Locustium Insectium So Awkward

I can't believe you're defending it.

I'm just saying it's not that bad.

Not that bad? We don't even know what it is.

It's a fascinating creature that we can learn a lot from.

Yeah, the first thing we learn, keep it in the hutch.

Unfair! Cuddles was just being friendly. Right, Mrs Edwards?

SHE CRIES

He's a monster.

Don't listen to her, Cuddles.

She's right, Jas. That, young lady, is not a pet.

Now, this is a pet.

GROWLS AND SNARLS

SCREAMING

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I must get him to stop doing that.

And then we all ran away.

I know it was just a dream, but it was so real.

Luckily I don't think there's much chance of that actually happening.

-No, obviously.

-Hiya.

-What?

-You know very well, what.

That, young lady, is not a pet.

Now, this is a pet.

THEY SCREAM

Aww! Nibbles is such a cute little gerbil, don't you think?

# Oh-uh-oh

# Uh-hu, uh-hu

# So, so, so, so

# So, so

# Uh-hu, uh-hu, uh-hu

# A-ar, a-ar ,a-ar

-# So,

-so,

-so,

-so

-# So,

-so,

-so,

-so

# So awk-ward! #

Who's my iddle-biddle locusts?

Yes, you are.

You're so cute with your widdle thoraxes

and your iddle-biddle exoskeletons.

I can't decide who's cuter. Loakie or Custy?

They're not pets, Jas, they're a biological study.

I know, my interest in them is purely scientific.

Have you made them little hats?

-They looked cold.

-Unbelievable.

-What is it with you and pets?

-I don't know what you mean.

Fetch! Fetch!

Go on! Go on!

Some food.

You were such a cute bunny.

I am not a pet and they're just a biology assignment.

-What?

-Please tell me that isn't our biology assignment.

Well, it is about them and it's only polite to let them read it.

I think they like it.

-How can you tell?

-Well, they're eating it.

Right, I'm going to go ask Ollie for his copy.

It'll be nice to have a sensible conversation for once.

Who's my iddle-biddle phone? Yes, you are.

You're so cute with your widdle operating system

and liddle-biddle data add-ons.

Watch this.

Appli-KATE... That's her name.

What is my timetable for today?

Today, you have maths followed by French.

I checked your homework and you made three spelling errors.

How can she check homework?

I am installed with innovative voice recognition software.

She answers any question in ten seconds.

It's like magic.

Not really, she's just a smartphone, right?

Maybe, but a smart phone is better than a scruffy one.

-HE LAUGHS

-Good one, Kate.

She's like you...but funny.

We should probably go.

Yeah, I'll be right behind you, Kate.

Martha. I meant Martha, obviously.

It was an honest mistake.

What do you think, Dad? Loakie ate all his breakfast,

but Custy is still looking a bit peaky.

Doesn't your dad have stuff to do?

I don't know, ask him yourself.

There you are, you two!

Look at you with your little faces.

I'm guessing he doesn't mean us, right?

Are you off your food, Custy?

Does he look off colour to you?

He's a locust, they're meant to be green.

Let's cheer him up... with some lunch.

I've got pizzas or fish fingers.

-I don't think locusts eat pizza, Mr...

-Napkins!

I've got them in my locker, Dad.

Again, napkins, not so much a locust thing.

They need some air. I'll move them to the window.

-No!

-Oh!

Oh, my.

Don't panic, we still have plenty of time to get them down

-before Jas...

-Before Jas what?

No. Not Loakie.

Custy too?

-I'm afraid so, sweetheart. They've both gone...

-They're next door.

They've gone next door.

We put them there so we could...

-Clean the tank?

-Yes!

So dirty. Urgh!

Urgh! Horrible, filthy.

Is this true?

Yeah, why not?

Can I see them?

-OTHERS:

-No!

Because they're...sleeping.

But don't worry, they'll be right back and wide awake

-tomorrow morning.

-Amazing! I guess I'll see them then.

What are you doing?

I've got an exam in here in five minutes.

I need to get them out before...

..that happens.

All right, class.

For what it's worth,

I think Ollie's mad, dumping you for Kate.

Ollie's not my boyfriend, I haven't been dumped.

Ollie dumped you?

I never even knew you were going out.

That's because we weren't, so...

Come here.

Look, it's perfectly normal to feel sad.

Second best.

-Rejected.

-But the important thing is that you don't take it personally.

-I don't.

-Use this as an opportunity.

Don't get bitter, get better.

Get it into your heads, OK, Ollie's not my boyfriend,

and I wasn't dumped.

It's such a shame.

Martha, why is everyone saying Ollie dumped you

when you're not even going out?

Wow! Made-up news travels fast.

Why are you wearing a T-shirt that says "locusts are evil"?

Subliminal messaging.

I thought if I wore this and put these posters up around school,

then maybe Jas will go off locusts.

Good luck, Jas has never had a normal pet in her life.

Say that again.

Jas has never had a normal pet.

You are a genius.

Who cares if Ollie dumped you?

For the last time, we are not...

Ollie, finally.

-Did you know people keep saying...?

-One sec.

Kate's just breaking down the nutrients in my sandwich.

-Don't I usually do that?

-I do it in ten seconds.

She really does.

-Yeah. Do you have time for a chat?

-Er...

Negative. You are scheduled a toilet break in one minute...

Yes, maybe later.

..followed by 30 minutes of library time.

Oh, right. Maybe much later.

You let your phone tell you what to do?

What is she, your mum?

Kate merely organises my schedule.

I'm still my own man.

Go to the toilet. Go to the toilet.

I'd better go.

-WHISPERS:

-She gets a bit antsy when I'm late for stuff.

Yeah...

It's hit me pretty hard as well.

I still can't believe you did this.

Can we really keep him?

For the last time, he's next door's, and he's due back in an hour.

Can I come down now?

One second.

So, we're agreed? We introduce Benji, Jas falls in love with him,

wants a puppy, locusts forgotten, job done.

HE SOBS

What?

Just thinking about those little locust guys trapped up there.

Loakie's afraid of heights.

Sorry.

OK, sweetheart.

Oh, wow!

You've got grapes!

I wonder if Loakie likes grapes.

Aren't you going to say hello to our new friend?

Hi. Custy does that exact same thing but way cuter, obviously.

Grape?

Do you know anyone with a kitten?

Right...

Plan C. Can you come into school tomorrow?

Well, if it will help my little angels.

Well, yeah, it will help me and Jas because...

You're talking about the locusts, aren't you?

Hello? Is this customer services?

-Yes, it is.

-Yes, I'd like to report a theft.

-OK.

-The Appli-KATE software has stolen my friend.

-Stolen?

-Yes, that's what I said, stolen.

They're inseparable and now it's completely replaced me.

Is there a friendship department or can I talk to your manager?

PHONE DISCONNECTS

Hello?

What am I doing?

Good morning!

OK, it's not just a bad dream.

-How can I help you?

-Lunchbox.

I mean, Jas forgot her lunch in the box, which is here, and so am I.

See?

-Oh!

-Oh...

Er... Er... Er...

-Raspberry?

-How nice.

I think I'll head off.

-That would be an idea.

-Yeah. I'll just take this,

borrow the ladder and get out of your hair.

Of course.

Borrow the what?

Oh!

-Ta-da.

-Chess For Champions, three.

It finally came.

-It's got an amazing chapter on ten ways...

-To play a pawn.

I know. Kate suggested it last night.

Kate's amazing at chess.

She does this really cool move, where all she does is...

Why can't Martha and Kate just get along?

Girls are complicated.

Kate isn't. That's why she's special.

You've got it bad.

-Is she pretty?

-Oh, her HD display is quite impressive.

Right.

-Net.

-Net.

-Ladder.

-Right here.

-Fake insect fact sheet.

-Check.

OK, gentlemen. Let's do this.

Operation Fool Jas Into Thinking The Locusts Have Been Taken

To The Biology Lab, Which Buys Us Time To Rescue Them From The Light -

phase one.

That name could do with a bit of work.

-No.

-Yes.

-Seriously?

-Totally.

Let me get this straight.

While cleaning the tank,

you noticed a very unusual mark on my locusts'...

-Head.

-Back

Er... back and head, all over.

And that was when you realised they were a rare breed of locustium...?

Locustium insectium, yeah.

Never before seen in this country,

and they're currently being verified by Mrs Edwards in the biology lab?

I know. It's almost impossible to believe.

But it's all in here, in this latest scientific research paper.

Bug Facts For Kids.

It was all I could find.

You must think I'm an idiot.

Why didn't you tell me sooner? There's so much to do.

We have to inform the British Bug Association.

Change the tank.

We should tell TV presenter Nikita Stricken.

Nikita Stricken, she's great. I've got her book I Love Bugs.

-I'll e-mail her.

-But I doubt she'll reply to us, right, Mr Malone?

I must have e-mailed her 50 times.

I'll tell her it's an emergency.

Right, phase two.

We just need to make sure we get someone to...

-Oh, boy!

-I should do this bit.

We don't want any accidents.

Schedule alert, toilet break.

-Not now, Kate.

-Go to the toilet.

Go to the toilet.

I...am going to the toilet, Kate.

I'm going right now.

-Go to the toilet.

-All right!

Listen, this is silly.

If you make Ollie happy, then that's great.

I hope we can be friends.

I'm sorry, I don't understand the question.

Well, it's not really a question.

Request denied.

-I'm just trying to be friends here.

-Request denied.

-But...

-Request denied.

-Just...

-Shutting down.

Why does it have to be this way?

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Hey! What are you doing? Get off her!

-Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

-Ollie, please, I can explain.

-Intruder alert!

-I hope someone can. My office now.

Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

It's OK, Loakie.

Custy.

Daddy's here.

Whoa!

She's here.

Hurry up! She's coming!

The door's stuck.

Did anyone know the door was stuck?

Weird. Is that mine?

I'm going to go and check on Mrs Edwards. See you later!

Disaster averted.

Whoa! Argh!

Oh!

Oh!

Martha, you can't be cross with Ollie just because he dumped you.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

-Would you like me to tell you?

-No!

-Unbelievable.

-Yes, it is. A talking phone.

-Is it real?

-Yes, I'm definitely not phoney.

THEY LAUGH

A talking phone that tells jokes.

Plus, she can answer any question in ten seconds.

Where did you get her?

I am available to download from a number of websites.

Great!

So, can we go?

Yes, yes, yes. Stay out of trouble, you three.

You three?

You have to choose, Ollie - me or Kate. Which is it?

Please, you don't know what you're asking.

It's complicated, Martha. Kate has feelings, too.

She's not even a proper person.

That's a horrible thing to say.

Come on, Ollie.

Seriously?

Hello, Appli-JANE.

I'm so excited to meet you.

Download complete. Yes!

I know you've got them, Mrs Edwards. Lily told me.

Hamsters, you say?

No! Locusts! Locusts!

-Please, you have to find them!

-This is getting daft.

-Jas...

-No, you don't understand.

Nikita Stricken is on her way right now.

Really? What, lovely, smiley Nikita Stricken off the telly?

Yes, she e-mailed me this morning.

What were you going to say?

Where did you put the locusts, Mrs Edwards?

Think!

I am Appli-JANE. May I help you?

Tell me a joke.

Here is your nearest launderette.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The human body has 206 bones.

No. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Chicken.

Searching for recipe for sausage casserole.

-How you doing?

-I don't know.

I'm up, I'm down.

My head's saying one thing, but I've got to listen to my heart, you know?

When the time's right, you'll know what to do.

Does Kate understand?

It's not really in her programming.

OK.

Maybe I can speak to her?

Sure.

You want me to call her?

I'm Appli-KATE. Happy to meet you.

Please, tell me you're joking.

What?

Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.

Allow me to introduce ARON-APP.

I answer any question in five seconds.

Five seconds? Wow! Amazing.

How long does yours take, again?

All we had to do was stick to the story.

Now we've got two missing bugs

and Nikita Stricken coming to visit an empty tank.

Hello, Auntie Simon.

We have to put her off.

No, we can't cancel lovely, smiley Nikita.

I want her to sign my book.

-I think we should go to the moon.

-I've heard worse ideas today.

When did you last see the locusts?

-I was up the ladder...

-OK.

And Jas came in with the tank, and...

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# Ee-aye ee-aye-oh

# And on that farm he had... #

Maybe we should just tell Jas the truth. She'll understand.

Are you kidding? She loves her locusts.

She'll never forgive us.

If we have to cheat, steal, change our names and move to Peru,

we are keeping this going.

And if I go down for this, so help me, I'm taking you both with me.

HE CONTINUES SINGING

Enough with the singing!

Oh.

Think. Where did they go?

-I put them in the lunchbox.

-OK, this is good.

Jas eats lunch at 1pm, which means we need to get to her...

In the next five minutes.

Knock-knock.

The capital of Honduras is Tegucigalpa.

DISTANT CHEERS

-Ohhh!

-Yeah?

Well, your device doesn't even have wireless charging as standard.

Ohhhh!

Yeah? Well, at least my dual core processor is over 1.5 gigahertz.

-GIRLS CHEER

-Meow!

Everyone knows a single core CPU can outperform a dual core

if it has a greater clock speed.

BOYS CHEER

What is going on in here?

Martha started it.

I had no idea things were getting so out of hand.

I'm afraid there's only one way to settle this.

Call our parents?

It's gone way past that, Martha.

We're going to have...a phone-off!

That's right - two phones, ten questions and a battle to the end!

But there hasn't been a school phone-off

since the battery charger incident of 2012.

I realise that, but I don't see any alternative.

Sure, why not make it 20 questions while you're at it?(!)

Good idea. Go and get them.

-No, I didn't mean...

-Let's do this! Yay!

THEY CHEER

-You OK?

-Yeah, I just love break time.

Right, I need 20 questions.

Will these do?

Bug Facts For Kids? Cool!

Erm, really?

Do you want a sandwich?

No, I was just looking at...

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh...it was just a bit of lettuce.

You might want to dial down the crazy before Nikita gets here.

Don't worry. Compared to next door, this is normal.

I don't think today can get any weirder.

-Did I tell you that I read your book I Love Bugs?

-Yes.

Yeah?

Meow!

And you don't remember any of my e-mails?

No, sorry. Is he OK?

I'm better than OK.

I'm the king of Spain!

Hi, Jas. Thanks for inviting me.

Thank you for coming. Do you want to go straight through?

Oh, what's the rush? Maybe she'd like to have lunch first.

-She's not hungry.

-She looks hungry.

-Just the locusts will be fine.

-Really?

Most people prefer a sandwich.

Fine. I've got some left over in my bag.

Lily, can you hold my bag, please?

Lily, what are you doing?

Help! Those zebras have stolen the Crown Jewels.

And this is why I stick with bugs.

ALL SHOUT

OK!

I want a good, clean fight.

No cheating, no gouging and no rebooting.

Understand? Silence for the first question.

Why do bees hum?

Because they've forgotten the words.

Ha, yes! Yes!

I knew you could do it, Appli-JANE!

-Wait a minute.

-We have a winner!

Hello? 20 questions, you said.

We're only just getting started.

Nobody move! This is an emergency locust situation.

I want my bag back!

Ow!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

What on Earth is going on in this school?

You're not as smiley as you are on TV, are you?

Here you go, fully rebooted.

I don't understand?

Why are you repairing your sworn enemy?

I don't know. I guess he's important to you, and we're friends.

Plus, this way, I can thrash you in a rematch.

You're on!

What's wrong with you?

Loakie and Custy weren't rare after all. They're not special.

This might cheer them up.

It says here they can fly up to 200km a day.

That's pretty special.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

And the other thing I love about the book

-is the way that it's got you in it.

-Right!

You're on the cover, see?

Plus there's loads of pictures of you on the inside as well.

There's space for an autograph there. OK, well...

Thanks very much for coming. Come back soon. I'll e-mail you.

They were in the tank.

But they can't have been.

But they were.

Hi, guys! Guess what I just did? Loakie and Custy are finally free.

They can run and jump and fly as many kilometres as they want.

I mean, yeah, it was a tough decision,

but now I can get new pets.

Two words, guys - stick insects.

OK.

For the tie-break.

What is the temperature in Madrid?

-BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE:

-The temperature in Madrid is 28 degrees.

Can we please just go home now?

Correction - invalid request.

Best of 27?

Come on, we can do this! Whoo! Yes!

Come on!

Come on. Whoo!