Girls & Boys So Awkward

Bit more blue stage left, please, Ollie.

OK.

Ollie, we said blue, not red.

That's weird. That should be blue.

How about this one?

Poor ickle Ollie doesn't know his colours!

Of course I know my colours.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-It's probably just a malfunction of the DMX protocol.

Oh, isn't he clever, using big boy words?

Isn't he cute?

What's happening?

-This isn't right!

-Do you want your dummy, Ollie Wollie?

Stop it! I am not a baby!

Are you going to cry, Ollie?

Open wide!

NOOOOO!

Ollie?

-Huh?

-We need more blue, stage left.

Oh.

Sorry. I...

I can't see.

Aren't you wearing your contacts?

Let's just say disposables live up to their name.

Especially when exposed to microwave radiation.

What about your spare glasses?

Those blue ones, with the rubber grips?

He doesn't wear those any more, do you, Ollie?

They're for babies!

Yeah. Those.

As if! I lost them.

Years ago.

Anyway. Here we go.

Let there be light!

ALL: Ollie!

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Is there anything more pointless and humiliating than Drama?

This term, I've been forced to be a tree, a monkey, and now worst of all,

-a boy.

-I don't know.

I always feel more comfortable like this.

What, wearing trousers?

No, wearing a wig.

Lucky it's just a silly play,

because we are the least convincing boys I've ever seen.

BELL RINGS

Great(!) Now we're going to be late for PE!

-I'm getting changed.

-Why don't we just go like this?

Then we only have to get changed once.

But it's against the rules to dress in non-standard clothing.

Except on pre-designated charity event days.

You can get changed and be late, then. I'm going to risk it. Lily?

Lateness, incorrect uniform.

Lateness, incorrect uniform.

OK, you win!

Then, after school, you have a meeting with the governors.

For our monthly cola cube, yes.

You mean catch up, Mrs Griggs?

That's what I said, isn't it?

And tomorrow it's the year ten staff meeting.

Uh-huh. Lemon sherbets. Got it.

You need to stop playing that sweetie-swap game.

It's addictive!

Don't be ridiculous, Mrs Rennison.

I'm not some hopeless, screen-obsessed teenager.

You were the same with the bubble wrap.

You couldn't leave it alone, could you?

Pop, pop, pop, you went!

This is nothing like that.

I could quit this game any time I like.

Hmm.

Just need to get the jellybean jackpot first.

Yes!

Wait! Matt's talking to Natasha Jones, again!

I wish I could find out what he thought about her,

but boys never talk about relationships.

At least we girls can share our feelings, and know we'll always

be listened to. Guys?

Hmm?

Don't worry. Come on.

I mean, I know its UI was designed primarily for touch-screen devices,

not PCs, but in my opinion, it's the best version

of the operating system so far,

precisely because it's so counterintuitive.

That's absolutely fascinating, Ollie.

Have you anything else you'd like to share?

Actually, there was just one other thing.

It's nothing, really.

I just wanted your opinion on these.

The glasses? What's wrong with them?

My nephew's got a pair.

Has he?

Oh, great! I've been worrying over nothing.

This is little Rueben.

He's four years old, and can tie his shoelaces and everything.

Ah.

You, boys! Where should you be?

ALL: PE, Mrs Griggs.

Well, come on, then, lads!

Chop, chop, in you go!

-Miss!

-Miss, no!

-Yes! Go on, then!

SHRIEKS

We have to get out of here!

Why? Think of it as a rare chance to observe a primitive species

-in its natural habitat.

-It's chess practice later.

-Wait!

-And I've got quite a surprise up my sleeve.

-I thought you wanted to get out of here.

-Shh! This is important!

I'll open with a Benko Gambit and sacrifice a pawn.

Martha will never expect that.

Oh, I think she will, Rufus.

I think she will. Come on, let's go.

I don't understand girls.

-Wait!

-I mean, she messaged me, but does that mean she likes me?

-So they DO talk about relationships!

-FART, LAUGHTER

JAS SNORTS

What? It's funny.

Where's my towel?

-Thanks(!)

-BELL RINGS

Wow! That was so interesting!

Who would have thought a boys' changing room would be so...?

Smelly!

So, boys talk to other boys about their feelings, but just not to us.

-Is that right?

-All I know is that it has absolutely nothing to do with

electrostatic particle acceleration.

Er, we're doing geography.

Oh, I finished that earlier.

And as a treat, I'm now exploring the SUB-atomic world.

If only I could be a boy for a day, just to see what Matt really thinks.

-Why can't you?

-Because, hello?

You fooled Mrs Griggs.

Only cos she was glued to her phone.

Then we just make you look MORE like a boy.

-See?

-Really?

-At ease, soldier!

-What are you doing?

Might have got a bit carried away. I've always wanted an Action Man.

How about this?

I look ridiculous.

I haven't finished.

-There!

-Great(!)

Now I look like a ridiculous Harry Potter.

Martha?

Wow! Who let that handsome young man in here?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

I was looking for Lily Hampton.

I must have the wrong house. I do apologise.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Er, no, this is Lily's house.

She's not in at the moment.

-Can I help?

-I was just returning Lily's biology textbook.

I've been brushing up on mitochondrion, which,

-if you didn't know, is...

-Oh, yeah, it's aerobic respiration.

Ah! I see you know your stuff.

I'm Ollie, by the way. And you are?

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Lil...

-DEEP VOICE:

-Liam.

-I'm a boy.

-Oh!

Well, so am I.

Bye, Lil-liam.

-Just Liam.

-Oh, right.

Well, see you.

Waah!

He completely fell for it!

And if Ollie did, maybe Matt will, too.

Exactly. We can do it in the morning break.

I'll help you. Martha?

Count me out! According to the risk assessment I've just run,

the outcome is extremely unfavourable.

Your chance of success is 14,256-1 against.

I'll take those odds.

-GAME BEEPING

-Yes!

Yes.

Oh, it's the candy catcher!

-Double dib-dabs.

-BELL RINGS

I'll watch the door.

-Hurry up!

-YELPS, SPLASH

For the last time, I'm not an action figure!

TOILET FLUSHES

All clear.

Ah, cousin Oliver.

Can you settle an argument for us?

Is this font Times New Roman or Franklin Gothic?

Hiya. Are you three here to sign up for the year seven

-mathletics competition?

-I'm not a year seven.

Ollie! Sorry, I didn't recognise you there.

It's his glasses. They undermine his maturity.

Ooh, Franklin Gothic. I love that font.

I knew that! I knew that!

And sometimes, he undermines his maturity all by himself.

I can't believe you're really going through with this.

Neither can I. I'm getting changed.

-Over here, mate!

-Lily!

Now's your chance.

Kick it!

Tackle him, tackle him, tackle him.

You're in! Go!

14,256-1.

Just saying.

SHRIEKS

-Whose side are you on, again?

-Yours, I think.

I'm Liam, by the way.

Right. Jordan, over here!

I'm a boy. I mean, a new boy.

Sure. On the wing!

So, that Natasha Jones, eh?

-What about her?

-She's really, er...

..fit, isn't she?

Yes, come on!

-What happened?

-You scored!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-I did?

-DEEP VOICE:

-I mean, I did, because that's what I meant to do.

What's your name, again?

-It's working!

-It can't be.

Hi, Martha. Hi, Jas.

Did Liam just score? Wow.

Good at science AND sport.

Is that even possible?

But if we have no culprit, then how can we punish anyone?

Aha. As it happens,

I've uncovered evidence of an illegal incursion

at the time of the blockage.

-You have?

-Yes.

A clear contravention of school rule 13A, sub-clause B.

"Only female pupils aged 18 or under are allowed in the girls' toilets."

Look, I can explain.

It was him.

-Him?

-It was from the CCTV camera at the exact time

-the flooding occurred.

-Really? He definitely did it, then.

And we can safely erase the rest of the footage.

I'll get onto that straight away.

There's a problem, though.

He doesn't match anyone on our school records.

Excellent! I mean, oh, shame.

I guess that's the case closed, then.

Not quite.

We have this phone.

Oh, gobstoppers.

Come on, Lily. Break's nearly over.

You look familiar. We've met before, right?

No. I'm from Newcastle, just arrived.

But you sound like you're from London.

From a different Newcastle.

Near London. Newcastles everywhere these days.

-Right.

-Anyway, that's not important.

Girls, eh? Could live without them, or something.

-Who's your favourite?

-What, girl?

-BELL RINGS

-Yes. Quickly!

Come on, Liam. Don't want to be late on your first day of school.

Yes, I do, I'm not finished!

But we'll never be able to unlock it.

It's probably got a pass code or something.

Never mind!

Which is why we need the help of an expert code-cracking team.

I agree, but where on earth would we find anyone who could...?

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Of course.

-Ah, the Samsonic 33i.

Piece of cake.

Once we've attached the phone,

Ollie will run my special code- breaking algorithm,

and read the results back.

Erm... Or, perhaps, I was thinking

Mrs Griggs might like to do the honours?

It's her school, after all.

Er, OK.

Mrs Griggs.

Erm, yes, but isn't the phone water damaged?

-I've already fixed that.

-But...

-But...

-BELL RINGS

The bell's gone.

You two should be in class.

Right. Well, we'll continue this after school.

Hadn't I better keep hold of this?

It's all right, Mrs Griggs.

No, no. As headteacher, I should keep it safe!

Security comes under my jurisdiction.

Safe and sound.

It was carnage.

Like she was reading my mind.

How can Martha have known I was going to play the Benko Gambit?

How could she have known?

You know, being a boy is a lot harder than it looks.

Why? All they seem to do is laugh at each other's burps

-and hit each other for fun.

-Sounds brilliant!

Interesting. Haven't tried that yet.

Although, I think he needs more time.

Who? Matt?

No, Liam.

He's coming back at break.

You do know Liam's not real, don't you, Lily?

Of course I do!

I just need to find out what he's thinking.

-Who, Liam?

-No, Matt!

Keep up, Jas!

Can I help you?

No, no. Just wondered if you fancied taking a little break.

No, thank you.

How about I tidy the cupboard, you go and get a cup of tea?

No, thank you.

OK. In that case, I'll just check the...

Yes, well, everything's in order.

"Have you seen this boy?"

Not good!

Not good at all.

This is ridiculous.

Pull yourself together, Ollie. Just keep the stupid things on.

Holy Higgs boson! Where did you come from?

Cousin Oliver, I've been meaning to ask why you keep wearing

-your old glasses.

-Because they're the only pair I've got.

Well, good for you.

Very brave. After all,

you don't see Stephen Hawking wearing children's spectacles.

No-one would ever take him seriously if he did.

Ow! Where did that come from?

Anyway, we were talking about relationships.

Were we? I thought we were talking about music.

"LIAM" LAUGHS Ow! What did you do that for?

Oh, for fun?

It's what we boys do, isn't it?

Anyway, girls.

Well, there is this girl called Lily.

Is there?

Yeah, she's clever, funny, easy to hang out with.

When she's not putting her foot in it, of course.

She hates it when she does...

..that. I expect.

But recently, I met someone new.

Natasha Jones, I knew it.

Ah, no. She's just helping me with my history project.

Well, who, then?

Someone unique.

One of a kind.

Isn't that you?

You'd better run.

Oh. Hi, Liam. I was just wondering, where did you get your glasses from?

It's just, I'm looking for a new pair, and yours are really cool.

Very mature. Can I try them on?

-NORMAL VOICE:

-No!

-DEEP VOICE:

-I mean, no.

You'll see me. I mean, I won't be able to see you.

Oh, I'm dead.

Ah, the phantom toilet blocker!

Whoops! Clumsy me!

Please could you help me pick them up, Mrs Rennison?

Unique, one of a kind.

All right, Lily?

-DEEP VOICE:

-Yeah.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-I mean, yeah.

-Who is it?

-Who's what?

Matt's found someone new.

I need to know who it is.

Without stating the obvious, why don't you just ask him?

Because I'm Lily, remember?

I don't even know about it.

Only Liam does.

This is actually getting quite weird.

I was so close!

Liam has to make one final appearance.

But Mrs Rennison's on to him!

-I mean, you.

-Don't you see?

There's no other way.

OK. But then we need to kill Liam off.

Humanely, of course.

Hey, Ollie.

Oh, hi, Rufus.

It's Matt.

Oh, right. Sorry.

I was just thinking, it's hard to believe Liam's a wanted man.

I mean, he's such a model pupil.

Accomplished scientist, a sportsman.

You do realise he's just Lily dressed up, don't you?

-Don't be absurd.

-You didn't know?

There she is now, look.

How can Lily and Liam be the same person?

I see it.

-Oh, dear.

-Whoa!

Those glasses!

Yeah. I know. They make me look silly, don't they?

Oh, no!

They don't look silly. They're, erm, great.

Really?

-You're not just saying that?

-No, they're, erm...

-..retro!

-Are they?

Well, I suppose, in a way, they are.

Ollie? What on earth are those?

These are my glasses, Rufus.

And for your information, they're retro.

Oh!

Ah.

Thank you. Official school business.

Hello, school office.

-ATTEMPTED SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I'm phoning anonymously to tell you

I've seen the toilet boy. He's in the computer room.

Who is this?

-ATTEMPTED SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Bingo!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-I mean, bingo.

-Hey, bro.

-Ow. Can you please stop doing that?

But I thought...

Anyway, you were telling me about the new person in your life?

Oh, yeah. You know when you meet someone, and you just click?

Yeah. Never lasts though, does it?

I don't know. There's something very different about this one.

Wouldn't trust them. Probably a stalker or something.

But I've never met anyone like them.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Just tell me who it is!

-DEEP VOICE:

-Sorry, my voice is breaking.

COUGHS

You do realise that of all the implausible plans

you've ever hatched, this is by far the worst?

I know. I've created a monster.

Help me make it stop.

I think things might be coming to their natural conclusion, anyway.

-Oh, no!

-The other person is...

No kissing in the corridor, boys!

Martha, you've got to delay Mrs Rennison.

I told you I'm not getting involved!

Please. I'll let you do my homework.

Really? OK!

-What shall I say?

-You'll think of something.

I knew it was you all along, Lily.

Hi, Lily.

Oh, butterscotch.

-Ah, Mrs Rennison.

-Not now, Martha.

No, it's really important.

It's about my phone-cracking algorithm.

-But how did you know?

-I know I'm not as clever as you, Lily.

But I'm not that stupid.

Sorry, Matt. Liam urgently needs the toilet!

-You mean Lily?

-He knows.

OK, well, whoever you are, you need the toilet.

Mrs Rennison's coming.

Well, I guess it's loosely based on Alan Turing's cryptographic work at

Bletchley Park. - Mm, that sounds well interesting, Martha!

Can you explain it again in a lot more detail?

I don't have time for this. Step aside!

Where is he?

He went... that way!

Reporting for phone hacking duty, Mrs Rennison.

I'll set up the laptop.

No, no. I'll do it.

It's not a problem. I'll just put on my retro glasses.

Good. Well, it's through here.

GAME BEEPING

One more candy cane to go.

I have to beat it!

Mrs Griggs.

Good!

Well, can't stand here all day.

Isn't that the phone?

How did she unlock it?

I think we've just found our phantom toilet blocker.

So, come on, then.

Why did you dress up as a boy?

I was trying to...

I just wanted to know how you really...

It was for drama class.

Right, if you say so.

No-one would think you're a real boy, anyway.

Why?

Because you're Lily. Unique, one-of-a-kind.

See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow!

Finally!

Time to get that jellybean jackpot!

Come on! Yes!