Ears Everywhere Secret Life of Boys

Breakfast.

Oh, breakfast!

All you kids do is stare at your phones all day.

I mean, Matt, whatever happened to you finding a job to support yourself at uni?

I just don't see myself as a waiter or working in a shop.

I'm more of an ideas man.

Ideas-Man, away!

Well, here's an idea - put your phone down and get a job.

I've seen The Apprentice.

I can come up with my own business.

Chris! Stop picking your nose!

Get your finger out of there.

I'm a grown-up and I can pick my nose if I want.

-And it's Christopher.

-Well, Christopher, if you keep on,

you'll put chickenpox in your nose.

Is that what you want?

Why don't you come in and stop me?

We've been through this.

None of the rest of us have had chickenpox and we don't want it.

You need to stay in your room.

Then, I guess I'll keep picking.

La-la-la. How did you find out, anyway?

Erm...

A mother knows things.

As our metabolisms slow down, our psychic powers increase.

It is known as the motherhood trade-off.

Ginger, got you something.

The new Shadow Trappers book.

Wow! You really do know everything.

OK, what's going on?

You're never this good.

Meet Teddy-Cam.

Corey! You're spying on them.

Things are super-weird right now, Dad.

Aunt Corey's psychic powers have gone from good to amazeballs.

Please tell me you didn't put a camera in our kitchen.

No, it's a teddy bear.

It just happens to have a camera inside it.

Turns out I'm great with computers.

Watch.

Oh.

Anyway, none of these kids are talking to me.

They've all got their little faces buried in their phones.

Chris is a little grown-up, Ginger has boys over,

I have no idea what's going on, and

one of my beers went missing.

What?

-Are you saying one of the kids took it?

-Yeah.

I still don't know who took my beer,

but I found out so many other interesting things.

Chris's chickenpox, Ginger finished her book.

And did you know that Robin doesn't like cheesecake any more?

It's just one camera.

It's just two cameras.

Try it. See how you feel.

This is the worst thing you have done, ever.

This is the most amazing thing you have done, ever.

I thought this would be easier.

Maybe if I eat the sandwich, I'll be able to concentrate.

Don't tell me.

There's something different.

Do you like my suit? I'm going flying today.

Call me Gin-vincible.

Ha.

-No.

-Robbie said it will work.

-Come watch.

-Can't.

I'm busy working on this.

Can Gin-vincible save us from the evil in the garden?

It prowls at night, strikes fear in the hearts of man.

The supervillain known as Neighbour's Cat.

Ginger, no!

GINGER SCREAMS

Rebel Alliance meeting, now.

Crisis averted.

So lucky I got to Ginger in time.

It wasn't luck, it was Teddy-Cam.

Imagine they plan something really dangerous

and we don't hear about it.

That's why we need this.

A talking toilet seat.

What? No, I bought that yesterday.

I fell in twice last week.

No, I meant these.

More cameras?

We have a problem. First, Mum finds out

I don't like cheesecake any more.

And Dad turns up seconds before Ginger takes flight.

Question - how do they know so much?

Answer...

-We have a mole.

-Could be a shrew - equally common.

No, not that kind of mole, the undercover kind.

One of you...

..are a spy reporting back to Mum and Dad.

Oh, really?

-No.

-They didn't.

-It could just be a coincidence.

-That's something a mole would say.

I'm not the mole! Maybe you are.

How can I be the mole if I'm the one who found out we had a mole?

A good plan to take us off track.

-Well, I wouldn't trust any of you.

-So none of us trust any of us.

So it's been like this for two days.

Ethan, Robbie and I are going crazy.

I miss the way things used to be.

This is so much better than it used to be.

Now we can truly understand our children.

There's a hole in my trainers!

Time to go to work.

Hole in your shoe? How about a girls' day?

We can get new trainers, hang out, talk.

Talk? I don't talk.

Why would I talk? That's not something I would do.

Why did Mum want a girls' day out?

So she can have an update from her mole?

No, because I'm not the mole!

Then why didn't you say yes if you've got nothing to hide?

Because, I don't know, I didn't say yes because...

She'll want to talk about feelings and stuff.

She's always doing that. You know how she is.

What do you think she means?

That you always talk about feelings and stuff.

It wasn't laden with subtext.

But I always thought that was a nice thing,

that Ginger and I had a special bond.

Our bond is so special.

You're totes imagining this.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, well, now she's definitely going to be in that book

I'm going to write about parenting.

What? I'm not writing it now.

Guys, come here a sec. I was trying to think of a business and I kept

thinking about food. And then I realised the idea is food.

Feel free to applaud.

No? It will come.

You're really into this.

Maybe too into this.

It's suspicious.

You'll never break me.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-If you won't talk to me,

then perhaps you will talk

to my friend, Flopsy.

Spill it! You've been telling Mum and Dad our secrets, haven't you?

What? I don't care about your secrets.

And why would I tell Mum and Dad?

I've been busy. Check these out.

Welcome to the future.

An awe-inspiring combination of bacon and cookie.

The ba-cookie, or the pig-scuit.

I'm still figuring it out. A little taste of heaven.

THEY RETCH

What? They have to taste good.

I've already picked out my first yacht. It has a helipad.

The bacon's not even cooked.

Good feedback. I need flame, to flame-cook the bacon.

Flame-cooking's big right now.

They all flame - Heston, Jamie, Gordon.

All about the flames.

Just putting out the flames...

..of a fire that's non-existent.

Shouldn't you guys be getting dry?

Why are we here?

This is the only place we're safe.

Anyone noticed that new teddy in the kitchen?

Looks like the kind that parents use to spy on nannies.

Mum tried to put out a fire that didn't exist.

She knew way too soon for any mole.

Wait, you don't mean they're spying on us?

Yeah. They're watching our every move.

That's so dishonest.

Don't worry, I've got a plan.

This app that connects our cameras to our phone is the best.

Totally. But my eyes ache.

And my back aches. I think I've got scurvy.

Scurvy. Yeah.

About that thing that Ginger said.

Are you still thinking about that?

Look, maybe it's a sign that we need to stop.

-Has any more of your beer gone missing?

-No.

But we still haven't found the spoon thief.

I haven't seen a spoon in days.

Matt has been using a crayon to stir his cookie dough.

Yeah, but spoons are basically like socks -

they lose themselves.

Please tell me you brought a map.

You sure you want to stop?

MATT FARTS

HE LAUGHS

Scratch that! This is brilliant.

'Ginger, we have to find all their cameras.

'How's the garden looking?'

Hey, hey!

-What are you up to?

-Oh, nothing, just hanging, picking daisies.

Looking at this plant pot.

It's a good one. Nice piece of tinnery.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, just hanging, like you.

I don't want to talk about feelings or anything, I'm chill.

Probably just look at the bees.

That's nice.

Man, not going to work.

Too much bacon grease.

RINGING

Ginger! Ginger, your dad's calling.

Hey, Uncle David. Sorry, I don't know where Ginger is.

Do you want me to find her?

'No, that's all right, Matt. I'll catch up with her later.

'How are you?'

Actually, can I pick your brain about something?

I can't talk to anyone here.

No luck doing Garden-Cam.

Aunt Corey interrupted.

Dad interrupted me in the hallway as well.

I have a way to get rid of them.

You've...

You've got a piece of...

You've missed a bit.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

Just...

That's it.

Wait, zoom in on Garden-Cam.

I'm off for a swim.

Lala-la-lala.

I'm off for a swim. Me by myself.

-I'm off for a swim.

-Swim?

Is he going to the pond?

Right, we've got them out the way.

But we need to act fast.

Ginger would love this.

It's both impressive and creepy.

Right, now all their cameras can see are empty rooms.

So it's time for stage two.

They're watching us?

We'll watch them.

YELLING AND SPLASHING

That'll be Mum and Dad. Time to move.

Well, if he's not at the pond, then where is he?

Switch to cushion-cam.

Look, he's there.

Are you sure we saw him outside?

We have had an awful lot of sugar.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Right, where are the kids? This is probably one of their pranks.

I bet they're in their secret room. We need to get a camera in there.

Now, that is going too far.

Is it? Or is it chapter five of my book on observational parenting?

Subheading - The Parenting Gets Real.

So let me get this right.

The plan is I distract the kids for 15 minutes?

Minimum. Then I can break into their secret room and plant mini-Bob.

Oh, I'm still not sure about this.

I am. I didn't take almost one full aerial silk class for nothing.

Behold, the Dancing Mantis.

Oh, no!

Awesome. Check it out.

Why's Mum dressed like that?

Well, if you'll be quiet, we'll find out.

I'm not sure Ginger likes me any more.

Acting chill didn't help.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, we've got things to do.

Aunt Corey thinks I don't like her, but I do like her a lot.

I have to tell her that I like her

without letting on that I know that she thinks I don't like her.

Hey, I was just coming to get you guys.

We need to have a family meeting about something really urgent.

Yeah?

Wait, we're having a meeting about the toilet seat?

Corey's already fallen in twice.

Fine, we'll start with Robbie.

Think back to your last wee.

What exactly happened?

And you can be as detailed as you like.

Aerial silk and...

Oh, no!

And then I flushed.

Well, it's quite possible we may never get to the bottom of this,

but, hey, it's only a toilet seat.

Oh, then I'm out of here.

How am I meant to fix things with Ginger if this stupid Gnome-Cam

isn't working?

Oh, wait, there it goes.

We are live in the secret room.

Oh, sweet.

They're not there.

Mm. They've been so elusive lately.

Let's try Hallway-Cam.

Maybe Plant-Pot-Cam.

Hmm.

They're not doing anything.

No!

Sorry. Not a good one.

Hang on.

-Who's that?

-Bob, there's a stranger in our garden.

Next.

That'll be £1.50, please.

Let me wrap one of these bad boys up.

Here you are. Oh, complimentary crayon.

Next!

Matt, there's a weirdo outside your window.

Relax! There's loads of weirdos outside my window.

Sorry, not you, you're cool.

What are all these people doing here?

Buying pig-scuits. Told you I'm an ideas man.

Yeah, but running a business out of your bedroom window is not legal.

Maybe you'll feel different if you try one.

Well, I will try one, because, well, I love bacon and cookies,

and the combination of the two is probably magical.

But you are still in big trouble.

-How did you know, anyway?

-Yeah, Aunt Corey, how did you know?

A mum knows things.

Seriously? You're still going with the whole motherhood trade-off line?

Well, you all came, too. How did you know?

It's... It's cos I'm Australian and Australians just know things.

It's called the Australian trade-off.

I can't believe her. She's so stubborn.

Why can't she just admit...?

Wait.

That gnome.

No way.

Whoa! Why are you hurting that gnome?

What did it ever do to you?

Have you ever seen it before?

Don't tell me they've put a camera in here.

It's called the secret room for a reason.

Is there anything sacred any more?

We're ending this now.

Fetch crayons.

Corey, we've gone too far.

I thought this was observational parenting, but it's not, is it?

We've just been spying.

Hey, at least we've learned something.

Yeah, we can trust them.

Let's get the cameras down.

I'm just happy we've figured this out before they found out.

Or did we?

What have you got to say for yourselves?

What have you got to say for yourselves?

We're really sorry and it won't happen again?

Are these all the cameras?

-Yes.

-Promise.

-Are you sure?

-I HAVE got one in my boot for emergencies.

I'm holding onto one for sentimental reasons.

Hand them over.

What have you guys learned?

-It'll never happen again.

-Don't get caught.

Really? Here's what you should have learned.

If you want to know what's going on with us, just ask.

Do you want this place to feel like a prison?

No, you don't.

You want us to feel at home.

-You're not monsters.

-It'll never happen again.

-I'm so sorry.

-Aunt Corey.

-Yeah?

I like our talks.

What I say to the boys is what I say to the boys.

-It's different.

-Me too.

Me and my mum used to have the best talks and, until you came along,

I never thought I'd have them again.

Oh.

OK, well, in the spirit of girlie talks, why did you spy on us?

One of my beers went missing, one I was saving for a special occasion.

Aunt Corey, you drank it.

I saw you.

SHE SNORES

I'm a sleep drinker?

I wonder what else I do in my sleep.

I can't believe I proved myself to be the world's best entrepreneur

and I have to stop.

Just cos it's illegal.

-How much did you get?

-Like, £26.

-That's loads.

-I know. I can taste the helipad.

Well, I'm kind of glad you're not doing it any more, because,

say you did go to one of them unis that's far away, we wouldn't get to,

you know... I mean, I'm sure you'll get into one that is closer,

cos you're really smart, but...

But, just in case, you're right.

For the rest of the summer, it's all about us.

Cool.