BFF So Awkward

-Quick, come over here, Lily!

-I'm coming as fast as I can.

That's it, use your frame. Careful you don't fall!

I know how to walk. I'm not a baby.

Oh, yes. I almost forgot!

SMACK! HE GASPS

Isn't she a cutie-wootie, Matt?

Honestly, I could just eat her up!

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

-Agh! Oh!

-SHE LAUGHS

Lily Silky Bum Bum!

-VOICE SLOWS DOWN:

-Have you forgotten to put your false teeth in again?

PROJECTOR WHIRS

SQUEALING

-What are you doing, Lily?

-What?

Nothing.

Oh, and you needn't worry. I remembered to bring your frame.

-What?

-Your picture frame.

You said you needed one for art class.

Are you all right? You look like you've aged ten years.

You have no idea.

Oh, I can't hold it in any more!

I have to tell my little Lily Silky Bum Bum.

Please don't call me that.

It's so exciting.

I'm going to be running a cake stall at the healthy eating food festival.

We'll impress all your friends by selling them

wearing home-made banana outfits.

Excited?

-Um...

-The theme is five-a-day.

That's the amount of times you embarrass me a day.

So our stall will feature cakes containing a mouthwatering mixture

of five fruits and/or vegetables.

People will be talking about it for years.

That's what I'm afraid of!

And I'd like you to be my chief taster/stall buddy.

What say you, partner?

I'll definitely think about it.

-Oh, good.

-OK, I've thought about it. I don't want to do it.

Great! I'll see you later for our first cooking masterclass.

-No, I said...

-Oh, I know, but you don't have to worry.

I'd never embarrass you at school, OK?

Now, scoot.

I love you, Lily Silky Bum Bum!

No offence, but your mum's getting worse.

You need to confront her about it.

It's the only way to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment.

You're right, but I don't want to upset her.

-Then let me do it.

-What?

-Upset her?

-No, let me help her become less embarrassing.

I'm the perfect candidate!

OK, one, I've got 91 years' experience

of coming up with Jas-tastic ideas.

-91?

-In dog years!

And B, what are BFFs for? You'd do the same for me.

-Deal?

-Hmm...

I'll take that as a yes, Jas, absolutely, go ahead!

I was worried you would.

I need the loo.

LOCK CLICKS

BELL RINGS

ALARM BLARES

Ah!

Ow.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Double ow.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

-Where are you?

-I'm trapped in the library.

Normally this would be a dream come true,

but I don't want to miss chess practice.

-LINE BUZZES

-I can't hear you.

What? I can't hear you!

-VOICE BUZZES:

-'You're late.'

-This is awful!

What if Jade thinks I'm skipping chess practice?

What? You're skipping chess practice?

Who's skipping chess practice?

'Martha.'

You're breaking up.

ALARM BLARES

ALARM CONTINUES

ALARM CONTINUES

FIRE ALARM RINGS Agh!

ALARM CONTINUES

Lily!

I need to know, are the dreadful rumours true?

No, Martha didn't skip chess practice.

-She was locked in the...

-What? No!

Is your mother running a cake stall selling cakes she's baked herself?

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, just as I feared!

Well, at least you won't be dressed as a banana!

Message for Mrs Rennison - check the capacity of the school sickbay.

Then build an extension! A big one!

What are you going to say?

Don't panic. Just say the lines that we rehearsed,

and leave the rest to me.

I promise, this cake-baking problem will just disappear.

Ready? Three, two, one, action.

-Oh, hello, you two.

-Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

But, enough of this chatter.

Now, I must go upstairs to the bathroom...

to brush my teeth.

Good idea, Lily. Teeth hygiene is so important.

Yes! I wouldn't want them to fall out when I'm an old lady!

I'll wait here with your mum.

I floss.

-I'm so excited!

-MUM GIGGLES

-I think we're going to have the best stall there.

-Definitely.

Now, there's a lot of vanilla in this, I hope you like it.

Oh, Lily! There you are.

Come and meet my new chief taster.

I believe you two are already acquainted! Ha-ha!

I noticed my Lily Silky Bum Bum wasn't 100% keen to get involved

with the cake stall, but lucky for you, Jas is!

-What?

-Guilty as charged! Me love food.

-Hee-hee!

-Mmm!

-Mmm!

See? We're the perfect team!

And I get to dress up as a banana.

THEY LAUGH

Jas, a word, if I may?

What have you done?

You're supposed to put her off, not encourage her!

Don't you get it? This is perfect.

I'll deflect her powers of embarrassment

away from you on to me. And by way of payment, I get free food!

This is truly one of my most Jas-tastic plans.

OK. Thanks, I think.

What are BFFs for?

You need to hand them out to a focus group of taste buds.

It'll help us see what our big sellers might be.

-Aye-aye, captain!

-Oh, and there's a slice of quiche in there, too.

-I know it's your favourite.

-Thanks, Mrs H.

-Now scoot!

-Mum!

-Oh, sorry, love. I forgot you were there.

-All night?

-Yes.

Mother and I were planning how to keep me on the team,

and then she helped me set a new chess record.

We created a brand-new chess move

-never before seen in the civilised world.

-Can it be true?

It can and it is.

We called it The Jade.

-We called it that to impress Jade.

-Very imaginative.

Thank you. I desperately need some more Jade brownie points,

seeing as she thinks I deliberately skipped chess club.

Er...

Greetings, taste-bud owners! Do I have a treat for you?

Doesn't look like it, no.

This delight is beetroot, cherry, strawberry, tomato

and the secret ingredient - a lot more beetroot!

Honestly, I never realised what an amazing cook Lily's mum is.

You can quit acting now.

-She's not here.

-I'm not acting.

Try one.

Actually, Mother and I skipped breakfast to practise The Jade.

Whoa!

It looks like you're wearing lipstick!

Martha's wearing lipstick?

Not again!

I'm jinxed!

Worse. You're Jas-ed!

Maybe a kilo of beetroot was slightly too much of a good thing?

COMMENTATOR: 'One can only imagine what's going through

'young Martha Fitzgerald's mind.

'It all comes down to this.

'Victory was in sight, but now, trapped into a corner,

'and I just can't see a way out for Martha.

CHEERING 'That is phenomenal!

'A brand-new move, never before seen in the civilised world

'to see Cranmede extend their unbeaten run to ten matches.

'They truly are the invincibles, thanks to Martha!'

-VOICE ECHOES:

-Martha?

Martha?

Why am I here?

'Speak to Martha Fitzgerald sternly about her recent behaviour.

'Is carrying the weight of the whole school's expectations

'ahead of the most important chess match ever causing her to rebel?

'Skipping practice, upsetting Mrs Jones, disappointing Jade.

'Also, buy milk.'

Oh, yes.

And now, lipstick.

-I can explain.

-I hope you will explain!

Where it's from.

I love, love, love it.

It'd look fabulous on me!

I give up!

I just give up!

But Cranmede chess players never surrender.

LOUD PARPING, SHE GIGGLES

PARPING CONTINUES

What are you doing here?

Just dropping off a fresh batch of cakes for Jas.

Well, did you have to do the puffy cheek blowy thingy at the door?

Oh, Jas thinks it's funny.

SHE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

LAUGHTER

Jas's mum is hilarious!

-She's

-MY mum. You wish!

THEY GIGGLE

-We need to talk.

-How did you get in here?

Never mind that, Mrs Hampton.

The important thing is - will you cancel the cake stall?

Very funny, Mrs Griggs! And deprive you of my baked treats?

-Never!

-Quite.

But unfortunately, you can only sell shop-bought food.

It's not my rules, it's the new health and safety rules

-from the Board of Governors.

-Oh, that's ridiculous!

We both know the kids would rather have home-made.

But do we both know that?

Really?

Oh, I get it.

Ah!

You want my home-made cakes more than life itself,

but you can't speak out against that pesky Board of Governors

for fear of losing your job.

So let's leave it unsaid.

Thank you, Mrs Hampton.

-SHE SPEAKS LOUDLY:

-OK, Mrs Griggs! I'll only sell shop-bought cakes.

(Home-made it is.)

Message for Mrs Rennison.

The Board of Governors plan didn't work. Help! I repeat, help!

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Well, darling. Did Jade like The Jade?

Tell me she was impressed and it guaranteed you a place on the team.

-LINE BUZZES

-You have shown her, haven't you?

-Pawn to E4?

-What, Mother?

I can't really hear you. You're breaking up.

Martin, where's my latte?

LOUD SLURPING

It can't be the phone, I did extensive research.

Well, Martin did.

You can't get a better battery life.

Mother? Get a life?

Why would you be so rude to your mum?

What? No, I...

School policy section eight, clause two -

-no make-up...

-To be worn in school. I know.

You haven't just let me down, Martha.

You've let yourself down.

It's not your fault, Jas.

It's me.

It's not your fault, Jas.

It's me.

Stay away from my mum!

-What's up?

-I've changed my mind about this whole Mum situation.

Can you resign as chief taster?

I don't get it. You asked me to help.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit left out.

You wanted out. Thanks to me, your mum's spending less time with you,

-which means less embarrassment.

-I know.

It just feels a bit weird.

I didn't think she was going to start liking you more than me.

That's not something a BFF would say.

I know! It's all coming out wrong. It's confusing!

If only we had some kind of agony aunt or referee

to help you see sense.

-Help YOU see sense, you mean.

-If only there were someone in school

that was kind enough and wise enough to listen, understand and help.

BOTH: Mrs Rennison!

Ssh!

-The clock's ticking.

-I can't concentrate.

-It's your lipstick.

-It's beetroot juice.

It makes you look like your mother! It's confusing my frontal lobe.

It wouldn't come off. What's Jade going to say?

I am horrified!

No, offended! No...

DISGUSTED with you, Martha. Skipping class?

Disrespecting your elders?

Disrespecting chess?!

And lipstick?!

I'm afraid I've got no choice, but to drop you from the team.

-Pardon?

-You're fired.

And you're hired.

NO-O-O-O-O!

I've got to be honest with you, Martha.

I've found your recent behaviour troubling.

I haven't decided who's on the team yet,

but, luckily, we've got some really good players to choose from.

-She's a mum stealer.

-Mrs Hampton is my grown-up BFF.

Do you think she's trying to replace me?

She should be thanking me, not getting the hump.

This morning, my mum called me Jas!

A real BFF would be happy her mum thinks I'm brilliant, which I am!

Ahem!

I agree, Mrs Rennison. I AM in the right.

You're right, Mrs Rennison, I'll carry on as I am.

I've done nothing wrong.

BOTH: You've been a great help.

'School's expectations ahead...'

IT BEEPS

MUM SIGHS

Hello, MasterChefs!

What?

Mum, I printed off some muffin recipes for us to bake.

You might as well head home, Jas. I think I've got it from here.

MUM LAUGHS

Nice one, Lily! You almost had me there.

-The apron was a nice touch.

-Yeah, you little joker.

Now, scoot along. Jas and I have got some serious baking to do.

-But...

-Oh, leave the recipe!

Aw, muffins are Jas's favourite, aren't they?

Yeah. Scoot along, Lily. What a good friend you are.

You're fired, you're fired, you're fired.

I'm hired, I'm hired, I'm hired!

My Martha sense is tingling.

-What's up?

-I'm concerned that my perceived bad behaviour

will result in me being dropped from the team.

Nonsense! Who could replace you?

Well, apart from Cassie, of course.

-Oh, she'd be perfect!

-Ollie!

Can you please show me The Jade chess move?

Prepare to be amazed.

Is it not all you imagined and more?

Yeah, it's a great move. It's just Cassie's been doing that for weeks.

I call this move The Cassie.

SHE LAUGHS

Look who's here!

-Greetings, friend.

-Lily's brought some food for us to cook.

All together, the three of us.

It'll be nice to spend some time with you, Jas.

You've been out so much recently.

When I heard you earlier, I thought we were being burgled!

-Explain yourself.

-Anything you can do, two can play at that game.

I'm mixing my sayings, but you get the gist.

Let's see how you like it, watching me become BFFs with your dad.

Dirty tricks.

However, I must scoot.

Duty calls. And, by duty, I mean your mum.

Those cakes won't bake themselves.

Oh, bye, Jas.

You cook, I'll wash up.

CAMERA CLICKS

TEXT ALERT

CAMERA CLICKS

TEXT ALERT

-ON TV:

-'Hey, who put mustard on my French fries?

'Well, you told me to heat them up!'

We always watch this together.

Oh, sorry, love. It was our reward for finishing all the cakes.

-We can start again if you want.

-When it finishes in half an hour.

This has just got serious!

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

-MARTHA'S VOICE, LINE CUTS OUT

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down!

-I can't understand.

-'We have a...' THE REST CUTS OUT

Have a goat's back? We on a coat rack?

We have a code lilac!

I knew this would happen.

I've been dropped from the chess team and replaced with Cassie.

-HE PANTS

-The lipstick?

Indeed. Someone told Jade

that infringing the school's no make-up policy

means disqualification from the school teams.

I have my suspicions about who told her.

-PANTING CONTINUES

-I have...the solution.

Yes?

High-profile good deeds.

Such as?

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

"We love to be together."

"Speak for yourself!"

TELEPHONE RINGS

I'm sorry, I can't chat, in crisis mode.

So am I. Can I talk to your mum?

Mother! Incoming call from Lily!

-CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

-Speak!

Can you divorce your own mum?

Right. Let's cut to the chase.

Common reasons for parental divorce include...

-Does she refuse to spend time with you?

-No.

She normally wants to spend ALL her time with me.

OK. So, maybe she doesn't do things for you?

No, she's ALWAYS doing things.

She specialises in stuff.

-Does she neglect to feed you?

-It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet here.

It's not always that nice, but...

Well, based on the preliminary evidence you've presented,

the divorce papers would be laughed out of court.

Sounds like you have the perfect mother. Case closed.

CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES

Can you divorce a friend?

You're sure about this?

Public good deeds equal instant brownie points.

Just make sure Jade sees you.

Can I carry your bag?

Cool, thanks.

Meet me at the lockers at lunchtime for phase two!

Oh, Lily. Can you pass this note to Jas when you next see her, please?

-Yeah, sure.

-Thank you.

"Dear chief taster...

"Meet me in the break room after school to prepare the cake stall.

"Mrs H."

SHE COUGHS

Good work, Martha.

Feel free to lend a hand at any point.

Best not. Might dilute the goodness of the deed.

Jas, did Lily give you the note?

No. Lily?

More dirty tricks!

Um...remind me, what did the note say?

Oh, you're not Jas.

Don't I know it! Jas can't help.

She said she had better things to do or something.

Well, that doesn't sound like my Jas.

Who's going to help me set up the stall?

Lily Silky Bum Bum?

Really?

MUM LAUGHS

Let's turn this room into a fruit-and-veg wonderland!

I'll go and get the cakes, stall buddy.

There she is, Miss Dirty Tricks.

Oh, did you not get the note?

My mum's found a new stall buddy now.

Lily Silky Bum Bum.

Did you just say Bum Bum?

-No time to chat, must get on.

-Yes, WE must.

It's true! Jas is helping.

-No, I can do it!

-Message for Mrs Rennison.

Check the school's public liability insurance, then double it.

No, I can do it by myself.

Actually, triple it!

-Jas, get off!

-No, it's fine!

-It's not even funny!

-She's my best friend!

-It's my mum!

Why are you even doing this?

MUM YELLS

THEY GASP

-It's all ruined!

-Listen up, girls.

All is not lost. If we bake through the night,

we'll have a new set of cakes in time for tomorrow's food festival.

But it'll only work if we all work together.

BOTH: All three of us?

No, four.

Jas, this is an edible emergency.

Call your dad.

SHE TAPS A TUNE

ALL LAUGH

How long are we going to keep this up for?

I know! Not being friends is quite tiring, isn't it?

Ooh!

HE TRUMPETS

PARENTS LAUGH

I guess ALL parents are embarrassing.

Must be in their DNA!

Right, chief taster. What say you?

I say that, from today, I resign the post of chief taster.

And I hand over the position to my dad.

MUM GIGGLES

Trust me, this is the ultimate good deed.

No-one wanted this job.

# Mummy said eat 5-a-day Mummy was right!

# Mummy said eat 5-a-day So don't put up a fight!

# Mummy said eat 5-a-day Mummy was right! #

What a great role model.

Well, technically you're a sandwich, not a roll, but...

I think Martha's earned her place back on the team, don't you, Jade?

It's really good to have the old Martha back.

# Mummy said eat 5-a-day Mummy was right! #

Message for Mrs Rennison - remind me to eat five a day.

And remind yourself, too.

Five every day.

You do know I'm right here?

Yes!

I now declare this cake stall...

BOTH: Officially open!

-And the first slice...

-Is going in my cake hole!

CHEERING

I don't know why I was so worried!

They're not embarrassing, they're cute!

I could watch them for hours.

# Doing the cake dance! Doing the cake dance! #

-# Doing the cake dance! #

-SHE LAUGHS

# Here we both are Doing the cake dance!

# Cake, cake, cake! #

-Shall we leave?

-I thought you'd never ask.