The Kiss So Awkward

Hey, your hair's looking great today, Lily.

Oh, thanks, Jas. What a nice thing to say.

Warning! Error detected!

Lily's hair looks exactly the same as always.

Ever since Ollie sold his body to science and became a robot,

he's been even more pedantic.

Yeah. And also better looking!

Anyone for popcorn? Three flavours - haddock and crab, pea and gravel...

mud and carpet!

-Mmm, yummy!

-Delicious!

Anyway, Lily, I have to ask - how are things going with Matt?

-Really well, thanks.

-Warning! Warning!

Boredom threshold reached! Switching off...

ELECTRONIC FIZZLING

I like Matt more and more every day.

He's lovely. And whatever happens,

I'll always be glad to call him my boyfriend.

Aw, cute!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-That'll be him now.

Hi, Lily.

Matt! What have you done?!

I am now...Mattbot.

I donated my body to science to help discover what makes someone

really cool. And they gave me £1,000.

Result!

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC STOPS, SCREAMING CONTINUES

What? Don't you like the popcorn?

Oh, eh, it's all right.

-What flavour is it?

-Haddock and crab.

Noooooooo!

Mmm, fishy!

I can't believe it's finally here.

Journeys To The Deep.

I've been waiting for this ever since Journeys To The Stars.

-BOTH:

-Exemplary.

OK, so the next batch is caramel...

-Yum!

-..and liver.

Ugh.

-Sit down, Jas.

-OK.

I just need to sort out Lily and Matt's relationship.

-What, now?

-Can I point out that this evening is supposed to be dedicated

to the wonders of science,

-not...

-HE SHIVERS

..relationships.

It won't be that long. Have some popcorn.

I am not eating that. Your hand's been in there.

That could be harbouring a billion bacteria.

Things are going very well with me and Matt, thanks for asking, Jas.

In fact, I've got big news.

I can now eat in his presence without choking!

-Shush!

-Anyway, I have to ask the big question -

what was your first kiss like?

Right, that's it! Ollie does not talk about kissing.

I'll watch this on catch-up.

There hasn't been any kiss!

So you're still not really going out, then?

Well, I'm 60% sure we definitely...

-might be.

-Why do you think that?

-The no-choking thing.

Still not really going out, are we?

-Probably not.

-Martha?

Even I know you're not and I'm not even listening!

Then it's clear what I've got to do.

Stop talking? Go to another room?

I've got to kiss Matt!

Even when the deep sea submersible

stumbled across a rare breed of sea cucumber,

they still kept talking.

It's sickening to see science treated with such contempt.

OUT OF TUNE PLAYING OF TIN WHISTLES

It's not even like they were talking

about anything interesting, just all about kissing.

A truly disgusting habit. Just imagine the germ transfer rate.

I won't even let my mum kiss me!

I made this especially.

It's not often you hear Mozart played on the tin whistle.

There may be a reason for that,

but thank you nevertheless to the Witty Whistlers.

Now, today I want to talk about comfort zones.

We all like to feel comfortable.

I presume that's why Miss Jackson always wears a tracksuit.

Someone needs to tell her that Miss Jackson's the PE teacher.

But, sometimes, playing it safe can mean you limit yourselves,

because when you step outside your comfort zone,

amazing, life-changing things can happen.

Isn't that right, Mr Malone?

Now, stepping outside your comfort zone...

Did you hear what she said?

When she starts talking, I recite the periodic table in my head.

If we want to be truly great,

we have to step out of our comfort zone, Ollie,

and our science project is the place to start.

Great idea. How about instead of typing up our results

in Times New Roman, we go crazy and do it in...

Helvetica instead?!

I was thinking of an even bigger challenge.

I refuse to do it in Comic Sans.

Germs! We could research the transfer of germs

from various contaminated sources onto a human subject.

And where are we going to find someone insane enough

to act as that subject?

-Absolutely not!

-Germs are your kryptonite, Ollie!

This is a chance for you to step out of your comfort zone

and challenge yourself.

I really think Mrs Griggs' speech was a sign!

No, THIS is a sign!

And it most definitely says no to germs.

Very well. Obviously you're happy

with us becoming merely mediocre scientists

and not the first people to win three Nobel Prizes.

Gah!

All right, then. I'm in.

Works every time.

Do you want to be my partner for the science project?

I thought we could do,

"Can science explain why my hair always acts weird

"when I'm late for school?"

I can't. I'm going to ask Matt to be my partner.

-Fun!

-Fun?! Fun?!

This is NOT about fun!

This is about my future happiness,

my self-esteem and my entire sense of wellbeing.

Wow, you really want to get an A on this project.

I don't care about the project!

Well, that's not true,

but I also care about being Matt's girlfriend,

and if we're partners, it gives us more time alone.

For the kiss! Great plan, Lily.

Isn't it?! It's a great plan! Great!

OK, Lily, you need to breathe out...

and in...

and in again.

There he is! You can ask him now, but don't forget to keep breathing.

That's really important.

Wait! People who are going to kiss always eat mints.

Eugh.

Breathe and eat mints.

Breathe and eat mints.

-Matt!

-Oh, hey, Lily.

SHE CHOKES

Are you OK?

SHE GULPS

Yep! I'm good.

Erm, I was just wondering if you

wanted to do a science project together.

I was thinking about doing the history of heart transplants.

We could do something really good if we put our lips together.

Heads! Heads together.

Yeah, I'd love to put our heads together.

-Really?

-Yeah, of course.

You're, like, the cleverest person I know.

-So, come to mine at half four?

-Done.

-Great!

(Yes!)

The surgeon begins by performing a median sternotomy.

He opens the pericardium and the great vessels are dissected.

Wow! This shows the whole process of a heart transplant

from beginning to end.

You can sit a bit closer, if you like.

-To look at the pictures, I mean.

-No, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, right.

The detail in this is so amazing.

It's almost like you're there while they're transplanting the heart.

-Yeah.

-The patient is attached to the cardiopulmonary bypass.

A portion of the left atrium is...

MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

Matt!

-Sorry?

-You don't want to miss this.

It's the cardiopulmonary bypass!

Cardiopulmonary!

I thought they were definitely going

to transect the cardiopulmonary vein,

but no, look, it says the aorta.

Yeah...

Listen, I'm a bit tired. I think I'm going to go.

But wait, erm...

I fancy a mint. Do you want a mint? How about we take a break?

Sit close together and...

-eat mints?

-No, I'm OK.

See you tomorrow.

OK, so I will eat a spoonful of yoghurt

and then you will eat a spoonful.

OK. Think I can do that.

-With the same spoon.

-You fiend.

I did it! I did it!

I left my comfort zone.

-Mission accomplished.

-Excellent!

But, for phase two, we're going to need

some more contamination sources.

And I know just the place to get them.

-Are you OK?

-Yep, I'm absolutely fine.

Cos you've been really quiet ever since you asked

if you could look under my bed this morning.

Please! I'm still having flashbacks.

At last! How did it go with Matt?

I was so excited to find out.

I even left without having my breakfast.

So I brought it with me.

It didn't go that well.

I think I talked about medical procedures just a tiny bit too much.

Lily, you're meant to be trying to get him to kiss you.

I know! But heart transplants are just really, really interesting.

You have to focus harder. If you want to achieve anything,

you need to be totally dedicated to the task in front...

Ooh, nice scrunchie!

Mr Malone!

I must congratulate you on the great work coming out of your form.

Ollie certainly seems to be out of his comfort zone.

He's not the only one. Anyway, must get on with this marking.

I do hope he'll overcome his fear of germs.

I mean, imagine having to go through life

never being able to get close to people.

After all, what would we be without the warmth of human touch?

Erm, not sure.

Going to go and find out...

right now.

What even is it?

-Jas' hairbrush.

-Where's the brush?

Somewhere in the middle.

Now, I want you to bury your face in it for five seconds.

No. No, please!

-You have to leave your comfort zone.

-I'll do anything else.

Anything! I'll...

-I'll lick money!

-Nobel Prize, Ollie.

If I don't make it out alive, donate my body to science.

HE INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY

Whatever you do, don't open your mouth.

What was that?

Nothing.

I think we should definitely include this cross-section

of a coronary artery showing signs of calcium deposits, because...

You have to focus harder!

Anyway, enough about that.

So...

do you know what a heterotopic heart transplant is?

Doesn't everybody?

It's when the recipient's heart and the donor's heart

are connected, so it's like two hearts become one.

I think I've got a photo somewhere.

-THROUGH HEADPHONES:

-'Welcome back to Football Triumphs,

'the best goals scored this week...'

Mr Malone, can I talk to you, please?

I can't change your mark on the last test, Matt.

For outline the causes of World War I,

you put, "Some dude got shot."

Yeah, Archdude Ferdinand.

Duke. ArchDUKE.

Anyway, it's not about that.

It's sort of awkward... There's a situation, and I just feel like...

-You feel like you're trapped?

-Right, and...

You can't see a way out.

And it keeps getting worse and worse and worse.

-That's it, and...

-Every time you look around, there she is.

And she's doing that thing with her eye.

What? Whose eye?

And you don't know what to do. You know you've got to do something.

Goodness knows, you've got to do something!

So what you're saying is I should face it like a man?

What? No!

No. If there's a dangerous bull right in front of you,

you don't try and stare it down.

You run. You run and you keep on running.

HE SIGHS

OK. Kissing tips.

One - get him alone. It's the only way.

Tip two - compliments.

If you want someone to kiss you, you have to compliment them.

About what, though?

I've run out of things to say about his hair.

Choose something else. Anything.

Tip three - get really close to him.

-How close?

-Up to you.

I'd say between five to eight millimetres.

That's close.

Four - look at his eyes, and then his mouth, and repeat.

There you are, Lils. Can I have a quick word?

Alone.

Sure.

By the way, Matt, I like your...

..laces.

-Do you?

-Yeah, they're really...

..lacey.

So, not only do we have all the data we need for our project,

but I'm also cured of my germ phobia. Look.

If I'd seen you wash your hands, I'd high-five you.

Maybe not totally cured then.

Martha, I've done everything you asked.

And I only cried twice.

However, there is still one final germ frontier

you haven't broken, Ollie.

-Kissing.

-Are you mad?

The potential for germ transference is astronomical.

I'd be dicing with death!

Which is, of course, what all the truly great scientists do.

-What do you mean?

-Self-experimentation.

In 1885, Daniel Alcides Carrion

attempted to inoculate himself with blood from an infected wart.

Yes - and then he died.

But they named the disease after him,

and thus he achieved scientific greatness.

OK, I'll kiss someone.

But only if it's the cleanest, most germ-free person we know.

-SIMULTANEOUS:

-That's me.

-That's you.

Ow!

-After you.

-Thank you.

-That's better.

-Yeah, definitely.

-You all right?

-I'm very all right.

It's nice to finally be alone.

Look, Lily, I, er...

This is slightly embarrassing.

It doesn't have to be embarrassing.

-Just go with your heart.

-OK, well...

Basically...

Well, what I'm trying to say is you should never stare at a bull.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Totally.

So, sorry, but I can't be your science partner any more.

What? Why?

Is it because of the jokes?

Like when I said, "I can see your heart's not really in this"?

And, "You really AORTA concentrate!"

No, it's not that. I'm just...

not into it. Sorry.

So it was all in vain.

Ha-ha! "In VEIN!"

Matt!

When I see something I like, Mr Malone, I have to have it.

-Sorry?

-Bean casserole.

I always choose it when it's on.

-Yeah, good.

-Can I grab you, please?

Sorry, what?!

For a chat.

I'd love to, but I'm really busy at the moment.

Well, nonsense, we can chat while you have your lunch.

Because, er... With...

-There was something...

-Sorry, I...

Hmm, hungrier than I thought.

See you later.

-But you did all the right things.

-Well, I obviously didn't.

I can't believe I blew my chance to kiss him.

-Maybe you haven't.

-What?

Oh, no, Jas, this is not the time for one of your

brilliant / not so brilliant at all plans, promise?

I absolutely, definitely, 100% promise.

Why does that worry me?

Oh, Mr Malone, Mrs Griggs wants to see you in her office.

Hold on, Jas, please,

she wants to see ME in her office, as in just me?

-Alone?

-I guess so.

-Now, I need to go.

-Wait, wait - what else did she say?

Now, this is very important, so think carefully.

She said, "Please ask Mr Malone to see me in my office."

Then she asked if I wanted to be in her new maraca band.

But I don't think those two things were connected.

Now, I've really got to go.

Not in there, that's the boys'!

Sorry, emergency!

Must've had the bean casserole.

Look, I know this might not be the best time, but, well,

at least you're sitting down. It's about Lily.

You must know how much she likes you, and so if you like her too,

you should kiss her. Today. Like, soon.

Like, really soon.

You don't have to say anything,

but if you agree, just knock on the door.

KNOCK ON DOOR

OK, great.

Thanks for listening. Bye!

TOILET FLUSHES

You all right, mate?

Question 58.

Have you noticed any of the following

on your body in the last two days?

One - pus-filled spots.

Two - unexplained rashes.

Three - open sores.

-No.

-Right.

Now, on to family history.

Ah! At last.

I've been desperate for you to get here, Mr Malone.

Well, I really can't stay. I've got a thing with...

-the thing.

-Sounds intriguing.

Right, well, let's get straight down to it.

Let's go over by the window.

We'll be able to see what we're doing a bit better.

And so will everyone else!

Now, if I tilt my head back, you should be able to...

No! No, I can't, I'm married.

I mean, well, I'm not married.

Not yet. But I will be at some stage.

Maybe. Anyway, just...

No, I don't want to, and you can't make me.

Well, calm down, Mr Malone, of course I can't make you.

Well, if you don't want to do it, I'll ask Mrs Rennison.

Mrs Rennison?!

To help me with my contact lenses.

They're new and I can't quite get them in right.

They're making me squint and blink terribly.

(Ah, I see. I see.)

Why, what did you think I meant?

Um...

nothing. No, no, just... What you said.

Sorry. I just, I just...

Need to not be...

here!

Easy...mistake to...

Hi, Matt! How did the thing go?

Really well. I think styling my hair slightly to the right

instead of slightly to the left is really working for me.

Not that thing. The "thing" thing.

Jas, I know being a bit, you know, weird, is your thing,

but I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Really? But...

-in the toilet, didn't you hear me?

-Oh, I always have my earphones in.

But then...

who knocked?

Uh-oh!

Thank you for agreeing to help me, Lily.

It's OK.

Some people think the digestive cycle of the earthworm

is not an interesting topic to do a science project on.

I suppose they are sort of fascinating.

This is what I've been waiting for, Lily.

Someone who understands me.

And my worms.

Lily, I...

LILY WINCES

Nothing!

-Eugh!

-OK, so we both have a signal we'll use

if we want to stop the kiss at any stage.

Yes.

I'll wave this Albert Einstein bobblehead.

What will you do?

HE BLASTS AIR HORN

That should work.

OK. So I'll time three seconds on the stopwatch.

Agreed.

Bucket standing by in case of vomiting - check.

-And now we commence kissing?

-No. Now...

we rinse.

THEY GURGLE

And finally...

HE EXHALES

-Ready?

-Ready.

STOPWATCH TICKS

I'm still alive! I don't have to donate my body to science after all!

That's good, Ollie. I'm not sure science would have wanted it anyway.

I don't even know what happened.

I mean, what was Rufus thinking?

I know. Really weird.

This is so awful.

The boy I want to kiss me won't kiss me,

and the boy I don't want to kiss me wants to kiss me.

And I think I swallowed a worm.

I'm just going to give up on this whole thing.

So, we can confirm that kissing transfers more germs

than licking a toilet seat.

It's also infinitely less pleasant.

Any other data to report, Martha?

During the kiss, both subjects reported an unusual feeling

in the stomach, which was likened to...

-BOTH:

-..butterflies.

The really evil types of butterflies.

Yes. So, in conclusion, kissing is not to be recommended,

-and neither of us will ever be doing it again.

-Ever.

APPLAUSE

Next is Lily, who is going to be talking to us about...

I don't want to do this in front of Matt.

It's going to be weird.

-It'll be fine.

-..heart transplants.

See? Weird.

Hood down, please, Matt.

You don't want to miss any of Lily's talk.

This presentation is about the miracle of heart transplants.

-Here's a picture of the operation.

-Please can I go to the toilet?

Matthew Furnish, I'm sure you and your bladder

can wait until after Lily has finished.

Here, the diseased heart is completely exposed

in the chest cavity. Here's a close-up.

You can tell that the blood is oxygenated, because it's bright red.

PUPILS GASP

Give him some room!

-Who's a first aider?

-Lily is!

-She did a course.

-Go on, then.

-Well, I mainly did slings.

-You're the expert here, do something!

HE GRUNTS

Hey, Lils. Glad you're here.

Hey, no worries.

Isn't this amazing?

-What?

-I just had my first kiss with Matt.

-I don't think that that was...

-It's totally amazing!

Right, Martha?

Yeah. Totally.

So, Matt confessed he's scared of blood,

but he didn't want me to think he was a wimp, so he kept it a secret.

That's why he was so weird whenever we were working on the project.

-Isn't that adorable?

-That he was so determined to uphold

outdated and sexist ideas of masculinity that he lied to you?

-Not really.

-Well, I'm just glad we finally kissed.

Now I can stop worrying about it.

And now we can stop talking about it.

What are we going to talk about?

-Why don't we watch Journeys To The Deep again?

-Yeah.

Apparently they find a crab so big it could probably eat us all whole.

Talking of eating, who wants popcorn?

-MARTHA AND LILY:

-No!

-Oh!

-Oh! How are the, eh, contact lenses?

Oh, I took them out.

They were making me terribly uncomfortable.

HE SIGHS