Roy's Review ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy wants is to fit in.

'But it's hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon.'

ROY!

ROY!

ROY!

HE SNORES

ALL: Roy!

Heh-heh!

'It's Wednesday, at Ballyfermot,

'and Mr Hammond has received a rather alarming phone call.'

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come.

KNOCK ON DOOR

COME!

You wanted to see me?

I'll get straight to the point, Miss Sheringham.

I've just had a call from the school board.

They're sending over a new member of the committee.

Marjorie Hegarty.

I'm sure it's just a routine visit.

Well, the inspector gave us a glowing report last year.

Well, once we got past the silly charade,

it was clear the pupils were of mixed ability.

Good-spirited, and along with their teachers who are obviously

"committed and caring,

"demonstrate a striking loyalty and supportiveness to each other.

"Unlike the head teacher,

"whose pompous, overbearing and self-serving presence

"is the major obstacle to the school's progress."

I can't put that in.

Better play safe.

"Unlike the head teacher

"who could

"try harder".

Yes, yes. Whatever she asks, Miss Sheringham.

We have to give things the best possible positive spin.

-When does this Miss Hegarty arrive?

-Erm...Ah!

-Mr Hammond. Nice to see you.

-Miss Hogarty. Hegarty!

This is Miss Showingham. Eh, Sheringham!

-If we could, please?

-Yes, of course!

(Excuse us!)

OK. Let's talk about Roy O'Brien.

Erm, Roy. I thought we were here to...

How do you feel he's been getting on?

Roy O'Brien is a role model to the other pupils.

One has only to look at his recent charity work to realise.

D'you want a hand with that?

-Thanks a million. You're a natural.

-No problem, missus!

THEY CHATTER

HE PLAYS OUT OF TUNE

Roy! Look at all the money Roy's collected, Miss!

How did you manage to raise so much money?

I did a bit of busking, Miss.

Busking?!

I never knew you were so talented.

Yeah. Well, neither did I.

Roy. As you raised the most money,

I think you should be in the photo, too.

Thanks, Miss! That's cool.

I'll just slip in here.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Say, "Cheese".

ALL: Cheese!

He's a positive PR magnet.

Is he possibly a trouble magnet, too?

I don't follow.

What about the business with the sprinkler system?

Where's the folks, Roy?

They're voting, then they're seeing my granny and grandda.

They'll be there for ages.

Be sure and look quick. Our school's on TV?

We're outside Ballyfermot school, where, frankly, the scene is chaotic.

SIRENS WAIL

Voting in the elections has been disrupted,

and may have to be abandoned.

Trouble occurred as the school's security system

apparently malfunctioned,

locking the voters and officials inside,

while the sprinkler system went off,

dousing everyone in freezing, cold water.

It took attending firemen

almost an hour to gain entry, and free the traumatised inhabitants.

Whoa! Look!

Now, that's a result!

Yes!

It's gone!

I've never been so humiliated!

Determined to vote, I nearly end up half-drowned!

Just get out of the wet clothes. It'll be grand.

We were trapped for hours. I thought I would freeze to death.

If I find out what little devil was responsible, I'll...

Roy?!

ROY GULPS

Well, that's certainly different.

Well, that was down to some

security problem.

Roy, Roy is...

a unique asset to the school.

Unique? Yes. Hmm.

-Could you send Miss Sheringham in, please?

-Yes.

Yes, of course.

Roy shouldn't know what's going on.

Oh! Absolutely. Yes.

Quite!

Miss Sheringham.

You've been teaching Roy for some time.

How's he doing?

Well, it's been a bit of a struggle for him, fitting in.

But he's getting there.

Getting there?

OK.

We'll start with science. The frog-dissection class?

Not so fast, everyone!

After lunch, we will be looking at

more amphibians.

Namely, the frog.

And, as you can see,

I've brought in two of them,

to help us with our studies.

Miss Sheringham? Are we going to be asking them questions?

SHE LAUGHS

Cathy, we're not going to ask them questions.

We're going to...

We're going to...

..dissect them!

Right.

Miss Sheringham has very kindly asked me to perform

today's dissection.

And, here...

Here is what we have to look forward to.

THEY GASP

Glasses?

Scalpel?

The chloroform

will knock the frogs out.

So they won't feel any pain,

at all.

Ha-ha!

And, now

we introduce

the frogs!

THEY LAUGH

Right. What's going on here?

Where are the frogs?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Somebody's made

a very bad mistake.

HE GULPS

Bit of cake, lads?

BOTH: No!

FROGS: Ribbit!

That's totally sick!

And kind of cool, as well.

Roy, I never knew you were such an animal lover.

Oh, yeah. Me? Are you joking?

I love animals. They're great!

Still, though. It would have been kind of cool to see their guts.

-Oh!

-What?

You should release them into the wild, Roy.

It's the best thing for them.

-And you don't want to get attached.

-Attached?!

-Yeah.

-To frogs?!

-Yeah.

Attached to frogs?!

Well, yes.

His behaviour was a bit spirited,

but it demonstrates a deeply principled nature.

Fair enough.

Do you feel he's struggling in places?

In some areas, but he's very keen to learn.

He just devours knowledge.

I've looked at these books all week,

and my eyes are going like this!

Yeah, but that's no good on its own.

It's going straight in, and out the other side.

You've got to digest the information.

Hmm.

Digest?

Chew it. Absorb it. Swallow it.

Like we do with food.

So, if I did, I don't know,

this?

Mm.

Roy, what are you doing?

OK.

Test me.

-Roy, it doesn't work like that.

-TEST ME!

-What's the capital of Finland?

-Helsinki.

Whoa! It works!

Mm.

Mm-mm.

What's the name of the ship that got sunk by an iceberg

in 1912?

Titanic!

Whoa!

What causes bubonic plague?

-The rat flea.

-Right again!

What vegetables contain folic acid?

Broccoli, sprouts, cabbage.

This is great!

Try me on my geography.

What causes rainfall?

Evaporation, condensation, and precipitation.

Right. First question.

"What causes bubonic plague?"

Hey! I know this!

Helsinki!

What?

That isn't right.

"What's the name of the ship that hit an iceberg

in 1912?

Broccoli, sprouts and cabbage.

That isn't right, either.

Erm,

"What's the capital of Finland?"

Chrysanthemum?!

What?

"Express 2/3 as a decimal."

Oh! Uh?

Oh, no!

ALL: Oh!

-Roy!

-My papers!

Roy, please. Try not to disturb the other pupils.

Sorry, Miss.

HE BURPS

You did it again!

Did you see that?

Class, just settle down, now!

HE BURPS

What was that?

Roy, if you're really not feeling well...

OK, just you continue with your papers, class.

I'm going to bring Roy...

That's much better now!

Perhaps that was hardly the ideal conclusion to an exam.

No.

-What are you up to?

-Nothing, I was just...

Listening, weren't you?

Disgraceful!

-What did you hear?

-It's about Roy.

-Between you and me, he won't be round here much longer.

-Oh, no!

Shift, will you?

What are you doing here?

-I wish I knew, son!

-Just a parent/teacher meeting.

-Whoa!

-No, Roy.

There you go, son. Go on, we'll see you later.

-Thanks for seeing me at short notice.

-No problem.

-Nora O'Brien.

-William.

Good evening, sir. Mrs O'Brien? Thank you.

-How would

-I

-say he's fitted in?

Brilliant!

I mean, he's very active in the sports.

He's always helping out the old folks

He's generally made a lot of friends.

But are they the right type of friends?

There's mention of a graffiti incident.

We're all clear, fellas!

Well done, Roy!

Are you sure we have permission for this?

Permission?! Did it ever occur to you why you're the lookout, Roy?

I just think that...

Leave the thinking to us. Don't be such a square!

Keep those peepers peeled, all right?

Fine!

Hey, Jack!

Yeah, I'm hanging out with my new mates.

We're doing some cool stuff. Isn't that right?

BOTH: Yeah!

School? Who needs school?

School's for losers. Isn't that right?

BOTH: Yeah!

SIREN BLEEPS

SPEAKER: Security, go to the service bay.

Let's scatter! Move!

Hey, fellas? Where are you going?

You forgot your bag!

SPEAKER: Security, go to the service bay!

Fellas!

Roy...

we know you're in there.

Hammond wants you back in school. You're not suspended any more.

Oh! What's that smell?

It's only chicken curry. I actually quite like the smell of it.

Oi! What are you doing back there?

-Quickly!

-Come on!

Give me the bag, I'll tell you later.

Come back here!

-Yeah, that...was more of a misunderstanding, really.

-Yeah.

But weren't the police involved?

-What's going on?

-Well...

Hello! Ha-ha! I think you have the wrong day.

Police liaison day is next month.

-Are you the head teacher?

-Derek Hammond. Pleased to meet you.

We've been informed that a group of kids - pupils from your school -

were seen running loose, unsupervised during school hours,

-in the shopping centre.

-What?!

More seriously, there have been several incidents

of graffiti and criminal damage

across the town centre this lunchtime.

What's that got to do with us?

We've had a very strong tip-off

that the suspect is a student from this school.

May I?

Class, don't worry. The police just want to ask us a few questions

-but I know this is nothing to do with us.

-What happened, Miss?

-There's been some graffiti in the town and...

-The shopping centre,

the bus station...

the leisure centre.

We have reason to believe the suspect

is a pupil from Ballyfermot School.

That's where I think you are out of line.

-I know my class and not one of them would ever...

-Roy.

It wasn't me. Honest.

-Is this your bag, son?

-Hm-mm.

-You don't mind if I just...

-Well, actually.

..have a little peep. See what's inside.

But it's not mine, it's the...

CLASS GASPS

See, we're just concerned about the incident

and its impact on the school.

For your information, Miss Hagerty, Roy was completely innocent

and was proven so by the police.

And if you bothered to check your facts,

you would see that my son was the VICTIM in all of this.

He's done nothing wrong!

(Terribly sorry.)

Why would somebody need so many pencils anyway?

Seriously, lads, something's going down.

You should've seen the way me mam and dad were.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Well, I have heard a few rumours.

-What rumours?

-Look, Roy,

-we've heard you're being moved to another school.

-What?!

Don't worry, Roy.

-I'm sure everything will be OK.

-OK, you lot.

To my office now, please.

Not you, Roy...

but I will need you later.

-Don't go anywhere.

-As if.

Mr Hammond, are you chucking Roy out of the school?

Nobody is chucking anybody out of anywhere.

Now, to my office, please.

You, too, Kathy.

Quick!

So, then, Roy. It must be wonderful having a cartoon friend.

-Someone so fun, someone so cool.

-Cool, Roy?

Aye, he's a good laugh and a great mate,

-he's always there when you need him.

-Or not there!

Er, heel!

Stay!

-Mr Grange, I'm so hungry.

-Stop!

Buzz off!

-I beg your pardon?

-No, not you. That.

-Wha...

-Right.

Wah, Mummy!

THEY LAUGH

And he always puts his friends first.

So how do you feel about him taking your place on the quiz team?

Roy...

What is the largest landmass in the world?

The supercontinent of Africa Eurasia.

Who invented the flush toilet?

Sir John Harrington.

What do fried spiders taste like?

-Nuts.

-I told him that!

Roy, you're brilliant.

I'm making YOU quiz team captain.

But, sir, I'm quiz team captain?

Were, Tommy.

Were.

You can be first reserve.

It's probably for the best, Tommy. I'm now much smarter than you.

-Well, everyone makes mistakes.

-I know, Tommy.

Kathy, what do you think of Roy?

-Would you miss him if he weren't at Ballyfermot?

-Miss...

Well, I'd definitely miss Roy.

-Go on, Kathy.

-He's good fun and we get on SO well.

-Ah, poor little Roy isn't getting a puppy.

-Get lost, Kathy.

-Why don't you make me?

-Shut up, no-one's talking to you.

Don't tell me to shut up, you shut up!

ALL: Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight...

Kathy, Roy, stop that at once!

Right. The next person to start commotion gets detention.

It's Kathy's fault, Miss, she was the one who started it.

I don't care who started it. You are all on your final warning.

Dogs are disgusting enough, imagine one with you as its owner.

-Grr!

-What do you want?

-Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!

-Get away from me, stop it.

Miss, tell him!

Roy O'Brien, what do you think you are doing?

ROY BARKS LIKE A DOG Go on, Roy!

If you bite me, I'll sue!

-Roy!

-Woof, woof, woof, woof!

Grr! Grr!

ROY GROWLS

Woof, woof, woof!

Roy, are you OK?

Err, ahh, er.

You'll be late for lunch, Roy.

'Will I give you extra crackling, Roy?'

Tommy, quick!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoaaa!

Ooh! Oof!

Roy O'Brien. Why am I not surprised?

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.

Me floor!

I didn't mean it, it wasn't my fault, sir.

Oh!

Burst him! Burst him!

Ah, no, no!

Oh! Oof!

Sorry, Roy, didn't see you coming.

The claw!

ROY SCREAMS

Roy!

Ask anyone.

-What was that about?

-What?

-Don't play games, what are you up to?

OK, I'll speak slowly so you can keep up.

Having Roy around keeps things interesting.

Besides, now he owes me big-time.

You are so totally into him.

We have to do something about this, things are starting to look bad.

-You can't let this happen.

-It's not fair.

Thanks, but I'll just get this over with.

Move away from the door.

Now!

Thank you.

Right, we're not having this. Sinead, you go to the art room.

Alex, you get Mr Hogan's megaphone. Tommy, you're with me.

Whatever it takes, Roy O'Brien is staying.

-One, two, three, four. ALL:

-We won't take it any more!

Two, four, six, eight.

-ALL:

-Roy stays here, we think he's great!

-Quiet, everyone!

-How is this going to look in Miss Hagerty's report?

-For you, you mean.

-What?

-That's why you haven't spoken up for Roy.

Too busy worried about your reputation.

Can't you see what he means to THIS school?

ALL: Yes!

I'm sure the right decision will be made.

If this is about what's best for Roy, then he belongs here.

ALL: Yes!

I think I'm going to regret this.

Roy O'Brien...

-..is not going anywhere.

-ALL: Yes!

-Miss Hagerty has to let him stay!

-ALL: Yeah!

One, two, three, four.

-ALL:

-We won't take it any more!

-Two, four, six...

-Watch out, Miss!

Miss Hagerty, Roy O'Brien belongs at Ballyfermot.

And what's more,

I'm prepared to resign should it come to it because...

-I couldn't agree more.

-Because quite frankly... Agree?!

With which bit exactly, the Roy staying bit or the me resigning bit?

I'm here to assess Roy because he is in line

for a special commendation for outstanding merit.

And it is clear that he is an asset to the school.

-ALL:

-Hooray!

-I heard mixed reports about you, Mr Hammond.

-Oh?

But standing alongside the pupils showed true leadership.

I think you have tried harder.

I will be including a special commendation in your report.

-My report?!

-We assess the teachers, too, Mr Hammond.

That's all it takes, Miss Sheringham.

The courage of one's convictions

and the determination to stand up for what is right, no matter what.

-ALL:

-Yes!

Integrity...

-ALL:

-Yes!

..grit...

-ALL:

-Yes!

..is no substitute for...

-Roy!

-I'm sorry.

Whaaa!

Sorry, sir.

CLASS CHEERS

-One, two, three, four.

-ALL:

-We won't take it any more.

-Two, four, six, eight.

-ALL:

-Roy stays here, we think he's great!

-One, two, three, four!

-ALL:

-We won't take it any more.

-Two, four, six, eight.

-ALL:

-Roy stays here...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd