Roy and Me ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'the only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'It's tea time in Roy's house and tensions are running high.'

-Make me!

-Out!

-No!

-Out! Now!

NO!

Mum! Roy won't get out of my room!

Well, it's not MY fault she has the bounciest bed in the house.

Uh-oh.

So my bed's wrecked anyhow.

Paris? An eternity ring?

Oh, Noreen, you got a good one there, love.

Yes, you did. No, I mean it.

Listen, could you... Really? Oh, and champagne?

Could you hang on a second there, Noreen? Yeah, yeah. Thanks, love.

Would you two keep it down, up there? I'm on the phone!

Sorry, what was that, Noreen?

I mean it, Roy. Get out or ELSE!

Or else what? Make me!

Mum! Becky's stretching me!

Could you hang on a second there, Noreen?

I think it's the doorbell again, love. Yeah, hang on.

-Rebecca O'Brien, leave your brother alone!

-But, Mum!

I'm warning you, lady. Don't let me repeat myself!

Fine. Whatever.

CRASH

There. Happy now?

'Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?'

What was that, Noreen?

Oh! That was cool!

Can we do it again?

You are SO dead!

MUM!

Yeah, Barbados is beautiful at this time of year.

Yeah. Oh.

Oh, where's Bill?

That's a million dollar question.

-Get off me!

-I hate you!

-I hate you more!

Listen, love. Can I call you back in a couple of minutes? All right, bye!

Right! That's it! I'm fed up of both of yous!

I'm coming up that stairs, now!

BOTH: Uh-oh.

-Quick! Here she comes.

-No, you don't!

-No, I'm getting in there!

ROY AND BECKY SHOUT

The secret to a happy family? It's communication.

Now, I read that in a book I got from the library.

Once.

You see, if we have a problem, we sit down as a family and talk about it.

It's about keeping a cool head.

You don't have to rant and rave to get your point across.

-Listen to that.

-I hate you more!

-Some people. Shame, isn't it?

-I mean it, Roy! Get out, or else!

-Or else what? Make me!

Get down that stairs now, both of yous. I'm tired of separating you!

Why do you keep fighting, day in, day out? Give it in for now!

-How are you? Sorry I'm late, the traffic was brutal.

-Really(!)

-Do I smell something nice?

-Yeah, could I have a word with you?

-Yeah.

Word.

You all right?

-Get in!

-OK.

And I'm sick of you, too. Go on, out!

Look at the state of the place! Where have you been?

I'm falling apart, here, Bill! The kids are eating each other alive.

I can't cope any more!

'As a solution to family warfare,

'Granny and Granddad have come to the rescue

'and whisked the kids away on a family trip.'

-Listen. Thanks, Daddy.

-Anything for my little girl.

MAURA LAUGHS

What about YOUR little girl? Don't I get a say in this?

Cheer up.

-See ya!

-See ya, love!

-I'll bring yous back a stick of rock!

-Good man.

Don't be any longer than six months, now.

-Thanks.

-Good luck, be careful!

-See yous! Bye!

HORN BEEPS

-See yous!

-Bye!

BOTH: YES!

-What do we ought to do now?

-Oh, what DON'T we do now?

Oh, I see what you mean. I'll put the kettle on.

He's out of control.

Whoo-hoo!

Sorry, Nana. Explain this one to me again.

Why are WE sleeping in a tent if you guys have a caravan?

It's freezing!

The caravan's very small. And Granddad's a very light sleeper.

And with Roy's night-time sleeping habits,

-we can't leave him out here all night on his own, can we?

-Why not?

It's not like he's going to be abducted by aliens.

I wish!

-What's that, love?

-Oh, nothing.

Can we, can we, please can we go fishing, Granddad? Please!

Hold your horses! One thing at a time.

Now, where are the rest of my tent pegs?

Ah. Here, hold this.

I think I left them in the caravan the last time. I'll forget my head.

And you'll be delighted to know,

I got two bumper crossword puzzles for us.

Cool.

Ha-ha! You two and your crosswords.

Would you like to put your brother's camera down

-and help us catch a spot of dinner, huh?

-Er, no thanks.

-I'll stick around here and...help Nana.

-That's my girl, Nana's pet.

Oh, thanks.

Help! Granddad! Help! I'm trapped! I'm trapped in the tent!

Little hots-up, love?

Thanks, hon.

-Listen to that.

-What?

Not a peep. Not a whisper.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't suppose you've an opening in your hectic schedule for tonight?

-Maybe? At all?

-Maybe. Why?

No, I'm just... reading about this new restaurant.

-It's supposed to be very good. Chez Bill.

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-Mm.

-I booked a table for two.

Eight o'clock.

Don't be late.

Granddad, this doesn't look like a very good place to fish.

You see, this is a private place that nobody else knows.

-Granddad! Look at that fish, there!

-Sh!

Sh. We'll disturb the fish. Sh.

Thought you said no-one else knew about it.

ROY SIGHS

Have a sandwich.

ROY'S TUMMY RUMBLES

HE BURPS

I beg your pardon.

I'm Roy. That's my granddad.

Er...how are you, lads?

Anything biting today?

SHE SNIFFS

Is that egg?

HORN BEEPS

So, are you from around here?

You could say that, yeah.

HORN BEEPS

BOYS LAUGH

So, what do you do for fun, like?

You mean, apart from this, like?

THEY LAUGH

HORN BEEPS

Come on!

Er... I'll pass. Thanks.

I know something that you'll love.

-You're serious?

-Dead serious. Here, check this out!

-Knick-Nacks. How old are you? Ten?

-Sh! Wait until you see this!

-Old Tom goes totally mental.

-TOTALLY mental.

Really? Can't wait(!)

DOG BARKS

I see you run away! I see you!

There will be consequences! Oh, yes, there will!

THEY GIGGLE

Who's that? Come out of there!

Come out of there! And you, too! Get down here!

I'll...

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Granddad!

You know you said not to disturb you unless it was an emergency?

Ah, Roy, what is it now?

Well, I'm having a little trouble with my fishing line.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

You're becoming a nuisance.

HE LAUGHS

You're in a bit of tangle, all right.

-Granddad! You've got a bite!

-What?!

Granddad!

SPLASH

See? I told you you were a natural.

I have to admit it, I am good at being bad...

but don't tell anyone.

So, er, you having fun yet?

Let's just say...I'm getting there.

Becky! Becky!

Becky!

Hey, Becks. Who's he?

Hi, I'm Roy.

Is... Is that...

Is... Is that...

Is that a trout?

It is, and it's a monster!

HE MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH

Ah!

SHE HUMS

Bill? Are you sure you don't want a hand, love?

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Please do not disturb the chef

while he is painting his masterpiece! Hm?

(He hasn't done this in ages!)

If Madame would like to sit in ze lounge...

dinner will be served in approximately six minutes.

AH!

Oh...

Ah-ho!

Er... You're very good, love. Thanks.

No, it's no problem, love. Ah-ha!

Ha-a-a.

Ah-ha-a-a!

HE SINGS

VOICES WHISPER

Hi, Glen. Hi, Becks.

Oh, hi, Roy. How's it going?

Ahh.

Oh, sorry, Becks.

Roy, will you do it again? That trick you showed us earlier.

Roy, why don't you go and help Granddad with the barbeque?

Why don't YOU go and help granddad with the barbeque?

I caught the fish.

Kind of.

Roy! Remember that trick you showed us earlier? Will you do it again?

Oh, that trick. Oh, yeah.

OK, one more time. One more time.

Eureka!

-That's fantastic!

-It's cool, isn't it?

Here, high five!

-Whatever.

-That's just great.

Dinner is served!

If Madame would care to join me...

MAURA MUMBLES

Maura.

Maura.

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

HE SIGHS

Oh, well.

THEY SNORE

SNORING

I've been trying to get to sleep for three hours, now.

But you try sleeping with THAT!

HE SNORES NOISILY

'The next morning, Becky is up, bright and early.

No, you don't, young lady.

You're not doing another disappearing trick today.

What about your brother?

But Nana, Granddad and Roy are going fishing again.

I hate fishing.

There'll be no fishing today.

Granddad's in here with a terrible sniffle.

He had me up all night with his sinus.

I know the feeling!

I'm fine, Rose. Give me a few minutes to un-clog myself and I'll be grand.

You're not going anywhere, so stay put and shut your gob.

Yes, boss.

Sorry, Becky, love.

But I'm meeting my friends.

Sure, love. Go along, meet your friends.

It won't kill you to take Roy with you.

I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the crab shop later on

and buy you a little surprise.

-Fantastic(!)

-That's a good girl.

TENT UNZIPS

Morning, Nan. Morning, Becks.

Had a great sleep last night.

So, what's for breakfast?

HORN BEEPS

Beep! Beep! Ha-ha-ha!

Come on. Come on, Becks! It's the best thing ever!

HORN BLARES

Go on. Show us another one, then.

Check this one out. It's gross!

Roy's pretty amazing, like.

Not really. He's just like any other annoying little brother.

Only more so.

I wish my little brother could do stuff like that.

Yeah...wanna swap?

Someone got out the wrong side of the tent this morning.

Don't get me started.

Watch this.

Hello, Glen. You're so ni-i-ice.

HE MAKES KISSING NOISES

I do like your hair.

I'm Rebecca, from the big city.

Roy! That's it, Roy! Go back to the tent, now!

-Why?

-You know why!

Now go!

I don't have to if I don't want to.

-Yeah, come on.

-Yeah, lighten up a bit.

Fine! I'll go then.

I don't want to ruin all your crazy fun!

Fine. See you around. Come on, Roy. Let's move.

See you later, Becks!

Do you know what?

I haven't been able to get my hands on this baby for years!

-What's that, love?

-Ah, nothing.

-Could you get up, there?

-Yeah.

-If you don't mind.

-Yeah.

-Thanking you.

Now...

Look at you!

I thought I'd make the most of all that hot water. No queues either!

-This is the life, isn't it?

-Oh, you said it, Bill.

I haven't been this relaxed in yonks.

Me, neither.

-I don't know what to be doing with myself.

-Mm.

You've made yourself very comfortable.

I thought I'd watch the match.

Seems strange, though, watching the match without Roy here.

Yeah... Yeah, it does.

Becky'd normally have all her friends over by now.

SHE LAUGHS

She'd be telling me not to talk to them,

cos I embarrass her.

Go on. You say it first.

Nope. You say it.

I'll tell you what - we both say it, right? At the same time.

-OK.

-After three.

Ready?

One.

Two.

-Th...

-I miss the kids!

I'm glad you said that, cos so do I.

-Really?

-Yeah. Really.

Must be going soft in my old age, but...

Now I miss the madness, you know?

Oh, Bill. So do I.

-I'll tell you what.

-What?

-You go out, put the kettle on.

And while you're there, dig out the baby pictures - we'll have a giggle.

Great idea. Let's see if we can find one where Becky's smiling.

THEY LAUGH

I won't hold my breath.

-Becky?

-Hi, Nana. Hi, Granddad.

Ah, how's my favourite girl?

What's wrong, Becky? Where's Roy?

Roy. Roy, Roy, Roy. Why does it always have to be about Roy?

What about me for a change?

Here. Sit down, Becky.

Just sit down here.

Now, take a deep breath and just tell me all about it.

I'll just pretend to be asleep, if that's all right.

I'm useless at this stuff.

We should say something to Roy, like.

Not a word, he's just a kid. He doesn't need to know anything. OK?

Hi.

Have you got any crisps? I love crisps.

I love ready salted, I love cheese and onion, I love salt and vinegar,

Oh, have you got any Bovril-flavoured crisps?

I'm Roy. I'm here on holiday with my sister, Becks,

but she's always losing her head at me.

All right, now, Professor Crispy.

-Prepare to insert the mints into the bottle.

-I am now adding the mints...

-into the bottle.

-Cool. Where did yous get all that stuff?

What? Er... Earlier on, in another shop. Down the road.

Professor Willie, the lid.

Check.

I am now applying the old shake-aroonie.

Please stand at a safe distance.

Rubbish. I told you, never believe anything you see on the internet.

No, wait...

EXPLOSION

THEY LAUGH

Look at it!

Oh, wow!

Never saw it go THAT high before.

Hold on a sec, lads. I have an idea. Have you got any mints left?

I thought you'd like that one - you and Roy together.

I think that's a lovely photograph.

I remember the first time your mum and dad brought Roy home.

You used to dote on him.

You had him spoilt rotten.

Things were different then, Nana.

Not that different. You were the very first one to make him smile.

He worshipped you...

and still does.

I just wish that he'd give me some space every once in a while.

Space? Roy is the same person he always was.

He's just looking for the attention from his big sister.

He's mad about you.

He's got a funny way of showing it.

He is a funny one, our Roy.

Takes after his granddad.

Listen to your grandmother, Becks. She's a very wise woman.

-I see your sniffles didn't do any harm to your hearing.

-What? Pardon?

Now, go and get your brother.

And I was only messing about the crab shop.

-Thanks, Nana.

-Ah.

Where ARE you, Roy?

Oh... Oh-h...

-HE BURPS

-Roy?

-Whoa!

-Roy!

Any joy?

Still going straight to message.

-I'm beginning to get worried now.

-Don't be silly.

You know the mobile reception down there is brutal.

If anything was wrong, your dad would have called us.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I'm just being silly.

Look at this. If I know Roy,

he's bouncing around, having the time of his life.

Look at him go!

Oh, good man! Go on!

All right, lads. I'll do more for yous this time, right?

Go on, go for it. There's more right there.

THEY LAUGH

Never seen anything like it!

Good man! Now the mints, go for it.

-Here he goes.

-Go on. Go on.

-OK.

Here we go.

THEY LAUGH

OK, here he goes.

HE BURPS

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

LADS! Ah!

-That's the end of the mints, now.

-Is it?

-No, we got more here, somewhere.

Don't worry. I'll get Roy to hop on down to the shops. Roy?

-Roy?

-Roy?

-He was just there a second ago.

-Did you see him?

-Where'd he go, lads?

Roy? Roy?

HIS TEETH CHATTER

Come on, Roy. Just jump, you'll be fine.

Jump! It's not as high as it looks, like.

Wait, I want to make sure I'm getting this.

What's going on? Did you see Roy?

Roy! What are you doing up there?

Becky! Help! I'm stuck!

What's the problem? He'll just bounce off the ground.

He's a cartoon. He can't get hurt.

He's 11 years old, you idiot! And he's terrified!

-Hang on, Roy!

-Becks, I'm really sorry I was mean to you.

-Just please get me down!

-Just a minute.

-We're going to have to catch him.

-What? I'm busy.

This is serious. There isn't enough time to get help, it's too far.

What's the big deal?

The big deal, Glen, is that my baby brother is stuck up that tree.

And I'm blaming you...

and you...

and you.

And if anything happens to him, you're going to have to answer to me.

Do you understand?

Do as she says.

Quick! I think I'm going to belch again.

-Roy, you're going to have to jump.

-I can't!

Roy, I've always been there to catch you, and I always will be.

You're just going to have to trust me. I promise you'll be OK.

And a promise is a promise.

All right, I'm going to do it.

Quick, link arms.

-This isn't going to work.

-Yes it is, now shut up and hold steady.

OK.

Three.

Two.

One. AHH!

Oh, my back!

Roy, are you OK?

I think so. Thanks for catching me.

Not a problem.

Just...don't do it again.

Oh, no. Banjaxed!

I'M banjaxed!

As for you.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY messes with my brother.

That's my job!

And don't you forget it!

Come on, Roy.

That was really cool.

-Really?

-Really!

'After an eventful weekend, Roy and Becky are heading home.'

That was a grand little break, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was great(!)

Oh, look, Becky, there's your little friend.

-What's this?

-I don't know... It just...

-Right, come on. Let's go.

BECKY LAUGHS

Oh.

Hello? We're home!

Ah, Becky! Roy! Ah, there yous are.

We've been trying to ring yous all day!

-Yeah, well, I ran out of credit. Is anything up?

-No.

-No.

-Roy, have you got taller, love?

-Mum, you're squishing me.

-Sorry, love.

Is everything OK? Have you guys been fighting again?

No, we're just happy to see yous both.

Is that a crime?

So, did you miss us?

Come on.

Roy is...

a pain.

But my Nana says that a family that argues together, stays together.

Which means...

..that we must be extremely close.

So there you go.

SHE SNIFFS

Ew, manky!

Roy, Becky, it's time for bed, loves. It's been a cra...

Look, I'd leave them like that for a while.

Kinda like them that way.

Oh, yeah.

'Things are finally back to normal in the O'Brien house.'

ROY SNORES

Eurgh! Gross! Roy, get off me, now!

Mum!

Dad!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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