Uncle Troy ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'the only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'It's Monday morning and it's the first lesson at Ballyfermot School.

'The most dreaded of all lessons, double science with Mr Hammond.'

And then we add a little N-A-C-L-O.

-Naclo! Ha!

-HE SNORTS

That's sodium hydrochloride to you and me.

HE COUGHS

-It's just SO boring.

-Experiments are meant to be exciting,

like Frankenstein, not boring like Mr Hammond's stain remover.

I mean, seriously, stain remover.

And his experiments never work.

Mostly, we're just worried about our education.

OK, I'm worried about our education.

Now, which of you children is going to tell me...

the missing ingredient?

ROY SNORES

Oh, now there's a surprise.

O'Brien...

The missing ingredient?

It's a trick question, sir. There's no more ingredients.

Counterfactual, O'Brien.

-Counter what?

-You're wrong, boy!

You're wrong!

It is, of course, M-N-O-2.

Manganese oxide?

But if he adds that the mixture...

Ah.

THE CLASS SCREAMS

FIRE ALARM RINGS

OK, class.

As you know, there was a situation in the science lab this morning.

In light of his minor injuries,

Mr Hammond has decided to take a break from teaching science.

-THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

-All right, settle down!

This means we will be having a substitute teacher

coming for an interview,

so I want you all on your best behaviour.

Substitute teachers aren't easy to find.

Not with...our reputation.

Substitute teachers never last long. They just can't get used to Roy.

Remember Miss Dolton, the substitute maths teacher?

Roy was so shocked with his grades his eyes popped out of his head.

Never saw her again.

Oh, Mr Kennedy, the substitute art teacher.

Thought Roy was a piece of art. Said he was the worst painting ever.

Should've seen his face when Roy started crying!

Scared the life out of him.

Right, that's about all we have time for this morning

but...before you go, I wanted to remind you all

that I am still looking for a model for the school prospectus.

School what?

Prospectus.

The book we bring out every year, which let's potential pupils know

how wonderful our school is.

Being a photographer, I've been asked to take the photographs again.

All I need is my model.

There's no need to be shy.

How about you, Roy?

I...I...

Well?

Erm...

BELL RINGS

DOOR SLAMS

There's no way I want to be the school prospectus kid.

-I suppose her photos are a little over the top.

-A little?!

The girl who did it last year was so embarrassed she changed school.

Yeah, if I was you,

I'd be worried about the substitute teacher.

The class will never forgive you if you mess up.

Yeah, if you can get this guy to stay,

-could mean no more Hammond for science.

-Oh, you're right.

It's huge! What should I do?

Just go easy on the cartoon stuff.

Yeah, just give this teacher a chance to get used to you.

Ah, I can do that. No problem.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Come on now, Jones, you can do this.

There's no need to be afraid of the teachers or children.

Deep down they're all the same as you and...

Hi...I'm Roy.

You must be the substitute teacher...

Listen, I heard what you are saying and you don't have to worry.

Everyone in the school is as NORMAL as they come.

Normal, normal, normal!

-Wah! Wah, wah!

-Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ahh! Ah!

HE WHIMPERS

Ahhh! Ahh!

Oops!

This is a new record for you. He didn't even make it into the class!

-I already said I was sorry. Now, do I have to tell Hammo?

-Yeah.

Hammo's going to find out sooner or later

and you'll be in twice as much trouble if he finds you kept quiet.

Just tell him what happened. Honesty is always the best policy.

You'd better hope he can find a new teacher.

Otherwise, I wouldn't want to be telling the class

that it's my fault Hammo's going back to teach science.

Ahh! Ooh!

Ah! Oh! Ah! Ahh!

Fine.

Enter!

I've been expecting you. Come in. Come in.

Mr Jones, as you can see, I'm in no condition to teach my science class.

Not until these bandages come off anyway!

So, I'd like to start you as soon as possible.

How does that sound?

Mr Jones?

-Mr Jones?!

-Actually...

Ahem!

-DEEP VOICE:

-Actually, the name's O'Brien.

-O'Brien?

Where was I getting Mr Jones from? I do apologise.

I must have a word with that receptionist.

-So, what do you say? Can you start today?

-I'm afraid there's a problem.

-Problem?!

-Yes, you see...

I only realised this very morning that my nephew...

My nephew Roy is a pupil here

and I know it's against the teacher's code

-to teacher your own family.

-You're Roy O'Brien's uncle?

Yes. Please call me Troy.

I'm so sorry about the mix-up but...

I'm sure one animated character is enough for any school.

You mean you're a, you're a...?

A cartoon? Very much so, yes.

Oh, that's strange. Roy never mentioned you.

I thought he was the only, erm, the only...

Cartoon in the family?

Heavens no!

Shame really, I was looking forward to the job.

Oh, well, no harm done and it's absolutely, most definitely,

nobody's fault that YOU need to find another substitute teacher.

-What?

-Goodbye.

-No!

-The job is yours!

-What?!

The teachers code!

-There is no teachers code.

-There isn't? Are you sure?

Quite sure! If anything, being Roy O'Brien's uncle is a plus.

Finally we have a teacher that won't run away

as soon as the cartoon passes them in the corridor! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, no offence.

Great, well, I'll see you in the, er...

I'll meet you in the staff room after the morning break, hmm?

Mr O'Brien?

Mr O'Brien?

-Uncle Troy?! What were you thinking?

-OK, fine, maybe I messed up.

-What are we going to do?

-This is great.

-ALL: What?!

OK, think about it.

With Uncle Troy for a teacher I could actually pass science.

-Me, pass science!

-It's only for a few days.

You're not considering this?!

'Sinead, this stuff BETTER come off!'

-'It's just eyeliner. Now, hold still!'

-ROY SHOUTS

Remember, you're a teacher. So you've got to act like one.

That means lots of bad jokes.

If a students asks you can he go to the toilet, you say,

"I don't know if you CAN go to the toilet,

but I know you MAY go to the toilet."

-HE LAUGHS:

-That's a really good one.

And you're a science teacher,

so you're going to need to know the basics.

For example, how much do you know about the electromagnetic spectrum?

Is he the bad guy in the new superhero movie?

This is never going to work.

Ready!

Come along, children. Don't you have any classes to go to, hmm?

This could work.

TOILET FLUSHES

Scared the life out of us!

So, what do you think? Have we missed anything?

HE SIGHS

Don't forget to wash your hands, young man, hmm?

Oh, no. This has bad idea written all over it.

I'm not getting involved.

Are you sure?

If we pull this off,

it'll be the greatest scam this school's ever known.

He's too short to be a teacher. Everybody, grab an arm or a leg.

Aah!

I'm not sure this is working! Stop!

-Try to walk more normal.

-I am trying!

< Well... This is it. Good luck, Roy.

And remember, if all else fails, just complain about the biscuits.

Teachers always complain about the biscuits.

-HE EXHALES

-I'm going in.

Everybody, this is Troy O'Brien, our new substitute science teacher.

Good morning, fellow teachers.

Yes. He's Roy O'Brien's uncle, but we won't hold that against him!

HE LAUGHS

-I can't hear anyone laughing, Gwint.

-GWINT LAUGHS

'I don't remember Roy mentioning having an uncle Troy before.'

I know you're related, but isn't the similarity a little too similar?

HE COUGHS

TWIRLY SLIDE WHISTLE

BISCUITS CRUNCH

How are teachers expected to guide the great young minds of the world

and their magnificent potential

while being served up biscuits that, uh...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-..quite frankly...

should be ashamed of themselves.

-Absolutely.

-That's what I've been saying!

-They don't even have chocolate on them.

-I dare ask about the tea.

It's like dishwater.

-It hurts my tastebuds.

-It's very fizzy.

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN SHOUT AND LAUGH

OK, quiet down.

Quiet down! Quieten down, everybody.

Good! Now.

-This is Mr O'Brien, your new science teacher.

-Hello, Mr O'Brien.

-Hello there, Alex.

-How do you know Alex?

-Uh...

He was my substitute geography teacher when I lived in Cork.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-IN SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Yes.

-IN NORMAL VOICE:

-Yes.

They love their old 'geogo' up north!

Cork is down south.

-And where is your nephew Roy?

-Isn't he here? How odd!

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Come on, miss. Has Roy ever been on time for class?

No. But as soon as he does arrive, tell him I want to see him.

So... Science.

Science!

Oh, dear!

Science, science, science. Any questions so far?

-Yes.

-Do you actually know anything about science, sir,

or are you as thick as your nephew?

You know, I was just thinking,

before we make our stain remover we need some stains to test it on.

So I'm looking for a volunteer. Anybody? Anyone?

-TWIRLY SLIDE WHISTLE

-Excellent.

-The beady-eyed little girl at the back.

-Beady-eyed?

OK. We're going to need some more poster paints from the art class

and food dye from Home Economics.

Claire, if you don't mind. Thank you.

In the meantime, let's get started.

HE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

Next, next.

Keep them coming, keep them coming.

Missed a spot.

Brilliant.

BELL RINGS

-Oh. Roy.

-Hey, miss. You wanted to see me?

Yes.

I'm holding auditions for this year's school prospectus tonight,

and I think you may be just what I'm looking for.

Wait a minute. Tonight?

No... I can't.

It's my ma's birthday.

Every year we go to our favourite restaurant, The Golden Noodle.

Oh, why tonight, miss?!

That's too bad.

Maybe next time?

See you!

'It's lunchtime. And substitute teacher Troy O'Brien

'is on lunch duty.'

I can't take this much longer.

Is my hair really that bad?

Hi there, Mr O'Brien.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Hello there.

-Great science class, Mr O'Brien.

-Why, thank you.

I can't believe it's actually working.

I know! I haven't another class until tomorrow.

And when I've finished supervising lunch,

I can be myself for the rest of the day.

Now. Here. A little present for your first day.

Thank you, Mr Gwint. (Just keeps getting better and better.)

Goodbye, Sinead. What an adorable youngster.

I thought you might like to eat with us in the staff room.

It hardly seems fair, you doing lunch duty on your first day.

Great. I really don't like to miss lunch!

You know, it's strange. I can't see Roy anywhere.

He doesn't like to miss his lunch either.

Especially...on cherry jelly Monday.

I think we'd be better off with Hammond for science.

I don't like where this is going.

What are you talking about? Everything's going great.

I don't know. I think Miss Sheringham's on to Roy.

Really? Would you say she's on to Troy too?

They're the same person, Jack.

Oh... Yeah. Right.

So the maths teacher says,

"If I have seven oranges in this hand,

"and eight oranges in this hand,

"what do I have?"

And the schoolgirl says...

"Very big hands!"

ALL LAUGH HEARTILY

Oh, no. Seriously, stop!

You know what else is funny?

You never see Troy and Roy in the same room at the same time.

Well, the thing is...

You know how kids feel about being related to their teacher.

Roy is... embarrassed to be seen with me, it's...

It's so strange. I became a teacher to help children find themselves.

And I...I end up losing a nephew on the way.

HE SOBS

Well, now, Miss Sheringham.

I hope you're happy with yourself.

You've upset our newest member of staff.

You know - if you were a little less Sheringham

and a little more O'Brien,

then perhaps the children

might actually want to be in the school prospectus.

Thank you, Derek. Thanks.

Fine. I apologise.

In fact...

..I feel so bad,

I'd like to invite you out for dinner tonight,

to celebrate your first day.

Dinner with O'Brien, super idea! Count me in.

Right. The more, the merrier.

That's...

not necessary.

Oh...but I insist.

How about that nice Chinese place? The Golden Noodle.

HE GULPS

So you've got to be at The Golden Noodle

with your family AND the teachers, at the same time?

-It's going to be tricky, isn't it?

-No. It's going to be impossible.

I'm sorry, but I'm so glad I'm not going to be there tonight

to watch THAT disaster unfold.

Yeah... Well, the thing is, Tommy,

my ma said I could bring one of my friends, and I picked you.

What?

Isn't that beautiful? They say you get to keep it on your birthday.

-Absolutely beautiful. I wonder, can you eat it?

-No.

I'm joking, I'm only joking!

So that's four Singapore specials, and for sir...?

Erm...

I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute.

OK, love.

Yo hueng fillet beef.

-Want to taste it?

-No. It's your night.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

So the kid says, "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

I said, "Of course, no."

So he says, "Great. Cos I didn't do my homework!"

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Classic!

My word, you must have led one heck of a teacher's life.

Ah, yeah...

You know, Troy, I've been thinking.

Maybe you should stay on at the school full time.

-What?

-What?

Teachers like you are hard to find,

and I don't think I'll ever teach science again.

My eyes will heal,

but it's the scars on the inside that won't go away.

The screaming children, the fire alarm...

Er...if you'll excuse me, I'll just er...

I want to freshen up.

Is that a moustache?

Hmm?

Slipped.

I, er...

I'm just going to, er...dry off in the bathroom.

Are you all right, love?

Weren't you taller when you went to the bathroom?

All great teachers are like that.

They're always smaller than you remember them.

-That's so true.

-It's psychological.

If you'll excuse me...

THUD!

BIRDS TWITTER

Lads! That's enough of that messing. Sit down.

This is a fancy place.

Now - stuff as much of that in as you can, there's a cake coming.

-I think I've ate too much.

-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

I'll be right back.

Hello, Roy.

Oh... Hello, Miss Sheringham.

I believe birthday wishes are in order.

Such a lovely family occasion.

Speaking of family... There's actually someone very special

I'd like you to meet at OUR table.

-Oh, lovely...

-ALL:

-# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Maura

-# Happy birthday to you! #

-HE BELCHES

Where's my centrepiece?!

That's the fire alarm. We need you all to calmly exit the restaurant.

Maura...!

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Have you seen Mr Hammond?

Can anyone else smell smoke?

I believe this is your homework.

An A?! I have never got an A before in my life.

Thanks, Mr O'Brien.

I heard about last night. I can't believe you got away with that.

Yeah. Poor old Tommy's still getting over the whole ordeal.

But apart from that it's been plain sailing.

And I don't see my luck running out any time soon.

OK, class! Settle down.

Now... Stain remover. Where were we?

Manganese oxide?

But if he adds that to the mixture...

BANG! KIDS SCREAM

Hey. Look at the posters.

They're blank. He did it! The stain remover actually worked.

My A. It's...it's gone.

Looks like the stain remover worked TOO well.

It removed all his make-up!

-CHOKING

-Is everybody all right?!

I knew it! Roy...is Troy.

You are in so much trouble, Roy O'Brien.

I'm sorry, it was never supposed to go this far.

It was...just one little lie that got too out of hand, and...

..I think I've learnt my lesson now. Honesty really is the best policy.

Please, Miss. Please. Don't tell Mr Hammond.

What the blazes is going on here?!

Well, Mr Hammond...

..it appears that

Troy O'Brien's poor science skills

literally blew up in his face.

After that...he just disappeared.

Disappeared?!

And I'm sure he won't be coming back.

Wait. There's something else you should know.

Cathy, your hair. It's back to normal.

The stain remover DID work.

My hair... I've got my beautiful hair again!

Yes. Quite. Anything else, Cathy?

Oh, yeah...

It also has a lot of...body?

And next time you meet your uncle...

tell him he's fired!

I can see. I can see.

Thanks for getting me off the hook, miss. I owe you big time.

Yes, you do.

And believe me, Roy... you're anything BUT off the hook.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd