Race to the Bottom So Awkward

Oh, Matt, it's so great to finally go on a proper date!

-Are you enjoying it, too?

-Of course I'm not enjoying it.

Why have you brought me to lunch with the school governors?

And now for your entertainment,

Lily Hampton will read out her maths homework.

APPLAUSE

Seven ketchup....

divided by five banana...

equals...

peas?

I can't read this!

There's food on my maths!

-TEACHERS:

-Boo!

Boo!

Lily, what have you done? This is the worst date ever!

SHE SCREAMS

Ohhh!

That's weird. I think I just had Lily's nightmare.

# Oooh, hoo, hoo

# Oo-hoo oo-hoo

# Ooooh

# So, so, so, so...

# So, so, so, so...

# Ooh, hoo, oh

# Ooh-hoo oh

# Ooh, hoo, oh

# Ooh, oh

# Ooh-hoo oh

# Oh, ho

# So, so, so, so

# So, so, so, so

# So awkward! #

-What?

-Oh, nothing.

Hey, did I tell you I'm going out with Matt on Friday?

-On a date?

-Not exactly.

It's rewards day. I was going to go for the cinema trip or the bowling,

but Matt's going ice-skating, so...

So you're going to stumble clumsily into him?

No! I'm going to clumsily stumble into his arms so he can teach me

how to skate.

OK, can I just ask?

What is that?

Oh! New hat. Great, isn't it?

It looks like an octopus is eating your head.

That's the exact look I was going for!

Quite a lot of people are pointing.

That's because they've never seen such a cool hat,

and they want one of their own.

Hello, meaningless pleasantries, etc, I can't stop!

-What's up with him?

-He'll be off to look at the notice board,

to check who's top of the year.

Oh! I almost forgot about that!

Martha's still top girl!

Yes!

Personal space! Personal space!

Woo! I'm not top, I'm not top!

Gee. I've never seen someone so happy not to be top of year.

-Yes!

-You're going skating on rewards day, aren't you, Matt?

Sounds fun. But if you were top of the year,

you'd be in for a very different kind of reward.

Lunch with...

the governors.

The governors?

Are they a band...?

Lunch with them is literally the worst, most boringest thing ever.

And now you can see why Lily's doing a happy dance.

Lils?

-Hey, Matt!

-Hey, Lils.

Nice happy dance!

Were you talking to Matt? What did he say?

-Um...

-Hold on, let me rephrase that.

What did he say about me?

I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

How can you not pay attention to your own conversations?

I need to know what he's saying about me!

Sorry, didn't realise.

I know! In future, I'll write down everything he says about you.

What? No, don't do that.

I just meant...

Eh, people are pointing at your hat again.

Oh, good!

Congratulations!

You're still on track for top girl of the year.

-You must be pleased.

-Pleased?

If I was pleased, that would imply I was satisfied.

If I was satisfied, I'd relax.

If I relaxed, I'd spiral into a vortex of failure.

Never be pleased. You can always be better.

OK.

Well, don't worry.

I'm sure that governors' lunch won't be THAT bad.

Oh, I'm not going to that.

I'm going to the Girls In Science Conference.

Oh, they're on the same day?

-Oh, you're so lucky.

-Lucky?

The governors' lunch is the highlight of my social calendar.

Where else can one have a rigorous debate about academic policy

and development targets?

Still, can't be helped.

Mother sets great store by the science conference,

and I'm always the representative.

Well, I wonder what poor person they'll force to go instead?

I can't wait to see their face when they find out who it is.

Please, please, please, please, please!

Don't make me go to the governors' lunch, please!

No, no, no, you've got it all wrong.

It's more like,

"Why?! Why me?

"Please, don't make me go!

"Don't. Make. Me. GO!"

You see? And even that doesn't work.

Believe me, I've tried.

That lunch is impossible to get out of.

Hey, Matt.

My mum's giving me and Eve a lift to athletics after ice-skating.

-You want one, too?

-That'd be nice, thanks.

Is there room for Lily?

But Lily doesn't do athletics, does she?

Hi, Matt, hi, Natasha!

Saying anything about Lily?

-Sort of.

-Oh, great.

Carry on!

Right. So, what's going to happen with Lily?

It's fine, you're right. We'll just split up after skating.

Wait, did you just say that you were going to split up with Lily

after skating?

Yeah, I'm going with Natasha.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no.

Guessing she needs to sort out a lift, as well.

Hello, Mrs Rennison.

I'm here about the Girls In Science Conference.

You're not going to the Girls In Science Conference.

But I need to know my travel arrangements.

You're not going there!

But I'm always the representative.

Not this year.

Hello, Mrs Rennison.

Have you arranged my travel to the Girls In Science Conference?

There you are.

Oh, very thorough.

So...where are my travel arrangements?

Please understand, you're not going.

They wanted a younger representative this year.

Cassie, Ollie's cousin.

No, I don't think you understand.

I need my travel sorting out

so I can go to the conference.

You're not going to the conference!

-I need to see the arrangements!

-No!

No!

So...

..reading between the lines, what you're trying to say is...

Martha's not going to the conference?

No...!

Personal space!

Why won't you understand?

And this is...

What happens when you give free rein to your emotions.

-Aw. Disturbing.

-Mmm.

Martha's not going to the conference!

Oh, Jas!

-Have you heard the news?

-Yeah, but I didn't think you'd take it so well.

I thought you were really into Matt.

What's Matt got to do with it?

Quite a lot if he's breaking up with you.

Matt's breaking up with me?

Yeah. You know when you asked me to follow him around and write down

everything that he says about you?

No.

Well, he's going to split up with you after skating,

and go off with Natasha.

I've written it here, see?

-"Matt dumping Lily."

-But how can he dump me?

I wasn't even 100% sure we were going out!

You should dump him first.

Then you'll be the dumper, and not the dumpee.

That's easily the best way round.

That's not such a bad idea!

Why should I get dumped?

I'm going to do it now.

I'm going to dump him first!

See how he likes it.

Hey, Matt.

I just thought, we'll be passing near Lily's on the way to athletics,

so we can give her a lift, if she wants.

Oh, sick, I'll ask her.

-Matt!

-Hey, Lils, do you want to...?

Stop. I know what you're going to say.

-You do?

-Yeah.

But I need to say something first.

Matt, it's over.

Believe me, if there was another way, I'd take it.

But there isn't. Our love was doomed from the start,

a beautiful flash of perfect joy that burned too bright, too short,

too pure for this world.

We must part before it consumes us both.

Do not weep for me, my love.

I am a strong, independent woman.

And you know this is what I must do.

Sorry, did you want to say something?

Uh...

Can't be together. Have to go split up!

Be with Natasha! I'm independent woman!

What was that about?

Don't know. She doesn't want a lift?

Arrrgh! My ankle!

You OK, Mrs Griggs?

Yes, yes.

I'm sure I'll be... Oh!

Oh, no!

Total leg failure.

How unfortunate. Can you call the governors and tell them I can't make

-the lunch?

-But you don't need a leg at lunch.

You'll be sitting down.

I...

You see...

No, no. You're right.

Who needs legs?

I can go! Hurray!

Oh! Argh! I...

I think I've got total mouth failure, as well.

No, I'm OK.

OK.

Mother, I have some news.

It's about the Girls In Science Conference.

Yes, it's that time of year again.

-How exciting!

-Yes.

Well, you know the school can only send one representative?

Yes, and it's always you.

You know I'm very proud of that, Martha.

-Right.

-Would you like to see your certificate?

What?

I have had a certificate made.

Look, Best Science Conference Representative.

-Yes, I can see.

-And...

there's a trophy.

Oh, no, this is for me. For raising such an outstanding

science conference representative.

Did I mention that I'm really very, very proud?

Martha, are you all right?

-Yes!

-Great. Well, hold up the certificate.

And that is now posted on my wall.

So everyone knows you're representing

the school at the conference!

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

About the conference?

Oh, just that I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh, me, too, darling.

Me too!

I just lied to mother.

-What have I done?

-Taken your first step on the road to a life of crime.

Why are you wearing a hoop?

It delineates my personal space so people know to stay out of it.

There are huggers at this school.

They could strike at any time.

-Good morning!

-HE GASPS

Oh.

OK, it's Cassie. At least I can trust my own family not to hug me.

Well, it's good to know she can be trusted with something!

How are the conference preparations going, Cassie?

Very efficiently, thank you, Martha.

Did you know that I'm the first 11-year-old representative the

-school's ever chosen?

-How annoyingly wonderful for you.

And they've given me this fascinating pack, with a programme,

a lecture schedule, a lanyard.

Anyway, must be going.

I have to login to a preconference orientation webinar.

I love the webinars.

Ah! The hoop! Respect the hoop!

Sorry. Well, I must focus on the positives.

At least I can still go to the governors' lunch!

Yeah, except isn't your mother the chair of governors?

So, if you show up to the meal,

won't she find out you lied about the conference?

I have to get out of that meal!

I was really looking forward to going skating.

No point even going now.

You're kidding!

It's more important you enjoy it than ever!

You have to show Matt that you can have a good time without him.

-You can't let him win.

-You know what?

You're right. I need to go and pretend to have

the best time of my life.

Show him what he's lost.

Carefree, happy Lily.

Yeah! And at least you won't be going to

some dusty old governors' lunch.

OK, test results.

Try not to freak out.

Lily. A+.

Ollie, A+.

Martha...

A-.

Oh, dear.

OK, this is new.

You didn't! You wouldn't!

You dropped marks on purpose!

You're trying to get out of the governors' lunch!

Why would I do that?

So your mother won't find out you lied about the conference...

we discussed... Ahhh!

I demand a re-mark.

Yeah, 15 punctuation errors.

A-.

Congratulations, Lily. You're currently top of year!

NOOO!

Hey, Lily. You OK?

No. I just saw Matt.

He smiled and waved.

How can he be so relaxed about our break-up when I'm...

..when I'm falling apart inside?!

Do I mean nothing to him?

Why'd you keep on pulling me into empty rooms?

Well, er...

-Because...

-It's the hat, isn't it?

No! No, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's the hat.

Sorry, Jas, it's just...

I know. It's so amazing it makes you feel inadequate, right?

-Erm, yeah....

-It's OK, I understand.

-Better?

-Much.

But what am I going to do about Matt?

Maybe I should apologise.

Or beg him to take me back!

I mean, the more pathetic and desperate I am, the more he'll like

-me, right?

-Lily!

What you've got to do is make him jealous.

Show him that you've got an amazing, glamorous life without him.

First step, get out of the governors' lunch.

-But how?

-Four words.

Lower marks than Martha.

Oh, that's genius!

I know. See?

You've forgotten about Matt already.

Can I help you, Mrs Griggs?

Em... Yes. It's my mother.

She's not well. I have to take a few hours off on Friday to go and look

after her. It's around the time of the governors' lunch.

This'll be the mother that lives in New Zealand?

Um...

So you're going to fly all the way there, nurse her back to health,

and then fly back during lunch?

Please just let me off the lunch!

I'll cry!

SHE MEWLS

Please, don't do that.

Noooooooo!

That's not me!

-Ohhhhh!

-Whoa!

Where's my hat? Have you seen my hat? It's gone!

Why would it leave me after all we've been through?

What if I lost MY hat?

Semicolon...

Let's make that a colon.

And an apostrophe in "its" when it's used as a possessive.

A-, here I come.

-Here you go where?

-Nowhere.

Er, I mean, to the conference.

Conference, here I come, yay!

It sounded as if you said A-.

No. No.

A minor, as in I will be a minor star at the conference! Yay!

I'm sure you will.

And look, my staff have sent you a card.

Even the Ambassador's signed it.

Everyone's very proud that you're going to the conference, Martha.

Very proud!

OK, homework.

Martha, A-, Lily B+.

Martha, you're back on course for top of year.

OK. No screaming, that's good!

Arrrrghh!

My hat, it's still missing!

Why hasn't it found its way back to me?

It knows where I am!

Have you seen my hat? It looks like an octopus.

I know. I shouldn't have hidden it.

But people were staring!

When you do someone a favour, it's always a good thing, isn't it?

Even if they don't know it, right?

I used to say all this sort of stuff to Matt. You know?

Tell him my problems.

But I can't any more, because I dumped him.

-I miss him.

-Hey, Lils.

What's wrong with you? Why are you being so laid-back?

Don't you remember what I said?

Don't you even care?

Just don't understand it.

I have been over and over the questions,

and I don't see how it's possible to get anything lower than an A.

I know. We're going to have to start thinking outside the box here.

What if we go beyond punctuation?

You mean, bad grammar?

Yeah. And spelling.

What if I spell some words wrong?

-Can it be done?

-Yeah, I think so.

What if I randomise every 100th letter, and split an infinitive?

Add that to the punctuation...

It's a formula for a B!

Ah-ha!

There you go.

Oh, one second...

Martha, B.

-Yes!

-Lily, B-.

-Yes!

-Oh, that's interesting.

Jas, you're now top of year.

NOOOOOOO!

There's no way I'm eating dusty governor vol-au-vents.

No way.

Doing her homework with potato prints.

How does she think of these things?

We'll never beat that. And I bet Lily will find a way to be worse.

We need a nuclear option.

We need to find someone who knows how to get low marks

every single time.

Why don't you just give the wrong answers?

And how would we find these wrong answers?

Are you saying we should answer in French?

Of course not, you just...

Look, what colour is this?

-Red.

-Right.

Right answer. Now, say something else.

-What colour is this?

-Rouge.

Now you're getting it!

Em, that's French for red.

Oh, OK. How about this?

Close your eyes, imagine a different pencil.

-What colour is it?

-Green.

Right, now open your eyes and say that again

when I ask, "What colour is this?"

Gr...

Gr...

Come on, you can do it!

What colour is the pencil?

It's... It's... Gr..

Green!

It's green!

It's a... It's a green pencil.

Ollie, I can do it! I can be wrong!

First, you lie to your mother.

Then, you lie to your homework.

I can't go on this journey with you!

Do you ever feel like you've lost the most important

thing in the world?

Red is green. Two plus two equals eight.

Parallel lines always meet.

Who wants to live in a world like that?

Being right is all I have.

I can't do the wrong thing if the right thing is there in front of me.

Why would anyone do that?

No-one should. You're right, Ollie!

We should choose the right thing.

Always. I've got everything so wrong.

No! The hoop! Does no-one see the hoop?

Matt, I want to apologise.

Jas told me what you were going to do, and I couldn't take it.

And everything I said...

..it was a lie. I didn't mean any of it!

So, I was just angry and confused, and...

So, if you have any thing you want to say, you can just say it.

It's up to you, Matt. I'm ready.

Right.

So do you or don't you want a lift back from ice-skating?

Cos Natasha's got room in her car.

A lift? So, you weren't going to...?

Hang on a second.

Sorry, where did you get your hat from?

I bought it. Everyone's wearing them.

Jas, Jas, look!

It's your hat! Everyone's wearing them!

-They love them.

-I know, I told you that.

Yeah, but I thought...

I've made so many mistakes.

Wait here.

It's gone!

What have I done?

Ollie. Not the book fort again.

Books are my friends, Martha.

Right, they don't have to hug me or make up wrong answers,

and they respect my hoop.

Now, I'm staying in here until the world gets a grip on itself!

This is my fault, isn't it?

My quest for poor performance has led me down some very dark paths.

Well, no more.

I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place.

Tell your mother the truth?

No. Go to the science convention.

Read the small print.

Jas!

I have to tell you something.

It's about your hat. It's...

On your bag!

What?

It's on your bag!

Yes! It's on my bag.

Where have you been?

Sorry, it's really disgusting.

I know! Everyone's wearing clean octopus hats these days,

but mine's like a real octopus.

It's very you. Now, I've got one last right thing to do.

I need to tell you something.

I just wanted to say, I was wrong.

I don't want you to get into trouble with your mum for going to the

governors' lunch, so...

It's OK. I'm going to the conference.

-But how?

-Look at the fine print.

Age 12 to 16.

11-year-olds must be accompanied by an older student.

OK, OK.

Last set of marks before Friday.

Ollie is officially top boy.

And Lily...is top girl.

No screaming. OK.

Just a few announcements, then.

It's so nice that we can finally talk again.

I mean, I know that you didn't realise we couldn't,

but maybe it's nice for you that I don't keep

running away when I see you.

Yeah, not running's better.

Since Ollie is refusing to come out of the library - again -

we're looking for a volunteer to replace him at the governors' lunch.

Matt, I was thinking.

Maybe we could go on a...

-On a what?

-Any takers?

Matthew Furnish!

Thank you for volunteering.

You know what? This could be a lot worse.

Yeah. Who needs skating?

I don't think Mrs Griggs is enjoying it that much, though.

Mrs Griggs? I wonder if we could run you through the minutes of

our last 12 meetings?

NOOOO!

# Ooh hoo-oh! #