Ms Perfect So Awkward

-ALARM BELLS RING

-What happened?

-The school burned down.

-Wow...

-Yup.

It'll take months to rebuild it.

Until then, there'll be no school,

no lessons,

no homework,

no getting up early,

no lessons...

-LILY:

-Rob!

Huh?

I was having an amazing dream.

Was I in it?

No, it was me scoring the winning goal of the World Cup.

-Oh. Good for you.

-I can't believe I fell asleep in class!

I wouldn't worry.

You're not the only one.

HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY Burned down...

No school,

no lessons,

no marking...

Hm...

-# Ooh-ooh-ooh

-Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh!

# Ooh!

# So... So... So...

# Ooh-ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

# Aah-aah, aah Aah-aah, aah, aah-aah

# So... So... So... So...

# So, oooh

# So awkward! #

Best documentary I've seen all year.

I was hooked from the opening line.

Is our behaviour shaped by inherited characteristics,

or is it more determined by the surrounding environment?

Try switching over after that!

It's so nice, after a hard day of school, to turn on the TV

and let a science documentary wash over you.

Oh, yes, absolute bliss. Ow!

Sorry, Lily. Aiming for the goal.

Oh... That's OK.

You know, although Rob is ABSOLUTELY perfect,

he'd be even MORE perfect

if sometimes he was a little less "boy".

I mean, do you ever get the sense that boys and girls

aren't on the same wavelength?

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

THEY CHEER

GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

Well, girls are more advanced than boys at this age.

Biologically, emotionally and intellectually.

Well, hang on. What about me?

-Oh. You're not like that, Ollie.

-Oh, good!

No. You're just like one of the girls.

Oh... Thanks...?

What's wrong? I was giving you a compliment.

I just think it's a silly thing to say.

I mean, no-one else thinks I'm one of the girls.

-Hi, girls.

-Oh!

Please tell me you've got your parent consent forms

signed for the History field trip.

Oh, come on, you don't want to miss Warwick Castle!

It's History, but it actually isn't boring!

Sorry, Sir - got to get to Geography now.

Ms Parfitt's erupting her volcano, and we want front row seats.

Hmm, Ms Parfitt - new teacher.

-What's she like, then?

-Sorry. Can't talk.

-Can't be late.

-Geography!

-I'm a boy!

ALL CHATTER Right.

The Spanish Armada. The Spanish...

ALL CONTINUE CONVERSATIONS Er, hello? Boys...

Girls!

Huh?

So I thought we could watch a movie at mine tonight.

-I've got the perfect one.

-What's it about?

Well, there's this really funny girl and this really cute guy,

and they're kind of opposites and they argue and stuff,

but underneath, he's, like, really sensitive...

Sounds a bit girlie. What about Bug Splatter 4?

There's this bit where the bug monsters get melted

and all this slime comes out!

Settle down, please!

What has got into you lot?

I've never seen you like this!

Sir, I think it's because we just had

the most amazing Geography lesson of our lives.

-Yeah. Ms Parfitt erupted her volcano. It was awesome!

-All right.

Real smoke came out of it and everything.

Well, obviously you need gimmicks like that for Geography,

because it's a little bit boring.

Oh, Sir!

Geography isn't boring. It's amazing.

It's my favourite subject.

I thought you liked History!

Think about all the cool stuff...we've been learning.

-Rob, what's been your favourite History topic this term?

-Er...

Dragons.

Firstly, we haven't done dragons.

Secondly, dragons do not exist.

-I know that. They died out, right?

-No, no, they...

HE SIGHS Never mind.

Geography is cool,

because it's about what's happening to our planet right now.

The tectonic plates moving beneath our feet.

-The restless energy of powerful oceans.

-What about History?

The war...

..and dates...

..and, er, documents...?

But Ms Parfitt just has this way of bringing Geography alive.

Yeah. She's, like, the best teacher ever.

And she's friendly and cool and interesting and funny...

-Yeah, all right!

-Honestly, you'll love her.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Turns out we all just had the wrong textbooks!

ALL LAUGH

I know, how embarrassing!

CHUCKLING

Morning. Hi.

I'm Jeff Malone, History.

Oh, Vicky Parfitt, Geography.

Have to say, my lot loved the volcano.

-Oh! Works every time.

-I always thought Geography was boring.

Maps, maps, maps...

You know, I was glad when they brought in sat navs

and made the whole thing pointless.

Hmm... Well, maybe you just had a bad teacher.

-Some of them really can't be bothered, you know?

-Yeah...

-BEEPING This is new.

-Oh, yeah.

It's my gift to all of you.

I can't function without my coffee. Do you want one?

-Cappuccino, espresso?

-No, thanks. I'm...I'm a tea man.

-Oh!

Good for you, Jeff. You stick to your guns.

There's some really gifted students here.

I can't wait to get them all out on a Geography field trip.

Yeah, I love the field trips. I'm doing the History one.

Nothing better than a day out away from boring old school.

Well, I'll let you get on.

-I'm sure you're itching to plan your next lesson.

-Yeah, right!

No, I'll probably just wing it...

..as usual.

It's only the Spanish Armada of 1586.

1588?

Yeah, something like that.

I mean, physically, I couldn't be any more of a boy. What with this...

-What are you pointing out?

-My stubble.

-I can't see anything.

I've obviously been spending too much time with girls.

I need to absorb the influences of a typical boy.

But typical boys are horrible. Unhygienic, immature...

But where to find a typically boyish influence?

HUGE BURP NEARBY

-ALL LAUGH

-That was a good one, wasn't it?

Oh... The perfect mentor!

Mmm! You're right, Vicky,

you really can taste the hint of toffee in the Guatemalan beans.

-You've got a new coffee machine, as well, then?

-Yes.

A bit pricey, but worth every penny. Would you like one?

Latte, cappuccino, espresso?

-No, thank you. I'm a tea man. DISDAINFULLY:

-Oh.

-Do you have any tea?

-No.

Now, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

It seems I've discovered a black hole in the school's finances.

You know how little money there is an education.

Frankly, I wonder where it all goes sometimes.

-BEEPING

-Whoa!

New chair?

Oh, yes, top-of-the-range.

I'm still getting used to it.

Anyway, what I'm saying is we can't afford to do both History

and the Geography field trip, I was thinking,

to be nice to Ms Parfitt,

seeing as she's new, we cancel the History trip.

But my trip was arranged ages ago!

Well, I'm sorry, but in the current financial climate,

we all need to tighten our belts.

-Blinds!

-WHIRRING

That's better. The sun was in my eyes.

-How much were they?!

-How about letting the children decide?

We could have a vote, and the trip with the most votes goes ahead.

-Cool with me. Bit of competition never hurt anyone, eh, Jeff?

-No.

Bring it on. I'm not scared. The kids love History.

-They love Geography.

-Good.

-I'm so glad we found a solution.

-So am I.

-Couldn't be happier.

Just don't cry if you lose. BEEPING

Don't you cry.

I won't lose, so I won't cry.

-I think you will lose.

-I know you'll lose.

-Now you're being childish.

-I know you are.

PRINCIPAL LAUGHS

-You all right, Ollie?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Just don't mind me.

You just carry on.

Just carry on being a boy.

So, you told Rob he was rude, immature and disgusting?

I thought he'd be pleased.

It's obviously the image he's going for.

But rather than saying,

"Thank you, Ollie, I will help you be like me,"

he just pulled a frown-y face, then left!

Why not just enjoy being one of the girls?

Oh, I've got the perfect headband!

Hey, Ollie!

I've been thinking about what you said, and I'm up for it.

-I'll teach you boy stuff.

-Great!

First, no more frog headbands, OK?

Oh, right, no... It's...

It's not... It's not mine. It's Jas'...

So, Cheddar Gorge.

Ancient limestone caves

where they once found the world's oldest human skeleton,

which was 9,000 years old.

Hello. I've just run out of A5 paper

and wondered if I could borrow some.

-Sure. Go crazy.

-What's going on here?

We're examining limestone.

Ooh! Aren't you worried you'll get them overexcited?

I can always calm them down with some historical facts.

Always sends me off to sleep.

So, Cheddar Gorge.

Formed 1.2 million years ago.

Who knows what lurks in its mysterious depths?

Probably rocks, if I had to guess.

Rocks and darkness.

Now, the history of Warwick Castle, on the other hand,

won't be really dull.

-Have you found the paper?

-Oh, is this the volcano?

What, that large thing shaped like a volcano?

-How do you make the smoke come out?

-I'd rather not say.

It spoils the magic.

Hmm. Secretive.

First lesson - bants.

-Pretty sure that's not a word.

-It's short for "banter".

Imagine my team lost 4-0 at the weekend

and you see me at school on Monday. What would you say?

I...probably wouldn't mention it.

-I mean, I doubt you'd want to be reminded.

-I wouldn't.

But you'd want to rub it in.

You'd go, "Saw you lose at the weekend.

"You're going down! 4-0! 4-0!"

-Doesn't all this seem rather cruel and heartless?

-That's what boys do.

-We show each other we're mates by being horrible to each other.

-Right.

Now football. First, you need a team.

Then you need to find your rival team.

The rivalries are everything.

Ah, so it's just like Spain and England in the 16th century.

Why, what happened there?

Oh, well, they were always trying to outdo each other.

Spain tried to invade England,

so the English packed their ships full of explosives,

set them on fire and sent them to blow up the Spanish fleet.

Really? That sounds pretty epic!

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, back to the man lesson.

Wait a minute. What happened with the exploding ships?

If you tell me about that,

I'll teach you how to do a really loud burp.

You've got yourself a deal.

Geography...25.

History...

Three?!

MOCKINGLY: Ooh, I'm Ms Perfect!

Everybody loves me!

I make Geography come alive! Oh!

-Hello, Mr Malone.

-Oh!

-You two... You all right?

-Quite well.

Although we were most surprised

to see you in our Geography class today,

saying you'd run out of paper.

-Yes.

-As stationery monitors, Cassie and I pride ourselves

on keeping the classrooms stocked up with sufficient paper.

A4, A5, lined, plain and graph.

Oh, well, looks like you dropped the ball. Never mind.

-I don't think Cassie or I have ever "dropped the ball", Mr Malone.

-No.

Not unless it was during some kind of sporting activity.

Don't let it worry you. Oh, hey...

I bet you two clever clogs know how Ms Parfitt makes smoke come

out of that volcano, don't you?

I could probably guess a method that would be simple, yet ingenious.

But we wouldn't tell you. It might spoil the magic. Goodbye.

MOCKINGLY: Ooh, I'm Ms Perfect!

I've got a volcano and nobody knows how it works! Nobody...

Oh, please! Call me Vicky.

-I...

-Are you checking the numbers?

-No!

I was looking at the girls' lost property list.

Yup. How about you?

Me? No, I'm...I'm just passing.

Well, good.

-Goodbye, then.

-Yeah. See you.

SHE WHOOPS

That guy, Brad. He's a lot like you, really.

Although he's a boy and does boy stuff,

he's also sensitive and sweet.

Isn't he, Rob?

HE CHUCKLES

Sorry? Ollie just sent me a video

of someone squeezing a massive spot. Look.

YELLING FROM VIDEO CLIP

Ms Perfect...

I mean, Ms Parfitt?

How do you work, then?

Eh?

OK, guys. Come in, sit down.

Are you going to erupt the volcano this lesson, Miss?

-I certainly am.

-Yeah!

The Rob I fell for is sweet, sensitive and cute.

Isn't he?

Er...

No.

No, Rob's more...

What's the word? More...

HUGE BURP

That's the word.

When a volcano erupts, there's a humongous explosion

and ash and smoke and super-hot molten lava all shoot out of it.

And if you're close by, you're toast.

Now, to make our model erupt,

I'm going to pour this stinky chemical

down the mouth of the volcano.

It's going to react with the stuff underneath it

and, hopefully, make it all catch fire. Are you ready?

You have done a full risk-assessment on this, Miss?

Of course I have, Cassie. Trust me, there's nothing to worry about.

But what about the psychological impact of a sudden explosion?

Of course, I'm fine with it,

but what about the more easily scared members of the class?

Guys, it's going to be fine.

It's just a few flames and a bit of smoke.

I promise, nothing scary is going to come out of it. Ready?

Wait, stop! ALL SCREAM

THUD

Wow! I wasn't expecting that!

And Rob is a total boy when it comes to food. He's obsessed by it.

He's always scoffing things messily and talking with his mouth full.

-That's terrible.

-I know. If only I could de-boy-ify him somehow...

I know! We'll dress a Sixth Former up as Rob from the future.

He's come back in time to warn Rob to change his ways to save mankind.

OK... Or I could give Rob a taste of his own medicine,

by acting all boy to him so he sees how annoying it is.

Oh, Lily! You and your ridiculous plans! What are you like?!

Right...

I can't function without my coffee.

A bit of competition never hurt anyone.

What are you doing inside the volcano?!

HE SIGHS

Looks like we might be about to run out of coffee.

Right.

BEEPING

WHIRRING

That's quite strong.

Nothing a man like me can't take, of course!

BEEPING AND WHIRRING

BEEPING

Ooh!

-Hello, can't stop!

-Oh, Jeff.

You don't know what happened to all the coffee, do you?

-No, no, I don't drink coffee. I'm a tea man.

-You all right?

-You seem a bit jittery.

-I'm not jittery!

Why would you say I'm jittery?! There's nothing jittery about me!

Sorry I'm late. Ms Perfect kept me talking in the corridor.

Nice woman, bit keen, don't know why they call her Ms Perfect, though.

She has her faults, just like all of us. Now, where were we?

Warwick Castle! These are all the exciting things you'll be

seeing on the History field trip! So much more exciting

than the Geography field trip to Cheddar Gorge! Yawn! Boring!

Look at all the great stuff?!

A moat, a keep, a drawbridge, a gatehouse!

And let's not forget other fascinating sites in the area,

like Diabolo's Pizza which we may also be visiting,

the ice-cream shop,

which will also feature on the tour, and the excellent example

of late 20th-century architecture - the skate park.

SILENCE

PENCIL DROPS

LULLABY MUSIC PLAYS

So, the Geography field trip is to...Cheddar...Gorge.

Cheddar Gorge is a...

It's like a big cave...

Big old cave.

It's very, very...big.

I think some of us would like to know a little bit more

about the limestone bedrock?

-SHE SIGHS

-Bed...

And others might appreciate some questions, to test their knowledge.

Mmm. Good idea.

Here's one.

Has anyone brought any coffee?

And another thing - boys don't say a lot.

If we can, we just say the words "safe", "whatevs", or "meh".

I see.

-I mean, safe.

-Whatevs.

Right, go and practise. Oh, wait.

Did you bring in that book about the Spanish Armada? Safe.

-Meh.

-CRACK!

Hi, Rob.

Hi, Ollie.

Whatevs.

All right, Lily?

SHE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

Tonight? I don't know. I'm cool with just hanging out.

-How's it going?

-Not well.

He's not even noticed I've been all greedy and disgusting.

OK. Time for plan B.

I'm you, from the future.

You've got to stop being a boy

or there'll be dire consequences for mankind.

Jas!

So...do I get those crisps now?

Geography trip...38.

All-you-can-eat-ice-cream History trip - 36?

Curse you, Malone!

Feeling OK, Ms Parfitt?

You looked a bit tired earlier.

I'm fine now, thanks. But it's weird how we ran out of coffee like that.

-Well, don't look at me. I'm a tea man.

-Of course you are.

Let me guess how you take it.

Very weak and not in the slightest bit sweet.

It's not fair that I'm even having to compete with you.

My trip was first.

If there is only money for one, then it should be mine.

So, put that in your volcano and smoke it.

-MOCKINGLY:

-I'm Mr Moan!

My trip was first! Wah, wah, wah!

Right! The gloves are coming off!

OK, so maybe I need to be even more like Rob to show him

how annoying his boy-ness is.

That's not boy-ness, that's just Rob-ness.

And Ollie wasn't like a girl. He was just Ollie.

And now he's turning into Rob. What have I done?

Oh, dear! Oh, dear...!

Oh!

Urgh!

What?

Please don't let Ollie learn how to burp.

Hey, quick question - who's better, boys or girls?

Is that a real question?

I say girls are better, which is why you should sign up

to the Geography field trip with me and not History with Mr Malone.

But we love History and Geography.

And there's no all-you-can-eat ice cream on the Geography trip.

And that Elizabeth I didn't mess about, did she?

-Anyone crossed her and she was like, "Off with their head!"

-Lads...

Oh, why haven't you signed up yet? We can't let Ms Perfect win.

-"Ms Perfect"?

-Ms Parfitt, she's called, Rob.

Don't call her Ms Perfect - it's very rude.

An ancient cave full of mystery.

It'll really help with your exams.

And Geography is the most science-y of all the humanities subjects.

Battlements. A torture chamber.

-A moat.

-A moat?

-Full of sharks.

-Really?

-Might be...?

And it's called Cheddar Gorge, Jas,

because you can literally gorge yourself on Cheddar.

-Is that the real reason?

-Might be.

I did it! I won!

Yes! Get in!

ICE-CREAM VAN VERSION OF GREENSLEEVES PLAYS

-Oh, yeah!

-Congratulations, Sir!

-MUSIC POWERS DOWN

Thanks, Rob. I...

Looking forward to the trip to...Warwick Castle, eh?

I don't mind which trip we go on.

Just as long as I get a day off boring school.

Well, that's not the right attitude, is it?

I feel a bit sorry for Ms Parfitt, though.

She was looking forward to showing us the stalagmites and stuff.

-Yeah, I bet she was.

-She's, like, obsessed with teaching, isn't she?

Not like you, Sir.

You're not like a teacher.

You're just like one of us.

Later, Sir.

Hmm.

KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, hello.

I was just going through my parental consent forms.

As much as it pains me to say it, congratulations.

Best man won.

Even if the best woman didn't.

Oh, thank you. I just...wish that the school could do both trips.

-Hey, still got the best job in the world, right?

-Mmm.

You really do think that, don't you?

I actually do.

Weird, eh?

-See you later.

-Bye!

ALL CHATTER

Right, the Spanish Armada!

Where's Ollie?

Not like you to be late, Ollie.

-Sit down.

-Safe.

Yes, when you're ready...!

-Are you OK, Ollie?

-Meh...

Actually, look, I should tell you -

I'm afraid, I've got some bad news about Warwick Castle.

Unfortunately, I lost your parent consent forms,

so Ms Parfitt's trip

will go ahead instead.

She probably deserves it more.

She's a... She's a much better teacher than me.

No, no, no, no! No, I don't want you to argue.

You're not... You're not arguing with me...

Well, enjoy Cheddar Gorge.

-I've decided that I won't be doing any more trips.

-What?

That's a terrible decision!

That's worse than Philip of Spain launching an Armada against England.

Well, it is what I have, er...

-Sorry?

-You know? The Spanish Armada?

1588?

Rob knows some history!

I taught Rob some history!

Well, actually, it was more...

I don't need volcanoes or cannons to bring history alive.

I'm a brilliant teacher.

I do deserve my trip!

Oh! Look!

The...parent consent forms are in the bin all along!

Crisis averted.

Warwick Castle, here we come!

HUGE BURP

I did it!

I mean, er... Pardon.

-"An even bigger black hole in the school's finances"?

-Yes.

I discovered it today. Tragic, isn't it?

I just cannot think how this has happened.

Oh, it's a bit cold.

Heating up 10%!

-COMPUTER VOICE:

-Temperature increase - 10%.

-Voice-activated central heating?

-Amazing, isn't it?

Anyway, as I was saying, we can't afford to do either field trip.

-But, it...

-But the good news is

we can do the History and the Geography field trip

if we relocate both of them to the school field.

-The school field?

-Yes!

You can explore the Geography of the school field,

and Mr Malone can examine the History of the school field.

I mean, they are called "field" trips so, in a way,

this is totally appropriate.

PING!

Toasted panini?

I'm sure you can do Cheddar Gorge next term.

And you can do Warwick Castle.

I think you secretly like teaching just as much as me.

Well, the kids are all right, and some of the teachers...

-Look, do you fancy getting a coffee?

-I quite fancy a tea, actually.

Geography's still better than History, though.

Oh, History's amazing! All the kings and queens?

-It's not as good as a volcano!

-Oh, not that volcano again!

Ollie! Thank you!

-Er, for what?

-Your plan!

To make Rob less boy. It worked!

Last week he wanted to watch this DVD about slimy alien bug monsters,

and now he wants to have a History study date.

Er, yeah, yes, of course -

that was the plan all along...

Use my influence to affect his behaviour.

Classic nurture triumphing over nature.

Ollie, I'm sorry I said you were one of the girls.

You're obviously one of the boys.

Oh, yes...

-EXAGGERATED:

-Wow, Ollie! Look at all that stubble!

You really must start shaving soon!

Yeah, it's getting quite itchy, actually.

Just as long as there's no more burping.

Oh, no, I won't be doing that.

I realised that just because I was a boy,

I don't have to do everything Rob does.

-See you later, Ollie.

-Safe.