Slang Gang So Awkward

I've invented a machine

that measures the amount of cringe in the human body.

Which I will now demonstrate.

You see, every time something embarrassing happens to you,

it leaves some cringe in your body. This now can be measured.

I bet you win the Nobel Prize for this invention, Jas.

I probably will, Lily. And I'll finally make my mark on the world.

Now, let's switch on and see how much cringe Lily has.

MACHINE BEEPS

Lily! Your cringe levels are dangerously high!

You're literally full of cringe!

If one more embarrassing thing happens to you, you could explode!

-What can we do?

-Don't panic.

I'll use my other invention. Anti-cringe cream.

BEEPING SPEEDS UP

This is supposed to reduce cringe, is it?

You've got to give it a chance to work.

HIGH-PITCHED BEEP

-Too late!

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

-Jas! I was just about to wire up this circuit board.

SHOUTS: Lily, stop, you're dangerously full of cringe!

Well, I am now.

# Ooh-hoo-hoo

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

# So! So! So! So!

# So!

# Ooh ooh-ooh, ooh ooh-ooh, ooh ooh-ooh

# Ooh ooh-ooh, ooh ooh-ooh, ooh ooh

# So! So! So! So!

# So! So! So! So!

# So awkward! #

Calling all budding artists.

Designs wanted for Cranmede's new graffiti wall.

If I could get something on there,

I could really leave my mark on the world.

I think the whole concept of a graffiti wall

-sounds absolutely ridiculous.

-Sorry I'm late.

Traffic. And, er...

Here's Jade with a reminder about her graffiti wall idea.

-Yes, Martha.

-Brilliant idea, Jade.

-Graffiti wall, that's fantastic.

-Thanks, Martha.

Um... So, the deadline for entries is tomorrow.

Remember, your designs can be about anything you're interested in.

And there's a special spot in the middle of the wall

-for a cool slogan.

-An appropriate slogan, please. No gossip.

I don't want to see anything about Mr Harrington getting his hair cut

at a ladies salon.

Not that there's anything wrong with that or that he does do that.

-Just carry on.

-Here are some ideas of what we're looking for.

-Yes, Martha?

-I'm sorry, er... Just, what does that word say?

It looks like "datcher."

What does that mean?

It's a slang word, Martha, it means, like, cool or epic.

Where have you been, Martha?

Even I know what datcher means,

and I am like so un-datcher, it's ridic.

LAUGHTER

-Ridic?

-Don't worry, Martha, I'm sure a lot of people

don't know what datcher means.

I had to explain it to my granny only the other day.

LAUGHTER

Slang, what's the point of it?

Yeah, it's ridic! ..ulous. Ridiculous.

You can't just go around making words up.

If everyone did that, there'd be anarchy.

I've never heard of datcher either.

I wonder where all these new words come from?

Well, the only logical explanation is someone is making them up.

Yes, but who is this mysterious slang creator inventing new words?

I wish I knew. I could tell them to stop it.

I'm going to find out.

I could interview them for my new blog. "Jas Salford Investigates."

What? It's a thing!

How are you going to find them?

I suppose I'll have to trace datcher back to its original source.

-I love your hair band. It's well datcher.

-Off to make my mark!

Oh, hi, Jas. Found the mysterious slang creator yet?

Well, Natasha says she heard datcher from Leone in 4B,

and Leone in 4B said she heard it from cousin Zach,

and Leone's cousin Zach said he'd never heard of it.

-Oh.

-Still, early days.

-What's that?

-Matt's diary.

I found it at home.

Must have fallen out of his bag when he came round yesterday.

-How do you know it's his?

-Look.

"Property of M Furnish."

Wow! Wouldn't have thought Matt kept a diary.

Suppose it must be full of all his private thoughts and feelings,

and maybe what he thinks about me and stuff.

Yeah, shame you can't read it and find out what he said.

Yeah, I suppose... Can't I?

Why haven't you given it back to him?

Well, I just literally haven't had a chance.

You could give it to him now.

-I haven't seen him about recently.

-He's over there.

He likes to be left alone when he's doing that.

Ah, he's coming over now.

-Hi, Matt!

-How's it going?

Great, apart from my stupid bag.

-The zip's broken so things keep falling out of it.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, I'm losing books, pens, and worst of all, my shin pads.

Oh, good! I mean, bad, obviously.

I'm going to go check lost property. Laters!

Oh! Diary! What am I like?

Well, can't stop. The slang creator won't find themselves.

CHATTERING

SPEECH INAUDIBLE

Ollie, I think we should enter the graffiti wall competition.

Us? Do art?!

I thought we agreed that all artists were obsolete

since Photoshopping.

Yes, but we could use the wall to promote science to the school.

Show them that science is just as cool as...

whatever cool people think is cool.

And entering the competition will impress Jade, of course?

Ollie, really! I'm talking about inspiring our fellow pupils

to be the scientists of tomorrow!

I suppose the future of science

shouldn't rest entirely on our shoulders.

-Exactly.

-So, we need a slogan.

Yes, but no slang, we're not using any stupid, made-up words.

It would have to be something catchy, though.

Uh... How about...

"Science, it has numerous benefits for society."

You've done this before.

-Hi, Lily!

-Oh! Hi, Jas, I was just...

Hoping that Matt's diary would fall open

so you get to read some of it accidentally?

Jas! I would never read Matt's private diary.

Oh, OK(!)

Hey! How about you read it and tell me what he's said about me?

If only I knew what was inside without actually having to read it.

Well, I can't help, I'm close to finding the slang creator.

My prime suspect is a sixth former called Trent Gatsby.

-They say he invented the hi-five.

-I'm not sure he did.

But if he is the slang creator,

I can get my exclusive interview and I get to leave my mark on the world.

What about the graffiti wall?

I know, so many amazing things to do and so little time!

-Here you go.

-Oops!

-Butterfingers!

-Lily...

Ooh, cute pony.

Why would Matt have a picture of a pony in his diary?

-What is it?

-I think that's Trent Gatsby.

The slang creator unmasked. An exclusive by Jas Salford.

Matt likes ponies?

Haven't got long, guys.

They're getting the graffiti wall ready and I've got to get back.

OK, so I know this is just a competition but we would love

some initial feedback to help us choose which one of our designs

-to put forward.

-OK. Yeah, sure.

"Science, the only way to truly understand anaerobic respiration."

-Very good.

-That's not even the best one. Ollie?

"Science, despite what many people would have you believe,

"it's just as much fun as maths."

Oh, are you serious?

Lily, you forgot this.

Thank you!

Number nine.

"Science makes an excellent career choice for people

"with a love for sitting still and measuring things."

Well, what do you think?

Um... Well...

I know, they're all so good, it's hard to choose, right?

Yeah, I mean, I love the fact that you're promoting science.

-That was my idea.

-But your slogans can be a bit cooler.

Oooh...

I hope you're not suggesting we use slang? They're just made-up words.

A lot of great words are made up. Someone made up internet and e-mail.

-Yeah, but those...

-Ollie, Jade's right. Those words are brilliant.

-Made-up words are OK.

-But you said...

-Ollie! Come on.

We've got work to do.

We can use science to invent a totally new slang word.

-We can use it in our slogan and make science cool.

-We can?

-Yes!

And I'll finally show Jade just how cool I can be.

SQUELCHING

Er, Martha...

-You appear to have stepped in a pot of paint.

-I know.

Don't draw attention to it.

Hi, Cassie.

Hello...?

It is very important to chew 20 times

before swallowing to aid digestion.

Plus, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Right, well, just wondering if you'd seen a diary around anywhere?

-A diary is here.

-Oh, great! I've been looking everywhere for that.

I don't suppose either of you read any of it at all?

Why would we read it?

Well, strange book lying around.

No-one would blame you if you were curious

and decided to read some of it.

-I opened it.

-Really? Did you see anything about me?

-Any mention of Lily at all?

-I didn't read anything.

I saw it was a diary and therefore private.

-I was simply looking to see who it belonged to.

-Oh.

-It belongs to an M Furnish.

-Yeah, my friend Matt. I'll give it to him.

-How can we trust you to return it?

-It's OK.

Lily is a friend of my cousin Ollie. She's very honest and very good.

And always does the right thing.

That's right. I do.

-Oh!

-Trent Gatsby?

-Yeah?

-Jas Salford, journalist.

-Is that a bus pass?

I'm asking the questions.

My sources tell me you're the coolest sixth former in school

-and you invent all the slang.

-Yeah, I do.

Before I came along, "sick" just meant not very well.

-PHONE:

-'Liar!'

-Oh, dear, Mr Gatsby.

-It looks like you're not being very honest with me.

-What do you mean?

This is my new lie detector app.

It measures the stress levels in the voice

-and can tell if people are fibbing.

-Really?

All right, all right.

Well, maybe I didn't invent sick, but I made up "blixy".

-Blixy? What does that mean?

-It's just, like, something really boring.

-And what do you know about the word datcher?

-Yeah, that's one of mine.

-I made it up.

-'Liar!'

-Try again, Mr Gatsby.

-All right, all right, all right.

I heard Mia say it, my little sister.

I thought it sounded cool so I copied her and told everyone

that I made it up, OK?

-'Ain't that the truth!'

-Finally we learn the truth.

I warn you, no more lies, Mr Gatsby.

-HE LAUGHS

-You can't frighten me.

-I'm not scared of a little girl like you.

-'Liar!'

SNORING

Lily. I was just planning a lesson in my mind. Can I help you?

Yeah, I was just wondering if you could maybe

-check the spelling in this?

-Can't you see I'm really busy?

It won't take very long. If you could just take a look at this page?

Anything on there that catches your eye? The word Lily spelt right?

-Well, I can't see the word Lily on there.

-Oh.

-But I do know that unicorn doesn't have a K in it.

-Unicorn?

Yes, so go outside and get some fresh air, please,

I've got to get some work done.

Matt likes ponies and unicorns?

-Aaargh! Mia!

-Hi, Jas. Hiding from someone?

It's ready. The world's first ever slang generator.

I knew we could do it. It's obvious, really.

Hook a computer up to every online dictionary and programme it

to use a random set of letters to invent an entirely new word.

I'm excited, Martha. Here we are at the birth of an original new word.

One that's never been said by anyone in the world!

BEEPING

Well? What's the word?

"Cat."

Cat! What a strange and unusual word.

Unfamiliar, alien, and yet it sounds like it's been around forever.

Ollie! Cat is already a word.

You know, furry pet, goes meow?

Right.

Well, it's a new computer programme, probably needs some tweaking.

Try it now.

Well?

-I guess I'll never find out what's in this.

-I've got it!

How about you swap diaries,

so that you both find out what you've written about each other?

What?! Matt read MY diary? I'd hate that.

Oh, yeah. I'll give it back to him tomorrow.

Wow! There's, like, 100 videos here.

-"Lily gets her verruca checked?"

-Yeah, my mum videos everything.

Here it is. Lily's birthday.

Now, Mia said the first time she heard the word datcher

was at your birthday party.

So the slang creator must have been here.

PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

CHATTERING

Oh, look, it's that dreaded birthday cake my mum made!

Oh, yeah. I must have been allergic to something in that.

-Made me sneeze like mad.

-Yeah, make everyone sneeze, Jas.

My mum put six spoons of black pepper in it.

Cow, sheep, chicken...

Are you sure it's not an animal name generator you've invented, Ollie?

Teething troubles.

I'd like to see Tim Berners-Lee invent the World Wide Web

in the time between getting back from school and having his tea.

But the designs for the wall competition have to be in tomorrow!

I still don't see what's wrong with our old slogans.

What about...

"Science. Not as boring as people say."

Just try again, please.

HE SIGHS

BEEPING

Blixy?

-That's another animal, isn't it?

-No, it isn't.

Blixy, that's a new word. That's an actual new slang word.

-Ollie, you're a genius!

-Science is blixy.

Hey, WE are blixy!

I can't believe my mum recorded the whole party.

We have to stay awake. The slang creator must be here.

Oh, look, here's where I beat you at musical chairs. Oh, yeah.

Hey! You sat down before the music stopped.

-No, I didn't.

-Yeah, you did.

-I'll rewind it and show you.

-We don't have time.

Oh, look, here's me eating your birthday cake

before I even knew there was pepper in it.

'This cake is so...datcher!' SHE SNIFFS

What did you say?

'This cake is so...datcher!' SHE SNIFFS

'Have you tried the cake? Apparently it's datcher.'

I sneezed datcher!

I'm the slang creator! I've already made my mark on the world.

-Sardines for breakfast? Nasty, smelly things.

-My brain likes them.

Oily fish is good for brain function

and I need a good idea for my design for the graffiti wall.

Maybe your brain needs a bit of a rest.

You're always giving it stuff to do.

-What about your search for the slang creator?

-Oh, I've done that.

-It was me all along.

-You?!

Yeah, I sneezed a word, "datcher", and it caught on.

That's brilliant!

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I was going to interview the slang creator for the school newspaper

but I can hardly interview myself.

Could I?

-No.

-I remember when I was your age,

I invented the phrase "cool your jets."

It was the best thing anyone had ever heard.

Everyone was saying it and I was the coolest boy in school. Look.

-I carry this everywhere.

-Wow! "Cool your jets". What does that mean?

Ease off the gas.

Mellow your jello?

Well, anyway.

"Cool your jets" lasted the whole summer, then someone came up with

"chill your beans" and no-one ever said it again. Oh, well.

No point living in the past.

-Hey, thanks, Dad.

-What for?

Hey!

-What about your sardines?

-Don't need them any more.

HE SNIFFS

I forgot my scarf.

Probably don't need it.

"Science is blixy." It's so catchy.

It's ground-breaking, unique and cool.

BELL RINGS

-End of break, that's the deadline.

-See, Ollie?

Science came through for us in the end.

Well, the slang generating machine was my invention.

-Let's not argue about who did what, Ollie. Let's just thank science.

-OK.

-And as it was my idea to use science, let's also thank me.

-Er...

"Science is blixy." But that's Trent Gatsby's word for boring.

Science isn't boring.

-I'm really sorry. I've had it ages.

-Oh, you found it!

Yeah, I was going to give it to you but I haven't found the right time.

I haven't read it or anything, I promise.

Lucky for you, bet it's well boring. Full of ponies and unicorns.

-My cousin's mad about them.

-Your cousin?

-Yeah, little Molly.

You know what seven-year-olds are like.

"Property of M Furnish." Molly Furnish, of course!

Oh, it's brilliant you found it.

I was meant to be returning it after she left it at mine.

You know, I actually thought it might be yours.

Me? Write a diary?!

-No way! What sort of baby keeps a diary at our age?

-Yeah! Er...

It's almost as childish as having

a cartoon character pencil case or something.

Yeah...!

CHATTERING

This is so exciting. Imagine if both of our designs got on the wall!

I'm confident our design was chosen, Jas.

It had a great message and it featured a cool new slang word.

-It ticked all the boxes.

-Jade will be so impressed!

-'Scuse me, guys.

-And we'll have inspired

a whole new generation of young scientists.

-Yes, obviously, that's the most important thing.

-Oh, hey, Matt.

-I like your new bag.

-Hi, Lily. Can I get a quick word?

-Sure.

-Well?

-It's my diary.

-But you said...

-I know!

I was worried you'd think I was lame for having a diary.

You know, writing down all my secret thoughts and feelings.

-I don't think it's lame at all.

-Oh, good.

Hey, do you want me to read you some?

-If you're sure you want to.

-I am.

How much longer do we have to wait to see this? This is getting blixy.

Did you just say blixy?

Yeah. It means something really boring.

Blixy doesn't mean boring.

Yeah, it does. I should know, I made it up.

But that means our slogan says that science is really boring.

What have we done?!

"May 23rd. Talked to Lily.

"She's so funny and interesting and cool,

"and even though she's really clever, she never shows off.

"June 7th.

"I love talking to Lily. I think Lily is the nicest person

"I've ever met."

I knew you'd written about me.

June 10th, Lily. June 11th, Lily.

June 12th, Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily.

-VOICE STARTS TO ECHO:

-Lily. Lily. Lily.

Lily? LILY!

-What?

-Are you listening?

I thought you wanted to hear stuff from my diary.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, of course I do.

-Where was I? Oh, yeah.

"3rd March, played football and scored twice.

"5th March, went to Monster Burger.

-"9th March, played football, scored once..."

-OK, what about another day?

"Oh, 8th March. My top five best cars of all time!

"Number five, the Porsche 911.

"Number four, the Ferrari 250 GTO."

Wow, it's great sharing this stuff with you.

Is there anything in there about, you know, people you care about?

Um...

Yeah!

-I do a top 10 of my favourite Premiership footballers?

-Great(!)

"Number 10, Wayne Rooney. Number nine..."

Thank you.

Well, the students have been working hard all week

and we're now ready to unveil our school's first ever graffiti wall.

CHEERING So, without further ado...

I can't bear to look.

CHEERING

Wow, that's my design!

-I got the big spot in the middle.

-Cool your jets!

I made that up!

Well, Dad, I've already made my mark, even if it was an accident.

-I thought your saying deserved a comeback.

-That's brilliant.

Wonderful!

Hey, man. I think you should cool your jets.

In fact I think everyone should just cool their jets. OK?

LAUGHTER

It's back!

How about an interview for my blog, Dad?

Absolutely.

I can't see ours. Thank goodness, we f...

We fai...

Failed? Actually, I don't think we did. Look!

"Science is datcher"?

Someone changed our slogan, they tampered with our work.

-That's outrageous.

-Appalling!

-We should complain.

-Demand an investigation.

Although, this does mean our slogan now says science is cool.

I love it.

-Yeah. It's excellent.

-Absolutely perfect.

But who could have changed it?

Must have been the mysterious slang creator.

"15th August, tried to beat my record of 108 keepy-uppies.

"First attempt, 94, second attempt, 98,

"third attempt, 89, fourth attempt, 12,

"fifth attempt, 69, sixth attempt, 50,

"seventh attempt, 99..."