Jazperilliant Sadie J

.

Ex-squeezez-moi, gossip girls. Kitty Kat coming through.

Miss V, bring me my usual.

-And vat vould zat be, sir?

-You forgot?

I've been coming here since I was knee-high to a bobby sock.

I would never forget something that important about...

-Did you change your hair?

-It's not Miss V, you muppet!

I am Jazper. Ze nephew of Miss V.

I'm here in ze big city, with the bright lights,

for my one and only school break all year round.

Er...no way! HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

So what's Auntie V treating you to?

Nothink. She is DJing in Magaluf.

And she has left me

to vork here all day every day for duration of her stay.

-That's...er...

-Weird? Cruel? Totally disrespectful to me?

-Nice.

-Isn't it? Ve have saying back in Klypota.

Give a child ze job of men, and he vill become one.

Unless it involves heavy machinery, when it is likely to cause accident.

Well, luckily for you, you'll be here to witness my bodacious birthday.

I'm turning fiercely 14 the day after tomorrow.

JAZPER SPEAKS GIBBERISH

-Huh?

-It means happy birthday in Klypotan.

-Kit!

-You're going to be 14?

Wow. I hope you've done the "things to do before you're 14" list.

-Kit, there's...

-I'm doing it today, actually. As soon as Sadie turns up.

She's my witness.

And, yes, she's completed the list, cos...

-BOTH:

-You can't be a witness unless you've done the list, yes?

Please don't freak out, but Sadie got a last-minute chance

-to go skydiving with her aunt in Aberdeen.

-Yeeeeeesssss!

-Noooooooo!

-Calm down!

Sadie said I should be her for the week

and do whatever she was supposed to do instead.

Oh, my Lady Gaga! You want me to be your list witness!

But I haven't even done the list.

Then you'll have to do it.

Because, if you don't do it, I can't do it,

which means I can't turn 14 with any self-respecting...self-respect.

-This is priceless.

-I might as well hang up my sparkly salopettes,

stop wearing hats at a jaunty angle

and put on a one-size-fits-all plain T and move to Bangor.

Is that what you want?!

OK, OK, I'll do the list!

You will? Oh, Deeds!

Really? That would be the best birthday pressie ever.

-What are BFFs for, right?

-Coolio.

In that case, I'll be YOUR witness.

I seriously want to be there when the Deedlebug fails.

I'm not going to fail. I never fail. I'm unable to fail.

Now, give me the list.

SHE STARTS TO HYPERVENTILATE

Now I know why Sadie says this all the time. Aaaarrrrggghhhhh!

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble Tricks are good

# To save the day, to save the day

# I'd love another girl Around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# I guess it's hard To be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl In a boys'...

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

# Mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't wanna be The only girl

# In a boys' world. #

Hey, no dawdling. We've got a lot of work to do today in that garage.

-On my way.

-Right, hold that.

I don't know if you realise this,

but we've got a deadline for Mr Flurry Pops.

I know. Because nobody wants an overheated ice-cream van.

No. So get me Roger's food, his lead and the cereal.

Good. If we don't get this done this afternoon,

we are on very thin ice.

In fact, scrap that.

We're on melted ice.

-Steve, are you stressed?

-Why, why, why are you saying that?!

You've put the bed sheet in the fridge,

you've given Danny and Jake Beefy Bony Bites for breakfast

-and you're taking the chair for a walk.

-Oh...

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just missing Sadie, that's all. You know?

She doesn't do a lot, but she does enough.

Yeah, Sadie said you'd be like this.

-Really?

-Yeah. That's why she said I should be her for the weekend,

step up to the plate.

Or...bowl.

Sort out some proper breakfast while I get started on the van.

-What about Roger?

-Chillax.

Sadie's put the boys in charge of him. All right?

All right.

Here... I like this new Keith.

Never underestimate the power of the Keith-meister.

Cos he's actually a lot more in control than you think.

-Ninja to your right!

-Eat Samurai sword, Ninja fiend!

-Ninja up above!

I'll take you down and show you who is master of this temple!

Ninja to your left!

-Dad!

-What are you shouting at me for? You spilled the breakfast.

You almost lost us out on the Shinto Temple of Honiwojinja!

The what?

The leader of the ancient warlord clan? Gogimakazhu!

Waka-who? Whatever.

A little birdie tells me that you are supposed to be...

Sadie for the week. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Yes, we know.

"You've got to take care of Roger."

-Which we will do, once we've stormed...

-The Shinto Temple of...

Oi!

Right, now, he needs food, a walk and a wash.

Until then, no more...knicky knacky winja woja ninja...whatever.

-But you don't understand!

-No, YOU don't understand.

You've got a duty to this dog. You're being irresponsible.

-But...that game is addictive!

-We need it!

No. Not as much as he NEEDS a wash.

Sorry. It's number seven on the list thingy.

I have to steal something.

Tick.

Please accept this new milkshake

as a replacement for the one that I stole.

And as an extra thank-you...

-What are you doing?

-Ha! In your face, girlfriend. Dede's on fire.

Yeah! A big cheating fire.

Nuh-uh. I'm just doing everything on the list...

Dede-style.

No-one said it wasn't open to interpretation.

Ooh, time to do number three.

E-mail in homework late.

Three seconds late!

-W-what are you doing?

-Number five. Dancing like nobody's watching.

That's because nobody IS watching!

I am.

Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

BRUNO MARS: # And when you smile... #

May I have the next dance?

You have not lived until you have seen my chicken feet.

It is traditional Klypotan dance.

Sorry, I'm kind of busy right now.

When I do it back in Klypota, it makes my best friend Vorkel

roll over in the mud and tinkle himself!

-He is a pig.

-GRUNTING

Right. Can we please get this show on the road?

I'm bungee jumping in five.

Off a five foot pole, natch.

-Fine. Whatevs.

-Good luck, Deeds.

Remember it's my b-day in one day

so the sooner you can finish the list the sooner I can start.

Zere you go.

Oh, silly me. You did not order the fries, did you?

Oh, no. They are mine. Didn't Miss V tell you?

I always get extra fries on...Extra Fries Friday.

-Seriously?

-Mm-hm.

I'm so sorry for the mixup.

You must remind me of these British idiosyncrasies, Mr Karter.

No, I couldn't.

Could I?

And zere is ze Vagon Vheel pizza viz posh potato skins.

You certainly get a lot of extras on a Friday, Mr Karter.

You should wait and see what I get on a Saturday.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Actually, you forgot my candy.

Right, here's the plan.

Feed Roger, wash Roger, take Roger for a walk,

which will dry him off,

and if we limit it to T minus 10 minutes per task

we should be back on the couch playing Ninja Warlord by...erm...

Really quickly. Are you with me?

This thing is enormous.

There's no way of tipping it into his boooooowwwwlll!

-Man down!

-Man up, more like!

What did you think this scoop was for, you melon head?

A jaunty little doggy hat?

-Well, at least he's eating it.

-True.

Feed Roger, tick.

Right, I'll go get the doggy shampoo and you turn on the S-H-O-W-E-R.

Turn on the show...er.

Not the show-er, the S-H-O-W-E-R.

-The drippy thing in the bathroom that gets you clean.

-Ah, the...

Don't even think about saying it.

This is one of the dirtiest dogs in town. And that's how he likes it.

-One mention of you-know-what and he'll be off like a shot.

-Ah, gotcha.

Hmm! Peach and passionfruit pooch wash. Nice!

And how about a little bit of coconut canine conditioner?

-We'll have you silky smooth in no time, Rog.

-Shower's ready!

ROGER BARKS

Come on. Come on, you blighter.

Oh!

Oh, three-inch wrench, please.

-No way!

-Excuse me?

-This is Ninja Warlord Five.

The Shinto Temple of Honiwojinja!

The only VG to get six stars on the VG five-star chart.

Nope, nope, you lost me at "Shinto".

Hello.

Can I have a three-inch wrench, please?

-Ain't it lunchtime yet?

-Forget about lunch.

-Have you seen the state of this thing?

-Not even a cold one?

Don't even think about it.

I tell you, two hours and that lot is going to be ice-cream soup.

You know, boss, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

-Oh, yeah? What's your excuse, then?

-I'm serious.

You can't keep pushing yourself like this, you'll burn yourself out.

And burnout leads to freakout, girlfriend.

Are you reading Sadie's Girltastic magazine again?

Well, I can't read Flat Tyres Fortnightly all the time, can I?

Look, it says here, no matter how deadly the deadline is,

if we don't take regular breaks our work is likely to suffer.

BANG!

Just like that.

-Put the kettle on.

-I've got a way better idea.

-Ninja at your back.

-Oh, kick that Ninja scum.

-Ninja on the floor.

Feel the wrath of the master of the temple.

-How good is this, boss?

-Oh, it's pretty awesome.

Tell me about it. Even beats Sadie's skydiving, I bet.

Aaaaaarrrggghhh!

Possibly.

Told you it was good, didn't I?

-ALARM BELL SOUNDS

-Oops.

-Better get back to Mr Flurry Pops.

-Ooh, not so fast.

We've only just broken through the defences of Hokinokasuuuuu.

Is it true?! Is it true?!

Hello, Mum?

That nice dress you wore to Sadie's barbecue last week

was ruined by that frankly hideous cardigan.

So I'm saving up to buy you a new one for your b-day.

See you at dinner!

Number 13. Tell someone an uncomfortable home truth. Done.

And, yes, it's true, I've just completed the list,

in record time with nil fails.

Care to verify?

OMG, Deeds, you are officially a-to-the-mazing.

Now you can watch me do exactly what you did all over again.

-Yay...

-You don't know how much this means to me.

If I had turned 14 without completing

that "things to do before you're 14" list,

I think I'd collapse. Like, literally.

Yeah, good on you, Deeds!

Oh, look. There's one more you still haven't done.

Number 14. Go on a date with someone and kiss them?!

Oh, no. No way.

The Deedster doesn't do that. The Dede no do-do. Cos I don't!

Captain Skylo is the only man for me. It's impossible.

Oh! Kit!

Just leave me here at 13.

I'm no use to anyone after tomorrow if I haven't completed that list.

That's ridiculous. Tell him how ridiculous that is.

Actually I think he's got a fair point.

Where am I supposed to find a boy to go on a date with, and kiss, today?

-BOTH:

-Never going to happen.

Chillax. Friends don't count anyway.

-You'll have to find someone else.

-But there IS no-one else.

-One extra choca-loca-sha-da shake, for Extra Fries Friday.

-Thank you.

Can I get you anything, Miss Baxter?

One dinner date with a side order of mwah, mwah, mwah!

Roger! Roger!

Have you definitely checked in the garage

and the garden and the greenhouse, yeah?

Yeah. You checked on the stairs,

under the stairs and on top of the stairs?

Yeah. You know what this means, don't you?

We're never going to get back to Ninja Warlord today.

Roger has left the building.

-And that means?

-He'll be halfway to Scotland by now.

-Argh!

-BOTH: Roger! Roger!

-No, I can't do it.

-Don't even think about letting me down, Deeds.

Sadie would do it and you promised to be her for the week.

Are you kidding me? Sadie never does anything she doesn't want to do.

But it's my birthday! My special day. It's not like you get one every year.

You're SO going to owe me for this, you know that?

Thanks, Deeds. You can have anything you like.

Absolutely anything. Though my Gaga collection is off limits

and my pocket money goes off to pay a rather large Lily Allen debt.

-What?

-I know, she's SO over.

But like many misguided memento hunters,

I thought she was in it for the long haul.

-Deedlebug.

-Ashlii. Er, Jazper, can I have a word?

HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE

-It means yes.

-How verbally cumbersome.

-Thank you.

Enough of the flirting, Deeds. Get on with it.

I was wondering if maybe...

-And you can totally say no...

-No, he can't. Sorry.

If you'd like to go on a date with me.

I'm not that hideous, am I?

-Well, now you ask...

-Of course I will go on a date with you!

Yes, yes and another yes!

I'll take that as a yes, then!

I promise you, this will be the best date in the history of the world.

Oh, no. You don't have to go to any trouble. Like, really.

I mean, look at us now, standing here,

together, in a cafe. We're practically on a date right now.

In fact, if you just pecked me on the cheek before I go,

-we might not even have to go on a date.

-Uh-uh-uh.

You are hilarious, Miss Baxter.

One cannot be on a date without ze beautiful, billowing bunting.

And ze harp tinkling and tonkling in the breeze.

Tinkle, tonkle. Tinkle, tonkle.

Tinkle, tonkle.

And a large goat fizzing on the spit.

Goat - very important in Klypotian culture.

That sounds beyond. You are one lucky girl, Deedster.

I know! Why don't I book you a booth here?

-Make it even more romantique!

-ALL: Yes!

No! I mean, erm, fine.

Just, no bunting. Or tinkling. Or goat fizzing.

And definitely no romantique.

Just a normal, low-key date, with a shakalaka shake.

And maybe some curly fries.

As you wish. There will just be shakes and curly fries.

And then, I will sing a specially composed love song for you.

We can dance the chicken feet dance together.

See you at seven!

PHONE RINGS

If we're going to breach this temple,

we're going to have to embrace the way of the samurai.

-Yeah, but boss...

-From now on, I'm not your boss.

-I'm your sensei.

-You're not a sensei.

-We've been here for...

-Ooh, come on!

Let's teach these Ninja hordes a lesson!

HE SCREAMS

That's what I'm talking about.

You can almost smell victory. It smells a bit like...

BOTH: ..burnt ice-cream.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, no! Why did you not remind me about Mr Flurrypops?

I've been trying to tell you,

but you were too wrapped up in that stupid game.

That game is not stupid. It's just incredibly addictive.

I don't believe it. The boys were right.

I don't believe it. Dad was right. We ARE totally irresponsible.

Don't give up so easily, Danny boy.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

She sang two hours ago and caught the bus home, you melon head.

Get with the programme, Jakey boy. We've looked all over town.

-Roger is gone.

-Oh, no!

What's Sadie going to say when she gets back from skydiving?

No-o-o-o-o!

-Doesn't bear thinking about.

-Oh, loveable, smelly old Roger.

Good, kind, smelly old Roger.

Are you crying?

No. You?

-Hey, Jazper.

-Hey, Dede.

Oh, my Gaga!

I know this British turn of phrase. It means hurrah, yes?

-That's one interpretation.

-I am so glad you are happy with it.

I thought you did not want a fuss, but Ashlii said you did.

I bet she did.

That's why I have pushed out the strudelboat.

No way.

-Way.

-Hang on. Isn't that...?

Moi? I'm here for moral support, Deeds. Obvs. Look, no hands!

Now close. It doesn't matter how much of a nerd he is,

nobody wants to kiss a mothball mouth.

Actually, it's just going to be a tiny peck.

Care to take a seat, Miss Baxter?

Erm, bring-bring, bring-bring! Sorry, that's me.

Hello, Mum? Oh, no! Granny Baxter's ill?

And she wants me to visit her, like, really, really soon?

But I'm on a date. I couldn't possibly... Be there in five.

-What is she playing at?

-It's all part of the plan. I hope.

Sorry, looks like we're going to have to wrap things up.

Granny B's been stung by a bee.

Oh, poor old woman.

But Miss Summers hasn't brought out the dinner platters yet.

In Klypota, dates take place over six separate courses.

Plus dessert. And strudel cheese.

Yeah, I might have to skip dessert. And courses two through six.

Maybe we should just kiss goodbye now.

-Told you.

-What a shame.

I was so hoping we could enjoy a lively discussion over dinner

about such interesting subjects as

the origins of the chicken feet dance

or why my pet piglet will always shimmy to Susan Boyle,

or which episode of Space Cargo is the most thrilling.

BELL TINGS

What? YOU like Space Cargo? Me, too!

Yes. This is why I am so glad Auntie V invited me to look after Y Diner.

Here, I can watch endless reruns of the show.

At home, Mama's always nagging.

"Go outside and wear hoodie like normal teenager."

But we ARE normal teenagers.

Exactly. Teenagers who know where Captain Scarlo

gets his infinite power source.

BOTH: The Rock of Cargozinian.

THEY LAUGH

You're not going to believe this,

but I actually own one of the original rock props

used in the first series.

I don't believe it!

I queued for 17 hours just to get into the auction

for one of those rocks and I didn't even get a pebble.

I want to hear all about how you got it.

-Well...

-Wait, what about your sick grandmother?

-Pah, she'll get over it.

-No, no, no. You must go.

Er, ping! Oh, yay! She's better.

Ah, OK.

Hang on, I have a special shakalaka shara shake for us to share.

Let me fetch.

-Deeds, what gives?

-You better get a move on.

Chillax, guys. I may have thought Jazper was a total nerdaloid,

who I'd only ever kiss cos of that stupid list,

but he's actually a really nice guy AND he likes Space Cargo.

Can you believe, the thought of kissing him

doesn't make me feel physically sick anymore?

He's right behind me, isn't he?

I expected more from you, Miss Baxter. This date is finished.

Dad?

Danny.

There's something you should know, Mr Jenkins.

-I've got something to tell you boys, too.

-You first.

-No, you.

-You.

-Rock, paper, scissors?

-Get on with it!

I've got addicted to Ninja Warlord and I've done all the levels.

We tried looking after Roger, but we lost him.

-You've lost Roger?

-You played every level on Ninja Warlord?

-Do you know how serious this is?

-Do YOU know how serious this is?

I can never play that game again now that it's been done.

You have lost a member of our family.

OK, you win. But you don't understand!

We tried our best, we really did.

-Er, Danny...

-No, let me say this.

-Mate...

-One sec, Keith.

We gave our all to that dog. We fed him.

I got coconut canine conditioner out especially just to wash him.

And as Jakey boy here as my witness,

Roger was just sitting there like that and then, he disappeared.

HE SOBS

ROGER PANTS

Roger?

We'll just be, erm, going.

Yes, you do that.

PHONE RINGS

I thought I told you not to call me again.

Yes, but that was then and this is now. Things change.

In three minutes?

Look, Deeds, before you hang up, again,

I just wanted you to know that it's not the end of the world

and that we can get through this together as BFFs and best buds.

I guess. Thanks, Kit.

So, how do you feel about a tete-a-tete

or more accurately, a date-a-date, with Liam Higgins?

He's happy for you to kiss him on the cheek for a Supercon comic,

whatever that is.

The point being that you finish your list and I start mine tout de suite.

Don't you get it? That stupid, pointless, imbecilic list

is what got me into all this trouble in the first place!

I hurt Jazper because of it, because of you.

-In fact, this is all your fault.

-OMLG, Deeds, I am such an idiot.

Too right! You're the idiot's idiot. King Idiot.

President of the Idotonians.

You're right, I have to do something to make it up to Jazper.

No, don't you dare do anything. You've done enough damage as it is.

All new Kitty Kat coming through. Make way for change.

Have you gone totally bonkerlicious?

Chillax, Jaz. I'm doing this for your benefit.

-I'm not feeling it.

-Attenzione, Y diners!

I think most of you here are familiar

with the Things To Do Before You're 14 list my BFF Dede agreed to do,

just so she could be my list witness.

And she hates it. And do you know what? She's right.

The list is stupid... THEY GASP

..pointless... THEY GASP

-..and imbeklinic.

-ALL: What?

-Imbecilic.

-That's the one.

You heard me. Dede ended up hurting...someone.

Someone she would never have willingly hurt

if I hadn't forced her into it

which is why I wanted to say a big heartfelt sorry to you, Jazper.

I hope you can forgive us. The list is officially dissed.

THEY CHEER

-That was very big of you, Kit.

-It was, wasn't it?

Of course I forgive you.

Don't listen to a word he says.

OK, I know I totally messed up and you'll probably never forgive me.

Actually, Deeds...

-Let me finish. I want him to know how terrible I feel.

-But, Deeds...

Zip it, Kit. And the only way I could think of making it up to you

was to give you this.

-The Rock of Cargozinian!

-Could you possibly forgive me?

But I have already forgiven you. Kit explained everything

and I realise you do it cos you're a pure-hearted, wonderful person.

Well, if you've already forgiven me...

I mean, it's a prized piece in my collection.

So, if you don't mind, I'll...

Nothing. Enjoy the rock.

Thank you, Miss Baxter.

OMLG, Deeds. Jazper just kissed you!

-I know!

-Which means you've completed the list. Which means I can...

Don't even go there.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

There you go, Mr Karter.

Extra strudel sausage on Extra Strudel Sausage Saturday

along with extra shakes and schnitzels.

Oh, and I almost forgot,

an extra large bill for all the extras.

You what?! But...

Don't worry.

You've got until Time To Pay Up Tuesday to settle the bill.

No!