What Would Emmeline Do? So Awkward

-Mum left us dinner. Are you hungry?

-Duh.

Sorry. Stupid question.

Ooh, please be chocolate and sweetcorn bake.

Please be chocolate and sweetcorn bake.

What is that?

-Dinner.

-THAT isn't dinner.

Dinner, like, covers the whole plate and comes with ketchup.

Oh, come on, Jas.

You know there hasn't been any real food on this planet since 2018.

Sorry to interrupt, but what year are we in now?

2049.

Oh.

It's meal-replacement pills only these days.

Mmm. Delicious.

This is awful!

There's always dessert!

Nooo!

SIGHS

SIGHS

# Ooh-hoo-hoo

# Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo

-# So

-So

-# So

-So

-# So

-So

# Ooh...

# Ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah

-# So

-So

-# So

-So

-# So

-So

-# So

-So

# Ooh...

# So...awk...ward! #

You're looking especially Martha-ish today, Martha.

What happened to your blazer?

I double-starched it.

As chess club champions, Ollie and I

are having our photo taken for the school prospectus.

Ah! You look great.

And it's cool that Emmeline will get to be in the photo too.

Um, who's Emmeline?

Oh, the spot on your chin.

I always name my spots.

It just makes them seem less intimidating, you know?

No disrespect to Emmeline,

but I'm not sure I'd want to share a photo with her.

Well, this is no time for vanity. The chess club needs me.

Whether Emmeline is with me or not,

I'm going to have to grin and bear it.

Ow. It hurts when I do that.

Mrs Griggs, I'm a bit concerned

that you don't seem to be taking your work

as seriously as you should.

What do you mean? I've got everything under control.

This is my "looks boring, read it later" pile,

and this is my "looks REALLY boring, shred immediately" pile.

And where's your pile of reports

that I've been asking you to do for a month?

-Don't tell me you've lost them.

-Of course not.

I know exactly where they are.

See?

In fact, I just called in Mr Malone

to check through some details with him.

It's so important to be accurate when one is writing reports.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

I was just on my way to see Mrs Griggs.

And you've actually managed to turn up on time.

You're going to have to pinch me to make sure I'm not dreaming.

-LAUGHS WEAKLY

-Well, if you insist.

DON'T pinch me.

OK. Sorry.

Get in there now and do my reports.

I'm watching you. Both of you.

O...K.

You, ah, you wanted to see me?

Um...shall I come back later?

No, there's no time to lose.

This week I intend to win the UK Underwater Karate Championships.

Well, that's, ah, exciting.

But, um, Mrs Rennison seems pretty insistent about some reports.

Oh, really? Well, she's never mentioned it to me.

-MRS RENNISON, OVER INTERCOM:

-'Are you doing those reports?'

Doing them right now, Mrs Rennison.

Well, I say pooh to reports.

I usually just use the same one and change the names anyway.

'I can still hear you, Mrs Griggs.'

Just joking, Mrs Rennison.

Where were we? Ah, yes.

I need a training partner.

These championships are my Everest.

And you're going to be my...

well, one of those long ropes that pulls people up Everest.

'I can't hear any typing

'in there, Mrs Griggs.'

Typing them up now.

First training session, your classroom, 3pm.

But what about Mrs Rennison? She said she's watching us.

Oh, not scared of her, silly old sausage.

'The intercom is still on, Mrs Griggs.'

I'm ready for my close-up now.

Oh, you brought a friend for Emmeline.

I think she's, ah, talking about the spot on your chin.

-SIGHS

-You should totally give him a name.

Otherwise, he's gonna feel left out.

I don't believe in naming non-humans.

That's true.

His pet snails are called Snail One and Snail Two.

Big cheesy grins, guys.

That includes you, Emmeline and Steve.

What? Ollie's spot looks like a Steve.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Sorry I'm late. Sorry, don't tell Mrs Rennison.

Don't worry, Mr Malone,

I gave everyone an impromptu talk on the significance of the wheel.

Everyone thought it was WHEELY great.

That's good, Martha. GROANING

Right, our new topic is the fight for gender equality

in the late 19th and early 20th century,

sometimes called the women's movement or feminism.

Yes, Ollie?

Will there be a test at the end of the module?

Ah, yes.

Yeah, that's a good idea. GROANING

Oh, Mrs Griggs, do you have a minute?

Ah, no, OK? Thank you.

Uh, we were just wondering if you have the chess club photo yet?

SIGHS Ah, yes, I have.

This is a list of karate throws in Japanese.

Oh, and there's a typo.

That should be "ko soto gari".

Ah, there you go.

Where's my spot?

Oh, it's right there on your chin, Martha.

Now, if there's nothing else...

No. In the photo. My spot's gone.

The photographer must have airbrushed it out.

-It's quite normal.

-But mine's still there.

Yes, well, people expect men to be a little rough around the edges.

Not a woman. It's not a big deal.

Luckily, some of us haven't had a spot since 2002.

I can't believe she said that.

Yes, how could anyone want to airbrush Emmeline out of history?

It's totally unfair to treat girls and boys differently.

This is exactly what the women's movement campaigned against.

That's right. Which is why I've decided to do something radical.

I am going to write a strongly worded letter of complaint

-to Mrs Griggs.

-Good idea. You know what?

You should even put some sections all in capitals.

-You know what? I will.

-Go, Martha!

And Emmeline.

DOOR OPENS

Mr Malone!

Where's your wetsuit? I thought we were doing underwater karate?

No. This session's purely theory.

I need to revise my list of throws.

You could have told me that earlier.

Mr Malone,

I said I need to see the class attendance figures, not YOUR figure.

The figures for... Yeah, nice one, Mrs G.

I am not joking.

Oh, sorry.

How can I be expected to compile the reports

without the necessary information?

Don't you have Year 11 in five minutes?

I was just going. As soon as I find my trousers.

Why didn't you tell her what we're really doing?

I-I thought you weren't scared of her.

I lied. She's absolutely terrifying.

You didn't tell me you were bringing a friend home for dinner, darling.

I've got some incredibly expensive cream upstairs

that'll take care of that in a jiffy.

Actually, Mother, that has a name.

It's Emmeline, and she's a very important symbol

of the gender inequality we face at school.

We've written a letter to Mrs Griggs and everything.

Really? And what did she say?

Well, she's ignored us so far.

CLICKS TONGUE IN ANNOYANCE Ollie says...

"Ollie says"?

You're campaigning against gender inequality

and you're taking orders from a man?

YOU need to take charge, Martha.

Maybe you could do it whilst wearing a little bit of concealer.

Mrs Griggs, we would like to know

-why you haven't responded to our letter.

-MY letter!

Ah...

Letter? What letter? I haven't had a letter.

-It's there.

-Oh!

Must have missed it.

Mrs Griggs! This is a very important issue.

No, this is an important issue -

stick with purple or...

..yellow?

The early campaigners for gender equality

were ignored by the authorities.

I know the feeling.

But then along came Mrs Pankhurst,

who led a group of women called the suffragettes,

who refused to be ignored.

What did they do?

Yeah, what did the WOMEN do to get people to listen?

Well, they held marches, protests,

some of them even went on hunger strike.

Wow! Imagine caring about something so much that you just give up food.

No, can't imagine it!

-BOTH:

-I've had an idea!

We're going to have a protest.

For equal rights for women.

This is like the film where the person got cloned.

Yeah. It's funny how you both got the idea at the same time.

Well, I think I probably had it first.

Well, it really doesn't matter,

because this is the women's movement

and as far as I'm aware, you're not a woman.

Neither are you. You're a girl.

-Now you're just being pedantic.

-Thank you.

Ah, guys, it's not important who's in charge,

as long as we all stand together for equality.

-BOTH:

-Absolutely.

Anything for equality.

Equality rules.

Everyone, take a sign.

You'll notice the text is perfectly centred.

I, ah, made signs for the protest.

What a shame. We've already got some.

SIGHS

-Wow, Ollie, it's...

-Huge?

I know.

Nice sandwich board, Jas.

Oh, don't talk about sandwiches.

Are you joining the protest too?

Yeah. I'm going on hunger strike.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Given that you do eat about 28 times a day.

Anything for equality.

Hear, hear. Have a sign.

-CHANTING:

-Fairness now! Equality!

Fairness now! Equality!

Oh, hi, Mr Malone. Could you hold this for a minute?

Ah...

This board is really uncomfortable.

-Who's in charge here? OLLIE AND MARTHA:

-I am.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

We're protesting.

-No, we're not.

-Mr Malone gave me the idea.

No, I didn't!

Well, what's that, then?

What is going on in this school?

School reports unwritten, protests in the corridors,

and you doing absolutely nothing about it,

and you positively encouraging it!

-Uh...

-You're right, Mrs Rennison.

As head teacher, I must take firm action.

-GRUNTS

-I tried.

GRUNTS

COUGHS

-What do you think you're doing?

-What am

-I

-doing?!

You've just nearly strangled me!

We need to stay under Mrs Rennison's radar.

Nothing must jeopardise my training

for the Underwater Karate Championships.

-Is that clear?

-Can I go now?

Our next training session, 2pm tomorrow sharp.

You know I'll always love you.

I just can't be around you right now.

You understand that, don't you?

I hope this protest is worth it

cos it looks like it might be sending Jas mad.

Oh, it's totally worth it. Just ask Emmeline.

She's getting more and more powerful, just like the protest.

Look how she throbs with anger.

Stop it! You're grossing me out.

Spot!

I mean, I spotted you...

pus...ing... I mean, passing...by.

So, um, hi.

-Hi, guys.

-Wow.

Jas would have to give that a first AND last name.

Oh, this guy? Yeah, he's pretty immense, isn't he?

Yeah, spots can be a real drag for us guys, eh, Matt?

Mm-hm.

Wow.

The fake spot thing's really caught on.

It's not actually.

Thanks for standing up for women's equality, Matt.

Spots are so in right now.

ARE you standing up for women's equality?

I don't get why it's a big deal.

Obviously, everyone should be treated the same

but, hey, if girls want to buy me milkshakes for thinking that,

who am I to say no?

Strong core muscles are the foundations of success.

Yeah, I've actually always wanted a six-pack.

GRUNTS

I didn't hear her come in.

She moves silently.

I think she wears special ninja shoes.

Can we please take this as a sign to stop the training?

Absolutely not.

In fact, we need to up the intensity.

Really feel the burn.

Shall I go and get some smelling salts for Mrs Rennison?

Hm, I kind of prefer her like this.

LAUGHING

I'll finish reading that later. LAUGHS WEAKLY

Isn't it great the campaign's gaining momentum?

There's just one problem.

Emmeline. She's dying.

Why don't you just draw on a fake spot?

Everyone else is.

Emmeline can't be fake.

She's the figurehead of the whole campaign.

I know. Why don't you just replace her with a sister?

Jas, I know my IQ puts me in the top 5% of the population,

but even I can't grow spots on demand.

Don't worry about that.

Just stand back and make way for the Jas idea train.

Choo choo!

-Please don't do that.

-OK.

SHOUTS

-Whoo!

-Oh.

SQUEALS

These are some of the delicious things I would have eaten

if I wasn't on hunger strike.

It's just what we need to summon Emmeline's sister.

I can't eat all of this.

SIGHS You're not going to eat it.

You're going to wear it.

Perfect. Lily, do you have the finishing touch?

Jason ran five miles in this last night.

It stinks.

EXHALES

Simply cover and marinate for 20 minutes.

Anything for equality.

May I present...Emmeline's sister.

I call her Christabel.

Wow. Christabel is even bigger than her sister.

The campaign has a new figurehead.

Yeah, well, I think I'm getting a verruca.

Have you seen Mrs Griggs? Those reports still aren't done.

No, I've not seen her. I've not seen her at all.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Mr Malone?

-SQUEAKS

-No.

-GRUNTS

-And 23 and 24.

Come on, Mr Malone, count them out.

Now that we've got Christabel,

we need to take the protest to the next level.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

-BOTH:

-Mr Malone!

GRUNTS

What did the suffragettes do next?

-Yes, what was their next move?

-No.

No. No, no more suffragettes.

Let's... Let's do... Let's do the Nazis.

-We've done them.

-Well, let's do them again.

Um, Mr Malone, the suffragettes are part of the national curriculum.

That's right, which means you're contractually obliged to tell us.

SIGHS

The suffragettes chained themselves

to the railings of important buildings.

-BOTH:

-I've got an idea!

This is like the sequel to that film where the person got cloned.

We're going to chain ourselves to...

..the Houses of Parliament.

School bike rack.

I don't want to be mean, Ollie,

but I think Martha's idea is more achievable.

-CHANTING:

-Fairness now! Fairness now!

Gender equality is one of the most pressing concerns

of the 21st century

and must be addressed immediately.

-Yeah.

-Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt!

Josh Ribbetts, Cranmede Gazette. Can I get a quote?

Er, yes.

Gender equality is one of the most pressing concerns

of the 21st century and must be addressed immediately.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

-Thanks.

-That's great. Anything else?

Who?

Be cool, we're all equal.

-Brilliant.

-GIRLS CHEER

Alright. It's alright. You made your point now.

What's going on with Rufus?

KIDS LAUGH

Well, are you going to say anything?

Oh, yes. Right.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

That sort of thing?

-BOTH:

-Mr Malone told us to do it.

Honestly, Mr Malone,

we've got much more important things to worry about in this school,

like report writing and...

..other important things.

And you children, call off this silly protest immediately.

STUDENTS MURMUR

# Amazing grace...

# How sweet... #

Actually, it would have made more sense

for a girl to start the singing,

'cause we feel more connected to the struggle.

Well, I've already started it, haven't I?

Mm.

# That saved a wretch like meeee! #

I swear, those girls are one step away

from asking to touch his hair.

And then I'm going to be mad.

It's not very suffragette-y to have bad thoughts

about your sisters, you know.

I know, but they've been giggling at his jokes for 20 minutes.

I mean, he's not THAT funny.

I wonder how the suffragettes would have dealt with this issue.

Yeah, it's tough being a suffragette.

Earlier, I hallucinated that Martha was a giant hot dog.

But, hey, anything for equality, right?

SIGHS

Yeah.

Anything for equality.

Equality...!

The school rules clearly state

that no pupil must be chained to any piece of school equipment.

Well, I never thought I'd say this,

but sometimes rules need to be broken.

-MRS FITZGERALD:

-She's right!

-Yeah!

-Fight the power!

Yeah!

You'll need something better

than that so-called rule book of yours

to halt THIS protest.

Yeah!

-That's right!

-Yeah!

We're not going anywhere!

-That's right!

-Yeah!

Not until women achieve total dominance

and men become nothing but an irrelevance!

STUDENTS FALL SILENT That's... Ah, no.

Mother, we want everyone to be the same.

That's the whole point of the protest.

THEY SIGH ADORINGLY

Well, in that case, can somebody please find me some bolt cutters?

-I'm going home.

-Well...

Seems that not ALL females feel connected to the struggle.

Hm?

You need to stop following me like this.

I know what you're doing.

You're trying to bully me into giving in.

But you should know that I have very strong willpower and...

Hey, Matt.

Would you like to glue some signs with me?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Great.

And Natasha, Jenny, Rashida and Isla can help too?

You know what? Forget it.

BRUSH CLATTERS

-Jas?

-There you are, I really need to talk...

What's that?

This was the first time.

Well, second if you count the cake. LAUGHS WEAKLY

Twelfth if you count each individual slice.

-What are you doing?

-Making up some more of MY signs.

Yours aren't having enough impact.

I should be in charge of gluing.

I don't think that's a good idea.

-Do you?

-What's that supposed to mean?

Perhaps if a man HAD been in charge of the women's movement,

they might have got a bit further.

Hey, give me that!

-It's...

-GRUNTS

Stop! We're meant to be sticking together!

-LAUGHS

-Stop!

STICK together!

Not now, Jas.

My hand's stuck.

It's his fault.

Your fault. You interrupted...

Soiling school property!

Mrs Griggs's office, now!

And so you're all in detention for a week

for contravening school rules,

blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc.

Um, are-are you going to eat that?

I sincerely hope your protest was worth it.

Actually, it was.

Some things are worth getting into trouble for.

I know.

Like winning the UK Underwater Karate Championships this afternoon.

Look!

From now on, there will be no more airbrushing

of girls' spots in this school.

I'm glad our protest made you aware

of the inherent sexism in the policy.

Oh, protest, shmotest. Look at what they've done.

They've changed my turquoise fantasma wetsuit to plain old black.

-SQUEALS

-You should sue.

The turquoise would have really made your eyes pop.

Now, Martha, go and get yourself cleaned up.

The school paper want more photos.

Oh, and don't forget to mention

that I support your campaign one hundred percent.

SIGHS

She's right, the turquoise DID make my eyes pop.

DOOR CLOSES SIGHS

Matt!

I just wanted to say sorry for the way I acted.

I might have got, well, just a tiny bit jealous.

-Over what?

-All those girls crowding around you,

thinking you're amazing.

-Which you are, obviously, but...

-Lils, stop.

I know the point of all this has been to treat everyone the same,

but there's some people you'll always feel differently about.

-OK?

-HARPS PLAY

Lily.

Lily?

Shh.

I'm still enjoying the moment.

OK.

I just wondered if you'd considered getting a new training partner

because I'm not sure that underwater karate is...

Oh, forget underwater karate.

Been there, done that, won the Golden Snorkel.

So there won't be any more training?

-No.

-Oh.

Because we'll be too busy training for ballet chess.

SQUEALS CRASH!

Ooh!

Um, that's trickier than it looks.

What about Mrs Rennison? What-what-what if she finds out?

A decrepit mouse will always be caught by a wise owl.

-What?!

-I completely outsmarted her.

As far as she's concerned,

we were both at school this afternoon,

not achieving sporting immortality.

SIGHS

So training begins tomorrow at 10am. Wear a tutu.

SNORTS

-MRS RENNISON:

-'The intercom does have an off switch, Mrs Griggs.

'Even a decrepit mouse knows that.'

Don't go out there.

We will live in here from now on.

In case anyone was wondering,

glue is almost impossible to get out of hair.

Did you have to have your photo taken like that?

It's a shame we don't believe in airbrushing(!)

-Well, anything for equality.

-Yeah.

Anything for equality.

I do this to show solidarity towards my sisters' struggle.

It's very supportive of you.

Sorry I tried to take over.

Don't worry. I'm sorry I tried to freeze you out.

The fight for equality is for everyone.

Maybe not my mother, but everyone else.

To the sisterhood.

GRUNTS

I think the sisterhood wouldn't mind

if you both wore hats for a while.