Testing, Testing ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'the only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'It's getting close to the end of term.

'And Miss Sherringham has an important announcement to make.'

-BELL

-Whoa, class, before you go.

Next Monday there will be a big test.

On all the history, maths, English,

geography and science that you've done this year so far.

So you need to start revising.

Go over all your old books and worksheets.

-Yes!

-ALL: Awww!

-Can we use calculators?

-No.

-Dictionaries?

-No.

-Atlases?

-No.

-That spoils it.

No atlases, no calculators, no dictionaries, no phone-a-friend.

That's why it's called a test.

So, as you can see, attendance and punctuality are doing really well.

And, er, these are the national test results

for the last few years.

That was last year, and, if we carry on

with this level of improvement, this is the projection for this year.

Whoosht! He-he, yeah.

To be honest, we take these tables and tests with a large grain of salt.

But the government wants them, the parents want them,

so we...play along.

I mean, OK, so this year we're due to overtake Cromane Junior School

by 1.75 percentage points.

But what really matters, is that the kids get a well-rounded education.

Actually...that would put us in the top ten...

..nationwide.

'At parents evening,

'Maura and Bill finally meet Miss Sherringham face-to-face.'

So, how do you think Roy will do in his test?

Well, firstly, his artwork is fresh and inventive

and he's always helping in our nature class.

But how's he going to do in his test?

Roy's a more...hands-on, creative type

and the test is more focussed on the academic side.

Yeah, but how's he going to do?

-Let's say it doesn't go so well, and he IS lagging behind...

-Mm.

We could be looking at some form of classroom support...

..or holding him back a year.

So he won't have to leave?

Er...

no.

-So he might?

-No.

-You hesitated.

-I didn't!

-You did, you said "er."

-You said "er...no."

Well, If Roy buckles down, and tries to concentrate and do his best,

I'm sure there'll be nothing to worry about.

His basketball's coming along.

Roy, you've got to knuckle down this week, and concentrate.

All this fuss about one measly test. I'VE got an exam - TEN of them!

-So that means no TV.

-What?!

English, French, maths, biology...

-Oh, and no computer games.

-Ma!

..IT, textiles...

fusion cookery...

neurosurgery...

cage fighting...

no-one's listening.

Oh, that's not fair!

It's only a test.

-Look, Miss Sherringham said that if you don't...

-Maura, just...

-What DID she say?

-Er...

Just...

Just keep your head down this week, love. Just for this week. Promise?

HE SOBS

Roy, no! Not over my...

Maura.

'It's revision time

'and all the children are preparing for their big tests.'

This is how I revise - read books and worksheets twice.

Summarise.

Pink highlighter for the important bits,

yellow for the very, very important bits.

Transcribe to flash cards. Keep them on you day and night.

I love tests and quizzes. Millionaire is my favourite.

But not the first questions, like,

"Is spaghetti a musical instrument?" or something.

That's stupid. I mean later on, when you get to questions like,

"What is the stretch of water between Russia and Alaska?"

That sort of stuff.

This is how I revise.

ROCK MUSIC

'And this is how Roy revises.'

FLY BUZZES

FLY CONTINUES TO BUZZ

BUZZING CONTINUES

The Bering Strait.

Yes!

Come on.

Roy, one...

fly, nil.

FLY BUZZES

Even a city environment can be teeming with natural life.

So just be patient and keep your eyes and your ears open.

-You don't know what you'll see.

-This is the best bit about school -

When you get to do stuff.

Not stuck at a desk doing all that thinking malarkey.

-BIRDS TWITTER

-Miss, I hear something.

What do you hear, Roy?

I thought I heard chicks, Miss.

Up there, Miss!

I think there's a nest!

Well spotted, Roy.

Can we see the chicks, Miss?

No, you don't want to disturb the nest.

Maybe they're eggs.

Shall I have a look, Miss?

No, Roy. It's best not to.

-Please, Miss!

-Just let Roy have a quick look.

If it's an egg, he could bring it down and show it everybody.

No, you're not supposed to disturb a nest.

What's going on?

What are you all doing outside?

It's a nature class. Roy found a nest.

You should all be inside, studying for the exam.

You've only got this week.

I was giving them some tips on observation

before our trip to the... wildlife reserve on Friday.

It's cancelled.

ALL: Aw!

What?!

I've taken the decision - all school trips are off while the exams are on.

ALL: Aw!

I know it's tedious, but...

my hands are tied.

Now, come on. Inside, chop-chop.

Come on, quick.

Keep off the grass, come on.

How's it going, Roy?

Fine, Ma.

Right, come on, Roy.

Concentrate.

-'Roy, what's up?'

-Hi, Jack.

-'You sound glum.'

I hate this revising!

I hate this whole test thing!

I can't wait till it's over.

'Hey, tests? They're for mugs! You don't need 'em.'

I don't?

'Look, if you want to be an accountant...

'or a dentist or a teacher or something, that's fine.

'But the real brains? The real talent?'

'They didn't need to do well in their tests.'

Didn't they?

'There's this fella that has his own airline.

'He didn't even finish school.

'There's all those premier footballers, too.

'Most of them are on 100 grand a week.'

100 grand a week!

100 grand a week?!

-'Do you think they need to do well in their tests?'

-No, they don't!

-'And there's all them boy band fellas.'

-Boy bands? Roy bands!

'They failed their tests. But they could fill up Wembley, no problem.'

I could fill Wembley, no problem!

'Tests are for robots, Roy. Want to be a robot?'

I don't want to be a robot!

So that's fractions to decimals. Now let's go over percentages once more.

Insane, I tell you!

GIGGLING

Roy! And Jack!

Show me.

I'm worried about Roy.

He's got to learn to concentrate.

I just don't think his mind's in the right place at all.

He'll have to buckle down, one way or another.

He's such a delightful boy.

The school would be a blander place if we were to lose him.

'But Roy's test performance could have a big impact

'on Mr Hammond's league tables.'

Some schools weed out the weaker pupils

who might otherwise undermine their overall exam performance.

But we, here at Ballyfermot, our first priority is to support them.

Our league position is very much of secondary concern.

Even if Roy fails the test across the board -

even, let's say, he gets straight zeroes.

It's really not going to affect the, er...

..affect the...

Eleventh?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Hey, Ma. I was just doing my revising.

Revising what? Eating sweets?

-I hate tests, Ma!

-I know, love. We all do, but they have to be done.

You need grades and qualifications to get on in the world.

Do you want to end up sweeping the streets?

-Roy, you right?

-Coming, Dad.

Where's he going?

I'm taking him to the playground. There's a new climbing wall.

-No, he's not.

-It's OK, he said he'd do it the normal way. He won't...

He's grounded for the weekend. He's got to stay in his room and revise.

-Get out.

-I've put my good jumper on.

-But, Ma!

-What do you want to be when you grow up, Roy?

Think about it!

Bill!

'Roy! How's the revising going?'

-How do you think?

-'Yeah, thought so. Me, too.'

'Fancy meeting me over at the shopping centre? Ten minutes?'

'Just hang out for a while. I need a break - a long break.'

I'm grounded, Jack. I need to revise!

'Roy, what kind of excuse is that?'

But...

'Fine. Fine. Robot.'

Wait. OK, Jack. Ten minutes.

1066.

Yes!

OK, another one. Another one.

-Roy!

-ROY PANTS

Sh! Sh!

Where are you going?

-To the shopping centre.

-What are you going to do?

Just chill with Jack, you know?

Chill?

Yeah, chill, Tommy. Catch up, would you?

Roy, are you crazy? We've got a test tomorrow!

Be there, or be a robot, Tommy.

'Tom-my ro-bot. Tom-my ro-bot.'

'Tom-my ro-bot. Tom-my ro-bot.'

But, Roy!

He's got to pass his tests, and all the other exams he's got coming.

All I'm saying is that a young boy

shouldn't be cooped up in his room, like that, all weekend.

I don't like it, either. But it's the system, OK?

I don't want to see Roy disadvantaged.

I mean, if he can't stay at Ballyfermot...

-She never said that.

-Yeah...

but it's at the back of their minds.

I know it.

Your turn.

-My turn for what?

-To keep an eye on him!

We've got to keep on his case all the time, now.

Now...

Roy?

Well? How's he getting on?

-Mm? He... He's fine, yeah.

-You don't seem so sure.

-I'll go and check.

-Ah, no, no, no.

Look. He... He said to me that if we don't... If we keep interrupting him

he won't get much done.

We... We just need to cut him some slack.

-Yeah.

-Some slack, yeah.

-Yeah. OK.

OK.

Where are you going?

-I'm going to look for him. Er... I'm going to look...for...ha?

-Mm?

Yeah. Er, OK. Won't be long.

See, Roy. Aren't you glad we came?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just think - we could be stuck at home.

I hate this whole test thing.

Hey, Jack. What's going on?

We're just hanging out.

Roy? What are YOU doing here?

I'm hanging, too.

Thought you'd be at home, swotting-up for the test.

You of all people.

You've got all that catch-up to do.

Hey! I'm not bothered.

What's Mr Hammond going to say when you get all zeroes?

Jack and me, we're not worried about tests. We're different.

We're mavericks. We think outside the box.

Ah, well. Send us a postcard.

-What do you mean?

-Such a shame, just when you were settling in and all.

Keep in touch, now. OK?

See, there's special schools.

-Special schools?

-For kids who can't hack it, who have learning problems.

-Fail all their tests.

-I'm not going to any special school.

It's not that bad. You get to sleep in dorms.

And...you have to get up at five every morning.

they have CCTV cameras...everywhere.

-And, er, I hope you like gruel.

-What's gruel?

They let your parents visit once a year.

Anyway, it's probably not going to happen. Shouldn't have mentioned it.

Roy?

Right, Roy. Revision.

Here we go.

How's it going, Roy?

-Can't stop and talk, Dad. Got to do my geography revision.

-Oh.

Right, yeah.

Australia, is it?

Dad...it was just for five minutes.

I needed fresh air.

-Don't tell Ma.

-Will you calm down, Son.

She doesn't have to know.

I went looking for you because there'd be blue murder if she knew.

Just don't do it again. OK?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Roy! Promise me you'll give it your best shot.

All right?

And that'll keep her happy.

That's all we can ask for.

DOG BARKS

HEY! Come on!

Tommy?

-'Roy.'

-I don't want to sweep the streets.

-'What?'

-I don't want to eat gruel.

'Roy, what are you on about?'

I'm going to fail the test!

And they're going to kick me out.

You've GOT to help me.

'You left it too late, Roy.

'If you hadn't spent all afternoon bunking off, then we could...'

Thanks, Tommy. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

You've got ten minutes.

All these books, all these maps, all these tables!

They're doing my head in.

I don't know where to start.

Try to calm down. It might not be as bad as we think.

Let's go through some stuff.

What's three quarters as a percentage?

OK, forget maths.

How do we get rainfall?

What's the capital of Finland?

What vegetables contain folic acid?

Roy. Hello? Are you there?

Huh! What happened?

-It's worse than we think.

-What'd I do?

I've been looking at these books all week and my eyes are like this.

Yeah, but that's no good on its own.

It's going straight in and out the other side.

You've got to digest the information.

Mm.

-Digest?

-Yeah. Chew it, absorb it, swallow it. Like we do with food.

So...

If I did... I don't know... This?

Roy, what are you doing?

OK. Test me.

-Roy, it doesn't work like that.

-Test me!

-What's the capital of Finland?

-Helsinki.

Whoa! It works!

Mm-mm.

Er, what's the name of the ship that got sunk by the iceberg in 1912?

Titanic!

Whoa!

What causes Bubonic Plague?

The rat flea.

Right again! What vegetables contain folic acid?

Broccoli, sprouts, cabbage!

This is great. Try me on my geography.

Er...what causes rainfall?

Evaporation, condensation and precipitation.

-Cracked!

-Oh, try me on my spellings.

I told you we should have that Tommy Byrne around more often.

Did you not give him anything to eat today?

Chrysanthemum.

C-H-R... Oh, just give me a hard one, will you?

'It's Monday

'and, for Miss Sherringham's class, it's the big day at last.'

OK, everyone. When I say go, you can open your test sheets.

Remember, there's no talking.

Read the questions carefully and write your name on the paper.

-(Roy, have you gained weight?)

-Been eating all them pies, Roy?

Good luck, everyone.

Never mind special schools. More like you're heading for fat camp.

Your time starts now.

Right, here we go. Name. Piece of cake!

Bring it on!

Sh.

Sorry, Miss, yeah, sorry.

ROY'S STOMACH RUMBLES

Ooh.

What was that?

Right. First question.

"What causes Bubonic Plague?"

Hey! I know this.

Helsinki!

Er, what?

That isn't right.

"What's the name of the ship that hit an iceberg in 1912?"

Broccoli, sprouts and cabbage.

That isn't right, either!

Er...

"What's the capital of Finland?"

Chrysanthemum.

What?

"Express two over three as a decimal."

Er...

Oh, no!

ALL: Ahh!

Roy!

My papers!

Roy, please! Try not to disturb the other pupils.

Sorry, Miss.

I can't do it.

Help!

(Roy, no!)

Ew, gross!

-Roy, what are you doing?

-Nothing, Miss.

Tommy, what happened?

Er...nothing.

Class, I must remind you - every time you talk or interrupt,

you're wasting valuable time.

(Psst! Jack!)

(Roy, what's up?)

(Can you get a worse score than zero?)

(Help!)

(OK. I've got an idea. Spoil your test.)

What?

(Yeah. Happened to a kid last year.)

(His pen broke. Ink went all over his test.)

(They couldn't read it, so they just gave him an average.)

Jack? Roy?

Sorry, Miss.

Oh, dear. That was careless.

Oops.

And it's STILL leaking!

Right, class. Time's almost up.

start checking your answers.

Miss. I think my pen's...

ROY'S STOMACH RUMBLES

-PPPPFFFRRTT!

-Ooh.

Ooh. I think I've a bit of a stomach ache.

Anyway. Miss, my pen.

-PPPPFFFRRTT!

-Oof!

OK, Roy. We're nearly finished now.

Just hang in there.

HE BURPS

He did it again!

Did you see that?

Class, just settle down, now.

ROY BURPS

What was that?

Roy, if you're really not feeling well...

OK, just...continue with your papers.

I'm going to bring Roy down to the...

Roy!

Ahh, that's MUCH better now.

The bad news, Roy, is, I'm afraid we're unable to mark your test paper.

Aw, I'm gutted. I was on such a roll, Miss.

Really, Roy?

Normally, we'd grade you merely an average.

Average? Tsh! Average!

But, following the incident earlier on...

Yeah, well I think I had a bit of indigestion.

..which resulted in the entire class' papers being spoilt...

the test board are kindly arranging for us to take the entire test again

in two weeks' time.

ROY GASPS

That's good news, isn't it, Miss Sherringham?

I can't contain my delight.

So, I'm delighted, Roy,

that you'll be able to show us what you're made of.

So you've got two whole weeks... to really get your head down.

AHHH!

FLY BUZZES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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