PSHE Hee Hee So Awkward

I just want it to go on record that I said this was a bad idea.

I've told you, it's completely safe.

-You trust me, don't you?

-Um...yes.

Right. Well, when I say, "Now," throw yourself off the ladder.

What?!

Mr Malone, it says here that PSHE stands for

Personal Social and Health Education.

What does that have to do with Ollie up a ladder?

-Well, um...

-Is it the health bit?

Ollie falls off the ladder,

-hurts himself and we nurse him back to health?

-Is it?

-No.

It's a trust exercise.

He falls, we catch him. Any questions?

-Is he definitely high enough?

-Yes, he is!

Any more questions?

-Can I get down from this ladder?

-No.

-Oh!

Look, I know what you're thinking, "What's the point?

"Why trust anyone in this crazy old world." But think, Ollie.

Think about what you could learn today.

This isn't just about trust, this is about trust and hope and

following the pathway to your dreams.

And right now you've got to take that first step and then I promise

you'll be flying!

Right, gang?

-CLASS:

-Yeah!

I'll do it. Just give me that chance to believe.

Attaboy, kiddo!

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Right, next lesson, everyone.

Argh...

HE GROANS

Wow. I've never seen a leg bend that way before.

CAMERA CLICKS

That's why I'm not taking any chances with PSHE.

It's a wonderful subject, Ollie. It challenges the whole mind.

In many ways, it's perhaps the hardest subject of all.

You're only saying that because you always come top.

And because it's true.

Believe me, Ollie, Mr Malone is not going to fob us off with any

silly trust exercises.

Morning! Who's ready for some trust exercises?

# Ooh-hoo-hoo

# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo

# Ooh

# So, so, so, so

# So, so, so

# Ooh

# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo

# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo

# So, so, so, so, so

# So, so, so

# So Awkward! #

THEY CHATTER AND LAUGH

-Just try it.

-Jas, you know I'm rubbish at catching.

-Not even you can drop someone this close. Besides, I trust you.

-Aw!

Really?

OK. Just give me a second to get my...

JAS GIGGLES

-Sorry.

-It's OK.

It takes real skill for someone to be this bad.

Go on, Martha.

Um, what exactly are we learning?

We are learning about...

-..friendship.

-Why?

-Good question. Anyone?

Uh, what does friendship mean to us?

-Cake?

-Sometimes. Anyone else?

-Someone who can make you laugh?

-Yeah, good. Good.

Friends make each other laugh.

And in fact, I'd say if you can't make anyone laugh,

they're probably not your friend.

I tell you what, for your homework, I want you all to come up with

a trust exercise of your own.

What resources would you recommend?

The Ecology Of Trust by AJ Flynn,

or The Anthropology Of Friendship by EF Sunderland?

-Both.

-Right. And you're sure you've read them both?

Because if you haven't read them,

then you can't effectively grade my work.

And if you can't effectively grade my work, then I'll fa... I'll fai...

Fail?

OK, next exercise.

Firstly, I am going to need a volunteer. Ollie?

All right, I'll just put it in the cupboard myself, then.

This isn't education, it's torture.

I thought sports day was bad.

Lils, do you want to work on the trust exercise thing?

You've been busy.

I'm working on a team building idea combining coordination and strength.

PSHE is awesome. OLLIE GROANS

It's a weird name for a subject, isn't it? PSHE.

Yeah. It should stand for Pointless Silly Hello Ew!

Or Purple Stray Headless Emus.

Or...Total Waste Of Time.

Um...

Try using the letters P-S-H-E.

Oh, yeah. P...

-Protractor!

-Right, good one.

I'll see you after school.

Wait. Palm trees. Pants.

Pants!

CANTEEN FALLS SILENT

You heard Mr Malone, friends make each other laugh.

Matt doesn't even think I'm funny.

Of course he does, just not in a good way.

Thank you for helping me with this.

Of course. PSHE is an important subject.

We can't have you fa...

-We can't have you fai...

-Don't even say it.

Shall we?

Chapter One. "Friends often talk about their feelings."

OK. How do you feel?

I feel fine. How do you feel?

A bit...hungry.

-Have you tried eating something?

-Good idea.

Chapter Two. Hugging.

"Hugs make people feel better."

Golly, this is harder than it looks.

-No wonder Mr Malone is struggling.

-Agreed.

Shall I talk to Mrs Griggs and have him replaced?

-I don't know. Seems a bit rude.

-Hm.

Besides, I may have a better idea.

"Martha's PSHE Lesson Plan."

-You're writing it for him.

-Exactly.

If at first you don't succeed...

-BOTH:

-Take over and do it your own way!

I never really understood science, but I enjoyed the Bunsen burners.

I had a lot...

Presenting Operation Make Matt LOL.

Is that what we're calling it?

-I don't know, do we want my help or not?

-OK, great name.

-Here's a list of jokes I printed off from the internet.

-OK.

-You'll carefully slip them into the conversation.

-Yes.

And after each little joke I tell,

-you'll laugh loudly to encourage Matt to do the same.

-Faultless.

I hope it works otherwise, I guess, Matt isn't my friend.

JAS LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

-Practising my laugh.

-All Right.

I'll never forget my best friend at school. Abigail Peters.

I'd say, "Morning, Abi!" And she'd say, "Stop it, put me down!"

"Help!" she'd say. "Help me, make it stop."

We lost touch after that. I never knew why.

Funny story. There's nothing like having a good LAUGH, is there?

You know, laugh?

Matt, when something's funny.

JAS LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

So, anyway, I'm calling this the Plank of Trust.

We tie ropes here and here

and everyone has to walk together as a team.

Well, I wouldn't bother using that pen,

because what's the difference between a pen and a fish?

You can't tune a pen?

JAS LAUGHS

Oh, actually it's piano. You can't tune a piano!

Um...apples!

-How do you make an apple puff?

-Chase it round the garden.

Good one! HE LAUGHS

CRACKING

My plank.

JAS LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

# He-he, ha-ha

# He-he, ha-ha. #

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Now, don't forget, everyone, I want your homework written up

and handed in by the end of the week.

Ta-da!

Now, before you say anything, can I just explain?

Oh, thanks, that was quick.

Impressive, even for you, Martha.

Really? You're OK with me doing this?

Yeah, of course. Look, I know you worry sometimes about fai...

Don't say it.

Thank you for understanding how important this is.

It's not that important.

I'll let you into a secret.

(Sometimes I don't even feel like doing the lesson.)

Message received and understood.

I'll take care of everything.

They didn't mention that at teacher training college.

It's a difficult situation, but I know how much you love to listen

to people's problems.

Basically, there's this boy. I'd rather not say his name.

All right, he's called Matt. That's all I'm saying.

All right, it's Matt Furnish.

Wow, you really know how to get stuff out of someone.

So, I'm trying to make him laugh. The reason's not important.

OK, I'm trying to make him be my boyfriend,

but it's not really working and I don't know what to do,

and I know you'd have the answer.

You're right, I do need to find out for myself.

But what can I do? Practice on someone else?

Of course! I should practice on Ollie.

Mrs Rennison, you are a genius.

How do you always know just what to say?

PSHE, what does is really stand for?

I'll tell you.

It stands for Listen Up because things just got serious.

I believe that with the proper teaching no-one has to fai...

..no-one has to fai...

..feel bad about themselves.

But if you're not 100% committed, then there's the door because

I want you to get out now.

Oh, sorry...

Good of you to join us.

So, if you could turn to the graph on page three, subsection eight,

I'd like to start cross-referencing the figures with the data in...

Are you chewing?

No, sorry, it's a cough sweet. Got a bit of a sore...

Hang on!

What are you doing?

Shaping the minds of the future and not to be rude,

-but you're kind of interrupting.

-You can't teach them PSHE.

-No, you're right.

-Thank you.

They need to discover the answers for themselves.

Supported with the appropriate resources, of course.

No. I meant you can't teach the lesson because you're a pupil and...

Nice diagrams.

Anyway, my job is to teach the class and... Is this the worksheet?

-That's part one of three.

-No? Really?

Plus, it comes with a DVD and interactive quiz.

This is brilliant.

Do you have a...a...

-We should probably...

-Uh, absolutely.

-Yeah.

Right, sorry about the mix-up.

Just to be clear, this is my class and I'm the teacher, OK?

Right.

-Over to you, Martha.

-Thank you.

-Uh...

-Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Right, where were we?

-Knock-knock.

-I do get a say in all this, do I?

Look, all you have to do is just sit there while Lily is funny at you.

It's not going to hurt.

-But do I even get the chance to say...

-Knock-knock.

-Who's there?

-Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow who?

Oh!

Oh, sorry. Moo!

Why don't you do your gerbil impression?

Wait, you do a gerbil impression?

I'd love to see a gerbil impression.

Bu-pu-pu-pu-pu!

-When you're ready.

-Argh!

Gerbils don't sound like that.

No, that's it. I officially give up.

It's fine, I am not funny, I never will be

and there's nothing that anyone can do about it.

JAS AND OLLIE LAUGH

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-..and that is what I'm looking for

from you guys...

Ah, Mrs Griggs, lovely to see you. Are you well? You look well.

-What's going on here?

-Nothing. I'm just teaching the lesson.

Just teaching the class as normal.

PSHE Lesson Plan by Martha Fitzgerald?

Is that what that's... That is obviously a mistake.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

It shouldn't say, "By Martha Fitzgerald,"

it should say, "For Martha Fitzgerald,"

because it's Martha's copy.

Ah, I see. Oh, so you must have lots of copies.

Um...I suppose I must have.

Hm, good.

Oh, so you won't mind if I do this?

Or this?

Or...

Stop! I did it, OK? It's my lesson plan.

Just please, stop!

So, you just unscrew the lid and pour.

Cue laughter, everybody thinks you're hilarious, job done.

-Are you sure you don't

-want to practise? I think I've got this.

Hi, Matt!

Lily was just saying how thirsty she was.

Are you?

Yes, I am. I am very thirsty.

-And I'm going to drink some of this milkshake.

-She really is.

What are you doing? I thought that you were thirsty.

-I'm trying.

-Well, try harder.

-Um, give it to me.

-No, I've got this.

-It's OK, you just need to...

-Stop! Seriously, you need to let me do it.

Get...

Is this really all you've got?

Take it or leave it.

What was I thinking?!

I mean, obviously, it was an accident, but it wasn't really an

accident, if you know what I mean.

I knew you'd understand.

This would never have happened if he'd just laughed.

It's kind of his fault, if anything.

You're right, I know what you're saying.

Things are usually funnier if you just let them happen.

Live in the moment.

I'm glad we had this chat.

SHE LAUGHS

Thanks, Lils.

-This will never work.

-It's fine.

-We just have to stick to the story, OK.

-We were rehearsing a play.

Right, right.

-And the play was about a made-up person called Martha.

-Yeah.

-Who just teaches lesson plans for them.

-Precisely.

We just have to stay calm and hold it together.

Oh, no.

Right.

I was doing all his lessons and I knew it was wrong and he let me!

I just didn't want to fai...

I just didn't want to fa...

I just wanted to pass.

-Sorry, I cracked.

-Yeah.

I suspected as much. Mr Malone, I am very disappointed in you.

In my defence, her lesson plans are way better.

That is not an excuse to take advantage.

The students are not here to be exploited by the staff.

Here you go, Mrs Griggs, this should be working now.

Thank you, Rufus. Just put it there by the door, thank you.

If you are struggling with your workload, you should've come to me.

What lesson is it?

-BOTH:

-PSHE.

Hm, I see.

Well, clearly it's time someone stepped in to show you

how it's done.

I know what you're thinking. "Argh, it's Mrs Griggs! Ooh!"

But I don't want you to worry

because we're going to have ourselves a whole barrel of fun.

Yay!

-DEEPER VOICE:

-Wait a minute, Mrs Griggs, what about me?

-IN NORMAL VOICE:

-Can anyone hear something?

It looks like we're going to be joined by

a very special friend of mine.

Everyone, say hello to

Patrick, the PSHE penguin.

-AS PATRICK:

-Hello, boys and girls.

I've flown here all the way from the South Pole

to teach you about PSHE.

-AS MRS GRIGGS:

-Oh!

Well, we're very happy to have you here, Patrick.

And it's all down to one pupil, right, Martha?

Say, Patrick.

Patrick?

-AS PATRICK:

-What do you love most about PSHE?

JAS CHUCKLES

-AS PATRICK:

-Well, why don't I tell ya?

ELECTRONIC BEATS PLAY

-RAPS:

-# It's the coolest subject you'll all agree

# And teachers call it PSHE

# But this little penguin ain't feeling no chills

# Cos we're here to learn about basic life skills. #

Yo!

PHONE RINGS

Mother, we have a code indigo situation.

I wouldn't want you to think that I was judging your teaching methods.

No, of course.

I just thought it would be nice to have a chat...

about your teaching methods.

I'm grateful when parents show an interest.

I'd hate for you to think of yourself as an interfering busybody

who should mind her own business.

-MRS FITZGERALD GIGGLES

-Quite.

And we both value your feedback.

I'm sorry, both?

Anyway, as are saying, Martha is terribly concerned that...

Aren't you going to say hello?

Lovely to meet you.

So, just to talk seriously for a moment...

-AS PATRICK:

-Talk seriously.

-It's a question of professionalism.

-Professionalism.

-What I really think is...

-Really think.

-Would you mind if I...?

-Honk!

-Huh.

-What I really want...

-Honk.

-Will you..?

-Huh!

-AS GRIGGS:

-Was there anything else?

-No.

I think that just about covers everything.

I can't believe we're stuck with the penguin.

We're all going to fail.

Oh, I said it. Go me!

There must be something we can do.

Does anyone else kind of like Patrick?

What do you think, Mr Malone?

Well, he's a powerful presence in the classroom, I'll give him that.

Mrs Rennison, we could really use some of your advice right now.

Stop that penguin? You've got no chance.

Uh!

Mwah!

That is unless...

I may have an idea.

Morning.

-CLASS:

-Morning, Mrs Griggs.

Patrick had so much fun yesterday that he's decided to join us

for every lesson.

Isn't that exciting?

-AS PATRICK:

-They don't look very excited, Mrs Griggs.

-AS MRS GRIGGS:

-Patrick has flown a long way to join us.

And if anyone has a problem with that, they can talk to me.

Does anyone have a problem?

As a matter of fact, someone does.

-AS PATRICK:

-Don't worry, Mrs Griggs, he's no match for us.

It's not just me today...

Say hello to my little friend.

I said, say hello to my little friend.

-LILY:

-I heard you, it's stuck.

Sorry.

CLASS CHUCKLES

That's right, everyone, I am Jemima the teaching tortoise,

and I'm here to teach you all about basic life skills.

Right, gang?

-What?

-Nothing.

No, go on.

-It's just that you've sort of done it again.

-He's got a point.

The letters all have to match. Like, Tina the teaching tortoise.

-Tammy the tolerant turtle.

-Good one!

-Thanks.

Really, you want to talk about this now? Well, I'm sorry, OK?

I'm sorry if I am not the one with the best jokes,

who always gets the letters right.

And maybe I'm not the funniest girl in class,

and maybe there is a better name for a tortoise.

But...it's my tortoise

and I have the right to call it by whatever name I choose

and I will defend that right to the very end!

CLASS LAUGHS

Everyone's laughing.

Matt's laughing.

I made Matt LOL!

Very impressive.

That was a powerful role play about tolerance and choice.

Well done.

Yeah. Well, we thought you'd like it.

Good work, everyone. Good work.

I have to say, I was very impressed with these.

-Really, everyone passed?

-Yeah, 'course.

-Obviously, one person had to come top.

-Really, I got the top mark?

Yeah. Well done, Matt.

OK, so we are working on the next chapter today.

So let's start by having a little look at the graph on page three.

-Bu-pu-pu-pu-pu!

-Amazing!

It's the best...gerbil impression I've ever seen.

-You guessed it!

-It's hilarious.

-I know, right?

-Thanks, Matt.

-Any time.

Patrick?

Patrick.

Patrick!

Have you seen him?

Maybe he's flown back south.

Uh, oh!

Ssh!