Happy Both-Day Secret Life of Boys

Hey, Dad. Why is it that birthdays always make me think of surprises?

Could be it's cos they're full of them.

"Hoppy bathday"?

Maybe it's the brightly wrapped gifts,

or that some people like to make the day more memorable than others.

OK, listen up.

Grab old eggs, milk, anything we can't eat any more.

The smellier the better.

Oh, no. The cake!

Well, we can't eat that any more!

Oh, no. No, not this tradition again!

We can't have a birthday without a birthday blowout.

And it's Matt and Chris' birthday today.

Part-ay of the year!

No!

CUCKOO!

Whoo! Your granny's clock nearly got the chop.

But super Bob saved it!

Oh, my hero. I love that clock.

It's so cool that Matt and Chris get to share the same birthday.

Isn't it? Matt actually thought that Chris WAS his birthday present

for a while. It's given them a truly special bond.

-Muppet!

-Moron!

-Mud breath.

-Mud breath?

-Very mature.

-He used all my shaving foam.

But he doesn't have any facial hair.

Not any more. Smooth as a baby.

I didn't really use Matt's shaving cream to shave.

I'm not that old to grow whiskers.

But I AM old enough to make THIS.

It's a foamasaurus.

Roar!

Look, your joint birthday party starts in T minus six hours,

so you'd better work this out before then.

Um. I was going to head into town with a few mates instead.

I mean, I am 18 now.

THEY LAUGH

That's never going to happen!

Never going to happen!

-SQUEAKY VOICES:

-# Never gonna happen

# Gonna happen

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Never gonna happen

# Gonna happen

# No, no, no, no, no! #

But I'm officially 18!

Which is why you need to go to the treehouse

and sort this out in a mature and sensible fashion.

With a game of rotten tomato ping-pong!

Maybe if you let Matt win, he'll give you another Matty medal.

They're for kids, Mum.

Oh, Bob, can you go and get the other three cakes?

I thought you had them. Those are the only ones in the kitchen.

Who would want to eat three cakes?

-BOTH:

-Matt!

I have absolutely no idea what you're saying.

I think Matt's in the treehouse.

Go and knock on the door.

BOTH: Happy birthday blowout!

Get in! We totally got...

Dad?

-Where's Matt?

-I wish I knew.

Because then he'd be covered in this instead of me.

Look, sorry, Dad. You were just the wrong guy at the wrong place.

Still, pretty funny, though.

Come here!

TINKLING, SMASH

This used to be such a happy day.

They loved sharing a birthday.

Growing up too fast.

True. You know, not one round of rotten tomato ping-pong

or onion tennis.

-Do you think we should tell them?

-No, definitely not.

Well, maybe Matt and Chris have a right to know

that they weren't actually born on the same day.

GASP

It's supposed to be Matt and Chris' birthday today, Dad.

But it turns out, Chris was born at 11pm,

one hour before Matt's birthday.

Obviously, Aunt Corey swore me to absolute,

complete and total secrecy.

Matt and Chris weren't born on the same day!

Wait, did you say Matt and Chris weren't born on the same day?

'How did you find that out?'

I...um...

overheard you in your room.

You should really keep the volume down.

But I was speaking super quietly.

Why would I shout about Matt and Chris

not really sharing the same birthday?

What's that about me and Chris not sharing the same birthday?

You're like a foghorn.

FOGHORN SOUNDS

And then on top of the uber cool six-foot snake tank,

I'd buy him his very own comic shop.

Oh, that's lovely.

Pity it isn't Ethan's birthday.

It's Chris and Matt's.

So you say...

You told them?

No, Ethan said he overheard me, but that's impossible.

So, is it true?

We love birthday blowouts.

We've hidden them all around the house.

It all started as an accident.

Dad was making Mum a birthday smoothie.

But he left the top off the blender,

and the legend of the birthday blowout was born.

Well, at least that's what they think.

We MAY have had something to do with the top bit going missing.

Right, enough!

Out of this house right now!

I know that it was you who took the cakes that your dad bought earlier.

And loads of stuff's gone missing from the fridge this week

-all for this stupid blowout!

-We didn't touch the cake!

-Get out!

-But we need something to do, you can't just kick us out!

Trust me, boys. You should leave, and quickly.

Look, why don't you try out the new...?

Oh, my gosh!

Bungee Jumping Centre at the bridge.

-BOTH:

-No.

Zombie Zumba.

-BOTH:

-No.

Alien Meet And Greet at the church.

-BOTH:

-No.

There's a dead goat at the old barn.

-BOTH:

-Awesome!

I've been thinking of what we need for the Great Goat Hunt.

So far, I've come up with a compass, a map...

It's to tickle the goat's nose.

To see if it's still alive.

OK.

You can't go on a Great Goat Hunt without the right gear.

For the goat. They have really bad breath.

To check if it's a goat, not a donkey.

You might be wondering

where I got such a perfect goat-hunting jacket from.

Penny made it, so I guess she does have her uses.

You lied to us, Mum.

Now that is not true.

It was just an hour, OK?

Matt, you were so excited.

You really wanted your little brother

to be born on the same day as you.

I was nine! I also wanted a dog that pooped chocolate!

I need some time to process this.

Yeah, in town with your mates, no doubt.

We don't share a birthday now anyway, so why have a joint party?

Let Chris enjoy his own, for once.

So was my birthday really yesterday?

You stole my birthday, Mum!

Doesn't mean we can't party today.

Yes, it does!

'Tis true, Master Chrisabo.

That does not mean we cannot party like an Orc today!

Be silent.

It's OK. I'm an adult now.

I'm getting used to the disappointment.

Aunt Corey, this wasn't my fault,

but I promise I'll get to the bottom of it.

You do know how to knock, right?

Is there any way to change your mind about the party?

I want to make things right for...

Wait, is that Aunt Corey's food?

That's all the food that went missing from the kitchen!

I was...hungry?

Long journey ahead. By the way, have you seen my jellybeans?

Long journey? Wait, are you running away?

Of course I'm not running away, Ginger.

Why would I do that?

-I get free food here.

-But you can't be that hungry.

Look, if you must know, I am going to an underground cooking club.

It's not for the faint-hearted.

Wow. But you'll be back in time for the party, right?

Chris doesn't want a party.

Oh, he's just saying that!

It's all part of his "I'm a grown-up" act.

Look, I'll come to the party as long as Chris does, OK?

Oh, you forgetting something?

Ah. My lucky griddle.

Thanks, Ginger.

You know Mum and Dad lied about Matt and Chris's birthday?

Do you reckon they've got other secrets?

Maybe they're spies.

Or vampires! Or latex-faced aliens from the planet Zog B61.

Argh!

Maybe. Or maybe you've had enough of the fizzy stuff.

Besides, we all have secrets.

I don't. Do you?

No, obviously.

If we go left, then right, then left again,

we should find the old barn and the dead goat!

Or you could just turn around.

Like I said, straight ahead.

Ethan.

Do you mind being different?

How am I different?

Right. Your T-shirt says...

Oh, that. Weird is the new normal.

People think I'm weird.

And I like that. I put a lot of work into it.

If you want to get fit, you exercise.

If you want to get weird, you weirdicise.

Is that weird? It is, isn't it?

Get in!

Now, the goat should be just around...

-BOTH:

-Argh!

Hey, Chris. What you reading?

Never too early to plan your retirement.

Retirement is very serious.

It's all about saving enough for the future.

I'm saving my bonbons.

I'm also saving Mum's chocolates, Dad's mints and Matt,

Robbie and Ethan's jellybeans.

They don't know that yet.

The only problem is, can't stop eating my portfolio.

Right. Talking of planning,

your mum and dad have put so much effort into the party,

-you've got to come.

-Oh, Ginger.

Feeling guilty, are we?

About exposing mother's lies?

I didn't expose anything!

And I'm going to prove to you all that I didn't.

SHE SIGHS

Somehow. Just like how I'm going to get you to the party.

Parties are for children.

Are you crazy? Parties are for everyone, they're so much fun!

There's the candle-blowing, the games.

And who can resist a dragon pinata?

HE SIGHS

What kind of child doesn't like party games,

or can turn down all of this?

The kind who plans early retirement.

Really? Maybe I should get him to look at my pension plan.

Hang on, I've had an idea.

Chris isn't interested in having a kid's party,

so we'll throw him a grown-up one instead.

But won't that be really boring?

Exactly.

This isn't a goat.

The last time I saw a goat, it was on a farm.

And it was happy.

And fluffy.

And it said, "Baa".

Don't think he's going to be saying baa any time soon.

Oh, man. Don't.

We should hold a memorial for Mr Goat.

A memorial?

HEROIC MUSIC

Yeah. I can roll with that.

After we've buried him.

MUSIC STOPS

This is going to take forever.

Matt's griddle? That's weird.

Been shopping?

What? Hey, Penny.

Yeah. All part of my plan to get Chris

into the whole double party idea.

Oh, sweet!

I have a secret bag, too.

It's full of wedding plans, pictures of my dress, the venue, the cake.

Oh, and lots of things to keep Ethan busy during our wedding.

A snake manual, bug books, chocolate...

Wait. Did you say bugs?

Penny, you're a genius! Brilliant!

Chris?

Christopher? Can you come here a sec?

We thought, being as you're all grown up now

you might enjoy a more mature party.

Blue-cheese parcel, Sir?

Or perhaps a little lobster?

-LOBSTER:

-Who are you calling little?

Arghhh!

Oh, no, you don't actually...

That's pure fungus-riddled cheese for him to find disgusting.

That is dee-licious!

And is this smooth jazz?

I adore smooth jazz!

You might wonder how someone as young as me knows their jazz.

Legends like Billie Holliday, heroes like Mildred Bailey.

I know my stuff because I'm cool,

I'm cultured, and my brothers secretly like it, too.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

This is how Ethan found out about Matt and Chris.

Penny mentioned bugs, which made me think about bugging devices.

So I did a little search, and boom.

Listening bug in my pencil sharpener.

Shh! I'm a listening bug.

I'm listening.

-CROW CAWS

-What was that?

Ethan is toast.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

What, that we buried a goat,

you sang three verses of Kumbaya

and christened him Graham the Goat?

No, that I cried.

Oh, no.

Don't worry about it.

While we're on the subject of secrets...

..I took a test before we broke up from school,

and it turns out I have a learning impairment.

Mum and Dad know, but no-one else.

-Yet.

-Really?

What's wrong with you?

It's called dysgraphia, and it means I have trouble...

-Drawing graphs.

-..writing.

I have to take special classes when I get back to school.

I'm worried people will think I'm different.

So what you're not good at writing?

You build cool gadgets and giant ramps, and birthday blowouts.

Being different makes you amazing.

I guess that's it, then.

I'll never have a double birthday for my boys ever again.

Actually, that's not true.

There is something I need to tell you.

And it'll change everything.

So, how's the dead goat?

Jamie up the road took a selfie with it!

That just shows what an idiot Jamie is, and it's Graham the Goat to you.

-SOBBING:

-He was a top bloke.

The best of the best.

It was quite an intense experience.

You had to be there.

Matt and Chris WERE born on the same day.

What?

What I've been trying to tell you is that...

..just before Chris was born...

..I accidentally knocked over your grandma's clock.

It didn't smash, but it did start running an hour slow,

so when you wanted to tell the boys that they were born on the same day,

I went along with it. A, because it was true,

and B, because it meant I didn't have to tell you

that I'd broken your grandma's clock.

But it's telling the right time now.

Because I change it when you're not looking.

I've done it every day for nine years.

You are utterly...

amazing. And bonkers.

And brilliant! I love you.

We forgot to mention the best part about parties.

The presents!

But sorry, the thing is,

only kids who have a kids' party get the presents.

Guess I don't get presents, then.

Family meeting! Kitchen, now!

GOAT BLEATS

'Can I tell you a secret?'

Ginger's dad won the lottery,

and he's flying here in a private jet

to buy us a mansion and a monster truck!

Oh, really?

Oh, no.

You see, he's been bugging my conversations.

I never told anyone about Matt and Chris's birthday.

Ethan. All the bugging equipment was supposed to have been handed in.

Why would you do that?

She's just more interesting than the rest of you.

Oh, well, that's very sweet.

And very wrong.

Ginger, I hope that Ethan doing your chores for the next month

-will make up for it.

-No way!

Way.

Hang on. A private jet and a monster truck?

You bought that? Muppet.

Any idea when Matt's back from seeing his friends?

Someone looking for their 18-year-old son?

-Hey!

-Great.

Well, now that we're all here,

you'll be pleased to know that

someone else has been keeping a secret.

What? No, I haven't.

That's... Talking about your dad.

-What about my dad?

-I do have something I need to tell you.

Matt, Chris.

You WERE born on the same day.

-Yay!

-Turns out grandma's clock was running an hour slow that day.

-Yay!

-No way, that's awesome!

But I thought you wanted to spend your birthday with your mates.

Nah. Nothing beats a birthday bash with my little bro.

Which is why I've made you an amazing Matty medal.

-KID brother?

-Yeah, because that's what you are.

And being a kid is the best thing ever!

I'd give anything to be one again.

Matty want lolly now!

I never want to grow up!

So you mean I don't have to eat that manky cheese any more?

Or read those boring magazines?

-No.

-Yay!

Hey, what is going on here?

It's my birthday and I'm a kid, so I get to open my presents.

Not only kids get presents.

Happy birthday, boys.

-ALL:

-Happy birthday!

This is awesome!

Cos life is precious and you've got to celebrate it when you can.

That's why birthdays rock.

Oh! Don't look at him like that.

He's right.

So, how was the underground cook-off?

What? Oh, yeah.

It's cool. Did really well.

Oh! Even though your lucky griddle was wedged in a bush outside.

Can I ask you something, Ginger?

Ever since you left Australia, have you ever felt...

I don't know, too far away from home?

Sometimes. Why do you ask?

Don't tell anyone, but I've been...

Nothing. Never mind.

I can't tell you how happy this...

SPLAT!

..makes me.

-Oops.

-We might have overloaded that one.

THEY LAUGH

Happy birthday!