Happy Both-Day Secret Life of Boys


Happy Both-Day

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Hey, Dad. Why is it that birthdays always make me think of surprises?

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Could be it's cos they're full of them.

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"Hoppy bathday"?

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Maybe it's the brightly wrapped gifts,

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or that some people like to make the day more memorable than others.

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OK, listen up.

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Grab old eggs, milk, anything we can't eat any more.

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The smellier the better.

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Oh, no. The cake!

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Well, we can't eat that any more!

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Oh, no. No, not this tradition again!

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We can't have a birthday without a birthday blowout.

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And it's Matt and Chris' birthday today.

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Part-ay of the year!

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No!

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CUCKOO!

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Whoo! Your granny's clock nearly got the chop.

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But super Bob saved it!

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Oh, my hero. I love that clock.

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It's so cool that Matt and Chris get to share the same birthday.

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Isn't it? Matt actually thought that Chris WAS his birthday present

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for a while. It's given them a truly special bond.

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-Muppet!

-Moron!

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-Mud breath.

-Mud breath?

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-Very mature.

-He used all my shaving foam.

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But he doesn't have any facial hair.

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Not any more. Smooth as a baby.

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I didn't really use Matt's shaving cream to shave.

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I'm not that old to grow whiskers.

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But I AM old enough to make THIS.

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It's a foamasaurus.

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Roar!

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Look, your joint birthday party starts in T minus six hours,

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so you'd better work this out before then.

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Um. I was going to head into town with a few mates instead.

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I mean, I am 18 now.

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THEY LAUGH

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That's never going to happen!

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Never going to happen!

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-SQUEAKY VOICES:

-# Never gonna happen

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# Gonna happen

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# La-la-la-la-la-la-la

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# Never gonna happen

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# Gonna happen

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# No, no, no, no, no! #

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But I'm officially 18!

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Which is why you need to go to the treehouse

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and sort this out in a mature and sensible fashion.

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With a game of rotten tomato ping-pong!

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Maybe if you let Matt win, he'll give you another Matty medal.

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They're for kids, Mum.

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Oh, Bob, can you go and get the other three cakes?

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I thought you had them. Those are the only ones in the kitchen.

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Who would want to eat three cakes?

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-BOTH:

-Matt!

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I have absolutely no idea what you're saying.

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I think Matt's in the treehouse.

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Go and knock on the door.

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BOTH: Happy birthday blowout!

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Get in! We totally got...

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Dad?

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-Where's Matt?

-I wish I knew.

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Because then he'd be covered in this instead of me.

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Look, sorry, Dad. You were just the wrong guy at the wrong place.

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Still, pretty funny, though.

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Come here!

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TINKLING, SMASH

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This used to be such a happy day.

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They loved sharing a birthday.

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Growing up too fast.

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True. You know, not one round of rotten tomato ping-pong

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or onion tennis.

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-Do you think we should tell them?

-No, definitely not.

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Well, maybe Matt and Chris have a right to know

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that they weren't actually born on the same day.

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GASP

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It's supposed to be Matt and Chris' birthday today, Dad.

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But it turns out, Chris was born at 11pm,

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one hour before Matt's birthday.

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Obviously, Aunt Corey swore me to absolute,

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complete and total secrecy.

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Matt and Chris weren't born on the same day!

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Wait, did you say Matt and Chris weren't born on the same day?

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'How did you find that out?'

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I...um...

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overheard you in your room.

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You should really keep the volume down.

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But I was speaking super quietly.

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Why would I shout about Matt and Chris

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not really sharing the same birthday?

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What's that about me and Chris not sharing the same birthday?

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You're like a foghorn.

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FOGHORN SOUNDS

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And then on top of the uber cool six-foot snake tank,

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I'd buy him his very own comic shop.

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Oh, that's lovely.

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Pity it isn't Ethan's birthday.

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It's Chris and Matt's.

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So you say...

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You told them?

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No, Ethan said he overheard me, but that's impossible.

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So, is it true?

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We love birthday blowouts.

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We've hidden them all around the house.

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It all started as an accident.

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Dad was making Mum a birthday smoothie.

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But he left the top off the blender,

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and the legend of the birthday blowout was born.

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Well, at least that's what they think.

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We MAY have had something to do with the top bit going missing.

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Right, enough!

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Out of this house right now!

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I know that it was you who took the cakes that your dad bought earlier.

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And loads of stuff's gone missing from the fridge this week

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-all for this stupid blowout!

-We didn't touch the cake!

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-Get out!

-But we need something to do, you can't just kick us out!

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Trust me, boys. You should leave, and quickly.

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Look, why don't you try out the new...?

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Oh, my gosh!

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Bungee Jumping Centre at the bridge.

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-BOTH:

-No.

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Zombie Zumba.

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-BOTH:

-No.

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Alien Meet And Greet at the church.

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-BOTH:

-No.

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There's a dead goat at the old barn.

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-BOTH:

-Awesome!

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I've been thinking of what we need for the Great Goat Hunt.

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So far, I've come up with a compass, a map...

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It's to tickle the goat's nose.

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To see if it's still alive.

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OK.

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You can't go on a Great Goat Hunt without the right gear.

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For the goat. They have really bad breath.

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To check if it's a goat, not a donkey.

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You might be wondering

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where I got such a perfect goat-hunting jacket from.

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Penny made it, so I guess she does have her uses.

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You lied to us, Mum.

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Now that is not true.

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It was just an hour, OK?

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Matt, you were so excited.

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You really wanted your little brother

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to be born on the same day as you.

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I was nine! I also wanted a dog that pooped chocolate!

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I need some time to process this.

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Yeah, in town with your mates, no doubt.

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We don't share a birthday now anyway, so why have a joint party?

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Let Chris enjoy his own, for once.

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So was my birthday really yesterday?

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You stole my birthday, Mum!

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Doesn't mean we can't party today.

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Yes, it does!

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'Tis true, Master Chrisabo.

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That does not mean we cannot party like an Orc today!

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Be silent.

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It's OK. I'm an adult now.

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I'm getting used to the disappointment.

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Aunt Corey, this wasn't my fault,

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but I promise I'll get to the bottom of it.

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You do know how to knock, right?

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Is there any way to change your mind about the party?

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I want to make things right for...

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Wait, is that Aunt Corey's food?

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That's all the food that went missing from the kitchen!

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I was...hungry?

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Long journey ahead. By the way, have you seen my jellybeans?

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Long journey? Wait, are you running away?

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Of course I'm not running away, Ginger.

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Why would I do that?

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-I get free food here.

-But you can't be that hungry.

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Look, if you must know, I am going to an underground cooking club.

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It's not for the faint-hearted.

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Wow. But you'll be back in time for the party, right?

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Chris doesn't want a party.

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Oh, he's just saying that!

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It's all part of his "I'm a grown-up" act.

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Look, I'll come to the party as long as Chris does, OK?

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Oh, you forgetting something?

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Ah. My lucky griddle.

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Thanks, Ginger.

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You know Mum and Dad lied about Matt and Chris's birthday?

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Do you reckon they've got other secrets?

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Maybe they're spies.

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Or vampires! Or latex-faced aliens from the planet Zog B61.

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Argh!

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Maybe. Or maybe you've had enough of the fizzy stuff.

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Besides, we all have secrets.

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I don't. Do you?

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No, obviously.

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If we go left, then right, then left again,

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we should find the old barn and the dead goat!

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Or you could just turn around.

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Like I said, straight ahead.

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Ethan.

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Do you mind being different?

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How am I different?

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Right. Your T-shirt says...

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Oh, that. Weird is the new normal.

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People think I'm weird.

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And I like that. I put a lot of work into it.

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If you want to get fit, you exercise.

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If you want to get weird, you weirdicise.

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Is that weird? It is, isn't it?

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Get in!

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Now, the goat should be just around...

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-BOTH:

-Argh!

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Hey, Chris. What you reading?

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Never too early to plan your retirement.

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Retirement is very serious.

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It's all about saving enough for the future.

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I'm saving my bonbons.

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I'm also saving Mum's chocolates, Dad's mints and Matt,

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Robbie and Ethan's jellybeans.

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They don't know that yet.

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The only problem is, can't stop eating my portfolio.

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Right. Talking of planning,

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your mum and dad have put so much effort into the party,

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-you've got to come.

-Oh, Ginger.

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Feeling guilty, are we?

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About exposing mother's lies?

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I didn't expose anything!

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And I'm going to prove to you all that I didn't.

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SHE SIGHS

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Somehow. Just like how I'm going to get you to the party.

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Parties are for children.

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Are you crazy? Parties are for everyone, they're so much fun!

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There's the candle-blowing, the games.

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And who can resist a dragon pinata?

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HE SIGHS

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What kind of child doesn't like party games,

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or can turn down all of this?

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The kind who plans early retirement.

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Really? Maybe I should get him to look at my pension plan.

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Hang on, I've had an idea.

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Chris isn't interested in having a kid's party,

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so we'll throw him a grown-up one instead.

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But won't that be really boring?

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Exactly.

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This isn't a goat.

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The last time I saw a goat, it was on a farm.

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And it was happy.

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And fluffy.

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And it said, "Baa".

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Don't think he's going to be saying baa any time soon.

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Oh, man. Don't.

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We should hold a memorial for Mr Goat.

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A memorial?

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HEROIC MUSIC

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Yeah. I can roll with that.

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After we've buried him.

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MUSIC STOPS

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This is going to take forever.

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Matt's griddle? That's weird.

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Been shopping?

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What? Hey, Penny.

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Yeah. All part of my plan to get Chris

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into the whole double party idea.

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Oh, sweet!

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I have a secret bag, too.

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It's full of wedding plans, pictures of my dress, the venue, the cake.

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Oh, and lots of things to keep Ethan busy during our wedding.

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A snake manual, bug books, chocolate...

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Wait. Did you say bugs?

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Penny, you're a genius! Brilliant!

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Chris?

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Christopher? Can you come here a sec?

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We thought, being as you're all grown up now

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you might enjoy a more mature party.

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Blue-cheese parcel, Sir?

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Or perhaps a little lobster?

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-LOBSTER:

-Who are you calling little?

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Arghhh!

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Oh, no, you don't actually...

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That's pure fungus-riddled cheese for him to find disgusting.

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That is dee-licious!

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And is this smooth jazz?

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I adore smooth jazz!

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You might wonder how someone as young as me knows their jazz.

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Legends like Billie Holliday, heroes like Mildred Bailey.

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I know my stuff because I'm cool,

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I'm cultured, and my brothers secretly like it, too.

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JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

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This is how Ethan found out about Matt and Chris.

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Penny mentioned bugs, which made me think about bugging devices.

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So I did a little search, and boom.

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Listening bug in my pencil sharpener.

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Shh! I'm a listening bug.

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I'm listening.

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-CROW CAWS

-What was that?

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Ethan is toast.

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You won't tell anyone, will you?

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What, that we buried a goat,

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you sang three verses of Kumbaya

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and christened him Graham the Goat?

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No, that I cried.

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Oh, no.

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Don't worry about it.

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While we're on the subject of secrets...

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..I took a test before we broke up from school,

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and it turns out I have a learning impairment.

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Mum and Dad know, but no-one else.

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-Yet.

-Really?

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What's wrong with you?

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It's called dysgraphia, and it means I have trouble...

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-Drawing graphs.

-..writing.

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I have to take special classes when I get back to school.

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I'm worried people will think I'm different.

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So what you're not good at writing?

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You build cool gadgets and giant ramps, and birthday blowouts.

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Being different makes you amazing.

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I guess that's it, then.

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I'll never have a double birthday for my boys ever again.

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Actually, that's not true.

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There is something I need to tell you.

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And it'll change everything.

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So, how's the dead goat?

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Jamie up the road took a selfie with it!

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That just shows what an idiot Jamie is, and it's Graham the Goat to you.

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-SOBBING:

-He was a top bloke.

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The best of the best.

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It was quite an intense experience.

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You had to be there.

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Matt and Chris WERE born on the same day.

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What?

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What I've been trying to tell you is that...

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..just before Chris was born...

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..I accidentally knocked over your grandma's clock.

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It didn't smash, but it did start running an hour slow,

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so when you wanted to tell the boys that they were born on the same day,

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I went along with it. A, because it was true,

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and B, because it meant I didn't have to tell you

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that I'd broken your grandma's clock.

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But it's telling the right time now.

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Because I change it when you're not looking.

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I've done it every day for nine years.

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You are utterly...

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amazing. And bonkers.

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And brilliant! I love you.

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We forgot to mention the best part about parties.

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The presents!

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But sorry, the thing is,

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only kids who have a kids' party get the presents.

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Guess I don't get presents, then.

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Family meeting! Kitchen, now!

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GOAT BLEATS

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'Can I tell you a secret?'

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Ginger's dad won the lottery,

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and he's flying here in a private jet

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to buy us a mansion and a monster truck!

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Oh, really?

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Oh, no.

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You see, he's been bugging my conversations.

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I never told anyone about Matt and Chris's birthday.

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Ethan. All the bugging equipment was supposed to have been handed in.

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Why would you do that?

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She's just more interesting than the rest of you.

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Oh, well, that's very sweet.

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And very wrong.

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Ginger, I hope that Ethan doing your chores for the next month

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-will make up for it.

-No way!

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Way.

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Hang on. A private jet and a monster truck?

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You bought that? Muppet.

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Any idea when Matt's back from seeing his friends?

0:19:150:19:17

Someone looking for their 18-year-old son?

0:19:170:19:19

-Hey!

-Great.

0:19:190:19:21

Well, now that we're all here,

0:19:210:19:22

you'll be pleased to know that

0:19:220:19:24

someone else has been keeping a secret.

0:19:240:19:25

What? No, I haven't.

0:19:250:19:27

That's... Talking about your dad.

0:19:270:19:29

-What about my dad?

-I do have something I need to tell you.

0:19:290:19:33

Matt, Chris.

0:19:330:19:34

You WERE born on the same day.

0:19:350:19:37

-Yay!

-Turns out grandma's clock was running an hour slow that day.

0:19:370:19:40

-Yay!

-No way, that's awesome!

0:19:400:19:42

But I thought you wanted to spend your birthday with your mates.

0:19:420:19:44

Nah. Nothing beats a birthday bash with my little bro.

0:19:440:19:47

Which is why I've made you an amazing Matty medal.

0:19:470:19:50

-KID brother?

-Yeah, because that's what you are.

0:19:500:19:53

And being a kid is the best thing ever!

0:19:530:19:55

I'd give anything to be one again.

0:19:550:19:58

Matty want lolly now!

0:19:580:19:59

I never want to grow up!

0:20:030:20:04

So you mean I don't have to eat that manky cheese any more?

0:20:050:20:09

Or read those boring magazines?

0:20:090:20:11

-No.

-Yay!

0:20:110:20:13

Hey, what is going on here?

0:20:170:20:20

It's my birthday and I'm a kid, so I get to open my presents.

0:20:200:20:24

Not only kids get presents.

0:20:250:20:28

Happy birthday, boys.

0:20:280:20:29

-ALL:

-Happy birthday!

0:20:290:20:31

This is awesome!

0:20:310:20:32

Cos life is precious and you've got to celebrate it when you can.

0:20:320:20:37

That's why birthdays rock.

0:20:370:20:39

Oh! Don't look at him like that.

0:20:410:20:43

He's right.

0:20:430:20:44

So, how was the underground cook-off?

0:20:450:20:48

What? Oh, yeah.

0:20:480:20:51

It's cool. Did really well.

0:20:510:20:52

Oh! Even though your lucky griddle was wedged in a bush outside.

0:20:520:20:56

Can I ask you something, Ginger?

0:20:570:20:59

Ever since you left Australia, have you ever felt...

0:20:590:21:01

I don't know, too far away from home?

0:21:010:21:04

Sometimes. Why do you ask?

0:21:040:21:06

Don't tell anyone, but I've been...

0:21:060:21:08

Nothing. Never mind.

0:21:090:21:11

I can't tell you how happy this...

0:21:120:21:14

SPLAT!

0:21:170:21:18

..makes me.

0:21:200:21:21

-Oops.

-We might have overloaded that one.

0:21:230:21:26

THEY LAUGH

0:21:280:21:32

Happy birthday!

0:21:380:21:39

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