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# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game

# We're playing with the same old friends

# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game. #

This is The Console. Groove Academy 2 session complete.

Kiki Nova released.

DANCE MUSIC

Good game, Kiki?

Great. Except, while the family were having lunch,

the dog went to sleep on the controller.

Aaah! Somebody help me!

Luckily enough for me,

swinging round for hours on end doesn't really affect me.

I am a professional, after all.

See? She's even learned how to breakdance.

Enjoying your first ever chess match, Riley?

Eh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think I've got him exactly where I want him.

Yeah, certainly looks like it could go either way.

-Check.

-Eh?

Check!

Check what? What, are my flies undone?

-Riley, do you even know how to play this game?

-Of course I do.

Ladders go up, snakes go down,

and you need four houses before you can buy a battleship.

-Snap!

-What?! No!

This is chess,

one of the finest and oldest tactical games in the universe.

The object of the game is to protect your king at all cost.

Oh, right. Why didn't you say so in the first place?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

There you go. He's safe as houses, now. Do I win?

Yes.

-Hi, Alexia.

-Rex.

DUMBBELL CLANGS

Sent yourself another present, Alexia?

No, this parcel just arrived for me.

Fan mail, I expect. Probably some expensive jewellery.

Mmm. Nice forehead jewellery.

What?!

Ah! It's from my uncle Vladimir from Russia.

-And what did you do to upset him?

-What do you mean?

Well, normally people put their rubbish in the bins.

This is not rubbish, thank you very much.

I don't expect someone as unsophisticated as you

to appreciate a gift like this.

So, if you're so sophisticated, what is it, then?

Well, it's obviously a... Maybe it slots in...

Or maybe it fits...

No, I've no idea.

It says here it's a souvenir from a popular Russian game.

Mm, those Russian winters must just fly by.

Have you really got a Russian uncle, Alexia?

Yes, I've got family from all over the world.

That's what happens when you have a back story

as rich and fascinating as mine.

Back story?

Yeah, you know. The life story of the characters

that's written into every game.

I used to be a waitress,

and now I live in a post-apocalyptic landscape

dispatching zombies for a living. The same old blah-blah-blah.

Oh. I don't know mine.

You don't know your back story?

No. Do you all have one, then?

Yeah. Even Romford's got a back story.

I was born in a simple components factory.

It was a hard life, but we were happy.

Me dad was a combination washer-dryer.

Me mum was an anglepoise lamp.

Yeah. Not now, Romford.

That's beautiful, Romford. An anglepoise lamp?

I don't think I've got a back story.

Well, of course you do! Our back stories are what defines us.

Unlike you lot, mine is, of course, centuries old.

Steeped in the legends and myths of Elvish culture.

It's what makes me such a fascinating character.

Talking of me, and being fascinating,

you'll be pleased to hear that today

is a very special day in the Elvish calendar.

Yes, it's Aethelwynne-mas!

A feast to celebrate the handsomest, most noblest,

bestest elf that ever there was.

-Aethelwynne?

-Mmm?

Have you just made up a festival in your own name

so you can cook some weird food?

No!

Yes! Happy Aethelwynne-mas!

And what happens on Aethelwynne-mas?

I shall be cooking you all a traditional Elvish dinner.

I better get right to it.

Oh, Elvish food is disgusting.

Do you remember what happened at the last feast he had?

I was scraping food into a bin, but it kept saying "No."

Yeah, that's cos it wasn't a bin, it was me. Wearing me new swing-top hat.

Come on, Kiki.

Let's go and see the QM, find out about your back story.

Strange.

I know. Just stay down.

Oh, wow! Hi. And what can I do for you all?

We were wondering if we could show Kiki our back stories.

Back stories. Right, yeah. Of course.

OK. Back stories, back stories, where are we?

OK, Alexia, there's yours.

Er, there's Aethelwynne's.

Romford and Riley, there we go.

Claireparker, there's your one.

Rex. Nice purple one for you.

And, er...

Wow! Where's mine?

I think this must be it.

That's it? This is my back story?

Well, it might not be very long,

but I'm sure it's packed full of information.

Kiki Nova loves to dance.

That's all there is?

So, what you're saying is, I've got no history, no family, no skills.

I just dance.

I'm not that important no-one even thought to write a story about me.

-I'm sure there's an explanation.

-Oh, forget it.

I wish I'd never asked.

Ah! Riley, Riley! I need you to taste this for me.

I want to know whether the trout fungus

is overpowering the stewed owl.

Ah! Er, yeah. Oh, sorry, I've got to go and look for my jumpsuit.

But you're wearing it.

Yes, yes I am.

That's cos I've got to go and find the other jumpsuit.

I've never seen you in another jumpsuit.

No. That's cos I've got to go and... I don't know where it is!

Ahem. See ya!

Claireparker!

-Taste this!

-Oh, sorry, I can't, I've got a cold.

Oh. You don't sound like you have a cold.

No, it's come on quite suddenly.

Sorry. A-tchoo!

-Oh.

-Bless me!

This is the console. Groove Academy 2 now loading.

Would Kiki Nova please enter the game?

Kiki! Kiki! Try this, would you?

Kiki, no!

-Well?

-All right.

-Wow. She must be miserable.

-Yes. Oh, she must be really depressed.

What is going on?

Where do you keep coming from?

You know, I feel sorry for Kiki.

I know, but what can you do?

I keep telling her, don't wear fluorescent orange

unless you want to look like a bin man.

What? No, not her clothes, her back story.

Listen, I've had an idea. Why don't we write one for her?

How do you mean?

Well, we could all get together and write a back story for Kiki.

It'd be a nice surprise for her.

Uh...

Ok, this is beyond strange.

-Right, come on, guys, we haven't got long.

-Where is Kiki?

She's still in her game. Do you know, I've never seen her this unhappy.

# Last night I dreamt

# That somebody loved me... #

-What you doing with that?

-I can't bear to eat in the kitchen.

It smells like Aethelwynne's cooking socks and cowpats.

I think that's cos he is.

HE SNIFFS

Ooh, lovely!

OK. Come on, Kiki'll be out soon.

Ow!

RILEY LAUGHS

-What's this doing here?

-I don't know how they keep getting everywhere.

You've got to be alert to danger, Rex. At all times, yeah?

REX LAUGHS Well, that's not much of a free gift.

Look, can we please focus on Kiki's back story.

Does anyone have any suggestions for Kiki's birthplace?

BUBBLING NOISES

OK. Let's recap.

The suggestions for where Kiki could've been born are -

a large country mansion, a space station,

an apple factory,

or the electronics section in a department store.

OK, it's not like these are the worst ideas I've ever heard.

No, wait, hang on a second. These are the worst ideas I've ever heard.

Oh, come on! Surely we'd all want to be born in a mansion if we could.

It's the best back story you could possibly have!

Certainly better than,

I don't know, a waitress in a town full of zombies, or something.

Hey!

Better than an apple factory? I don't think so.

I'd give anything to have come from the electronics department.

To be born with a silver USB cable in me mouth.

ALL ARGUE

WHISTLES

Look, we're obviously not all going to agree on the same story,

so I suggest we all take a small section of the story

and write it separately, and then we can...

Ow.

Where do the new ones keep coming from, Alexia?

I told you. I don't know.

You know what? Uncle Vladimir will never come and visit.

What say we just throw these bricks away?

That is what I call a good idea.

It's like they're just falling out of the air!

Oh, nothing gets past you, does it, FUR-lock Holmes?

-Right! I think this is the last of them.

-Great.

And how are you getting on with that surprise for Kiki, Riley?

All finished.

I don't understand it.

Why do they keep multiplying like that?

Let's not worry, eh? At least everything's back to normal now.

ROMFORD: Oh, yeah. "Normal."

-Alexia?

-Mmm?

Can I make a suggestion?

That the next time you receive a parcel from a distant relative,

don't open it, file it under "R" for rubbish present,

put the file in the bin, and then set fire to the bin.

Aethelwynne, didn't you notice what was going on?

Notice what? I've been too busy making my Aethel-mas dinner.

And it would help if you lot would stop with your practical joking.

-What joking?

-Don't you come the innocent

badger-squirrel thing with me!

You've been taking my pans and things when I've not been looking.

I've had to resort to extreme measures.

This is The Console. Groove Academy 2 session complete.

Kiki Nova released.

Why is it raining coloured bricks in here?

Is it because of global warming?

Kiki, we've got a surprise for you.

Ow.

Rex, you give Kiki her surprise.

I'm going to see the QM and see if we can't sort out these block.

And maybe get an umbrella when I'm there?

Or maybe a hard hat.

So, what's this surprise?

Sit down.

Allow us to present...

..Kiki Nova's back story!

-My what?

-We've written it for you.

We all did a bit each. Ahem.

"Kiki was born in a giant mansion in the countryside,

"because that is the best and I don't care what the rest of you say.

"Growing up, Kiki had a horse named Dasher,

"who, despite being beautiful and strong,

"wasn't as good as the horse I had."

Alexia wrote this bit.

Right.

"Then, when Kiki was five, she moved to

"a C-class intergalactic space station

"orbiting the planet of Zanthar-6.

"She enjoyed playing games like zero-gravity dodge ball,

"titanium conkers and scissors, paper, thermonuclear missile."

I see.

"Kiki lived with her mum,

"who taught her the importance of eating

"five portions of apples a day..."

I did this bit, and I drew the apples in 3-D. Watch.

Wooooooh!

"..and her dad, who was a hairdryer."

Oh, Romford! You said you weren't going to write that!

There's nothing wrong with being a hairdryer. My uncle was a hairdryer.

-Thanks, everyone.

-No, wait, we haven't finished.

Look, I appreciate you all trying, but this isn't my story.

These are just YOUR stories. I've just got to accept it.

I'm too boring to have a back story of my own.

Aaah! Aaah! Right, that's it!

I cannot cook under these conditions.

Will somebody do something about these wretched bricks?!

This is exhausting.

I am a professional.

Aah! I suppose you think this is funny, do you?

-Did that chair just disappear?

-First the plates disappear,

then the cupboard disappears, then the chair disappears,

and now my arm has disappeared.

HE SQUEALS

There's something you don't see every day.

My arm! What have you done with my arm?

-We haven't done anything.

-Ah, you're all there. Good.

As you may have noticed, something rather peculiar has been happening.

It's all the fault of these preposterous bricks, I'm afraid.

They're designed to multiply, you see.

And the more there are, the more memory they use up.

-The Console's memory?

-Yes.

And now there are so many of them, the memory's almost full.

In order to avoid crashing, The Console is temporarily

deleting random items, such as furniture or...

-My arm!

-Yes, arms, pans, chairs, that kind of thing.

We have to get rid of these blocks, or soon they'll delete everything.

But we tried throwing them away. It didn't work.

No, they just replace themselves.

They keep coming back. Like boomerangs.

Or dogs with elastic leads.

How do we get rid of them?

-It's very simple.

-What you do is...

Anyone else get the feeling we might be in trouble? Ow.

It's getting heavier out there.

OK, has anyone got any suggestions?

Kiki?

Well, there was one thing, but... No, it's stupid.

OK, anyone else, hands up.

Or in Aethelwynne's case, "hand" up.

I have had just about enough from you, you jumped up calculator.

I've had enough of your moaning,

you pointy-eared Grumblestiltskin.

Well, pardon me. I just happen to have lost one of my appendages.

I think I'm entitled to let off a little steam.

Now, why don't you go make yourself useful?

I'm sure there's a door that needs wedging open, somewhere.

I wish you'd get lost. Oh!

-I've never had a wish granted before.

-Oh, no!

Now we're starting to disappear.

OK, look, don't panic.

I'm sure there's a simple solution, isn't there?

Hang on, how come he disappeared first?

A-ha! Of course! I SO knew I'd work it out.

We're all being deleted in order of how much memory we take up.

So Aethelwynne was the first to disappear

because he has the most complicated back story.

Which means that the next person to disappear is...

Oh, boo!

Alexia!

Right, that's it. I'm not going to sit here

and wait to be deleted.

I'm going to get out and kick some coloured brick butt.

No... No...

A-ha!

Here it is - the manual.

Good work, Riley!

Right, what does it say?

Erm. Eh.

Oh, no, no!

It's all in some crazy code.

What?

Oh, well done, Sergeant Stupid, this is Russian.

Right, Romford. Can you translate?

Course. I speak every language in the world.

French, Russian, Hurdy-Gurdy.

Right, well, go on, then!

OK. It says, "Excuse me, sir, is this the way to the swimming pool?

"Waiter, two choc ices and a smoothie for my fiancee."

Right. Romford, when you said you could translate, were you lying?

Oui.

Sorry about him. He lies when he's under pressure. Don't you, Romford?

No, I don't. My name's Martin.

Just ignore him. Console! Console!

Can you translate these games instructions, please?

Certainly. Translation is as follows.

"Thank you for purchasing Russia's finest strategy game."

Console memory now 90% full.

-SLOW VOICE:

-All non-essential functions suspended.

-Oh, this just keeps getting better!

-Console! Console!

How long can we carry on like this? There's no power, no food.

Don't worry, everyone! I always carry extra rations in case of emergencies.

-Dog biscuits?

-Yeah! Do you want one?

Er, no thanks. I think there must be something else to eat.

Well, I'm sure Aethelwynne's elf dinner is still out there.

Right, OK. Give me one.

-Fine, that's it.

-What are you going to do?

What I should've done from the very beginning. Blast them!

I don't think that'll work. I think maybe the answer...

The time for thinking is over.

The time for meaningless destruction has just begun.

Wow, it worked!

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

You stupid...

That was good timing.

CONSOLE: Memory 93% full.

Bet you're grateful for a short back story now.

OK, guys, let's try and make it to the training room.

Might not be so bad in there. OK, Rex.

We're going to proceed in a pincer movement. OK?

You take point, then as soon as you've established a perimeter,

I'll lay down an offensive barrage,

we can all rendezvous at the checkpoint. Understand?!

I understood everything up to "Rex."

OK, good man. Doesn't matter.

OK, on my count.

One, two, three, go, go, go!

LOUD CRASH

RILEY GROANS

Urgh. Romford, get me out of here.

-Sure. How?

-I don't know, think of something!

I guess that did the trick.

Oh, no!

-Come on, let's try and get to the training room.

-Yeah.

What a way to go! Deleted cos of a bunch of stupid blocks!

I'm sorry, Rex.

Console memory 98% full.

Kiki, earlier on it sounded like you had an idea.

What were you going to say?

It was nothing. It was stupid.

Well, we've tried everything else. Why not give it a go?

Because it won't work. I'm not smart like the rest of you.

I haven't got any special skills.

All I'm good for is dancing. There's no way I'd be the one

to come up with the answer.

I believe in you. So what if you don't have a back story?

It's not where you come from that counts, it's what you do.

You might be right!

But Rex...

KIKI GASPS

This'll never work.

I did it! It worked!

Aaah! Kiki?

Rex, you're back! I did it, look!

Ha! That's brilliant, Kiki!

Quick, we haven't got any time to lose!

Looks like these are the last two blocks.

ALL: Yay!

Hang on. Why's he got no head?

I don't understand it. I'm sure there aren't any left.

-Romford?

-What? I don't know anything.

BOTH: Romford!

Oh, All right.

You've got to admit - he's a lot less annoying without a head.

Erm, Alexia, why don't you wait a minute before you do that.

Why?

BUBBLING NOISES

Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Oh!

-Are you OK?

-Yes.

Although it feels like I've had an itchy ear for forever.

Oh! That's better!

Ah! How is it?

All back to normal. No more blocks.

Thank goodness for that.

There is one thing that didn't re-appear.

-What's that?

-Your Aethelwynne-mas dinner.

I'm so sorry.

What?!

That doesn't make any sense!

Oh, this is the worst Aethel-mas ever!

What did you do with it?

Riley took it to his game and blasted it off into space.

Better safe than sorry.

What did you say?

BOTH: Nothing!

Hey, hang on. What's this? This wasn't here before.

Kiki, it's got your name on it.

What is it?

Ah, yes. That's your updated back story, Kiki.

I thought you should have a record of your accomplishments.

"Not only is Kiki Nova an exceptional dancer,

"she's also thoughtful,

"heroic, loyal to her friends and a brilliant problem solver."

Ooh, stop it!

APPLAUSE

And you can keep it.

-Oh, no. That's OK. Just put it on the shelf with the others.

-Really?

Yeah, it's nice having a back story,

but where you come from doesn't mean everything, does it?

No, I suppose not.

Could you just put a bit in there

about me having a better horse than Alexia? Thanks.

I am SO sorry. I don't know what happened.

What are we going to have for dinner tonight, now?

Well, don't worry. I've cooked up a little something instead.

I call it "edible food."

It's my own special recipe.

It's chicken stew. Try some!

Bleugh! Ah!

No, I... I've just remembered I've got to go and get my pinny.

You've already got it on.

Erm, yes, I need to get my... other one.

Everyone, look! I've got another present.

What is it? Oh, it's not from your uncle Vladimir again, is it?

Er, no. It's from my uncle Shane in Australia.

Apparently it's a souvenir from the classic strategy game, Snake.

Oh, it's empty! Oh, how annoying!

HISSING

What?

SHE GASPS

# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game Living in a game... #

This is The Console. Please go to the CBBC website

where the Pixelface games can now be played.