The Salford Curse So Awkward

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Ah, not expecting me, then. Well, this is awkward.

Er, you're telling me.

-Who are you?

-I'm you.

Well, technically, I'm the new you. You know, the upgrade.

You're obsolete now. You should have had notification.

-What do we do now?

-Usually, the upgrade process is automatic.

Sorry, would you mind?

-So I just...

-Mm-hm.

-Ollie.

-Hello, Martha.

Being upgraded too?

Voice-activated digital assistant, improved user interface.

Yeah, I'd say it's the best upgrade yet.

But what happened to the previous version?

You're happy to just discard it, are you?

You're cruel, Ollie Coulton. Cruel.

But... I just wanted to show you how brilliant it is!

THEME MUSIC PLAYING

So Awkward!

So, if the universe is infinite and there are infinite universes,

then that means that somewhere there is a universe where we three

aren't friends. What would that be like?

-Quieter.

-Less crunchy.

-More hygienic.

-Wait, so, do other people exist in this universe?

Like, I don't know, Matt Furnish, to pick a totally random example.

Yes, but he doesn't even know you.

What kind of broken, twisted universe is this?

Jas, there's a photo here of a boy that looks like your dad.

Oh, that IS my dad!

He was a bit of a hockey legend when he was in Cranmede.

Wally Salford?

No, it's "Wall-y".

You know, like a wall. Because, when he was in goal,

nothing ever got past him.

Stupid, stupid computer!

Does anyone know how to do that thing where you highlight

all the words on a computer screen?

-You mean select all?

-Control A, Mrs Griggs.

Thanks, Cassie.

Cousin Oliver. Martha.

Weird. They're like mini versions of you two.

Upgrades.

Hello, Jade. You're looking very sportsperson-like.

Erm, yes, I've got hockey practice.

# Yellow hat, yellow hat, on your head, rat-a-tat-tat. #

-One, two, three. No returns.

-Don't mind her.

She's superstitious about everything.

It's when I see a yellow hat,

I have to do the ritual, otherwise I get jinxed.

-Sorry.

-It's completely illogical, obviously.

No, I get it. It's like broken mirrors and stuff, yeah?

Anyway, they're looking for a new goalkeeper for

the junior hockey team. Any of you interested?

How about you, Jas? You could follow in your dad's footsteps.

You know, Wally mark two.

It's "Wall-y".

I don't think Jas inherited that set of genes, Lily.

She's just got the clumsy chromosome.

That's unfair!

For all you know, I could be brilliant at hockey.

Well, give it a go, then. Regional qualifiers coming up.

Yeah, maybe I will.

Oh, look! A bird!

# Hello, bird, have you heard? We're all eating lemon curd. #

Guess what? I'm following in your footsteps.

I'm going to be the new goalkeeper for the hockey team.

Good one.

Oh, you're serious.

I mean, er, wow! That's great.

And that's 100% definite, is it?

Well, the tryouts are tomorrow, but that's just a formality.

Well, I'm sure you're right, but, just in case,

remember you're really good at...

..loads of other stuff that isn't sport related.

Erm, thanks, I think.

CUP CLATTERS

# Drop a cup upon the ground, pick it up and turn around

# Woo! One, two, three, ah! #

Where's my lucky rabbit's foot?

When I'm an international hockey superstar,

-you'll still be my friends, you know.

-Oh, thanks, Jas.

Yeah, I'll pick you all up in my golden helicopter,

-and we can fly to my private island.

-That's ridiculous.

You never know! I could be the best player in the world.

No, the helicopter.

It would never take off if it was made of gold.

Well, we'll just use my diamond jet, then.

Oh, cute!

-MEOW

-Oh, no! I'm jinxed for a whole week!

Can't you just do one of your things?

No, you don't understand.

A black cat crossing your path is the ultimate bad luck.

It's unbreakable.

Quick brush-up on atomic structure and isotopes before class?

-You read my mind. Usual spot?

-Mm-hm.

I'm done for.

It's just a cute little kitty cat.

Aren't you, kitty?

Guys?

Guys?

You know, this is the most precious time of the day -

getting lost in study whilst sitting in our favourite nook.

I couldn't agree more.

Hello, Cousin Oliver.

You're in our favourite nook.

Really? It's ours, too.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're trying to replace us.

It's just a coincidence, Ollie.

Yes, we love to sit here and get lost in study.

It's one of our most precious times of the day.

Maybe it's OK. It didn't actually cross my path.

Yes, it's probably fine.

-GASPS

-It's the curse!

It's just an accident.

You're Jas. Accidents happen to you all the time.

FABRIC TEARS

My trousers!

-HEAD CLUNKS

-Ow!

My head.

I'm doomed.

-Can I help?

-It's Tuesday, Mrs Rennison.

We're here to check your computer security status.

-As usual.

-It's already been done.

-OLLIE CHUCKLES

I don't think so. I mean, who else apart from us is qualified...?

Cassie and Maxwell did it.

-What? But...

-Yes, they did a very good job.

They also de-thingyed the hard thingy.

Defragmented the hard drive?

Yes. Working better than ever now.

Shut the door on your way out.

We can't let them get to us.

You're right. We should just rise above it.

Or...

we could find a way to put them back in their place.

-We could...

-Turn to the dark side.

Well, I was going to say reassert our authority, but, yes,

dark side's more powerful.

I don't even know why I'm here.

You're obviously going to get picked instead of me.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You never know.

No! It's the cat. It's unbreakable.

Right...

Ah, Jas!

Dad.

You forgot your Salford special energy shake.

And your homework.

Thanks, Dad. At least something is going right.

Ah. Yeah, must have leaked. Sorry.

Ah, girls. Good.

Now, remind me.

-Why am I here?

-Hockey tryouts, Mrs Greggs.

Mr Salford! How did you get in?

-Well, there's a gate.

-Mrs Rennison, code red.

I repeat, code red, playing field.

-Where were we?

-We were waiting for Mrs Hingis.

Ah, yes, of course. I have news.

Mrs Hingis unexpectedly went into labour this morning.

Tryouts are cancelled.

See? Curse.

Wait, it's obvious.

"Wall-y" Salford.

You need a hockey coach. You're looking at him!

Oh, no. Please, no.

Don't worry.

-I really don't mind.

-No, we really mustn't take up all of your time.

Mrs Rennison, code red, level three.

I repeat, level three.

Time's no problem.

No, but you are. I mean, you are too good for them.

I know what you're worried about, Mrs Griggs.

-Favouritism.

-Right. Yes, favouritism.

Exactly. Jas wants to be on the team, it's a conflict of interest.

Way ahead of you. Trust me.

I promise I'll treat her like any other player.

-The team comes first.

-Er...

-Good.

That's settled, then.

OK, girls, we've got a regional qualifier to win.

Code red, Mrs Griggs.

-Where is he?

-Too late.

Oh, bubble wrap.

Matt. What are you doing in the library?

It's a short cut to the football pitch.

But the football pitch is on the other side of the building.

Is it? Oh, that's why it takes so long.

Where are the others?

Well, they must be on their way,

because they wouldn't have forgotten that we meet here to review our

workflow strategies every second Thursday at the same time,

-without fail, ever.

-Right. Anyway, better go.

Getting a bit freaked out by all the...

-Books?

-Yeah. Ugh!

Are you sure this is really necessary?

Health and safety.

Hockey can be a dangerous sport.

SHE YELPS

In my day, we just wore pads.

I have to be honest, Mr Salford, it's not just for YOUR protection.

I'll see you out. For insurance purposes.

-Is that your science homework?

-Yeah, it's soaked.

Oh! Providing a practical demonstration of the topic,

porous and non-porous materials.

-Ingenious!

-Even better -

Dad's the new hockey coach, so I'm bound to be picked as the keeper,

-curse or no curse.

-Don't you see that's proof that you're not cursed?

Or it's proof that I've un-jinxed myself by passing the curse

-onto someone else.

-I give up.

The question is, who?

Quack, quack.

Ow!

Suppose I'll never know.

They're taunting us.

Not for much longer. Watch.

Oh, hi. Didn't see you guys there.

But we just waved at you.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, have you heard about mathletics club?

It's been rescheduled for tomorrow morning.

-Really?

-Yeah. 6.30am.

-That's a bit early.

-Thanks for letting us know.

-We'd hate to miss it.

-Yeah, well, Jade asked us to spread the word.

-Martha!

-What's that, Martha?

Oh, Martha was just helpfully explaining that mathletics

-has been rescheduled.

-No, it's this afternoon at 3.45, same as always.

Suppose I must have made a mis...

-Mis...

-A mistake?

I feel for you, Martha. I made one of those once.

-It was awful.

-Don't remind yourself, Maxwell.

It's in the past now.

-Well, that went...

-Let's never talk of this again, Ollie.

Mm-hm, right you are.

The vending machine's just given me two granola bars

-for the price of one.

-That's good, isn't it?

The dispensing mechanism obviously needs recalibrating.

Or it's even more proof that

I've passed on all my bad luck to someone else.

Actually, we've got something a little more serious

-to deal with, Jas.

-They're there, watching us, even as we speak.

-Who are?

-Our upgrades.

Here you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.

I thought we were supposed to be reviewing our workflow.

Actually, we have to...

-Go.

-Oh, and I've got hockey practice.

Oh, great work, Jenny!

You're a natural! Not that you're not, Jas.

Whatever you say, Dad. You're the boss.

Right, Jas, your turn. In you go.

Make sure you don't go easy on me, Dad.

You might want to turn the stick the other way round.

-Oh, of course. Silly me.

-You might want to turn yourself round, too.

Ah.

Look at Cassie, desperately sucking up to Jade.

It's quite pathetic how she constantly craves her approval.

Yeah, and Maxwell does nothing to stop her, either.

He's such a wet blanket,

letting himself get pushed around by her all the time.

-Keep writing.

-Sorry, sorry.

Come on, mathletes, not long left. Let's crunch those numbers.

There. Perfect equation.

Unsolvable by algebraic methods. The best you can do

is use numerical techniques to get approximate values.

Amazing. If they're really like us,

they won't be able to rest until they've solved it.

They'll be here for weeks.

Cassie, Maxwell,

what do you think of this algebraic equation?

-Oh.

-Er...

-Well?

-We think you might have made a mistake.

What?

This equation can't be solved by algebraic methods.

The best you can do is solve it numerically,

to get an approximate value of X equals 1.0618829.

They're right, you know.

You might want to look at that again.

-Night, love. Sleep well.

-Night, Dad.

Jas, you know there's no shame in pulling out if you didn't want to

play in the big match tomorrow. Just saying.

Thanks, Dad, but I think I'd quite like to play.

Yeah. Thought so.

That's...great.

OK, so, we slingshot ourselves around the black hole,

thus distorting the laws of space-time and preventing them

from even being born. That could work.

We need rest.

We'll get a good night's sleep, and our brains will have thought of

something brilliant by morning.

I didn't sleep a wink.

Me neither. Where are they? Can you see them?

They're probably hiding, waiting. Waiting to humiliate us again.

Hi, guys. You didn't knock for me this morning.

-What?

-Well, you always knock for me.

Anybody would think you didn't like me any more.

Of course we do. I mean, we have so much fun.

And now we must go.

-Jas!

-Sorry, Lily, can't stop.

It's OK.

I'll just be here, on my own, again.

Here, kitty, kitty.

So I'm pleased and mildly apprehensive to introduce

our temporary junior hockey coach, Mr Salford.

Mr Salford... SLAM, SHE YELLS

Cor, It's a bit dark back there!

Light bulb went out. Just my luck!

That's who I passed the jinx on to.

Dad. I need to tell him.

So, some of your parents may remember Mr Salford

as the legendary goalkeeper, Wally Salford.

It's "Wall-y".

Like a wall.

So, the big hockey match is this afternoon - how exciting -

and Cranmede is hosting.

so I'd like volunteers to look after the refreshment stalls, please.

Refreshments, as if.

Yeah, we've got far more important things to be wasting our time on.

Go, go, Cranmede.

Sorry, Lils. Something up?

Nothing. Nothing I'd want to burden my friends with.

Not that I've got any friends any more.

-I'm your friend.

-You don't count.

-Thanks(!)

-It's Jas and Martha.

They're just ignoring me.

-It's like I'm invisible.

-They're probably just busy.

Why not remind them what a great friend you are?

What, bake them a cake or something?

Yeah! Or something they can't ignore, some sort of big gesture.

-Do you think?

-Yeah, why not?

Anyway, Miss Vine needs me to take these back to the...

-Short cut room.

-You mean the library.

That's the one.

Whoops!

-The curse!

-Seems like I'm even clumsier than normal today.

Er, Dad, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Actually, Jas,

there's something I need to need to talk to you about, too.

Listen, I've got to do what's best for the team,

and I can't show any favouritism, so I'm going with Jenny in goal.

I'm sorry, love. I hope you're not too disappointed.

No, actually, I'm relieved.

-Really?

-Yeah, because,

if I haven't made it to the team even with my dad as a coach,

it means I'm still cursed.

Cursed?

You see, there was this black cat...

Oh, no! Unbreakable!

Exactly! And that's when I thought I'd passed it on to you.

Wait, you jinxed me?

No, that's what I'm saying -

as long as I don't play, everything's fine.

So am I jinxed or not? I'm sure it's fine.

Oh!

Martha, Oliver,

would you care for a complimentary glass of fizzy lemonade?

We believe we've discovered the perfect formula.

This is really good.

That's it, Martha. We might as well just put ourselves on the scrapheap.

I'm not so sure, Ollie.

I think it could do with a little more fizz, don't you?

-No, it's absolutely delicious as it is.

-No, Ollie.

Won't that make it too bubbly?

Exactly. So much for their PERFECT FORMULA.

Oh, right, yeah. I get it. Imperfect formula, more like.

Ollie. Too much dark side.

Right. Yeah.

Matt better be right about this.

SHE SIGHS

No!

HE BELCHES

Yes!

SHE BELCHES

-You see, it's working! It's me lucky rabbit's foot!

-Aah!

Ewww!

How does this thing work?

FEEDBACK

Well, Jas, it's up to you now.

I can't. I'll ruin it for everyone.

-Jinx, remember?

-You know what?

Forget about bad luck and superstitions.

Just go out there and show them what the Salfords are made of.

-You can do this.

-You're right.

I can do this.

Oops.

'Come on!'

Don't worry, Jas!

A draw will do. We'll still qualify!

But it's undrinkable.

You shouldn't be serving this stuff.

You've made everybody, well, burpy.

It was fine before.

It must be my fault.

I was in charge of fizziness.

What have I done?

-AMPLIFIED:

-Martha! Jas!

Up here!

WHISTLE BLASTS Foul.

-Penalty flick.

-Guys, I didn't have much time, but I wrote this for you.

It's called Forever Friends.

Martha and Jas, Jas and Martha,

lots of fun and lots of laughter.

Martha's kind and never mean,

she's the best at maths I've ever seen.

Jas brings joy to all around.

She'll never let you down, I've found.

Jas and Martha, you are my friends, always, always, till the end.

Not a good time?

Lily, what do you think you're doing?

I'm taking your advice.

This is my big gesture.

I meant bake them a cake or something.

You can do it, Jas!

OK, here goes.

SHE BELCHES

-Yeah!

-I did it, Dad!

I guess it proves there's no such thing as bad luck.

We're just a bit accident prone.

Um, here's your problem, guys.

I think someone's tampered with the CO2.

But who would do such a thing?

Er, me.

I did it. Sorry.

Why? Your actions are illogical.

We thought you were trying to replace us.

Replace you? That's absurd.

We're trying to be like you.

You're our heroes. You really are the best.

Lily's right.

I wouldn't go that far.

Sorry!

It seems I owe you an apology, Jas.

When's your next match?

Oh, hockey? I'm over that.

I might try horse riding next week, or maybe extreme origami.

Well, I'm just glad we're all friends again.

We were always friends.

-Oh, yeah.

-But if you ever publicly declare your friendship through

the power of poetry again, we might have to re-evaluate.

Yeah, I think I'll just stick to cakes.

Speaking of which...

And how are Cassie and Maxwell?

I think they're OK.

We felt really bad about the whole lemonade thing,

but we're making up for it.

Yeah. We're allowing them to conduct an in-depth behavioural study,

-with us as their subjects.

-That explains it.