Friendalicious Sadie J

Sorry, Roger kind of took ME for a walk round the park.

-Did he dress you as well?

-Happy BFF day to you too(!)

You didn't?

You did! Oh, my gaga -

two tickets to see FrightLight, the new hot romzomcom,

and platinum seats! Yay!

OK, enough about you. What did you get ME?

What did I get you?

What DID I get you...?

Only your favourite thing ever... in a bun.

How do you fit all the Jonas Brothers in a bun?

I meant this, erm...

a double cheeseburger!

With a...fry!

Make a wish...

That will go perfectly well with last year's plastic plate.

You forgot...again.

I did not forget. I just...didn't remember.

I'm sorry, Sas. I swear I'll make it up to you.

What, like you did last year - or the year before?

-You know, maybe this BFF thing is stupid anyway.

-No, I love BFG day.

It's BFF day!

I knew that. Where's your sense of humour, Jenkster?

-It's with the present that you haven't got me.

-Meowch!

OK, OK... Sorry, Sadie. This time, I'm on it. In fact I'm all over it.

The Kittykat will not let you down -

cos Sadie J is the most important thing in his life.

What is that mutt doing in my diner?!

Aaah... I meant him - not you,

little doggy... Urgh!

ROGER SNARLS Aaagh!

She's not with ME. Never seen her before.

Sadie who...?

# Can somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

-# But when they're in trouble, takes a girl to save the day

-Save the day

-# I'd love another girl around the place

-To be her

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girl, girl in a boy's world

# I know I'm stronger cos I got a positive mental attitude

# I'm understanding, kind of sensitive, so want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl

# In a boy's world. #

Lower...

Lower...

Stop! Stop.

Tell me, what part of "lower" do you not understand?

DANNY CLEARS THROAT

Hey... Where are you off to?

Camping, overnight.

-He's Bear Grylls.

-And he's Ray Mears. We're going back to nature.

What, like catching rats and cooking?

Don't be ridiculous!

We've got bonbons.

-Sorry lads, you're a bit too young.

-I think you'll find

that this is YOUR camping gear, from when you were our age.

And I think you'll find I was a little bit older.

I think you'll find you weren't.

I give you...exhibit A.

-Ugh!

-Ugh!

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Exhibit A...

"Steve Jenkins, Wilderness Diary - aged ten and a half."

-Oh, where'd you find that?

-In this little canvas baby.

Yeah - but MY dad never let me camp out overnight.

-HE MIMICS BUZZER

-"Camped out all night last night -

"It was whizz bang."

-"Whizz bang"(?)

-Give it a break, it was 1978.

I can see where you're coming from, but you've got to

remember one thing - I always had a responsible adult with me.

And that would be...Gary Gillmott, aged ten and three quarters(?)

He was a bit older.

OK, on three. One...

Two three!

Oh! Zingon blasters -

you've entered me for the Junior Mastermind tryouts,

specialist subject Space Cargo.

This is the best "best friend forever day" present EVER!

I like my... ergonomic calculator, too. Great(!)

It's not JUST ergonomic - it does square roots AND logarithms!

Wow...

Thank you so much, Sas. I'd never have the nerve

to enter this myself. What if I messed up?

What was the name of Captain Skylo's childhood chinchilla?

Miffy - a tawny-haired, three-month-old Andean variety.

Made her debut in ep seven, series four, part...

You're going to be fine.

Dedes! Sadie told me you were going to be on TV.

Have I told you how much I love MasterChef?

It's Mastermind - and no, you can't come.

Worth a shot.

Hey. I know where we could go instead for my belated BFF day pressie -

the Japanese Bowling Karaoke Roller Disco! You can sing as you swing.

Er...sorry, Sas. I'm busy.

Busy doin' nothin'! Come on, let's go.

I really can't. Mr Diary is chocka.

Chocka with what?

Look at the time! Got to go - things to see, people to mock. Ciao!

Let me get this straight.

The Kittykat of cool

just passed up the chance to go gaga in roller boots?

Sas, Sas - I have just had THE best idea ever.

Let me guess. It's about Space Cargo, or Junior Mastermind.

Wrong - it's about both.

Ta-da!

You see, I was at home drinking Earl Grey tea

and I had this crazy idea to dress up as a Space Cargon

for my first round of Junior Mastermind.

OK, firstly... You're 13! What are you doing drinking Earl Grey tea?

And secondly...what IS Earl Grey tea?

"Kit Karter Investigation." What?

Something's up with Kit, I know it is.

Yesterday he bailed on a Japanese roller disco, and today

he said he was too busy to join me at the new Nails nail bar.

-So...?

-So, his cuticles are ragged!

Which makes me deduce that something is definitely up.

Why don't you just ASK him what is "definitely up"?

Don't be ridiculous, Dede.

It makes more sense to follow him around undercover instead.

You're joking -

I mean, that's just plain desperate. Like, clinically bananas.

CUCKOO CLOCK

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gotcha.

Course I'm joking! As if -

me, follow Kit around, undercover? Are you mad?

"7th of June, 1978.

"Our English teacher Mrs Babbington has a mole on her chin so HAIRY

"that Gary told her she should stick a collar on it and call it Rover!"

-I thought you were setting up tents.

-We want to finish this. Gary is ace!

-Really?

-Yeah, I can't believe he ate

that whole boiled egg without chewing. Nutter!

What about shoving your toothbrush up his nose and watching you use it,

-that's exactly what I did to Jake.

-What...?

Well - when I say exactly, I don't exactly MEAN exactly...

Anyway. What happened to Gary?

I can't quite remember.

We were best mates one day, then we just sort of grew apart.

I guess these things just happen sometimes.

Anyway - come on. Tea's up.

I've been slaving over a hot stove all afternoon.

WE'RE best mates...

That couldn't happen to us.

Could it?

-Nah.

-Nah.

"MASTERMIND" MUSIC

Junior Mastermind Tryouts, contestant 29.

And your name is?

Er... Well, you see it's Delia Baxter. Dede for short.

Right. And your chosen...

Oops. Oh, dear.

And your chosen subject?

SHE FARTS Oops...

Erm... The award-winning television sci-fi spectacle that is...

-Yes?

-Case Spargo.

I mean, Space Fargo... Space Cargo!

Your time begins now.

Question one, what is the name of Captain Skylo's childhood chinchilla?

I er... know this one, I swear I do! Erm...

Biffy...

Tawny-haired...

Daffy...

Andean variety... It's Muffy!

Incorrect.

What? I know it's a bit Scooby-Doo, but give me a break.

What are you doing behind here?

You almost had leftovers on your bonce.

Sorry. I er...thought I saw a mouse?

A mouse?!

But it's gone now.

I don't even think there was one - just a very large, furry...tomato?

Anyways. No harm done.

No spillages, no "leftovers on my b..."

-Oops.

-Take these over there - before you make any more mess.

Like that. Booth 8...

-But that's Chloe's job. Where is she?

-Booth 8!

Two tickets to see FrightLight, the hot new romzomcom?

Do I get refreshments?

Of course! A platinum seat equals platinum service. You get the works.

You are SO my new favourite person.

You're so MY new favourite person!

I've always wanted an American friend.

-I'm Canadian.

-Canadian, American, Latvian, they're all the same to me.

Wow... You're like a TOTAL airhead.

You said it, girlfriend! Now, where are those shakes?

(I've got to get out of here... He's going to see me!)

What...

What is going on with this noodle brain?

Merci...

I can explain...

-Get out!

-Right, sorry.

Ugh... This is disgusting.

Beans, and sponge cake...

Mmm! That's actually quite tasty. Who knew?

At least I've still got you.

You're the best friend a girl could ever have. You'll never leave me.

"Aye, pet - that's because I'm a poster."

Ugh...

I have just had THE most humiliating afternoon.

-I went to...

-Me first. Kit's dumped me - for Trog Face!

-What?

-I was spying...

I mean - I stumbled upon them.

She called him her "new favourite person".

That's a figure of speech. Anyway, you'll never believe...

Then he called HER the same, and gave her the cinema tickets I gave HIM!

-Oh.

-Precisely.

I should have seen it coming.

He's always saying I dress like a colour-blind monkey,

and I'm about as cool as Kerry Katona -

which is not cool - but I'll show him.

-As Cheryl the Chezzster would say...

-"Why-aye, man, sweetheart, pet."

..anything that's worth having, sure enough worth fighting for.

I'm going to fight, fight, fight for his friendship.

Good for you. Now, Junior Mastermind...

Of course - congratulations! I knew you'd sail through.

-But I...

-Dede doesn't DO failure.

Unlike me. In fact, the day you come back here and

tell me you've failed at something is the day my whole world falls apart.

So how well did you do?

SHE LAUGHS UNEASILY

I er...

was...amazing, obviously!

Brilliant, fantastic...

Erm - John Humphrys was like, "Dede, you're off the proverbial hook.

-"You're..."

-OK, OK, no need to brag.

Six-inch pipe wrench...

Six-inch pipe wrench...

It would help if you didn't spend your whole time texting Joanna.

Joanna? Get with the programme, boss, we broke up last week.

This is Susie. She's lovely.

Oh, she's so funny.

Ha-ha. Good.

JAKE CLEARS THROAT

Ah... What are you two so pleased about?

We've been busy.

-On the interweb.

-You haven't been selling my stuff on "bid up"?

That was ONE TIME!

We've been on "go-online-and-find-your-mates.com."

And we've found your old mate Gary Gillmott.

No way!

-BOTH:

-Way.

Turns out you DON'T have to lose touch.

You can still be best buds - even now, when you're ancient!

I wouldn't even recognise him

if he came in here and said, "All right, Stevo? How's it going?"

All right, Stevo? How's it going?

Ha-ha-ha-ha...

The Gillmott is back in town!

You are SO going to get it!

Don't...even think about it.

She's so pretty...

HE GASPS Expecting someone else?

-Someone like Trog-face?

-What?

-The game's up, Kit Kat,

-I know you dumped me for the Trog.

-What are you doing? I thought

-you were going to fight, fight, fight for his friendship.

-I was,

but not in here. I just want to fight.

-Admit it, you gave her my tickets to see FrightLight, didn't you?

-Look,

it's not what you think. Chloe has...celebrity contacts.

He thinks I'm not cool enough. ..So that's why you jilted me.

I have not jilted you.

BTW - even my granny doesn't say jilted.

Even my words are unfashionable.

Look, guys, arguing is getting you nowhere.

Why don't we try and discuss this in a mature and sensible way?

Let's use a discussion tool.

Only the person holding the talking tomato can speak, OK?

No! Stuff your tomato.

I was your BFF and you cast me aside. Well, I've got news for you, buddy.

Have I? What news?

-I've got a new BFF too.

-Really?

-Who?

-Yah, he's called...

Zac Effoofoo.

Zac Effoofoo?

-What kind of name is that?

-A cool one.

And he's from the US, not just Canada,

and he's exactly like you, only he really knows Pixie Lott.

Ah! How dare you!

I know La Lott, I've been in constant contact with her for years.

-I've got the solicitor's letters to prove it.

-Whatevs. I can't stay here

wasting time with my ex-BFF when my new BFF

-is waiting to take me to a...Miley Cyrus concert...

-Ah!

-..with backstage passes.

-Ah!

-And breathe...

-Did you, or did you not, know about Mr...Effoofoo?

No idea. Though you can hardly complain.

You are cosying up to Chloe.

For a reason. I found out that Chloe knows one of the Jonas Brothers.

Sadie adores them. And, let's face it, who doesn't? So I thought -

hangalang a minute, if I get close to Chloe,

Chloe gets the Jonas Brothers to hang out with us. Hey presto,

I get Sadie the best best friend day pressie ever.

And with one of the best boy bands in the history of the universe.

So why don't you just tell her, doofus?!

Uh-uh, not now she's dumped me for...Zac.

I'll show her I'm the best BFF ever, Effoofoo...is going down.

Oh... Oh...

-Ha-ha, you got me.

-It's a sock!

-You're hilarious.

-That wasn't us.

-But it was very funny!

-THEY LAUGH

Unlucky, mate, Stevo and the Gillmott strikes again.

Stevo and the Gillmott.

-That's our names.

-Don't wear 'em out. Mate, you've got something there.

Made you look, made you stare, even though there's nothing there! Ha-ha!

-What's going on?

-Nothing. They're just back to being...best buds.

Our work here is done.

-Hasn't the Gillmott got a job to go to?

-Oh, yeah, get this...

-I run a garage too...

-BOTH: Woo!

..but I've taken a couple of weeks off to get reacquainted with Stevo.

-Yeah, he's going to help me out.

-Steve, you don't need help.

From what I hear, he does.

Six-inch pipe wrench, anyone?

THEY LAUGH

That was so good, it deserves a hustle!

Bop bop bop, ba dop, ba dop, bop bop!

-Whizz-bang!

-THEY LAUGH

-OK, time out. Why didn't you tell me about Zac?

-OK...

Firstly, you're still using "time out" incorrectly.

And secondly, Zac doesn't exist.

-Oh, that's all right then... Huh?

-Well, what could I do?

I had my back against the wall, I had to fight Trog-face with Trog-face.

-Don't you dare tell him.

-But you lied.

-I don't like that word,

that's why I've changed it to...ice cream.

I just gave Kit a little ice cream, that's all.

Look, Sas, whatever you call it, it's still a...

Ugh! Why are you watching Junior Mastermind?

Duh, checking out your competition, Nerys knows nothing about

-Russian dolls, and that freak, Rupert, just froze.

-Huh-huh...

-Loser.

-So going to rule this show!

-Huh-huh...

I am, aren't I?

So, anyway, about this Zac stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a big bad liar.

No, one little ice cream can't hurt, can it? I mean,

as long as it's vanilla and not some wild, crazy concoction like coconut.

Are you feeling OK? MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS

Kit, I'm not talking to you.

Well, I rang to tell you I'm not talking to you.

But now I've got you, how's Mr Effoofoo?

Effoo-who?

Oh, my new BFF... Brilltastic, actually.

..What about that, Zac, pool party of yours? Count me in.

And a bowling alley. There was a party there last night

And Pixie Lott turned up and started DJ-ing. We had so much fun!

Tell him, Zac.

Erm... Yah, it was swell.

Miss Lott is just dandy.

He's from America, not 1957!

..Anyway, got to fly, things to see, people to mock.

Hang on... So, when can I meet this pale imitation of moi?

You could have met him tonight, if you weren't going to the cinema

-with Trog-face to see the romzomcom FrightLight.

-Well, if Zac was

any kind of BFF, he'd have bought you tickets to see

-the hot new romzomcom FrightLight.

-What, Zac? You've got a ticket

to see the hot new romzomcom FrightLight? He's GOT tickets.

Coolio. We'll see you there.

Looking forward to it.

NOOOO!

-NOOO!

-Enough, already!

Well, that's just perfectamundo.

I'm going to be outed as a complete fraud in front of Trog-face!

No wonder Kit's dumped me, I'd dump me if I wasn't already me.

Kit hasn't dumped you, I'm guessing. In fact, I'm pretty sure

he's got a rational explanation for why he's cosying up to Chloe.

That's it then, there's only one thing for it.

-Yes, you've got to 'fess up!

-Are you crazy?!

-You'll have to pretend to be Zac.

-What?

-You know, with a scarf

and sunglasses, and some very low lighting, this could actually work.

Look, Sas, there is no way I could ever, ever, ever pull this off.

-Zacky baby!

-Are you crazy?!

-Oh, come on, just slouch a bit,

put your hands in your pockets, lower your voice. How ya doin'?

How ya doin'?

No, I can't. I just...

I've got my Mastermind final tonight.

Sorry, and I so wanted to help.

OK, Dedes, I guess I'll have to go to the cinema and 'fess up...alone.

-So what if it means I have to suffer a fate worse than death?

-What's that?

Having absolutely no cool friends anymore!

-No offence.

-None taken.

That's it, that Gillmott is officially doing my head in.

He's got Steve playing target practice now with a bowl of custard.

-What's wrong with that?

-I'm the target.

-Chillax, they're just having fun.

-THEY LAUGH

Ding-ding! Round two.

-Beans... Where are the beans gone?

-In here, we're taking them camping.

I don't think so.

-Whatevs. We've got bonbons.

-What the Gillmott means is that

-you ain't going camping, we are.

-What?!

-You can come if you want.

-It'll be a bit of a squeeze. Dibsy the right side.

-Dibsy the left.

-Which means you're by the boots...

-BOTH: Phwoar!

So I get to run the garage tonight.

Ha-ha! Get real, we're closing early.

What do you mean 'we'? It's Steve's garage.

Not for much longer. Ha-ha!

Me and Gary, we're thinking of merging the businesses.

-Don't worry, it'll be great. OK?

-Stevo!

Hoo-hoo... Hoo-hoo... Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Chillax, you say, they're just having fun.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh!

Where are MY ring donuts?

What about my ring donuts?

I was promised the works. This isn't Sadie you're dealing with here,

I have standards. I have... Ah!

Chew on it, lady.

Excuse me...

Whoops, sorry. Thanks. ..Oh, hey, guys.

You're not going to believe this, Zac bumped into the JLS boys this avo'

and they invited him to a happening tonight,

-so we've all kind of been stood up.

-More like YOU'VE been stood up.

Told you he'd be a no-show. Why would someone that cool

hang out with someone this desperate?

-Sorry, was that a text message I heard?

-No.

-No.

Yep, oh, it was me.

"Hey, Sas, just back from Marvin's crib, meet me in the lobby."

-Seriously? Let me see.

-I'll just go fetch it... Sorry.

Excuse me.

This is the life, eh, Stevo?

Ah, back to nature.

-Couldn't be better.

-Well, I'm not enjoying it that much.

-Me neither.

Pretty soon, we'll be able to do this every night, when Mr Motors

-and Metal Motors join forces.

-Cheers.

You and me,

why did we ever stop being mates?

-Beats me.

-PARP!

I can't breathe!

It's not that bad. PARP!

-My eyes! My eyes!

-PARP!

Oh, it's all coming back to me now. PARP!

The smell. That's why we split up, you were notorious.

Guster Gillmott. PARP!

Floored the whole rugby team once after a vindaloo one night.

Every man for himself! PARP!

Go, go on. Quick. PARP!

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Move it, will ya? Out of my way.

I'm Zac, you must be Kit?

-What's with the scarf?

-I, erm, like to practise for when I'm famous.

No way, me too! I turn the lights on and off and pretend it's the paps.

So, yeah, anyway, Mr Effoofoo, where's your new BFF?

Oh, she's in the foyer. You see I was on a call to my boy, Justin,

and Sadie is this big fan of his.

Plus, I'd hate Bieber to talk to my best friend, Sas.

-Cha-cha fandango, he knows Justin Bieber!

-Ahem, Chloe.

-CRACKING

-Ow.

So, is it true you also know JLS?

I don't like to brag, but they've asked me to join the band.

BOTH: Zac is so cool!

-Oh...

-Shh!

-Excuse me, platinum.

-Kerching!

Can you believe they're buying this?!

Hey, that's my mate, Robert Pattinson.

Hey, Robbie, I didn't know he was in this.

I've totally pulled this off! Go, Zac. Go, Zac. Go, Zac.

Erm... Howdy, pardners, I'm Zac.

-THEY GASP

-You!

-And you!

-You!

-You!

-What happened to your Junior Mastermind final tonight?

I never made it through to the first round. That's why I came here

to save you from a fate worse than death, and no cool friends.

Hangalang, where the fizzy pop is the real Zac Effoofoo?

-He doesn't exist, I made him up.

-Uh, rewind.

-Yah-ha!

Look, I invented Zac because you dumped me, how pathetic is that?

-It was the only way I could think to get back at you.

-For the last time,

I have not dumped you. I did this all for you.

-Oh, yeah, how do you work that one out?

-OK, who ordered hot dogs?

Excuse me, I'm having an argument with my friend, so if you don't...

# Look me in the eyes

# And tell me that you love me... #

It's the... It's the Jonas Brothers!

It's the Jonas... It's the Jonas Brothers!

I know, that was the whole...

point.

Ta-da, me and the Jonas Brothers!

What are you doing?

-Well, Sadie had fainted.

-And they were in a bit of a rush

-to get their private jet home.

-And we thought Sadie wouldn't want

to miss the moment, so we took a snap.

Dribbling on Nick Jonas's sleeve.

Anyway, impressed much?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Final question is...

What was the name of Captain Skyloe's childhood chinchilla?

Er...

Miffy.

Correct!

Which means the Junior Mastermind Champion is...

-Dede Baxter!

-Oh!

-APPLAUSE

See, you don't need to go on some TV show to prove you're a Mastermind.

No, the fact that you'll bore your BFFs to death about it

every day is proof enough.