Foot Fat Fit ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in,

'but it's very hard to stay out of trouble...when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-o-oy!

Ro-o-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

ALL: Ro-o-o-oy!

'The big day is looming.

'The crunch fixture in the school sporting calendar.

'Ballyfermot versus Crossdale.

'It's a final trial session, as the kids play for a place in the team.'

-Get up out of that, O'Brien!

-I'm sore!

ROY WHEEZES

Come on, O'Brien, keep up!

Who-o-o-a!

-BOTH: Oh!

-Who-o-o-a! Urgh-huh!

'This is a chance for Ballyfermot

'to win the Junior Schools Football Challenge Cup,

'and lay the ghosts of the past 19 years to rest.'

Mr Hogan thinks we're in with a chance this year.

If we beat Crossdale, that'll be so cool! I mean...making history!

Bally, Bally, Bally who?

ALL: Bally, Ballyfermot!

Ah, lads, stop! Ah-ha-ha!

Steady on, Roy. Got to make the team first!

-Roy?

-I'm putting him down as a sub. You want to take over?

-No, no!

-Like you did last year?

-No, you're the boss.

And the year before that?

A good Head knows when to stand back.

Are you sure about Roy? Look, he's a loose cannon, a law unto himself.

If we're going to have any chance of beating Crossdale,

we need to be a tight, organised and disciplined unit!

-He's only the sub!

-Yeah, but you might have to put him on.

Roy's a bit of a wildcard, but you never know.

-He might have something!

-We can't afford any weak links!

We need to be careful how we put it to him.

We don't want to say it's because he's a...you know.

A cartoon!

-You know how self-conscious he gets about that.

-So what do we say?

I'm sure you'll think of something.

He's a dope!

OK, listen up, Squad.

This is the team that will play against Crossdale next week.

Jack Koprowski.

Ciara Whelan.

Kevin O'Connor.

Liam Green.

Kathy Cunningham.

Laura Murphy.

Alex O'Shea.

And on the substitutes' bench...

-Tommy Byrne.

-CLANK

Everyone who's been selected,

meet here tomorrow after school for training. 4:30 prompt, OK?

Better luck next time, Roy.

Sir? Sir? Mr Hogan?

Yes, Roy?

I was just wondering, I didn't hear me name called out, and I...

Look, Roy, I'm sorry you didn't quite make it this time, because...

-Yes?

-..you need...to get fit.

-Fit?

-Yes, fit! This is going to be a tough physical game.

We can't afford any passengers.

I'm sorry.

Fit? We ARE fit!

Blu-urp! This family does not do unfit! Blu-urp! Manners.

-Did we over-order again, love?

-Yeah. Blurp!

-Ah, Bill.

Look at your man, look!

-Fat?

-I think that's what he said.

-Fat.

-Roy?

-Yeah.

-Chubby?

-He said he was pudgy.

-Pudgy?

-Blobby!

The Blob. I think he said the Blob.

-Lardy Boy.

-Mr Hogan called him Lardy Boy?

-Yeah.

BELL RINGS

Getting an elastic band, Roy?

-It's a gastric band!

-Oh, leave him alone.

Sinead, d'you think I'm fat?

No! You're more...hmmm...

Yes?

..cuddly. Squeezy?

Squeezy?!

Who drew this?!

Don't all shout at once(!)

-Kathy.

-Mr Hogan said Roy was fat.

-Wha?!

-No, he called him...!

I don't care who called what! I'll have you know now that, one,

drawings caricaturing other pupils are unacceptable, and two,

even if Roy WERE fat, which he ISN'T, we do not call people fat nowadays!

What do we call them, Miss?

Erm...proportionally challenged!

People can't help how they look, so you've got to be sensitive.

Oh, Mr Hammond, what exactly did Mr Hogan say to Roy?

Look, he was adamant that Roy was to be left out of the football team,

so I told him that I thought he ought to be careful

about the way he broke it to him.

-So, he said he was too fat?

-Did he?!

Oh! Now, that is bang out of order!

They're right! I am fat!

SQUELCH

Hate being fat.

Oh, I really want to make the team.

You're not fat!

But how do people lose weight?

They exercise.

They spend too much time watching TV or sitting at the computer,

but you're...

Roy?

He's jogging. He's got his heart set on getting into that team, hasn't he?

-How about giving him a bit of support?

-Yeah?

-I mean, you could do with the...

-I could do with the what?

When was the last time you went down that gym?

Oh, I go to that gym...all the time.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-So next time, take Roy with you.

-Right.

-Kylemore Road.

-It's Kylemore Road.

-Opposite the...

-Beside the...

-..recycling.

-Recycling...shop.

-Dump!

-Dump, yeah. I know where this is!

'Bill leads by example and takes Roy to the gym.'

OK, so you've got your speed setting here,

and your gradient setting here.

Going to start you off nice and gentle, OK?

Oh, look. Ho-ho! That's good.

-I'll leave you to it. Shout if you need me.

-Good man.

-Brilliant, isn't it?

-Yeah. You going to have a go?

Yes. Yes, I'll, I'll get up now in a minute,

I'm just letting you... settle in.

BEEP

Dad? Dad? Da-a-ad!

Dad! Dad! A-a-agh! Dad! Help me!

Sorry, you wouldn't hop over for a second, would you?

A-agh, a-agh, a-agh! Dad! Oh!

ROY GASPS

Yeah, we should probably try the park instead, shouldn't we, son?

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

I'm jogging!

Yeah! You told me to get some exercise!

Aren't you supposed to be at training?

I don't need to be there, Roy. My name was first on the list.

He kind of builds the team around me.

Anyway, it's just running around little red cones.

You should come here. I've got Barcelona away!

No, Jack! I really want to make that team!

What's the point, anyway? We're just going to get beaten.

I'm just going to make sure we don't get a hiding!

Hey, I just nutmegged Messi!

Congratulations(!)

'It's the 20th year of the competition,

'and with just one week to go to the big game, we asked Mr Hammond,

'the head teacher, exactly how important this was to the school.'

Of course, it'd be great to beat Crossdale,

but at the end of the day it's the taking part that counts.

If those kids do their best, play fair in a sportsmanlike way,

then that's far more important than any piece of silverware.

Nothing's happening. I'm doing all this exercise but I can't shift it!

Your calories out have to exceed your calories in.

-What sort of things do you eat?

-Food!

I know, but it's got to be the right food, and less of it!

Like when you're feeling full, stop!

You can eat pulses, grains, fruit...

-Tommy, can I have...?

-No crackling.

-Just a bit?

-No.

-Just the teeniest, weeniest...?

-Roy, read my lips.

No crackling!

ROAST SIZZLES

I tell ya, you're right, Maura. That boy is serious.

That's the first time ever Roy's said no to crackling.

Not like him, you know.

Not like him at all.

Roy, you're supposed to knock.

-Becky, have you ever been on a diet?

-No, why?

Well, Mr Hogan says I've got to get fit to make the football team.

So I need to know about diets.

OK, which one? Low fat, low carb? Seven day, three day, one day?

Two hour, ten minute, Atkins, South Beach, Beverly Hills?

Roy, forget it. They don't make a blind bit of difference.

He's out there first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

172...173.

Wish he'd give himself a rest. He hasn't touched his computer in days.

Is it me, or is he getting skinnier?

Roy? Breakfast!

I think I've lost weight. I can't tell how much.

Couldn't get the scales to work.

DOORBELL RINGS

Stay where yous are. I'll get that.

Hi, Tommy. You were right. This calorie thing's a doddle!

Mr Hogan said if you don't come to training,

-he'll bump you to a sub.

-What does HE know about football?

-You see what I see?

-Is that...?

What's up, lads? Why are yous all looking at me?

Roy, you, you look...different.

Yeah. Had a haircut.

No, you, er...

Lost a few pounds. Mr Hogan's going to be well pleased!

Definitely have a chance of joining the team now!

-Ergh! He's well skinny, don't you think?

-Yeah!

Sticky!

-Sticky?

-Sticky the Stick Insect!

Sinead, do you think I'm skinny?

No, you're...

Yes?

-Svelte.

-Svelte?

It's French. It's what they call supermodels.

OK, class. Settle down.

I'll be glad when this is over. Tommy,

can you help me move this board?

-Hey, Miss!

-Oh! Roy!

So...do you think I'm trim?

Er...that's one way of putting it!

It's rude to stare, Miss.

Oh! OK...Roy, er, sit down!

Who drew this?

I told you, picking on people because of their appearance is unacceptable!

But Roy's so skinny, Miss!

And we don't say skinny!

What do we say?

Erm...

..proportionally...

Sorry, Miss Sheringham! May I borrow, just for a few minutes,

Alex, Jack, Tommy, Kathy,

Liam, Laura,

-Kevin and, erm...

-Sir? Sir?

-..Ciara!

Quick as you can!

-Carry on, Miss Sheringham.

-Sir?

Sir? Erm, what about me? Sir! Sir! Sir, what about me! Oof!

I've been running, I've been doing keepy-uppies, I even had celery!

I didn't say you were too fat!

I said you needed to get fit!

This is going to be a tough, brawny, physical game.

You'll get blown away!

Now you're too thin!

What do I do, Tommy?

I didn't say starve yourself!

If you burn up calories, you've got to put them back on.

How? Eat what?

Eat anything. Anything at all to put the calories back on.

That's what Doctor Rashid said.

All that dieting and exercising wasn't good for him.

The lad's famished. He needs feeding!

ROY BURPS

Pardon.

ROY'S BELLY RUMBLES

-ROY BURPS

-Pardon.

Ah! Ah! Just for Roy!

There. Another breakfast like that tomorrow,

and you'll be back to your old self in no time.

ROY BURPS

-Pardon...

-Don't bother!

ROY GROANS

'It's the day of the big game.

'Will Roy finally stand a chance of making the team?'

Roy, you'll be late for school.

Ma, I can't get out of me bed!

Stop messing around! Open the door!

-I haven't locked it! I'm stuck!

-What d'you mean?!

Ah, Bill, it's blocked or something!

Will you give over?! Just needs a little shove. Watch. Look.

-Mind yourself there, now.

-Sorry, love.

-It's all right.

-Lovely.

Oh, Bill!

-Go on, love.

-Wait will you? Don't shake the ladder.

I'm not shaking it!

-What in the name of...?!

-What's going on?

I don't know. Maybe we can winch him down!

He's not a piano, Bill! I'm going to phone Doctor Rashid.

-What are you calling him for?

-Well, something's wrong with him!

We're going to have to take the window frame off or something.

Before we do anything drastic, let me examine him.

-Oh right, yeah!

-Can I take your bag?

-Yeah, thanks Maura.

OK, Roy, I'm coming in.

How-a-yeh, Doctor Rashid?

Hi...oh! Well, what have you been up to, then?!

Well, I think I ate too much last night.

-I think you did!

-I'm trying to get into the football team, you see.

Uh-huh. OK, just breathe in, just relax!

Right. Hopefully, we'll get through today without any inter...

..uptions. Not again!

So, I think it's best we start with the flat back-four,

reverting to a diamond in case they...

-Sorry, did you want something?

-No, no. Carry on.

Just give me a minute. Just...

Go on! Good lad.

-Oh, Roy! Thank goodness!

-Now, d'you see what's happened?

All that crash dieting has left his metabolism low.

-He can't digest all his food.

-Will he get back to normal, Doctor?

Eventually, but let this be a lesson to us all, OK.

Whether you're human or a cartoon,

crash dieting and bingeing is dangerous.

I'm always saying that to you! Can you manage the stairs, son?

Good man.

That's it.

You're very good to call, Doctor Rashid. Come in for a cup of tea.

Greece versus Portugal, 2004.

Perfect example of how an inferior team can hold out,

if they pack their defence, and play for penalties. Ah, Miss Sheringham.

Can I have my pupils back, please?

You're free this afternoon, aren't you?

What's this?

That button's for record and that's for zoom.

I've put in a three-hour tape, that should cover extra time, penalties

and post-match celebrations, so...

anything else she needs to know, Phil?

Take the lens cap off.

Providing he goes back to eating normally,

that is, eating a balanced diet, he should stabilise.

POP

Can I go back to school, now?

I think you need to take it easy today, Roy. How d'you feel?

Grand. The big game's today.

Son, it's a little late to make the team now, I think.

Maybe next year, love.

You can still go and watch, Roy.

Yeah, I suppose.

OK, stick to the plan. Keep pushing up, hold your line, stay focused.

Sorry. Dad took me to that megastore in Liffey Valley to get kitted out.

-Jack, get changed. You're dropped.

-Huh?

You've missed every training session and team talk.

-You clearly have an attitude problem!

-Me?! Attitude problem!

Go and join the rest of the school.

Tommy, you're on. Alex, drop into midfield.

Alex, drop into midfield!

Drop into midfield?

One, two, three...

ALL: Ballyfermot!

Hi, Jack. Where you going?

-I'm going home.

-Ah, come on!

-Don't go home!

We've got a chant! Bally, Bally, Bally who?

BOTH: Bally, Ballyfermot!

Right, I'll stay. But I'm not doing any singing.

Looks like we'll have to make do without a sub.

No, we've got a sub, all right. Someone with the right attitude.

Roy?!

Look, Phil, I know you're the coach, but...

Yes! I'm the coach!

Roy!

W-we have a chance, sir.

Roy, warm up.

What?

You're sub!

Ha!

Barney.

Derek.

Good luck.

And you.

Ah-ah-ah! Still technically ours, Derek!

What's that they say about 20 consecutive wins,

and you get to keep the cup?

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING FROM CROWD

-Bally, Bally, Bally who?

-Bally, Ballyfermot!

-Bally, Bally, Bally who?

-Bally, Ballyfermot!

WHISTLE BLASTS

Referee!

-Bally, Bally, Bally who?

-Bally, Ballyfermot!

Get back!

-No, Catherine, come back!

-No, please. No, please!

Ye-es!

-That's a penalty!

-What?!

-It is! A penalty!

Good man, Ref! Good man, Ref, thank you!

Oh, me ankle!

Does it hurt?

No, I thought I'd play Twister(!) Of course it hurts!

Try walking on it.

What?

Roy! You're on!

What?! Phil, are you sure about this? I mean, give her a minute.

-She might get better!

-Ow-w!

Roy, keep calm and focused, OK?

Focused, yeah. Focused.

Focus! Come on, focus!

Focus! Come on, focus!

Whoa! Oof!

BIRDS TWEET

CROWD: Come on, Crossdale! Come on, Crossdale!

ALL: Ye-e-es!

Whoa! That's not allowed!

-He missed it!

-Something happened, there!

-Goal kick! Get back in your box!

-I want to see that again.

Can you rewind that?

In slow motion.

-Roy saved it!

-Sorry, corner!

-What?

-I don't believe it! We're in their half!

One minute to go! If we can just hold on!

Corner.

-Go on, Roy, last kick of the game! Might as well get there.

-What?!

-Me?!

-No! Roy, no!

-Go on, up you go!

-Stay, Roy! No, no!

WHISTLE BLASTS

Who-o-o-o-oa!

A-agh, urgh!

-CROWD: Ye-e-eah!

-Did I get it?!

I got it! Whoo!

Atta-boy, Roy!

You're a star, Roy! What did I tell you?

How can you give that?!

No foul, no offside and the ball was over the line.

-Quite a bit over, actually.

-No, I mean...

-What?

-Well...

he's a cartoon!

-Yes?

-There's got to be something in the rules about that!

Very well. Let's have a look.

Size of pitch, duration, ball...ah, players!

Unsporting behaviour, illegal kit, earrings, undergarments displaying

slogans or advertising, vuvuzelas, dancing with corner flags...nope!

Nothing there about cartoons being not allowed. The goal stands!

What?! CROWD: Ye-e-es!

You can't be serious!

No! No!

I see this victory as a sort of...metaphor for the school.

How we cherish the values of team spirit and solidarity.

How we recognise individual talent when we see it.

But most important of all, how we are prepared to take the risk

and give it a chance.

To dare is to do!

-What?

-Could the kids have a look at it, now?!

So, you weren't upset about not playing, Jack?

Nah. Anyway, next year when I'm back in the team, it'll be 10-0!

I keep telling you, Roy. You're fine the way you are.

Yeah!

Hey, Jack, are you coming outside to play?

Nah, all that fresh air! Gross!

BILL BURPS

THEY LAUGH

BILL BURPS

BILL BURPS

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that was me best one!

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