Roy's First Kiss ROY

This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

All Roy really wants is to fit in,

but it's very hard to stay out of trouble

when you're a cartoon.

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

ALL: Roy!

Quiet down, everybody, quiet down.

Mr Hammond's artistic side is finally about to be recognised.

Ms Jervis has called upon my extensive theatrical talents,

and I will be teaching theatre class this week.

We improvised being flowers last week, sir.

I was a tulip! Watch this, sir.

Well, you can forget that improvising nonsense, Roy,

because, as from today,

you will be rehearsing my version of Snow White,

which you will perform in front of the assembly.

STUDENTS: Ooh...

Auditions begin today.

Erm, we usually pick roles from a hat, sir.

Tara, Tara, Tara.

I didn't become a renowned theatre director

by choosing actors from hats.

I'm going to be the Prince!

Finally, I'm going to get to kiss a girl!

I mean, I'll finally get to kiss a girl in a play.

Cos obviously I've kissed thousands of girls before. Yeah.

Just not in a, erm...play.

It's audition time in Sandyford Progressive

and the search to find the Prince and Snow White has begun.

-I feel sick.

-Relax, it's just a play.

I never told anyone this before,

but when I was six I played Cinderella in a play

and I forgot all my lines

and I burst out crying in front of everyone.

Same thing happened to me at the circus. So what?

Think I'm going to be terrified of clowns for the rest of my life?

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... #

It's not a musical, Sophie.

But it needs sparkle and I'm the girl to bring it!

And Sophie...

Action!

My kingdom for a prince!

Where are you my beautiful prince?

# I'm waiting here for you. #

Next!

But I haven't done my tap dance part yet.

Less is more, Sophie, less is more. And in your case, a lot less!

Next in line... Tara.

-I don't want to do this.

-Relax.

Just don't forget your lines.

Is that a clown?

Action!

My kingdom

for a prince...

Why must I suffer so?

I have nothing but love in my heart,

not a soul to give it to.

We have our Snow White!

Wha...?

I hope I get the part of Sneezy.

Good luck!

Don't need it, got my lucky charm.

That's your lucky charm?

Hey, I've had it since I was five. You'll see, It's lucky.

How'd it go?

I'm playing the witch. Tara is Snow White.

-I've got to play the Prince.

-I have to play the Prince! Oh!

I need to borrow your lucky charm.

Pshh... As if.

Right, let's see if any of you are prince material.

Roy, let's get you over with first so we can get onto the real actors.

Break a leg!

Oh, no!

Oh, s... Sorry.

Forget it, loser. I'm going to be the Prince!

I think he's OK.

And action!

Today would be nice, O'Brien!

Where art thou, Snow White?

Ahhh! Ohh, the pain!

If only I had been there!

Oh, Snow White, I have failed thee!

It hurts, it hurts so much...

I never would have suspected...

Roy,

you're a natural.

Gentlemen, we have our prince!

Yes!

Make sure to read the script tonight, rehearsals start tomorrow!

This isn't fair, I was born to play that part!

Roy looks nothing like a prince. I'm perfect.

Tell you what, O'Leary, you can be Roy's understudy.

If something happens to Roy, you can take his place.

And anyway, you can have the best part in the play -

Dopey the dwarf.

Are you worried about being the lead in the play?

Nah, sure I could do it standing on me head.

'Tis I, my sweet Snow White,

Roy, Prince of Cooltasia!

Wake up, your snoring is brutal!

You should add that to the script. Hamo would love it.

Have no fear, Snow White, with these gentle lips,

my kiss shall awaken you from your slumber.

Wait... I have to kiss her? Whoa!

Duh, of course you have to kiss her, it's Snow White!

I thought it was about a girl with mad, long hair and a glass shoe.

That's Cinderella and Rapunzel.

Right. So that means I have to kiss...

Tara!

Have you ever kissed anyone before?

Er, yeah. Loads of times.

I'm an expert.

Roy, are you all right, love?

Er... Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't have a temperature.

'And the Prince leaned in and kissed Snow White on the lips...'

You worried about kissing that girl in the play?

-Muack!

-Becky!

No.

Yeah.

Well, I never kissed a girl before.

What's the story Roysterooni?

Story? No story.

He's worried about having to kiss the girl in the play.

Don't be worried. You have an expert in your corner here.

See, it's all about confidence, son.

Just be confident and it will happen.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

I was floating on air after me first kiss.

It was the best kiss I ever had!

With Ma?

Ha-ha, not at all, no.

Her name was Wanda, Wa, W...

I wonder if the...erm...

Actually now that I think about it,

it wasn't a very good kiss at all. In fact, it was a brutal kiss.

Just be yourself, love. And just make sure you have some fresh breath.

Nothing worse than bad breath.

What?

So, Roy's big first kiss, hey?

Are there any secrets in this house?

Relax, I overheard Ma and Da giving you advice earlier.

Urgh...embarrassing.

-Tell me about it!

-Look, forget all that nonsense.

The only thing you need to remember

is to have plenty of spit in your mouth.

-Really?

-Yeah, nothing worse than a dry kiss.

Oh, and make sure to open your mouth as wide as possible.

Thanks, Becky.

So lame.

'Just be confident.'

'Make sure you have some fresh breath.'

'Have plenty of spit in your mouth.'

No, no, go right ahead.

And cue the Prince!

Oh, gross, Roy!

You're supposed to kiss the Princess, Roy, not drown her!

Eh...eh...

That was priceless.

If it were me, Tara would be amazed.

I'm the best kisser in the country.

Roy, I know you're in there.

I'm so sorry.

It's just I've never kissed a girl before,

and Becky said I should have lots of spit and...

Relax, Roy, it's just a stupid play.

I always mess things up.

Well, I'm surprised no girl has ever kissed you before.

You're funny and lovely.

Anyway, let's head back before Hamo has another meltdown.

Uh-oh. This won't end well.

What's up?

I think Roy might have a crush on you.

No way, we're just mates.

All right, let's try this again. Places, everyone!

And cue Prince!

It's just a kiss, no big deal.

Just close your eyes...

Whoa!

No, no, no!

Sorry, sir, I don't know what happened!

Throw down your crown, Roy.

Right, Deco, you are our new Prince.

Sometimes I hate being a cartoon.

He can't help who he is, sir!

No, it's not because he's a cartoon.

It's because you are floating!

-Because...

-Because he's a cartoon.

I've had enough Ms Jervis in my ear about cartoon discrimination

to last me a lifetime!

Right, fine.

Roy remains Prince.

Yes!

I shouldn't have to put up with this.

I'm a well-known theatre director!

Do you know what the local newspaper said

about my last production at the community centre?

I happen to have a copy of it right here.

Listen to this.

'The play was brief.

'Genius move on behalf of the director.

'It made this play tolerable.'

Genius. Director.

Now I have to re-write the play

to include a floating prince no less.

A floating prince!

Tolerable?

What?

I'm surprised no girl has ever kissed you before,

you're funny and lovely.

You brushed your teeth.

-Only the best for you, love.

-Oh!

Hiyas!

-Dr...

-Raschid.

-Yeah.

Mmm... It's probably a cartoon response

to being emotionally elated. Yeah.

Roy is going to have to think of something to make him sad,

aren't you, Roy?

He's way too happy! You're going to have to bring him down.

And don't make it too obvious or else it won't work.

-OK?

-We'll try our best.

Good. And talk to his friends, maybe they can help.

I've never been so happy in my life, I'm floating on air!

Ho-ho!

And then, you see, the mother rabbit

was separated from all the little baby rabbits in the dark forest

and, would you believe, they were all eaten by wolves.

-That's so sad!

-One by one.

Tara loves wolves.

Mmmm... Everything tastes like sausages. Life is great!

Almost as sweet as her smile.

Roy, why not try some extra-mild curry sauce?

Yummy!

Mmm!

Wow, it's very tasty and...

HIS STOMACH RUMBLES Whoa! Wheeeee!

Oh, wicked! Can I have some more?

Don't worry, love, I'll think of something.

You better.

Now, make sure you get all the muck out of there, right?

Like this?

Lovely.

# Oh, Tara

# You're lovelier than pizza

# With extra gooey cheeeeeese! #

Watch that corner, love.

There's a spider there and you know how Roy...

Hates spiders.

Make sure you get that corner over there, Roysterooni.

No bother, Da!

Arggghhhh! Get it off!

Look at the state of me!

Ugh, I stink.

Wait, that's not curry.

Roy!

Ha-ha! Just practising for my next big kiss scene with Tara.

Gross!

Thanks for the great advice!

Get lost!

Don't worry, Sis, someone will like you someday...

then you'll stop being so cranky.

I'll call his friends, maybe they can bring him down somehow.

What about that Sean lad?

Hairy legs... climbing all over me.

-Thanks for taking Roy to school.

-Ah, no, you're grand.

Now remember to let the others know the plan, OK?

Everything should be on a downer. Repeat after me - everything...

-Everything.

-Should be.

-Should be.

-On a downer.

-On a downer.

Very down. So sad.

Ah, what a beautiful school day!

-Down.

-Down.

-So down.

-So down.

-Good luck.

Pedal faster! I think that crow's coming back for a second attack!

I'm trying, OK?

Hi, Clare! Looking good there, Paddy.

Roy's Ma said we have to be mean to him.

Really? Then he'll deflate?

No way I'm going to be mean to him. He's always nice to me.

But you have to! It's your fault anyway.

I told you already, Roy doesn't have a crush on me, we're just mates!

Hey, Tara?

I'm really sorry about yesterday, with the mad floating and all.

You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Roy, you should be proud.

Are you OK?

Erm, yeah, for sure.

Abby, I think you're right.

-Roy has got a crush on me.

-Duh.

Yeah, I think Tara has got a crush on me.

But maybe it's with the Prince and not me?

Like, we're both really cool, but...

You should be romantic outside the play

and see if she has a crush on you in real life.

Yeah, but how?

I know, you should try a French accent, girls love that.

Oh, and a song. Girls love being serenaded.

Actually a song in French, she'd love that!

But I don't know French!

I'll help you write it at lunch.

OK, stuff girls like... What do we have so far?

Kittens, ice-cream,

flowers and yer man with the mad hair from that vampire film.

Oooh, don't forget shoes - girls love shoes.

Perfect! And we can throw in a unicorn, too.

Brilliant, she's going to love this.

OK, from the top.

OK.

# Oh, Tara

# You are so pretty

# Your eyes are shiny like unicorn tears

# Kittens watch you on the internet cos you're so cute

# Oh, you're sweeter than ice-cream

# And rainbows in the night... #

Wicked! OK, I'll translate it into French.

Cool. Make sure you spell it like it sounds.

The only French I know is "oui".

Oui!

Hey, that's funny.

OK.

Psst!

-What do you want?

-I need a favour.

What's in it for me?

Do this and I guarantee you Roy won't want to do the play.

You'll take his spot and then you'll get to kiss Tara.

OK, I'll listen.

Hey!

Ow!

Stop!

'Your eyes are shiny like unicorn tears?'

Boys are idiots.

Hey!

Arggggh!

This is going to be a disaster!

OK, let's take it from the top, everyone.

A floating Prince enters.

Gol... Action!

Come on, Roy! The play will be over by the time you reach her.

Faster!

Sorry, sir, it's me ma's cooking.

I can't work under these conditions!

I'm an artiste, for goodness' sake!

There will be no play!

Nooo!

No! No, no, sir!

You can't cancel the play! I haven't kissed a girl yet!

THEY LAUGH

BELL RINGS

Roy, this is really hard for me to say.

What's up?

Wait... I am! I'm up.

No wonder Tara likes me, I'm funny.

Roy, Tara does like you.

I knew it!

But only as a friend.

You're just worried if Tara likes me you guys will stop being BFFs.

-What? No, I...

-You need to get over yourself.

Tara does like me, end of!

Bit of help?

I tried.

-Are you sure this is the one?

-Yes, I'm sure.

OK, let's do this!

Good luck!

Roy?

# Ton souffle est comme l'interieur d'un poisson mort

# Tes yeux sont comme des crottes de chien sur un trottoir glace. #

What? You think my breath smells like dead fish

and my eyes are like dog poo?

What? No!

It's supposed to say that your eyes are shiny like unicorn tears and...

I should just tell you how I really feel. I like you.

-I like you, too...

-No! I LIKE like you.

I'd love to be your...boyfriend.

What do you think?

-Roy...

-Yeah?

-Roy, I...

HIS TUMMY RUMBLES

Not now, stupid stomach! Never eating curry again.

Whoooa! Help!

Tara, do something!

Roy, I like you, but only as a friend.

I could never like a cartoon boy that way.

What have I done?!

Roy, I'm so sorry.

It hurts!

I was just being cruel to save you from flying away.

You were?

You didn't mean that about cartoon boys?

Cartoon boys rock, Roy. You rock.

I'm really glad that you got to kiss me and not Deco.

Ha-ha, yeah.

That was my first ever kiss, too.

-Really?

-Really.

And I think I know someone else who secretly likes you.

Who?

If I'm right, she'll tell you soon enough herself.

Ha-ha, someone's got a crush on me! Cool.

So, we're still mates, then?

Of course we are.

Who else can I trust to punch me in the arm when I'm being an idiot?

Exactly!

C'mon, let's call the others, get a burger and watch a movie.

I'm so sorry for being really horrible.

You were just trying to help and I was an idiot.

Me, too. Sorry for not listening to you.

Don't worry, you two are my favourite idiots.

What, idiots?!

-SHE BURPS

-Oops, sorry,

it's the onion rings.

Oh... Onion breath!

-Go on, give us a kiss, Roy!

-No!

-Mwah! Mwah!

Whoa! Whoa!

THEY LAUGH