Slumberlicious Sadie J

Check out my tween-tastic slumbover guest list.

Out of your league, never going to happen, she's in Faliraki,

she SHOULD be. No, no, no, yes, yes, yes.

That's me, you and Dede.

-Dede's a "maybe".

-What can I g...?

Oh. OMG! You are having a slumbover?

-It's a sleepover meets a slumber night.

-I know what it is.

I got to see this loser list.

No way! All these girls are coming?

-No...

-Chantel Levinson is coming.

She's like me, only...British.

And the rest. Totally A-list.

She's so selective, she didn't even turn up to her own slumbover.

-Ya-ha!

-Oh, look, you forgot somebody.

-OMG! Chloe is coming to my slumbover?

-So that's four.

Are you crazy? You have to help me.

I've got to make sure all these other girls come, too.

Sorry, Sass, drama o'clock!

I've got my acting appraisal, emphasis on the "praisal"!

PHONE RINGS

-'Hello, Sadie?'

-Hey, Deeds!

'Are you in the hardware store?'

Of course I'm in the hardware store.

Yep, picking up those nine-inch nails right now.

-Shh!

-Oh, really?

And what about the spring balanced coils?

Er, let me check.

Not there, not there...

Ah, got 'em!

One sec, Deeds.

I knew you were bunking off.

That's why I went there myself.

Sass, we're on a deadline.

-The Trembler Teapot T-2000 won't invent itself.

-More's the pity.

We're presenting this to THE Duncan Bannatyne tomorrow and this was the last thing we had to do.

Oh, no, don't pull that face with me.

You're the one who signed us up for Dragons' Den.

That's when I thought we'd invent bacon and egg flavoured lipstick.

-Not some fancy teapot for grannies.

-Just admit it.

You've been totally distracted by this stupid slumbover, again.

Don't be ridonculous!

I was...

researching spouts for our teapot.

-Yes. They don't have them here.

-Enough with the lying.

-We've got work to do.

-No!

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble Takes a girl to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place - you could be her

# Someone to back me up so I'll always have the last word

# I guess it's hard to be the only girl in a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# I know I'm stronger because I've got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl in a boys' world. #

I promise you, Mr Bannatyne, little old ladies will never spill

a drop of Earl Grey tea ever again.

It's tremble-proof, thermos-insulated,

it's got a biscuit pouch and it's constantly tuned in to Crinkly FM.

-What do you think?

-Sorry, what?

-Sadie!

This is important. Whereas this...

-What is this and why has it got my name on it?

-It's a slumber pack.

A personalised goodie bag for coming to my slumbover.

-Seriously?

-Give me a break, I'm on a budget.

I spent everything on the marshmallow fountain mountain.

This slumbover has gone A to the A, to the A, A, A-list.

Once Chloe thought Chantel was coming and Chantel thought Chloe

was coming, it all fell into place.

Now Joe, Jodie, Jem and Jasmine are in and maybe Tish, Tash and Keisha.

Sadie, focus.

This needs two hours on a low heat.

Don't move. I'm already late for my astro-physiognomy workshop.

You signed up for that snore fest?

I'm teaching it!

I don't have time for this. I've got a slumbover to plan.

This needs two hours on a low heat.

Or five minutes on a super-hot turbo.

SMASH

Houston, we have a problem.

That's it. My love life is officially over.

-I haven't had one date since my nan cut my hair.

-Wheel nuts.

-It's true.

No, pass me the wheel nuts.

Grow, grow.

Hi.

-Hi.

-Couldn't spare a bit of air, could you?

Ha-ha- ha!

I meant for my flat tyre, silly.

Actually, we're more Peugeot than push bike here, love.

-If you want to go up the road there's a...

-What's he like?

-One, two, three...

-Paper.

-Rock.

-Yes! Get in! You lose.

OK, OK, just one more. Double or nothing.

You said that the last ten times.

Just one more. This time I know how to win. And if you win,

we'll spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want to do.

Well, OK.

And remember, whoever wins will be the rock...

solid champion. They will rock...

-this tree house.

-What are you doing?

Nothing. You rock.

OK.

One, two, three...

-Scissors.

-Paper. You were supposed to say rock.

Oh, I thought you were choosing rock.

You kept saying it.

-Double or nothing.

-No.

I can do whatever I want today.

Oi!

Ah, this feels good.

Sass! Sass!

You will not believe what my acting tutor said in my appraisal.

I totally lack versatility, I'm only good with musical numbers

and I couldn't play tough even if I were playing Toughie McTough!

Kit, that's an insult.

How dare he! I'll show that...

that corduroy-wearing, coffee-breath dandruff monster I can play tough.

-How?

-I'm going to get the part of the Sheriff in Robin Hood On Ice.

I was pencilled as a merry man but now I'm not so merry.

BTW, what are we doing here?

Nothing. Say "cheese".

Cheese!

You broke the teapot Dede and I made.

When I say Dede and I, I mean Dede.

No fair!

Why don't you just tell her the truth?

Brilliant, Kitkat, I will.

-Albeit, a Sadie Jenkins version of the truth.

-Which would be a lie.

Naturally. But not a big one.

I'll think up a simple believable fib to tie it all up very subtly.

OMG, Deeds, you will not believe what just happened.

My house was just hit by a lean, mean, burgling machine.

I'm not kidding!

He tore this place to pieces.

He was a cold-blooded bounty hunter with a keen appreciation of...

pottery. That's why he stole your teapot, I'm guessing. Uh-huh.

Mm-hm.

Great, fine, bye.

Let me see if I can translate.

Dede's coming over here to the crime scene...

But we don't have a crime scene.

Duh, that's exactly what I just said.

HE PUMPS AIR

-But aren't you Dominic Astor, the Olympic badminton player?

-Nah!

-Nah.

-It's just with the hair and everything.

I am absolutely, totally and utterly in love with Dominic.

Gotcha.

Of course I'm Dominic, the Dom Dommy - the Dom-Dom, to my chums.

-He's a Dom-Dom all right.

-No way!

I saw your last match in Beijing.

You totally trashed that Canadian.

Aah! Aah ha-ha-ha!

So, why are you working here?

Yes, tell me. Why are you working here?

-Dommy?

-Er...

Just helping out my old daddy, aren't I?

Please, not one date cos of this.

Golly, you are, like, beyond sweet.

Finding time to work in this smelly little place just to help

your decrepit old father.

I know this is going to sound a bit crazy, but would you even consider

-going out on a date with me?

-Er...

Maybe.

Oh. Call me.

Hermione.

Hoggy for short.

Yes. Who said this haircut didn't suit me? I've got a date.

Er, correction, Dominic has got a date.

You can't play badminton. You can't even play a mechanic.

I can play badminton. It's the one with the horses, right?

HE SNORES

This is not my idea of fun.

But you said we could do what I wanted to do today.

Reading, relaxing and eating fine food? How old are you, 150?

I want adventure, I want excitement, I want a challenge.

Yeah, and I want someone to pick my nose for me,

but we can't all get what we want, can we?

So sit down, chillax and button it.

-But...

-I said button it.

Sass, you're acting like a loonbag!

Correction! You are a loonbag! What are you doing?

We have three minutes and 20 seconds to make a crime scene.

Otherwise Deeds realises I lied and makes me stay up all night

rebuilding that stupid teapot, ruining my slumbover party!

Bubba Nougat?!

To be a criminal, you've got to act criminal. Now, wreck something.

-But I just had these buffed.

-Well, it's time to get your hands dirty.

Are you tough or are you Toughie McTough?

I feel a devious laugh coming on.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-Hi, I'm a man on the edge.

A renegade on the run.

I thought the Sheriff was from Nottingham?

Erm, yeah, via Barcelona.

Cool.

Stop!

Even the sheriff wouldn't wreck a good kitten heel.

DOORBELL

Dede! I'll take care of the teapot, you go get her.

Dede's going to kill me.

Do I have to? Take that as a yes.

OMG. This place is trash.

But the burglar didn't actually get down here.

Oh.

We've been burgled!

This house was hit?

Result! Adventure, excitement

and a challenge have literally come knocking on our door.

Put down the fine food, Jakie boy, we've got a crime to solve.

Ah, your dinner's in the dog.

Nice to see you've come back all dressed ready for work.

Oi, I'm dressed for my date.

This is pro badminton gear.

What do you reckon?

-Charming.

-Hey, Dom-Dom.

-Hey, Dom-Dom's daddy.

-Hey, Hoggy.

I've told everyone about our date.

You're in your whites.

Please show me your signature under-hand drop shot.

Pretty please with extra sprinkles of Hermione on top?

Er, my signature shot...

Oh, yes. Please do it. We'd all love to see it.

Sorry, can't do it without a ball.

You mean shuttlecock.

-Ha ha.

-Of course.

Us badmintonians like to call it a ball. Inside joke, you see.

Wowee! You aren't even looking.

You could play blindfolded and still win.

Well, I don't like to brag but,

yes, yes, I could.

-Shall we shuttle our way out of here?

-Toodle-oo. Enjoy.

I just run the business.

Oh. Spanner?

You're better than him.

-Yes, you are.

-There you are. What are you doing?

We've got a crime to solve and you're just lying around.

-A-ha! That's what you think.

-Ya-huh.

-I'm doing research.

-What?

"How to be a slob?"

No. I'm watching all the classic detective shows.

Inspector Morse, A Touch Of Frost, Scooby-Doo.

-Inspector Morse?

-And my investigations have led me to deduce

that they've all got one thing in common.

Doughnuts.

Jake!

You're a genius.

Let me see the crime scene.

OMG.

I know!

-I mean I feel robbed.

-Literally!

My one brave hope is the slumbover.

They can't take that away from me!

Are you sure you're up to it?

You kidding? Soft drinks followed by pizza in the kitchen and then

a chick-flick sandwich with a bromance in the middle back up here.

-What do you reckon?

-Weird.

All the broken glass is on the outside.

Er, so, peeps, marshmallows or candy floss for the midnight feast?

I eat man-wiches, with beef tomatoes and doorstops for bread.

-No crisps.

-The burglar went to all this trouble

and only would up with our Trembler Teapot T-2000?

Er, that's because I disturbed him.

-You saw him?

-Uh-huh.

He was enormous. We're talking two men, practically a gang in one.

I did everything I could to protect that teapot.

-But he was unstoppable.

-Look what he did to Bubba Nougat!

-He's ruthless!

And toothless! He was just a wall of gums and a baseball cap.

What did the police say?

Erm, nothing. They didn't even come round.

Not worth their time and energy, apparently.

What is the world coming to, eh?

-So anyway, Slumbover Central here we come!

-Hang on.

I know what's going on here.

You do?

-This is post-traumatic stress.

-They were in X Factor, weren't they?

You're nervous, you're fidgeting, you're babbling about the slumbover.

Don't you understand? You've had a very difficult experience, Sass.

What you need is a nice cup of hot chocolate and a sit down.

I do? I mean yeah, I do.

Kit, you take Sass downstairs and put the kettle on.

-I'll tidy up in here.

-SHE WHIMPERS

Don't you worry about a thing.

This slumberover is going to be slumber-nificent.

Seriously, Deeds, don't do the made-up-words thing.

OK, chief, run down the profile for me again.

Well, guv, word on the street is that most burglars are 16 to 37,

male, with mean, beady eyes and a cauliflower ear. Kind of like this.

But with a nose. I can't draw them.

I hear what you're saying, Jake, but my gut says that this creep knew

Sadie had the teapot in her bedroom.

My gut says that this is someone we know.

Now, either my gut is right

or these doughnuts are dodgy.

Someone we know...

Like Kit.

-Who's doing salsa jazz.

-Dede!

She would have cracked by now.

-What about Sadie? A double bluff, perhaps.

-Don't even go there.

She's perfection.

I mean no motive. Steve?

Airtight alibi. He's my dad.

Well, that only leaves Keith and Roger.

Well, it's obvious, innit?

No-one leaves this room until you fess up, fuzz face!

We know where you live!

Oh yay, oh yay, oh yay! Get in! Result!

This is slumber-licious. Top-tastic.

Fun in a bun with cherries on top.

The Jakester pulls it off!

Am I a terrible person,

letting my friend tidy up while I do the conga down here?

-Dede loves to clean.

-You're right.

PHONE RINGS

So, it's all over town that your house got turned over.

You know Chantel has a phobia of burglars since she got burgled?

So I thought I might have the slumbover at mine.

No! No, you can't, because, erm...

I'm thinking. ..because, erm...

Still thinking. Got it!

We haven't had a burglar in the house, we've had a builder here.

Go on...

I'm, erm, having my bedroom remodelled.

No!

I had the manicure bar in the corner and the juke box on the bed!

Anyway, got to go. Slumbover to plan. See you in...

Blimey, 30 minutes?!

OMG, Kit, we've got to start planning this slumbover right now!

That fountain mountain won't fill itself.

No can do, girlfriend. The Kit-Kat has his first sheriff audition in...

-Blimey, 30 minutes?!

-But Kit, with my superior delegation skills

and your brilliance at making fairy cakes, we'll be done in no time.

Look, sister, that was the old Kit.

I'm a bad boy now. This guy don't do slumbovers no more, fo' sure, fool.

Wow, you could play the sheriff!

I didn't overdo it with the "fool"?

-No, that was a lovely touch.

-Thanks. See you.

But, Kit, I need you!

So does Robin Hood On Ice.

Such a shame about the teapot, Roger.

There's no way I'd be able to rebuild it in time for tomorrow.

I can't even remember the design for the second spout.

It's true. I don't know if it was concave or convex.

Or split-lipped or curved.

Roger, I'm serious.

Where did you find this?

She didn't?! She did! She broke my teapot!

No. She wouldn't. She couldn't.

There was a burglar, wasn't there, Roger? Please say yes.

Hmm...

OK, first rule of surveillance - don't alert the suspect.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Dominic Astor speaking. Hi, Hoggy.

He's using a fake name! Only criminals use fake names.

Oh, yes, I finish at seven.

Why don't you swing by?

Cheerio.

His hair!

THEY GASP

Guv?

We got a match.

-We need six goodie bags and a megamix for the MP3 player.

-Done it.

-12 pillows and a duvet?

-On it.

We've only got cheesy Chinese nacho balls, and Jo is lactose intolerant.

One sniff of a Cheddar slice and she inflates like a blowfish.

Relax, Sass, it's going to be fine. You've got it all under control.

And besides, these are just satellite attractions orbiting

the main star, your chocalicious marshmallow fountain mountain!

Where is it?!

Oh, no. You've been burgled. Again.

Don't be ridiculous, Danny and Jake just probably moved it.

Their body mass index wouldn't support a third of its weight.

-Not that I picked it up or anything.

-Then where the fizzy pop is it?

Obvious. Your burglar's come back.

77% of 43% of studies show that 96% of burglars return

within a 24-hour window of their first crime.

-I've heard.

-But I was never b...

-Yes?

-I was never believing in those statistics before.

But now you say it, I probably was burgled, erm, again.

OK, let's lock this crime scene down and call the police.

-The police?!

-Yuh-huh!

Now you've got a serial burglar it's way more serious.

DOORBELL

The guests are here! We'll shove a chocolate bar on the radiator.

They'll never know the difference.

-OK, I'll just tell them about the burglary.

-What?!

It's a dangerous crime scene, Sass. They have the right to know.

And besides, doesn't Chantel

have a fear of burglars since she got burgled? I'll get the door.

No! This slumber ship is going down!

Everybody grab a lifeboat! Deeds, it's my fault, OK?

Don't blame yourself. You're the victim in this situation.

No, you're the victim. I had plans for my slumbover,

and then you asked me to dry a teapot.

I was, like, "Slow speed? Nuh-uh, turbo speed." And then it smashed.

-I know.

-And I faked it in a burglary.

-I know!

-And now there's been a real burglary!

No.

Uh-oh.

Deeds, I'm so sorry. I swear I'll make it up to you.

I'll do anything, as long as I can have this slumbover.

Chantel and Chloe will destroy me if I pull out now.

Absolutely anything!

Anything?

Hey. I'm Dominic.

-Call me Dom-Dom.

-More like Dum-Dum.

Wow!

You look... Wow.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And she's ruined it.

I've got a surprise for you.

I'm taking to meet Mummy, Papa and my sister Bun-Bun.

-Bun-Bun?

-It's short for Marigold.

-Of course it is.

-You want me to meet your folks?

Mm-hm! I think you're a keeper.

You can keep me, all right.

-Thank you, haircut!

-Does Dommy want a Hoggy huggy?

< YELLS

-Busted! He's a teapot thief!

-Dominic Astor is a teapot thief?

-I'm not a teapot thief!

-You're not Dominic Astor!

You're not Dominic Astor?

Yes, I...

No.

I never thrashed that Canadian.

I never played in Beijing. I don't even know what Beijing is.

I was just going through a dry phase because of my nan cut.

And then you came along and turned it all around, and I just thought

Keith wasn't good enough for you, so I pretended to be Dominic.

If you could just give me a chance, you might get to know the real me.

And I might not be able to play badminton, but I'm a keeper.

Can you play ping-pong?

Polo?

-Petanque?

-Oh, yes, I love that!

She means petanque, not Ker-plunk.

Oh.

I'm very sorry, Keith, but if you can't handle a mallet,

a racket or a saddle, I'm afraid it can never be.

So let me get this straight.

You're not Dominic Astor.

You didn't burgle this house.

And your nan cut your hair?!

Well, obviously, it's an open-and-shut case, Jakey boy.

The dog did it.

Right. But there's still one thing I don't get.

What's petanque?

Not yet. We're still on the spouts.

We also need to get the engine running, the aerial in place and

the second spout fixed if I'm going to pitch to the Dragons tomorrow.

Deeds...!

What? You said anything.

Right, that's it.

This isn't slumber-licious, it's a snooze fest.

Come on, Chantel, let's split. No!

No... Yes. This is the lamest slumbover ever, jinxster.

Are you kidding? This teapot rocks!

I haven't had so much fun since Fantasia's crossword party.

Totally!

I was just, er, kidding!

Get in!

Come on, guys, T minus ten hours until the Dragons' Den deadline.

Nobody move! Loot on the table. I mean business!

THEY SCREAM

# And maybe now I can finally let this go

# I can finally let you know

# Cos I'm not afraid to fall... #

Life is so unfair.

# If you're the one who catches me

# Tell me that you'll be there

# I'm about to lose it all Cos you're the one who helps me see

# That sometimes it's OK to fall

# Sometimes it's OK to fall... #

Oops.

Yeuch.

And so the Trembler Teapot T-2000 will revolutionise the tea drinking

of old ladies all over the world.

That's why I need just £40,000 for a 15% stake in my business, Dede-Sass.

I'm sure you'll agree that's a watertight investment.

I'll just be off.