Foul Play Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Wherever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P. #

Ah, Hacker. I've a good feeling about today.

I can feel a scoop coming. I'm buzzing in anticipation.

PHONE VIBRATES

-Digby, your phone's on vibrate again.

-Oh, is it?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

-I don't need a phone to see it's time for my favourite meal.

-So far.

-Hacker!

-What?

-No.

-Aww.

Remember, we're all about healthy eating these days. Right, so...

It's tasty muesli for us, hey? You like your muesli, don't you?

-Remember, I don't like those yellow bits though.

-I remember, yeah.

-Picking out the banana, as we speak.

-And little orangey bits.

-Apricots?

-Yeah.

-They're coming out.

-And those rabbit droppings.

-Raisins.

-Don't like them much. And that sort of grainy, chewy stuff.

-Yeah, all right, that's the oats gone.

-Yeah, great.

-Hacker?

-Aw, shame. Whack a sausage on the grill.

Hacker, we're trying to be healthy. Like Carl Plummer.

-Who?

-Carl Plummer is a football internet sensation. Look him up!

-All right. Ooo, Carl Plummer.

-There's the clip.

Carl, I'm your biggest fan. Can I have your autograph?

Football is my passion.

My soul.

My life.

That's just one way to trick a defender.

FANS SCREAM

I could kick a ball before I could walk.

It's time to show the world what I was born to do.

Over 40 million internet hits already.

-That's more than that cat playing the piano.

-Stupid moggy!

Anyone can play Chopsticks badly. You want skill, you want a xylophone.

JAUNTY MUSIC

OK, OK. But that Plummer chap's a bit good though, isn't he?

-Unbelievable skills.

-Very unbelievable.

You may mock, you sausage scoffer, but the world and his dog

-think Plummer is the greatest.

-Not this dog.

Hacker! It's on the internet,

the only shining beacon of truth in this crazy, deceptive world of ours.

Anyway, let's pull up the Pilbury Post sports pages.

"Pilbury United are in talks with football sensation, Carl Plummer.

"United is offering the player £100,000. The club's new chairman

"is holding a press open day to mark the occasion."

-Owwwww!

-Yes, I'm excited too, Hacker.

If young Plummer signs for United, we can win the cup.

Paws! Paws!

-No, my paws are trapped in the laptop.

-Sorry.

-Come along, Hacker.

Let's tell Max we're doing the story on this fast-footed man.

I'll put my beloved Pilbury United back on the front page!

Arrgghh!

-Hello, Max.

-Enough of this small talk. I need a sporting scoop.

I'll do a scoop on Carl Plummer. Pilbury United's my team.

I could get you a story like nobody else.

I want a story on another of your favourite sports.

-Cricket?

-No.

-Rugby?

-No.

-Tennis?

-No.

-Watching TV?

-Oi!

-Synchronised swimming.

-Synchronised swimming?! Dancing in water?!

-That's the one.

-It's Nicole Gold and Tanya Fish.

-Goldfish?!

OK. I am a professional and I will do what I'm told to do.

Have you got something in your eye?

Get synchronised and get over there. Digby...

-Don't mess this up.

-Yes, boss.

-See you, Max.

-Bye!

Hands up who wants to cover the Carl Plummer story.

The most exciting football story in Pilbury since...

the time the stadium had a two for one pasty offer.

And hands up those who want to cover the synchronised swimming scoop.

That's settled it. We're going to the Pilbury United press conference.

Max won't know. Let's go.

HACKER BREAKS WIND

-Hacker!

-It's all that muesli.

-You didn't have any.

-It's usually muesli.

I'm Hamish McGaffer for those who have just beamed down from Pluto.

And as manager, may I say that I hope Carl Plummer

will soon be joining us.

The proposed signing-on fee proves Pilbury United's ambition

under its new chairman.

Thanks, Hamish. I mean... Mr McGaffer, sir.

I'm sure I will be very happy here. It's a great opportunity.

You'll get your money on the pitch, son, when I see what you're worth.

Carl will be showcasing his football skills later on but right now,

he'll take questions from you, the lovely press.

Uh-oh.

DIGBY CLEARS HIS THROAT

Digby D Digworth, Pilbury Post.

What colour pants do you wear?

You're from the Post, not the Beano!

-I can't wait for your next question. What's his favourite crisp?!

-Yeah.

How can he see my questions from there?

OK, OK, I think that's enough intellectual interrogation for now.

Our new chairman has arranged an open day for you press people.

An open day. Do you know what this means?

We get to see the kitchen bins and eat scraps?

Yeah. But apart from that, it means we get access to all areas.

I can get the unique Digworth angle on this story.

I booked you in with the club physiotherapist.

A massage will prepare you for the pitch, in front of this rabble.

-That's great, Mr McGaffer. Just great.

-Come on.

Now, Hacker, we must keep an eye on Carl Plummer at all times.

Where'd he go?

Well, he can't have gone far. Come on, Hacker.

Oh, look, they're giving away footballs.

33, 34, 35...

WOMAN SCREAMS

..37, 38, 39...

30/10, 30/11, 30/12, 30/14, 30/15, 30/16, 30/17, 30/18...

The football sensation's vanished. What do we do now?

-Go for goal!

-Hacker, we're here to work.

Be easier to control if it was square, don't you think, Hacker?

Too right. I can't believe how well this scam is coming together.

All I've got to do is get through this afternoon, grab the money...

-It's Carl Plummer.

-Shhh!

..and then come see you at the airport.

It's amazing what you can achieve

with a fake football movie and the internet. OK, later.

Come on, Carl. You can do this.

He's an online fraud.

-Surprise, surprise, Digby.

-This is very, very bad, Hacker.

But strangely, very, very good.

We have got ourselves a red hot scoop, my furry-footed friend.

When we expose Carl as a footballing fake, we'll be scoops too.

Heroes. We'd have stopped Carl from running off with United's money.

-We'll get free tickets to the Pilbury games.

-What about free pies?

-With chips!

-I'm in. Let's tell McGaffer.

Argh!

You ought to ask more tough questions, gentlemen.

We've got inside information you'll be very interested in.

Do you think I'd believe the gossip from two jokers who work

in a rag of a newspaper I wouldn't put in my cat's litter tray?

You've got a cat? Grrrr!

HE SQUEALS LIKE A CAT

-Come here, Hacker.

-Hold me.

Mr Digworth.

The day I believe what comes out of a journalist's mouth, particularly

one from the Post, is the day you will score a goal for Pilbury.

Oh look, Mr Digworth! A flying pig.

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

Pilbury United's fate depends on us. We must prove to Hamish

-that you can trust a man from the Post.

-And dog.

We're going to go in there and get a confession. Stay close, Hacker.

-Put him under pressure.

-As always.

-Morning.

-No.

DIGBY COUGHS

-DEEPER VOICE:

-Morning.

-Lower.

HE COUGHS

-VERY DEEP VOICE:

-Morning.

-Bull's-eye.

-Face down on the massage table, please.

-No problems.

No, no, no. You can keep your shorts on.

-Is this OK?

-Just where we want you.

We'll have you warmed up in no time and out onto that pitch

-so you can show everyone your silky skills.

-Yeah.

-You do have silky skills?

-Course! You've seen the video.

I certainly have seen the video that I thought would bring success

to the club that I love and have supported since I was a kid!

It's an honour to play for Pilbury United.

You don't know how lucky you are. I'd do it for free.

-It's a bit hard there, mate.

-Not hard enough!

CRUNCHING

PHONE RINGS

-It's Max. You carry on.

-OK.

Ah, Digby, what's the story with our synchronised swimmers?

BOING, BOING, CRUNCH!

Yeah, um. Sorry, Max. Bad reception by the pool.

-DIGBY MIMICS STATIC

-Digworth!

-You're breaking up, Max.

-Digworth!

You're up to something!

Owww!

Well done, Hacker.

Max doesn't suspect anything.

So, Carl, planning any foreign holidays with all that money?

Flying off to the sun, perhaps?

No. Ouch! I'm devoting all my time to playing.

-Ouch!

-Right, Hacker.

Now is the time to confront him with the truth and watch him squeal.

Hacker? Oh, no, Hacker, not now. Don't go to your happy place.

Hacker! Hacker!

-# He's the number one dog

-Do you mean me?

-# Making all the right moves

-I'm a VIP

-# When the going gets rough

-I have a cup of tea

-# H-A-C-K-E-R.

-Hacker

-# When he hits the floor

-You're gonna beg for more

-# Looks so divine

-I'm the key to the night

-# Can stretch with ease

-I got showbiz fleas

# And when I see a tree, I go pee!

-# Top dog!

-Top dog!

-Top dog!

-That's me

# He's the coolest of the canines. #

Ow-w-w-w!

-# Top dog!

-Ah ha

-# Top dog!

-Say it, girls

-# He's the coolest of the canines

-Stop! Digby time!

# He's Hacker, not a slacker # I'm his number one backer

# He's the salt to my pepper He's the cheese on my cracker

# When I'm running, he takes the flak Though he often has it back

# It's important More yapper

# Come on, shake your maracas! #

Arrgghh!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!

# Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker! #

Hacker, snap out of it quick smart!

I came to tell you, Carl, that your physiotherapist

is delayed but see you've already had treatment.

-This open day is getting a bit out of hand, don't you think?

-What?

Are you those reporters?

Digby D Digworth, Pilbury Post and my assistant, Hacker T Dog.

-And we will...

-Let us carry on with our business. That's what you'll do.

-You don't understand, Hamish. He's...

-Digby, Digby, Digby!

I understand all to well about scheming little journalists

that try to eek out a living by printing lies and smears.

Carl, I think it's time you showed us your talent on the pitch.

-Oh, great.

-Nothing wrong is there, laddie?

Um, no, fine.

Let's get you outside and see if you can earn that signing-on fee.

Growwwwl!

Hacker, this is the biggest story of our lives.

-Bigger than the world's biggest bone?

-Much bigger!

-Hmmm, bones.

-Focus!

And what if this is the worst plan in the history of plans?

I've got a good feeling about this one.

It's a simple plan but it's genius. Have you got the bag? Good boy.

Take the money from Hamish's briefcase and put it in the bag.

I distract Hamish and Carl with my footwork. The money's safe

-and we expose Carl the conman.

-That's brilliant. Tell me that again.

Put Hamish in the briefcase. The money distracts Carl.

The bag's safe and I'm a conman. What could go wrong?

CAMERA WHIRRS

PHOTOGRAPHERS: Carl, this way! Over here, Carl!

Let's have you this way. That's great.

Well, look who it is! Let me guess. This is all part of the open day.

An insider's view of the club, Hamish.

I love this football club.

Right, start with a game of attackers versus defenders.

Carl, you're on attack with Digworth here.

Hacker, Hacker!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Get stuck in, Carl. I want to see you earn that signing-on fee.

Just remember, the money's still in the case. On you go!

Sorry, Hacker!

-I'll put that display down to nerves, Carl.

-That was skill!

How is it skilful to tackle the ball from someone on your own side?

-Oh, yeah.

-No worries.

-Why isn't the money in the bag?

-Not enough distraction.

-You've got to keep the ball on the other side of the pitch.

-OK.

Do you know what, Hacker? I've dreamt about this day my whole life.

Being on Pilbury United's pitch. Soft, green grass under my feet.

The stands full of roaring, cheering crowds.

Focus! Digby, focus!

-This is about getting a story!

-You're right.

-And a front page story at that!

-Yep.

-Good boy.

Come on, Carl. Show us all how it should be done.

Come on, Carl. You can do this. Come on.

So, Carl. Made any good movies lately?

Any I might have seen online?

Oh! Ow!

-Owww!

-Digworth!

I didn't touch him.

-Ow!

-Bring on the first aid.

Oh, budgies.

Oh, me leg. He took a real whack at me, Mr McGaffer, sir.

-Is the case empty yet?

-No, I need more distraction.

Take five minutes out.

You sort the money and I'll expose our footballing fraud

but we must keep a close eye on him.

Less chat and more play, Digworth!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hey! What you doing?

Digby! Digby!

CROWD CHEERS

Ha-ha! Yes! Woo-hoo! I've done it.

I've scored for Pilbury United! Look up, Mr McGaffer, sir. Oink, Oink!

Is that Sue Barker?!

Sue Barker, it's been such a long ti... No, you're not having that!

Get off! No, get off me! Digby!

CROWD CHEERS

No! Get off me!

-ELVIS ACCENT:

-Uh huh, thank you very much. Yes!

Digby! He's taken the money! Digby!

Yes! No, No!

Digby! Digby!

I'm coming, Hacker! Well done, you did it!

You two, stop him getting away with all that money!

Hamish, you'll like this. Our very clever plan.

We found out that Carl Plummer was a big internet con

with his fake football video and he has just -

and this is genius - he has just run off with an empty briefcase.

-Uh, Digby...

-Hacker put the money from this case into this bag

while I distracted Carl with my football skills.

I didn't empty the case.

I'd never let someone take £100,000 from Pilbury United, no sir...

Excuse me. We had a plan. I distract Carl. You put the money in the bag.

You were supposed to distract Carl on the pitch. Not get him sent off!

I didn't touch him.

-Well, hand over the bag, then.

-What bag?

Let me get this straight. This bag is empty, which means...

Carl Plummer has got away with a briefcase that contains £100,000.

Ah. "Playing a blinder.

"Carl Plumber's a fake but he's £100,000 richer

"thanks to reporter's disastrous intervention."

Digby Digworrtthh!

Digby, this way! Digby!

# S-C-O-O-P. #