Roy Pulls a Face ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in,

'but it's very hard to stay out of trouble when you're a cartoon.'

ROY!

ROY!

ROY!

It's Sunday and Roy's grandparents have arrived for dinner.

Ma, that meat looks a bit manky.

Becky's gone vegetarian so I'm trying something new - nut loaf.

Here, now I've heard everything and now a vampire vegetarian.

Meat is murder!

-Your head is murder.

-Roy!

Will you show your sister a bit of support?

Sure, she'll only be a vegetarian for a few days.

At most. She'll be munching chops by the end of the week.

That looks lovely, Maura.

Come on, Ma.

Let the freak eat squirrel food, if she wants.

Can we have some sausages instead?

-Why did you do that thing with the salt?

-Spilt salt brings bad luck.

If you throw some over your right shoulder, that cancels it out.

There must have been a salt truck turned over when she was born.

You're a pig, Roy.

Grand. You can't touch me because you're a vegetarian.

There's nothing wrong with vegetables, Roy.

They put hairs on your chest.

Ugh! Who wants hairs on their chest.

Just an old wives' tale, Roy.

Why become a vegetarian?

Well, if you've had your head under a rock for the last 20 years,

and don't know why, I'll tell you a few good reasons.

It's the healthier option, it's good for you,

your digestion and also provides a high fibre diet.

You know, keeps you regular.

You can really taste the, um...

..nut.

Me Becky. Me eat rabbit food.

Stop it, now, Roy.

The wind'll change and you'll be left like that.

Oh, Rose. You're filling his head with nonsense.

Nonsense, is it? You're far more superstitious than me.

I am and me hat! I'm a man of science, I am.

Science?! Sitting in front of the telly watching documentaries.

Is that what you mean?

What's that supposed to mean?

DOOR THUDS

WIND HOWLS

My face! It's...

my face. Ma, there's something mad going on with my face.

It's stuck!

Roy, I've had enough of your messing for today. Snap out of it now.

I can't move my face.

Roy, stop acting the eejit and eat your dinner, will you?

Da, I'm telling you, it's really stuck.

It's been ages now. my face is still stuck.

This is stressing me out loads.

I should have stayed in bed.

Oh, no! The school photo!

Nah, it's OK. I'll be fine before then.

A beautiful friendship.

Something in my eye.

Don't worry.

Have a good night's sleep, Roy.

You'll be right as rain in the morning.

I flipping well hope so.

Aah!

Seagull. Perfect shot.

That's supposed to be lucky, you know.

Just get in the car, woman.

Oh, this is mad. What if I don't get better by the morning?

What if I never get better?

'The next day.'

NO-O-O-O!

That'll be Roy up then.

Worse!

It's not that bad, love. It actually looks a lot better than last night.

Deffo!

Here, get that inside you.

Roy, your ma's right. It's not half as bad as you think it is.

At least it's not nut roast.

I can make you lose the grin.

Ow!

Roy, eat your breakfast.

Ma, please. I can't go to school like this.

They'll think I'm a freak. Listen, I can't even speak proper.

You're not missing school, Roy, and that's it.

No-one's going to make a big deal of it, love.

Of course not. It's barely noticeable.

Come on, Ma. Please take me to Dr Rasheed.

The class photo's tomorrow morning. I don't want to look like a spanner.

It's going to be up on the wall in the hall and everything.

People will be laughing at me for years.

I just want to fit in with the rest of the lads.

Come on, Ma, please!

I'll take you to Dr Rasheed's tonight if it's still not right.

Ah, Ma, have a heart, will you? Please can we go now instead?

What if it takes ages to fix?

School! Now!

Huh! Flipping face!

Roy.

All right, lads. That's it. I've had enough.

That's one heck of a winning grin you've got there, Roy.

How did it happen?

Well, the wind changed and it got stuck.

Yeah, right. That old superstition.

Ah, you sound like my granddad.

Who knows? Maybe the wind did change it like that.

What has you in such a good mood, freak boy Roy?

BELL RINGS

OK, class. Take your seats.

Cathy, Jack, Tommy, Connor, Sinead, come along.

Give us a smile, O'Brien.

Don't you have a broom to catch?

Hey, Roy, you look like a painting - a Picassa.

It's Picasso! Idiot!

Whatever.

Aw, nut loaf!

That looks like it came out of the wrong end of a cow.

Tastes like it too.

You deserve a medal after eating something like this.

What am I going to do? I can't go into the photo like this.

Sure, it's not that bad, Roy.

You could have a face like Hammo. Things can always be worse.

Yup.

I'd do anything to get my old face back, lads.

And all the smiling is starting to hurt a lot.

I've an idea, lads.

If the wind did change his face, maybe it can change it back.

Hold on!

I think he wants us to stop.

All right, pipe down, you lot.

I want you to form three orderly lines here.

Straight lines and no talking, all right?

Is that straight?

Ones, twos, threes.

OK. The object of this game...

Freak boy.

..is to score as many goals as possible.

So you think that's funny, Mr O'Brien? Do you?

It wasn't me, sir. It was Cathy.

So why are you grinning like a Cheshire cat?

It's my face, sir. I have a note from my Ma.

'To whom it may concern,

'please excuse Roy as his face is temporarily stuck.'

Very funny, Mr O'Brien.

Well, you can take your comedy act and your badly-forged note

to Mr Hammond and see if he finds it as funny as I do. Go on.

All right, class. Put the balls on the ground. Here we go.

Sit, O'Brien.

Here you are in my office yet again.

Let me see this "note" then.

I'll soon wipe that smile off your face, O'Brien.

Oh, I'd really love that, sir.

Right!

Every piece, O'Brien. EVERY piece.

Oh, Mrs O'Brien. Derek Hammond, Ballyfermot School.

I'm afraid I'm phoning yet again

in relation to Roy's behaviour at school.

Indeed.

I'm afraid, not only was he disrupting his class this morning,

but far more seriously, he forged a note with your name on it.

Now, as you know, in this school...

I beg your pardon.

No, no, no. There's no need to come in to school

to sort this out, Mrs O'Brien.

I'm truly sorry for suggesting

your handwriting was that of a ten-year-old's.

Goodbye.

It appears his visage has actually frozen.

Yeah. It looks like that.

I don't know if my first aid qualifies me to deal with this.

Hello, I'm still here.

-I'm sorry, Roy. Do you mind if I...

-Oh, yeah. Work away.

It might be contagious or... Why don't you just send me home?

Nonsense, Roy. This is purely cosmetic.

But, sir, I'm not wearing make-up. Honestly, it's really stuck.

Here goes.

There you go, Roy. Perfect.

There, there, Roy. No need for that.

Keep a stiff upper lip.

The picture's going to be up on the wall

with everyone looking at me.

I'll be stuck like this forever - a freak!

Fine. I'm writing you a note.

Why didn't you look where you where going?

I'm sorry, but it was an accident.

Then why are you still smiling?

I'll give you something to laugh about.

Come here!

Ma!

Come here. I have a head on me like a disaster movie.

How come you're home from school so early?

See! I told you, Ma.

You have to bring me to the doctor and get my head fixed.

It's gone beyond a joke now.

The school photo's tomorrow. And Hammo says I have to be in it.

I just want to be normal and fit in with the rest of the lads.

I'm going to look like a Muppet.

All right. Calm down. We'll go now.

I'll ring Granddad to pick us up.

'The family are on their mercy mission,

'but is something wrong with Granddad's exhaust?

Frrrt!

What a smell!

Do something about that.

I'll roll the window down.

I've got awful indigestion since last Sunday. Sorry, folks.

Wind the window down and see if the wind changes.

It might sort Roy before we get to the doctor's.

There's enough wind coming out of you to do us fine.

You've changed your tune.

You refused to even walk under a ladder at the shops this morning.

That's pure common sense. I didn't want anything to fall on me, woman.

It's not like I was reading tea-leaves.

You drive me flipping mad.

And I love you to.

Frrrt!

So? Is there anything you can give him, doctor?

To be honest, it's the first time I've seen anything like this.

-Again!

-Right.

I mean, I could give Roy something to relax his muscles, but...

I'd rather not, just in case.

In case of what?

You know, he's rather unique and we don't know how he'd react.

-I think it's best if Roy just waits this one out.

-OK.

Do you know, I think the whole frozen face thing,

the stress and anxiety of that is probably what's exacerbating it.

So he just needs to take it easy for a while, yeah?

Yeah. You'd be amazed. A warm bath can do wonders.

Right, why don't you try just not thinking about it for a while?

Are you serious?!

Roy!

Please, doctor. I have a school photo tomorrow

and I can't go in looking like this.

Can you just give me them tablets to fix it?

OK, Maura.

I want you to use these as a last resort. OK?

Only if the bath and taking it easy fails to work.

Thanks, doctor. You're very good.

Thanks a million, Dr Rasheed(!)

Relax, relax.

What kind of advice is that?

-Car, Roy.

-No. Ma.

-Car, Roy.

-No, Ma.

-Car, Roy. Now!

-OK.

Please, Ma, can I have them tablets?

Relax, love. Just don't be thinking of your face.

How can I not think about my face

when you're telling me not to think about it?

Now I'm thinking about my face.

Why not read some comics or play some computer games?

-Please, please, tablets?

-Enough, Roy.

What about that idea of a nice warm bath?

Aw, tablets!

-Bath, Roy.

-Tablets.

-Bath, Roy.

-Please.

-Bath, Roy.

-Tablets.

-Now!

-OK.

HE HUMS

Ma? Can I get out now?

It's been an hour now and my face is still stupid.

My skin's going all wrinkly!

And I'm going numb sitting in here.

OK. Come down, so.

Ma, I think I'm a bit water-logged.

I look like one of them pugs.

You're nearly there love. Just another minute or two, yeah?

Ma, please, the photo's in the morning.

And I'll do the washing-up for a year.

I'm putting on the dinner and if you're still not right after dinner,

you can take the pills then, yeah?

What's for dinner? I'm starved.

Uh, the rest of the nut loaf, love.

-Ugh.

-Yeah, I know, love.

I'll make you an apple tart for after.

Aww!

-You look much better.

-Really?

-No.

Becky, go down to the shops and get some sugar.

I'm making an apple tart.

I can't, Ma. I've got my piano lesson in ten minutes.

Roy, you'll have to go up, so, love.

Come on, Becs.

It'll only take a minute to walk up the road.

I don't want to go out until my face is fixed.

No can do, smiley. Sorry.

Roy?

-So, you are going to the shops for me?

-No.

We can't have you looking like that. Come here and I'll help you.

There. That's much better.

Really? You're not messing?

It's not perfect, but it makes you look almost normal.

Sorry I was laughing at you earlier, but it was pretty funny.

-Thanks, Becs.

-No bother, bro.

HE HUMS

What a cute baby. Yeah!

Hello! Hello!

BABY CRIES

Shh. Stop crying.

Hello-o-o!

Aaaargh!

What?

Rebecca is so dead!

Oh!

What? I was just trying to help.

Ma, this is definitely the last of the nut roast, isn't it?

-(Hope so.)

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, Roy, how was school?

Maura, would you not just give him the pills?

He has his photograph in the morning.

Fine. Fine.

But you've got to finish everything on your plate first.

Eugh! Say it, don't spray it!

Gross!

He really must want those pills!

-Huh?

-Stop!

This is a huge disaster.

Look at me.

I took them tablets an hour ago and nothing.

I don't know what to do now.

Ma's still going to send me to school, no matter what.

Hammond says I have to be in that class photo.

Looking like a clown!

I've tried doctors, hair dryers,

hot baths, everything!

Aargh! And I'm still stuck like this!

Oh, I just want to be normal,

fit in like the rest of them.

And just as I fit in, I have to go and turn into a clown.

< Roy, Granny and Grandad are here.

In a minute, Ma. I'm doing me diary thing.

So, anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Ah, hold on.

Er, what's going on?!

Er! Oh! O-o-o-o-oh!

CRASH!

< Stop shouting, Roy, and come down.

I can't move!

I'm stuck! (CRYING)

We know, love. Hurry up and come down, the film is starting.

Ah, I'm gone like a rubber.

I can't move!

Roy!

(CRYING)

It's all right, love. It must be the pills starting to work.

We'll carry him downstairs.

-Yeah.

-You grab the other way, love.

Keep your head on.

Now. There we go, son. There's a good lad.

Is me face any better?

Oh, yeah. Much better, love.

-Yeah.

-I reckon if your arms and your legs are going loose,

your head will be next, eh?

Good lad. Let's go and watch the film. There's biscuits.

Oh, thanks, love.

Lovely, thanks. Mm.

What's happened to your shirt?

It wasn't another seagull, was it?

-Had to be some massive seagull!

-HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

He was being a big man yesterday, proving he wasn't superstitious,

and he walks under the same ladder outside Kennedy's.

Your man above dropped the paint brush!

Would you not just get rid of it, Da?

-You look like a homeless person.

-Do you mind?

Oooh!

Are you feeling any better, love?

Well, I can move me arms and legs again,

but me head is still wrong.

-And me guts are killing me too.

-BUBBLING

Actually, mine's a bit funny too.

Ah, please, Ma, I don't wanna go to school tomorrow.

The photo's gonna be brutal.

Your stomach at ya?

Mine too.

PARP!

ALL GROAN

-I can't breathe!

-That's terrible!

-That smells of pure evil. Dad!

-Oooh!

-It's burning me eyelids.

-It's that flippin' nut roast, I'm sure of it.

-Don't be stupid.

-I'm nearly sure.

-It WAS the roast.

My guts have been doing somersaults all week.

PARP!

-I think the wind just changed.

-HE GIGGLES

PARP! Oh, there you are!

Oh, boys!

-I'm opening a window.

-Yes!

Yous are disgusting animals, the pair of yous.

That's just not funny.

-Ooh.

-Oooh.

PARP!

-HE LAUGHS

-What?!

What was that?

-Ma!

-It wasn't me.

LAUGHTER

It was a draught.

Oh!

OK, kids, sit still and don't forget to smile.

I can't believe they're making me do this.

Me guts are killing me.

It's inhuman.

You mean in-cartoon!

Actually, that joke was inhuman.

And who did your hair this morning?

You look like a poodle.

Tell you what - we'll all pull a stupid grin

so it looks like we're messin'.

I'll do my pig-nose big teeth.

Thanks!

I want to see a big smile from everyone.

Ready?

One...two...

three.

DEEP, RESONANT PARP

THEY COUGH

Ahh!

That's much better!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd