Totes Emosh So Awkward

Ladies and gentlemen, she's had

a string of critically acclaimed pop hits.

She's won Best Hair Of The Year eight times in a row.

She's dated, like, every celebrity ever,

even the really cool ones.

But even they weren't as cool as her,

because that's just how cool she is.

Give it up for...Lily Hampton!

SCREAMING, APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

Um, yes, great to be here.

I just want to sing a little song for you, I hope that's OK.

This one goes out to my boyfriend, Matt.

Hi, Matt.

But before that, I'd just like to introduce my band.

Everybody give it up for...

Tricky Wordsearch!

CROWD GOES QUIET

THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY

CROWD BOOS

Uh, hello?

Kazoos are awesome!

I'll just, er, stick with this, thanks.

And that's what's great about Sniffles Hedgehog Hospital.

AUDIENCE SOBS

They save lives.

Take little Boris, here.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

When he first arrived, he was thin.

He wouldn't eat.

The vet wasn't sure he was going to make it.

And the sad truth is,

not all the hedgehogs do.

Can we have the next slide, please, Josh?

Josh?

This is little Boris today.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Look at his face! He's so happy!

Lily?

Lily!

What?

Everyone's crying.

Yes. It's emotional.

Lily?

Why is it emotional?

Because Boris is OK!

Did you not see the pictures?

Yeah.

Of a well-fed, perfectly healthy hedgehog.

Why all the tears?

I mean, they only live for five years anyway.

Martha!

Well, I'm just saying.

Why all the fuss?

I don't know, OK?

-Ask Jas.

-How?

Look at her.

So we just really need your support on this one.

Please donate generously, and help spread the word.

Thanks, guys.

And thank you, Jade.

Next week, there will be a charity fundraiser for the hedgehogs,

featuring...

Scary...

Books...

and her band...

Toe Jar.

AUDIENCE GIGGLES

Glasses, where are my glasses?

I put them somewhere...?

Ah, yes, of course.

Scarlet Brooks, and her band, Clodar.

Where are you, Scarlet?

So, yeah, we're, like, auditioning for new members and stuff?

And if anyone can, like, play the guitar and stuff,

totally let me know.

Let's do this for Boris, guys.

Lily?

Erm, Lily?

Because it's sad, OK?!

Aw, so cute!

Yes, I know, everyone loves hedgehogs.

Not hedgehogs, you.

Collecting flyers to impress Jade.

It's so sweet.

Jas!

Don't worry, I'd never tell Jade that.

Oh, hi, Jade!

Er, she's just kidding, Jade.

As if I care about impressing you.

Well, I am impressed.

Oh! Are you?

Thank you!

Erm, well done on your presentation, it was amazing.

Very...presentationy.

Aw, thank you. I was so moved when everyone cried.

Oh, yes. Crying's brilliant.

I... I love crying.

Not just crying. Empathising.

If we can't empathise,

then how can we change the world, right?

Erm...

We can't?

Exactly.

It's what sets us apart from...insects, in a way, isn't it?

And not just insects, Jade!

-Plants!

-Very true.

And amoebas.

I am not an amoeba!

I mean, I was just saying to Jas, how sad I am today.

Look.

-What are you doing?

-Crying.

Aren't I?

Hang on, let me try something else.

SHE WHINES

Erm...

OK, I should probably head off.

Nice chatting to you.

I don't believe it!

I'm an amoeba!

Fascinating.

It says here, hedgehogs have over 5,000 spines,

and that they eat cat pants.

Eat caterpillars.

Ugh.

Did you lose something?

No, no. I'm fine.

Oh, cat pants!

What do you think's cooler?

Guitar or bass?

I don't know.

They're both pretty easy.

Really? You can play the guitar?

Can I play...?

Let's just say,

I've got quite a few strings to my bow!

Yes, I can play the guitar.

That is so cool!

Would you... Could you teach me?

I mean, don't worry if you're busy.

But it's just that I want to spend every minute of every day with you.

Not with any other girls,

and DEFINITELY not Scarlet Brooks!

And when the time is right, and we both feel brave enough,

I can finally admit that we're...

BOTH: Boyfriend and girlfriend!

And with your help, Scarlet will definitely let me join her band.

-What?

-You'll help me, right?

Get into Scarlet's band?

Yes.

I would love to(!)

Awesome!

This really does show you why it's so important.

Why is she doing that?

She's sad about the hedgehogs.

What's that water coming out of her eyes?

-Tears.

-Fascinating.

This hedgehog seems fine.

She knows they only live for five years, right?

That's what I said. But, apparently,

I can't change the world unless I get some feelings.

What makes you sad, Mother?

Well, I...

I was pretty attached to my last briefcase.

Martin? You're always crying.

What's your secret?

Ooh, I don't know.

Erm... Just a relentless work schedule

and constant fear of losing my job.

He's not wrong there.

THEY LAUGH

No. I think this feeling thing is much more complicated than that.

I'm sure we can work it out. You get the tissues,

I'll get the whiteboard, we are going to burst into tears

-if it's the last thing we do.

-Hooray!

Do the whole thing again?

He's off again.

I don't know how he does it.

So, all I have to do is learn every single guitar chord.

-Right.

-And play them in time.

Without stopping.

-Or looking.

-How long have you got?

STRING SNAPS

It's just a school band.

It really isn't a big deal.

Maybe you're right.

Scarlet isn't THAT cool.

What?

Scarlet Brooks?

She is meant to be amazing!

Don't worry, Matt might not even get in.

Of course he will!

You know what he's like.

He's probably some kind of amazing, talented, musical...

MATT SINGS BADLY: # Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

Nightmare?

# Like my hair

# Do you like my hair?

# La, la, la, la

# La, la, la

# It's brown, brown, whoo! #

What do you think? I wrote it myself!

Do you want me to be honest?

Yes! I need the truth if I'm going to impress Scarlet.

I LOVED it.

-Really?

-And Scarlet will too!

That's exactly what you should do in the audition.

Hello!

I need a data cable for a hard drive upgrade!

-ANIMAL CRIES

-Is this a...?

..bad time?

Animal howls from around the world.

We're learning how to cry.

This is the sound of a Lithuanian pygmy goat.

Pretty sad, right?

This is not how you learn crying.

Think about it - what is the golden rule of research?

Oh, controlled experimentation, of course.

Thank you. All of this data is useless without a test subject.

How do you mean?

He means we need someone to show us how it's done.

Someone emotional.

Someone whose feelings are always running away with them.

I'll call her now.

Thanks for getting me round - I was looking for something fun to do.

Now, let's get you crying.

# And brown is a good colour for hair to be! #

Is it over yet?

Oh, I mean... Aw, is it over?

Does it need another verse?

No!

I mean, you can't top perfection.

Cos I was thinking something like...

# Yeah, yeah, I want you to... #

No!

I mean... No need to practise.

All this guitar-ising might damage your synaptic nerve

in the peristernum.

I never even knew I had a pesteri...

I'll just focus on my look.

-Thanks for understanding just how important this is.

-The thing is...

Thanks to you, Scarlett will be so impressed, right?

Scarlett won't believe her ears.

Isn't that a bit young for you?

It's very educational, actually.

Lovely pictures. Big, clear letters...

If you're looking for your glasses, maybe you should try looking on...

The desk, I already did that!

No. You should try...

Making up flyers that say, "Have you seen my glasses?"

and handing them around the school.

-Good idea!

-I think you should try looking...

In my own time. I know, OK?

Fine. Flyers it is.

-I'll make them up, shall I?

-Mm-hm.

OK, so, we just need you to look at these flash cards and cry

into my tear catcher here, so we can measure your sadness.

Then we can use the data to create an empathy programme

that will help me cry, OK?

Yay, clowns! Hee-hee!

It's a sad clown, Jas.

Mm.

Yay, flowers!

They're dead, Jas.

Oh, yay! Ice cream!

DROPPED ice cream, Jas.

Dropped and left on the ground to melt.

Melted ice cream is the best kind. You can just drink it down.

MARTIN BLOWS NOSE

Sorry, I can't bear dropped ice cream.

-Shut up, Martin.

-If you're not going to collaborate,

I will just go and find someone that will.

Can you actually see out of those?

Duh, obviously.

-Sorry, Rufus.

-Don't worry, we're all nervous.

-I hardly slept a wink last...

-BELCHES

Sorry. Performance anxiety!

How about you, you feeling prepared?

Oh, yeah. Got a makeover.

Rufus?

Right. Well, I guess I'd better...

Good luck.

Poor Rufus. I feel sorry for him.

I know, right? It's going to be pretty awkward.

IMPRESSIVE GUITAR SOLO

-Unreal!

-That is not a flute.

-Yeah, I got that.

That was amazing.

Cheers, dude. I wasn't sure about those arpeggiated chords in

the final riff, but sometimes you've just got to go for it, right?

Yeah, to... totally.

Matt, are you ready?

It's a tear catcher. Just in your own time.

Ta-da!

Look who I found in the library - my replacement.

Go on, Chantelle, tell her what you told me.

I don't get algebra.

Really? That's fantastic!

I know, right? And apparently, there's loads more just like her.

Brilliant!

Save the hedgehogs.

Find the missing glasses.

Save the hedgehogs.

Ah, Jade, you're helping spread the word.

I had to, it's important if we're going to...

Find my glasses. Yes, I suppose you're right.

Your glasses, but aren't they on your...?

Mind? Yes, constantly.

Thank you, Jade, you're a star.

Find the missing glasses. Find the missing glasses.

Save the hedgehogs.

I guess I need more than a makeover to get in.

Aw. Well, at least it's over now.

And we can forget it. And never mention it again, right?

I don't want to forget it!

Lily...

..will you perform with me in assembly?

You? In front of everyone?

-With me?

-Yeah, it's like Rufus says -

"sometimes you just need to go for it."

Unless you're just... PLAYS CHORD

..stringing me along. Get it?

SHE LAUGHS POLITELY

LAUGHTER TURNS TO SOBS

It's a tear catcher. In your own time.

Finally, actual tears.

Erm, sorry. Carry on.

Question one - why are you crying?

Because, how can you add X and Y? They're not even numbers?

-They're letters.

-Well, that's actually pretty easy to explain,

I can show you if you like.

Where's your book?

Ooh, can I help? I used to love algebra!

Guys, we want tears.

We're not supposed to be helping the test subjects.

Ooh, I have got a really good trick for working this one out.

I had no idea factoring replacements was so much fun.

My top-ten algebra tips are in there.

I took the liberty of restocking your pencil case.

You were a little low on highlighters.

Thank you so much!

We're glad 2B of help.

A little algebra joke for you. OK, right...

Well, I suppose that didn't exactly go as planned.

Don't worry, there's plenty more where she came from.

I'm thinking...

boil wash, 60 degrees, shrink it right down.

'Athletes foot. I've got a cream for that.'

SHE MOUTHS

How do I get Jade to notice me?

Erm, you could build her a website?

'Oh, just get him another one. They all look the same anyway.'

You're doing it again - you're making people happy.

We just can't stop solving problems!

It's just too much fun.

Well, in that case, I've got an idea.

-Let me join in!

-Erm...

how do you propose to make people happy, Jas?

Happy stickers!

Will people want happy stickers, Jas?

Ooh! Happy stickers!

I feel so much better!

Thank you.

D chord!

GUITAR STRING BREAKS

Hey! Look what I got from Jas. Happy stickers! Cool, eh?

-What, am I late?

-Oh, only 20 minutes.

We're only performing tomorrow.

In front of everyone.

Yeah, but it's like you said, there's no need to practise.

Yes, I may have failed the audition, but I can still impress Scarlett.

No, you can't!

Your guitar playing makes car alarms sound melodious and tuneful!

And your singing makes me wish I lived in a world

where there were no ears.

You could be good if you put the work in

but you actually have to try.

You have to concentrate, turn up and practise.

I'm sorry but I quit.

And unless you do some serious practice, I think you should too.

But what about my synaptic nerve?

Find the missing glasses.

Ah, please take a seat. Martha will be with you in a moment.

We just have a couple of forms.

And then I snapped at him and walked out.

People can't be good at everything.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is tell the truth.

And Matt's still Matt, right?

Yeah.

I guess he is.

Happy sticker?

Thanks, Martha. You know, you're pretty good at this.

What on Earth is going on here?!

GENTLE STRUMMING

What happened?

Someone told me the truth and I listened.

Someone also lost their temper and they shouldn't have.

You're right. It doesn't matter what I look like if I can't play.

So what if I had it daring look? Fabulous accessories, big hair...

Erm, Matt...

Right. Sorry, so...

I'm going to forget all that.

Practise and give it my best shot.

Good for you.

-HE SINGS OUT OF TUNE:

-# Yeah, yeah

# I want you to say if you like my hair, do you like my hair?

-What?

-Can we talk about the song choice?

All right, I should be the responsible one here.

She started it!

-That is so unfair!

-If you hadn't gone out

-and brought everyone into this...

-It wasn't my idea!

-You're the one...

-..it would never...

-Ah!

I am not interested in who started it.

All I want to know is what kind of problems are you solving here?

Hmm?

I mean...

Say someone lost something, like...

I don't know, a pair of glasses or something.

-GETTING EMOTIONAL:

-And maybe that person has searched high and low

because all they want to do is read about hedgehogs.

And maybe they're starting to think they'll never find them.

I would ask that person to check their head.

Yes!

Amazing! How did you do it?

Together again at last, after all this time!

It's such an emotional moment.

I think we just have to face it, we're not criers.

I've been looking for you everywhere!

We did it - we saved the hedgehogs!

Josh's website. That was your idea, right?

It's going to bring in masses of donations

and help us reach our target.

All because you, Martha!

I mean, obviously, I did the work.

People like you change the world, just by being themselves.

You must be very proud, Mrs Fitzgerald.

Oh, yes, actually, I am.

-Mother?

-Oh...

How odd...

I appear to have something in my eyes.

I'll need a minute.

I'll go see if she's all right.

How are you feeling?

Don't worry, you can do this.

And I actually mean it this time.

-(Thanks, Lily.)

-At least we're finally getting somewhere.

Where did your voice go?

-(I think I lost it.)

-You lost it? Why didn't you say something?

OK, let's not panic.

We've still got plenty of time.

Please welcome to the stage,

singing his own song, Matthew Furnish.

APPLAUSE

# Hey, hey, I wanted to say

# Do you like my hair?

# Hey, hey, I wanted to say

# That I really don't care

# Cos there's an odds-on chance that we'll disagree

# No matter what we do

# But there's a 20-1 that we'll work it all out

# Before the day is through

# And I don't know why I never seem to know

# Why the figures always come out wrong

# But I can tell you this time if the number is prime

# Division doesn't have to be long

# It just has to be fair

# Do you like my hair? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Martha! Are you...?

crying?

The lyrics...! They're so mathematical!

That was amazing.

-Thanks.

-Me and some of the others are going to hang out,

-if you wanted to come?

-Oh, I'll probably hang out with Lily.

After all, she's my girl...

No worries. Another time?

-Do you need a minute?

-No!

I'm fine. Completely cool, actually.

So, whatever!

GUITAR STRING BREAKS