Party Clause So Awkward

You wanted to see me, Mr Malone?

Ah, thanks for popping by, Lily. I've got some rather exciting news.

-Have you?

-Yeah, I've just been e-mailed by the Institute of Hair,

and according to their research,

you've got the most boring hair in the entire universe.

Hey!

-Hooray(!)

-Apparently, it's the flattest,

most lifeless, most boringest hair.

It even smells boring.

Anyhoo, here's the official certificate for Most Boring Hair.

Now, that's what I call a big, dull certificate.

-There must be some kind of mistake.

-Don't think so.

Ollie, what are you getting from the boring-o-meter?

BEEPING AND STATIC

Wow. These yawn readings are off the scale.

Honestly, Lily, I don't know how you stay awake all day.

THEY LAUGH "You stay awake all day!" Funny guy.

FAKE LAUGHTER

FAKE CRYING

-Lily.

-Oh, sorry, Mr Malone.

-No, don't apologise.

Finally, someone gets my joke about medieval haircuts.

Yes. It was so funny.

Please, do me a favour and explain it to the rest of the class,

-would you?

-Sure.

Er, the, er...

# Hoo-hoo-hoo

# Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo

# Whooooo

# So so So, so

# So, so Whooooo

# Hoo-hoo-hoo Hoo-hoo-hoo

# Hoo-hoo-hoo

# Hoo-hoo-hoo Hoo-hoo-hoo

# Hoo-hoo

# So, so So, so

# So, so So, so

# So awkward! #

It's a hair doughnut.

You wrap a ponytail over it and that's how you get a bun.

Did you say doughnut?

Jas, focus!

Everyone else is growing up, changing their hair and their looks.

We need to move with the times

and unlock the secrets of today's modern styles.

That's from that shampoo advert.

You guys have both got birthdays coming up and Martha

has had that plait since she was eight.

It's functional and it aids productivity.

Please count me out.

-Me too.

-But why?

Well, you know how you're normally pretty easy-going,

but then every so often, you get all obsessed with something...

And you can't make it work.

And you lose your temper and so you go...

-BOTH:

-Full Hampton.

Full Hampton?!

-You've got a name for it.

-Yeah.

You know, for when you go...

SHE HISSES AND GROWLS

First of all, I do not go...

SHE HISSES

And secondly, even if I did,

it doesn't matter because I am great at hair.

How about I go and get that?

Which is best for the invitation, matt or gloss?

-Invitation for what?

-Our joint birthday party, silly!

We're having a joint party?

After all the fun we had last year, why wouldn't we?

Shh!

Oh, come on, it was fun, wasn't it?

Yes, if by "fun" you mean scary and weird.

Was it Gerald? Was he too informal?

Because we can ask them to take it more seriously this time.

The butler was fine, Martha,

I just thought this year we could shake things up a bit.

I'm not quite with you.

You know, groove down into funky town.

Even less with you.

Are you saying you want to renegotiate the party contract?

I knew you'd be like this.

-You've always had a problem with change.

-Nonsense!

I'm perfectly relaxed with cha...

..ch...

..ch... That thing.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

Lily's getting new hair and you and I are getting a new party.

Sounds great!

This is unbelievable!

Seriously, I'm not that bad.

Three millimetres due east, Mother.

I thought as much.

Thanks for doing this, Dad.

Don't worry, love, we'll soon talk her round.

Sorry we're late, Mr Salford,

we like to make sure our wheels are lined up exactly.

Perhaps you would like a maths set for your birthday, Jas.

That's kind of what we wanted to talk about.

But we thought this year we could shake things up a bit.

I'm not quite with you.

You know, groove down into funky town.

Even less with you.

They want to renegotiate the party contract.

Just hear us out. Here's what we were thinking.

MEXICAN ACCENT: Say hello to Percy pinata.

You know, we could do a Mexican theme, big hats, moustaches,

mariachi music.

HE IMITATES GUITAR PLAYING

And where exactly does this rather sad paper animal come in?

Watch this.

Right, I'm not really sure what's happening here,

but perhaps we could discuss this later?

Our place, 6.15? Great.

-Oh, it's a stubborn one.

-Um, Dad.

-What?

-DAD!

-What?!

She's gone, Mr Salford.

-Are you all right?

-Oh, yeah.

HE PANTS Never better.

Come on, Percy, looks like we've got work to do.

I'm just letting you know, you haven't won.

Because I will do whatever it takes to defeat you.

-What?!

-Oh, it's nothing, it's just we've seen that look before.

Yeah, you're normally easy-going,

and then you just get obsessed with something.

-And you can't make it work.

-And then you lose your temper and

-go...

-BOTH:

-Full Hampton.

-Like...

-OLLIE HISSES

Why does everyone keep saying that?

My temper is not that bad.

It's just a straightforward three-dimensional torus shape.

-Did you try inverting it?

-How do you mean?

Well, just invert the access at the correct angle to allow for

volume redistribution, and QED.

-How did you do that?

-Basic physics.

-Amazing!

You are a natural stylist!

-Take that back.

-Take what back?

I am a scientist.

Honestly, a guy can't do a simple bit of three-dimensional

geometry without being insulted.

-Ollie.

-You are never to speak of this again.

Good day to you.

Ollie, please, you have to show me how you did that.

I told you not to speak of it. I am not a...stylist.

Well, what I'm trying to say is you're clearly a brilliant hair...

scientist!

-Is that a thing?

-Yeah. And if you show me how to do it,

-it would just be like teaching me a methodology, right?

-Right.

But I want no mention of the words style,

products, texture or fabulous long-lasting volume.

-OK.

-And no going all scary and...

HE HISSES AND GROWLS

I'm not scary and I don't go...

SHE HISSES

HE SCREAMS

Fine.

I promise.

I don't know, darling, matt or gloss, it's an impossible choice.

I was thinking we could let Jas decide

and we can arrange everything else.

-Excellent strategy.

-DOORBELL RINGS

We shouldn't worry, though.

If Mr Salford's negotiating skills are anything like his parking,

this is going to be a cinch.

Greetings.

On behalf of my client,

I would like to present our ten-point party plan.

You'll notice I've highlighted sections

E through G and indicated the items up for discustard.

He means discussion.

I know what he means.

Ladies, if you'll excuse us.

Come on, Percy, let's do this.

Come on, little guys, let's do this!

Oh. I'm just talking to my cakes.

I'm trying to create the perfect breakfast muffin.

I find encouraging them helps.

Now, this may be the perfect combination.

Spinach and custard!

No?

Come on, then, boys. Back to the drawing board.

See? That is the spirit of the Hamptons.

We never give up.

-Please, just let me do this for you...

-No.

I need to learn.

Maybe that's the problem.

It's putting a bun in, it's not exactly space exploration.

In which case, I apologise.

Please, go right ahead.

Mm-hm.

I will show you.

I will prove to everyone that I can do this calmly and without help.

Chocolate chip and tomato!

-No?

-SHE SIGHS

I'm sorry, but absolutely not. My client will not allow this.

My client is has stipulated her terms very clearly.

And my client has been more than reasonable.

You can have one cactus and one Mexican hat.

And that's my final offer.

Also, I must insist that we stick with the traditional birthday

-lobster.

-No-one wants party food with claws and a shell!

Neither do they want it inside a silly pretend donkey!

-Pretend donkey?!

-I knew this would happen.

We should never have left them unsupervised.

We have to let them grow up sometime.

I know, I'm just not sure they're ready.

-Going well?

-Oh, yeah.

Really good. Amicable.

We're still ironing out some details, but tiny stuff.

It's all very amicable.

And you can take Dobbin with you!

His name is Percy!

(Sorry.)

Don't mind me, just getting a little book.

OK.

-What was that?

-I didn't say anything.

Oh, I thought you were commenting on my hair.

Looks good, right?

I knew I'd get it.

That's the thing about me, I always get it in the end.

Is this it? Is she about to go?

-Do you want me to do it for you?

-No.

You are not the only stylist in this school.

I'll find a way to do hair just as well as you can.

-I am not a stylist.

-Stylist? Stylist, stylist!

So, are you doing people's hair now?

Er...no.

Well?

We can wait all day if we have to.

I'm sorry for throwing Percy at you.

And?

We've repaired him to say sorry, didn't we?

Well!

Isn't that kind?

What would you like to say, Dad?

Dad?

Sorry for saying you're boring.

There we go. Isn't it much nicer to all be friends again?

-It's just that stupid donkey.

-What did she just say?

She said, "Thanks and take care." Bye!

-Sorry about that. I'm sure it's just a phase.

-Parents will be parents.

Well, you coped brilliantly.

-No, seriously. I know sometimes your dad can be a bit...

-A bit what?

Oh, well, you know, a bit...challenging.

I guess. Still, at least he doesn't have to put everything into

a 50-page contract.

SHE LAUGHS IRONICALLY

No. I suppose Mother and I just like to run things efficiently.

Yes, only trouble is that people don't want EFFICIENT parties

and they certainly don't want lobster and a butler called Gerald.

Last year, he smelled of fish.

Lobsters are supposed to smell of fish.

I was talking about Gerald.

Thanks, Ollie, you are such a great stylist.

It's a hair scientist, please.

Ollie, your hairstyles are so in right now.

As I was saying, I really do prefer...

Know anything about partings?

I'm thinking of trying something different,

and as you're a stylist...

For the last time...

I am not a stylist and I don't give style tips.

Wow. Sorry for asking.

It really depends on the shape of your face, but traditionally,

a right parting is a stronger look.

Parties are supposed to be fun!

Everything OK?

Oh, yeah, good. Amicable.

We were just ironing out some details, tiny stuff.

-It's all very amicable.

-And you can take Dobbin with you.

His name is Percy!

OK, whatever's going on here, I don't want to know.

Nice one, Jas.

I'm sorry, Mr Malone.

I expect we're in all kinds of trouble now.

No, not really.

Fine. We'll meet you in your classroom, ten minutes.

And don't be late.

Hiding! See? Why didn't I think of that?

And then I think you just tuck it around the sides or something.

-Thank you for helping me with this.

-That's OK.

It's like my mother always says, "If at first you don't succeed,

"lock yourself in the bathroom and don't come out until you do."

Very wise, your mother.

Well, hopefully it won't come to that because...

-Check it out!

-Um...

I knew I could do it. I can't wait to see the look on Ollie's face.

Don't look at me like that.

I can't help it if I have the gift and you don't.

I'll show you.

I'll show...all of you.

These older kids worry me. Is that what we have to look forward to?

Very possibly, but I for one intend to fight it.

Yeah, sorry I'm late.

-Never mind.

-Please, take a seat.

This is silly. Be honest, can you even remember how it started?

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-BOTH:

-And she's not even listening!

Have you tried talking to your parents?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-Great, carry on with that, problem solved.

Perhaps you could talk to them.

-I haven't got the time.

-It's parents' evening tomorrow.

-Yes, but... Is it? That's come round quick.

-Thanks, Mr Malone.

It's good to know we can count on you.

It's now or never. I will bake the perfect breakfast muffin.

-I will be good at hair.

-Let's do this.

Um, maybe without the moustache, Dad?

HE WHIMPERS

Like I said, I just want to thank you for all your help with

-this party nonsense.

-Like I said, Mrs Fitzgerald,

we are here to discuss the history syllabus.

The problem with Keith is he just doesn't listen.

Between you and me, I think he's being a bit childish.

And I would ideally be seeing you one at a time.

Would you mind telling Saskia that she is kind of the childish one?

HE SIGHS

-He says that you're being...

-Yes.

Perhaps you wouldn't mind telling Keith so is his face.

Apparently, your face is childish.

I'm not exactly sure what that means.

It's strange, I know there's someone talking,

but all I can hear and is nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.

-Do you see what I mean?

-Nyeh!

-I came here with the best of intentions...

-Nyeh, nyeh...

-..hoping to sort this out...

-..nyeh, nyeh...

-..and I'm clearly not being taken seriously!

-..nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!

All right, enough!

You've got to stop treating this like a competition.

Next you'll be inviting someone to judge the best party idea.

-We couldn't impose on you like that.

-Well, no, you wouldn't because...

Well, if you're sure. Could you be there by six?

-Not really.

-Five, then?

You're a life-saver.

Oh, no!

Try again tomorrow.

Birthday party Saturday night.

So you're having separate parties now?

No, silly. We're asking everybody to choose whose theme they prefer.

The party with the most guests wins.

Isn't that just going to confuse people?

No, because they'll be too busy loving it.

Right, guys? Yeah!

Woohoo!

Well, at least things can't get any weirder between them.

-RECORDING:

-'You may know me as many things - pupil, activist,

'philanthropist, trainee genius.

'Many of you might be asking yourselves,

'"How can I give something back to this extraordinary person?"

'And I'll tell you how, by picking my party over Jas's.

'My party won't just be cool, it will also be fun,

'environmentally friendly and good for the economy.

'It won't just be a party, it will be a way of life.

'Martha's party - way better than anything Jas will come up with.'

Hi. Thanks for coming, hi.

Hello.

Thank you. Hello.

Thank you.

-Hi.

-Your hair?

Oh, yeah, Ollie did it.

Isn't it amazing?

Yeah.

I guess hair science is one of those things that just can't be taught.

You can either do it or you can't, right, Lily?

Lily?

I think this is it. Hold on, everyone.

-I got your message.

-Remind me again what your mum always says.

Um, if at first you don't succeed...

That's exactly what we're going to do.

So, I was just wondering, you know, scientifically speaking,

what your findings were on the subject.

-Mm-hm.

-You know, one scientist to another.

So I should be combing to the right instead of left?

-Are you asking me for style tips again?

-No?

You know, it's not very easy trying to talk with this going on.

How long have they been like that now?

About, I'm not sure, maybe 20 minutes?

Would someone please tell Martha to let go of the ketchup?

Would someone please tell Jas

that I had it first and she can get her own?

Great hair, Lily.

Wow, love the hair!

That is such a great look.

See? I told you I could do it. And I didn't even lose my temper.

This is it, this is really it!

It was nice knowing you, Ollie.

Take cover!

Go, go, go!

SHE GROWLS

RUMBLING

Sorry, say that last bit again?

I said, you two are on your own.

Have your party however you want because I for one am not coming.

Shouldn't you be getting ready for your friends' party?

I may have uninvited myself.

Oh, no. Was it the Full Hampton?

Why does everyone keep...?

Yeah, pretty much.

My friend was always losing her temper. Grumpy Greta we called her.

She shouted at the headmaster in front of the whole school one day.

THEY LAUGH

Did you laugh about it in the end?

No, she was expelled and never seen again. Shame, really.

But your friends will always forgive you.

I don't know how I'm going to make it up to them.

Too much peppercorn sauce.

No.

This is really amazing.

Oh. I've done it.

I've done it!

What are you going to do with all these?

Well, they'd be great for a party.

So, what time does the party start?

Um, it has started.

I guess no-one is coming, then.

Oh, well.

-We don't really need guests to make a party, do we?

-No.

It'd only spoil the atmosphere.

"You are cordially invited to attend your own birthday party.

"At Lily's house in about ten minutes.

"Formal dress optional.

"The party theme is Sorry I Lost My Temper."

We can't go.

Of course not. We're having way too much fun here(!)

Does this mean I can go home?

-Thanks for doing this.

-It's just my way of saying sorry.

Trust me, that's the last time I'll be going...

SHE GROWLS

-The Full Hampton isn't that scary.

-Thanks.

-After you.

No, no, after you, I insist.

-But I said it first.

-But I thought it first.

-That doesn't count.

SHE GROWLS

Maybe I'll just save the Full Hampton for special occasions.

# Hoo-hoo-hoo

# Whoooo! #