Fast and Furious Pixelface

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# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game

# We're playing with the same old friends

# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game. #

# Da da-da, da-da-da... #

Ah!

Speedby's Pear!

Oh.

It's a bit overripe. Erm...

Oh, well.

Wah!

Thanks.

Chilli flakes. Chilli flakes...

Aw, who's gone and put the chilli flakes

on the incredibly high shelf again?

Alexia? You couldn't just...?

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Thanks.

Why do we even have that shelf anyway?

Are you all right, Kiki?

Everyone's like a superhero compared to me.

Riley's incredibly strong, Alexia has amazing gymnastic abilities,

and Claireparker, you're an amazing waitress.

I'm not just a waitress. I also fight zombies.

That's what I'm saying. You do all that zombie stuff

but you've got amazing waitress skills too. It's really impressive.

"Some zombie stuff"?

Uh, I fight loads of zombies and I'm actually amazing at it.

I didn't say you weren't.

I mean, some days, I actually fight up to, like, 100 zombies, yeah?

Proper zombies. Not just zombie rats or hamsters.

Real, mean, nasty zombies.

I'm trying to pay you a compliment!

-Oh, right.

-I could never do what you do.

-I find zombies terrifying!

-OK.

And those coffee machines, they're very complicated.

I just feel underpowered.

Look, don't worry, Kiki.

We'll always be here to help if you really need it.

But I don't want to have to be helped all the time.

I want to be able to do this stuff for myself.

I just want to feel powerful!

Life's so unfair!

What are you doing?

I'm throwing a tantrum, aren't I?!

Trying to break those chopsticks?

Yes, I'm trying to break the chopsticks!

Well, do you need any help?

-No, I can do it!

-Here you go, Kiki. I'll get that.

HE WHISTLES

Aw, Kiki, I'm sure you'd have managed it yourself eventually.

You definitely weakened them for him.

98, 99...

100!

100 brushstrokes done,

leave-in conditioner done,

hot oil treatment done.

Thank goodness I only do this twice a...

What was that?

I have no idea!

Your hair's a bit...

Aagh!

Doh!

Oh.

One, two, three, four...

Come on, Riley. Pull yourself together. We're missing the action.

All right! I just need some time to...get my head right.

Everything all right?

-Ha! This chicken is worried about going online.

-What's the problem?

-It's online! Who knows what kind of weirdos are out there?

-Weirdos?

Your game's packed with cloned alien robots.

How much more weird can it get?

Yeah, but they're MY cloned alien robots.

-Who knows what the ones online are like?

-Oh, for goodness' sake!

I thought you were supposed to be a big brave Marine.

I am! I just need a minute

to get in the zone.

What, the "Buck-aw! Chick-chick-chicken!" zone?

It's all right for you two! I've never been out there before!

Look, you're right. Online is a scary place

but you're a big, brave Marine. You'll be fine.

It smells funny.

Oh, you'll be fine!

Just make sure you come back to the same port.

-I just want to do it in my own time.

-It'll be fine. Look.

Whoa!

Oof! It's all wet!

Go on, Marine. Get in.

You know, you can be really pushy sometimes.

Oh, go and file a complaint with your drill sergeant!

Mary Jane!

Ow! Me cogs!

This is not finished, Alexia.

Mary Jane! Hold on, I'm coming!

Ooh! Blimey! Get off me!

You sure it was him?

Yes, it was a red colour, and I was covered in hair when it left.

-I think it's coming back.

-Quick! Get the camera ready!

All right, night mode? Portrait?

Children or animals? That's a tricky one. Which do you think he is?

Put it on sports mode! I'll put on red-eye reduction.

Oh, here it comes! Take a photo!

REX YELLS

Ah! Well, it's definitely him!

Oh! How did they get on there?

There must be some sort of... someone having a joke! Ahem.

Look, there's another one of Rex.

Oh, he's writing in this one.

REX HOLLERS

"I am stuck on Turbo Mode and can't stop. Please help.

"Will be back before you finish reading..."

REX YELLS

"..this note."

Come on!

Oh, come on, Riley, that's all of it done. I'm going to head back.

Come on!

-Is that the best you can do?

-Come on, Riley. That's enough.

-Come on, let's head home.

-Oh, yeah?

Come on, that's time up. It's time up, we've got to go.

Just a few more minutes. I've just got a few more to get.

Suit yourself. I'm off for an oily bath.

Don't forget to come back through this portal when you're finished.

OK, like that, is it? Yeah?

Yeah!

And don't talk about my mother like that again!

Now, which one did I come through?

Was it this one?

Oh, it probably doesn't matter much anyway.

'This is The Console. Portal violation detected.

'Portal violation detected.'

Oh! Alexia.

-I need to talk to you about before.

-Oh, dear, what is it?

You can't chuck people's stuff around. We weren't ready.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

You chucked Romford through the portal.

I don't know a Romford

but whatever it is I've done to upset you,

I'm really very sorry.

Right. That's...a bit more like it.

What...?

-Claireparker, I'm sorry.

-'Bout what?

-I made you spill your crisps.

-Dah...

You still have quite a lot of crisps.

I'm going to be covered in zombie bits in about 20 minutes

so what's the diff?

How long have we had that vase?

What do you mean? It's always been there.

'Ere, listen, I'm going to have a bit of a nap.

Wake me up... Actually, no, don't wake me up.

(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Alreet, lad? What kept you?

Why are you talking like that?

'Ere, Bradford, keep it down. I'm trying to have a nap!

Bradford? What...? Oh, Sorry...

Are you 'reet? You look like you don't even recognise me.

Well, I...

You must have taken a big plasma hit on your bonce in t'last round.

-I think I might have made some sort of mistake.

-Aye, 'appen tha did.

Sit yourself down. I'll make us a cuppa.

Oh, well, that'll be very nice. I mean, that'd be...reet grand.

Why don't you put your feet up 'n' all?

-What, you mean...

-Aye, go on, lad. That's what I'm 'ere for.

Switching to vibro-massage mode.

AETHELWYNNE BELLOWS

Ripley! Got you now!

Ha-ha! What're you going to do, big man?

What're you going to do now you're in the vice?

Nothing! That's what!

Hurgh!

(STRANGLED VOICE) Aethelwynne?

Yeah, I just totally unloaded on this troll.

He was like, "You'll not cross my bridge!"

I went, "We'll see about that."

He was like, "I guess we will," and then I was like, boom!

Knocked him off the bridge into the stream! It was like game over!

Game over! Huh!

That sounds...pretty cool?

Oh, yeah, it was way cool.

And he was like, "Oh, I made such a mistake

"not respecting the A-man's awesomeness!"

Believe!

A-man - one! Troll - nil!

Oh, Good Lord. Not another troll anecdote.

Let we guess, you threw him off a bridge?

Boom! Splash! Hnghh!

Well, you certainly paint quite a picture.

That's, what, the third troll-dunking this week?

-The stream must be positively littered with the poor beasts.

-Yeah!

They're like, "I'm in a stream! I got pushed in by the A-man!

"This is awful! Oh, no!" Rragh!

Yes, well, your powers of expression astonish me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with my journal

and this medley of Calville Rouge d'Automne,

an exquisite eating variety with a smooth creamy texture and...

..the most subtle strawberry overtones. Here.

You may have one as well. Enjoy, Major.

Ma...major?

I'm a major?

Well, of course you are. You're on 80,000 points.

Are you all right, Major? You seem a little...odd.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I've never been better, actually.

Switching to vibro-massage mode.

Good here, isn't it?

It's awesome!

Rargh!

This is it? This is my upgrade?

More moon boots?

Yep. Moon boots times two.

All right. But what do they do?

Well, whatever it is, they're doing it right now.

These are rubbish! Haven't you got anything else for me?

No.

All I've got is Sgt Riley's upgrade.

He was meant to come in and pick it up. Ergh!

But he's not been in today.

Can you do me a favour and drop it off?

Wow.

What's that?

Well, this is...

They're super high-tech XL pneumatic power gloves,

a servo-enhanced exoskeletal ergo-adaptive

power-assistance device.

The only word I understood there was gloves!

Mind how you go with them, because they're a wee bit heavy.

Sure you'll be OK with that?

-Yeah, I'll be fine!

-OK.

Yeah! 601!

602!

Yeah, amazing!

It's great finally having someone to work out with.

Yeah! Especially working out with me. I envy you, I really do.

I've tidied up your quarters,

done all your washing, and polished your extra set of body armour

just to say I'm really very sorry for whatever it is I did.

That's unusually considerate of you, Alexia, but you didn't have to...

-do that?

-Oh, come on, she loves to do that stuff.

She does all my washing, although she doesn't have to iron my stuff

because I just flex the creases out!

Whoagh!

Look at this!

Wrinkle free!

I mean, I get headaches sometimes, but that's normal, right?

Oh, QM. I had a question for you...

Aah! I mean, hello?

What can I do for you, petal?

Oh, I was just wondering what would hap...

what would happen if a character from online

went into the wrong console by mistake

and wanted to stay there?

Let's have a look, shall we?

Right. Right.

Well, according to this, he could stay there indefinitely

but I've no idea why he'd want to.

What if the new console was a lot better than his old one?

I think all consoles are about the same, aren't they?

Yeah... Yeah, you'd be surprised.

ROBOTIC STRIDES

She says they were an upgrade

but I don't see where they fit into her game.

Chilli flakes. Chilli flakes...

Do you want me to get them?

Oh, no. I can do it.

Oh! Alexia, I was going to sit there.

Well, there are other chairs!

Ah! OK, this one's fine here too!

You see, to the outside observer,

the individual is perceived to be travelling extremely quickly

whilst on Speed Boost.

However, from my point of view, time is moving relatively slowly.

The subject of time is subjective.

Right. Like how this conversation feels like normal speed to you,

but to me, it feels incredibly slow.

-Ah, your tactics have let you down today, Major Riley.

-Eh?

Checkmate!

-Were we playing chess?

-Of course.

As you know, we play for three hours every day.

Three hours?

Every...day. Would you care for a rematch?

Chess match is over! Go time!

I see you're playing your traditional opening move,

the Idiot's Gambit.

Move over, furbrain! Come on, Major! Let's arm-wrestle!

I will crush you! Let's go!

I do not want to arm-wrestle you.

You hear that, boys?

We beat him in the mind!

Default victory to the A-man!

Yes, they fear the guns! They are right to fear the guns!

Hurrgh!

You know what? I might just go and...do the washing up.

-It's beginning to smell a bit.

-I wouldn't bother.

Someone else will do it.

You want to do another set?

I could go a couple of hours. Want to spot me?

No, I...I'm exhausted.

Why don't you get Kiki to give you a shoulder rub?

Did someone say shoulder rub?

That's your Kiki?

What you trying to say, mate?

Alexia! Alexia!

I'm just going to head off.

Yes, Claireparker?

The place is looking like a tip. Do the tidying up, would ya?

Um...

Well, I suppose I could.

That's my power shake! Get off my power shake!

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!

I...I'm just sorry.

Wurgh! Ooh!

I'm just really sorry.

Urgh! Huh! Whurgh!

Here come the frogs! Ugh! Ooh!

I think you'll find that's my seat.

Oh, don't be silly, Kiki. I always sit here.

Wah!

What's that around your neck?

It's my amulet!

Hmm. It's pretty. I like it.

Ah! My amulet!

What?

Ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Alexia!

-Why are you so nervous all the time?

-Oh, am I?

I don't know. It's fine, though.

I don't want to make any trouble.

It's not about making trouble.

It's about, you know, standing up for yourself.

Kiki. Kiki! How many times have I told you? Could you stop that?

Why do you let them treat you like that?

You're an amazing person.

-Oh, I don't know about that.

-Course you are. You're dead smart.

-Well, I do have a couple of degrees, I suppose.

-There you are.

And you're a brilliant gymnast.

Oh, I do the odd flic-flac, that's all.

And you're so well-travelled. You're a very sophisticated person, Alexia.

Oh. I suppose I am.

And you're so well spoken.

Yes! That's true.

I've never thought about this stuff before.

Maybe you should. I mean, look, you're better than this.

Do you know, you're right. I am.

In fact...

Why on earth am I doing all their washing-up?

Good question. Look at them. They're no better then you are.

No! In fact, most of them are worse.

Well...I don't know about that.

Of course they are! Claireparker's a complete slob.

Rex is a massive bore, and Aethelwynne's a meathead.

Bit harsh, maybe.

Oh, and as for Bradford, I can't tell a word he says!

Why doesn't he speak English?

-He does.

-Barely.

And Kiki's just weird.

She's always sawing logs.

Do you know,

I don't know why I've been taking it from these losers all this time!

I've had enough!

Good for you!

I think.

Ha-ha-ha!

How can that even be the same game?

-You what, mate?

-Nothing. Nothing, carry on, mate. Carry on.

Uh, so, seeing as everyone finds them a bit frightening,

we were wondering if you might think about taking them off?

I'm sorry, Claireparker. But I've never felt so powerful!

Um, OK, look.

I'll tell you what.

I'll be more careful from now on, OK?

Uh... I'm having trouble breathing!

I know, but it just feels so good, you know?

I'm going to get some water!

Oh! Romford, are you OK?

Uh, yes. Just a bit of loose plating.

Riley will take care of it when he gets back.

Oh, no, I can have a go.

Oh, no, no, no. That's fine, I think I'll...

Oh! Ah! Oh! Do you know, I'll be fine. Please...

I've nearly got it! It's all right.

CRUMPLING METAL

-Ow!

-Rrrgh!

-Ah.

-Romford!

-Oh.

-I'm so sorry!

I say, my differentials have gone right up into my servo.

Do you want me to try and expand you back out?

No! No! Don't touch me!

I mean, no, I'll be fine.

When did we decide I'd be the one to catch it?

-We took a vote.

-When?

When you were out of the room.

Now concentrate. When he hits, you grab on.

Oh! Here he comes!

Waah!

Did he get him?

AETHELWYNNE SCREAMS

Oh, shut up, Aethelwynne, it's fine!

But it looks a lot faster than it feels.

That's the weird thing about being on Turbo Boost.

It looks like normal speed while it's happening to you.

-Interesting.

-But then it looks like everyone else is in slow motion.

Wow!

Woo! Hello!

This is fascinating!

Go over to Kiki! This will be good.

Ooh! This is rather good!

Never mind that!

You've got to go to the Quartermaster

and get an elastic deceleration net.

-It's my only hope!

-I was rather enjoying the ride!

Just get on with it!

Bradford, you useless piece of metal! Get vacuuming!

-You! Scrub harder.

-Yes, of course.

And you! Clean faster!

You, elf. Make me a sandwich!

Right away, Alexia.

Claireparker, for goodness' sake!

Brush your hair and sort yourself out, girl!

Yes, Alexia. I'm doing it right away, Alexia.

Less talk, more action!

Look, Alexia, it's great you being so assertive and everything

but you might not want to overdo it.

And what makes you think I'll take advice from you, soldier boy?

I've got five degrees, you know. I can make up my own mind.

In fact, why aren't you cleaning like the others?

What? Think you're better than everyone, do you?

Sandwich ready, Alexia!

My work here is done.

Where are you going, Major Ridley?

Get back here and clean up this mess!

Ugh, this sandwich is disgusting!

And I said no mustard, elf-boy!

'Welcome back, Sergeant Riley.'

Alexia!

-Oh, Riley...

-I've missed you!

Never change! Never change! You're perfect as you are.

-Um, OK. OK.

-Ahem.

Oh, I'm sick of these!

Oh, come on. Give me a hand.

-Aethelwynne!

-No way! I saw what you did to Romford!

Oh, the indignity.

I think I prefer you this way.

Do you know what?

I deserve this.

I went mad with the power.

I thought it was a blessing, but it was a curse!

A terrible curse!

SHE SOBS

I can't even offer someone a kind touch,

a warm hand, a simple pat on the back.

REX YELLS

I mean, what use are these?

SHE WAILS

OK, Kiki. We throw the net, you grab him.

Got it.

So, Other Console Rex is really intelligent?

Yeah, he's dead smart.

That must mean the other version of me is a complete genius.

-Yeah... Well, not exactly.

-Ssh! I can hear him coming!

Get ready, Kiki!

-Oof!

-Ah!

That was horrible! Thanks, Kiki.

Aw, you're all right now.

Rex! You freed me!

Thank you!

Ah! Kiki! You're squeezing too hard!

Really?

Cool.

Ah!

REX BLOWS

Alexia! Thank goodness you're here.

I got pinned down online for 18 hours.

Someone stole my exit port.

I couldn't get out of there. It was awful.

Yeah? And what do you want me to do about it?

Just some water? A glass of water, please.

Forget it!

I'm not your servant. Go get it yourself!

Shoulder rub?

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