

BUBBLING

Oh, all those apples have given me a funny tummy.

Oh, I wonder what'll help.

Well, they do say fruit is good for you.

She cheated! She started brushing her teeth before I did!

I did not! You had more toothpaste than me. You had an unfair advantage!

Oh, I've got peppermint fur now!

And I'm going to have to wash my sweatbands now!

-Maybe we should just go to bed.

-Maybe we ought to.

-I bet I could fall asleep quicker than you!

-No way.

I'm easily the best at going to sleep.

MUSIC: "It's Oh So Quiet" by Bjork

Right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, right. Oh!

# It's oh so quiet

# Sh, sh

# It's oh so still... #

-Are you asleep?

-Yes, I'm asleep.

Well, how can you be asleep if you can hear me?

Because you're dreaming.

If I'm dreaming, I must be asleep, and I bet I fell asleep before you.

Oh, no. I dreamt that you were sleeping and you dreamt... Oh!

OK, I'm not asleep.

CACKLING

GROANING THEN SQUAWKING

-What was that?

-Is Rex hiding his apples under the floorboards again?

-Rex. You burying your apples the floorboards again?

-No.

I did that last night.

STRANGE NOISES CONTINUE

It doesn't sound like Rex.

Wake up, Riley!

There's something in the console!

My dress, it's covered in plums!

I shall never win the ballet prize now. Oh! Oh!

Sorry, I was dreaming about military manoeuvres. What's happening?

There's something in the console!

FARTING NOISE

Oh!

Spare me! Take them.

Let them sell the robot for scrap.

Oh, oh, charming.

Why not take the elf?

You can break him up and sell him for hair extensions.

SCREECHING

Right, let's have a butchers.

Whatever is it?

A really massive mouse?

Father Christmas?

No, Rex, it's summer time!

Mother Summer-mas?

-What?

-Mother Summer-mas. She's brilliant.

If you don't do a trump for a week,

she puts apples in your shoes.

-Rex, this Mother Summer-mas, is she large and terrifying?

-I don't know.

I've never met her. I've only gone seven minutes without trumping.

-REX TRUMPS

-Console, lights on.

MANIACAL LAUGHING

Console, lights off! Lights off.

WHOOPS AND LAUGHS

It's all right. Stand aside.

Me and Mary Jane will deal with this bug.

THEME FROM THE A-TEAM PLAYS

ALL TALK AT ONCE

THUMPS AND BANGS

MUSIC: "Hurt" by Johnny Cash

# I hurt myself today. #

You nearly had him at the end there.

Nearly had him, did he?

Before or after he whacked him with the table?!

Oh!

All right, all right, I'm coming. Oh!

What's all this rumpus? It's the middle of the night!

Er...QM, what's that bubble above your head?

Oh, I'm wearing my dream projection night cap.

It'll float away when I wake up.

Why would you wear that?

My other night cap's in the laundry. Oh.

There it goes. Oh. It was a nice dream, actually. I married a goose.

I think.

Anyway, what's going on?

There's a bug in the console smashing everything up.

-Even Riley couldn't deal with it!

-Yeah! He took a right drubbing!

All right, I was slightly overpowered!

He was completely useless! Like watching a jelly fight a bear!

All right! I didn't see you leaping in to help!

I am not wearing my fighting pyjamas!

Sounds very serious.

LAUGHING AND WHOOPING

LAUGHING INCREASES

He's a wild little thing.

Let's see.

-Can you tell what it is?

-A nasty virus.

Must have crept in from someone else's game.

We have to download new security patches for The Console.

-That should clear him out?

-How long is that going to take?

Not too long, I hope.

Meanwhile, you lot better stay in here

till it's safe to go back out there.

-I left Romford out there.

-He'll be fine.

He'll just shut himself down an pretend he's a doorstop.

Ooh, that's a good dream, that one.

CONSOLE: 'Security patch downloaded. Security patch downloaded.'

-Now I won't know how the dream ends.

-It's OK.

I managed to get the plums off my dress and...

Then I get a big laser and manage to do an assault course.

-Is it safe to go out yet?

-I think so. I can't hear them any more.

Hope Romford's all right.

Something tells me that this is going to hurt.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Make it stop!

Ow! Ow! Oh!

-He's still here then?

-Romford, what's he doing?

I think he's doing a rock beat in 4:4 time.

Kiki, I hardly think that's appropriate!

Sorry, I just hate to see a good beat go to waste.

Romford, I'll save you, mate.

Back to the stores. To the stores!

Oh, my ears are ringing. Oh, cheers, Riley.

-I owe you one.

-Why hasn't the bug disappeared?

It must have come in from online. But how? That can't happen.

-Cos everyone uses the firewall, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

There's a possibility we might not have used it correctly yesterday.

-Not used it correctly?

-If by "correctly", you mean...

Not at all.

This calls for drastic action. We'll have to fumigate The Console.

-Fumigate it, brilliant!

-Rex, do you even know what fumigate means?

-Yes.

Yes, it's the thing with the dancing horses and the dolphins

and the ice cream, isn't it?

No, that would be some sort of underwater,

equestrian ice-cream parlour.

Fumigation means spraying The Console with a special gas

which will knock out the bug.

-It won't be safe for 24 hours.

-I can't be cooped up for 24 hours.

-I need space, lemon tea, curling tongs.

-Don't worry.

I've put you in the training room. I'll make it a lovely summer meadow.

You can have a camping holiday.

ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER

-Toasting my cogs round a camp fire.

-You're going nowhere, Romford.

What, chief?

You and Riley are the ones who are going to fumigate The Console.

Yeah, you got us into this mess. You can get us out.

-Fair enough.

-I don't suppose pesticide will bother me.

I've got bronze lungs.

That's agreed then. Everyone else, get in the training room quickly.

Come on, Romford. You can distract the bug.

How exactly? Oh. No, no, no. Don't do what I think you're going to do.

Here's your snare drum.

Not again!

-I'll get the food.

-I'll get the tent.

-No, I'll get the tent.

-I'll be quicker.

-You're not quicker than me.

-I so am.

BUG SHRIEKS

This doesn't look much like a summer meadow.

He probably hasn't programmed it yet.

Hello, all. I'm initialising.

'You should be in a summer meadow...about now.'

Oh, this is...

THUNDER RUMBLES

'Oops. I leant on the rain button by mistake.'

'Sorry, I leant on the snow button.'

Turn it off.

That's more like it.

LOUD FOOTSTEPS

GROWLING AND SCREAMING

'Apologies, I leant on the dinosaur button.'

Go away!

Is that it then? No rain, snow, dinosaurs?!

'Just set your tents up and enjoy yourselves.

'Don't go near The Console for 24 hours.

'That pesticide is strong stuff.'

First things first, let's get the tents up.

No, first things first, which bag are my holiday apples in?

I'm not sure. We packed everything in such a rush.

-I bet I can find your apples.

-I bet I can find them first.

We are supposed to be on holiday. Will you stop your silly competing!

Sorry, I'll stop being so competitive.

-I bet I can be less competitive than you.

-I bet you can't.

I'm so the best at being the least competitive.

Why don't you have a competition to see

who can put up two tents the fastest?

OK. Ready, steady, go.

That should keep them busy for a while. Let's get dinner sorted.

-Dinner. Ha. Why don't you cook for a change?

-Really?

-You're going to let someone else cook?

-Why not?

I'll take a walk. Fancy walkies, Rex?

REX HOWLS

-Rex, you're not going to go wild in nature, are you?

-Course not.

Good.

REX MUMBLES

Let's see you deal with this, Mr Bug.

-Oh, that smells awful.

-Since when have you had a sense of smell?

I bought myself a robot nose at a car boot sale.

I'm regretting it now.

If this bug survives this, I will eat my boots.

Here he comes.

Ooh!

It doesn't seem to be affecting him.

BUG SINGS CHEERFULLY

What sauce will go best with your boots? Ketchup?

I do love the countryside.

That's good, since you have most of it on you.

What are we having for tea, Kiki?

I was thinking of making beans on toast.

That's brilliant. That's a great camping meal.

-I can't find any beans.

-Maybe just the toast then.

We don't have any way of making toast.

-Just bread and butter?

-There's no bread.

-Oh.

-Or butter.

-Oh.

-So the best I can suggest is we eat some salt out of our hands.

-Right.

Although we haven't got any salt.

So what you're saying is

for dinner, we're just going to lick our hands.

Yeah.

Huh. It's not that bad, actually.

IRRITATED GASP

Ha-ha!

Ow!

-Are you sure this will work?

-Yeah, can't fail, seen it on the movies.

As soon as he nabs that jam tart, you pull the string, thump!

We've got him!

Right you are, chief.

Here he comes. Here he comes. Right.

Wait for it, wait for it.

SNIFFS AIR

Oah!

Ooh!

Now!

-That's it! That's it!

-And what, what?

Hang on. Hang on.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

I don't, I don't understand it. Don't understand it at all.

Just don't make any sense, do it?

Well, that's just great!

Yeah, well, at least he can't get you in there.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Woo.

Ooh! Ah!

Wah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Mother, oh Mother! Ah! Oh!

I'm winning by miles.

Hah, in your dreams!

I don't understand it, where's all the food?

Aethelwynne, didn't you say you were packing the food?

Now, no, I never said that.

I'm sure you did.

You probably misheard me.

I said I was going to pack the... foot spa.

A foot spa? Why on earth would you bring a foot spa?

What else have you packed in here?

Face cream?

A hair drier?

A fan?

We're outdoors!

What about the food?

Well, there wasn't any room after I packed the essentials.

Hang on.

Ah, some cucumber slices, it's better than nothing, I suppose.

If we divide them up between us...

Ah, the blessed relief. I was becoming a touch dehydrated.

Ah, come on, Riley, chop, chop, he's coming.

-You sure this will catch him?

-Yeah, yeah, can't fail.

Soon as he walks in, takes those jam tarts,

then he will tumble right in and we've got him.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Ooh, aah-ha-ha.

Eeh, hah, van.

LAUGHTER

Whoop-eeh-dooh.

-Hold on, why didn't he fall down the hole?

-What hole?

Yeah, you were supposed to be digging a hole.

I was in charge of putting stuff on top of it.

No, no, I was in charge of putting stuff on top of the hole.

So we've both just been putting stuff on the floor?

-That's why it didn't work.

-Yeah.

Oh well, come on, why don't we eat those jam tarts?

-Well, yeah.

-Shouldn't let them go to waste.

I love jam tarts, me. Woah!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Catch up, Claireparker. I'm almost done. Hah!

Going to do mine first.

It's nearly as good as a campfire. Only without the heat or the light.

-I'm hungry.

-I could do you up some mud if you like?

It's all right, thanks.

BOTH: Finished!

Who won?

-Who put up the tent first?

-Who was best?

It's like the world's most boring Olympics! It was a draw!

No way, I must have finished first.

I must have been the best at tent building.

No, I am! I finished first!

Shut up!

I'm fed up of this! You two always competing.

Why don't you just accept that people are good at different things

and you can't be the best all the time.

Sorry, Kiki.

Only trying to settle it once and for all.

Well, I'll set you a final task to determine who is the best.

BOTH: What is it?

Let's see who can say the nicest thing about the other person,

before we go to bed.

I don't know why we didn't think of this before.

We learnt this in basic training.

I'm not sure, we're not really having any luck with traps.

Exactly. That is why we've set two.

We cannot fail.

Let's get out of sight.

Well, that's one down, one to go.

Oh, just one nice thing.

All right, all right, don't rush me.

Rush? We've been here for three hours.

OK, you're really good...at...

Oh no, hang on.

I really like the way you...

No, no, no, no, hang on, I don't.

All right, all right, I've got it.

Alexia, I think you're really good at putting up tents. There, I said it.

Thanks, Claireparker, and so are you.

See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Let's try and get some sleep.

Soon this nightmare will end.

No trouser press, no Wi-Fi, nowhere to plug in my ear shaver.

Oh, never mind, at least I put a complimentary mint on your pillow.

-Oh, did you?

-No!

And you haven't got a pillow! Now stop moaning and go to bed!

Girls on the left, boys on the right.

Oh, I'm zipped up in the wrong place!

Why is there a guy rope inside?

I'm trapped! The metal's fallen in!

Oh! Don't know what's happened with these poles.

I think you put these tents up in a bit of a rush. I'm trapped!

I take back what I said about you being good at tents, Claireparker!

Hah! Yours isn't much better!

Ah! Riley, Romford, did you catch the bug?

We keep trying to catch him but we keep failing.

There is nothing in this console that can trap him.

Nothing at all.

Nothing?

Are you sure he won't be able to get out of here?

If they put the tent up like they did outside.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER APPROACHES

Ooh! Ho-ho ha-hee-hee!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

We've got him!

Got him! Finally!

I think it's fair to say, when it comes to putting up tents badly,

we're both as bad as each other.

Shall we call it a draw?

-Oh!

-Ow!

How many of these did you set?

-Erm... Two. So that's definitely the last one.

-Doh!

-Let me help you with that.

-Thanks, Claireparker.

You're much better at this sort of thing than me.

Well, I think we've all learned something from this.

-Actually, I know what you haven't learnt.

-What's that?

How to count to two properly.

Gasp!

Hello.

Anyone there?

Room service?

Ah!

Visit The Console.

Please go to the CBBC website where the Pixelface games

can now be played.