Parentology So Awkward

CLASSICAL MUSIC

And I said, "I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty,

"but they don't look like real diamonds to me,"

and I've never been back to the Palace since!

Priceless, mother, absolutely priceless.

More caviar, anyone?

Lily, your mother is a truly wonderful hostess, is she not?

Why, thank you, Matthew. Where do you think I learnt it from?

Ah, yet it's more than her conversation I adore.

It's her poise, her grace.

Mrs Hampton, you really are well cool.

In fact, I cannot contain myself a moment longer.

I simply must ask you to dance.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Erm, I don't think she wants to.

Do you tango, Matthew?

Don't we all, Mrs Hampton?

TANGO MUSIC

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Oh, and another thing she did when she was six

was put her pants on her head and dance around naked.

Didn't you, Lily?

Like this!

Oh!

ROCK MUSIC

# Ooh-hoo-hoo

# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo

-# So

-So

-So

-So

-# So

-So

# Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo

-# Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh-hoo

-Ah-ah-ah ah-ah

-# So

-So

-So

-So

-# So

-So

-So

-So

# Ooh

# So awkward. #

-You OK?

-Why wouldn't I be?

Your mum, I just thought...

Nothing, just forget it.

Hey, at least she's stopped knitting all your jumpers.

What's that on the front?

That would be my face.

-Right.

-It's my lucky face jumper.

It's not just me, everybody's parents are a bit weird.

Not everyone's.

My dad's completely normal.

He-hey! Wahoo!

Yay!

CRASHING

Cracking game, Jas.

That second half was crrrazy!

I was like ah-ha, then I was like, argh

and then I was like, phe-e-ew!

Thanks, Dad.

Oh!

Oops, erm, let me get that.

No, it's all right, Mr Salford, you stay there.

-Yes, it's probably easier if you don't try to...

-No, I insist!

-It's...

-Whoa!

What? Ha...

Mother, it's me.

No, Martha.

No, Martha, your daughter.

-Darling, how was the swimming gala?

-Chess game, mother,

and please take me off speakerphone when you're in a meeting.

Can I just say, I love chess.

(Shut up, Martin.)

All right, darling, let's have a catch up later, shall we?

I've scheduled a mother-daughter debrief for...

Wednesday. What shall we say, 20 minutes?

Yes, mother. Looking forward to it already.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't worry, Lily. I'm not going to embarrass you.

Now, which of these nice young men is your boyfriend?

Oh...

-Is it this one?

-No, mum.

No. Bit short, right? Yeah.

Oh, what about this one?

Oh! Too smelly.

-Oh, I know, what about...

-NO!

Erm, I mean, no.

Actually, it's, erm...

It's Ollie.

Really?

-Ollie Coulton?

-Yeah.

Ollie's my boyfriend all right.

He's just...

so...

..punctual.

Mum, are you OK?

My little girl's first boyfriend.

We should celebrate. When can he come for tea?

Aw, he's busy then.

-Well, I haven't set a date yet.

-Huh...

Tomorrow, and tell him I will not take no for an answer.

Yoo-hoo!

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Question one, how's school?

A, excellent,

b, good

or c, fair.

Question two, what would you like for dinner?

Did your mum send you another feedback form?

A, chicken,

b, fish

or c, vegetarian option.

Wow - somebody doesn't like the vegetarian option(!)

It's not that.

It's just she never has time for me.

That's not true, is it? She came to sports day.

Yes, Jas, she did...

via webcam.

I had to run 400 metres holding a laptop.

Even when I was six, I used to get my bedtime stories via e-mail.

I just want to be noticed.

Sounds like somebody needs a detention.

You know how it works - if you break three rules,

Mrs Griggs will have to call your parents in to school.

-So?

-So your mum will have to pay you attention,

by order of the headmistress.

Are you suggesting I misbehave?

Yeah.

My dad's in here so often, he's got his own parking space.

Take my English essay. It's late, it's rushed

and I've just spilt juice all over it.

Oh!

Oh, pants!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Eurgh!

There must be an easier way.

Oh, please, please, please, please, please, Ollie,

be my boyfriend. It's just for one night.

-No.

-I'm desperate.

Oh, all right, then.

Seriously?

No.

Have you met your mum?

She hugs, and you know how I feel about huggers.

I'll ask her not to.

I'll say you got lice.

Oh, gosh!

It sounds like such a wonderful evening but seriously,

I'm a bit out of your league.

I really hoped it wouldn't come to this.

Four words, Ollie -

chess camp, second place.

-Where did you get this?

-That's not important.

Do you want the whole world to know

you were beaten by a six-year-old girl?

You wouldn't.

Of course not, because I'm your friend,

and you know what friends do?

They help each other.

Fine. What time shall I come over?

Four o'clock OK? Thanks, Ollie.

Whoa there, missy. I need some information. Data.

What does a boyfriend even do?

I don't know. Look it up.

Great.

Oh, it's a chess match report.

Barely. No doubt you've noticed it's completely unacceptable.

What's wrong with it?

What isn't? The formatting is all wrong,

not to mention the obvious spelling mistake on page two.

Ah, this one.

No. Anyway, I cannot go unpunished and I look forward to my...

-What about this one?

-No.

I look forward to my detention as and when you see fit.

Ah, yes, of course.

Perhaps I should spin the wheel and accept my punishment.

No need -

-job done and you are welcome.

-KNOCKING

Come in.

-Mrs Griggs, before you say anything can I just...

-No.

Detention.

I'm glad we had this chat.

Incredible.

It's like a gift.

Thanks, Martha.

Shhh!

-(I'm not ready for this.)

-(Of course you are, Martha.)

(I'm going to get you into trouble if it's the last thing I do.)

You're such a good friend.

(Silence, please!)

(See that?)

(Even if you clear your throat in here, Mrs Jones goes nuts.)

-All you have to do is make a noise...

-(Ladies!)

(Final warning!)

(Or it'll be the longest detention of your lives.)

(What are you doing?)

(I don't know.)

(It's easy!)

(Just knock these over.)

(Erm, yeah, maybe push them.)

Come on, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING!

So, basically, I need to find out what a girl wants in a boyfriend.

I've done a bit of research

and apparently all you're interested in is make-up and perfume.

Is that because you're ugly and you smell?

Thanks, ladies. Thanks for your time. GIGGLING

Scientific research. I'm trying to be a boyfriend.

Oh.

-That's not how you do it.

-Thanks. I had noticed.

Girls are complicated. You have to say things to them

but the things you say have to be nice. Watch this.

Hey, Amber. Nice trainers.

Thanks, Matt.

Fascinating.

And that would work on Lily Hampton, would it?

Lily?

That's who you're going out with?

Don't ask.

I blame chess camp.

Darling, I got your message. Everything all right?

Not really.

There's no easy way to say this but...

Mother, are you sitting down?

-Go on.

-It's pretty serious.

I was in the library today and...

Well, the truth is, I nearly made a noise.

I'm going to be honest, darling, that doesn't sound serious.

Well, of course it is. It's only a matter of time before I...

PAPER SHUFFLING

Mother, I am speakerphone again?

ACHOO!

Oh...

OK, so we've covered the basics.

Girls like flowers, chocolates and massive balloons.

What else?

Erm...

..cups?

Why don't we come back to that?

OK, which of the following is best?

1, your jokes are funny

or 2, your hair looks weird.

Don't tell me, I can get this.

Hmmm, I'm never going to get this.

You don't have to talk to them,

you could just be one of those boyfriends that holds hands.

Hand-holding? Right, that just sounds awful.

No, it's easy. Look.

You get their hand...

..and hold it.

See?

Or you can do an arm link.

But, if it's really special, and the mood is right,

go for the Hollywood lean.

Check this out.

Oh!

I feel so special.

Pretty romantic, right?

Research project?

Obviously.

I thought as much. Any useful findings?

Let's put it this way, I'm ready to be a boyfriend.

So, Ollie's going to come round tonight

-and pretend I'm his girlfriend.

-Right...

Which will finally stop Mum from embarrassing me

-in front of Matt Furnish. Pretty smart, right?

-Genius.

-If only there was a Nobel Prize for lying to your mum.

-Very funny.

But I understand if you don't want to be around tonight.

And miss this? Oh, no, I'm going to be on the front row with popcorn.

Miss what? What are you talking about?

My little sister's first boyfriend!

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

That's very funny.

So he's handed out a few leaflets, so what?

I'm telling you, this is completely under control.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

Now that is just...

-Pretty cool, right?

-Yeah...

Can't believe you've got these.

-What are they?

-Smoke bombs.

-Oh, OK.

Get caught throwing these down the hall

and that detention is guaranteed.

OK...

Just give it bounce. Just needs a little bit of a spin.

OK. Erm...

Let me show you.

I can explain!

You know what? I really can't.

-How long have you been at the school, Jasmine?

-Two years.

And you like it here, don't you?

With all the lovely unbroken chairs, everything in one piece?

Yes.

Don't make me do it, don't make me call your dad in!

We're still repairing everything from the last time he came in!

Think of it, Jasmine - do you want a school with no chairs?

No!

Final warning.

Think of the chairs!

Lily, congratulations on the boyfriend!

I told you, he's not my boyfriend!

Matt, hi!

You dropped this.

-Did you look at it?

-No, why?

-No reason.

Congratulations on your boyfriend!

Will everyone get it in their stupid heads? He's not my boyfriend!

Oh.

Sorry.

Rough day.

So it's not real then?

It's definitely not real.

Actually, Matt...

Lily! Darling.

Don't you look ravishing?

-I love your trainers.

-But I'm not wearing any trainers.

Looks pretty real to me, Lils. I'll leave you to it.

Matt, wait!

Look, I don't know what you're doing or why, but this has to stop.

-Really?

-Yes!

Thanks and everything, but it's too much.

No way is my mum going to believe it.

Aw!

Ooh!

Ha-ha!

Sit down, sit down. I want to hear everything.

We met at Chess Club.

Yes, but that's not the whole story, is it, Pumpkin?

-I don't think there's a story.

-Oh, please let there be a story.

-Oh, there's definitely a story.

-I don't think there' a...

From the moment she first saw me,

-she knew there was something different about this one.

-Did you?

You could say that, yeah...

She couldn't tell what it was that drew her to me more -

my charms, my brains, my...

devastating good looks?

-But drawn she was, like a moth to a smouldering flame.

-Hah!

Ahem.

Oops, oh, no!

I expect you're wondering about the smoke bomb?

The one that just fell out my sleeve? DISTRACTED LAUGH

Well, I'm afraid I can't discuss it.

And I definitely can't tell you I nearly threw it at school today.

DISTRACTED LAUGH

Where it turned into a tap-dancing rhino

-and started singing the national anthem!

-Sounds lovely.

Mother, are you even listening to me?

Sorry, darling.

Look, I've been a bit preoccupied lately, but I'm always here for you.

And you must know that you can tell me anything.

-She's a wonderful listener.

-Not now, Martin.

Your clothes are strange And rather frilly

And though your knees are fine Your nose is knobbly

In the game of life You score one-nilly, Lilly

And though your hair Is sometimes silly

And your face is rather hilly

In your eyes it's never chilly,

You're my dafodilly, really, Lilly.

That was lovely.

Particularly the last 12 verses, they were my favourite.

-Oh, I can keep going!

-It's getting late.

-No, it's not.

Yes, it is! And I'm sure you have homework to do.

-I've always got time for you, Pumpkin.

-Aw.

We've made so many plans, Mrs Hampton.

Christmases, holidays - next week we're even getting a cat.

-I love cats!

-Who doesn't love cats?

-I know, right?

We're not getting a cat.

But, Pumpkin, why ever not?

Yeah, Pumpkin - why not?

Erm...

-Because I'm dumping you!

-DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS

-Oh!

-What?

You can't mean that?

Yes, I do.

The magic's gone, Ollie. You take me for granted.

It's like I'm some sort of trophy to read poems to and get a cat with.

Well I'm more than that, I'm a girl.

A girl with feelings and dreams,

dreams you'll never touch or come close to understanding.

-MUSIC CUTS

-So we should probably just break up.

Sorry and everything. Sorry, Mum.

How could you?

I gave you the best...

six hours of my life.

And this is how you repay me?!

-Please, I'm begging you, just let me go.

-No! I can do this.

I was up all night practising.

Ready?

Bye, Martha. I'm through with getting all your detentions for you.

-But...

-Face it, there are some things even you can't do.

-Fine!

-And please, get rid of that.

FIRE ALARM

-I did it! I broke a rule!

-Congratulations. We need to go. Now!

That was easy!

Mrs Griggs! I just broke two rules!

-Why?

-Because I can!

I'm brilliant at this! One more and you have to call my mother, right?

Just for the record, I had nothing to do with this.

Of course!

We can set this one off as well.

Good job we brought two, right, Jas?

-Are you sure you'll be OK?

-Of course I will.

Oh...

Yes. I mean no.

Well... It won't be easy, but, erm...

..we'll get there?

I didn't think he was your type, to be honest.

-I always saw you with that nice Matt Furnish.

-How did you know that?

He's a very lucky boy. Any boy would be lucky to go out with you.

Thanks, Mum.

Ooh! I could make him a face jumper!

What colour, blue or green?

Thanks. Should I come closer?

Oh, no, no - you stay right where you are.

I just want to start by saying, I am so sorry about my daughter.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

What is the one thing I am always telling you?

-Stay out of trouble.

-Yes!

Stay out of trouble!

And here we are, hauled up in front of the headmistress!

Thank you, Mr Salford.

He's right, there's no excuse for us, we're completely out of control.

-Will you stop that?

-I can't.

I think, perhaps, I can.

I have a feeling a lot of this is down to me.

I've been busy recently, and we haven't spent much time together.

I'm sorry, Martha.

Yes. I've had a good, long think and I'm pretty sure I've fixed things.

I was going to save this for your birthday, but...

Mother And Daughter Boot Camp?

Two weeks of crawling in mud and eating nettles - I can't wait!

Not just that, next weekend we're going shopping for dresses.

And afterwards - wait for it...

Take your pick, darling -

One Direction or Jedward?

I thought my punishments were bad!

Hee-hee-hee!

And then, when she was seven, she would stick her bottom in the air

-and say, "Quack, quack, quack!"

-LAUGHTER

Wouldn't you, Lily? Oh, we did laugh!

It WAS quite funny.

Very well-played, I thought.

All that hard work is really starting to pay off.

But I'm looking at the figures and frankly there's a long way to go.

-Thanks, Martin.

-But it's not good enough, is it? No, absolutely not.

Matt, I am so sorry.

You don't have to wear it. You know that, right?

Yeah, I do.

My mum made it.

Your mum knitted that?

Please don't tell anyone.

Dad, I know what we did was stupid, but I was only trying to help.

Oh, Jas -

it was stupid.

But I'm proud of you for caring so much about your friends.

You just need to be more careful.

A bit of thought and a bit of care is all it takes.

You think you can do that for me?

I will, I promise.

-Oh!

-CRASH!

Thanks, Dad!