Eye Contact So Awkward

I am now going to show you the yoga position of the Startled Beaver.

My wide eyes reflect the startling of the beaver.

And now, I'm going to show you the Eagle In Thought.

By learning these moves, we are not being weird or embarrassing.

No. We're helping you find your inner balance,

and become whole.

It's that amazing.

It really is.

An absolutely terrible idea!

A complete waste of time!

Nothing but a load of touchy-feely mumbo jumbo.

And I couldn't be more against it...

Are you listening?

Hm? Good! I'm glad you approve.

A class in social skills.

Some days, I marvel at the brilliance of my own ideas!

You really shouldn't.

Lily! Are you OK?

Do you want a hug? What am I saying, of course you need a hug!

Ow!

-What was that for?

-At least you've got me, Lily.

And your hair looks really good today.

Look at your brave, brave face!

How can I look at my own brave, brave face?

And can you please tell me what you're on about?

You haven't heard?

I thought he'd tell you first.

Matt's emigrating to Australia.

No, he's not.

Uh-huh.

Fatima said he was talking to Amy about surfing.

Matt's always talking about surfing.

Doesn't mean he's emigrating.

Uh... But she also said

he was talking about emigrating to Australia.

-Really?

-His mum's going to open a kangaroo sanctuary,

and they're leaving in, like, three weeks.

His mum does like kangaroos.

It's the pouches.

That's why she always wears a bum bag.

I'm sorry, Lily.

How could Matt not tell me he's emigrating to Australia?

Maybe it slipped his mind.

Things are always slipping my mind.

I can be absolutely sure I'm going to do something and then, shoop!

Slips right out of my mind!

Well, are you absolutely sure you've got this right?

Well, Fatima was pretty sure.

Hey, here he comes!

Why don't you just ask him yourself?

I can't just ask him!

That'll look really lame.

And if he hasn't told me already,

then he obviously doesn't want me to know.

Yeah, but you could just find out.

Hiya!

Don't you mean goodbye?

Oh, all right.

Bye.

Hey, are you emigrating to Australia?

No.

Oh.

But isn't your mum going to open a kangaroo sanctuary?

No...

Oh!

That's Matt Tompkins.

Yeah, his dad's rehabilitating angry sharks.

Oh! Well, that's quite an important bit of information.

I really hope that doesn't slip my mind!

Oh, snack craving! See you!

Are you OK, Ollie?

Um... Yes?

Do you need a hug?

Not that I would administer it. But I could get Jas.

Why would I need a hug?

Because of that mistake you made during our chess game.

Leaving your king in the centre of the board by not castling!

If I'd made a rookie error like that,

I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it!

You know, we could do some practice sessions

if you're feeling a little rusty?

I don't think you'll have time, Martha.

I think you're going to be very busy.

I have to go to social skills class?

But I have excellent social skills!

Name one.

I'm helpful.

I offered to help you after your embarrassing chess mistake.

I hope tactfulness is part of this social skills class.

I'm more tactful than you.

How about every time you gloat whenever you beat me at something?

I don't gloat!

I merely allow myself a short, tasteful victory speech.

There must be some mistake.

How come I have to go to social skills, and you haven't?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I would like to mark this victory over you

with a short speech.

SHE SIGHS

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-I'm so pretty,

you don't need to think about Lily ever again.

-Isn't it great?

-Yeah.

You know, I never even told Lily I was leaving.

Ha-ha! Hey, I've got a koala!

Lily!

Sorry.

I was miles away.

Just like Matt's going to be.

You know, I'm sure there was some important information

-I was supposed to tell you about him.

-I don't want to know.

It's best to just forget about him altogether.

I mean, he's clearly forgotten me.

Well, it's surprisingly easy to forget stuff.

Oh! Look, there's a squirrel!

Oh, no, it's just a crisp packet.

Carry on!

May I suggest that you've made a mistake

by putting me in social skills class?

And also that it's probably not a good idea to stand that way.

It looks painful.

This is the Focused Deer.

It's actually very relaxing.

Ahem.

Martha, social skills is about being more.

Being more than just an academic achiever.

Do you know how many academic achievers

apply to our top universities every year?

No.

Neither do I, but it's probably a lot.

And they all have excellent grades.

So to get into those universities,

you also need to charm them with your winning personality.

But nobody's ever mentioned anything about a winning personality before.

If I'd known,

I would have started working on a winning personality in year seven!

Have you heard of Guru Holeman?

Um...

Doesn't he make pasta sauces?

His book, Being Whole, is the basis of social skills class.

He developed his ground-breaking methods

in the mountains of the Himalayas by a stream.

He also makes delicious pasta sauces, yes.

So you're saying I should go to the Himalayas and sit by a stream?

It's OK, Martha, because you can simply close your eyes

and visualise a stream.

OK.

Are you visualising the rushing stream?

Yes.

Are you listening to your inner waterfall?

-I am.

-And?

I think I need to go to the toilet.

Yes, me too.

Hey, do you like my jeans?

They're a looser fit on the waist, see?

Hm, they're OK.

Do they fit into a suitcase?

I don't know, why?

Oh, no reason.

Hey, so I've been listening to this band,

but I've forgotten the name. It's just bugging me.

It's just gone, you know?

It's horrible when things just go, isn't it?

It's like, one minute they're there, and then they're just...

-..gone.

-Exactly.

So this band have a song that goes...

# Yeah, yeah, yeah,

# I'm riding in the air... #

# On an aeroplane

# Going far, far away to another continent. #

-Is that how it goes?

-No, that's not it.

Let's talk about, mm, I don't know, kangaroos.

Oh, my mum loves kangaroos.

She loves anything with a pouch.

-That's why she...

-Always wears a bum bag, I know,

but does she know that kangaroos are actually very violent animals?

In the wild, they're always fighting.

I could show you some videos online.

I thought you were going to help me with my science homework,

but if you want to watch violent kangaroos...

I just thought it would be interesting

to see quite how violent they are, and then afterwards,

we could watch some videos about massive Australian spiders.

Six hours watching wild kangaroos!

We watched kangaroos boxing, a kangaroo kicking a farmer,

and a kangaroo fronting off with a crocodile.

-Oh.

-That one was pretty cute, actually.

But the whole time Matt said nothing about emigrating to Australia!

Emigrating to Australia?

I think there was something I was supposed to tell you about that.

Yeah, Matt's emigrating to Australia, you already told me.

Really? Oh, good! I thought something had slipped my mind again.

I just wish he'd open up.

You know what I like about Australia?

I don't have to open up to Lily about anything.

And the hats with corks on.

Wasn't my hair blonde in the last fantasy?

If you really want Matt to open up to you,

you should get stuck in a lift with him.

Uh... Why?

Because, in films, whenever two characters really need to talk,

they always get stuck in a lift together.

Well, we haven't got any lifts in school.

No, but there's a stationary cupboard!

Mr Malone, exactly the man I was looking for.

Griggs!

Er, sorry, I mean Mrs Griggs.

Sorry about that, little bit tired.

Have you ever had one of those nights where you and your mates

watch the Lion King with the lyrics, so you can sing along,

and then it's that good you watch it again, and again.

And then it's 4am, you've watched it five times, your mates have left,

you've got a sore throat and you wonder what the point was?

I can't say that I have.

But this'll perk you up.

I want you to teach the new social skills class.

Have you heard of Guru Holeman?

Oh, who hasn't?

Great pasta sauces.

He's also the author of quite an exceptional book on being whole.

Read it, learn it, teach it.

Um...

Isn't there someone else?

You'll do a marvellous job.

Mm. Thanks.

Next time you're doing a sing-along Lion King, do let me know.

My Circle Of Life is quite spectacular.

What are you doing?

Standing on a chair.

Of course. Wrong question.

I should have asked, why?

Mrs Griggs says I'm socially awkward,

and balance makes a person more graceful.

Rufus, could you fall more quietly, please?

Yes, I'm trying to read.

And I'm practising my three octave B-flat minor scale.

-But there's no piano.

-I don't need one.

All right?

Social skills! Let's just try and make it through this, shall we?

Then we can get back to our lives.

But you won't rush it, will you, Mr Malone?

I need to be good at this.

Very good.

Why's that?

Apparently I won't get accepted into Cambridge University

without a winning personality and charm.

And I mean to get that winning personality and charm.

All right, fine, yeah.

Chapter one.

Oh, great.

Eye contact.

Here he comes, this is going to be great!

I wish I could be in the cupboard with you.

Hide.

And remember, let us out after ten minutes.

Of course I remember. I'll time it on my phone.

-Oh, Matt!

-Hey, Lils.

Can you help me get this book, please?

Sure.

Why have I got my phone in my hand?

Well, I'm sure it's not important.

I wonder if my library book's come in?

Ooh!

Um... Mr Malone?

Is this supposed to be terrifying?

Um,... I'm thinking, no.

Eye contact shouldn't be terrifying.

I want to look away...

-..but I can't.

-Rufus, come on,

there's no way having eye contact with Martha's that scary.

Ah! Actually, I take it back.

That's terrifying.

We're locked in. Who would do that?!

Maybe we could use this time to talk?

Lily, you're right.

There's something I need to tell you,

but the thought of us being apart makes me so sad...

..that no amount of cute wallabies hopping across sandy beaches

could change that.

It's like there's a massive hole in my heart,

and the only thing that could fill it was you.

And I'm also having trouble breathing.

Excuse me?

I can't breathe!

Oh, sorry, I lost focus for a second.

It's just that I'm not really good in small spaces!

Oh. Uh... Pretend we're in a lift.

They're even smaller!

Oh, OK, imagine you're in a box,

a locked box?

Someone help, Jas, anyone!

Don't let Matt die!

-It's your move.

-I know.

I'm really enjoying this chess game with you, Olly.

-How was that?

-That was...

Did the way I made my move show my winning personality?

Did I move my chess piece with charm and good eye contact?

I suppose so. Yes.

-But...

-Yes?

Checkmate.

The dictionary defines victory

as an act of defeating an opponent or enemy in battle,

game or other competition, but in truth,

it is so much more.

I'm really sorry.

It's not your fault, you didn't lock us in.

No...

But I did want to talk to you.

To see if there was anything you wanted to tell me?

You've been acting really weird.

No. I'm cool.

Everything's cool. So totally cool.

Of course.

What does that mean?

It's just that you're so easy-going, you've got a...

Nothing ever bothers you, sort of attitude.

Yay.

Thanks.

That's right, Dwayne, the symbol for iron is Fe.

Another point for the boys.

Martha?

Do you think I have a nothing-ever-bothers-me attitude?

If you say so, Lily.

But you can be whatever you want to be.

That's what Guru Holeman says.

What? The pasta sauce guy?

What would he know?

SHE LAUGHS

You're funny. Don't change.

Martha?

Can you tell me the symbol for our old friend beryllium?

Yes, but may I first say what a nice outfit that is?

White really suits you.

Oh. Thank you.

But do you know the symbol...

And may I also thank you for your tireless work

in bringing science alive for us?

You're welcome, but I am going to have to pass it on to the boys.

And may I also say how much I'm looking forward

to this experiment today?

-Ollie.

-Be, it's Be!

Yes. The boys win.

This victory may be mine, but I owe a debt of thanks

to the many great scientists that have come before me!

Now, the main thing to remember is to carefully measure the chemicals.

You don't need much, you see.

Oh! It's working, it's working!

There's not very much smoke.

And with only a few grams, you'll see a surprising amount of smoke.

BOOM

THEY COUGH

There's smoke in every room, Jas!

Guru Holeman says that, "There is a time and a place for exuberance,

"and to be truly whole means knowing that time and that place."

Oh, look, a weasel!

Oh, no, it's just a pine cone.

I'm talking about Guru Holeman.

Oh, I love him!

Oh! You do?

Yeah. His tomato and basil pasta sauce is just delish.

As if I need social skills class!

What was your problem?

Excessive exuberance.

It's ridiculous!

I'm too exuberant, Martha was too serious.

You can't win.

Yeah, I'm getting a bit worried about Martha.

Please stop, Martha.

Sorry.

Wow, all this grinning and staring is making my face hurt.

I could never be a game show host.

You're lucky you haven't got anything wrong with you, Lily.

I do! I'm too easy-going.

Hey, Lils, got any of those weirdly amazing biscuits

your mum always makes? You know, the ones with the peas in.

Yeah, sure, you can have all of them if you want.

Oh, thanks! You're the best.

See?

I'm so easy-going!

No wonder he's emigrating.

Aw. Were you looking forward to those biscuits?

No. They had peas in.

But you're such a friendly girl.

You don't need a social skills class!

I do! I'm too easy-going.

And if a person is too easy-going,

then people emigrate, and then everyone will emigrate.

And then I'll be all alone.

It sounds like somebody hasn't been listening to their inner waterfall.

I agree with you completely.

Oh, no, I'm being too easy-going again.

You can start this afternoon.

Thank you, Mrs Griggs!

Mrs Griggs? Oh.

So you're still doing that, then.

This pose represents bird in flight.

Would you mind signing these invoices?

Well, can I do it while visualising rainbows?

If you insist.

Ah! THUMP

Whoa! This class is getting bigger. What are you doing here?

Mrs Griggs saw me giving a short, tasteful victory speech,

and said I needed help being less gloat-y!

Mm. She might have had a point there.

Right. What's next in the book?

Chapter two. Positive Faces With Positive Words.

"Your face is your window, and you must let people look through it."

Well? How's my window?

Very good. You can clearly see that you are a warm and friendly person.

But I don't WANT to look warm and friendly!

Oh! I know. Why don't I show you my not-easy-going-at-all,

-angry, negative face.

-OK.

-Looks quite cute and endearing.

-Really?

Ugh.

Mr Malone? What do you think of my angry window face?

Aww, you look like a grumpy koala.

Hey, Lily.

Do you want to do something tonight?

We could watch violent kangaroos?

They were pretty awesome.

I can't see you tonight.

I'm not ready.

I still look like a grumpy koala.

Yeah, but only when you're angry.

My last girlfriend looked like a grumpy koala when she was angry.

She sounds really silly and immature.

Not like me.

No, I like the suit and glasses.

Thanks. I'm still totally pretty, though, right?

Oh, yeah. Totally.

Aargh!

Failing in social skills class has made me a failure at everything!

I was so busy focusing on my eye contact and winning smile

that I lost the science quiz for the girls.

And I'm so easy-going that people I really like

just emigrate to Australia without telling me.

And I don't know how to be less exuberant!

If I try to bottle up all the exuberance,

it just suddenly comes out in different ways!

And when I try to be less easy-going,

I just look like an angry koala.

Look.

And trying to be calm just makes me want to...

Does this face make you want to emigrate to Australia?

Does it?

Does this make you want to accept me into Cambridge University?

Does it?

I don't know what you're doing in social skills, Mr Malone,

but whatever it is...

..you've broken them.

This book...

It's bad.

But what are we going to do without the book?

I'm still too easy-going!

-I'm still too serious.

-I'm still too exuberant!

Right, I'm no expert, but how about this?

You're all OK, just the way you are.

There you go!

-Job done.

-That seems unlikely.

Yeah. We still have problems.

And Rufus won't stop falling off chairs.

OK, OK, we're going to try something else.

I do not understand the point of this exercise.

If anything, it seems even more pointless than the other exercises.

I wasn't always this confident and cool.

I mumbled, I couldn't even talk to girls,

and I spent so much time looking at the floor,

I kept walking into things,

and when I did that, everybody laughed at me.

But my drama teacher, he was one of those cool teachers

that everyone looked up to, a bit like I am now...

He got me to put a blindfold on.

And that helped?

Well, I still bumped into things, but...

I didn't care that people were looking at me,

because I couldn't see them.

I could still hear them laughing...

Anyway, that's not the point.

I want you to wear blindfolds

so you can feel free to live your lives

without worrying about how people see you.

Off you go!

Yeah, all right.

I should have shown you where the exit is first.

Will this take long?

Only, as you can see, I'm rather busy.

This counts as busy, does it?

Yes. This is the pose of the Busy, Busy Bee.

I must do it 17 times a day in order to remain...

Busy. Yes, fine.

I don't really care. What I care about is the social skills class.

-Oh?

-I would like it to end.

Social skills are important for the next generation.

Not everyone can succeed without them like you have.

I think you'll find I have all the important social skills -

-confidence, assertiveness...

-Intolerance.

Absolutely.

Good old-fashioned intolerance, and...

Is that my daughter?

Wandering dangerously around the playing field with a blindfold on?

MRS GRIGGS GASPS

Martha!

Martha, stop.

No, Martha, carry on.

If it's a Guru Holeman exercise, then it must be helpful.

Mrs Griggs?

No, she's to your left.

-Mrs Griggs.

-Still no.

-There.

-Thank you.

Mrs Griggs, Guru Holeman's exercises weren't helpful.

They made me feel awkward,

they made me feel insecure, and they hurt my face.

Now, if they ask me about my winning personality

in my interview for Cambridge, or perhaps my second choice, Oxford,

I will tell them it is very winning,

because I win academically all the time.

Matt, are you in here?

Oh, Matt! Matt Furnish, I need to talk to you!

All right, I'm only here.

Oh, sorry.

-Hello.

-Why are you wearing a blindfold?

Because what Mr Malone said was right,

if I can't see your adorable cheeks,

then maybe I can tell you how I'm feeling.

Mr Malone said I had adorable cheeks?

That's not the point.

The point is, is I can't tell you I'm mad at you.

You just did.

I did! See? It works.

So I'm going to carry on.

I'm mad at you because you still haven't told me

-that you're emigrating to Australia.

-What?!

Look, I know I'm cool about stuff,

but I'm not cool about all stuff,

and there are things that I am definitely not cool about.

Like how much I'm going to miss you.

There, I said it.

I'm really going to miss you.

Lily! Lily!

Yeah, I'm over here.

Lily, I've remembered something I have to tell you.

Um... That's a fire extinguisher.

Oh.

Matt's not emigrating to Australia!

No, I'm not.

But your mum loves things with pouches.

She does, but we're not moving anywhere, Lily.

Matt Tompkins is moving to Australia.

His dad is going to rehabilitate angry sharks.

Exactly. Exactly that.

Wait, how long have you known this?

A...little while.

I have to go now. Bye.

So, you're not interested in Australia OR me?

-No.

-Why not?

Cos you're just a figment of Lily's imagination.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well.

Have a nice life.

Yeah, you too.

What are you thinking about?

Oh, nothing.

I always thought that Matt Tompkins' dad was more into the platypus.

Sharks, platypus - whatever.

I don't care.

I feel very easy-going about it.

Yeah, I'm glad don't have to smile any more.

You're smiling now.

Oh, yeah.

Weird.

I think we're OK just the way we are.

Didn't Mr Malone say that?

It's better when I say it.

Ridiculous book, meet ludicrous penguin.

I'm sure you'll be very happy together.

Mrs Rennison, have you seen my book?

-No.

-MRS GRIGGS SIGHS

But I did see Rufus blindfolded in the stationery cupboard.

You'd better hurry if you don't want his parents

launching an official complaint.