DIY Roy ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in

'but it's very hard to stay out of trouble

'when you're a cartoon!'

ROY!

ROY!

ROY!

Roy!

Ha-ha-ha!

'Roy and his classmates have been given a rather exciting project

'by their teacher, Miss Sheringham.'

The project is called The World Of Work

and it's all about giving the students

a little taste of the working world.

Jaws is going to be so excited when he sees his new hutch.

Yeah, the old ones banjaxed!

He's chewed it to bits.

Paper smothers rock.

-Ah, no way! Best out of 20.

-I don't think so.

You can't argue with Rock, Paper, Scissors.

I get to report on Roy's group,

you get to report on Cathy's group.

Now, if anybody has any questions, well...keep them to yourselves,

I don't like questions -

and that's off the record.

Now, remember, all the reports are going onto the school website

so it's important that you journalists get your facts right.

No making anything up.

Now, class, you have the weekend to get your projects done

and I want to see the finished results first thing Monday morning.

Who knows, it might give you all a few ideas

as to what you want to be when you grow up.

So, let's get to work!

When I grow up I'm going to be the captain of the Polish football team.

Might play for the Irish squad too.

If they're playing a match I'll play half for each side, that's fair.

I'm going to be an Oscar-winning film director. I love films.

When I grow up I want to be a journalist.

One of the ones who gets to the bottom of the story.

I'm going to be a teacher.

You don't have to do much and you get months off for the holidays.

Easy peasy!

Yeah, I'm probably going to be a DJ.

You get to fly all over the world

and you get to go to the coolest parties for free

and you don't even have to learn to play an instrument.

'Roy, in the meantime,

'can't quite figure out what he's going to be when he grows up.'

I've always wanted to be an astronaut.

BOING

BOING

BOING

Mum! Roy's being creepy on the trampoline again!

'But then, being a cowboy would be dead cool.'

Howdy, pardners!

-HORSE NEIGHING

-Whoa!

'And I've always fancied being a cool secret agent.'

Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah.

-Hm-mm.

-CLATTERING

-Hang on a second, Aoife.

-Oh, oh, ooh!

-Hey, Becky! I'm stuck!

-Mum!

'Becky says that whatever job I end up doing

'I'm probably going to end up in jail.'

'Elsewhere in the O'Brien household, Roy's dad, Bill, is hard at work.

'He's been bitten by the DIY bug.'

Look at that, look.

Opens and closes like a dream.

DOOR SQUEAKS

You see, I've always been a bit of a natural at the old DIY.

That stands for, "do-it-yourself," by the way.

See this now, look, watch this, look.

Look.

Not a wobble.

Not a squeak. Perfect, look.

See, I see it as my job to keep this place shipshape

and in perfect running order.

Now, I find that a spot of DIY helps you relax.

And then there's the added satisfaction

of knowing a job's well done, you know?

-Yeah, you tell them, love. I'll stick on the kettle.

-Great.

-Dad.

-Yeah?

-I need your help.

-What's the story, son?

-Well, you know we were building this rabbit hutch for school?

-Yeah.

-Tommy is doing the design...

-Yeah.

-..and Jack's in charge of construction...

-Right.

..but, erm, I don't have a job yet.

Well, son, there's only one job that is truly worth having,

that's the gaffer.

-What's a gaffer?

-Gaffer!

You know, the boss, the big man, the head honcho.

See, round these parts, son, I'm the gaffer.

MUM AND BECKY LAUGH

-Everything all right, yeah?

-Yeah, right as rain. Two sugars, yeah?

-Yeah, perfect.

-MUM AND BECKY LAUGH

'Later that day, Roy and his team gather to discuss their project.'

His food dish goes there, he could put his water bottle there

and he could sleep in there.

What more could a rabbit ask for?

Interesting, but we want to know what you plan to do

about the chewing problem.

He isn't called Jaws for nothing!

I'd like to see him try to chew through this stuff.

-My dad said it's 100% rabbit-proof.

-Hm, very impressive.

So, er, what do you think, Gaffer?

-I don't know, it's deadly and everything but...

-But what?!

I've spent HOURS working on this thing!

Well, I just have a few teensy-weensy suggestions

-to spice things up a little, if you don't mind?

-Here we go.

Well, I was thinking we add some extra levels

and we can turn it into a super-duper cool rabbit-plex

with loads of different rooms and then Jaws has a place to chill out

and have all his rabbit mates over if he fancies.

Oh, on the roof, I was thinking we can have a little sundeck

-for when the weather's decent...

-But, Roy...

..and a big room at the back for carrot storage

or maybe we can build another extension?

Can you get us wood, Jack?

Roy, you do know that this hutch is for a rabbit, not an elephant!

And it has to be finished by Monday morning.

Don't worry, lads, the gaffer is on the job.

Besides, you've got to think big.

Now, any questions?

DAD WHISTLES

-Somebody's in good form?

-Somebody has got good news.

-Good news?

-Your husband, the DIY expert,

has just scored his first big gig and he's getting paid for it too.

Really? Brilliant. Where?

-What's up?

-Huh?

Your father's after getting a job doing a bit of DIY, isn't that nice?

-What? Seriously?

-Yes, seriously.

I'm redecorating Mrs Sweeney's front room.

-Going to give it a touch of the old O'Brien magic.

-Mrs Sweeney?

Mrs Sweeney from number 13?

-Mrs Sweeney the head of the Tidy Estate Committee?

-The very woman.

I was telling her about the bits and bobs

I've been doing round the house.

She mentioned that she's in the market for a decorator

and wallop, back of the net, Bill's your man.

Starting in the morning, no hanging round.

-This isn't good.

-You can say that again, she is terrifying.

No, she's not that bad, Becky.

Mum, you don't understand, I've seen how Mrs Sweeney rolls

and it ain't pretty, trust me.

-We're going to have to move house.

-Might have a point there.

Hoi.

Back to work, lads.

What you think, Roy?

Nah, do it again.

Roy, all the wood my dad gave us is nearly gone.

Not now, Jack, I'm too busy.

Wah!

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Sinead? All right, lads, take five.

Five minutes MEANS five minutes, not ten, yeah?

We're going inside to cool down.

Before something very nasty happens.

It's going brilliant.

-Ah, Bill, love.

-Huh?

Are you sure about this Mrs Sweeney thing being such a good idea?

After all, you've been working so hard all week in that taxi

and, well, there's so many jobs left for you to do in this house.

-I don't know if I can spare you.

-Listen to Mum, Dad.

Don't be worrying, girls, there's more than enough Bill for everyone!

Listen, it's a handy few quid for the old holiday fund, isn't it?

I'm telling you, before we know it, we'll be in Marbella. Hoo-hoo!

-I'm going to hang that picture.

-Marbella here we come, yeah.

Were going to have to change our names, Mum.

She will find us.

She will hunt us down.

He's used up all that good wood my dad gave us.

He means well. He's only trying to help.

I don't care! He won't let us do anything.

-He's driving us crazy.

-Have you tried talking to him about it?

He won't listen to us.

I don't care what he says, that thing is coming down now.

Whoa! Whoa! Oof!

Roy, are you OK?!

-Help! Ooh!

-Quick, he's under here!

Help!

Help me!

Oh...

Cheers, lads.

So er...how about a quick tea break, yeah?

Five minutes?

-Bill, are you finished yet?

-Yes, it's nearly up.

One little tap should sort this fella out.

Oh...!

It's OK...

Maura...

-Roy, we need to talk.

-I know. And I figured out what went wrong.

-I'm not blaming either of you, but...

-No, Roy. Listen to us.

-I just think we should make it bigger.

-BOTH:

-Roy, you're fired.

I know, but we need to...

Wait a minute. I'm what?!

Sorry, Roy. But it's for your own good.

Seriously, Roy. You could have flattened both of us.

And we don't, you know... bend back into shape like you do.

We voted on it. It's two to one

You're off the team. Sorry, Roy.

Yeah? You can't fire me. Because I quit!

Let's see how you get on without the gaffer.

-Well,

-that

-was awkward.

-Bill...

-Yes, love?

You have a word with Roy. He's been sulking in his room for hours,

and he won't tell me what's wrong. Look. The rain's starting to leak.

-You mean, have a bit of a man-to-man chat with him?

-Yeah.

No problem, love. I'm all over it.

Maybe you should take him to the pictures tomorrow.

I'm sure Mr Sweeney won't mind if you postpone.

Nice try, Mum. You're going to have to tell him some time.

KNOCK AT DOOR

All right, buddy?

-Yeah.

-Can I come in for a minute?

Go on.

What's up?

-And don't say you're grand, Roy, cos I know you're not.

-Well...

..see...

Come on, you can tell me, son. I'm your da.

HE SIGHS

I've been made redundant.

-What?

-Yup.

The other lads gave me the sack.

Seriously?

That's a bit harsh, isn't it?

And now I'm not on the team, and my friends are angry at me.

I'm going to fail my project...

..and Sinead thinks I'm a loser.

-What am I going to do?

-Look, don't be worrying,

things are never really as bad as they seem.

I think you're brilliant.

Cheers.

And I've got just the job

for a man of your particular qualifications, too.

-Really?

-Yeah. Just you wait, they'll be begging you to come back.

Do you think so?

I know so.

Just picture it, Roy...

O'Brien and Son.

Painters and decorators.

-Painters and decorators?

-Yeah.

Ah, there's my two big men.

Two mad men, more like.

That's right, ladies, O'Brien and Son

-are in full effect.

-Yeah.

And the only thing better than having one gaffer

is having...two gaffers.

-Am I right, Dad?

-You're not wrong, son.

Now, we better get cracking, love.

Mrs Sweeney's away for the day, and I promised I would be done by six.

You sure you don't want to go to the cinema?

The sequel to that robot pirate film is on. And it's in 3-D, my treat.

I'll throw in some nachos and ice cream, yeah?

It's a nice idea, love, but we're saving for a holiday, remember?

Hard as it is to say no to nachos, there's work to be done. Ready, Roy?

Yeah.

Yeah, come on...

-See you, Ma, see you, Becks.

-Oh!

Oh...

What'll we do?

I don't know about you,

but I'm going to start packing before she gets back.

I'm thinking of changing my name!

Do you know where the passports are?

Ah, Becky! You never know - things might turn out for the best.

We're doomed!

BOTH: Ta-da!

-Well...?

-It's...nice.

Nice?

-You hate it, don't you?

-I don't hate it, it's just a bit...

..boring.

She's right, Jack.

We need Roy.

-Would you not give him a call?

-No way! He knows where we are.

And he won't listen to us anyway. Remember?

But you know... maybe if YOU were to talk to him,

and invite him back?

-Seriously?

-Come on, Sinead.

-Please?

-Pretty please?

Boys... So silly.

-Hold that chair, son, will you?

-Yup.

-Good lad.

You see, son...

the secret to successful DIY is very simple.

-Nice doggie...

-You either have it or you don't.

Dad... You OK?

Yeah. Never better, son.

Just going to lie here for another little minute.

It's a lovely carpet, isn't it?

Dad...

What?

Does this paint look a bit blue?

No, it's grand, it'll dry white.

Try and stay in between the lines, son, will you?

-Yeah.

-Good lad.

-Dad...

-Yeah?

The dog's footprints. Look.

Ah, no, that'll be grand. A little bit of turps'll sort that out.

Dad...

What?

Shouldn't we put up the wallpaper first?

Probably.

Ooof!

Aaah...

Now. One third wallpaper paste...

..two thirds water.

Now... No, it's two thirds wallpaper paste,

and one third water.

Either way, it doesn't really make any difference.

There's a good boy. Get off my leg...

Roy, stop messing with the dog, will you? You're making him giddy!

-SNARLING AND YAPPING

-Aaagh!

-BILL COUGHS

-Roy...?

Roy...? Are you still here? Roy!

Now...just hold it steady there, son. OK?

-I am holding it steady.

-Now...

The trick is, keep it nice and smooth, right?

-It's slimy...

-But whatever you do,

-don't let go, all right?

-I can't hold it for much longer!

Just another minute, son, you just think of the holiday...

-AAAAAGH...!

-We're all right...

Now... Easy, this, isn't it?

-There. Now.

-HE LAUGHS

-At last. Hah?

-HE SIGHS

That's more like it, isn't it, Roy?

-SCRATCHING

-Roy?

MUFFLED GROANING FROM BEHIND THE WALLPAPER

Is that you, Roy?

GROANING CONTINUES

That's not good, is it? Wait, now. Wait.

-Maybe we should pop over.

-I don't think so. What if she catches us?

I'm sure deep down, Rebecca, Mrs Sweeney is a perfectly lovely woman.

You don't understand, Mum.

I know what she did to win that Tidy Estates competition.

I know what's buried under those flower beds.

DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

-Do you see me volunteering?!

-Ah, hiya, Sinead, love.

-Hey, Mrs O'Brien. Is Roy in?

He's over the road doing a bit of DIY with his dad.

-That's not her, is it?

-No, your grand, it's only Sinead.

Ah, I didn't mean it's only Sinead, love! Oh!

Don't mind me, I don't know if I'm coming or going today!

Would it be OK if I called in for a minute?

-I need to tell Roy something.

-I don't think it's such a good idea.

It's, it's...a bit complicated.

-DIY For dummies?!

-Yeah!

-I know someone who could use that book.

-Aw!

Go on, you might as well tell someone! We're all doomed anyhow.

I think you'd better come in, love. Yeah.

Bill is terrible at DIY, Sinead, love. He always has been.

Becky and myself have been covering up his disasters for years.

We taught ourselves. Anyone can do it, really. Well. Anyone except Da!

I've never been able to tell the truth! It'd break his heart!

The little look on his face after he finishes a job.

Still, maybe Roy will turn out to be a whiz at the DIY.

-Can I be honest, Mrs O'Brien?

-Of course you can, love.

Well, I think Roy takes after his da.

-Oh, all right.

-Right, Becky, bring the book. Come on, Sinead.

Time to send in the reinforcements!

-You all right?

-ROY MUMBLES

All right, just mind the carpet.

It's, erm, a work in progress, you know?

You should probably come back when we're finished, though,

we'll have this place looking like a palace.

But Mrs Sweeney is home in an hour and a half.

It's going to take a week to fix this place!

Bill, what are we going to do?! We'll have to pay for all of this!

That's the holiday fund out the window for starters!

Don't worry about it! When you've got a great team,

you can do anything!

SHE WHISPERS

-That's a deadly idea! Right, I'll be back in a minute.

-Yeah.

Erm...

-All right, lads?

-Yeah, Roy.

-All right, Roy?

-So, how's tricks? The hutch is looking cool.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Cheers.

Jaws is going to have a hard time getting out of that one, eh?!

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, that's the idea.

DOG BARKS

Can we hurry up, lads? We're on a schedule here.

-ALL TOGETHER: We need your help.

-THEY LAUGH

TOGETHER: Snap!

That's more like it. Now, come on! Let's get to work!

-What if she comes back early?! I'm too young to die!

-Stop it!

-Any chance of a cup of tea, love?

-I don't think so, love!

-Could you make an effort, please? OK, there, Roy?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Do you want a hand with that, Ma?

-No, you're fine, love.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

-Da, what about you?

-I'm grand.

-Everybody else coping?

That's grand. Do you want a hand with what you're doing? No?

-Move that one.

-Come on, everybody! Chop chop!

She's due back in 14 minutes.

Dad! Watch the picture!

-All right there, fellas?

-Yeah.

-Great! Go, Team O'Brien, go!

Come on, everybody!

I see her! She's coming up the road.

She's coming up the road! What'll we do?!

-Here, quick, get out there and use your charm. Pronto!

-I'm on it.

Nobody can talk rubbish to old ladies like your da.

It's a skill he developed over many years driving a cab!

-Tell me about it!

-Now!

-I think we're good to go.

-What about all the gear?!

Roy, it's up to you now. Use the back door.

Hang on a second, everybody.

-How did he do that?!

-Simple! He's Roy!

-He most certainly is.

You just hang on there one more second, now, gorgeous.

We don't want to spoil the... We don't want to spoil the surprise!

Come on in!

-Whatever you do, don't look her in the eyes!

-Relax, Becky!

-Here you are.

-Come on.

-Here it comes!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

I love it!

-You do?

-Of course she does! And there's my right-hand man.

-That right, Roy?

-Yeah.

-There's just one thing.

-What's that, love?

-Why is my doggy blue?

DOG BARKS

-Maura, do you want to...?

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

We got away with it. I don't know how. But we did.

-Sorry to interrupt, Becky, pet. Sorry!

-That's OK.

I gave the little ones a bag of sweeties to share.

-And here's something special for you!

-Thanks a million.

-You're welcome! You're a great girl, all the same!

-I try my best.

Maybe bring my doggie for a walk. My little blue doggie! He loves you!

Now, that's great. You'll have a wonderful time.

She's a monster!

'Roy, Jack and Tommy still have a project to finish.'

-Check it out!

-Cool.

-So, what do you think, lads?!

-THEY LAUGH

Me dad says there's no I in the word team.

I used to think he was giving me a spelling test! But I understand now.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

'It's Monday morning, and time for the different groups

'to present their finished World of Work project.'

Well, I have to say,

you've all done an AMAZING job on your World of Work projects!

I'd personally like to thank the other members of my group.

I couldn't have done it without them. Talk about dream team!

Talk about nightmare! You can read about Cathy's tantrums

-on the website!

-What tantrums?!

I learned do-it-yourself doesn't mean do it BY yourself,

and that it's very hard to remove blue paint from dog hair!

Ladies and gentlemen, we now give you, Jaws' new gaff!

-Do you think he likes it?

-Definitely!

Sure, look at him. He's smiling!

You know, I wasn't at all surprised when Maura and Becky

mentioned that they'd been fixing all my DIY jobs on the sly.

Mostly, because, well, between you and me,

I actually haven't got a clue what I'm doing!

-All right, Gaffer?

-Yeah, grand. Yeah. (Not a clue.)

I still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up!

But, sure there's plenty of time.

I'm definitely going to keep up the old DIY!

It comes in very handy any time I wreck me bed!

MATTRESS CREAKS

Don't tell Becky - I'm going to give her room

a total makeover for her birthday. She's going to be so surprised!

BED CRASHES

-Roy!

-It's all right, Ma! I'm on it!

LAUGHTER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

-Stop laughing!

-LAUGHTER