Bardalicious Sadie J

Guess who's got two tickets to the Wrestle Madness arena tour today?

-Oh, my Gaga.

-Coolio. I didn't think you'd want to come.

I don't. I just saw that.

Yowser. Nice, um, deckchair

and...glass?

Actually, it's a manacle.

-Monocle?

-What she said. And it's not a deckchair.

-It's a director's chair.

-So what are the cape and the cap?

A cape and a cap. Dur!

I, Kit Karter, am directing the Y's first theatre extravaganza!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you, I know. Overdue, you say?

You? You couldn't direct traffic. How did you get Ms V to agree to that?

Dur! She thinks I'm a creative genius.

OK, I told her there's moolah in theatres and we struck a deal.

She gets 75% of the ticket profit,

plus 75% of the remaining 25%, plus 10% commission.

-That's not a deal, it's a stitch-up!

-Bless you!

I thought you wanted to be an actor, not a director?

My acting coach says I'm wasting my time with stage,

which means I need to take on a bigger role.

So which big sparkling musical will you be directing?

None. To make it as a director, you've got to go serious.

That's why I'm tackling the Bard.

William Shakespeare.

BOTH: Awesome!

Which one of his masterpieces will you be annihilating?

All of them.

It's called Two Gentlemen's Much Ado About Romeo And Juliet

In A Midsummer Night's Tempest. It's all his hits.

Now 1600.

Oh, despicable!

As co-founder and president of the school Shakespeare society,

I prohibit, nay ban, nay forbid...

Oh, bored. Must dash, I'm meeting my cast.

Romeo, or should I say Taylor, needs directing.

'OMLG, Taylor is playing Romeo?!'

# When I see your face... #

I have to play Juliet! I mean, I'm free for rehearsals.

I thought you wanted to go to that Wrestle Madness?

Er...no tickets left, drat! Can I have the part, please, please?

Mucho apologies, I only have the back legs of the donkey left.

Theresa Babcock worked her socks off for the front.

Who's playing Juliet?

I just know this is going to bring Tay-Tay and me back together.

For ever. And ever.

The end.

I know I say this a lot, but...nooooooo!

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble It takes a girl

# To save the day, to save the day

# I'd love another girl Around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# I guess it's hard To be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# In a boys' world

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

# Mental attitude

# Understanding, kind and sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't wanna be The only girl

# In a boys' world. #

Please tell me you're happy cos we've had a cancellation, boss.

I can't do any more overtime, I'm spent.

-No need. We have an extra pair of hands helping today.

-Whose hands?

-Guilty!

-This is Justin.

He's a trainee mechanic at the local college.

-I prefer automobile technician, actually, Mr Jenkins.

-Gotcha, yes.

Anything to keep him happy.

He's been here since six and he's free.

What do you need a new trainee for? Aren't I enough?

You're enough all right.

Hey, look, er...

The thing is, I was...

thinking...it's about time... you...had your own apprentice.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

-Wicked!

-Well...

-I've been wanting my own apprentice since I became one!

That is, like, proper awesome, Steve. Cheers, big guy!

Well, that's the sort of big guy I am, eh?

Right. What shall I teach him first?

You could start by sorting out the tracking.

Got it, no probs, done deal.

Do you want to teach me how to sort the tracking on it first, boss?

Oh, that I wear a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek.

Mind the bling, Taylor!

She speaks!

Dur, obvs! What's he think this is, a gerbil?

Speak again, bright angel!

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou... Ow!

Ow, I just had that big toe re-jewelled!

Oh, this is a pile-up, I can't watch!

I know, right!

Luckily, I have a plan to get rid of the tiny-brained one -

Ashlii.

I will play Juliet. Make no mistake.

OK, so, the good news is, the Juliet balcony's arrived.

The bad news is Ashlii hasn't had the health and safety briefing

on how to use it.

Unlike myself.

That's fine. She can wear this till she does.

Quelle emergency?

It's this! I'm pretty sure the purists

won't mind too much you giving Richard III a freestyle jazz number,

but I think they'll kick up a fuss about the Juliet oversight.

-Oversight?

-Ye-huh.

Didn't you read the description?

It says here,

"Juliet must be played by a blonde girl in pigtails and dungarees."

Mon cherie! It's the theatre.

That's why we have wigs and costumes.

Which reminds me. Your hind legs just came in.

Aren't they divine? Ciao!

Huh. Right!

That's it. I'm officially up the creek without a paddle.

Unless...

I somehow find a way of getting Ashlii into a canoe,

then taking away her paddle. Could that work?

No! You're as bad as Kit.

Between you, you'll totally ruin the story of the star-crossed lovers.

What makes you think you'd be any better than Ashlii as Juliet?

-Deeds, you're supposed to be on my side!

-I'm on the Bard's side.

In fact, I refuse to put up with this desecration of his work

any longer. I'm going to get this production stopped.

Ow!

Skullcrusher II. Let the skull-crushing commence!

-Yes!

-No.

Don't ask me what's wrong.

I'm too upset to talk about it.

OK.

OK, fine, I'll tell you what's wrong.

Luke, my dancing partner, blew me out for a footy match.

We're supposed to do the amateur dance

for the Strictly Come Dancing tour on Friday.

I'll never find someone to dance with me now.

Why don't boys like Strictly?!

BOTH: What? We do!

-'Sorry, Len, but that was a...'

-ALL: Disaster!

When do you want me to start rehearsing?

You?! I don't think so!

She likes me, so I get to be her dance partner.

Right, Imogen?

Dream on. I'm not about to mess up in front of Alesha Dixon,

just because I like you.

Only the best hip-shaker gets to take me to the glitter ball.

The show's in two days. Better start brushing up your dance moves, boys.

Top score gets the gig.

THEME FROM STRICTLY COME DANCING PLAYS

# Baby, we're just friends What are you saying? #

What is it with these witches?

Have they never done a box step to Bieber before?

HOOTER

Good news, my lord. My old mucker and theatre stalwart,

Madame De Groot, will be gracing us with presence at your performance.

Oo-arr.

Look, Ms V, I know you want to feel part of the play,

but your ye olde accent is seriously pants.

Fine!

All I wanted to say was that my close friend and theatre critic,

Irma De Groot, will be watching your little performance.

OMLG!

Do you mean that Irma De Groot, the renowned Twitterererer?

-Yes.

-Argh!

She killed Phil Mitchell The Musical before she even left the theatre.

Then your play had better be good.

A positive review can have a massive effect on the shnoodles on seats.

Talking of which, we have not sold nearly enough tickets.

I hope you have not been lying to me

about popularity of this diner theatre, Kitty-Kat.

TOOT!

Kit! This donkey costume is seriously doing my head in.

-What's going on?

-Irma De Groot!

One wrong word from her and my directing career is over.

O-V-U-H! Before it began!

I can't afford to have amateurs on stage, with her in the audience.

This is one major-tastic problem!

Problem? He wants to try dressing as a donkey butt,

when what you want is to play Juliet opposite a boy you totally dig,

but has no idea you exist.

-Why can't someone throw me a bone?!

-Could someone run lines with me?

Ashlii's having her big toe be-jewelled. Again.

Thank you!

I'll do it.

Bless you, Sass!

I need to go collect my fort.

You're in early.

-Got to be, ain't I? Now I'm the boss.

-Technically, I am still...

Check it out! It's my list of dos and don'ts for my apprentice.

I'm well impressed.

I never realised you had such a wealth of experience

when it came to...

-making tea.

-Yeah, well, it's not so much about mechanics.

It's about working here.

Anyone can change a tyre or fix a blown gasket.

Really? I thought you hadn't...

But it takes a really skilled member of staff to know

not to over-fill the kettle or you'll scorch your pinkie.

And to give Steve an extra biscuit in the morning, or he'll get grumpy.

-I do not!

-I think you do, Mr Jenkins.

Morning, Keith.

Two for me, three for you.

-Ah.

-How do you know that?

Fast learner!

It also helps if you give him a soupcon of extra sugar in his tea

and bring him the newspaper.

Ah, well, that's where you're wrong.

Roger mauls it in the morning, so it's practically unreadable.

Not if you pop to the newsagent the previous evening

and give him a stack of zip-lock bags to keep it tidy.

Ah! What's he like, eh? All of this, and he's sorted out

the backlog of work this morning.

Then he started cold-calling customers to drum up trade.

I prefer the phrase "telecommunication marketing".

Ah, he-he! He can call it what he likes as long as it works.

Yeah, whatever.

I'll go and make my own tea, shall I?

Don't over-fill it, or you'll scorch your pinkie.

HE CHUCKLES

Ahem! "Dear Mr Kit Karter,

"On behalf of all 14 members of the school Shakespeare society,

"we're writing to inform you that we are in the process

"of petitioning the Globe Theatre, London,

"to halt your ongoing creative crimes against the Bard and his work...".

Talk to the manacle, cos the cap ain't listening.

It's a MONOCLE, you muppet!

What you don't understand is that...

Oh, me.

She speaks! Oh, speak again, bright angel,

for thou art as glorious as night being o'er my head.

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name

or, if thou wilt not,

be but sworn, my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

I know, I know. Don't say it.

I got a lot of work to do.

-It wasn't that bad, was it?

-Bad?

It was perfect!

You and him and...

You were born to play Romeo and Juliet!

-But you said...

-I was wrong, I admit! And I never admit it.

When Ashlii and Taylor read it, it was dead,

but with you two, it came from the heart.

-Seriously?

-Yes! You two belong on stage.

You have to do something to get rid of Ashlii as Juliet!

Put your back into it, Babcock! Not that way, that way!

-If you don't, I'll take her down myself!

-Argh!

Oww!

Owww!

I know how that looks, but that was not intentional, I swear.

Oh, my Gaga! Our beautiful Juliet is down. She can't perform like this!

We need a talented actress to replace her, right now.

-Or someone who knows all her lines.

-I do!

-You've got the gig.

-Yes!

BOTH: Go, Sassy, go, Sassy, go, Sassy!

-Taylor, I'm demoting you to donkey's hind legs.

-Why?

Being so new to this art.

You need a seasoned entertainer by your side.

Namely, moi, Kit Karter's officially come out of acting retirement.

You can't.

Why, how hard can it be to direct myself? Hand, move, see.

# There's a fire starting in my heart

# Reaching a fever pitch

# It's bringing me out the dark

# See how I'll leave With every piece of you

# Don't underestimate... #

No. Oh. If we're going to be ready

for the Strictly audition on Friday we need proper help.

If only we knew someone as twinkle-toed as Bruno Tonioli.

As versatile as Len Goodman.

And as strictly flamboyant as a young Craig Revel Horwood.

BOTH: Kit!

If you teach me to dance I'll give you all my pocket money

for a whole month.

If you teach me how to dance

I'll give you all my pocket money for two weeks.

-Aren't you supposed to up the offer?

-I get a lot more pocket money.

Boys, save your pennies. I don't have time to teach you anything.

I'm directing, producing and starring and rewriting a Shakespeare play.

Man, did he need spell check.

So how are we going to learn to dance?

Aren't you two forgetting you've got a tidy little mover closer to home?

# Night fever, night fever

# We know how to do it,

# Gimme that night fever, night fever. #

BOTH: Of course, Keith!

OK, so we are agreed. Now that Taylor is the back of the donkey,

I have to be the front.

Which means operation boot-up Babcock is a go-go. Yes?

I vowed to protect Shakespeare's legacy where I see it under threat.

Any way we can get you and Taylor playing opposite one another

works for me because it works for the play.

A simple yes would have been fine.

Hey, Theresa, how would you like to swap roles with Sadie?

She'd love to, wouldn't you? I mean Juliet, donkey's head, no contest.

No thanks, I've been working on my character motivation for weeks.

Even slept in a stable to, you know, get the feeling right.

Man, she really wants this.

And besides Taylor Bell's my hind legs and he's all types of hot.

Don't you get it? Sadie and Taylor are perfect together!

We've all had to make sacrifices here.

I had to tell the Shakespeare Society I was on board

with a production that had Lady Macbeth clubbing in Faliraki.

Oh, come on, Babcock, please.

Leave it, Sass, we tried, OK.

If you don't do this, I'll make sure every nerd in the school

knows that you couldn't spell the word oscilloscope,

that's why you only got 99% in your physics test.

-Not because you ran out of time.

-That was meant to be our secret.

Not any more. I don't want to do this, Theresa,

but my dedication to the Bard is forcing my hand.

Fine, take the part but you'll have to find someone else to be Juliet.

I could never get the back story right in time

and method acting is everything to me.

She's a maths major, attention to detail is everything to her.

Sadie and Taylor are perfect together.

Not on my turf.

So any luck with the potential Juliets?

I'm down to two, Ms V and you.

Oh, I never thought I'd say this

but the Bard actually had it easy compared to Kit.

He could even get guys to play women.

Deeds, you're a genius.

Thank you so much, Sass, you are totally right that you were

totally wrong to play the part of Juliet.

Playing both the lovers is going to be my greatest acting challenge yet.

Irma de Groot is going to think she has died and gone to theatre heaven.

-Like taking candy from a baby.

-Yes.

Now all you need to do is break the good news to Taylor.

0K, Taylor, I think it's time we had, the chat.

The chat?

-About getting back together.

-You dumped me.

Duh, we all make mistakes.

Yesterday I actually bought green with pink,

but being a semi-style icon

I could just about pull it off. Obvs.

So, we're back on, yeah?

Er, I don't think so.

In that case, please accept this as a goodbye present.

Oh, thanks, what is it?

The dos and don'ts of acting, dummy.

You're on stage in less than 24 hours and, believe me,

you need all the help you can get.

-Look, it's full of amazing tips.

-Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, like it says here, under no circumstances must you talk to,

or even look at, your fellow cast members on the day of the show.

-Why not?

-Bad luck, apparently,

like saying "Macbeth" instead of "the Scottish play."

Ooops, sorry.

-I mean, you don't want to wreck the show, do you?

-No.

In that case you better ignore everyone, and I mean everyone.

Hit it. Now prepare to be amazed.

To watch in wonder as the Keith Meister...

Just get on with it.

# So I said, what....#

-What, too much for you?

-No.

-I thought you said you could dance? You go to enough clubs.

-Yeah.

And that's what I do there. That's what everyone does.

Not everyone.

Music maestro?

FAST MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH: Wow!

Practice makes perfect, boys.

There's no secret, you need the right partner.

Is there anything you can't do?

Well, I'm not that hot with the ladies.

Kidding, I'm on fire.

Taylor, Taylor, have you seen Taylor Bell?

He's about yay high, totally delicious

-Taylor, I bring good news.

-Don't talk to me.

What's up with him?

Oh, I wish he wouldn't be like that, it's so not nice.

How are you supposed to know he asked me to go back out with him?

-He what?

-Yeah, it's awesome innit?

But, just because he's made his choice,

and it's not you, that's no excuse for being so horrific.

I mean he might think you're a loser, desperado, nonentity.

He said that?

That was the edited version.

-But I don't understand?

-What's not understand, he hates me.

As if.

There must be some kind of mistake.

Yes, listening to you was a big mistake,

-huge, mammoth, megamongus.

-Me?

Yeah, you started all this.

You said we'd make a perfect star-crossed lovers.

I thought you meant in real life but

-you were just talking about your stupid play.

-That's not true.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation

why Taylor's blanking you.

This happens in the Bard's plays all the time.

The third act mix up.

Then something happens to resolve it

and they all live happily ever after.

Unless it's Hamlet. Or Macbeth.

Dede, get a grip, this is my life and you've messed it up.

That's not true, I know I'm right about this

just give me a chance to prove it.

No. Give Theresa Babcock her donkey leggings back.

There is no way I am getting in to that costume with Taylor Bell.

End of.

Then I'll take Taylor's place

and we can go in it together as sisters and comrades.

-Fine, whatever.

-OK, see you.

-Steve, I need a word.

-Oh. That's a word.

It's Justin, my apprentice, I'm thinking of letting him go.

-Hold on, I'm his apprentice?

-No, er yes, it's a long story.

Look, the point is, I think he's done all he can do here.

Yeah, he has, quite literally.

He's done all the MOTs, every single wheel replacement,

the cracked screens, oil changes and the entire backlog of panel beating.

I'd prefer the term chassis pummelling.

-I don't see what the problem is, he's brilliant.

-That is the problem.

He's so good at everything he makes me feel useless.

Oh, don't be daft, you're not...

I mean, he can't be good at everything.

Almost everything.

Look, I think we've found our third amigo here, the third musketeer,

I can see Justin having a long and successful career here at Mr Motors.

Hey, and you as well, mate.

Who knows, in 10 years time you two could be running this place.

I could buy you matching overalls and give you keys to the garage.

And put your name on the sign,

"Steve, Keith and Justin's Mr Motors."

Actually, Mr Jenkins, I've got slightly bigger aspirations.

I want a fleet of high-tech, High Street garages providing

fast, efficient service, fuelled by the correct terminology.

I don't want to be the proprietor of a ramshackle backstreet garage

-that's going nowhere.

-You cheeky little...

-You're his boss, get rid of him.

-With pleasure.

Justin, with respect, you're fired.

You better be good, these Strictly tickets are like gold dust.

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four.

MUSIC PLAYS

Ow.

So what do you think?

Call that dancing? Get real. Now this is dancing.

-Watch it.

-Careful.

-Ow!

-Ouch.

Ow, my ankle.

It doesn't look like you're going to be dancing any time soon.

Want to bet? Ow!

-You have a nice rest.

-I'll go and get my dad.

After we've done a Pasodoble on tour.

Arrgh!

Nonny-nonny no,

one shackalacka shake.

Is this a burger I see before me?

Any sign of Irma de Groot?

She's over there, the little dumpling, eating dumplings.

Break a leg kitty-Kat.

Charming, break one yourself.

Now,

is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by the son of York, but who is York

and what is a name by which we call a rose, or a carnation?

Come on, come on we haven't got all day, donkey. Hey, Sass.

Don't say it, I know I'm always late but put it this way,

you're lucky I even came.

-No worries, you're here now.

-Glad you made it.

-Deeds, what is up with the voice?

-Er, I've got a cold.

-So anyway, had any more thoughts about Taylor?

-Uh? Ow.

Hang on...

It is a tale told by an idiot.

A horse, a horse my kingdom for a horse.

I really, really like Taylor but if he doesn't like me then that's OK.

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil.

You can't help who you fall in love with after all.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

It's game over because he's asked moosehead, Ashlii back out.

No, I haven't.

The only person I want to ask out right now is you.

And there I pause.

What is so funny?

Come hither, donkey, and lead the way.

That's your cue, big ears, move it!

I said, come hither, donkey, and lead the way!

CHEERING

Sadie, you're ruining my...

ALL CHEER

Just go with it.

Don't worry, I intend to!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Guess what, guys? Irma De Groot loved the show!

She described it "total comic genius." See?

No way! Miss V must be happy.

She also said the menu was a total rip off

and the only medieval thing in sight was the owner.

Not that happy, then. Who cares?

-I am!

-Me too!

Well of course you are, you've got your very own Romeo.

Actually, it's Taylor.

Watch out, world. Things are never going to be the same again.

The Jenkster's finally got a boyfriend!

I've got a boyfriend!

I've got a boyfriend.

I've got a boyfriend! I've got a boyfriend! I've...