Cherylistic Sadie J

Enjoy Fastbucks.

We always do.

I'm so glad we came here instead of the Y Diner.

What's the Y Diner?

No!

Don't do it, Sadie, don't go over to the dark side.

What do you mean? It's not dark.

It's a light mocha whippy latte.

Just look at all this trash.

They lure you in with comfy sofas and free gifts. Before you know it,

you've sold your soul for a frothy coffee and a baseball cap.

But this is where all the cool kids hang.

Even I know cool kids don't say "cool" kids.

Besides, these people aren't cool, they're shallow and fickle.

I've so much to learn from them.

Captain Scarlet always stood up for the little guy.

And this place is a galactic bully.

That is so not true.

Miss V can't compete with this place.

By sipping that shake, you drain the lifeblood from the Y.

And it's yummy.

The Y is dying!

It had a good life.

Oh, what about my Fast Bucks? My jacket.

Come to Papa!

# Can somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

-# But when they're in trouble, takes a girl to save the day

-Save the day

-# I'd love another girl around the place

-To be her

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girl, girl in a boy's world

# I know I'm stronger cos I got a positive mental attitude

# I'm understanding, kind of sensitive, want gratitude

# I don't want to be the only girl

# In a boy's world. #

Seriously, Dedes,

I'm sure you're making a fuss about...

Nothing.

Terrific. Tweedle Dee Dee and Tweedle Dork.

I knew Sadie J would never abandon us. What will you do?

Me? What?

You always have the plan. I always see you in the booth plotting.

I just knew that you would save this place.

You'll be like the Angelina Jolie of the Y Diner.

Angelina, she saved the African babies. You save my baby.

Angelina Jolie, me?

A to the Jo, to the L-I-E. Get in!

You have got a grand plan?

Have I got a grand plan? Of course I've got a grand plan.

What's the grand plan?

Well, get ready for the blast-off.

The countdown starts now.

For the Y's big relaunch party.

That's right.

We've been planning a party.

I've already drafted my e-vite.

We've already drafted our e-vite.

Does global capitalism leave a sour taste in your mouth?

Then Y not try The Y?

You'll wonder Y you ever ate anywhere else.

It's a pun, do you get it?

Because the name of the cafe's the Y.

Oh, ha ha. I get it all right.

If that's your plan,

then you two just boarded the Loserville Express.

Heading non-stop straight to Losertown.

Population, two.

Well, we've got celebrity guests.

Ha! In your face. We've got celebrity guests.

Who are they?

The Lady Mayoress, the vicar,

and a woman who runs the vegetarian bookshop.

Surely they're just a warm-up act?

What celebrities have you got up your little sleevies, Madame Jolie?

Yeah, spill.

Huh. Let's see.

What have I got up here?

Nope, nothing there.

Aha. Only the most fab-ulicious,

mega-mungus, global-tastic star in celebsville.

ALL: Who?

Good question. Think. Who is the hottest celebrity right now?

That's right, it's them.

Stephen Hawking is coming here?

No, Dede, celebrity!

That woman on your poster, Newcastle accent.

Cheryl?

Cheryl! From X Factor?

There is no way that a grease monkey like you

could get Cheryl to play at the Y.

How do you think this grease monkey knows her?

Even A-list stars need to get their cars fixed.

We are saved!

I'll make sure everything is perfect for her. This is unbelievable.

I know.

It's also a complete lie. Argh!

Something up?

Of course something's up.

What does this face say to you?

Indigestion?

No, it says that I am in a very bad mood.

OK.

Ask me why then?

Why?

Why? Why?

Colin Bobbins, that's why.

The most boring boy in the whole school

has a two-page spread in the paper with his crisp packet collection.

Crisp packet collection?

He's been collecting them since he was six.

Now he's just broken the record for having the most crisp packets ever.

-That's...weird.

-It's not.

He auctioned them for Granny Aid, now he's famous. It's not fair.

I eat way more crisp packets than him.

True.

I want to break a record now.

For Granny Aid?

Duh! To get famous!

So, what are you good at?

Nothing!

Stupid, stupid lousy car.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

What have you done?

It's not as bad as it looks, boss.

No, it's worse.

I only asked you to change the oil.

I know.

But cars hate me today.

It's like I'm cursed.

Everything I touch goes bad.

See? I'm the world's worst mechanic.

No, that's not tr...

Because cars hate you.

You've just got to be a bit more careful, mate, that's all.

That's a coincidence.

And this is just the perfect project for Cheryl.

Chezzy.

Really? I sound like a teenager?

Ha ha ha!

You've just made my day.

So can I pencil the Chezzter for next Friday?

No, no fee.

But I can throw in all the burgers she can eat

and a free set of mud flaps.

Hello? Hello?

DOG WHIMPERS

Some people just don't appreciate a good deal.

Roger, I've only one option left.

-HE SNEEZES

-And it's not that.

I'll just have to tell Dede the truth.

I'm sorry, Dedes, I tried,

I've really tried.

From the bottom of my sorry-licious heart,

I'll make it up to you, I swear.

Ha, how can she resist that?

Even I almost cried. Sss!

Hey, Sass.

Here goes nothing. Wish me luck.

-Dede. I've got something to tell you.

-In a minute.

First you have to see this.

You're going to be famous!

Dee Dee, this is the only poster you've made, right?

Yeah, the only big one.

The other 800 are much smaller.

You haven't put these up yet, have you?

Doh! Yes, they're plastered all over town.

This thing's going stratospheric, it's going to blow Chloe into orbit.

And, when I say orbit, I mean around Pluto.

So, what was it you wanted to tell me again?

I just wanted to say...

great.

Well done.

Fantasta-listic.

One moment. I've just got some things to pull down.

Not posters or anything.

Argh!

PROLONGED BURPING FROM TV

Charming.

That's Martin Martin,

England's under-16 burping champion.

BURPING CONTINUES

I bet his mother's very proud.

Think so?

Dad, check this out.

HE BURPS

I want to get on Britain's Got Records too.

-I won't let you embarrass the family like that.

-But...

You've no chance unless you get more vibrato. More gas, open your mouth.

HE GIVES A PROLONGED GURGLE

Now that is more like it.

Go on, you keep practising, son.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

It just happened. You know,

like farting.

Speak for yourself.

My farting is the result of years of training.

Jake boy, whether you like it or not, you've got a natural talent.

You've got a gift.

OK, Jakey boy, I've been thinking.

Should you be doing that?

About your burping. How would you like to be famous?

But I thought you wanted that, like Colin Bobbins.

Bobbins, shmobbins. With your gift, the sky's the limit.

And I know just the person to get you on to Britain's Got Records.

Who?

Let's just say he's this high, and he wears my T-shirt.

That boy in number 11 been swiping stuff from your washing line again?

No, me.

You've been swiping stuff from...

No!

Me.

Danny Jenkins, celebrity manager?

Like Simon Cowell. Only taller.

-No.

-I'll only take half of everything you earn as my fee.

No way.

Why not? Can't you see this is the perfect opportunity

for me to get into the limelight by piggy-backing on your talent?

I mean, nurturing your talent.

Your percentage is too high,

you don't have any experience

and celebrity is spelt with a C.

What about all the bonbons you can eat until I get you a deal?

I'm not that easy, you know.

OK, done!

That's it,

I told you, cars hate me.

I'm jinxed. I quit.

Whoa, you can't quit, I need you.

Why?

Because we're a team, Keith and Steve, Stevie and Keith.

Come on, team, hey?

But I've never fixed a single car without your help, Steve.

No.

OK.

If you were to fix a car on your own, would you stay?

I guess.

All you need is confidence.

Listen, let's try this again.

I want you to put your hands there.

And this time, close your eyes,

and think positive thoughts, yeah?

Come on. You can do this.

Just keep your eyes closed.

OK, car.

I know you've had a tough time, but...

Things are going to get better, baby.

I'll fix you, I promise.

That's great, keep going, keep your eyes closed.

Say some more.

The thing is,

I've never said this out loud,

but, I love you.

Well. Not you.

But I love cars.

Always have.

But I'm coming to realise that

maybe they don't love me back.

If only you could...

That's enough! Good, OK, right.

Let's see if we can to get it over turn it over, shall we?

IGNITION SPLUTTERS

Well, I tried.

What do you know!

ENGINE STARTS

What?

No way.

I didn't even touch it.

You did something.

No! Me?

No, no, it was you.

You did something.

You've developed a positive mental attitude.

You mean, like

the car listened to me?

Like I'm some sort of car whisperer?

Car whisperer?

Yeah. Yeah.

OK, if you like,

you're a car whisperer.

I'm the car whisperer.

Are you popped, are you psyched? ready to push it till it hurts?

I suppose.

Then, go, go, go.

HE GIVES A PROLONGED GURGLING BURP

I still think you can get more volume. Let's go again.

No more! I've given everything!

Come on! Think of our Britain's Got Records!

Get real. How are we going to go on TV?

Believe in the dream, Jakey boy, talent will always find a way.

How? It's not like the opportunity's going to magically appear.

I'm never going to get all these posters down.

Cheryl? At the Y?!

I wish!

If anyone can get us on Britain's Got Records, she can!

Jakey boy, you're going to be a star.

Just one more milkshake! Please!

Fastbucks accepts all major credit cards. Enjoy Fastbucks.

Fastbucks does not accept the Peter Andre Fan Club membership.

Don't tell me you play for team Katie?

Must hide from Dede!

No, she'll find me there.

Who am I kidding? There's nowhere to plug me in!

I hear you've got a franchise in Costa Rica. Any vacancies?

Sadie! Thank Gaga you're here!

Two milkshakes, please. The lady will pay.

So, what majortastic disaster are we fleeing from this time?

Miss V said I could be Angelina Jolie and I thought wowzers,

I'll make a great Angie J, but now I have to save the Y Club,

so I said Cheryl could play the relaunch, and if she doesn't come

I've got to get the train to Losertown, population two!

Well, say something!

Dramatic pause!

Sass, you know Cheryl about as well as I know the offside rule.

Oh, it's simple, when you pass the last defender...

Never said I wanted to know it.

Kit, you've got to help me. You follow her Tweets.

You get Chez alerts sent to your mobile whenever she breaks a nail.

If anyone can get to her, you can.

Sass, you don't get it. Chezza is off-limits.

It goes Gaga, Madonna, Cheryl.

Cheryl at the Y ain't never going to happen, girlfriend.

-She'd have outrageous demands. In fact...

-It would be impossible.

That's it! If Dede can't get what she wants, Chezza won't show.

But Chezza was never going to show.

Oh, no! I know that face, and that's a crazy scheme face

and the Kit Kat ain't going down with the crazies.

Get your coat, we're leaving.

I'm a boy and you're a girl. You can't make me!

I'll just get my coat.

OK, if we're going to get close to Cheryl,

-you need to learn to impress her. You be Cheryl.

-What?!

Hey Chez, loved the last single, whatever it was.

Hear you're about to make it big in the States.

Fancy a little stowaway?

You can't talk to Cheryl like that! She's the nation's sweetheart.

Show her how sophisticated you are, how grown-up you are.

Hi, Cheryl. You want to see my frogspawn?

You seriously think I want to see your pet, pet?

You're right. We're going to need a better plan.

-Hi, boss. What you doing?

-Nothing. Just, um, hanging out.

That Ford just came in. Want me to, er, work my magic?

I don't know. It's quite a tricky job, this one.

That's why it needs the Car Whisperer.

Come on, boss, you look wiped out. Let me handle this.

OK.

Hey, Ford, no need to be nervous. You're in good hands.

You know, I was once like you.

Stalled, lost my mojo.

But now I'm firing on all cylinders, baby!

I'm the Car Whisperer.

Oh, there we are.

ENGINE PURRS

Looks like my work here is done. Again.

Where are you going?

Tea-break. I've earned it.

Let's make a start on that Mini while I'm gone, boss.

Time you pulled your weight round here.

She's totally confirmed, right?

-She's definitely coming?

-100 million per cent.

Not technically possible, but great!

You know, I wondered if you'd be able to pull this off.

Dede, when have I ever let you down?

-Well...

-Was that my dad?

-No.

-Coming, Dad!

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, look! It's the phone!

-Who is it, Dede?

-It's Cheryl!

-Cheryl? Answer it!

-No, you!

-No, you!

-You!

-You!

-You!

Hello?

Sadie's phone, Dede speaking.

Way-aye man, sweetheart, pet, just calling about Friday.

Can you tell Sadie I've got a few little requirements,

some of which might be, um, a bit of a challenge, like.

-Oh, OK.

-I want a massive bucket of Smarties.

-OK.

-But I don't like the pink ones, so pick them out.

-OK.

-(What are you doing? I thought you were going to cancel!

-Trust me.)

I want a bowl of 73 crisps

and they all have to be completely symmetrical.

Bilateral or rotational?

Smoky bacon. And check them with a ruler.

I want three hamsters dressed as the original Sugababes.

Cheryl, I don't know if...

All right, any old Sugababes.

-Did I mention the sculpture of me made out of fruit?

-No, you didn't.

I want a sculpture of me made out of fruit, and that's the lot.

Let me know when you've done it. Bye, Dede, sweetheart, pet.

And remember, always believe in yourself.

And I'm home free. Like to see her come up with that little lot!

Tah, and indeed, and daah!

But...how?

-It was a team effort.

-Yeah, we all helped.

In return for a guest slot right before Cheryl.

HE BURPS

Good, isn't he?

Wowzers, you guys.

I am just, er, so impressed.

The fruit sculpture!

-Whoops!

-We were up all night making this!

I'm so sorry!

It's OK, there's time to make another one.

I've got the blueprints. You don't mind, do you?

Hmm... Something's missing.

Her ear!

What am I even doing? This is totally bonkerlicious.

Why didn't you stop me?

Simple solution. How d'you think I got out of your 7th birthday party?

You broke your leg.

-No. I pulled a sickie.

-Why?!

I just really, really hate clowns.

Look, tell Dede Cheryl's a no-show because she's poorly.

But what if Cheryl's busting a move somewhere else tonight?

Dede will know I lied.

It's OK, according to my Chez-lerts,

Cheryl is visiting a hospital, opening a new children's ward.

Kit, where is this hospital?

Well, do you know the big roundabout with the...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

How are we supposed to find her in this place?

I'll worry about that. Just concentrate on your limp.

What's the problem? This is a great limp.

-Other leg, Kit!

-Oh, yeah.

We're on. Follow my lead.

Hi there.

Wow, what a gorgeous uniform.

Yeah, I took the job cos it matches me eyes. So, what do you want?

Do you happen to know where we could find the new children's ward?

It closed off - security.

Because of Cheryl's visit?

Can't say.

How can I ever see her?

Look at my poor brother!

He hasn't smiled since... the terrible accident.

It would mean so much to him.

He hasn't got long.

I've got street dance at five.

If you could only find it in your hard to let us into the ward 23?

-35.

-That's the one!

It's a miracle. No?

HE SNORES

Boss, I've something to tell you.

I quit.

No, we've already been through all this. You can't quit.

You're the Car Whisperer, your vehicles need you.

That's just the thing.

Now that I've discovered my power, I have to share it with the world.

A superpower is a big responsibility.

-Keith, you're hardly Spiderman.

-No, I'm the Car Whisperer.

You've made yourself a costume.

It's got matching pants.

No! Wait! Stop! This is ridiculous! You're not a Car Whisperer.

There's no such thing.

Oh, but there is.

Wherever there's a clapped-out Clio, a Punto on bricks,

or a written off Rover, I'll be there, Steve.

In the shadows, whispering their wheels back on to the bypass.

Stop it! Will you listen to yourself, please?

You didn't fix any of those cars. I did. All of them.

I've not slept in three nights, when you've been flouncing around

and chatting to your cars, and sewing your...special pants!

-Why would you do that?

-I don't know!

Because, you know, because I need you, and...

You know, I told you we were a team.

It's more than that, isn't it, eh?

You're part of the family, aren't you?

And what's more important, eh? Them, or your superpowers?

Superpowers.

Right, well, I can't help you with that, Keith, I'm afraid.

You're lying.

I'm still the Car Whisperer.

I am the Car Whisperer.

Where is Sadie? And more importantly, where is Cheryl from X Factor?

If they are not here within five minutes,

I will twist them like shnoodles and feed them to my dogs, Ant and Dec.

They'll be here soon, I promise. Sadie won't let me down.

They'd better be, sister, I've seen her dogs.

That's one mile away from Cheryl, exactly where you have to stay.

Sadie, Kit and...Cheryl? She looks much thinner on television.

That's not Cheryl.

I'm out of here.

I knew it! You are such a loser, Jenkins!

-You thought you could fool...

-Where is Cheryl?

-My point exactly.

-Sadie?

Look, Cheryl never even got her train from Newcastle

this afternoon and you know what celebrities are like.

If they can't have the front seat with peanuts, it's moan...

I'm sorry, Sass, but nobody disses the Chezzter.

It is time to fess up.

I'm sorry, Dede. Cheryl's not coming.

She was never coming in the first place.

So you lied?

That makes sense. In fact, it explains a lot.

-Dede, wait!

-Why?

Are we expecting the Jonas Brothers? Robert Pattinson?

Your good friend Rihanna?

You know Rihanna?!

I bet you had a great laugh.

Stupid little Dede, who thinks Glee is an emotion

and Black Eyed Peas something you eat. She'll believe anything.

That's not how it was. I meant to tell you, I did, but I didn't.

I couldn't. Deeds, I promise I'll make it up to you.

How? Are you going to save the Y from the global bully boys?

I don't think so.

Are you going to get me Cheryl?

In your dreams.

Sorry!

Where is Cheryl from X Factor? The crowd is getting restless.

THEY CHANT "CHERYL! CHERYL!"

Just tell them there's a...

..technical delay.

HE BURPS

Thank you, thank you.

And now, Hurricane Jake will perform Something Kinda Ooh.

HE BURPS TO BACKING TRACK OF "SOMETHING KINDA OOH"

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to have to tell you

that due to unforeseen circumstances, Cheryl Cole...

-Is right here!

-She is?

# We got to fight, fight, fight, fight

# Fight for this love

# We got to fight, fight, fight, fight

# Fight for this love

# We got to fight, fight, fight, fight

# Fight for this love

# If it's worth having, it's worth fightin' for... #

Never has this place been so busy. I don't know how to thank you, Dede.

You do know that's not actually Cheryl, don't you?

But of course, they came for Cheryl off X Factor,

but they stay for the burping boy.

He is the real deal.

Not like that amateur.

Sadie's not that bad.

Arrgh!

OK, she is.

I can't believe you, Deedster.

You put Fastbucks out of business!

-Success tastes good!

-My life is over.

O-V-A-H!

Who needs Fastbucks when you have the Y Diner mocha-whippy latte?

It's not very, er, whippy.

You want whippy?

I got whippy!

THEY GIGGLE