The Good, the Bad and the Roy ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't LOOK very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

Ro-o-oy!

Ro-o-oy!

Roy!

ROY!

He-he!

'It's time for school and Roy is very excited

'about the release of the sequel to his favourite game.'

Did you get it? What did you get?

Martian Warrior Two!

Yeah! Dad queued up at midnight to get it for me.

Is it any good?

It makes Martian Warrior One look really lame.

Yeah, I'm saving up for it but I'm only up to four quid.

And you owe me two.

I'm never going to get it, Tommy.

I can teach you some of the moves, and then when you get your copy,

we can link up and form a Martian Warrior Brotherhood!

Oh...

Do you think anyone else at school will have it?

I'd hate to be the last.

Relax, Roy. It only came out last night.

I bet I'm the only Martian Warrior in Ballyfermot.

Noooo!

What's the matter, Roy, haven't got your copy yet?

I've already unlocked a secret level and earned an invisibility helmet.

You can call me Intergalactic Grand-Warrior Kathy.

You! Yes, you.

Tommy Byrne. I want a word!

I've put you down for the Great and Gifted Society. It's a club which...

I know all about it, Mr Hammond!

They get together after school to study equations

and conundrums and stuff.

Yes, well, It's a great coup for me...

I mean, for Ballyfermot, that is.

The thing is, you need to pass an exam to qualify.

They, er...

need someone who is honest, intelligent

and impartial to supervise.

I'm free tomorrow morning, so...

-HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

-..you can sit it then.

Yes, sir.

Right, it's in the phone so it's official.

Ooh, bad luck, Tommy!

An extra exam, on your own!

-I know! It's brilliant, isn't it?

-GAME MUSIC PLAYS

Roy, hands off! You'll ruin my score!

Yeah. I'll... I was just, er...

HE SIGHS

This is my new smart phone.

High res.

19 Gigabytes.

HD video.

The outer casing is actually bullet-proof.

'Mr Hammond's phone is active.'

This little fellow keeps Ballyfermot School

running smoothly and efficiently.

'Must buy moisturiser cream'. 'Must buy moisturiser cream'.

'Must...' BEEP

I have very dry skin.

GAME MUSIC PLAYS

Looks like you're the only one in class without Martian Warrior Two.

Kathy, I'm saving up.

By the time you have enough, it'll be sold out everywhere.

Games away, class.

-GAME MUSIC CONTINUES

-Alex!

MUSIC STOPS

Thank you.

Now, are you all excited about the upcoming planetarium visit?

THEY CHEER

Can I have your consent forms and the last of the trip money, please?

Will you take this to Mr Hammond, Roy?

Yeah.

Whoa!

Go on, Roy, take it!!

What? Who said that?

It was me, of course.

Who are you?

I'm here to make sure you make the right decisions, Roy.

Huh?

The Planetarium money. It's the answer to all your problems.

I can't. It's not mine.

Just take enough for the game and a bag of chips on the way home, yeah?

I wouldn't do that, if I was you, Roy!

That money isn't yours.

The whole class will suffer if it goes missing.

Come on, this is your chance to keep up with everyone else.

How does "Intergalactic Grand-Warrior Roy" sound, yeah, huh?

Protractors don't grow on trees, you know, Mr Wilson.

Ah, the Planetarium money.

Thank you, Roy.

The planetarium trip's going to be deadly.

They have a microscope there that can see the surface of Mars.

It's a telescope.

I bet we'll see some real-life Martian Warriors.

Believe me, you won't.

Oh, Tommy's right, Alex. They've got invisibility helmets.

We'll never spot them.

THEY LAUGH

You should have taken the money when you had the chance, Roy!

No, You'd feel guilty, Roy.

You'd never be able to enjoy the game.

Aw, just be quiet!

You all right, Roy?

Yeah...

Er, can you see anything on me shoulders?

Just your head, Roy.

Yeah...

Steady.

Mr Hammond...

Don't tell him, Roy! This is a chance for a bit of fun!

Maybe change some dates around...

Don't listen to him, Roy. Return the phone to Mr Hammond.

And, for once, you'll be in his good books!

Well, I suppose you could pop in a teacher-training day.

That would mean a day off for everyone!

PHONE BEEPS

It's locked.

Well, there's other ways you can have fun with it, Roy.

Brilliant!

-We've only just begun!

-ROY CACKLES

BELL RINGS

LAUGHTER

I thought it was a new kind of fire alarm.

Mr Gwint, that is my phone.

Get it down!

'Must buy moisturiser cream.

'Moisturiser...moisturiser... moisturiser...'

OK. OK. Get a stepladder.

I consider this a serious incident.

Kidnap, that's what it is.

But I'm not completely clueless.

Now, I know exactly who is behind all of this

and they're going to get their just desserts.

Nobody gets the better of Derek Hammond.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

PHONE RINGS

Maths is so hard. I don't want to go to the next lesson.

Yeah, well, you don't have to, Roy!

What? Bunk off?

No-one will notice. And look - Tommy's left his locker open.

You can get in some "Martian Warrior Two" practice.

It belongs to Tommy, Roy. You know better than that.

Whoa!

Tommy's not going to miss it, is he?

His head is full of all that "Gifted and Great" stuff.

He wasn't happy when you took it before, Roy.

He won't know it's you.

Now, come on, you've had some fun this morning, right?

Right.

GAME MUSIC PLAYS

Anyone in there?

I won't be long, Mr Gwint.

TOILET FLUSHES

O'Brien!

Mr Hammond's office! Now!

The look on Kathy's face!

Yeah, Roy has pulled some really funny stunts this morning.

He put salad in Mr Hogan's trainer.

Unscrewed Miss Sheringham's pens so they leaked into her pencil case.

Yeah, he also put one of those KICK ME signs on Gwint's back.

Hilarious!

BELL RINGS

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER

There's been a trail of mischief in the school this morning, O'Brien,

the worst of which was the kidnapping of my new phone.

-I'd nothing to do with it, sir.

-Don't give me that, O'Brien.

No-one but you could stretch up to stick this to the ceiling.

Well, what about a tall boy on a pogo stick?

I know guilty, O'Brien.

I've seen it a hundred times and it looks like that.

You've earned yourself a detention.

Next time I catch you up to no good,

I'm going to cancel the planetarium trip -

and let everyone know it was down to you!

You're on your last chance, O'Brien!

I'm going to put it on my new phone.

Last...

..chance!

Hm?

Roy, I don't want to say, "I told you so",

but I TOLD YOU SO!

-BELL RINGS

-Roy, Roy, have you seen my game?

I can't find it anywhere.

Uh...oh.

You haven't got it, have you?

Nope. Not me. Haven't got it.

Haven't seen it. Nope.

GAME MUSIC PLAYS

You're supposed to be my best friend, Roy.

Listen, Tommy... I'm sorry.

Don't bother, Roy.

And you can forget our Martian Warrior Brotherhood.

Ignore him, Roy. Sure, who needs Einstein, anyway?

ROY SIGHS

I do.

I'm in big trouble with Mr Hammond and I've lost me best friend...

And it's all YOUR fault!

From now on, I'm listening to him!

What?! Mr Boring Goody Two-Shoes, huh?

OK, fine, you know were I am if you want to have some fun.

Finally!

I'm glad you saw sense, Roy. We'll make a great team.

You and me.

Hey, Sinead!

Sinead?

Tommy told me what you did, Roy!

Offer to carry her bag.

That'll get you back in her good books.

Erm, I'll take that!

No, thanks.

BELL RINGS

Tommy, Tommy! Wait!

-Forget it, Roy.

-Listen, Tommy, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for taking your game. And I'm sorry that I lied to you.

What you did was wrong, Roy.

Yeah, well, I know that now.

I just wasn't meself.

Maybe we could walk home together.

Tell him about the cola.

And, Tommy, it was me that dropped the can of cola

into your sports bag last year.

I had to run a cross country all sticky!

And the DVD!

And, Tommy, the DVD you lent me?

I left it on the bus.

That was the director's cut!

-You said you'd lent it to your granda'.

-I lied.

Excuse me. I've got a test to prepare for.

That didn't go so well, did it?

Some people don't react well to kindness and honesty, do they?

Right, that's it! That is IT!

What? What are you doing?

-I'm not talking to Roy after what he did.

-Me neither.

He knows he's in the wrong, that's why he's started acting all nice.

He wanted to do my homework. And share his lunch with me.

He offered to clean my shoes.

Actually, he did my science homework.

And I had one of his sandwiches.

-Alex!

-It was chicken tikka!

It was good!

What are you doing, Roy? Don't leave me with him!

-You need me.

-I knew you wouldn't be able to stand him for long.

Right, that's it!

The pair of you have made me lose my best friend!

From now on, I'm going to make my decisions without you!

Are you sure about this, Roy?

I mean, making choices without us is going to be pretty hard.

Maybe I could tag along and...

Enough!

-He'll be back...

-I'm not so sure.

Of course he will.

He'll forget how to have fun without me to help.

Because it's all about you, isn't it? Poor Roy.

Hey, Roy, fancy a kick around later? We could ask Jack and Tommy, too.

I don't think so.

Roy, you'll be late for school!

Morning.

Morning, love, are you all right?

You came in from school last night and went straight to bed.

Yeah, I'm grand.

So what's it to be? A fry up or some healthy muesli?

I don't know. I'm not really hungry.

I'll do you both, so. So, you packed your school bag?

Got your sandwiches?

Yeah, probably.

Where's Tommy this morning?

I have to go.

Roy?

Great! That's all I need. Two moody teenagers in the house!

GAME MUSIC PLAYS

-Hey.

-Hi, Roy.

I thought we weren't talking to him.

He did try to say sorry to Tommy.

Roy, want to learn some good warrior moves?

No, he wants to be a bad Martian Warrior, don't you?

I don't know what I want any more.

Tommy! Tommy!

Isn't it time for you and Roy to make up?

I just don't think we can be friends anymore.

Tommy, you have to sort this out!

Roy's really upset.

I'M really upset.

And I haven't been able to study for my exam and it's all because of HIM.

Don't you think you'll feel better if you make up before it starts?

I haven't got time for this...

Yeah, it's all Tommy's fault.

He's been all, "I'm so great and gifted!"

That's rubbish, Jack. Roy's the one who's acting like an idiot.

That's just like you to take Tommy's side.

-It's just like you to be all like "Team Roy"!

-You're a muppet!

Loser! Let me know when you found your brain.

I think you left yours at your last school.

I'm giving you the back of silence.

Well, your back of silence is being ignored by my back of silence.

So there you go.

-Well, do you want to link up and try the next level?

-All right!

Yeah, go on.

I've never seen Roy and Tommy fall out like this before.

They've had their ups and downs, their little squabbles,

but it usually only lasts for a couple of hours.

Perhaps they could...

Or, maybe, Roy could like...

I really don't know what to do about it.

OK, Byrne, you have exactly 30 minutes to complete the paper.

Luckily, I've got a timer function on my phone.

Oops. Didn't mean to press that.

'Fry the carrots and onions adding a pinch of paprika...'

Ugh.

Just give me a second.

Roy and Tommy aren't talking. Boohoo(!) I think it's hilarious.

Roy thought he was so smart pulling that trick on me earlier.

He'll be sorry he ever messed with Kathy Cunningham.

Roy's such a loser and Tommy's such a nerd.

You know, they actually deserve each other,

but I've a little plan to keep them apart.

BELL RINGS

Roy! I hear Tommy's furious with you!

What? That's complete rubbish.

It's the talk of the school. Roy and his best friend have fallen out!

What? No, it was just a little misunderstanding. That's all.

We'll make it up.

Now would be a good time.

Whooooa!

That's for filling my bag with packing peanuts!

What's going on? O'Brien!

Listen, Tommy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

It's all about you, isn't it, Roy?

For once in my life I wanted to do something for myself.

Tommy, I'm sorry.

For once I wanted to be something more than "Roy's best friend".

-Tommy...

-But you don't want that, do you, Roy?

You want to be the centre of the universe

with the rest of us orbiting around you,

so you spoil my one chance of doing something great!

We're finished, Roy. Finished forever.

Byrne, you've still got 15 minutes of your test left!

Hey, Tommy, how did the exam go?

Terrible! Roy made a big scene and I didn't finish.

And you're on your last warning, O'Brien.

This is getting ridiculous, we have to do something about these two!

Roy's ruined everything for me. He always does.

He goes racing in with his big cartoon feet

without thinking about other people's feelings.

But that's all over with now.

Roy and I are done and I'm not going to miss him.

Listen, lads, I need you back.

We did warn you, Roy.

Thing is, we're all right here.

We haven't got on so well for ages.

No, but I'm not myself without you.

I don't know what to do to get Tommy back.

Are you talking to yourself, Roy?

I'm just sad about the whole Tommy thing.

Yeah, it's rubbish you two not speaking.

Tommy doesn't think I care about him.

-Well, then you're going to have to prove to him that you do.

-How?

You've got to do something for Tommy.

The Gifted and Great Society means so much to him.

Maybe you could sneak into Hammond's office

and steal Tommy's exam paper...

Then he could finish it.

Sinead! That's bad.

Yeah, that's evil super-villain bad.

What do you think, Roy?

I don't know.

I just want Tommy's friendship back.

Then you know what you've got to do.

Did you hear that? Oh, this is too good to miss.

What?!

Er, Miss Sheringham wants you, sir.

I'm a busy man.

She wants some assistance with a flow chart.

For the school trip.

Does she indeed?

Well, She's in luck because I have an excellent flow chart app

on my phone, here!

You're back?

Yeah, truth is, it was a bit dull when I got my own way.

Yeah, me too. I missed the old push-and-pull, you know?

BEEPING

It's here, somewhere...

PHONE SPEAKS IN GERMAN

BEEPING

So, erm, is there any chance you can get back inside me head?

Oh, much better!

Come on, Roy, Hammo's gone!

I'll keep watch.

GAME MUSIC PLAYS

We've got to find Tommy's exam paper.

It could be in one of Hammond's desk drawers, er,

filing cabinets, his pigeonholes...

Or the folder marked "Tommy's Exam Paper".

-Miss Sheringham, I believe you need a flow chart?

-Uh, no.

Oh, I think you do.

Organisation can make a school trip.

My phone says we're going to need graph paper, marker pens,

and plenty of elbow room.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, we've got the paper. Let's get out of here.

Maybe we should think about this.

Think about what? You take the paper. Tommy finishes it.

-You put it back. Everyone's happy.

-But I'm on me last chance.

If we get caught here, there'll be no trip to the planetarium.

And nobody will be happy.

Roy, we haven't got long here.

You're going to have to make a decision, Roy!

You don't have to, Roy.

Tommy? How did you get in?

Just walked in. Alex is all wrapped up in Level Three.

You don't have to get in trouble for me, Roy.

-Friends?

-Martian Warrior Brothers!

GAME MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE BEEPS

-It's Hammo, he's back!

-Oh, if he catches us...

Don't worry, I'll handle this.

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

Mr Hammond, sir. I'd like to talk to you about, my exam.

Not now, Byrne. I haven't finished marking it yet.

It was me, sir.

I, I stuck your phone to the ceiling...

Not you, Byrne. You haven't got it in you.

And besides, you're not tall enough.

I used my "Gifted and Great" mind to think of a scheme.

I borrowed Gwint's stepladder and...

You know what this means, Byrne? Detention.

So much detention, we're going to need my phone to organise it.

PHONE BEEPS

OK, that's detention's over.

For tonight.

CONSTANT BEEPING

PHONE BEEPS

So, how was your first detention?

It wasn't that bad.

It wasn't that bad? You know why? Cos you were with me!

I waited for you.

That was really bold, Sinead, stealing my exam paper.

Yeah, Sinead, you're always a goody two-shoes.

There's sides of me you wouldn't recognise.

THEY LAUGH

'It's the next morning and the bus has arrived

'to take Roy and his class to the planetarium.'

Looking at Mars will be a bit more exciting than equations

and conundrums, eh, Tommy?

I get to do that as well. I passed my exam.

I thought you didn't finish.

I finished enough to get 94%.

What can I say? I'm "Gifted and Great".

Nice one!

-Do you want to play on the way?

-Yeeaah!

Are you going to be a good warrior or a bad warrior?

Do you know what, Tommy, I think I'll have a go at both.

I have you, I have you. You're trapped. You're trapped now.

No, no, don't! Violence isn't the way, no, no.

-Go on, yes!

-No, no.

I got that, I got that!

I won, haha, in your face, haha.

You didn't win. Right, come on, another game, another game.

Right, we'll see who wins this time.