Roy on Film ROY

'This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

'He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

'The only trouble is, he doesn't look very ordinary.

'All Roy really wants is to fit in.

'But it's very hard to stay out of trouble when you're a cartoon!'

Roy!

THEY SCREAM

Roy!

Roy!

CROWD: ROY!

'Things have changed a lot for the O'Brien family

'since we last saw them.

'A job promotion for Maura

'has meant they're moving to another part of town.'

HORN HONKS

-Here we are now. Safe and sound.

-Hello! We got a bit lost!

Hang on, we didn't get lost, the sat-nav was wrong. You all right?

-I'm looking forward to a fresh start with our new neighbours.

-Hi!

Our last neighbour stopped talking to us

after Dad fell through the bathroom ceiling.

ROY LAUGHS

He was trying to get my kite off the roof.

It was just bad enough Mrs Murphy was in the bath at the time.

Yeah, but that's all in the past now.

I'm sure we won't have any problem with our new neighbours.

Well, they won't be complaining about the noise any more, anyway!

That's not our house! We're next door!

Back in the car! In the car!

Drive!

Roy!

Roy! Where is he?

-Where's Roy?

-Do you know where my schoolbag is?

In a box with your name on it.

Roy!

Perfect(!)

Mum, Dad's putting everything in the wrong boxes.

Tell me about it, love. Look at this!

Ah, yeah, this'll be the kitchen.

GIRL SCREAMS

Roy!

Roy! Roy!

Stop that. Come on, we're going to be late for school. Come on, move.

Coming, Dad.

HE GULPS

'The move has also meant a change of school for Roy.

'This is his first day at Sandyford Progressive Learning.'

Everything OK, son?

I've been thinking, do I really need to go to a new school?

We've been through this, son.

Yeah, but I've already written the name of me old school

-in me pencil case and...

-Oh.

Haven't seen the old butterflies in a long time.

Sorry, Dad, I'm just a little nervous.

Well, there's no need to be.

Just relax and be yourself, son. People love that.

Now, I know what I'm talking about.

My job is all about making a good first impression.

-Like the good first impression you made on the neighbours.

-Yeah.

Is that the time? I better head off.

Listen, just go in there and knock them dead, all right?

You'll be grand, son.

It's moments like this when I miss me friends the most.

But now they live so far away I hardly ever get to see them.

But who knows?

Maybe I'll make some new friends.

There's only one way to find out.

Besides, it's not all bad news.

There's one or two people from me last school that I won't be missing,

like me old teacher.

Mr Hammond.

Sorry to be rushing the school tour but we don't want our vice principal

to get lost on the first day now, do we?

-No, Miss Jervis.

-And how about you start calling me Jane?

Of course.

Miss Jervis, am I to understand these meditation and life classes

-are for the students?

-Naturally.

We at Sandyford Progressive Learning believe that the sooner the children

find their own inner authority and natural creativity,

the sooner they find themselves.

HE SCOFFS

Good grief - you're serious.

Let's show you the canteen.

Now, Mr Hammond, I'll like to introduce you to Carol Malloy.

Carol Malloy, Mr Hammond.

-Hello, Mr Hammond.

-Pleased to meet you, Mrs Malloy.

If there's one thing I know about starting at a new school it's that

you should always get on the right side of the dinner lady.

-Oh, erm...after spending four...

-Five!

-..five years in Paris,

-Carol prefers the title...

-School chef.

-..to dinner lady.

Of course. Well, what's on the menu today, Mademoiselle Chef?

Well, today we have vegetarian patties with sides of fruit,

veg and cereals.

Is there any gravy or chips?

If you don't mind, I have some real food to prepare in the kitchen.

Thank you, Carol.

We don't mention the C or G word in front of Carol, there.

I see you've met our care assistant Marion McGrath.

She's the one who really keeps this place going.

You don't want to make an enemy of her, though.

I'm just joking!

Oh...I'll bear that in mind.

Let's get you to that gym.

History, geography...yoga?

Oh, here we go, science with Mr Lucy.

OK.

Make a good first impression.

Just be normal.

I said be normal!

OK.

Well...

Uh...you must be Roy.

I'm Mr Lucy. Class, this is our new pupil, Roy.

Hi.

If anyone has any questions for Roy,

you can save them for your lunch break.

Is he a cartoon?

Remember what I said about the questions?

Stick 'em.

It's OK, Mr Lucy. And, yeah, I'm a cartoon.

But don't worry. I might look a little different

but I'm just like all of you.

SIZZLE!

Aaaargh!

HE SCREAMS

HISSING

The good news is things can only get better.

Phew!

So much for a good first impression.

What a disaster.

I'm going to hide behind this book for the rest of me life.

OK, this week, we'll all be making documentaries on our camera phones.

They can be no longer than two minutes

and the theme is A Day In The Life Of...

Yeah! So, Miss, does that mean we can use our phones in school?

Only if you're working on the film.

And the makers of our favourite documentary get an afternoon off

to watch a film of their choice.

CHEERING

Can you believe this place?

There was only one camera in me old school, and that was security camera

watching the desserts in the canteen.

So, like, when you go to sleep at night do cartoon Zs

-come out of your mouth?

-Oh, oh, and are all your friends like...

ELMER FUDD VOICE: ..cartoon wabbits and dawgs?

They're just real pigs, like yours.

She's talking about yous two.

-I'm Tara. This is Abby, Shaun and Niall.

-Hi, Roy.

-Hey.

-You really are a cartoon.

-Abby!

That's OK. Thanks for helping me out. I owe you one.

-Funny you should say that.

-We have a little favour to ask.

We want you to be in our film - A Day In The Life Of A Cartoon Boy.

Me? Really? I can't believe you picked me.

-How many other cartoons do we know?

-Oh, yeah.

OK, so what's our angle?

Do you solve crimes or do you have a cartoon arch enemy or something?

-For goodness' sake.

-It's called research.

No, I don't have anything like that.

I'm just a regular boy. Except, you know, a cartoon.

And I'd like this film to show that.

No cartoony stuff, just everyday, ordinary life.

I think that's a brilliant idea.

I guess I could work with that.

Thanks, guys.

GIGGLING

In a hurry, are we, boys?

Well, obviously.

Do you mind?

Do you know who I am?

-Jervis' dad?

-What?

No! I am the new vice principal.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heard something about that.

Derek, right? Yeah, well, Derek, we got to run so we'll see you around.

Let's get him!

Who says you don't get a second chance to make a first impression?

Sure, I had a bit of a rocky start.

This movie will prove to everyone that I'm just like them.

Now they'll see I'm normal -

normal, normal, normal, normal.

HE CHUCKLES

Em...can we do this bit again?

'And so, filming begins with breakfast at the O'Briens'.'

So, what's the plan?

Plan? You can't plan the truth.

I'm not making a phoney documentary

just to please some Hollywood fat cat and Miss Jervis.

-So...?

-So there's no plan.

I want to capture every moment of Roy's day.

Now get in there! Ready?

Action.

SHOWER RUNS

ALL: ARRRGGGHHH!

OK. We need a plan.

As you can see, a typical family breakfast in the morning.

Nothing strange here.

Yes, Roy - very typical.

Now, can you stop talking into the camera and act natural?

Act natural - got it.

Nothing more natural than a kid having beans in the morning.

Ah, you can't have beans, love - they give you wind, remember.

Ma, not in front of the camera!

I'm just saying.

Eh, Niall?

I wouldn't bend down there if I was you, son.

He's going to blow!

I've been around,

and I've seen a lot of stuff in my time.

What do you see?

Stuff - you know, life stuff.

-Anyway...

-When was this?

You do know I have a life outside of you guys?

Anyway, my point is, I've never seen anything like this...

ROY BELCHES AND BREAKS WIND

-Light a match there, Maura.

-Sorry, Niall.

Good one, Roy.

Like when you were in the Scouts?

Let it go, Shaun.

-Where were you this morning?

-You know I don't do mornings.

-How's the film going?

-It's...interesting.

Why is Lucy always staring at Miss Jervis?

Never mind that! You're supposed to be filming Roy.

If it isn't the new boy!

I made something special just for you.

ROY GULPS

GIRLS GIGGLE

Oh, no, no, no - I'll just get what everyone else is getting.

Nothing special about me.

Fine.

Oh, no...

BOING!

LAUGHTER

Grrr!

Come on - this is great stuff!

WHIZZ! CRASH!

What...?

Couldn't be...

Stop!

What's up, Derek?

Wha...?

All right, Derek?

This isn't over, O'Brien!

And cut!

Get them cameras out of my face!

Scene seven, take five.

Our film is called

A Day In The Life Of A Misunderstood Hero.

It's a film about how bullying is a good thing.

-No, it's not.

-Are you sure?

Yeah!

It's about a boy who everybody thinks is a bully,

but he's actually not.

All you have to do is take a closer look

and you realise he's a hero.

So you're saying you're not a bully?

Hm - yeah. I am. Why?

Do you have a problem with that?

No...!

'The evening is upon us

'and filming has almost come to an end.'

The lads just want to get one last shot of me

falling asleep at the end of the day.

Doesn't sound like much of an ending to me,

but all in all, I think the film went well.

ROY YAWNS

Now everyone will see

that I'm really just the same as they are.

COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS

YELLING AND SCREAMING

What's that?

I think he's dreaming.

I'll drop you guys home when you're done.

-Thanks, Mr O'Brien.

-No problem at all.

As long as you show me the way - I've a brutal sense of direction.

Aren't you a taxi driver?

Yeah. Yes, I am.

YELLING AND GUNSHOTS CONTINUE

-I think we should go.

-Wait - I want to see the end.

BOING!

BOTH: ARRRGGGHHH!

What's going on?

Ah, that's nothing. He's dreaming about cowboys again.

It's the dinosaurs that you have to watch out for -

I tell you, when that happens,

you don't get a wink of sleep those nights.

Oh!

KIDS GASP

Oh! Oh...

Oh, it's not supposed to end like this.

Ah...

Maura...

I'm only joking. It's a cartoon arrow.

Right. Let's get you kids home, shall we?

-Yeah.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

You look a bit pale, are you all right?

Off you go.

'It's lunchtime the following day

'and Tara has spent all morning cutting the film together

'to get it ready for Miss Jervis's class.'

VIDEO PLAYS

THEY LAUGH

So, what do you think?

-Good.

-Good? It's a masterpiece!

-Hilarious.

Maybe for you, but it's me they'll all be laughing at.

-What's the matter?

-What do you think?

The stretchy bit and the weird noises

and the googly thing and...everything!

Just when I thought I was blending in.

- Isn't being different a good thing? - Yeah...who wants to blend in?

Me!

Ah, come on, guys - isn't there anything you can do?

Maybe you can cut some bits out.

Yeah, and make it less cartoony and more...normal.

-That was the less cartoony version.

-Yeah. You should see the outtakes.

THUNDER RUMBLES

I'll see you in class.

Roy...

Look at this!

There's no way I'm going back to class -

sitting there while everyone's laughing at me.

No chance!

SLURPING

Mm...

What's that noise?

BOTH: ARRRGGGHHH!

What are you doing here?

Me?

I'm the new vice-principal.

What are YOU doing here?

This is my new school.

O'Brien?

Ending up here...with me!

I know why I'm hiding.

Any minute now, my whole class are going to sit down

and watch a film about what I weirdo I am.

But what are you doing in here?

Apart from eating chips and gravy, I mean.

MR HAMMOND SIGHS

I suppose...I'm hiding too, Roy.

This school doesn't make any sense to me.

Do you know what the pupils call me?

"Derek."

I mean, where's the fear? Where's the respect?

I don't know - maybe my teaching days are over.

Don't say that - if it makes you feel any better,

bumping into you was one of the scariest things

that happened to me in years.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I'm pretty sure once the kids get to know you,

they'll be scared of you too.

In time, they might even learn to hate you.

Thank you, O'Brien.

You know, deep down - very deep down -

you're not the worst boy in the world.

But nobody will know any of this if we stay hidden in the supply room.

So I think we should go out there and show them who we really are.

What do you say, O'Brien?

Let's do this.

See you around, sir.

So you will, O'Brien -

in the Reflection Room at 4 o'clock, for a start.

What?

Detention, O'Brien. Detention.

Unbelievable.

-Sorry, Miss. I got lost.

-Don't worry, we're not finished yet.

Next up, we've a film entitled A Day In The Life Of A Misunderstood Hero.

Look at this face. What do you see? A hero or a bully?

ALL: A bully.

But now, let's take a closer look.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Who is it that toughens you up for life outside school?

Deco!

D-D-D-Deco.

Deco!

D-D-D-Deco.

And who is it that keeps your diet nice and healthy?

Deco!

D-D-D-Deco.

Deco!

D-D-D-Deco.

And who is it that makes sure you get lots of exercise?

Deco!

D-D-D-Deco.

Deco!

TEACHER CLEARS THROAT

Nice work, Declan, that's certainly given us a lot to think about.

Is she serious? He's just a bully.

Miss! He's eating my crisps.

You can thank him later, we're running late. Tara, you had a film.

GULP!

-Sorry, Miss. I must have forgotten it.

-Oh, that is a pity.

-Thanks, guys.

-What are friends for?

-My masterpiece!

Hang on there, Miss.

-I found a DVD!

-Oh, great!

I saw you slip it into your bag.

I did! That's not our film.

-That's the outtakes.

-Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

Like all boys, I'd rather spend my evenings watching the football.

But you don't always get what you want

with a teenage girl in the house.

Knowing her, she'll want to watch some romantic mush tonight.

HE WAILS

Why can't they just learn to love each other again?

I can't believe I missed the match for this.

KIDS LAUGH

-'Ma! Becky's not passing me the marmalade!

-Get it yourself!'

HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

KIDS ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Now they're just being rude.

They could even try not to laugh at me.

-They're not laughing AT you, Roy, they're laughing WITH you.

-Yeah.

I think they really like our film.

CHEERING

Roy? I hate to wake him when he's sleeping.

He looks so cute when he's dreaming.

EXPLOSION

Oh, wow, I was having the best dream!

What happened to you?

-I think we have a favourite.

-What? I don't understand.

Maybe you should try and be yourself more often.

That's a bit corny, Tara. Even for you.

But since we don't play favourites here at SPL,

I'm going to let the whole class go to the screening.

CHEERING

-But, but Tara's team still gets to choose the film.

-Yes!

Amazing. It's the only word to describe him, isn't it?

-Is it true that you taught Roy in your previous school?

-Taught?

Well, I guess you could put it that way.

-So many questions are springing to mind.

-Go ahead.

-I'm something of an expert in unruly cartoon boys.

-Well, um...

Does he sleep the same way we do? How does his digestive system work?

If I was to drop an anvil on his head,

would he get a serious concussion, or...?

Yes, well, perhaps you should submit these things in writing, Mr Lucey.

Believe me, as a scientist, I would love nothing more than the chance

to conduct a year-long study of his unique cartoon abilities.

But as a teacher here at Sandyford Progressive Learning,

I am well aware of our responsibilities

towards the students.

-Tea?

-Oh, thank you.

Miss Jervis believes that we need to nurture

and celebrate the individual. I have always admired her for that.

-How splendid.

-But more importantly,

she believes that we must treat all the children equally.

I suppose Roy has had a lifetime of people pointing and staring at him.

Yes, and laughing too. There was a lot of that back in Ballyfurnas.

Well, he needn't worry about that here.

We'll have him welcomed into our little school family in no time.

-Lucky Roy!

-It's the least he deserves.

We all think he is a marvellous, marvellous child.

Yes, and not in the least bit infuriating or exhausting.

-Miss Jervis has a saying.

-I bet she does.

There's no such thing as a bad student. Only bad teachers.

Marvellous.

I've always thought so.

Well, I'd better get started on this list of questions about Roy.

-You do that, Mr Lucey.

-I will, take care.

-We can't believe we won!

-So what kind of film do you want to see?

-I'm kind of in the mood for a cartoon film.

-Me too.

-Roy?

-Sounds good to me.

-Oh, what a pity.

O'Brien has a previous engagement with me in the Reflection Room.

Ah, come on, sir!

-However, as it's your first week, I'm willing to let go.

-Yes!

-Until Monday.

-THEY GROAN

When you shall all be joining him for making noise in the corridor

and I wouldn't be making any plans for Tuesday either.

Ah, come on, Derek!

What did I just say about making noise in the corridor?

Much better.

And the name is Hammond. Mr Hammond.

HE SNORTS

-Can you do that?

-Yep.

-And that?

-Yep.

-Oh, wow!

You know, I think I might just get to like it here.

Oh! And can you do that?

Well, obviously I need a piano and a lot of fizzy drinks, but yep!

Huh?

Huh?

Who wouldn't want to come home to something like that?