Bardalicious Sadie J


Bardalicious

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Guess who's got two tickets to the Wrestle Madness arena tour today?

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-Oh, my Gaga.

-Coolio. I didn't think you'd want to come.

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I don't. I just saw that.

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Yowser. Nice, um, deckchair

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and...glass?

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Actually, it's a manacle.

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-Monocle?

-What she said. And it's not a deckchair.

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-It's a director's chair.

-So what are the cape and the cap?

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A cape and a cap. Dur!

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I, Kit Karter, am directing the Y's first theatre extravaganza!

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-APPLAUSE

-Thank you, I know. Overdue, you say?

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You? You couldn't direct traffic. How did you get Ms V to agree to that?

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Dur! She thinks I'm a creative genius.

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OK, I told her there's moolah in theatres and we struck a deal.

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She gets 75% of the ticket profit,

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plus 75% of the remaining 25%, plus 10% commission.

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-That's not a deal, it's a stitch-up!

-Bless you!

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I thought you wanted to be an actor, not a director?

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My acting coach says I'm wasting my time with stage,

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which means I need to take on a bigger role.

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So which big sparkling musical will you be directing?

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None. To make it as a director, you've got to go serious.

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That's why I'm tackling the Bard.

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William Shakespeare.

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BOTH: Awesome!

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Which one of his masterpieces will you be annihilating?

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All of them.

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It's called Two Gentlemen's Much Ado About Romeo And Juliet

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In A Midsummer Night's Tempest. It's all his hits.

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Now 1600.

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Oh, despicable!

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As co-founder and president of the school Shakespeare society,

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I prohibit, nay ban, nay forbid...

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Oh, bored. Must dash, I'm meeting my cast.

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Romeo, or should I say Taylor, needs directing.

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'OMLG, Taylor is playing Romeo?!'

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# When I see your face... #

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I have to play Juliet! I mean, I'm free for rehearsals.

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I thought you wanted to go to that Wrestle Madness?

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Er...no tickets left, drat! Can I have the part, please, please?

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Mucho apologies, I only have the back legs of the donkey left.

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Theresa Babcock worked her socks off for the front.

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Who's playing Juliet?

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I just know this is going to bring Tay-Tay and me back together.

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For ever. And ever.

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The end.

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I know I say this a lot, but...nooooooo!

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# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys?

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# Give me a break

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# They've got attitude Kind of cute

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# But when they're in trouble It takes a girl

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# To save the day, to save the day

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# I'd love another girl Around the place

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# Could you be her?

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# Someone to back me up so I always

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# Have the last word

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# I guess it's hard To be the only girl

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# In a boys' world

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# Girl, girl

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# In a boys' world

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# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

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# Mental attitude

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# Understanding, kind and sensitive

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# Don't want gratitude

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# I just don't wanna be The only girl

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# In a boys' world. #

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Please tell me you're happy cos we've had a cancellation, boss.

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I can't do any more overtime, I'm spent.

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-No need. We have an extra pair of hands helping today.

-Whose hands?

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-Guilty!

-This is Justin.

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He's a trainee mechanic at the local college.

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-I prefer automobile technician, actually, Mr Jenkins.

-Gotcha, yes.

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Anything to keep him happy.

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He's been here since six and he's free.

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What do you need a new trainee for? Aren't I enough?

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You're enough all right.

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Hey, look, er...

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The thing is, I was...

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thinking...it's about time... you...had your own apprentice.

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-Seriously?

-Yeah.

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-Wicked!

-Well...

-I've been wanting my own apprentice since I became one!

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That is, like, proper awesome, Steve. Cheers, big guy!

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Well, that's the sort of big guy I am, eh?

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Right. What shall I teach him first?

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You could start by sorting out the tracking.

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Got it, no probs, done deal.

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Do you want to teach me how to sort the tracking on it first, boss?

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Oh, that I wear a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek.

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Mind the bling, Taylor!

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She speaks!

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Dur, obvs! What's he think this is, a gerbil?

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Speak again, bright angel!

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O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou... Ow!

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Ow, I just had that big toe re-jewelled!

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Oh, this is a pile-up, I can't watch!

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I know, right!

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Luckily, I have a plan to get rid of the tiny-brained one -

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Ashlii.

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I will play Juliet. Make no mistake.

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OK, so, the good news is, the Juliet balcony's arrived.

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The bad news is Ashlii hasn't had the health and safety briefing

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on how to use it.

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Unlike myself.

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That's fine. She can wear this till she does.

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Quelle emergency?

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It's this! I'm pretty sure the purists

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won't mind too much you giving Richard III a freestyle jazz number,

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but I think they'll kick up a fuss about the Juliet oversight.

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-Oversight?

-Ye-huh.

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Didn't you read the description?

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It says here,

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"Juliet must be played by a blonde girl in pigtails and dungarees."

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Mon cherie! It's the theatre.

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That's why we have wigs and costumes.

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Which reminds me. Your hind legs just came in.

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Aren't they divine? Ciao!

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Huh. Right!

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That's it. I'm officially up the creek without a paddle.

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Unless...

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I somehow find a way of getting Ashlii into a canoe,

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then taking away her paddle. Could that work?

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No! You're as bad as Kit.

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Between you, you'll totally ruin the story of the star-crossed lovers.

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What makes you think you'd be any better than Ashlii as Juliet?

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-Deeds, you're supposed to be on my side!

-I'm on the Bard's side.

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In fact, I refuse to put up with this desecration of his work

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any longer. I'm going to get this production stopped.

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Ow!

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Skullcrusher II. Let the skull-crushing commence!

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-Yes!

-No.

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Don't ask me what's wrong.

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I'm too upset to talk about it.

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OK.

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OK, fine, I'll tell you what's wrong.

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Luke, my dancing partner, blew me out for a footy match.

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We're supposed to do the amateur dance

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for the Strictly Come Dancing tour on Friday.

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I'll never find someone to dance with me now.

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Why don't boys like Strictly?!

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BOTH: What? We do!

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-'Sorry, Len, but that was a...'

-ALL: Disaster!

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When do you want me to start rehearsing?

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You?! I don't think so!

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She likes me, so I get to be her dance partner.

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Right, Imogen?

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Dream on. I'm not about to mess up in front of Alesha Dixon,

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just because I like you.

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Only the best hip-shaker gets to take me to the glitter ball.

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The show's in two days. Better start brushing up your dance moves, boys.

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Top score gets the gig.

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THEME FROM STRICTLY COME DANCING PLAYS

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# Baby, we're just friends What are you saying? #

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What is it with these witches?

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Have they never done a box step to Bieber before?

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HOOTER

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Good news, my lord. My old mucker and theatre stalwart,

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Madame De Groot, will be gracing us with presence at your performance.

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Oo-arr.

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Look, Ms V, I know you want to feel part of the play,

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but your ye olde accent is seriously pants.

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Fine!

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All I wanted to say was that my close friend and theatre critic,

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Irma De Groot, will be watching your little performance.

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OMLG!

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Do you mean that Irma De Groot, the renowned Twitterererer?

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-Yes.

-Argh!

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She killed Phil Mitchell The Musical before she even left the theatre.

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Then your play had better be good.

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A positive review can have a massive effect on the shnoodles on seats.

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Talking of which, we have not sold nearly enough tickets.

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I hope you have not been lying to me

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about popularity of this diner theatre, Kitty-Kat.

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TOOT!

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Kit! This donkey costume is seriously doing my head in.

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-What's going on?

-Irma De Groot!

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One wrong word from her and my directing career is over.

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O-V-U-H! Before it began!

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I can't afford to have amateurs on stage, with her in the audience.

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This is one major-tastic problem!

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Problem? He wants to try dressing as a donkey butt,

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when what you want is to play Juliet opposite a boy you totally dig,

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but has no idea you exist.

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-Why can't someone throw me a bone?!

-Could someone run lines with me?

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Ashlii's having her big toe be-jewelled. Again.

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Thank you!

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I'll do it.

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Bless you, Sass!

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I need to go collect my fort.

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You're in early.

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-Got to be, ain't I? Now I'm the boss.

-Technically, I am still...

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Check it out! It's my list of dos and don'ts for my apprentice.

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I'm well impressed.

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I never realised you had such a wealth of experience

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when it came to...

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-making tea.

-Yeah, well, it's not so much about mechanics.

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It's about working here.

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Anyone can change a tyre or fix a blown gasket.

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Really? I thought you hadn't...

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But it takes a really skilled member of staff to know

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not to over-fill the kettle or you'll scorch your pinkie.

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And to give Steve an extra biscuit in the morning, or he'll get grumpy.

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-I do not!

-I think you do, Mr Jenkins.

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Morning, Keith.

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Two for me, three for you.

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-Ah.

-How do you know that?

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Fast learner!

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It also helps if you give him a soupcon of extra sugar in his tea

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and bring him the newspaper.

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Ah, well, that's where you're wrong.

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Roger mauls it in the morning, so it's practically unreadable.

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Not if you pop to the newsagent the previous evening

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and give him a stack of zip-lock bags to keep it tidy.

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Ah! What's he like, eh? All of this, and he's sorted out

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the backlog of work this morning.

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Then he started cold-calling customers to drum up trade.

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I prefer the phrase "telecommunication marketing".

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Ah, he-he! He can call it what he likes as long as it works.

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Yeah, whatever.

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I'll go and make my own tea, shall I?

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Don't over-fill it, or you'll scorch your pinkie.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Ahem! "Dear Mr Kit Karter,

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"On behalf of all 14 members of the school Shakespeare society,

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"we're writing to inform you that we are in the process

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"of petitioning the Globe Theatre, London,

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"to halt your ongoing creative crimes against the Bard and his work...".

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Talk to the manacle, cos the cap ain't listening.

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It's a MONOCLE, you muppet!

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What you don't understand is that...

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Oh, me.

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She speaks! Oh, speak again, bright angel,

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for thou art as glorious as night being o'er my head.

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O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

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Deny thy father and refuse thy name

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or, if thou wilt not,

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be but sworn, my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

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I know, I know. Don't say it.

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I got a lot of work to do.

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-It wasn't that bad, was it?

-Bad?

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It was perfect!

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You and him and...

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You were born to play Romeo and Juliet!

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-But you said...

-I was wrong, I admit! And I never admit it.

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When Ashlii and Taylor read it, it was dead,

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but with you two, it came from the heart.

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-Seriously?

-Yes! You two belong on stage.

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You have to do something to get rid of Ashlii as Juliet!

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Put your back into it, Babcock! Not that way, that way!

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-If you don't, I'll take her down myself!

-Argh!

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Oww!

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Owww!

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I know how that looks, but that was not intentional, I swear.

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Oh, my Gaga! Our beautiful Juliet is down. She can't perform like this!

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We need a talented actress to replace her, right now.

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-Or someone who knows all her lines.

-I do!

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-You've got the gig.

-Yes!

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BOTH: Go, Sassy, go, Sassy, go, Sassy!

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-Taylor, I'm demoting you to donkey's hind legs.

-Why?

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Being so new to this art.

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You need a seasoned entertainer by your side.

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Namely, moi, Kit Karter's officially come out of acting retirement.

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You can't.

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Why, how hard can it be to direct myself? Hand, move, see.

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# There's a fire starting in my heart

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# Reaching a fever pitch

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# It's bringing me out the dark

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# See how I'll leave With every piece of you

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# Don't underestimate... #

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No. Oh. If we're going to be ready

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for the Strictly audition on Friday we need proper help.

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If only we knew someone as twinkle-toed as Bruno Tonioli.

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As versatile as Len Goodman.

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And as strictly flamboyant as a young Craig Revel Horwood.

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BOTH: Kit!

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If you teach me to dance I'll give you all my pocket money

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for a whole month.

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If you teach me how to dance

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I'll give you all my pocket money for two weeks.

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-Aren't you supposed to up the offer?

-I get a lot more pocket money.

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Boys, save your pennies. I don't have time to teach you anything.

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I'm directing, producing and starring and rewriting a Shakespeare play.

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Man, did he need spell check.

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So how are we going to learn to dance?

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Aren't you two forgetting you've got a tidy little mover closer to home?

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# Night fever, night fever

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# We know how to do it,

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# Gimme that night fever, night fever. #

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BOTH: Of course, Keith!

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OK, so we are agreed. Now that Taylor is the back of the donkey,

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I have to be the front.

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Which means operation boot-up Babcock is a go-go. Yes?

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I vowed to protect Shakespeare's legacy where I see it under threat.

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Any way we can get you and Taylor playing opposite one another

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works for me because it works for the play.

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A simple yes would have been fine.

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Hey, Theresa, how would you like to swap roles with Sadie?

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She'd love to, wouldn't you? I mean Juliet, donkey's head, no contest.

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No thanks, I've been working on my character motivation for weeks.

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Even slept in a stable to, you know, get the feeling right.

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Man, she really wants this.

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And besides Taylor Bell's my hind legs and he's all types of hot.

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Don't you get it? Sadie and Taylor are perfect together!

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We've all had to make sacrifices here.

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I had to tell the Shakespeare Society I was on board

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with a production that had Lady Macbeth clubbing in Faliraki.

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Oh, come on, Babcock, please.

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Leave it, Sass, we tried, OK.

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If you don't do this, I'll make sure every nerd in the school

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knows that you couldn't spell the word oscilloscope,

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that's why you only got 99% in your physics test.

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-Not because you ran out of time.

-That was meant to be our secret.

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Not any more. I don't want to do this, Theresa,

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but my dedication to the Bard is forcing my hand.

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Fine, take the part but you'll have to find someone else to be Juliet.

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I could never get the back story right in time

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and method acting is everything to me.

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She's a maths major, attention to detail is everything to her.

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Sadie and Taylor are perfect together.

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Not on my turf.

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So any luck with the potential Juliets?

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I'm down to two, Ms V and you.

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Oh, I never thought I'd say this

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but the Bard actually had it easy compared to Kit.

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He could even get guys to play women.

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Deeds, you're a genius.

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Thank you so much, Sass, you are totally right that you were

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totally wrong to play the part of Juliet.

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Playing both the lovers is going to be my greatest acting challenge yet.

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Irma de Groot is going to think she has died and gone to theatre heaven.

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-Like taking candy from a baby.

-Yes.

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Now all you need to do is break the good news to Taylor.

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0K, Taylor, I think it's time we had, the chat.

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The chat?

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-About getting back together.

-You dumped me.

0:17:190:17:21

Duh, we all make mistakes.

0:17:210:17:23

Yesterday I actually bought green with pink,

0:17:230:17:26

but being a semi-style icon

0:17:260:17:27

I could just about pull it off. Obvs.

0:17:270:17:30

So, we're back on, yeah?

0:17:300:17:31

Er, I don't think so.

0:17:310:17:33

In that case, please accept this as a goodbye present.

0:17:340:17:38

Oh, thanks, what is it?

0:17:380:17:40

The dos and don'ts of acting, dummy.

0:17:400:17:42

You're on stage in less than 24 hours and, believe me,

0:17:420:17:45

you need all the help you can get.

0:17:450:17:46

-Look, it's full of amazing tips.

-Oh, really?

0:17:460:17:50

Oh, yeah, like it says here, under no circumstances must you talk to,

0:17:500:17:53

or even look at, your fellow cast members on the day of the show.

0:17:530:17:56

-Why not?

-Bad luck, apparently,

0:17:560:17:58

like saying "Macbeth" instead of "the Scottish play."

0:17:580:18:01

Ooops, sorry.

0:18:010:18:03

-I mean, you don't want to wreck the show, do you?

-No.

0:18:030:18:06

In that case you better ignore everyone, and I mean everyone.

0:18:060:18:11

Hit it. Now prepare to be amazed.

0:18:150:18:18

To watch in wonder as the Keith Meister...

0:18:180:18:20

Just get on with it.

0:18:200:18:22

# So I said, what....#

0:18:280:18:32

-What, too much for you?

-No.

0:18:320:18:35

-I thought you said you could dance? You go to enough clubs.

-Yeah.

0:18:350:18:39

And that's what I do there. That's what everyone does.

0:18:390:18:42

Not everyone.

0:18:420:18:45

Music maestro?

0:18:450:18:46

FAST MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:470:18:51

BOTH: Wow!

0:19:040:19:05

Practice makes perfect, boys.

0:19:050:19:07

There's no secret, you need the right partner.

0:19:070:19:09

Is there anything you can't do?

0:19:090:19:10

Well, I'm not that hot with the ladies.

0:19:100:19:15

Kidding, I'm on fire.

0:19:150:19:18

Taylor, Taylor, have you seen Taylor Bell?

0:19:210:19:25

He's about yay high, totally delicious

0:19:250:19:27

-Taylor, I bring good news.

-Don't talk to me.

0:19:290:19:32

What's up with him?

0:19:320:19:35

Oh, I wish he wouldn't be like that, it's so not nice.

0:19:350:19:39

How are you supposed to know he asked me to go back out with him?

0:19:390:19:41

-He what?

-Yeah, it's awesome innit?

0:19:410:19:44

But, just because he's made his choice,

0:19:440:19:47

and it's not you, that's no excuse for being so horrific.

0:19:470:19:51

I mean he might think you're a loser, desperado, nonentity.

0:19:510:19:56

He said that?

0:19:560:19:57

That was the edited version.

0:19:570:19:59

-But I don't understand?

-What's not understand, he hates me.

0:20:050:20:10

As if.

0:20:100:20:11

There must be some kind of mistake.

0:20:110:20:13

Yes, listening to you was a big mistake,

0:20:130:20:16

-huge, mammoth, megamongus.

-Me?

0:20:160:20:19

Yeah, you started all this.

0:20:190:20:20

You said we'd make a perfect star-crossed lovers.

0:20:200:20:23

I thought you meant in real life but

0:20:230:20:25

-you were just talking about your stupid play.

-That's not true.

0:20:250:20:28

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation

0:20:280:20:30

why Taylor's blanking you.

0:20:300:20:32

This happens in the Bard's plays all the time.

0:20:320:20:34

The third act mix up.

0:20:340:20:36

Then something happens to resolve it

0:20:360:20:38

and they all live happily ever after.

0:20:380:20:40

Unless it's Hamlet. Or Macbeth.

0:20:420:20:44

Dede, get a grip, this is my life and you've messed it up.

0:20:440:20:47

That's not true, I know I'm right about this

0:20:470:20:49

just give me a chance to prove it.

0:20:490:20:51

No. Give Theresa Babcock her donkey leggings back.

0:20:510:20:54

There is no way I am getting in to that costume with Taylor Bell.

0:20:540:20:57

End of.

0:20:570:20:59

Then I'll take Taylor's place

0:20:590:21:01

and we can go in it together as sisters and comrades.

0:21:010:21:04

-Fine, whatever.

-OK, see you.

0:21:040:21:06

-Steve, I need a word.

-Oh. That's a word.

0:21:090:21:14

It's Justin, my apprentice, I'm thinking of letting him go.

0:21:140:21:18

-Hold on, I'm his apprentice?

-No, er yes, it's a long story.

0:21:180:21:22

Look, the point is, I think he's done all he can do here.

0:21:220:21:26

Yeah, he has, quite literally.

0:21:260:21:28

He's done all the MOTs, every single wheel replacement,

0:21:280:21:31

the cracked screens, oil changes and the entire backlog of panel beating.

0:21:310:21:35

I'd prefer the term chassis pummelling.

0:21:350:21:37

-I don't see what the problem is, he's brilliant.

-That is the problem.

0:21:370:21:40

He's so good at everything he makes me feel useless.

0:21:400:21:42

Oh, don't be daft, you're not...

0:21:420:21:45

I mean, he can't be good at everything.

0:21:450:21:47

Almost everything.

0:21:470:21:50

Look, I think we've found our third amigo here, the third musketeer,

0:21:500:21:56

I can see Justin having a long and successful career here at Mr Motors.

0:21:560:21:59

Hey, and you as well, mate.

0:22:010:22:02

Who knows, in 10 years time you two could be running this place.

0:22:020:22:06

I could buy you matching overalls and give you keys to the garage.

0:22:060:22:10

And put your name on the sign,

0:22:100:22:11

"Steve, Keith and Justin's Mr Motors."

0:22:110:22:15

Actually, Mr Jenkins, I've got slightly bigger aspirations.

0:22:150:22:20

I want a fleet of high-tech, High Street garages providing

0:22:200:22:25

fast, efficient service, fuelled by the correct terminology.

0:22:250:22:28

I don't want to be the proprietor of a ramshackle backstreet garage

0:22:280:22:32

-that's going nowhere.

-You cheeky little...

0:22:320:22:35

-You're his boss, get rid of him.

-With pleasure.

0:22:350:22:38

Justin, with respect, you're fired.

0:22:380:22:41

You better be good, these Strictly tickets are like gold dust.

0:22:470:22:52

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four.

0:22:520:22:56

MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:560:23:00

Ow.

0:23:020:23:03

So what do you think?

0:23:070:23:08

Call that dancing? Get real. Now this is dancing.

0:23:100:23:15

-Watch it.

-Careful.

-Ow!

-Ouch.

0:23:200:23:24

Ow, my ankle.

0:23:240:23:25

It doesn't look like you're going to be dancing any time soon.

0:23:250:23:28

Want to bet? Ow!

0:23:280:23:32

-You have a nice rest.

-I'll go and get my dad.

0:23:320:23:34

After we've done a Pasodoble on tour.

0:23:340:23:38

Arrgh!

0:23:430:23:44

Nonny-nonny no,

0:23:440:23:47

one shackalacka shake.

0:23:470:23:51

Is this a burger I see before me?

0:23:560:23:59

Any sign of Irma de Groot?

0:24:040:24:06

She's over there, the little dumpling, eating dumplings.

0:24:060:24:09

Break a leg kitty-Kat.

0:24:090:24:12

Charming, break one yourself.

0:24:120:24:15

Now,

0:24:190:24:22

is the winter of our discontent

0:24:220:24:26

made glorious summer by the son of York, but who is York

0:24:260:24:30

and what is a name by which we call a rose, or a carnation?

0:24:300:24:35

Come on, come on we haven't got all day, donkey. Hey, Sass.

0:24:350:24:39

Don't say it, I know I'm always late but put it this way,

0:24:390:24:42

you're lucky I even came.

0:24:420:24:44

-No worries, you're here now.

-Glad you made it.

0:24:440:24:48

-Deeds, what is up with the voice?

-Er, I've got a cold.

0:24:480:24:51

-So anyway, had any more thoughts about Taylor?

-Uh? Ow.

0:24:510:24:55

Hang on...

0:24:550:24:58

It is a tale told by an idiot.

0:24:580:25:01

A horse, a horse my kingdom for a horse.

0:25:010:25:04

I really, really like Taylor but if he doesn't like me then that's OK.

0:25:040:25:07

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil.

0:25:070:25:10

You can't help who you fall in love with after all.

0:25:100:25:12

Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

0:25:120:25:16

It's game over because he's asked moosehead, Ashlii back out.

0:25:160:25:19

No, I haven't.

0:25:190:25:21

The only person I want to ask out right now is you.

0:25:210:25:25

And there I pause.

0:25:260:25:28

What is so funny?

0:25:300:25:32

Come hither, donkey, and lead the way.

0:25:380:25:40

That's your cue, big ears, move it!

0:25:400:25:42

I said, come hither, donkey, and lead the way!

0:25:440:25:49

CHEERING

0:25:490:25:51

Sadie, you're ruining my...

0:25:540:25:56

ALL CHEER

0:25:560:25:58

Just go with it.

0:26:000:26:02

Don't worry, I intend to!

0:26:020:26:04

CHEERING

0:26:040:26:07

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:26:200:26:23

Guess what, guys? Irma De Groot loved the show!

0:26:280:26:31

She described it "total comic genius." See?

0:26:310:26:33

No way! Miss V must be happy.

0:26:330:26:36

She also said the menu was a total rip off

0:26:360:26:39

and the only medieval thing in sight was the owner.

0:26:390:26:42

Not that happy, then. Who cares?

0:26:420:26:44

-I am!

-Me too!

0:26:440:26:47

Well of course you are, you've got your very own Romeo.

0:26:470:26:49

Actually, it's Taylor.

0:26:490:26:51

Watch out, world. Things are never going to be the same again.

0:26:510:26:54

The Jenkster's finally got a boyfriend!

0:26:540:26:56

I've got a boyfriend!

0:26:560:26:58

I've got a boyfriend.

0:26:580:27:00

I've got a boyfriend! I've got a boyfriend! I've...

0:27:000:27:02

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