Tidylicious Sadie J

OK, the master, he say, "Go for it, Jakey boy!"

Waaaaah-ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!

Ya! Ya!

-How did I do?

-Way off your personal best.

-Oi!

You're wasting perfectly good crisps there. Here, use these pretzels.

-That's what I'm talking about. Kids today, eh? Amateurs.

-Look at me!

Thanks to you lot, I'm late for the Candy Bop.

-My one chance a week to look faboosh and girl-tastic.

-DOG BARKS

Now, whose bright idea was it to use my best dress

as a flag for the tree house?

I missed it last week because Roger had an accident in the bath.

-Which reminds me, I've got to clear that up.

-Eurgh!

Has anyone seen my denim bolero?

-Is that a two-door-hatchback?

-No, it's a jacket!

Well, it WAS! And what are my kitten heels doing next to Roger's basket?!

-OMG!

-What?

-What?

-Roger's had another accident!

-Eurgh!

-Oh!

# Can somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude, kind of cute but when they're in trouble

# Takes a girl to save the day

# I'd love another girl

# Around the place. Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always have the last word

# I guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girl, girl, in a boy's world

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind and sensitive Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be

# The only girl in a boy's world! #

Ugh!

Ugh! Finally!

If we don't get to the Candy Bop soon,

I won't have time to do my Lady GaGa telephone dance routine.

The extended version, actually. BTW, those look like PJs.

They are. I'm not going.

I don't have anything to wear, Danny used my straighteners

to make a toastie, and Dad wrote the shopping list with my lipstick.

That's just a regular day in the Jenkins household.

-Exactamundo! I can't do it anymore, Kit, I'm a young lady!

-KIT SCOFFS

-Eurgh!

-Well, if you're not going, I'm not.

How about a super-deluxe Kit-Kat girly night in instead?

-I'm thinking main, pedi and re-runs of Gok's Fashion Fix.

-Oh!

-What are we doing here?

-Oh, this?

It's for my Annual Summer Show. I'm breaking it in.

Are you playing an elf? A set of traffic lights?

We're doing a musical version of Jack And The Beanstalk.

I'm Jack, the lead part. Thank you so much!

Such an achievement, you say?!

You always get the lead!

Sorry, I didn't catch that, I was watching Gok.

Clear a space, I'm coming in to land!

-Deeds, we were watching that!

-Sorry, Sas, propulsion emergency.

I've committed myself to building a reaction mass custard rocket

for the science fair.

I've already extended my deadline! Twice!

and I still can't get anywhere near 100 PSI!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

This little baby's going to get me up to 200 PSI!

Your dad's welding on a couple of the convergent nozzles

I thought you could help.

-But we're having a girlie...

-Deeds, shift that stuff.

Deeds!

That is it! Even my mates treat this place like a dump.

Something has to change!

EXPLOSION

I've gathered you here today because I have an announcement to make.

-You're leaving? Yes! Dibsy your room!

-Can I have your TV?

She's not leaving, she's 13.

-You're not leaving, are you?

-Oh, brother!

Look, it may have escaped your notice,

but I'm actually a young lady.

THEY LAUGH

-Sorry, Sas, go on.

-And as a young lady...

THEY LAUGH

..I expect a certain level of hygiene in my home.

What does "hygiene" mean?

It means not turning every single room into

an extension of the garage and using my clothes as oil rags!

Not leaving half-eaten bits of pizza in my clutch bag!

And not wearing your socks so long,

it begins to smell like a cheese factory in here!

Hang on. This is serious.

Me and Jake are trying to see who can wear their socks the longest

without chundering cos of the smell.

Three weeks, five days, four hours, 32 minutes and counting.

Er, right. Look, Sas, there's a saying in the motor trade.

You'll turn a VW into a Beemer.

Even with lots of valeting, it's not halfway there.

And then, of course, you've got to consider the mileage, the plates...

Enough with the cars!

I missed the Candy Bop because of you lot two weeks in a row!

This dump is doing my head in!

-Look at that.

-What's wrong with it?

-Actually, if I remember rightly, that's yours.

-Whatevers!

SMASHING

It's your untidiness that's ruining my entire life!

As Roger is my witness, I WILL make it to the Candy Bop next week.

Ugh! Roger!

MUSIC: "Ghostbusters" by Jedward

Right, let's do some damage.

And by damage, I mean lots of cleaning.

-You're on shining duty.

-Cheers.

-Right, let's go!

What? I'm quadrupling the motor power.

Ugh!

-I'm zonked!

-I can't move my arms.

Can somebody scratch my nose for me, please?

Oh, thank goodness that's over.

Er, guys, we've still got the rest of the lounge and the house to do.

-No way.

-Dream on.

-I'm out of here.

-If you won't do it, I'll get someone who will.

-You'll need Mary Poppins!

-Well, that's it, I'll get a housekeeper.

-No way.

We're perfectly capable of cleaning this place ourselves.

It's not that difficult.

-I've said no and I mean it.

-OK.

Thanks for getting back to us about the housekeeping job.

-Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

-I no clean.

I no cook. And I no like children.

And I don't do hard work.

-It's very...boring.

-So, why exactly do you want to be my housekeeper?

I have to pay for these nails.

I like to take an organic approach to cleaning the dishes.

Sometimes, I just let them pile up for weeks

so I don't waste water. I mean, I barely wash myself these days.

My body's natural oils just do it for me.

PARP!

-Sadie!

-Sadie!

-Actually, that was me. Better out than in.

-Better for who?!

For me, it's all about fitness. Fitness, fitness, fitness.

If you have a fit household, you have a healthy household.

If you have a healthy household, you have a happy one.

-Well, health is wealth, as they say.

-Exactly.

It's key that you do 100 sit-ups, 200 press-ups, and a three-mile run.

-Every day?

-Every hour on the hour.

I can't clean. But it cannae be that hard.

My ma does it faster than she eats a box of wedges!

OK... We'll...get back to you.

Any thoughts?

Yes, where am I going to get two new convergent nozzles for my rocket?

Your dad welded the last lot to the TV.

BTW, have you managed to take a look at the propeller heads?

-I meant thoughts on our potential housekeeper.

-Hmm.

Can we see the belly dancer again?

-Awesome!

-Sure is, Jakey boy, I just found it in the lounge!

-What was it doing in the lounge?

-Who cares? Finders keepers, right?

In your own house?

With a few key adjustments,

this baby is capable of exploding up to four litres of custard over

an unsuspecting imbecile. Let's try it!

I don't want to get any on my socks.

I'm on three weeks, three days, two hours and...14 minutes as of now.

I can almost smell victory.

Sorry, buddy, I'm already on three weeks, six days,

five hours and 27 minutes.

These bad boys are never getting washed.

What did you put in that ad?

"Complete lunatic required with absolutely no interest in cleaning"?

-No, it was...

-"Filthy family needs your help.

-"Want to make a tidy profit?"

-Yeah, that was...

Er... Dad, where did you get that from?

-Ms V sent late covers over with it.

-Steve sent them packing.

Listen, Sas, I've told you before,

I'm not having this place taken over by some miserable old bossy boots

with a feather duster...

Hello. I'm here for the housekeeper vacancy. I'm Tamara.

Gosh, those overalls are gorgeous!

-The blue, the nylon, it really brings out your eyes.

-Really? Well, thanks.

Actually, it's not just nylon, it's a polyester mix.

-Um, is the position still available?

-No...

-Yes.

-What?!

-But you just said...

-She gets confused. Yes, no. Yes, no.

She's not the sparkiest of spark plugs... Agh!

When can you start?

-Morning, what's for...?

-Breakfast?

Tamara's made pancakes with triple-chocolate chocolate sauce.

She's lovely... I mean, THEY'RE lovely.

I've had ten already and I don't even feel sick!

Well, it's true what they say -

the way to a man's heart is through his tummy-wummy!

Now, what would YOU say to a stack of pancakes, some fluffy eggs.

and then I'll run you a bath and press a clean outfit.

I'd say aliens have landed and they're running my house!

TAMARA LAUGHS

Ah, ah, ah, ah... A young lady does not eat with her fingers.

Did you hear that? She called me a young lady!

And a young gentleman does not wear smelly-belly socks.

That's why I took the liberty of washing and pressing

these naughty little puppies last night.

Hmm?

-You what?!

-Now, she's good!

-OMG, guys, you've got to see this!

-No can do. Sorry, Sas.

I've got my first rehearsal for Jack And The Beanstalk this avo.

I'll bring tears to your eyes.

I'm sure you won't be THAT bad.

Look, I'm scheduled to pick up the convergent nozzles at 1300 hours.

If you could just take a peek at the propeller heads on it...

People!

You're my friends, and I really do want to hear what you've got to say,

but I called you to talk about ME.

My new housekeeper is fantabulicious!

She's even offered to make me a dress for the Candy Bop.

She's a lean, keen cleaning machine. You've got to see it to believe it.

She even calls me a "young lady".

THEY LAUGH

You may laugh, but if it means I can make it to the Candy Bop

-it works for me.

-Ah...

Sorry, it's time for Sadie-Wadie's intensive

hair conditioning treatment and manicure.

Bye!

Awesamundo!

Move it, losers, headline act coming through!

OK, here's the deal, I want three sailors

and at least one dance spectacular.

And I'm wearing this outfit in the show.

I know you wanted dungarees, but they are so over. O-V-E-R.

You may not have to wear them at all.

You have the competition.

-What is she blethering about?

-Him.

Hi, I'm Brian. I've played Oliver Twist,

Billy Elliott and a munchkin twice.

-Dance auditions start tomorrow, 3pm sharp.

-Agh!

That's it, I've given up acting forever!

-What about, "If I can't act, I can't breathe"?

-I've got my breath back.

Enough with the drams, out with it.

I'm nervous, all right? About auditioning against...

EVIL LAUGHTER

-Brian.

-Kit Karter, nervous?

I thought the Kitty Kat of cool didn't do nervous.

What about the time you modelled your swimsuit for the entire class.

In Geography...

Or the time you challenged Diversity to a dance-off?

-OK, he crashed and burned, but hey.

-But that was different.

You were right, I only ever get the lead because no other boys audition.

-Brian's been a munchkin!

-Twice.

Time out. I've got four words - what would Gaga do?

Disco Inferno, you're right. The Gaga would never back down.

No, she'd come out fighting, in a wildly inappropriate outfit.

-And a rubber dinghy... probably.

-So that's what you've got to do.

Not the dinghy but up your game.

You're so right, Sass. Thanks.

What are we doing here?

Tamara chose it for me.

She said it was the perfect attire for a young lady.

A very young lady...like six.

My rocket, it's gone!

But we left it right there.

-Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it'll turn up.

-Turn up?! Turn up?!

My science project is already a week late as it is.

Do you know how much asking for this extension cost me?

-50p?

-My academic soul!

Look, Deeds, I promise I will find it.

You look in here. I'll check upstairs.

Kit... buff your nails.

Look what Tammy Wammy's made you.

Home-made cookies. What? Oh, no, no, no.

We don't want a visit from Mr Hoover, do we?

Mr Hoover does not like to visit more than twice a day.

-Do we know this Mr Hoover?

-You!

You took the rocket I was building for the science fair!

-Deeds!

-Uh...a young lady never points.

Admit it, you dumped it when you cleared out this place!

-I don't remember putting it in the rubbish.

-There, see? No harm done.

But if I did, I'm not sorry.

Oh, awkward o'clock. Must be going.

I'm not sorry because science is a subject for boys.

Art, drama, literature - those are subjects for young ladies.

Believe me, Delia, dear, you'll thank me in the long run.

-What's up?

-Your housekeeper is clinically bananas.

That's what's up.

She is not! She does awesome manis and pedis.

Has Tamara polished your brain as well as your nails?

Can't you see what she's doing? Look at this place! Look at you.

Is that a bow in your hair?

Technically, it's an Alice band but you're right. It's hideous.

I like living like this. I like looking like a young lady.

HE SNORTS

Maybe you're the one with the problem. Maybe you need to grow up,

get your head out of science books and get a life.

SHE GASPS

I don't want a life if it's as freaky as this.

-Ah!

-Ah!

I feel left out.

This will send Tamara right back where she came from.

What's Tamara ever done to you... Oh, what's that stench?

Lavender and honeysuckle washing powder.

-She's a monster!

-Exactly!

Now, it says here that if you apply bracket A to bracket C,

it'll up the PSI by 40%.

But how do you tell which is bracket A which is bracket C?

-Don't know.

-Doesn't matter, there's no room for them anyway.

There. Oh, no.

Sadie Wadey doesn't like her new dress for the Candy Bop, does she?

No, no, it's not that.

I love wearing lots of coloured, satin bows...

205, to be exact.

But are you sure this is what young ladies are wearing these days?

Oh, absolutely.

I suspect you're going to be the only one in a home-made dress.

Look, Tamara, although I really like it,

I'm not sure it's right for checking my groove thang

to Keha at the Candy Bop.

-Your groove what?

-My groove thang, my tail, my booty.

I can't go gaga over Gaga in this.

My petticoat is going to take out at least three other dancers.

-Look!

-CRASHING

What are these strange moves? What exactly is the Candy Bop?

Only the coolest tween disco in town.

-Ooh. And I thought it was a tea party with sweeties.

-Uh-uh.

Young ladies do not attend discos.

-Young ladies do not shake their booty thang.

-Yeah, they do.

Not any more. I forbid you to attend the Candy Bop.

You can't do that. That was the whole point in bringing you here!

Yes, I can. And for telling me that I can't, I'm going to ground you...

for a month, starting now.

I will! Make Sadie! A lady!

OMG, Deedy was right. My housekeeper is a loon bag.

Has someone been tidying up around here? Because I can't find my...

-Special spanner?

-You got a special spanner, mate?

How did you know?

Because it's got Keith's Special Spanner written all over it,

you silly billy.

No-one, but no-one touches that. What's she doing behind there, Steve?

Tidying up, of course. It's a disgusting mess.

-That mess happens to be my filing system.

-Really?

And what file does this banana skin go in to?

The one next to the chocolate wrappers, perhaps?

-Well, it works for us, doesn't it, Steve?

-Uh, no. No.

-We've had some complaints about food stains on the invoices.

-Have we?

That's why Tamara has offered to man the desk, so you don't have to.

-What? No.

-And she's going to move into the spare room,

so she can keep an eye on all of us, 24/7.

Steve, I think you've made a mistake employing Tamara.

Stop being a silly billy.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Ahem.

Nice outfit, where did you get it? 1984?

# Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night

# Looking for the fight of her life

# In the real time world No one sees her at all

# They all say she's crazy...#

MUSIC STOPS

MOBILE RINGS

-Kit Kat here. How may I direct your call?

-Kit, it's me.

I'm on total lock down.

It's like Alcatraz in here, only the prison guard wears pastels.

I'm glad you called. You're won't believe how much I've upped my game.

Brian doesn't know it yet

but I've just purchased a secret weapon for my audition.

Never mind that. Delia was right. Tamara is a cookie baking maniac!

She even banned me from going to the Candy Bop. I need your help.

When you've quite finished. We've work to do.

Sorry, Sass, got to go. Ding-a-ring you later.

Great, who am I going to call now?

PHONE DIALS

Hey, Deeds.

PHONE CUTS OFF

Might need to be a bit cleverer.

-Where is he? Where is he?

-Who?

Stephen Hawking! You said his car broke down here!

-Oh, yeah, that wasn't entirely true.

-Which part?

-All of it.

-Despicable.

-Look, Deeds, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

You were right. Tamara is clinically bananas.

She grounded me for trying to go to the Candy Bop.

I knew it, just like I knew she binned my rocket.

I need you to help prove to my dad she's a fruit cake

with a side order of woo-woo! I haven't a clue how.

Duh! This is basic chaos theory stuff.

Tamara thrives on order and harmony,

so one small change can have a very big effect.

Now...as you know...

dance audition sorts the fit from the chav.

The fit from the chav?

You may be able to sing,

but you must be able to dance with the grace of a svan!

IMITATES HER: What's a svan?

-The birdy with a long neck.

-The bird with a long knickers?

-Be quiet!

Now, Jack, as you know, leaves his home with Milky the cow

to get a fair price for her at the market.

In your dance,

I want you to express Jack's inner sadness at having to leave Milky.

-Easy peasy.

-SHE GASPS

-Let us begin.

-Hang on, Miss. I just need to get my secret weapon.

-ALL: Secret weapon?

-Now this, I've got to see.

# Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

# Got my glasses on, out the door I'm gonna to hit this city

# Before I leave, brush my teeth With a bottle of Jack

# Cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

# I'm talking pedicure on my toes, toes

# Trying on all our clothes, clothes

# Boys blowing up our phones, phones

# Dropped up and playing our favourite CDs

# Going up to the parties

# Trying to get a little bit tipsy...

# Don't stop... #

I said one small change, not trash the place.

Oh! What on earth have you done?

-You detestable little brat.

-OK, trashing works for me!

Look, Dad, Tamara's gone bonkers.

-What are you talking about?

-She... I trashed the lounge and she went...

-nuts.

-You trashed the lounge? After all the hassle you gave us?

Look, it's about time you realised that Tamara is the best thing

that ever happened to this place.

Don't be too hard on her, Stephen.

I'll have to put up with worse if I'm going to be here forever.

No!

SLOWED DOWN: Three...

Two....

One!

FIRE!

Look at my beautiful dress! My cushion!

You're not children, you're animals!

Just wait until I get my claws into you!

I'm going to make your life a living nightmare! Argh!

-You what?

-Oh...the little darlings.

-Nobody talks to them like that.

They may be lazy, ungrateful, badly behaved kids

but they're my lazy, ungrateful, badly behaved kids.

Take your cushion and leave.

I hope he'll be very happy with your filthy family.

-Told you.

-Sorry, Dad. I just didn't realise she was so...explosive.

Yeah... Well.

-Is that my rocket?

-Um... maybe.

You are...so amazing!

You got up to 100 PSI!

If I leave now, I can be at the science fair!

Two secs, can you give me a backy on your bike to the Candy Bop?

-Has anybody seen my polka dot neckerchief?

-Ah... oops...

No big deal. Thanks, Dad.

-Uh, Sadie.

-What?

-ALL: Nothing.

Manolo Blahniks! I've got to go.

Rehearsals for Jack And The Beanstalk start in five.

Say what? Miss V forgave you for the cow disaster?

-Of course.

-So who are you playing?

-The, er...title character.

-Jack?

The beanstalk.

I think it's going to be my greatest acting challenge yet.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd