Dinner Date So Awkward

So, it's official - you're my boyfriend.

Yeah, I guess I am.

It'll be nice to actually tell people now.

Yeah, and this badge will definitely help.

Do you think it's big enough?

-The thing is, Lily, I'm worried I can't be your boyfriend.

-Why?

Is it because I told you there's no such word as "brung"?

It's just it's "brought", as in, "I brought my homework to school."

No, it's not that.

I'm an alien.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, these aren't my real ears.

I knew there was something weird about those.

-Sorry, Lily.

-It's fine. I guess we can still go out.

The thing is, on my planet,

hand-eye coordination is really important

and a girl can only go out with a boy if she's good at sport.

So, it's a good job I've brung this, eh?

No!

-You not eating that?

-No, I wasn't ready!

-Sorry?

-You shouldn't skip breakfast.

Here, have an apple.

No!

# Ooh-ooh, ooh

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

# Ooh!

# So, so, so, so, so, so

# Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh, ooh

# Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh

# So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so

# So Awkward! #

Right, Jason, what do you think?

Well, I think you can tell it's not your real hair.

Ha-ha! I mean the colour. I feel like a change.

Take my photo so I can see what it looks like.

Shouldn't you have asked Taylor Swift

-if you could steal her hair?

-Ah, she won't mind.

Lily, you haven't even taken a bite out of that apple.

-Oh, I'm not really hungry.

-Oh, too in love?

-What about this one?

-I think it looked better on Beyonce.

Yeah, you might be right.

Hang on. In love?

Yeah, with her boyfriend Matt.

Matt's your boyfriend?

-Um, yeah, I think.

-Does he know that?

-Aw. He's a lovely lad.

-He's all right.

He's just a perfectly ordinary boy with perfectly ordinary...ears.

Well, you'll have to bring him round for dinner. What about tonight?

-I could do my tuna and banana bake.

-Uh, I don't think so.

-Why not?

You're not embarrassed about your family, are you?

-HE GASPS

-Is that will.i.am?

SHUTTER CLICKS Of course I'm not embarrassed.

It's just he doesn't really like home-made food.

Oh.

Well, there's lots of other things we can do.

We could put the speakers outside

and have a disco dance in the garden.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Yeah! Let's do that.

-We could invite the neighbours.

-Yes!

And you can show off all your groovy moves.

-Mum, no!

-Come on!

There's nothing embarrassing about dancing with your mum. Whoo!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Come on.

Well, if Matt is an alien,

he's got to reveal his true form sooner or later.

I don't actually think he's an alien.

Anyway, alien or not, he's still quite good-looking.

He's more than just good-looking, Jas.

He's kind and considerate and we have really deep conversations.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, you?

-Yeah.

-ECHOING:

-I'm an alien.

-What, is it my hair?

-No, no, nothing.

Ah, cool. Catch you later.

Wow. That was a pretty deep conversation.

Have you guys seen Martha? We were supposed to meet at 8.17.

I think the problem is

I'm not sure if he actually is my boyfriend.

-Well, you need to ask him.

-I know, but how?

It's so hard.

Wow. This relationship stuff, it's a minefield.

I dread the day when girls start asking me to go out with them.

Ollie, you've got to be sympathetic to Lily's situation.

She might actually have her first real-life boyfriend,

-and that's a big change.

-I don't like change.

That's what I admire about Martha - her consistency.

In an ever-changing world, she's predictable, unchanging.

What is it?

Martha?

Hey, Martha. How's it going?

Oh, yeah, really well. Legend.

Why have you got a hockey stick?

You hate hockey.

Actually, I've always admired the savage ballet of hockey.

It's legend.

Savage ballet? Legend?

I love your new look, Martha. I haven't seen anything like it.

Actually, I think I have.

That was a great goal, Amber. It was legend.

What?

Ow, my eye! My eye! Ow!

That's basically what happened in the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

Thanks, sir. That was legend.

Oh, thank you very much, Martha. Is that a new scarf? Very nice.

Legend.

Why don't you just change your name to Jade, as well?

I happen to admire Jade.

She is head of the school council, gets straight As in everything

and excels in a host of extracurricular activities.

We'd make excellent friends.

-What about us?

-I still value your friendship.

Oh, legend.

But studies show that girls with older friends

-do about 26% better in their exams.

-So, that's why you're copying her?

Showing Jade how similar we are is just phase one.

Phase two will be the PowerPoint presentation

outlining why we should be friends.

Martha, that's not how you become friends with someone.

Isn't it? It worked with Ollie.

Now, in order to bring the Battle of Hastings alive...

-We're going to act out the battle on the school field!

-No, no.

They won't let us do that again.

The Bayeux Tapestry showed us the events in the battle.

It's kind of like the action movie of its day.

So, we're going to make...

Our own action movie!

No. Our own tapestry!

Yeah!

And then I'm going to put it up for the school's open day.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, good. Break.

I mean, uh, pack up, please.

-Hey, do you want to work on the tapestry together?

-Oh, yeah.

-It'll be good to work as a team. After all, you are...

-Yeah?

-..really good at history.

-Oh, yeah.

-Hey, are you two going out?

-What?!

Cos if you are going out, I'd take your coat. Looks like rain.

I can't believe you're joining the Gardening Society

just cos Jade's a member.

Gardening is the ultimate natural science.

Anyway, how do you know Jade's a member?

Because I belong to the Gardening Society.

Who do you think invented the cross between the carrot and a potato?

-You invented the "creato"?

-I did.

Well, I'm sure Jade and I could invent our own vegetable,

if we put our minds to it.

Jade's three years older than us. You'll have nothing in common.

-Look, if Jade and I are friends, it'll benefit you, too.

-How?

She has an electron microscope

so I won't have to keep asking you over to borrow yours.

Oh.

Good.

-Do you and Matt chat online?

-All the time.

-Do you hold hands?

-Yeah.

Although we were doing Irish dancing

and sort of everyone was holding hands at various points.

-Sounds like going out to me.

-Yeah!

But are we really going out or just hanging out?

How about I ask him?

You can't. You're a girl,

and apparently, boys only talk about girls with other boys.

-BOTH:

-Ollie!

Well, darling, are you friends with Jade yet?

No.

Oh. Have you shown her the PowerPoint presentation?

Lily says that's not the right strategy.

Really?

It's the one I used for the GlenCorp proposal.

It won us the contract, didn't it, Martin?

It was very persuasive.

I think I need to do Jade some sort of favour.

If I could help Jade out in some way,

she'd think I was legend.

Like Androcles and the lion?

Androcles removed the thorn from the lion's paw

and the lion was forever grateful to him.

Shut up, Martin.

Well, you'll just have to find some situation

where Jade needs help, darling.

Yes, I'll have to be super aware and keep looking for an opportunity,

so that when I get the chance, I'm ready.

Good girl. Bye, darling.

Satsuma?

MOUTHS SILENTLY

-Why me?

-Because you've got great people skills.

No, I haven't.

-People confide in you.

-No, they don't.

-Here he comes.

Just talk to him man-to-man and find out if he's Lily's boyfriend.

Man-to-man.

-Hey, Matt.

-Hey, Ollie.

Ow!

School, hey?

-School.

-Yeah.

-Where would we be without it?

-At home.

Yeah, I suppose so.

It's a place to learn, sure, but it's also about the people.

-Boys, girls.

-Teachers.

Yeah, but I'm talking about the special people in our lives.

-Parents?

-No.

-Pets?

-No.

-I've got a cat. He's called Fluffy.

Yeah, sure. What I mean is we're growing up.

We've got friends,

but we're starting to want some people to be more than friends.

Yeah.

And I just wondered if you're the sort of person

who wanted to be more than friends with someone.

-What, like, go out with somebody?

-Yes.

-HE SIGHS IN RELIEF

-Oh, I see.

Well, you're a really great guy, Ollie,

but I don't think of you in that way.

-No.

-I'm sure you'll find someone who does one day.

-No, I didn't...

-OK.

-Wait!

I didn't mean it like that!

-HE SIGHS

-Oh, dear.

This is book three in the Night Falls trilogy.

My mother got it from America,

so Ollie and I are the only ones in the UK that have it.

According to her blog, Jade has just finished book two,

so when she leaves the school council meeting

in room four over there, I'll bump into her, drop it,

and when she sees it, lend it to her,

thus bonding us lifelong friends. What do you think?

Right, yeah, yeah. Very good.

Don't suppose you've got a pen on you.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

And the school council meeting -

that's moved from room four to room 41 upstairs.

What?! No!

Wow. What an ending.

Ooh, sorry.

Hi, Ollie. Congratulations on inventing the "creato".

-Well, someone had to.

-And you won the chess tournament.

Well, we were all winners, really. But I definitely did win, yes.

Well, my chess could do with a bit of a tune-up.

Are you free some time for a practice session?

Yeah, of course.

Night Falls book three? I've been dying to read that.

I've just finished it. You can borrow it, if you like.

Wow. Thanks, Ollie.

-See you around. Legend.

-Bye.

Looking for someone?

Yes! It's lasagne day!

Legend!

Ollie, how did it go with Matt?

It's difficult to say.

What do you mean?

Did you find out if he was my boyfriend?

-Not exactly.

-So, I still don't know.

-That's so annoying.

-I know, right? So annoying.

-You don't seem annoyed.

-Lily, it's lasagne day.

Nothing can bring me down.

-Oh, no!

-What? What is it?

It's Jade. There's only one seat left.

I'm not going to get there in time.

I guess you and Jade just aren't meant to be.

No, Jade and I will be friends. It will happen.

You must have another idea, Jas. You're full of them.

Lily, I'm looking inside my brain and all I can see is lasagne.

Finished with that? Thanks!

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Yeah. Legend.

PHONE BEEPS

My mum wants to know if I'm going to ask Matt round for dinner.

-Are you?

-As if. You know what my mum's like.

She'll get out all the baby photos of me and tell embarrassing stories.

Like when you used to get inside a sleeping bag

-and pretend to be a caterpillar?

-HE LAUGHS

-Yep.

-And when you used to think cats were girl dogs.

-HE LAUGHS

-And when you...

Thank you, Jas.

-I've got it!

-What?

If Matt comes round for dinner,

your mum's bound to ask him if he's your boyfriend.

He'll have to answer and then you'll know.

Jas, you're a genius.

Finally, the world realises.

Excuse me.

CLATTERING

Shall I ask Matt if he's free tonight?

Um, I know I've been a bit tongue-tied with Matt in the past,

but even I can't mess that up.

Do you want to have dinner with my mum?

-Uh...

-And me, obviously.

My mum and me.

Let me guess. Gardening Club?

Yes.

And it was amazing.

Where else can one witness photosynthesis in action

while cultivating the precious orchid?

True. So, what were you doing today?

Manure spreading.

Ah, yes, it's Manure Monday.

I always try to avoid that. Too much manure.

Yes, well, obviously, Jade feels the same way

because she wasn't there either.

And you're signing up for Bug Club.

I think Jade's a member of that, too.

Oh? Really?

I didn't know that.

-I thought you hated insects.

-No, I'm fascinated by them.

Yeah, and I suppose you express this fascination

by standing on the table and screaming,

like you did that time a daddy-longlegs

landed on your pencil case.

I was standing on the table to get a better view of it

and screaming in admiration.

-Oh, of course.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Yes!

-What is it?

Sasha from year seven just spotted Jade in the library.

She's reading book three from the Night Falls trilogy.

How did she get a hold of that?

Uh...

-How would I know?

-Got to go.

I talked to Matt and he's up for coming around mine for dinner.

Great! It's going to be brilliant.

Your mum's bound to ask him if he's your boyfriend.

It'll be a bit embarrassing, but at least you'll know for sure.

Only thing is making sure my mum doesn't embarrass me too much.

But what can I do? It's not as if I can give her a list of subjects

-she's not allowed to talk about.

-True.

Right, subjects you can't talk about -

-when I cut my own hair...

-Yep.

..when I tried to glue my hair back on...

-SHE SNIGGERS

-Mm-hm.

..when the barber had to shave my head.

When you wore your slippers to school.

Oh, that's not on the list. Let's add that one.

BUZZING

Martha, you forgot this. As a new member of Bug Club,

you get to look after the school fleas for a night.

Oh, great.

This is the sort of privilege Jade is missing out on

ever since she left Bug Club to join Cupcake Club.

Yeah.

Who needs cupcakes when you've got fleas?

-Right, see you after football.

-All right, love.

"The dinner with Matt action plan."

Wow. And who said romance was dead?

I didn't.

-Jas!

-Good luck.

Hope nothing embarrassing happens.

That's all the baby photos.

Now, napkin code.

If an embarrassing topic not on the list is mentioned,

Lily will raise her napkin like this

and you, Mrs Hampton, will change the subject.

And in case there's something really embarrassing,

Lily will say the emergency phrase,

"Did you know Matt's got a lovely, fluffy cat?"

-Fluffy cat.

-Brilliant.

-Are we done? I just need to put this new hair dye on.

-Yeah.

Sorry, Mum. It's just I really want this to go right.

Oh, I know.

I remember when I met my first boyfriend's mum.

Oh, I was really desperate for the loo and I...

Oh.

I'm home, Mother.

Hello, darling! Are you friends with Jade yet?

No.

Good luck, and let me know if Matt says he's your boyfriend.

I will. Thank you. I hope I wasn't too hard on my mum.

I mean, I know I say she's embarrassing sometimes,

-but she's not that bad, really.

-What do you think?

-Got to go.

-It's great, isn't it?

I'll be turning a few heads with this.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ooh, that'll be Matt.

Now, I'll try not to be too embarrassing.

-Hello, Matt.

-Whoa.

Oh, yes, sorry. I mean, "Whoa, Matt."

Honestly, I can't keep up with the way you youngsters talk.

Come in.

Matt's here.

Oh, I must check on the food.

Sorry I'm late.

I was looking for my cat, Fluffy. He's gone missing.

-Oh, no.

-Hopefully, he'll turn up soon.

-I mean, he did last time.

-Well, thanks for coming.

I mean, I know it's a bit weird, just me and my mum...

-Oh, no. It's about time. I mean, you are my...

-Yes?

Dinner's ready.

Barbecue chicken from the supermarket hot counter,

pre-packed coleslaw and microwave chips.

You know, I've never heard of somebody being allergic

-to home-made food before.

-Oh, no, I'm not...

Mum, did you know that Matt plays for the school football team?

Oh, really? What position?

On the wing, but I prefer being a striker.

Oh.

Lily, don't you think you should save some chicken for other people?

You've taken three pieces.

Lily did a football skills session once.

The coach told her to kick the ball and she...

..kicked it.

Nowhere near his face.

-And didn't injure him at all.

-SHE CHUCKLES

Not at all.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

What's this, darling?

Have you made something in food science?

So, Mum, I'm sure there's lots you want to know about Matt.

I'm sure Matt doesn't want me asking him lots of questions.

-He doesn't mind, do you, Matt?

-Oh, no.

Well, there is one thing I'm curious about.

Forgive me if this is embarrassing,

but I can't help wondering if you and Lily are...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

Excuse me.

Oh, heeeello.

I mean, hi.

I'm Lily's hairy...history teacher.

-Oh, Mr Malone, isn't it?

-Yes, yeah.

Lily forgot her Bayeux Tapestry homework.

I was just passing, so I thought I'd drop it in.

That's so kind of you. Come and join us for dinner.

Oh, no, no. I don't think that's appropriate.

It's only ready-cooked chicken, microwave chips and coleslaw.

-So, you didn't cook it?

-Not really, no.

-I'm in!

Have you heard anything about your cat?

Oh, no, I forgot about that.

Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have reminded you.

From now on, no more mentioning cats.

-Are you having a nice time?

-Yeah.

It's good to spend some time away from school stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

Look, it's Mr Malone.

Are you all right?

Ooh.

Are you around tonight?

I could bring over my electron microscope.

I'm sorry, Ollie. You can't come round.

My mother and I have fleas.

You know, there's no need to be sarcastic.

You could just say you don't fancy it.

Get off me!

This is all Jade's fault.

This is great.

-I hope you don't mind me using my fingers.

-Oh, no.

You know, the fork is a relatively new invention.

Until the 16th century, most people just used spoons.

Ah. Isn't that interesting?

-Aren't we lucky to have a history teacher with us?

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

We do a lot of things we didn't used to.

In medieval times, no-one even took a bath.

Oh, I think Lily would've liked medieval times.

I can't get her in the bath when she's engrossed

in one of her nature programmes.

I'm like, "Lily, you're starting to pong."

THEY LAUGH

I say, "You'll grow stuff behind your ears if you don't wash them."

Mum!

Did you know that Matt's got a lovely, fluffy...

ECHOING: 'From now on, no more mentioning cats.'

A lovely, fluffy...

..head.

That used to happen to me. I just changed shampoo.

-Can I have some more chicken?

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry. I've spilt the barbecue...

-Do I really have a fluffy head?

-No.

I thought you had a lovely, fluffy cat.

If I ever see him again.

-Mum!

-Ah!

I am so sorry.

Where do you keep the tea towels?

No!

Is that Lily as a baby? Oh, she hasn't changed a bit!

HE CHUCKLES

Has a bit more coleslaw now, but...

BELL RINGS

So, I still don't know if Matt's my boyfriend.

When I invited him round for dinner,

I didn't think we'd both end up wearing it.

-Oh, no.

-I was so embarrassed.

I didn't know what was redder - my mum's hair or my face.

-But at least I convinced her to dye it back brown again.

-Hi.

-Martha, you're the old you again!

-You were right, Ollie.

Trying to hang out with someone older than me, that's ridiculous.

I would have absolutely nothing in common Jade.

I'm just sorry it took me so long to realise it.

Hey, thank you so much for lending me this, Ollie.

Amazing ending. Are we still on for chess practice later?

Uh, um...

-Yeah, yeah.

-Thanks, Ollie. See you later.

-Hey, guys, let's go look at the...thing.

-What thing?

Right. The thing.

-WHISPERS:

-Let's go.

-My cat came back.

-Oh, good.

And I changed shampoo, so no more fluffy head.

Great.

And I just wanted to say sorry if I was a bit embarrassing last night.

-YOU were embarrassing?

-Yeah, I took all that chicken.

Don't be silly.

I'm sorry you had to see all those baby photos.

Hey, I was a baby.

It's not like I came out of a pod like an alien.

True.

Well, I hope you had a nice time.

-Course I had a good time with you, Lily. I mean, I am your...

-Yeah?

Well, what I'm trying to say is we both like each other a lot.

-Hopefully, you see me as your...

-CAR HORN BEEPS

Lily!

You've forgotten your Bayeux Tapestry homework.

Mum!