School Inspection ROY


School Inspection

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Transcript


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'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

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'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

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'The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

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'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

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'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

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'when you're a cartoon.'

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ROY!

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ROY!

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ROY!

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'Ballyfermot School, Dublin,

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'and the staff and pupils are gearing up for the school inspection

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'on the following Monday.'

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This was the last report,

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four years ago.

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"Minor incidents of truancy.

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"Vandalism and disruptive behaviour.

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"Academic underachievement.

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"General air of muddling along.

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"The verdict on Ballyfermot School once again

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"is a resounding 'Could try harder'."

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Know what that's code for?

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"Sack the headmaster."

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Which is precisely what happened two weeks later.

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Then, yours truly arrives,

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and the results soar.

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Arts and sports flourish...

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COMMOTION OUTSIDE

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..Discipline and respect are restored...

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CLATTERING

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So, I think this time

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-they're going to be in for a very...

-NOISE CONTINUES

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-..pleasant surprise.

-BANG

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Excuse me.

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What the...?

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What on earth is going on?

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What the...?

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Kathy pushed the locker on Roy.

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Miss Sherringham told me to clean the top of it.

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-And there was all this fluff...

-ROY!

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I'm sorry, sir.

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Pull yourself together! Snap out of it.

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Straighten up...

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-Do something!

-I'm trying, I'm trying!

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Thank you.

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Now - back to class, everybody.

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Go on, chop chop! Chop chop.

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MR HAMMOND SIGHS

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Roy O'Brien...

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I have had it up to here.

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No. Here!

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Back to class.

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NOW!

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"Could try harder."

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How I HATE that phrase.

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They used to write that on my school report.

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But er...now I've got my OWN school.

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And now I'm looking for nothing less than outstanding.

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So - fingers crossed, if everything goes smoothly...

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SMOKE ALARM

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What's going on?

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What is going on?!

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Vegetarian madras.

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Sinuses need a good clear-out every now and then, that's what I say.

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I think I...overdid it... on the curry, sir.

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ROY PANTS

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He had five helpings, sir.

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All right, all right. Calm down, everybody. Calm down!

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ROY COUGHS

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Oh... Good.

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Now, can the school get back to business? Mmm?

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Or is there something else you've got in store for us?

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SPRINKLER ALARM

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ROY!

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Of course...

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If Roy wasn't actually HERE on Monday...

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Yeah...

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BELL RINGS

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Ah - Roy...

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Sir, I'm sorry about all the fuss today.

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No, no. No, it's my fault.

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What?

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-We've been working you too hard. You're obviously under stress.

-No.

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So, I'm giving you full permission to take the whole of Monday off.

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-But I don't want Monday off.

-Good. I'll drop a note to your parents...

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-You what?

-I don't want Monday off.

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But...surely you're tired?

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No.

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-Fed up with school?

-No.

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But...don't you want a nice long lie-in?

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No. I'm fine, sir.

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Raring to go!

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Jack! Will you wait for me?

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Right! Fine.

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Perfect.

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Oh... That's nice.

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Miss Sherringham.

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Where did that come from?

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Oh... That's Tommy Burns.

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-You mean one of the pupils did it?

-Yes.

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A pupil? From our school?!

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Yes!

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Well, what's it doing hiding there?

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Put it on display in the main corridor.

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But it's not ready. I still have to put on a few more moons for Pluto.

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Oh...

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Whatever!

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Everything's in order? Our best classes, best lessons, best pupils.

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Art department, dance group, choir - all in order?

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I think the choir could do with a little bit more rehearsal.

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But Roy O'Brien could go and blow it all for us.

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What are we going to do?

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Unless...

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Unless what?

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I don't quite see what you're hinting at here, Derek.

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..Roy O'Brien was suspended for the day.

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Yes! That's it.

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He's bound to do something before then.

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Mr Hogan...

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We have 24 hours.

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Oh...

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Come on, Roy. Pull the finger out!

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BELL RINGS OK, see you all Monday.

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Oh - the inspector will be coming to our Geography class in the morning

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and our Maths class in the afternoon. So, when I ask questions,

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make sure Tommy, Sinead and Conor get their hands up first.

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-ALL:

-Yes, miss.

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This is a complete charade...

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-OK, Roy - that's done it.

-What?

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-I've told you before...

-Told him what?

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He knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

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Do I?

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-I'm sorry, Roy. But you're suspended.

-Suspended?!

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What has he been suspended for?

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-He has been suspended...

-Yes.

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-..On my authority...

-Yes.

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..For the flagrant act of...

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He erm...

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He erm...

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He disrupted Science class, by deliberately shocking himself

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with the steady-hand game that the class built.

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Oh, yeah. That was deadly.

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Yeah, you could see his skeleton flashing.

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FIZZLING

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-What?

-That was three weeks ago.

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Well, I...

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I...needed time to think about it. I didn't want to rush in.

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Three weeks ago?

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So, Roy...

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You're suspended. As from Monday.

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For one day.

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But...

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No buts!

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SHE SIGHS

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You know, if I was to extend this

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to include our nearest star, Alpha Centauri,

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it would go all the way to the playground.

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And as for Andromeda, our next galaxy...

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you'd be talking as far as the city centre!

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What you're doing to Roy is absolutely outrageous!

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Calm down, Miss Sherringham.

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I think something else is going on here -

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I think you've got a hidden agenda.

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What?! Do I LOOK like I've got a hidden agenda, Miss Sherringham?

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Yes.

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OK! Look...

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I just want to keep Roy away from school inspection on Monday.

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You're ashamed of him - is that it?

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Yes! No. I mean... Look.

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If something happens, Roy gets put on the school report.

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What's that going to do for his confidence? Mm?

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They might even suggest moving him.

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Did you think of that, Miss Sherringham?

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Look...I think it would be best for all, don't you?

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TOMMY SNEEZES

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CRASH

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Tommy?!

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Are you OK?

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Fine... Just fine.

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MR HAMMOND SIGHS WITH RELIEF

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The last thing we need, is another school compensation claim, mm?

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Nice one, Roy.

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What's Mam going to say?

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Why does SHE need to know?

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Well, what about the letter?

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Don't show her. They never check.

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So? What happens on Monday?

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Just say you're sick.

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But...what if I'm not sick?

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SHE SIGHS

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What?!

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HE SLURPS

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Now listen, Roy. I'm finishing work early on Monday

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so I'll pick you up from school. All right?

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Er, it's OK. You don't have to.

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But I want to.

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Really?

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Yes! Really.

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I have an airport job, then the Castleknock Inn,

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then a hospital job, and then I'm done.

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-But...

-Now what?

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Well... I'm going to be sick on Monday.

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Oh. You know in advance, do you, love?

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ROY COUGHS

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Yeah, I think I'm coming down with something.

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HE COUGHS AGAIN

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-BILL TUTS

-That's a shame.

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Cos I was going to bring you paintballing that night.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I reckon I'll be better by er...

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half four, quarter past, maybe, you know.

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Roy...

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Why don't you want to go to school on Monday?

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Erm...

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-The shame.

-It's for nothing.

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And why did it take Mr Hammond three weeks to do anything?

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I don't know, but it's very embarrassing.

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Three weeks! It's like those traffic cameras -

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"This is a photograph of you picking your nose in a bus lane last July."

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Nothing like that's ever happened to anybody in our family, ever.

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-Oh, Bill...

-It was the last week of term.

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-SHE SIGHS

-I knew it.

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See, what we used to do was put a bit of grease on the door handle.

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HE CRACKS UP

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-That's not funny.

-No. I know that.

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That's SO not funny.

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Now, stink bombs in the staff room... That's a classic.

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-It's not funny at all, is it?

-No, it's terrible. It's awful.

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It's so unfair. I mean, it was an accident,

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and it was ages ago.

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Look - I'm not sure if I should be telling you this,

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but Mr Hammond's not really suspending you.

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What?

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Flip, that should have been the Gazette, Roy!

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Oh - no problem. I'll get it for you.

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DOG GROWLS AND BARKS

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-Thanks.

-No problem.

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So?

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He just wants to keep you away on Monday because of the inspection.

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Why?

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Well...he thinks you're going to let the school down.

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What - like...he's ashamed of me?

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Well...no, he didn't say that.

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Actually...

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Come to think of it, he DID.

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'The big day has arrived,

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'and Mr Hammond is going through his final check list with the staff.'

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-You got rid of that smell on the second-floor landing?

-Check.

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-Mr Hogan, Miss Sherringham - your classes all know their cues?

-Check.

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Nora - lunch, quarter to one. On the dot.

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Ooh. And I did an internet search on him,

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and apparently he's very partial to Japanese food.

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I'm doing my line-caught North Pacific fish and potato tempura.

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Oh!

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Otherwise known as cod and chips.

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Any more questions?

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I think Roy should be allowed...

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Excellent.

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Good luck, everyone.

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'It's Monday morning, and Roy is not enjoying his day of suspension.'

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"Ballyfermot School, Ballyfermot, southwest Dublin.

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"Size, 225 pupils.

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"Head Teacher, Mr D Hammond."

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You know - schools make such a fuss about inspections.

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Put on such a show, create such a hullabaloo,

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when all you want is for them to relax and be themselves.

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Oh!

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Mr Preeny!

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-Let me take your coat, Mr Preeny.

-Great.

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-Welcome to Ballyfermot School.

-Thank you.

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Oh...

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IRISH DANCE MUSIC

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Ah... Very nice. Yes.

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Right.

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Now... We're not just exam fodder here.

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Art and extracurricular activity is encouraged here,

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right from the day when they arrive

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right up to the day - the oh, so emotional day - when they leave us.

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SINGING Is that your choir? Could I...

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No, no, I'd rather you didn't. Er...

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They're...rehearsing.

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They get very touchy

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if they're not absolutely erm...

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note-perfect.

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They sound OK to me.

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# All things bright and beautiful...

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Let me show you Miss Sherringham's class.

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Miss Sherringham is one of our top teachers.

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'Bored of being stuck at home,

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'Roy has ventured down to the local shopping centre.'

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So, they don't want me around. Do I care?

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Hey. Aren't you Roy?

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We've heard about you.

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Aren't you at Ballyfermot?

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Well, I was. But then I got suspended.

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I'm Dec. This is Heno.

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We were suspended too.

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We're from Crumlin School.

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It was totally out of order. I didn't do anything.

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Tell me about it.

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Schools don't know what to do with us.

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Ah, sure, we're better off without them.

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-All right, Bugsy?

-All right, lads.

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I got the stuff, so let's get going.

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See you around, Roy.

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You're going?

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Well, yeah. Unless you want to hang around with us.

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The destruction of the rainforest, release of CFCs into the atmosphere,

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-and over reliance on fossil fuels.

-Well done, Tommy.

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Actually, while we're on the subject,

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does anyone have any solutions

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to global warming?

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Erm...

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Sinead - OK. You got in first.

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Well...like, this is just from the top of my head...

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That's fine.

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As individuals, we should recycle waste,

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take less trips abroad,

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and install low-energy light bulbs.

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And as nations, we should all sign up to the carbon reduction targets

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as laid down by the Kyoto Protocol of the 11th of January, 1997.

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We're all clear, fellas.

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Well done, Roy.

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Are you sure we have permission to be doing this?

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-HE LAUGHS

-Permission(?)

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Did it ever occur to you why you're the lookout, Roy?

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Well, I just think that...

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Will you just leave the thinking to us? And don't be such a square.

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-And keep those peepers peeled, all right?

-Fine.

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-Looks like we found a right one, lads.

-Aw, this is rubbish!

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Now what's up, Bugsy?

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I'm always doing the same things.

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I need to move on.

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-Well, let's go to the leisure centre.

-No... No.

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He means "move on" as in "progress". Artistically.

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Oh, yeah!

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We need a new image, you know? A new face.

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Cheer up, Bugsy.

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Bugsy...?

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Bugsy!

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I noted that Ballyfermot has a track record for inclusive intake -

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pupils from a broad range of cultural and ethnic backgrounds...

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You should have seen our Chinese New Year school dragon.

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We had all Mrs Clarke's class squeezed in...

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-Can you let me finish? Please.

-Sorry. Sorry.

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As well as pupils with special needs and disabilities,

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and also, I gather, a cartoon pupil.

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Erm... Indeed. Indeed.

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So, where is he?

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Erm... Roy O'Brien? He's...sick.

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Pity. He so wanted to come here today.

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Sick?

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Yes. He...

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gets sometimes a sort of erm...

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cartoon flu.

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Cartoon flu.

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Yes. He...sometimes gets a bit run-down.

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His lines go sort of...blurry.

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Not much fun, I gather.

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Well, that is a disappointment.

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-Is it?

-Yes.

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Schools that help pupils with special needs and conditions

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get a value-added grading.

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Do they?

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But as he's not here,

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we're not really in a position to be able to assess this.

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Oh.

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Erm...

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-Mr Hammond...

-Miss Sherringham! Get Roy O'Brien back to school.

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-What?

-Now!

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First we send him home, now we...

0:18:130:18:15

Miss Sherringham, do you want us all to be here next year? Just do it!

0:18:150:18:19

Mr Preeny...

0:18:200:18:21

He's not at home?

0:18:220:18:24

Not at home, or at his grandparents',

0:18:240:18:26

or at the neighbours'...

0:18:260:18:28

MOBILE RINGS

0:18:280:18:29

Hey, it's him.

0:18:300:18:31

Roy, where are you?

0:18:320:18:33

Hey, Jack.

0:18:330:18:35

Yeah, I'm hanging out with my new mates. We're doing some cool stuff.

0:18:380:18:43

Isn't that right?

0:18:430:18:44

ALL: Yeah!

0:18:440:18:46

School? Who needs school?

0:18:490:18:51

School's for losers.

0:18:510:18:53

Isn't that right?

0:18:530:18:55

ALL: Yeah!

0:18:550:18:57

ALARM SOUNDS

0:18:570:18:58

-TANNOY: Would Security please go...

-Lads! Scatter, now!

0:18:580:19:01

Hey, fellas! Where are you going?

0:19:020:19:05

You forgot your bag!

0:19:050:19:06

TANNOY: Security, please go immediately to the service bay.

0:19:060:19:10

Fellas!

0:19:100:19:11

Roy...

0:19:110:19:13

I think he's at the shopping centre.

0:19:130:19:15

Come on, let's go!

0:19:150:19:17

CHILDREN: Roy... Roy!

0:19:200:19:23

Roy! Roy...

0:19:270:19:29

Have you seen a boy...

0:19:300:19:32

Roy, where are you?

0:19:320:19:33

Roy!

0:19:360:19:37

Roy, are you under there?

0:19:370:19:38

COUGHING

0:19:420:19:43

Roy?

0:19:430:19:45

We know you're in there.

0:19:460:19:48

Hammond wants you back in school. You're not suspended any more.

0:19:490:19:54

What...?

0:19:540:19:56

-Oh, what's that?

-It's only chicken curry.

0:19:560:19:58

And actually I like the smell of it.

0:19:580:20:01

OI! What are you doing back there?!

0:20:020:20:04

Quickly...

0:20:040:20:06

Come on! Give me the bag.

0:20:060:20:07

I'll tell you later.

0:20:070:20:09

Come back here!

0:20:090:20:10

'Roy is finally back in the school fold,

0:20:110:20:13

'and the inspector is now observing how Miss Sherringham's class

0:20:130:20:17

'perform at Maths.'

0:20:170:20:19

OK. Let's begin.

0:20:190:20:21

20 over 2.

0:20:220:20:24

-Tommy.

-78%.

0:20:250:20:26

Correct.

0:20:260:20:27

16 over 3.

0:20:290:20:31

Sinead.

0:20:310:20:32

5.3, miss.

0:20:320:20:34

5.3 recurring,

0:20:340:20:36

strictly.

0:20:360:20:38

What's next in this sequence?

0:20:390:20:40

7, 14,

0:20:400:20:43

21...

0:20:430:20:44

-Tommy.

-Excuse me. We seem to be asking the same pupils all the time.

0:20:450:20:49

Really?

0:20:490:20:51

How about giving Roy O'Brien a go, as he wasn't here this morning?

0:20:510:20:54

ROY GULPS

0:20:540:20:56

Erm...

0:20:560:20:57

OK.

0:20:580:21:00

Roy...

0:21:000:21:01

..what is 6 squared?

0:21:020:21:05

36.

0:21:050:21:07

Yes. 75% of 120.

0:21:070:21:09

90.

0:21:090:21:11

Excellent, Roy!

0:21:120:21:13

3.14159.

0:21:130:21:15

What is the value of pi?

0:21:160:21:18

How do you do that?

0:21:190:21:20

What's going on?

0:21:250:21:26

Hello! I think you have the wrong day.

0:21:270:21:31

Police Liaison Day is next month.

0:21:310:21:33

-Are you the Head Teacher?

-Hammond. Derek Hammond.

0:21:330:21:35

Pleased to meet you.

0:21:350:21:37

We've been informed that a group of kids, pupils from your school,

0:21:370:21:40

were seen running loose unsupervised during school hours

0:21:400:21:44

-in the shopping centre.

-What?!

0:21:440:21:46

More seriously, there have been several incidents of major graffiti

0:21:460:21:51

and criminal damage across the town centre this lunchtime.

0:21:510:21:54

-What's that got to do with us?

-We've had a very strong tip-off

0:21:540:21:58

that the suspect is a student from this school.

0:21:580:22:02

May I?

0:22:020:22:03

Class... Don't worry.

0:22:090:22:11

The police just want to ask us a few questions.

0:22:110:22:14

But I know this is nothing to do with us.

0:22:140:22:17

-JACK:

-What happened, miss?

0:22:170:22:19

There's been some graffiti in the town, and...

0:22:190:22:22

The shopping centre.

0:22:220:22:23

The bus station.

0:22:230:22:25

The leisure centre.

0:22:270:22:28

We have reason to believe

0:22:280:22:30

the suspect...is a pupil from Ballyfermot School.

0:22:300:22:34

Well, that's where I think you're out of line.

0:22:340:22:37

-I know my class, and not one of them would EVER...

-Roy.

0:22:370:22:41

It wasn't me. Honest.

0:22:410:22:43

Is this your bag, son?

0:22:440:22:46

You don't mind if I just...

0:22:470:22:49

Well, actually...

0:22:490:22:51

..have a little peep...

0:22:510:22:52

See what's inside?

0:22:530:22:54

But it's not mine... It's the...

0:22:570:22:59

ALL GASP

0:23:030:23:04

Right!

0:23:080:23:10

Let's...go and look at our Interpretative Dance class.

0:23:100:23:15

Mr Preeny.

0:23:150:23:16

Mr Hammond.

0:23:220:23:23

It's lucky he's only 11.

0:23:260:23:28

Otherwise we'd be down the station and throwing the book at him.

0:23:280:23:31

Well...

0:23:310:23:32

Mr Hammond.

0:23:320:23:34

But it wasn't me, sir.

0:23:350:23:36

He was caught red-handed.

0:23:360:23:38

I think you should hear Roy out.

0:23:380:23:40

Sir, I was just a lookout.

0:23:400:23:42

It was these other kids from Crumlin.

0:23:420:23:45

Yes, yes, we've heard all that before.

0:23:450:23:47

-But I think...

-Shame on you, Roy.

0:23:470:23:49

Mr Hammond...

0:23:490:23:51

are you going to get a grip on your school,

0:23:510:23:53

or are we going to have to do it for you?

0:23:530:23:56

What's going to happen to him, miss?

0:23:580:24:00

He's not going to be kicked out, is he?

0:24:000:24:02

I know Roy didn't do this.

0:24:020:24:04

Miss, I think you'd better take a look at this.

0:24:040:24:07

This is most unfortunate.

0:24:110:24:13

However, it does give you an example of how we handle

0:24:130:24:16

such very rare discipline problems here at the school.

0:24:160:24:20

Firm...but always fair.

0:24:200:24:22

Now, while I deal with Roy,

0:24:230:24:25

why don't you go along and I'll meet you in the erm...gymnasium?

0:24:250:24:30

Get in!

0:24:320:24:33

On this very important day,

0:24:350:24:38

you let the school down.

0:24:380:24:40

You let me down.

0:24:400:24:41

But most important of all,

0:24:410:24:43

you let YOURSELF down.

0:24:430:24:45

I'm sorry, sir, but I swear, I...

0:24:450:24:47

And to compound it all,

0:24:470:24:48

you tried to pretend it was done by boys from another school.

0:24:480:24:52

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:520:24:53

We've been patient, Roy.

0:24:530:24:55

-Given you the benefit of the doubt.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:550:24:58

We've bent over backwards to accept you.

0:24:580:25:00

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:25:000:25:01

But I'm afraid this time we've reached the end of the line.

0:25:010:25:05

DOOR OPENS

0:25:050:25:07

-Oh, for crying out loud...

-Miss Sherringham, please!

0:25:070:25:10

Isn't this Crumlin's school crest?

0:25:110:25:14

Ah...

0:25:160:25:17

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

0:25:180:25:19

Yes!

0:25:210:25:22

CHOIR: # All things bright and beautiful

0:25:220:25:27

# All c-c-c-c-creatures great and small

0:25:270:25:31

# All things w-w-wise and wonderful RECORDING SKIPS

0:25:320:25:36

# The Lord God made them all. #

0:25:370:25:41

Well...

0:25:440:25:46

Seems your little Crumlin friends were clever, but not that clever.

0:25:460:25:50

They were caught on camera at the shopping precinct.

0:25:500:25:54

I...

0:25:540:25:55

should never have kept you away from school after all, Roy.

0:25:550:25:59

I erm...suppose I er...

0:25:590:26:03

owe you an apology.

0:26:030:26:05

-Sorry.

-What was that?

0:26:080:26:10

What did you say? I couldn't hear you.

0:26:100:26:12

Huh? What did you say, sir?

0:26:120:26:15

I said "Sorry"! OK?

0:26:150:26:17

So...how come the police thought it was me?

0:26:180:26:21

"So... once we got past the silly charade,

0:26:380:26:41

"it was clear the pupils were of mixed ability, good-spirited,

0:26:410:26:45

"and along with their teachers, who are obviously committed and caring,

0:26:450:26:49

"demonstrate a striking loyalty and supportiveness to each other.

0:26:500:26:55

"Unlike their Head Teacher...

0:26:560:27:01

"whose pompous, overbearing and self-serving presence

0:27:010:27:07

"is the major obstacle to the school's progress."

0:27:070:27:10

I can't put that in. HE SCORES IT OUT

0:27:110:27:14

Better play safe.

0:27:140:27:15

"Unlike the Head Teacher...

0:27:150:27:17

"..who could try...

0:27:200:27:25

"harder."

0:27:250:27:26

HE CHUCKLES

0:27:260:27:27

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0:27:540:27:56

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0:27:560:27:58

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