The Two Mrs Hamptons So Awkward

So the big news this morning is that we've got a new pupil joining us.

Hello, everybody.

-Mum!

-Hello, love.

If you'd like to take a seat next to Lily, Mrs Hampton?

My mum's the new girl at school!

Nooooooooooo!

Hang on. How can my mum be the new girl at school?

This is a dream, isn't it?

Of course it's a dream.

In real-life Jas wouldn't be a giant badger.

So if this is a dream, then I should be able to do this.

STIRRING MUSIC

Bye, guys!

Well, if she's gone we can do my dream where I'm a super space pilot

with jelly hands.

Take that, pesky aliens.

ZAPPING

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

So awkward!

Oh, and this is Lily as a baby, dressed as a tomato.

Mum, do we have to do this now?

I thought you wanted to sort out the old family photos.

Not in front of my boyfriend.

What! Oh, he's loving it, aren't you Rob?

Yeah. Can I see the tomato one again?

Oh, Lily gets embarrassed.

She was like this with her last boyfriend, Matt.

-Mum!

-Don't worry, Rob, Matt was a lovely lad, but you're just as nice.

And hopefully you won't move away and leave Lily...

..completely fine.

And not at all heartbroken.

And unable to speak.

For a week.

Oh.

I've had these tins in the loft for years.

Yes, the tins.

Atchoo!

-Oh, bless my mittens.

-"Bless my mittens"?

Oh, Lily's first day at school.

Where does all the time go?

Seems like only yesterday you were running round with your pants on

-your head.

-Mum!

-Oh. My old school reports.

Oh, wow.

All A's.

All A's.

All Cs and Ds?

What happened there?

Ah, that was the year I discovered boys.

I was top of the class till then.

Then it all went downhill.

Well, you can't have everything.

-Can't you?

-Oh, look at my hair in this one.

-What was I thinking?

-Mum! That's my school photo from last month!

Is it?

Oh, yes. Er, when I said, "Look at the hair,"

I meant - it's actually very cool hair.

My favourite subject is science because it is very interesting.

Mi asignatura favorita es ciencia porque es muy interesado.

-Muy interesante.

-Yes, of course.

I've definitely got better since we started doing these sessions.

I've got so much out of them.

Me too.

-Martha?

-Mmm?

Spending time with you, just you and me...

..I've realised I, well, I wondered if you would...

..possibly go on a date with me?

A date with you? Oh, no, I don't want to do that.

Oh.

Now when shall we do our next practice? Are you free tomorrow?

In the circumstances,

perhaps it would be wise to spend some time apart.

What, but... How am I going to practise?

I think I'd find it difficult...

being together right now.

Really? But why?

I've got my pride, Martha.

I am but flesh and blood.

If there was someone else who had already stolen your heart, I might

find it easier to bear but...

Is there someone else?

-Er...

-There is!

-Ollie!

-Ollie?

I knew it! Girls always go for the really cool guys.

Are we still talking about Ollie?

I should have known. Stupid to ask.

So what does this mean for our Spanish lessons?

We can meet tomorrow.

Knowing you're already going out with Ollie makes it easier to take,

-somehow.

-Ollie, Cranmede Ollie?

-Ollie Coulton?

-Yeah.

He's a great guy.

Really, really great guy.

SNAP!

-Life lessons is today?

-Yes, so far our class is the only one that

hasn't got a parent coming in.

-My dad could come in.

-Erm...it's a possibility.

-OK.

-Oof.

Lucky escape there.

Put some glue on that, would you?

AIR EXPELS NOISILY

-That is hilarious. Listen to that.

-It's just the air in the bottle.

I know, but it sounds exactly like...

Never mind.

Ah.

Oh!

-Who's that?

-That is, it's probably the window cleaner,

just checking out the windows before we start or something.

Come on.

And as soon as my mum got a boyfriend, her grades went downhill.

You don't think that'll happen to me, do you?

No. You and your mum are very different.

Yeah, that's what I thought,

although I have started to like cheese and jam sandwiches.

-So?

-They're my mum's favourite.

I used to be like, ugh, but now I like them.

Oh, well, that's just one thing.

Yeah. Means nothing.

Hey, friends.

I think I've discovered why they call this a break room.

This just broke.

Just when I thought this place couldn't get any messier.

Tell me about it.

I spent ages on this equation and it turns out X squared is a squashed

-raisin.

-Raisin!

Atchoo.

-Bless my mittens.

-Bless my mittens?

Oh. Lily always says that when she sneezes.

Do I?

-Yeah, it's your thing.

-But that's what my mum says.

That's the last coconut water, I was going to get that.

Sorry, Rufus, I've got double physics.

And I need the amino acids for optimal brain function.

Fine. You take it.

Take everything from me, why don't you!

Cheese and jam sandwiches.

Bless my mittens.

And my mum looked exactly like me when she was young.

Jas, it's true.

I'm turning into my mum.

Two Mrs Hamptons?

Mrs Hampton in stereo.

-Cool.

-Have you seen Ollie?

-Why, what's up?

Rufus wanted to go on a date with me.

So to be nice, I let him think I was already going out with Ollie.

Why not just go on a date with Rufus? He's great.

I don't want to go out with anyone.

Going out with boys is a surefire way to lower exam marks.

-Is it?

-And if I ever WAS to go out with someone,

they'd have to be my intellectual equal.

Aha, like Ollie.

Yeah, like Ollie.

Er, no, not Ollie.

Obviously not Ollie. No. Never Ollie.

-Hi, Ollie.

-Does anyone know what's up with Rufus?

Ollie, er, I need you to do me a small favour.

Yeah, sure. What's up.

Pretend to go out with me,

so that Rufus won't be too upset that I won't go out with him.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

It's the only way he'll be able to keep giving me Spanish lessons.

I only got 94% on the last test.

But what would this "pretending to go out" consist of?

Nothing. Hardly anything.

It won't impact your life.

In any way.

-Hi, Martha.

-Hi, Rufus.

I'm free afternoon break if you want to meet in the library.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

We're not doing anything then, are we, Olliekins?

No.

There has to be some alternative to this.

That doesn't involve violating my personal space.

Hey, why can't you just invent a fictional boyfriend that goes to a

-different school.

-You know, I've never said these words before,

that's a good plan, Jas.

Yeah. And to make it more real we can dress up an old shop dummy.

You can go to the cinema with it and I'll take pictures.

-And we're back.

-Look, it's only until tomorrow.

No-one will even notice.

Oh, Ollie and Martha, sitting in a tree!

Eh? Eh?

Yeah. I think they're going out.

You're no fun any more.

Oh, no.

Carry on.

Have you seen Mr Malone?

He was just here, but, er...

I just wanted to tell him I could come in this afternoon, you see.

Oh, right, yeah.

I'll tell him. Though I'm sure it's fine.

He did tell me he was expecting you.

The only thing is, what he wants me to do.

Just clean the windows, I think.

Window cleaning. Very important skill.

And I always want to help the school as much as I c...

..can.

Do we still have to hold hands?

Yes, Rufus could walk past at any minute.

This is ridiculous.

How am I supposed to choose between Rob and cleverness?

I have the same problem with ice cream.

Cookie dough or mint choc chip?

It's impossible.

There must be a way of going out with Rob and staying clever.

Oh, I'll put my thinking cap on.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, you actually have one of those.

Martha, this is intolerable.

What do you mean? People hold hands all the time.

I don't. You know human contact makes me come out in a panic rash.

Have you got a rash now?

No. That's weird.

I suppose I can hold hands with...

some people.

I think it's run out of batteries.

Oh! I know, I just have to keep exercising my brain all the time

-I'm with Rob, to keep it in good condition.

-OK, not bad.

Hey, Lily. You all right?

Oh, Rob, yes.

I'm all right. I'm fine.

Splendid. Healthy.

Robust. Flourishing.

-Vigorous.

-Cool.

-Want to hang?

-I would be delighted.

Gladdened. And entranced.

-To hang.

-Great.

Seven eights are 56.

Right.

Don't tell me, a girl, right?

Recognised the look, huh?

See it every time I look in the mirror.

Does she know?

Yeah. But she's taken.

Sounds familiar. Mine too.

Must be pretty special.

Yes, she is. What a brain.

Smart, huh?

Mine's the smartest girl in the school.

Goes by the name of Martha.

Martha? But...

that's the girl that I...

-BOTH:

-Oh, man.

Look, there's the guy she's going out with.

-Ollie Coulton.

-The coolest guy in school.

Doesn't he know it, though.

Swaggering around school like he owns the place.

How can one guy have it all?

I know. The hair, the face, the baby blues.

And everything he does just oozes cool.

If there was any justice, someone would bring him down a peg or two.

Yeah.

Perhaps someone should.

So on Saturday I'll meet you at the clock tower at 12 and then we'll get

-the bus into town.

-Yeah.

And here's a brain teaser on that.

If the bus leaves at 1215 and goes at 30 miles per hour for 20 miles,

what time would we arrive?

Um, not sure, but when we do arrive,

we could have a look around the Sports Warehouse.

No, no, we'll start by a visit to the science fair,

we'll go to the big library in town,

then we'll pop by the zoo on the way back, memorise five new facts about

animals and spend the journey home doing crosswords.

-What about trainer shopping?

-No time!

We'll make it a big day of learning,

so we can keep our brains super-active.

Oh! Great.

Ollie, surely your mum or dad could talk to the class this afternoon?

Both working, sorry.

But this is life lessons!

It's important.

My dad is free.

No, no, your dad's done far too much damage.

I mean, far too much for the school.

I don't want to trouble him again.

-Don't worry.

-Oh, Martha's in the library.

You might have to hold hands again.

Oh, that's OK.

Apparently I can do that now.

With some people.

Oh. OK.

Hi, Sir. Oh, the window cleaner's coming in this afternoon.

Why do I care about when the window cleaner's coming?

Just passing on a message.

Window cleaners.

As if I haven't got enough to worry about.

What music do you like?

-Que musica te gusta.

-Me gusta la musica classica.

Absolutely perfect, Martha.

You're going to sail through this.

-Hello, Rufus.

-Hello, Ollie.

Well, I'd better be going.

-Hold hands?

-But Rufus has a flute lesson now.

He's not going to see us, is he?

Well, he might get sent back to the library for a music book,

so it's just better to be safe than sorry.

True. OK.

Thanks, Ollie. I know how much you hate doing this.

Oh, I guess I'll just have to cope.

Hmm!

-What.

-Oh, nothing.

Hi, guys, hola, bonjour, ciao.

Konichiwa.

Brain still working, then?

So far. I'm seeing Rob on Saturday,

but instead of going trainer shopping,

we're doing a whole day of learning.

So that way I can still be with him

but not lose my cleverness like my mum did.

So you're going to spend time doing all the things you want

to do and none of the things he wants to do.

Yeah.

Oh.

That's a teeny bit selfish, isn't it?

Hang on. What if you're barking up the wrong tree?

You know, like a dog who thinks there's a bone at the top of one

tree but in fact it's in a totally different tree.

Yes, we're aware of the phrase.

Your mum lost her cleverness in

the same year she discovered boys, right?

But what if boys aren't the problem?

It's the actual growing up itself.

You mean being Rob's girlfriend is OK and the only thing I have to do

to stay clever is stop growing up?

Yes, I like this theory.

But you can't stop growing up.

I can try. I can, I can...

You can only eat baby food and rusks.

-You are what you eat, right?

-I can hang around younger people.

Their influence might slow down my rate of growth.

Delay me turning into my mum.

And thus keep you clever.

Bingo!

Hey, guys. What are you two young scamps up to then, eh?

Shh, Maxwell's asleep.

I'm not asleep, I'm just resting my eyes.

Oh! Well I just thought I'd spend some time with the new Cranmede

generation, find out what's epic, what's making you lol.

What is she saying?

I don't know, she's mumbling again.

No-one speaks clearly any more.

How about a game of It. It!

-Aren't you going to chase me?

-With my knee?

It's his knee. He gets a twinge.

Not been the same since cross-country last week.

Oh! Let's just chat.

What's on your mind, guys?

I was just thinking about how the Year Sevens were less boisterous in

my day. They're out of control now.

So much for slowing down my growing up,

I was only with them five minutes and I feel like I've aged 20 years.

Well, if you want to stop growing up, just copy me.

I still sleep with my favourite pencil,

I still eat my food in alphabetical order.

These aren't kid things, they are Jas things.

Come on. Who do we know who's managed to stay young?

Someone who's just a big kid?

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

SHE KNOCKS

-Come in.

-Hi, Sir. I'm not interrupting, am I?

No, no, I was just doing some marking.

I need some advice.

You've come to the right place. Shoot.

Well, even though you're a grown-up,

you've always seemed so young.

I'm glad you've noticed.

And I just really wanted to know what your secret was.

I can sum it up in three words.

Moisturise, moisturise, moisturise.

-It is the...

-I don't really mean physically young.

I meant more...mentally young.

-Mentally young?

-Yeah.

You know, a bit childlike, a bit silly.

Are you saying I'm immature?

Yeah! No.

I think you'll find most people think I'm very mature.

-I'm very grown-up.

-Really? Well, what about the time you...

La, la, la, la, la, la...

I'm not listening. I am not listening.

La, la-la-la-la...

La-la-la.

Thank you.

HE WHISTLES HAPPILY

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh, don't mind me, I'm just here to clean the windows.

That's weird.

I thought I'd filled that up.

D'oh! Rufus, hello.

Don't try that famous charm on me, Ollie.

-It won't work.

-Yeah.

-Alfie?

-How's Martha?

Um, she's all right, I think.

You think? If she was my girlfriend I'd make sure she was the happiest

-girl in the world.

-I'd treat her like a princess.

Martha's never liked princesses. Thinks they're a bit wet.

The trouble with cool guys like you, Ollie,

is that just because you could get any girl you want,

you take them for granted.

Where are the chocolates?

Where are the flowers?

If you can't treat Martha in the way she deserves to be treated,

maybe you should find someone else.

-Yeah.

-Listen, I don't care what you two think.

Martha and I have a special connection, actually.

Yeah. She's the perfect girlfriend for me and

I'm the perfect boyfriend for her.

Fine.

Just don't break her heart.

Too weird, it's too weird.

Er, a little help?

There's nothing I can do, is there?

I'm destined to grow up, turn into my mum,

and wave goodbye to all my lovely A grades.

So you might think, but luckily I've come up with a Jastastic plan.

-You have?

-Yes, sirree.

A way of reversing your growth and keeping you clever by getting you

back in touch with your childhood.

Right. As you know, it is time for our very first life lesson.

And thanks to Jas, at the very last minute, we have managed

to find a parent to talk to us.

So please welcome Mrs Hampton.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, love.

This is a dream, this IS a dream.

-You're welcome.

-Now,

I'm wearing my old school uniform today because I want to talk to you

about why you shouldn't try to grow up so quickly.

There's so much pressure on young people to grow up, these days.

But you shouldn't forget the things that you used to love as a child.

Like what made you laugh.

With my Lily it was always my chicken impressions.

SHE CLUCKS

Brilliant.

And she was never happier than when she was running around with her

pants on her head. First picture.

LAUGHTER

Oh, lovely memories.

And she used to love next door's cat so much that she wanted to marry it.

So we organised a little wedding.

-Next picture.

-ALL:

-Aw!

Getting in touch with your childhood, yeah?

Yes, and it's horrible.

And because she loved the clowns in the circus,

we used to have custard pie fights around the house.

We did it, like, once.

She was like - "Pie me in the face, pie me in the face!"

I was, like, five years old.

Well, it was fun then,

it's bound to be fun now.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Do me, do me.

Yeah, pie me in the face!

Pie me in the face!

CLATTERING

Dad?

Hey, kids.

This...

is how we clean the windows.

OH...

CLATTERING

I'm all right, I'm all right.

Let me just try that again.

That might have been the most embarrassing thing that has ever

happened to me, but at least it's stopped me from wanting to stay

-young.

-Which was obviously my plan.

OK, ready?

Lily's message to her future self, take one.

Hello, Lily, this is Lily from the past.

You're all grown-up now, living in your own house,

and married to Rob Edwards.

Hi, future Rob.

But I'm here with a serious message.

Right now, I'm clever.

I won the Debating Society medal.

And I got an A+ plus on my last English essay.

But, future Lily, you're getting older and maybe you've started

to lose brain power, so here's my warning. Hang on to your cleverness.

You can be that globetrotting TV reporter or celebrity vet.

Just go out there and get it.

Oh! And when you sneeze, don't say bless my mittens.

It's really weird.

And cut.

Let's try it with a bit more desperation.

I mean, this is the future of your brain we're talking about.

Good news, girls, I found another tin of old photos.

-Oh, great.

-Sorry, Mum, but we're doing something important.

-Who's that?

-Oh, that's my mum.

Lily's granny.

There she is getting a Royal Society award for scientific achievement.

Sorry, what?

Yeah. Very clever woman, your granny.

Well-respected scientist.

And I'm hearing this for the first time now?

Well, she's very modest, your gran.

Hates me banging on about her achievements.

I always thought you take after her, Lily.

Ah, Rufus.

Just the chap. This is Margarita.

Her family have just moved over here from Spain,

I wondered if you could show her around.

Rufus is our Spanish language whiz,

so if anyone can make you feel at home, it's him.

Hi.

Oh. Hello, or should I say, "Hola"?

-How did the test go?

-Great.

Those lessons with Rufus really paid off.

And you'll be relieved to know

we don't have to pretend to go out any more.

Oh!

Good. It was starting to make me feel a bit strange.

What will you tell Rufus?

I'll just tell him I dumped you.

Why don't you tell him I dumped you?

I want to make it seem more believable.

I think me dumping you is just as believable.

-I disagree.

-Well, I beg to differ.

Look, I'm meeting Rufus in a minute.

He's bound to be upset that I still don't want to go out with him,

so give us some privacy.

All right, all right.

SPANISH MUSIC

-Rufus?

-Oh, hi, Martha.

Can't stop. I'm on my way to lunchtime dancing club.

MUSIC CONTINUES

So, you know I've always wanted to improve my electronics?

-Yes.

-Well, the funny thing is,

Alfie's an expert and he's offered to give me some lessons.

-Oh, no.

-Martha.

For you.

Hmm.

So, you know I said we could stop pretending to go out?

Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to hold hands for a few more days.

Um, when Alfie's around.

Guys, did you hear?

Turns out my granny is, like, an award-winning scientist.

And I take after her, not my mum.

That's perfectly normal.

Yeah, some characteristics seem to skip a generation.

The thing is, I do love my mum, but one Mrs Hampton is quite enough.

Hey, guys.

Lily, you're right. Cheese and jam sandwiches are lush.

-What?

-Oh, nice flowers.

Atchoo!

Oh, bless my mittens.

Noooooo!