The Ugly Truth Pixelface

'This is The Console. Pixelface games loading.'

# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game

# We're playing with the same old friends

# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in a game

# Living in a game Living in a game. #

Kiki, Claireparker, which earrings are better?

Well, I'm not really...

Chop, chop!

I'm not saying anything.

When I said that thing about the shoes, she threw the kettle.

Oh, come on, it's not that difficult.

I like the right ones.

Do you mean the ones in my right hand or your right?

Or your right hand as I'm looking at you? Or the correct ones?

-Yeah, definitely.

-And I like the ones on the left.

I have to choose the right outfit for the Ambassador's party,

it's one of the highlight cut scenes of my game.

You would love a good story scene.

And it'll be such a pleasure to not have to be here,

even though the guests will be badly animated

and the nibbles will taste of nothing but pixels.

Now, as it is a bit of a special day for me,

I think I should be in charge.

All those who agree protest now.

THEY PROTEST

Oh, well done, people, you've made such a great choice.

Now, my first rule is none of you are to touch any of my things

and I'll spend the rest of the day in the bathroom.

Laters, peasants.

# Rex is going to get himself all cleaned and tidy

# Do, do, do, do, do

# Rexy takes a bath almost every Friday

# Do, do, do, do, do

# Rex is going to clean all his hands and his knees #

Ow!

# Do, do, do, do, do

# And try to get rid of the majority of fleas

# Do, do, do, do do, do, do, do, do, do, do... #

AHH!

Rex, you're not naked.

I could've been naked.

You're covered in an incredibly thick layer of malodorous fur.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, get out, I'm using the bathroom now.

But...

But I'm in the bathroom!

It doesn't matter, I've got an ambassador to impress.

Oh, an ambassador?

Wait, so it's, well, it's sort of...

..a date?

Why are you so interested, Rex?

I now pronounce you woman and rat-wallaby-peculiar-mouse-thing.

You may kiss the bride.

-Rex!

-What? I wasn't thinking anything!

Look, just grab your stuff and get out of here!

All right.

Can I at least dry my fur first?

Well, just be quick!

ALEXIA SCREAMS

There's nothing to drop! There's nothing to drop!

I'm shocked too!

Ow!

ALEXIA SCREAMS

REX TURNS OFF THE HAIRDRYER

Look at me!

Covered in filthy hair!

Oh, it's disgusting! Get out!

What was that noise?

Um...

That was Alexia commenting on my grooming regime.

I'm going to stay out of her way.

I'll be in the training room if anyone needs me.

Look at this dress, isn't that absolutely gorgeous?

What? Just cos I'm a battle hardened space marine doesn't mean I can't

take a passing interest in fashion.

THE DRESS RIPS

Oh, this is bad.

FOOTSTEPS

What was that? I heard something!

Like a fabric-based cry for help.

What happened? I know something happened!

I'm sorry! It was an accident.

An accident? You are an accident.

A great, clumsy, galumphing pile of pixels. You ruined it!

It's only a little rip, I can fix it. I'll make it better.

It'll be ready for your party, I promise.

It had better be, or space marine or no space marine

I'll make you wish you'd never been programmed!

I thought you said she was in a bad mood.

How does she do that?

So, she's gone back to the bathroom,

we should have a bit of peace.

< AETHELWYNNE!

Knock, knock. You screamed, madam.

Ha, ha, ha, very funny, old boy. I need to borrow your straighteners.

Ha! Straighteners! Oh, ho, ho!

Why would I, a manly man, have hair straighteners?

Pull that other Pixelface,

you'll be telling me next you haven't got curlers.

What happened to your hair straighteners, anyway?

We had an argument.

Well, yes, they're in my beauty box... My toolbox!

Well, actually, if we're going to go into your beauty box,

can I borrow a few other things?

Help yourself.

There's not much in there, anyway.

See, barely worth mentioning. Help yourself.

Pilfered most of it from the game.

Just pull the lever when you're done.

Ow!

Argh!

Ow!

Have you done sewing before?

-Looks more like acupuncture than needlework.

-Shh, please!

To get this dress repaired I need to concentrate.

'This is the console, Sentient Force now loading.

'Would Sergeant Riley and Romford please enter the game.'

You're not taking your sewing into the intergalactic space battle.

Of course, got to get it finished, haven't I?

'This is the console. Delivery in the quartermaster's stores.'

-Delivery? Is anyone expecting anything?

-Not me.

-Nor me.

Well, have we the ability to order things?

-No.

-No.

Shall we go and see what it is?

QM, are you here?

Oh, he's left a note.

"Have gone away for the weekend.

"Please, please, please, please don't touch anything,

"especially deliveries.

"You'll only end up in some sort of pickle. Love and hugs, QM."

Shouldn't read other people's mail.

You're absolutely right!

Everyone forget what was in that note.

To take our mind off it perhaps we can look at this delivery.

Mmm, good idea!

Wow. This is for Mega Gino.

Mega who, now?

Mega Gino.

Only the greatest computer game character in the whole of existence.

The strongest, the fastest,

the most heroic,

the most moustachioed.

And I'm his number one fan!

Must've been sent here by mistake.

I'm not intrigued as to what's inside this enticing parcel at all.

-Definitely shouldn't open it or anything.

-No.

Oh, no, look!

The packaging's ripped.

Well, I suggest we take off all this tatty old packaging

-and wrap it up again all neat and lovely.

-Yes.

Well, let's unwrap this baby.

Wow!

At last!

Oh, tut.

"Inner beauty cream,

"makes your inner beauty shine through.

"Let the world see how you really are.

"Apply liberally and leave for two hours."

Hmm, wow, this stuff sounds great!

Boss, I really think you ought to try and concentrate

on this enormous space battle.

Go and have a look up top, Romford, see what's going on.

Got to get this hem finished.

EXPLOSION

Now, what's happening is

thousands of enemy clone robots are,

even as we speak, hurtling through the spaceport

with express intent of vaporising the pair of us.

Don't worry, I've got it covered.

How can you possibly have it covered?

What I've done is a blanket stitch, you see that?

You can hardly see the repair.

Oh, well I must say, you've done a blinding job there.

GUNFIRE

I mean, it might be a little bit revealing.

I'm relaxed for the first time today.

Now the cream needs to work for two hours.

Might as well take a nap.

What is it?

It's a power star.

It's what gives Mega Gino his mega jump power.

Apparently they're delicious, they taste of anything you want them to.

It does smell amazing!

Ooh, like strawberries.

Hot buttered toast.

Boiled pig face and stinkberry.

Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have one little bite.

It's amazing.

Mmm, gorgeous!

And it's totally worth the pain, you should try it!

ALARM RINGS

ALEXIA GROANS

ALEXIA SCREAMS

Romford! Romford, where are you?

We need more material.

I got you some webbing from a cargo ship.

It wasn't a cargo ship full of ballgowns was it?

This is a subterranean space port peddling plasma gammets

to the scum of the universe, what do you think?

Well, even robot clones need to look snazzy now and again.

No, there weren't any dresses.

Right, I've got some webbing, a bit of camouflage

and a big bit of trousers.

Is that enough to make a dress?

Well, they'll have to be, there's nothing else around.

Right, I must have total peace and quiet.

LOUD EXPLOSION

Oi!

Will you keep the noise down? I'm trying to thread a needle, here.

I mean, you can barely tell we had a bit, can you?

No, not a mark on it.

Not a delicious mark on it.

-We could probably have another bit, couldn't we?

-The tiniest little bit.

-Mmm.

-Mmm.

Mango and coconut smoothie.

Chocolate brownie.

Guff juice soup, dog tongue fritters!

ANIMAL NOISES

CRASH

MONSTER!

THEY SCREAM

Stand back, vile beast!

Oh, that's right, try and enrage it.

ALEXIA SCREAMS

All right, gang, how's it going?

Oh, hello hairy.

I'm Rex, lovely to meet you.

Stay away, Rex! It's dangerous!

Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't think so.

Us animals have got a very keen sense of danger, you know,

who's nice and who isn't and, well, this hairy girl...

-Girl?

-Oh, yeah, definitely a girl.

I'd say she's not dangerous in the least.

A little bit sad, maybe.

What's wrong, girl?

I don't trust it.

It may have eaten Alexia already. Where is she?

Oh, no, no, no, no, you wouldn't eat one of us, would you?

I say lock her up in the training room until be QM gets back.

We don't even know where it's from.

Lock her up? But she could be our friend.

Yeah, the sort of friend that tries to eat your head.

We're not looking her up in there alone. I'm going with her.

Come on.

That's one problem sorted.

Don't know about you but it's got me a little peckish.

Ha, ha! That's great fun!

No? You don't want a go?

He, he, he.

Oh, it's great, you should try it!

Oh, what, you want me to read the rules?

Well, if you ask me there are too many rules.

I mean, if Alexia or Aethelwynne were here

they'd make us play by the rules of

Dr-Buzz-tweezers-pull-bones-man-red- nose-buzz-buzz but they're not.

And I say we should do what's fun.

And I say this...

..that's fun!

ALEXIA LAUGHS

Yeah! See? It's good, isn't it?

Good grief!

It's like the hairy hall in the unnatural history museum in here.

Still can't find Alexia anywhere.

Yeah, well, she's not in here.

-Are you sure that revolting creature hasn't eaten her?

-Yes, I'm sure!

Probably sloped off to do her curtsying. Just looking for her

because she may have used something of mine that she shouldn't have.

What's that?

This. I stole it from a witch in the Forest of Delkelly.

It shows you what you're like on the inside on the outside.

Considering the mood she was in it could have some pretty

ugly results.

ALEXIA GROANS

Yeah, I suppose so.

Insufferable all day. Bossy, rude, arrogant.

Well she's not that bad.

Oh, come on, Rex, I heard the way she spoke to you.

Very difficult to like sometimes.

We're better off without her tonight.

I don't know.

Well, I do.

Listen, he's wrong about Alexia, you know.

She's just lovely.

She's probably just all tense

and knotted up about her big party tonight.

Maybe you'll get to meet her when she comes back!

Oh, no, you'll love Alexia, you'll just love her.

Ah! Water on the knee.

THEY LAUGH

I mean, you still can't really tell, can you?

No.

Only if you're really looking.

So, maybe just one more little bite?

Vanilla fudge.

Butterscotch.

Ork scratchings in a cockroach sauce.

Aloha, everybody!

-Sorry, did I make you jump?

-No, of course not.

Having a good weekend away, QM?

Wonderful, thank you.

Thank you, Bevis.

I shall see you by the pinata. Don't forget your lucky stick!

There was one small thing.

It seems we had a delivery by mistake.

I need you to go to the stores, grab the package

and send it to Mega Gino, is that clear?

No problem at all.

And whatever you do, don't touch it!

Of course not!

What would we want with a delicious mega jump star?

What?

QM, don't you worry. Enjoy your break. We'll send it off for you.

Bevis, put that down! Look, I've got to go now.

Do you think you can tell?

Well maybe just one more little bite.

Just to even it off.

Good idea.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh, you don't mind if I do my grooming?

I got interrupted earlier by Alexia.

She wanted to do herself up for the party.

I don't know why, she looked beautiful.

You all right?

Oh, oh, dear, looks like you could do with some grooming yourself.

Yeah, yeah, long all over hair is very hard to keep tidy, isn't it?

Well, you can use one of my brushes if you like.

There you go.

SHE SQUEALS

Oh, hang on, hang on, you mustn't be so rough.

Listen...

Well, do you...

Do you want me to do it?

Oh, oh, no, well, this is just a disaster!

All I need is just a stupid square of material.

-You might just have to admit defeat on this one.

-Never.

A space marine in a sentient war has never admitted defeat.

What? What have you seen?

Now that is perfect.

THEY YELL

That was the last of the star.

What are we going to do now? We're in big trouble!

Don't panic, don't panic!

We'll make a new one. How hard can it be?

-Make a new one?

-Yes, why not?

All we have to do is think of all the flavours in the star,

mix it together, bake it and send it off.

Piece of cake,

literally.

I can't see anything going wrong with that plan.

Can one of you get me out of here?

There, all done.

Have a look.

You don't want to see?

But you...

You look lovely.

Of course! The enemy flag.

-It's perfect!

-Oh, no, you're not serious!

Of course I'm serious, Romford. Romford, play some inspiring music.

There's a certain lady out there who is relying on me to get her a dress.

I promised her I'd have that dress ready

and I intend to keep that promise.

No matter what the cost.

But you'll have to run across ground swarming with lethal clone robots

and single-handedly scale the enemy mothership.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

Oh, the boy's mad.

Romford...

..Wish me luck!

So, there were definitely marshmallows.

And butterscotch sauce.

And cat brains.

THE MIXTURE BUBBLES

Is that a good sign, do you think?

I should never have let him go, here's just a boy,

a stupid, impetuous, brave, brave, hero of a boy.

Maybe I've lost him, maybe he's gone forever.

I'm back, you all right?

Yeah, didn't even notice you'd gone.

-Did you get the flag?

-Did I get the flag?

Who's the best space marine in the Sentient Force?

Er, it's Alan.

He is good, actually, isn't he, Alan?

Yeah, he's very good.

'This is the console, Sentient Force session complete.

'Sergeant Riley and Romford released.'

Hello, boys, good game?

Survived an intergalactic skirmish and...

..finished my seams off beautifully.

Oh, and they say boys can't multitask.

-TIMER BEEPS

-Oh! Here we go,

one home-made power star coming up.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

It is pretty good. But does it work?

I don't know.

Well, only one way to find out.

Before we send this off to Mega Gino,

we need to taste it and see if it gives us mega jump power.

-I'm not even going to ask.

-OK, everyone, just the tiniest bit.

-Mmm, tastes pretty good.

-But does it have mega jump power?

FARTING NOISES

Oh, my cogs, that smells like my Uncle Frank.

-Really?

-Yeah, he's a dog mess bin.

Well, no mega jump power but plenty of mega TRUMP power.

Will that do, do you think?

Well, maybe we should go and see what the others are up to, eh?

You want to stay in here?

But why?

I don't understand, we only met two hours ago.

"You're the sweetest rodent thing I've ever known

"and I am sorry for everything."

I don't understand.

"I think you will soon."

Alexia! What?

But, but, but, the yeti!

And you.

The same. I don't get it.

Oh, no!

You were the yeti all along?

I think, I think, yes.

Yes!

But, but... But all those things I said about you to the yeti,

I mean to you.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no! What an idiot!

Calm down, yeah.

I don't remember anything.

Nothing.

Just one big blur.

Really?

Cross my heart.

Oh, well, listen, you'd better hurry up,

it's probably time for your party.

Oh, gosh, I'd completely forgotten.

Maybe we have time for one last game

of Dr-buzz-tweezers-pull-bones-red- nose-buzz-buzz game before I go.

I haven't missed anything, have I?

-Alexia, shouldn't you be heading off to your party?

-Yes, absolutely.

-You going like that?

-Well, I don't have that much of a choice, really.

Oh, Alexia, I finished your dress.

Oh, thank you, Riley.

Oh,

this is...

This is...

-..absolutely...

-Yes?

..gorgeous!

Oh, I've never... seen anything like it!

Thank you, Riley.

Don't take this the wrong way but you look awful.

I know.

But, you know what, it doesn't matter.

'This is the console. Alexia, please come to the transporter.

'The ambassador's party is about to begin.'

Right, well, here we go.

Have a good time.

I'm sure we will.

-We?

-Yes.

Fancy going to the ball?

Oh, I'd love to!

-Not too close, you smell like a bin.

-Thank you very much.

Finally, we can relax.

Have you seen the paper?

Get this,

"Mega Gino has been causing a mega stink in the gaming world

"with some world-class guffs.

"The videogame star claims he has been sabotaged

"and has sworn revenge on whoever is responsible."

FARTING NOISES

That star's really repeating on me.

# Life's so great in a console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a pixel face

# Living in a game

-# Living in a game... #

-'This is the console,

'please go to the CBBC website,

'where the Pixelface games can now be played.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd