Major Players Pixelface

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# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in a game

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That was close! That plasma blast nearly upset Riley's sandwich.

Oh, no, look at that! They're ruined!

He's not going to be happy.

Whoo!

Romford, look, I've only gone and rescued the Navizor device.

Good work, Sergeant!

-What happened to my sandwiches?

-I think the corned beef

might have survived the blast.

-Do you want one of those?

-'This is the console. Bonus mission unlocked.

'Escort Major Nomad and the Navizor device safely

'to the space station on Phi Gamma Gamma Phi Phi.'

-Major Nomad?!

-Yeah, that's what she said.

She's legendary!

-Never heard of her.

-She's my hero!

She's a major in Space Destiny III.

She's got hundreds of holo-medals.

I heard she's tough, but if she likes me, this could mean a promotion.

-Do you think she'll be wanting sandwiches?

-Major Nomad and me!

This is an amazing opportunity. We're going to be best friends.

I know it. I just know it.

Major Nomad. How wonderful to meet you!

Smarten up when you're talking to a superior officer!

Look at those shoes. Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you.

-But you said...

-Don't answer back!

-Salute your superior officer!

-Would you care for a corned beef sandwich?

Er, they are covered in dirt.

That sounds lovely! What a handsome little droid.

You're right, mate. She's blinding.

So, what are these again?

These are all the hard copies of all our games.

Every safe point, every cut scene, every upgrade.

-That's a lot of paper.

-What's it doing here?

It's doing nothing for the feng shui.

The QM says we have to put them all in alphabetical order.

I'm not doing it!

These hands are made for spell-casting and swordplay,

-not filing.

-And I'm not completely sure about the alphabet.

-I mean, I do know it starts with the letter pip.

-You have to help.

-We all have to help.

-I agree with the waitress-cleaner girl.

Oi! It's just waitress, and there is that zombie-slaying stuff too.

Whatever! I'm sure whatever it is you do, you do it well.

So, shall we start with this little task?

It does sound a bit boring, though, doesn't it?

Like one of Aethelwynne's poems.

I will have you know that my last 420-verse poem,

The Lady Who Owned A Stick

came third in the Biannual Poetry-Reading Competition.

-And how many entrants were there?

-Two.

-If you'll just listen to us...

-I'm sorry!

I have loafing around to do.

Yeah, and I was planning to spend the afternoon trying to lick my elbow.

No.

No.

-Oh! This is going to take for ever!

-You lot are unbelievable!

-I couldn't agree more.

-'This is the console.

'Sergeant Riley, Romford and Major Nomad arriving.'

-What? Who's Major Nomad?

-Must be a guest character.

He'll be here all weekend, then. Not a moment's peace.

Come on, Sergeant! Hup two, hup two! Put your back into it.

Isn't this lovely? What a cosy little place.

-Do you normally have this many folders?

-Um, this is Major Nomad.

-She's brilliant.

-Do ignore him.

Our friend here is chuffed

because I managed to get his happiness circuits working.

I can laugh! I can smile! I can hear children play and birds sing.

Major Nomad is a very important...

I did not hear you request permission to speak, Sergeant!

Keep your opinions to yourself!

And take my case to my quarters on the double. Let's go!

-Hello, Major. I'm...

-Aethelwynne.

Son of Firon of the Elven Majors of the Seventh Age.

A great warrior and very handy with a blade

if the stories are to be believed.

-You've heard of me?

-GIGGLES

It is the duty of a warrior to know the achievements of her peers.

-Well, I like her.

-Yeah, I told you.

Er, Major, Kiki. Kiki Nova. I...

Oh, don't tell me! Very athletic, full of energy.

Dressed in stretchy fluorescent colours. You must be a dancer, yes?

-Yes, I am.

-A real artist.

Is this award-winning apple any good to anyone?

-You can stay as long as you like!

-Yeah!

-Oh, yes, absolutely.

-Sergeant! What on Earth are you doing?

-Can't shift it.

For heavens' sake! It's as light as a feather.

Now take it to my quarters!

Brilliant.

When I have settled in -

I don't want you to take this the wrong way -

what say we get together we spend just a few minutes

getting this place just a little bit more organised?

Er, actually, Major, that's exactly what we were saying

just before you arrived, Alexia and I.

-What are you doing?

-Curtseying.

-Why?

-I don't know.

Major, we were just telling everyone to tidy the place up.

Were you indeed?

Well, it can be very hard to organise people

if you don't have the authority.

Sergeant, get off the floor! You are a Space Marine, not a doormat!

It's just down here, is it?

Well, if she thinks she can get these guys to organise this all...

-Then she's got another thing coming.

-Er, no, no.

-The phrase is "another think coming".

-Don't be ridiculous.

-It's "another THING coming". Your way doesn't make any sense.

-No!

-YOUR way doesn't make any sense.

-I think you're unbearable!

Don't you mean, "I THING you're unbearable"?

Ladies, gentlemen, beaver-rabbit-mouse-man.

-That's me!

-Gather round.

This summer, I was fortunate enough to be in charge

of a campaign in the Shambolic Galaxy,

the most disorganised star system in the known universe.

Within two hours, I had not only conquered the enemy,

but also alphabetised their DVD collection

-and rearranged their wardrobes by season and colour.

-Oh!

That is absolutely indispensable.

And if an old major like me can do it, then a great bunch like you

-can get this sorted no problem. ALL:

-Yeah!

-She's a major pain in the backside, if you ask me.

-Yeah!

What does she expect?

-That we'll all pull together as a team and get the job done?!

-Huh!

Alphabetical order, if you please!

My name begins with A, so I guess I'm first.

-ROMFORD:

-Oh, really? I though "idiot" was spelt with an I.

Now, I know that my name starts with the letter pip, so I should be 70th.

50th! Er, twelvety-first?

We really are going to do this, are we? Alphabetising ourselves!

Much better. Well done, all. But it doesn't have to stop there.

You can reorganise everything - books, magazines,

prisoners, cornflakes.

Ah! All this organisation has woken something up inside of me.

-Shall I fetch a mop?

-What? No!

I just mean I feel all domestic and organisey.

I feel as if I want to rearrange things and make them more efficient,

which isn't going to be the least help in my game.

Dr Barrenbaum, I don't thin your factory is

running as well as it could.

Yes, I see, well, it is supposed to be a sort of crazy factory,

what with me being an insane villain and all.

I get that, but what if you were to fix it

so that at least some of these conveyor belts

carry the apples into, I don't know,

supply lorries rather than into the boiling lava?

-Then I think this factory could be a bit of a money-spinner.

-Hmmm! I see!

Not all the apples into the lava. I'll make a note!

You're not even looking.

Yeah! Efficiency. Brilliant. I'm going to go and reorganise the dorm.

Well, this seems like a good time to take a well-earned break.

Sergeant Riley, Romford, we must keep our strength up. Tomorrow,

you two are to escort me

and this to the space station Phi Gamma Gamma Phi Phi.

-What's that?

-This is the Navizor device.

-Can I hold that for a moment?

-Very well. But do be careful.

The fate of the galaxy depends on its safe arrival.

I couldn't stand the thought of the mess that would make.

Sergeant Riley! Do you realise what you nearly did?!

-Do you have a naughty step here at all?!

-No, I'm afraid we don't.

We don't really have any steps. It's more a bungalow.

Well, Sergeant Riley, I want you to get some wood,

nails and some tools, make some steps,

assign the least comfortable to be the naughty step

and then sit on it and think about what you nearly did

until further notice. Is that clear?

-But Major...

-Is that clear?

Yes, Major.

-It's unbelievable!

-It's ridiculous how everyone's creeping round her.

We asked them to organise those files and they just look at us

as if we were nothing, but she says it and they just do it!

Ah, Claireparker, Alexia, don't be annoyed they didn't listen to you.

It can take years of shouting at a person before they learn

what's good for them.

It's a lesson that I'm currently teaching Sergeant Riley.

He's really a very good Space Marine.

Hopefully he'll rise to the challenge. As you were.

That woman is driving me mad.

Well, maybe there's a way we can teach Little Miss Perfect a lesson.

I'm doing really well with my organising and rearranging.

I put all my apples in alphabetical order. Look!

Turns out it was a lot simpler than I thought.

So I'm now going to start on your area.

Oh, Rex, I'd really rather you wouldn't.

-The place to begin is under the bed.

-Please!

-Oh, hang on! What have we got here?

-No, no! Don't touch that!

Aethelwynne...have you secretly being drawing a comic book

-starring yourself as an elf superhero?

-No.

And have you made yourself a costume that you can dress up

and prance around in?

-No!

-And have you recorded a CD single of the theme tune?

Yes! All right! Are you happy now?

How long have you been doing this?

Ever since the boy hired the Tremendous Man game

and Tremendous Man himself stayed for the weekend.

REX FARTS

Sorry. I let off.

I'm good at so many things -

fencing, being incredibly handsome, wearing secret tartan. But, oh!

To have the power of flight!

To be able to bend things with your bare hands that aren't

that easy to bends with your bare hands. Oh, Rex, I had a dream!

-And so you came up with...

-Brilliant Elf!

Yes, I invented a superhero, but don't tell anyone, OK?

-How did the theme tune go?

-I'm not telling.

-Riley!

-Fine, yes.

# Brilliant Elf is such a brilliant elf

# Much better than yourself

# He's such a brilliant elf... #

-Catchy(!)

-But don't tell anyone, OK?

-Cross my tail and hope to die.

-So, what exactly goes on in here?

-Well, this is for training.

How on Earth do you train in here?

We've been using it as a bit of an attic lately, so I just tend

to do my exercises between all the old boxes and Steven the Squirrel.

You see, that's the problem with this console - lack of storage.

-I'd say it needs reorganising. Wouldn't you?

-Good thought!

-I'll go get Rex.

-He's busy alphabetising the fridge magnets.

-Why don't you two do it?

-Us two?

-Yes! Shouldn't take too long.

Kiki and I don't really hang out together.

We're not what you'd call BFFs.

-We're acquaintances.

-Workmates. Colleagues.

We're not exactly homies, if you catch my drift.

-Mos def.

-All the more reason for you two to do it together.

This place should run like a well-oiled machine.

-All the cogs must work together.

-Oh, did someone mention cogs?

-Happy days.

-Stay out of this, big track!

-How charming.

Don't leave this room until you two have found something in common.

-Yes, Major Nomad.

-Excellent.

So!

-You dance, right?

-Yeah.

Right. That's the naughty step finished.

Ooh.

What are you doing sitting there

while the Sentient Force instruction manuals are in a mess?! Hello.

-All right!

-I'll get on it right away, Major.

So, Major, what exactly is the Navizor device?

-Oh, the Navizor...

-Be quiet, Sergeant!

Speak when you are spoken to!

This is the most advanced tool

we have against the cloned robot forces, my hairy friend.

It is a satellite guidance system

and will seek out the cloned alien robots.

-And in an emergency situation...

-Be quiet, Sergeant!

And in an emergency situation,

it will plot the quickest route to safety and get you out of danger.

-Wow! That sounds amazing.

-It's also running out of battery.

I'll put it on to charge.

There you go, Major. I've nearly finished with the manuals.

No mess!

-Sergeant Riley! You nearly destroyed the Navizor again!

-But Major...

-I am demoting you to Private.

-No!

-Romford!

-Yes, Major?

You are now in charge of Private Riley and the rest of the troops

and the safe delivery of me and the Navizor to Phi Gamma Gamma Phi Phi.

-Oh, I can't do that!

-She's a superior officer.

There's nothing you can do, mate. I mean, sir.

Major, you can rely on me. If I had arms, I would probably salute you.

I'll see you both at 1800 hours tomorrow.

Rex, leave the Navizor to charge up. We will need it for the mission.

-Ballet?

-No!

-Paso doble?

-No!

-Macarena?

-No!

-Hokey cokey?

Kiki, when I said I didn't do any dancing,

that's literally what I meant!

-Unless it involves a maypole.

-Right, yeah.

-Or the electric boogaloo.

-Uh!

My turn!

-Have you ever evaded orcs in the Lost Forest of Minthran?

-No.

-Or parried with a dark lord on the battlements of Tyru Castle?

-No.

-Or cured a dragon of constipation?

-No.

I don't recommend doing that.

Oh, this isn't going very well, is it?

At least we agree about something.

The coast is clear.

Oh, let's have a look at this thing. Is it so important to her?

It says it's a Navizor Guidance System.

Just trying to figure out how it works.

-Well, you've put a light on.

-Is that good?

-Give it here.

If we take this out, it's just a power chip, isn't it?

It's a guidance system, so she'll just get lost for a couple of hours.

Hmm! It'll teach Major Know-It-All a thing or two.

She can't be right all the time.

'This is The Console.

'Would Major Nomad, Sergeant Romford

'and Private Riley please report to the transporter?'

Excellent. How does it feel to be in charge, Romford?

I'm a bit worried about the troops.

Do they bring a packed lunch, or do we have to supply one?

-Ahem. Where's Private Riley?

-Oh, he really is a good lad, you know.

He's very brave and he's very loyal

and he's...very much in his dressing gown.

Private Riley! Where's your uniform?!

-You can't go into battle dressed like that.

-Yeah, I know. I'm not going!

-What, chief?

-Major Nomad's right.

I'd only muck something up or smash the Navizor device or something.

-You two go alone. Romford'll get you there.

-Riley!

This is just what I'd expect from a private.

Deep down, he's a coward, not fit for service.

'This is The Console.

-'Special escort...'

-Pass me the Navizor device.

No! I'll get it myself.

It's safer.

-Aren't you going to wish us luck, Riley?

-Good luck, you two!

Good luck.

-They've gone, have they?

-Yeah.

Shouldn't you be with them?

-Oh, they've taken the Navizor device.

-Yeah.

-They'd be in serious trouble without that.

-How serious?

Deadly serious.

Um, Alexia, shall we go and see

the QM about that thing I think we're both thinking about?

Hi. It's so nice to see you two not at each other's throats.

-So, how'd you get on with those folders?

-Oh, fine, fine.

That's all done. Um, we have something we wanted to ask you.

Fire away. Hope you don't mind - doing a bit of packing.

-I've got a cheat code conference to go to.

-Oh, no, you crack on.

Right, in case of rain.

-You know Major Nomad has been staying with us?

-Yes.

The indomitable Major Nomad. I bet she's got the place spic and span.

Oh, yes. Definitely.

Better take this meter rule in case I have a measuring emergency.

It's just that, um, and this was definitely an accident,

you understand, um we, may have...

Um...

Er, we may have sabotaged the Navizor device.

What?!

We just got a bit jealous of everyone listening to her,

so we took the power chip.

Oh, no. This is a disaster.

-It's that bad?

-That bad?

The Navizor device is crucial to Sentient Force!

To change the device is to mess with the very programming itself!

-OK, this doesn't sound ideal.

-The game could start going haywire!

-Anything could happen. Those two could be in serious trouble.

-Oh.

-Oh, right, this is definitely bad?

-So how do we fix it?

You've got to get the chip back into the Navizor device.

-If only Tremendous Man were here.

-Oh, he is tremendous!

-He'd sort it out.

Anyway, if you excuse me, I've got to carry on packing. Old fishing rod.

Lovely. I'll need this, in case I meet any witches.

You're not going to believe this. I haven't been packing at all!

The bag's got no bottom in it and there's a hole in the desk!

Oh!

What a chump!

Yeah, you're still in trouble.

Romford! Enemy ships are closing in. Have you got a plan?

-Yeah, I have definitely got a plan.

-Oh, good.

I'm going to put a little green flag in all the vegetarian sandwiches.

-What about getting to the space station?

-One thing at a time!

I've got to sort out the catering first.

'You guys are way off course.

'The enemy is forming an attack pattern.

'Your shields will be vaporised in ten minutes!'

The mini quiches won't be ready for quarter of an hour!

Oh, I've got me timings all wrong.

Romford, I'm relieving you of your duties.

But what about me sausage rolls?

The fate of the galaxy is in out hands!

Luckily, the Navizor can plot a safe course.

MACHINE BEEPS

-MACHINE DRONES OUT

-What's wrong?

The Navizor... It's been sabotaged! The power chip has been taken!

-Then that means...

-It means that we're in big trouble.

Very big trouble.

No, no, no! I give up! We have nothing in common.

-We'll just have to accept it.

-Yeah, I suppose.

It just seems a shame, that's all.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be.

-Hang on, what's that?

-Oh!

-No, please don't look at that.

-You've drawn yourself as a superhero.

-Please don't tell anyone.

-Oh, no, I wouldn't.

-Brilliant Elf knows how to keep a secret!

-No, you haven't!

-Yes!

-I've been drawing it since...

-BOTH:

-Tremendous Man was here!

So, Super Kiki, what does she do?

Er, well, she can dance through walls and she's got shoes of invisibility.

-Does she have a costume?

-Does she?!

Ooh! Oh...

-Oh, wow!

-Yeah.

-Yeah! Wow! Oh.

-Yeah.

-Is Riley in here?

-No. No.

-What's that behind your back?

-Nothing.

I think he was moping in the boys' dorm. He was pretty down on himself.

-Why do you want him anyway?

-Listen, can we tell you a secret?

It's about this.

-Who made this thing? Oh, yeah! I did!

-Riley? Riley!

-We need you, Riley.

-No, you don't. I'm just a messer-upper.

Major Nomad's my hero,

but she's just shouted at me from the very beginning.

-She knew a failure when she saw one.

-No! No, no!

She was shouting at you to get the best out of you!

You're a Space Marine! And you need to go into your game right now!

No, I can't! I just mess things up.

Riley, we've done a bad thing and only you can sort it out.

Do you know what this is? It's a vital part of the Navizor device.

And without it, Major Nomad and Romford are doomed!

-So you need to get out there and save the day as normal.

-No.

-What?

-What?!

-No, I can't. I just make things worse.

-But they need you!

No, they don't. They need someone like Tremendous Man, someone heroic.

Aethelwynne, I've got an idea! Huddle!

Er, Riley, I don't know if you've heard,

but an upgrade has arrived for you.

-An upgrade?

-Er, yes, yes, a super upgrade.

-A super upgrade.

Yeah, and it makes you really brave and invincible, just like...

-BOTH:

-Tremendous Man!

-Really(?)

Yeah, and you get to wear this costume and you become Ultra Riley.

-Where did you get that costume?

-Don't ask.

-Ultra Riley?

-Are you sure?

-Definitely.

-And do you know what is sure to impress Major Nomad?

-Ultra Riley!

Give me that!

-Are you sure I don't look ridiculous?

-ALL: No!

-You look amazing! Now get out there and save the day!

-Yes, ma'am!

-Go on, Riley!

-God speed!

He does look ridiculous, doesn't he?

Better take the thing.

Well, it looks like this is it! We're too far off course.

The shields won't hold any longer. It's game over for us.

I can't help think things would have been different if Riley was here.

Riley!

-That's Ultra Riley to you!

-That outfit! A stroke of genius!

The cloned alien robots are looking for a Space Marine,

not an idiot in a giant babygro. You slipped right past them!

No, Major, this is the official Sentient Force upgrade to

Ultra Riley! Now, where's that Navizor Device?

-It's useless, Riley! It's broken!

-Ah, broken, is it?

They're about to attack!

On the bright side, the mini kievs will be ready by now.

We're doomed!

Not on my watch!

Now, let's get this transport back on track.

You're not in a position to give orders!

Yeah, you're right. Sorry.

Until I promote you, Sergeant Riley.

I always knew you could do it.

You rose to the challenge. I'm proud to know you, Space Marine.

Yes, ma'am!

Now, hold tight.

These are all last year's files, so come on, let's get stuck in.

-Oh, all right! Come on, everyone.

-OK! Five minutes!

So, I know the whole superhero thing came out,

but at least they don't know about the theme tune.

You didn't tell anyone about the theme tune, did you?

-I would be mortified.

-Not a soul!

Can someone help me lift this heavy box?

Sounds like a job for...

# ALL SING: Brilliant Elf He's such a Brilliant Elf. #

Yeah, I might have told them.

# Brilliant Elf!

# He's such a Brilliant Elf! #

# Life's so great in a console space Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game Living in a game... #

'This is The Console. Please go to the CBBC website

'where the Pixelface games can now be played.'