School Inspection ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon.'

ROY!

ROY!

ROY!

'Ballyfermot School, Dublin,

'and the staff and pupils are gearing up for the school inspection

'on the following Monday.'

This was the last report,

four years ago.

"Minor incidents of truancy.

"Vandalism and disruptive behaviour.

"Academic underachievement.

"General air of muddling along.

"The verdict on Ballyfermot School once again

"is a resounding 'Could try harder'."

Know what that's code for?

"Sack the headmaster."

Which is precisely what happened two weeks later.

Then, yours truly arrives,

and the results soar.

Arts and sports flourish...

COMMOTION OUTSIDE

..Discipline and respect are restored...

CLATTERING

So, I think this time

-they're going to be in for a very...

-NOISE CONTINUES

-..pleasant surprise.

-BANG

Excuse me.

What the...?

What on earth is going on?

What the...?

Kathy pushed the locker on Roy.

Miss Sherringham told me to clean the top of it.

-And there was all this fluff...

-ROY!

I'm sorry, sir.

Pull yourself together! Snap out of it.

Straighten up...

-Do something!

-I'm trying, I'm trying!

Thank you.

Now - back to class, everybody.

Go on, chop chop! Chop chop.

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

Roy O'Brien...

I have had it up to here.

No. Here!

Back to class.

NOW!

"Could try harder."

How I HATE that phrase.

They used to write that on my school report.

But er...now I've got my OWN school.

And now I'm looking for nothing less than outstanding.

So - fingers crossed, if everything goes smoothly...

SMOKE ALARM

What's going on?

What is going on?!

Vegetarian madras.

Sinuses need a good clear-out every now and then, that's what I say.

I think I...overdid it... on the curry, sir.

ROY PANTS

He had five helpings, sir.

All right, all right. Calm down, everybody. Calm down!

ROY COUGHS

Oh... Good.

Now, can the school get back to business? Mmm?

Or is there something else you've got in store for us?

SPRINKLER ALARM

ROY!

Of course...

If Roy wasn't actually HERE on Monday...

Yeah...

BELL RINGS

Ah - Roy...

Sir, I'm sorry about all the fuss today.

No, no. No, it's my fault.

What?

-We've been working you too hard. You're obviously under stress.

-No.

So, I'm giving you full permission to take the whole of Monday off.

-But I don't want Monday off.

-Good. I'll drop a note to your parents...

-You what?

-I don't want Monday off.

But...surely you're tired?

No.

-Fed up with school?

-No.

But...don't you want a nice long lie-in?

No. I'm fine, sir.

Raring to go!

Jack! Will you wait for me?

Right! Fine.

Perfect.

Oh... That's nice.

Miss Sherringham.

Where did that come from?

Oh... That's Tommy Burns.

-You mean one of the pupils did it?

-Yes.

A pupil? From our school?!

Yes!

Well, what's it doing hiding there?

Put it on display in the main corridor.

But it's not ready. I still have to put on a few more moons for Pluto.

Oh...

Whatever!

Everything's in order? Our best classes, best lessons, best pupils.

Art department, dance group, choir - all in order?

I think the choir could do with a little bit more rehearsal.

But Roy O'Brien could go and blow it all for us.

What are we going to do?

Unless...

Unless what?

I don't quite see what you're hinting at here, Derek.

..Roy O'Brien was suspended for the day.

Yes! That's it.

He's bound to do something before then.

Mr Hogan...

We have 24 hours.

Oh...

Come on, Roy. Pull the finger out!

BELL RINGS OK, see you all Monday.

Oh - the inspector will be coming to our Geography class in the morning

and our Maths class in the afternoon. So, when I ask questions,

make sure Tommy, Sinead and Conor get their hands up first.

-ALL:

-Yes, miss.

This is a complete charade...

-OK, Roy - that's done it.

-What?

-I've told you before...

-Told him what?

He knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

Do I?

-I'm sorry, Roy. But you're suspended.

-Suspended?!

What has he been suspended for?

-He has been suspended...

-Yes.

-..On my authority...

-Yes.

..For the flagrant act of...

He erm...

He erm...

He disrupted Science class, by deliberately shocking himself

with the steady-hand game that the class built.

Oh, yeah. That was deadly.

Yeah, you could see his skeleton flashing.

FIZZLING

-What?

-That was three weeks ago.

Well, I...

I...needed time to think about it. I didn't want to rush in.

Three weeks ago?

So, Roy...

You're suspended. As from Monday.

For one day.

But...

No buts!

SHE SIGHS

You know, if I was to extend this

to include our nearest star, Alpha Centauri,

it would go all the way to the playground.

And as for Andromeda, our next galaxy...

you'd be talking as far as the city centre!

What you're doing to Roy is absolutely outrageous!

Calm down, Miss Sherringham.

I think something else is going on here -

I think you've got a hidden agenda.

What?! Do I LOOK like I've got a hidden agenda, Miss Sherringham?

Yes.

OK! Look...

I just want to keep Roy away from school inspection on Monday.

You're ashamed of him - is that it?

Yes! No. I mean... Look.

If something happens, Roy gets put on the school report.

What's that going to do for his confidence? Mm?

They might even suggest moving him.

Did you think of that, Miss Sherringham?

Look...I think it would be best for all, don't you?

TOMMY SNEEZES

CRASH

Tommy?!

Are you OK?

Fine... Just fine.

MR HAMMOND SIGHS WITH RELIEF

The last thing we need, is another school compensation claim, mm?

Nice one, Roy.

What's Mam going to say?

Why does SHE need to know?

Well, what about the letter?

Don't show her. They never check.

So? What happens on Monday?

Just say you're sick.

But...what if I'm not sick?

SHE SIGHS

What?!

HE SLURPS

Now listen, Roy. I'm finishing work early on Monday

so I'll pick you up from school. All right?

Er, it's OK. You don't have to.

But I want to.

Really?

Yes! Really.

I have an airport job, then the Castleknock Inn,

then a hospital job, and then I'm done.

-But...

-Now what?

Well... I'm going to be sick on Monday.

Oh. You know in advance, do you, love?

ROY COUGHS

Yeah, I think I'm coming down with something.

HE COUGHS AGAIN

-BILL TUTS

-That's a shame.

Cos I was going to bring you paintballing that night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I reckon I'll be better by er...

half four, quarter past, maybe, you know.

Roy...

Why don't you want to go to school on Monday?

Erm...

-The shame.

-It's for nothing.

And why did it take Mr Hammond three weeks to do anything?

I don't know, but it's very embarrassing.

Three weeks! It's like those traffic cameras -

"This is a photograph of you picking your nose in a bus lane last July."

Nothing like that's ever happened to anybody in our family, ever.

-Oh, Bill...

-It was the last week of term.

-SHE SIGHS

-I knew it.

See, what we used to do was put a bit of grease on the door handle.

HE CRACKS UP

-That's not funny.

-No. I know that.

That's SO not funny.

Now, stink bombs in the staff room... That's a classic.

-It's not funny at all, is it?

-No, it's terrible. It's awful.

It's so unfair. I mean, it was an accident,

and it was ages ago.

Look - I'm not sure if I should be telling you this,

but Mr Hammond's not really suspending you.

What?

Flip, that should have been the Gazette, Roy!

Oh - no problem. I'll get it for you.

DOG GROWLS AND BARKS

-Thanks.

-No problem.

So?

He just wants to keep you away on Monday because of the inspection.

Why?

Well...he thinks you're going to let the school down.

What - like...he's ashamed of me?

Well...no, he didn't say that.

Actually...

Come to think of it, he DID.

'The big day has arrived,

'and Mr Hammond is going through his final check list with the staff.'

-You got rid of that smell on the second-floor landing?

-Check.

-Mr Hogan, Miss Sherringham - your classes all know their cues?

-Check.

Nora - lunch, quarter to one. On the dot.

Ooh. And I did an internet search on him,

and apparently he's very partial to Japanese food.

I'm doing my line-caught North Pacific fish and potato tempura.

Oh!

Otherwise known as cod and chips.

Any more questions?

I think Roy should be allowed...

Excellent.

Good luck, everyone.

'It's Monday morning, and Roy is not enjoying his day of suspension.'

"Ballyfermot School, Ballyfermot, southwest Dublin.

"Size, 225 pupils.

"Head Teacher, Mr D Hammond."

You know - schools make such a fuss about inspections.

Put on such a show, create such a hullabaloo,

when all you want is for them to relax and be themselves.

Oh!

Mr Preeny!

-Let me take your coat, Mr Preeny.

-Great.

-Welcome to Ballyfermot School.

-Thank you.

Oh...

IRISH DANCE MUSIC

Ah... Very nice. Yes.

Right.

Now... We're not just exam fodder here.

Art and extracurricular activity is encouraged here,

right from the day when they arrive

right up to the day - the oh, so emotional day - when they leave us.

SINGING Is that your choir? Could I...

No, no, I'd rather you didn't. Er...

They're...rehearsing.

They get very touchy

if they're not absolutely erm...

note-perfect.

They sound OK to me.

# All things bright and beautiful...

Let me show you Miss Sherringham's class.

Miss Sherringham is one of our top teachers.

'Bored of being stuck at home,

'Roy has ventured down to the local shopping centre.'

So, they don't want me around. Do I care?

Hey. Aren't you Roy?

We've heard about you.

Aren't you at Ballyfermot?

Well, I was. But then I got suspended.

I'm Dec. This is Heno.

We were suspended too.

We're from Crumlin School.

It was totally out of order. I didn't do anything.

Tell me about it.

Schools don't know what to do with us.

Ah, sure, we're better off without them.

-All right, Bugsy?

-All right, lads.

I got the stuff, so let's get going.

See you around, Roy.

You're going?

Well, yeah. Unless you want to hang around with us.

The destruction of the rainforest, release of CFCs into the atmosphere,

-and over reliance on fossil fuels.

-Well done, Tommy.

Actually, while we're on the subject,

does anyone have any solutions

to global warming?

Erm...

Sinead - OK. You got in first.

Well...like, this is just from the top of my head...

That's fine.

As individuals, we should recycle waste,

take less trips abroad,

and install low-energy light bulbs.

And as nations, we should all sign up to the carbon reduction targets

as laid down by the Kyoto Protocol of the 11th of January, 1997.

We're all clear, fellas.

Well done, Roy.

Are you sure we have permission to be doing this?

-HE LAUGHS

-Permission(?)

Did it ever occur to you why you're the lookout, Roy?

Well, I just think that...

Will you just leave the thinking to us? And don't be such a square.

-And keep those peepers peeled, all right?

-Fine.

-Looks like we found a right one, lads.

-Aw, this is rubbish!

Now what's up, Bugsy?

I'm always doing the same things.

I need to move on.

-Well, let's go to the leisure centre.

-No... No.

He means "move on" as in "progress". Artistically.

Oh, yeah!

We need a new image, you know? A new face.

Cheer up, Bugsy.

Bugsy...?

Bugsy!

I noted that Ballyfermot has a track record for inclusive intake -

pupils from a broad range of cultural and ethnic backgrounds...

You should have seen our Chinese New Year school dragon.

We had all Mrs Clarke's class squeezed in...

-Can you let me finish? Please.

-Sorry. Sorry.

As well as pupils with special needs and disabilities,

and also, I gather, a cartoon pupil.

Erm... Indeed. Indeed.

So, where is he?

Erm... Roy O'Brien? He's...sick.

Pity. He so wanted to come here today.

Sick?

Yes. He...

gets sometimes a sort of erm...

cartoon flu.

Cartoon flu.

Yes. He...sometimes gets a bit run-down.

His lines go sort of...blurry.

Not much fun, I gather.

Well, that is a disappointment.

-Is it?

-Yes.

Schools that help pupils with special needs and conditions

get a value-added grading.

Do they?

But as he's not here,

we're not really in a position to be able to assess this.

Oh.

Erm...

-Mr Hammond...

-Miss Sherringham! Get Roy O'Brien back to school.

-What?

-Now!

First we send him home, now we...

Miss Sherringham, do you want us all to be here next year? Just do it!

Mr Preeny...

He's not at home?

Not at home, or at his grandparents',

or at the neighbours'...

MOBILE RINGS

Hey, it's him.

Roy, where are you?

Hey, Jack.

Yeah, I'm hanging out with my new mates. We're doing some cool stuff.

Isn't that right?

ALL: Yeah!

School? Who needs school?

School's for losers.

Isn't that right?

ALL: Yeah!

ALARM SOUNDS

-TANNOY: Would Security please go...

-Lads! Scatter, now!

Hey, fellas! Where are you going?

You forgot your bag!

TANNOY: Security, please go immediately to the service bay.

Fellas!

Roy...

I think he's at the shopping centre.

Come on, let's go!

CHILDREN: Roy... Roy!

Roy! Roy...

Have you seen a boy...

Roy, where are you?

Roy!

Roy, are you under there?

COUGHING

Roy?

We know you're in there.

Hammond wants you back in school. You're not suspended any more.

What...?

-Oh, what's that?

-It's only chicken curry.

And actually I like the smell of it.

OI! What are you doing back there?!

Quickly...

Come on! Give me the bag.

I'll tell you later.

Come back here!

'Roy is finally back in the school fold,

'and the inspector is now observing how Miss Sherringham's class

'perform at Maths.'

OK. Let's begin.

20 over 2.

-Tommy.

-78%.

Correct.

16 over 3.

Sinead.

5.3, miss.

5.3 recurring,

strictly.

What's next in this sequence?

7, 14,

21...

-Tommy.

-Excuse me. We seem to be asking the same pupils all the time.

Really?

How about giving Roy O'Brien a go, as he wasn't here this morning?

ROY GULPS

Erm...

OK.

Roy...

..what is 6 squared?

36.

Yes. 75% of 120.

90.

Excellent, Roy!

3.14159.

What is the value of pi?

How do you do that?

What's going on?

Hello! I think you have the wrong day.

Police Liaison Day is next month.

-Are you the Head Teacher?

-Hammond. Derek Hammond.

Pleased to meet you.

We've been informed that a group of kids, pupils from your school,

were seen running loose unsupervised during school hours

-in the shopping centre.

-What?!

More seriously, there have been several incidents of major graffiti

and criminal damage across the town centre this lunchtime.

-What's that got to do with us?

-We've had a very strong tip-off

that the suspect is a student from this school.

May I?

Class... Don't worry.

The police just want to ask us a few questions.

But I know this is nothing to do with us.

-JACK:

-What happened, miss?

There's been some graffiti in the town, and...

The shopping centre.

The bus station.

The leisure centre.

We have reason to believe

the suspect...is a pupil from Ballyfermot School.

Well, that's where I think you're out of line.

-I know my class, and not one of them would EVER...

-Roy.

It wasn't me. Honest.

Is this your bag, son?

You don't mind if I just...

Well, actually...

..have a little peep...

See what's inside?

But it's not mine... It's the...

ALL GASP

Right!

Let's...go and look at our Interpretative Dance class.

Mr Preeny.

Mr Hammond.

It's lucky he's only 11.

Otherwise we'd be down the station and throwing the book at him.

Well...

Mr Hammond.

But it wasn't me, sir.

He was caught red-handed.

I think you should hear Roy out.

Sir, I was just a lookout.

It was these other kids from Crumlin.

Yes, yes, we've heard all that before.

-But I think...

-Shame on you, Roy.

Mr Hammond...

are you going to get a grip on your school,

or are we going to have to do it for you?

What's going to happen to him, miss?

He's not going to be kicked out, is he?

I know Roy didn't do this.

Miss, I think you'd better take a look at this.

This is most unfortunate.

However, it does give you an example of how we handle

such very rare discipline problems here at the school.

Firm...but always fair.

Now, while I deal with Roy,

why don't you go along and I'll meet you in the erm...gymnasium?

Get in!

On this very important day,

you let the school down.

You let me down.

But most important of all,

you let YOURSELF down.

I'm sorry, sir, but I swear, I...

And to compound it all,

you tried to pretend it was done by boys from another school.

KNOCK AT DOOR

We've been patient, Roy.

-Given you the benefit of the doubt.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

We've bent over backwards to accept you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

But I'm afraid this time we've reached the end of the line.

DOOR OPENS

-Oh, for crying out loud...

-Miss Sherringham, please!

Isn't this Crumlin's school crest?

Ah...

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

Yes!

CHOIR: # All things bright and beautiful

# All c-c-c-c-creatures great and small

# All things w-w-wise and wonderful RECORDING SKIPS

# The Lord God made them all. #

Well...

Seems your little Crumlin friends were clever, but not that clever.

They were caught on camera at the shopping precinct.

I...

should never have kept you away from school after all, Roy.

I erm...suppose I er...

owe you an apology.

-Sorry.

-What was that?

What did you say? I couldn't hear you.

Huh? What did you say, sir?

I said "Sorry"! OK?

So...how come the police thought it was me?

"So... once we got past the silly charade,

"it was clear the pupils were of mixed ability, good-spirited,

"and along with their teachers, who are obviously committed and caring,

"demonstrate a striking loyalty and supportiveness to each other.

"Unlike their Head Teacher...

"whose pompous, overbearing and self-serving presence

"is the major obstacle to the school's progress."

I can't put that in. HE SCORES IT OUT

Better play safe.

"Unlike the Head Teacher...

"..who could try...

"harder."

HE CHUCKLES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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