Roy's First Kiss ROY


Roy's First Kiss

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This is the story of Roy O'Brien.

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He lives in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.

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The only trouble is he doesn't look very ordinary.

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All Roy really wants is to fit in,

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but it's very hard to stay out of trouble

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when you're a cartoon.

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Roy!

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Roy!

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Roy!

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ALL: Roy!

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Quiet down, everybody, quiet down.

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Mr Hammond's artistic side is finally about to be recognised.

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Ms Jervis has called upon my extensive theatrical talents,

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and I will be teaching theatre class this week.

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We improvised being flowers last week, sir.

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I was a tulip! Watch this, sir.

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Well, you can forget that improvising nonsense, Roy,

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because, as from today,

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you will be rehearsing my version of Snow White,

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which you will perform in front of the assembly.

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STUDENTS: Ooh...

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Auditions begin today.

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Erm, we usually pick roles from a hat, sir.

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Tara, Tara, Tara.

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I didn't become a renowned theatre director

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by choosing actors from hats.

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I'm going to be the Prince!

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Finally, I'm going to get to kiss a girl!

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I mean, I'll finally get to kiss a girl in a play.

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Cos obviously I've kissed thousands of girls before. Yeah.

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Just not in a, erm...play.

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It's audition time in Sandyford Progressive

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and the search to find the Prince and Snow White has begun.

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-I feel sick.

-Relax, it's just a play.

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I never told anyone this before,

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but when I was six I played Cinderella in a play

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and I forgot all my lines

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and I burst out crying in front of everyone.

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Same thing happened to me at the circus. So what?

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Think I'm going to be terrified of clowns for the rest of my life?

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# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... #

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It's not a musical, Sophie.

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But it needs sparkle and I'm the girl to bring it!

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And Sophie...

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Action!

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My kingdom for a prince!

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Where are you my beautiful prince?

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# I'm waiting here for you. #

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Next!

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But I haven't done my tap dance part yet.

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Less is more, Sophie, less is more. And in your case, a lot less!

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Next in line... Tara.

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-I don't want to do this.

-Relax.

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Just don't forget your lines.

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Is that a clown?

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Action!

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My kingdom

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for a prince...

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Why must I suffer so?

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I have nothing but love in my heart,

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not a soul to give it to.

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We have our Snow White!

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Wha...?

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I hope I get the part of Sneezy.

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Good luck!

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Don't need it, got my lucky charm.

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That's your lucky charm?

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Hey, I've had it since I was five. You'll see, It's lucky.

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How'd it go?

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I'm playing the witch. Tara is Snow White.

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-I've got to play the Prince.

-I have to play the Prince! Oh!

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I need to borrow your lucky charm.

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Pshh... As if.

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Right, let's see if any of you are prince material.

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Roy, let's get you over with first so we can get onto the real actors.

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Break a leg!

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Oh, no!

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Oh, s... Sorry.

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Forget it, loser. I'm going to be the Prince!

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I think he's OK.

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And action!

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Today would be nice, O'Brien!

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Where art thou, Snow White?

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Ahhh! Ohh, the pain!

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If only I had been there!

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Oh, Snow White, I have failed thee!

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It hurts, it hurts so much...

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I never would have suspected...

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Roy,

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you're a natural.

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Gentlemen, we have our prince!

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Yes!

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Make sure to read the script tonight, rehearsals start tomorrow!

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This isn't fair, I was born to play that part!

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Roy looks nothing like a prince. I'm perfect.

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Tell you what, O'Leary, you can be Roy's understudy.

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If something happens to Roy, you can take his place.

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And anyway, you can have the best part in the play -

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Dopey the dwarf.

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Are you worried about being the lead in the play?

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Nah, sure I could do it standing on me head.

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'Tis I, my sweet Snow White,

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Roy, Prince of Cooltasia!

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Wake up, your snoring is brutal!

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You should add that to the script. Hamo would love it.

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Have no fear, Snow White, with these gentle lips,

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my kiss shall awaken you from your slumber.

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Wait... I have to kiss her? Whoa!

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Duh, of course you have to kiss her, it's Snow White!

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I thought it was about a girl with mad, long hair and a glass shoe.

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That's Cinderella and Rapunzel.

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Right. So that means I have to kiss...

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Tara!

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Have you ever kissed anyone before?

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Er, yeah. Loads of times.

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I'm an expert.

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Roy, are you all right, love?

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Er... Yeah, I'm fine.

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You don't have a temperature.

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'And the Prince leaned in and kissed Snow White on the lips...'

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You worried about kissing that girl in the play?

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-Muack!

-Becky!

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No.

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Yeah.

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Well, I never kissed a girl before.

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What's the story Roysterooni?

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Story? No story.

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He's worried about having to kiss the girl in the play.

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Don't be worried. You have an expert in your corner here.

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See, it's all about confidence, son.

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Just be confident and it will happen.

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-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

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I was floating on air after me first kiss.

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It was the best kiss I ever had!

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With Ma?

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Ha-ha, not at all, no.

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Her name was Wanda, Wa, W...

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I wonder if the...erm...

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Actually now that I think about it,

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it wasn't a very good kiss at all. In fact, it was a brutal kiss.

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Just be yourself, love. And just make sure you have some fresh breath.

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Nothing worse than bad breath.

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What?

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So, Roy's big first kiss, hey?

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Are there any secrets in this house?

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Relax, I overheard Ma and Da giving you advice earlier.

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Urgh...embarrassing.

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-Tell me about it!

-Look, forget all that nonsense.

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The only thing you need to remember

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is to have plenty of spit in your mouth.

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-Really?

-Yeah, nothing worse than a dry kiss.

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Oh, and make sure to open your mouth as wide as possible.

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Thanks, Becky.

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So lame.

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'Just be confident.'

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'Make sure you have some fresh breath.'

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'Have plenty of spit in your mouth.'

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No, no, go right ahead.

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And cue the Prince!

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Oh, gross, Roy!

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You're supposed to kiss the Princess, Roy, not drown her!

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Eh...eh...

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That was priceless.

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If it were me, Tara would be amazed.

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I'm the best kisser in the country.

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Roy, I know you're in there.

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I'm so sorry.

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It's just I've never kissed a girl before,

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and Becky said I should have lots of spit and...

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Relax, Roy, it's just a stupid play.

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I always mess things up.

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Well, I'm surprised no girl has ever kissed you before.

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You're funny and lovely.

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Anyway, let's head back before Hamo has another meltdown.

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Uh-oh. This won't end well.

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What's up?

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I think Roy might have a crush on you.

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No way, we're just mates.

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All right, let's try this again. Places, everyone!

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And cue Prince!

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It's just a kiss, no big deal.

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Just close your eyes...

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Whoa!

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No, no, no!

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Sorry, sir, I don't know what happened!

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Throw down your crown, Roy.

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Right, Deco, you are our new Prince.

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Sometimes I hate being a cartoon.

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He can't help who he is, sir!

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No, it's not because he's a cartoon.

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It's because you are floating!

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-Because...

-Because he's a cartoon.

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I've had enough Ms Jervis in my ear about cartoon discrimination

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to last me a lifetime!

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Right, fine.

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Roy remains Prince.

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Yes!

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I shouldn't have to put up with this.

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I'm a well-known theatre director!

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Do you know what the local newspaper said

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about my last production at the community centre?

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I happen to have a copy of it right here.

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Listen to this.

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'The play was brief.

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'Genius move on behalf of the director.

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'It made this play tolerable.'

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Genius. Director.

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Now I have to re-write the play

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to include a floating prince no less.

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A floating prince!

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Tolerable?

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What?

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I'm surprised no girl has ever kissed you before,

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you're funny and lovely.

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You brushed your teeth.

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-Only the best for you, love.

-Oh!

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Hiyas!

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-Dr...

-Raschid.

-Yeah.

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Mmm... It's probably a cartoon response

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to being emotionally elated. Yeah.

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Roy is going to have to think of something to make him sad,

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aren't you, Roy?

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He's way too happy! You're going to have to bring him down.

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And don't make it too obvious or else it won't work.

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-OK?

-We'll try our best.

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Good. And talk to his friends, maybe they can help.

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I've never been so happy in my life, I'm floating on air!

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Ho-ho!

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And then, you see, the mother rabbit

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was separated from all the little baby rabbits in the dark forest

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and, would you believe, they were all eaten by wolves.

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-That's so sad!

-One by one.

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Tara loves wolves.

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Mmmm... Everything tastes like sausages. Life is great!

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Almost as sweet as her smile.

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Roy, why not try some extra-mild curry sauce?

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Yummy!

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Mmm!

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Wow, it's very tasty and...

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HIS STOMACH RUMBLES Whoa! Wheeeee!

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Oh, wicked! Can I have some more?

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Don't worry, love, I'll think of something.

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You better.

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Now, make sure you get all the muck out of there, right?

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Like this?

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Lovely.

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# Oh, Tara

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# You're lovelier than pizza

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# With extra gooey cheeeeeese! #

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Watch that corner, love.

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There's a spider there and you know how Roy...

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Hates spiders.

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Make sure you get that corner over there, Roysterooni.

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No bother, Da!

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Arggghhhh! Get it off!

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Look at the state of me!

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Ugh, I stink.

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Wait, that's not curry.

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Roy!

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Ha-ha! Just practising for my next big kiss scene with Tara.

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Gross!

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Thanks for the great advice!

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Get lost!

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Don't worry, Sis, someone will like you someday...

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then you'll stop being so cranky.

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I'll call his friends, maybe they can bring him down somehow.

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What about that Sean lad?

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Hairy legs... climbing all over me.

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-Thanks for taking Roy to school.

-Ah, no, you're grand.

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Now remember to let the others know the plan, OK?

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Everything should be on a downer. Repeat after me - everything...

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-Everything.

-Should be.

-Should be.

-On a downer.

-On a downer.

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Very down. So sad.

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Ah, what a beautiful school day!

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-Down.

-Down.

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-So down.

-So down.

-Good luck.

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Pedal faster! I think that crow's coming back for a second attack!

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I'm trying, OK?

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Hi, Clare! Looking good there, Paddy.

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Roy's Ma said we have to be mean to him.

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Really? Then he'll deflate?

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No way I'm going to be mean to him. He's always nice to me.

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But you have to! It's your fault anyway.

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I told you already, Roy doesn't have a crush on me, we're just mates!

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Hey, Tara?

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I'm really sorry about yesterday, with the mad floating and all.

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You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Roy, you should be proud.

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Are you OK?

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Erm, yeah, for sure.

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Abby, I think you're right.

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-Roy has got a crush on me.

-Duh.

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Yeah, I think Tara has got a crush on me.

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But maybe it's with the Prince and not me?

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Like, we're both really cool, but...

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You should be romantic outside the play

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and see if she has a crush on you in real life.

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Yeah, but how?

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I know, you should try a French accent, girls love that.

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Oh, and a song. Girls love being serenaded.

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Actually a song in French, she'd love that!

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But I don't know French!

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I'll help you write it at lunch.

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OK, stuff girls like... What do we have so far?

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Kittens, ice-cream,

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flowers and yer man with the mad hair from that vampire film.

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Oooh, don't forget shoes - girls love shoes.

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Perfect! And we can throw in a unicorn, too.

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Brilliant, she's going to love this.

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OK, from the top.

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OK.

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# Oh, Tara

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# You are so pretty

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# Your eyes are shiny like unicorn tears

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# Kittens watch you on the internet cos you're so cute

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# Oh, you're sweeter than ice-cream

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# And rainbows in the night... #

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Wicked! OK, I'll translate it into French.

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Cool. Make sure you spell it like it sounds.

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The only French I know is "oui".

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Oui!

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Hey, that's funny.

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OK.

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Psst!

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-What do you want?

-I need a favour.

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What's in it for me?

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Do this and I guarantee you Roy won't want to do the play.

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You'll take his spot and then you'll get to kiss Tara.

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OK, I'll listen.

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Hey!

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Ow!

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Stop!

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'Your eyes are shiny like unicorn tears?'

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Boys are idiots.

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Hey!

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Arggggh!

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This is going to be a disaster!

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OK, let's take it from the top, everyone.

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A floating Prince enters.

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Gol... Action!

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Come on, Roy! The play will be over by the time you reach her.

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Faster!

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Sorry, sir, it's me ma's cooking.

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I can't work under these conditions!

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I'm an artiste, for goodness' sake!

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There will be no play!

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Nooo!

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No! No, no, sir!

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You can't cancel the play! I haven't kissed a girl yet!

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THEY LAUGH

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BELL RINGS

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Roy, this is really hard for me to say.

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What's up?

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Wait... I am! I'm up.

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No wonder Tara likes me, I'm funny.

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Roy, Tara does like you.

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I knew it!

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But only as a friend.

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You're just worried if Tara likes me you guys will stop being BFFs.

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-What? No, I...

-You need to get over yourself.

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Tara does like me, end of!

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Bit of help?

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I tried.

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-Are you sure this is the one?

-Yes, I'm sure.

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OK, let's do this!

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Good luck!

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Roy?

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# Ton souffle est comme l'interieur d'un poisson mort

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# Tes yeux sont comme des crottes de chien sur un trottoir glace. #

0:24:250:24:31

What? You think my breath smells like dead fish

0:24:310:24:33

and my eyes are like dog poo?

0:24:330:24:35

What? No!

0:24:350:24:37

It's supposed to say that your eyes are shiny like unicorn tears and...

0:24:370:24:41

I should just tell you how I really feel. I like you.

0:24:420:24:46

-I like you, too...

-No! I LIKE like you.

0:24:460:24:50

I'd love to be your...boyfriend.

0:24:510:24:54

What do you think?

0:24:540:24:56

-Roy...

-Yeah?

-Roy, I...

0:24:560:24:59

HIS TUMMY RUMBLES

0:24:590:25:01

Not now, stupid stomach! Never eating curry again.

0:25:010:25:05

Whoooa! Help!

0:25:100:25:13

Tara, do something!

0:25:130:25:15

Roy, I like you, but only as a friend.

0:25:180:25:21

I could never like a cartoon boy that way.

0:25:210:25:24

What have I done?!

0:25:400:25:42

Roy, I'm so sorry.

0:25:420:25:44

It hurts!

0:25:440:25:47

I was just being cruel to save you from flying away.

0:25:470:25:50

You were?

0:25:500:25:52

You didn't mean that about cartoon boys?

0:25:520:25:54

Cartoon boys rock, Roy. You rock.

0:25:540:25:56

I'm really glad that you got to kiss me and not Deco.

0:25:580:26:01

Ha-ha, yeah.

0:26:010:26:02

That was my first ever kiss, too.

0:26:020:26:05

-Really?

-Really.

0:26:050:26:06

And I think I know someone else who secretly likes you.

0:26:090:26:14

Who?

0:26:140:26:15

If I'm right, she'll tell you soon enough herself.

0:26:160:26:19

Ha-ha, someone's got a crush on me! Cool.

0:26:190:26:23

So, we're still mates, then?

0:26:230:26:25

Of course we are.

0:26:250:26:27

Who else can I trust to punch me in the arm when I'm being an idiot?

0:26:270:26:30

Exactly!

0:26:320:26:33

C'mon, let's call the others, get a burger and watch a movie.

0:26:340:26:38

I'm so sorry for being really horrible.

0:26:480:26:50

You were just trying to help and I was an idiot.

0:26:500:26:53

Me, too. Sorry for not listening to you.

0:26:530:26:56

Don't worry, you two are my favourite idiots.

0:26:570:27:00

What, idiots?!

0:27:000:27:02

-SHE BURPS

-Oops, sorry,

0:27:020:27:04

it's the onion rings.

0:27:040:27:06

Oh... Onion breath!

0:27:060:27:10

-Go on, give us a kiss, Roy!

-No!

-Mwah! Mwah!

0:27:100:27:13

Whoa! Whoa!

0:27:130:27:16

THEY LAUGH

0:27:160:27:20

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