So Long, Farewell So Awkward

Morning, darling.

Cereal?

Mm-hm.

Which one?

Um...cornflakes.

Which milk?

Skimmed, semi-skimmed, whole, organic, goat's, almond?

Skimmed?

What colour bowl?

What size spoon?

BOOM!

Oh!

Maybe she wanted toast.

Morning, darling.

Cereal?

Toast!

I've been thinking of potential names for our secret project

to create smartphone technology that can be controlled by blinking.

What's wrong with its current name -

Secret Project To Create Smartphone Technology

That Can Be Controlled By Blinking?

Mm, it's a bit time-consuming?

But I thought, from now on, we could call it Project...

TINKLING

Project...? TINKLING

I like it.

Yes!

Oh, you've done it, darling!

"We're delighted to offer Martha Fitzgerald a place...

BOTH: "..at Greatacre School for Girls"!

Oh, my old school!

Every year, they hand-pick the creme de la creme of students

from across the country, and this year they've picked you.

This is brilliant news.

I would have been the first person in the county to go there,

if I hadn't been beaten to it by

County Student Of The Year Belinda Watts...

PAPER SCRUNCHES

Belinda "Big Brain" Watts...

Ahem!

And now you can replicate my journey to greatness.

One of those steps is going to Greatacre.

There are many paths to greatness, Martha,

but only one path to Greatacre.

And that path is 372 miles away.

It's slightly longer than your current commute,

which is why Martha will be boarding there full-time.

-We can see each other at weekends.

-There are no weekends at Greatacre -

becoming great is a full-time pursuit.

We can video conference each other.

That's the Greatacre attitude -

-solutions not problems.

-OLLIE WHEEZES AND GASPS

We both need to accept your place online,

but first, we need to get Mrs Griggs

to sign these forms to verify your grades.

-We've got until the end of the week.

-Understood.

Isn't this just the best day of our careers?

I mean, lives!

Is there a difference?

HE WHEEZES

There are many paths to greatness,

but only one path to Greatacre.

So, in summary, I'm leaving at the end of term. Any questions?

In this, my darkest hour,

I have concluded there is just one way

to cope with a Martha-less existence.

Cold turkey.

No, it's peanut butter and ham.

Wait, no... Look, no.

I mean, the only way to prepare ourselves for Martha leaving

is to go cold turkey. Cut off all contact with her from now on.

Won't we be better off making the most of Martha

while she's still here?

Cherishing each moment, building new memories.

Mm, what she said.

Let the record show...

I tried.

Forget cold turkey, we'll do the complete opposite.

Hot nut roast?

That's what will happen if Martha Fitzgerald leaves.

More recycling?

Our grade average will drop, we'll slide down the league tables,

and we can kiss goodbye to the funding

-for the dance hall named in my honour.

-By you!

So, I've come up with a plan to stop Martha from leaving.

Which is?

Ask Mrs Rennison if she has any idea

how we can stop Martha from leaving.

-Oh!

-Well?

-It's her choice.

Once you've signed the form, she'll be consigned to Cranmede history.

Unless I don't sign the forms.

If I hide from her, I can't sign, and she can't leave.

That's it, I'll hide.

Genius!

SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Where is Mrs Griggs gone?

"Oh, she's nowhere to be found.

"If she cannae be found, she cannae be signing any forms."

Oh!

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were there.

Ollie!

We have to talk.

It's about Project... TINKLING

Oh, er...

Ollie, you have to look at me, or the name won't work.

Ollie, if this is a game, A, I don't know the rules,

and B, I don't like the game.

Look at me.

I have an overdue library book to return.

OK.

Well, I'll see you at one for

our regular catch up on Project... TINKLING

SHE SIGHS

I'm really starting to go off that name.

Hey, Lily, I bet you can't wait to support Rob

at the match this week, eh?

Oh, Lily's allergic to football.

This isn't any old match - didn't Rob tell you?

A City United football scout is coming to watch him.

A top-of-the-league, cup-winning City United -

this could be a huge opportunity for Rob.

-He hasn't...

-..Stopped talking about it? Me neither!

I'm surprised you haven't been telling the whole world

-about it, too.

-He hasn't mentioned it yet.

-Ooh, awkward...!

Hey, if they sign him, he'll be mega famous and you'll be his Wag.

Ah! Rude!

No, it means "wife and girlfriend".

In many ways, Rob very much remind me of myself at his age -

star of the football team, natural leader, funny guy...

I remember, in one game, we were 2-0 down and I got the ball,

I was on the left-hand side, I was a left winger...

Delay Martha for me!

I'm not sure I can - Martha can be very determined.

Let me put it another way. If Martha leaves,

things won't look so rosy for the History grade average,

which means having to cut the History budget, such as your salary.

-Delay Martha for me?

-Absolutely.

-Mrs Griggs...!

-Hey, Martha, glad I found you!

-I'm here to see Mrs Griggs.

-Yeah, but this is important.

You see, we need to talk about Grey...Flood...School?

Greatacre.

I've heard things - things that will stop you wanting to go there.

-Excuse...

-Yeah, the school's got BO.

Yeah, its got the stinkiest kids in Britain,

and the caretaker is particularly stinky.

And as for the teachers, whew!

Excuse me.

And...they haven't got any toilets!

SHE KNOCKS

Do you want to hang out at mine after school on Thursday?

Unless you've got some potentially life-changing plans, that is?

Sounds great.

Oh, no can do.

-Got a match on Thursday.

-Oh, really?

I had ABSOLUTELY no idea in the slightest.

In that case, I'll come along.

But you're allergic to football.

I'll just watch with the other watchers...

..coming to watch you.

It's only a friendly.

Yeah, and I'm your girl-friendly.

So I'll come and support you.

Is there anyone else coming that I should know of?

The caretaker sometimes comes.

SHE SIGHS

BOOM! >

LAUGHTER

Why are you sitting here?

It's taken, sorry.

Oh, Martha, I hear congratulations are in order.

Greatacre is an establishment I hope to attend.

It's good to aim high.

Actually, they've already offered me a place for when I'm older.

-And wiser?

-No, just older.

Ollie, shall we leave

to work on Project...? TINKLING

I choose to stay here.

Oh, OK. Very well.

I repeat, why are you sitting here?

-HE SIGHS

-When Martha leaves,

she'll be making new friends, so I am, too,

and with an absence of worthy candidates, you two will have to do.

"Martha is leaving, too sad to speak."

What?! But you don't even know her.

I'm the only one qualified to mourn Martha -

-I'm so sad, I haven't slept in days.

-I just toss and turn.

I'm so sad I've gone off all my food.

-I can't even spell "food".

-OK, well, I'm so sad,

I'm making a memory book of all the things we've done together.

What a fantastic idea! I'll make one, too.

The challenge has been set.

When the books are complete, we'll judge them

and crown one of you Top Mourner.

OK.

The caretaker sometimes comes!

Well, at least I'm taking this life-changing opportunity seriously,

-even if he's not.

-Concentrate.

Right, let's try this again.

Describe the handbag on page nine.

OMD, hashtag...totes gorge, er...

I'm well jel...

Pretty good.

Semi colon, right bracket. Smiley face winking.

Have you seen Mrs Griggs?

Martha, I can speak text.

-What?

-Oh, I'm teaching her the ways of the Wag.

-You can help.

-Yeah, it'll be our last chance to work together.

Colon, left bracket, sad face.

-I have to get these signed, I don't really have time.

-For friends?

To waste.

We're a waste of time?

I just don't have time for child's play.

This isn't child's play.

This is a chance for me to support Rob and make him proud

on the most important day of his life,

even if he hasn't mentioned it to me yet.

This is my life.

And this is mine -

my real life -

not some football make-believe.

If you're too obsessed with Greatacre

to help a friend at an important moment in her life,

then maybe...

Maybe you SHOULD leave!

Now you really are being childish.

Hashtag, chill.

Is that right?

A what?

A Wag. I looked it up online,

it means a wife and/or girlfriend of a footballer.

So now the girls aren't speaking to me

and Ollie's acting odd around me, too.

Perfect preparation for Greatacre.

There's no speaking during school hours,

so you can focus on studying.

Although, of course, that didn't apply

to County Student Of The Year Belinda Watts.

Surely we can speak at lunch?

Heavens, no, lunchtime is called Recharge -

a time to sit in silence and prepare your mind for more learning.

Isn't that just a perfect concept?

Perfect.

Money is no object to a Wag, but it is an object for us,

so I've created some budget outfits inspired by the catwalk.

Right.

Well?

Why are they all so very yellow...?

The colour of City United's kit, silly.

I'm sorry, Jas, these just won't do.

It's vital that I look really elegant to make Rob proud.

To show him that I'm, like, totally sophisticated.

Oh, although these are all right,

-I've always wanted to be a bit taller.

-My work is done.

RINGING

Cold turkey, be strong.

BEEPING

Phew.

SHE CHOKES

It's cold.

That's the Greatacre way.

Hot drinks make you sleepy, cold drinks make you alert,

and alert people learn more.

So, drink up. And I bought you this...

..to celebrate getting into Greatacre.

So, now we can chart your journey to becoming just like me.

Thank you.

I can almost do it.

Stay focused, Lily,

you need a basic understanding of football to impress Rob.

I wish Martha was here to back me up.

SHE SIGHS

You're right, carry on.

Lesson one, the offside rule.

Baby Sparkles, Lucy Lion, Pecky Hen and Super Derek are our defenders,

-also known as the back four.

-The back four...?

Crumples the Bunny is our striker.

The player is offside if he is nearer to his opponents' goal line

than both the ball and the second-last opponent.

So, is Crumples the Bunny offside?

Look, Jas, I can almost do it!

Ah!

Hashtag, ouch!

Ollie, drop everything, I've had a major breakthrough

with Project... TINKLING

It will make your jaw drop.

-STUTTERING:

-Now's not really...a...great time.

Now is the perfect time, Ollie.

TINKLING

MOBILE TRILLS

Consider my jaw dropped!

It's just a prototype, but with your coding skills,

we can finish it before I move to Greatacre.

What's that?

Yeah, it's a...

It's just a project, really,

and I really haven't got time for you right now.

For this.

Ah, sorry.

It's OK to admit you're nervous, there's a lot riding on the game.

Nervous!

Last season, we beat them 11-0 -

and they were lucky to get the nil.

That's a joke, Lils.

Well, it's time you took it more seriously,

especially if football is going to be your career.

My career? It's just a game of football.

-Just a game of football?

-Yes.

-"Yes"?!

-You're scaring me now.

Scared?

You can't buckle under pressure on the football field, Rob Edwards!

You need to perform when all eyes on you, judging you,

deciding your future!

Whatevs.

Did the subtle hint work? Did he mention the football scout?

No, he clearly doesn't want me there. Should I be suspicious?

Say "no"! Say "no"! Say "no".

Yes!

-Sometimes I wish you were a better liar, Jas.

-Me, too...

-May I?

-Oh, still no signature from Mrs Griggs?

-Changed your mind, decided you're not cut out for Greatacre?

-My forms?

Of course, it's hard for me to understand your dilemma,

as I've already got my place at Greatacre.

I've so got to find Mrs Griggs.

Has she gone?

Has she gone?

Has she gone?

"Delete Martha?"

"Yes".

What have I done?!

It's very...

..heavy.

We ate these every day at Greatacre, they're called Cerebral Cakes.

But Belinda Watts nicknamed them Belinda Brain Bombs.

The unique mix of herbs and vitamins is meant to boost IQ.

BOTH GAG

Hm...

I'd forgotten how good they taste.

I can't wait to finish mine...

..later.

SMASHING

You know, it's almost as if Mrs Griggs is trying to avoid me.

I won't let her stop your journey to greatness.

I think it's time I popped in

and had a friendly little word in her ear.

Griggs!

Sign the forms.

Yes, unfortunately, my pen has just exploded.

Unfortunately, I've superglued my hand into a useless fist.

I can read you like a book!

A gripping page-turner, I hope!

More like an overdue library book...

..with pages missing!

You think if Martha leaves,

so does your dream of having the Mrs Griggs Dance Hall, hm?

But remind me, who controls the school finances?

Hang on, I know this one...

The Governors. And who's the Chair of Governors,

and can therefore heavily influence their decision

-IF these forms get signed?

-You?

Exactly. No signature, and there'll be no help from me.

How's that glued fist?

Oh, what a relief!

The glue isn't so super after all.

Where shall I sign?

-The Martha memory books?

-Let's see them.

And this is volume two.

The winner...

..and Top Mourner is...

Oh, she's achieved so much!

"County Student Of The Year Martha Fitzgerald

"Wins The Watts Trophy,

"Named After Belinda Watts."

If Martha wins for a third year,

they'll rename it after her.

The Fitzgerald Trophy?

That won't happen now, though.

When Martha moves, it'll probably be the Watts Trophy forever.

Oh!

-What's that?

-Um... It, er... Um...

The day we won the Science Fair, did you make this for me?

No, of course not!

It's just a meaningless project I got forced to do.

Behold the final piece of the Wag puzzle.

Every celebrity worth their salt has their own perfume,

and now, so do you.

May I introduce Offside by Lily?

Whoop, whoop!

The gorgeous fragrance of peaches and cream.

Whoop, whoop!

Made using actual peaches and cream.

Whoop...! What?

Mm, so moreish, a perfume and handy snack in one.

The secret is letting it ferment overnight in my socks.

Offside by Lily!

Hang on, did you say "socks"?

Do you accept your place at Greatacre?

"Martha And Ollie's Next Chapter".

Do you accept Martha Fitzgerald's place at Greatacre?

Yes.

The Watts Trophy.

If Martha wins for a third year, they'll rename it after her...

-BOTH:

-No.

-BOTH:

-Are you sure?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-How am I going to tell Mother?

-How am I going to tell Martha?

SHOUTING

Lily?

WHISTLE

Referee!

He was clearly nearer to the opponents' goal line

than both the ball and the second-last opponent.

Come on, Rob, score!

What do we want? Goals!

When do we want them? Now!

When do we want? Goals! When do we want them? Now!

You're not a fan of chants? Mexican wave?

Ooh, yeah!

Oh, see number seven there? Rob Edwards? He's great, isn't he?

Rob Edwards!

Mm, your new perfume is delish.

So what have I missed?

Not much from Rob, he hasn't done nearly enough ball-kicking,

or that thing where you hit it with your head.

It's as if he's not trying.

This might help.

On reflection, I probably ate most of the ingredients,

so it's not as full as I hoped.

Spoiler alert, it smells like...

Socks.

True, but, all in all, it's not bad for a first attempt.

Oh, what's he doing now?

-Where are you going?

-To tell Rob to try harder.

Rob.

Rob!

Rob!

Lily, what are you wearing?

-Ah!

-THUD!

BOTH: Oooh!

Oh, Rob!

Nice and steady. You all right?

Oh, I've ruined it for Rob, haven't I?

Say "no"! Say "no"! Say "no"!

Yes!

I was looking for you.

Before you speak, there's something I want to say.

Whenever I imagined the next chapter in my life,

you were always there alongside me,

so I found your news hard to process.

But I just want you to know that I support your decision to go.

I'm staying.

You're...? You're... You're staying?

-TINKLING PHONE:

-Affirmative.

HE LAUGHS

I made it for you!

It's a long story.

I just wanted to prove I was cool enough to be your Wag,

and now I feel terrible for ruining your dream of joining City United.

City United? That football scout was from City Town.

I didn't mention it because they're in a lower league

than the team I currently play for.

Oh!

You know, you don't have to attack me with a handbag

to spend time alone with me, Lily.

HE SNIFFS

Can you smell socks?

So much peaches and cream.

Mother.

Martha.

I'll just let you two....

Jas, shall we...?

Too full, just pretend I'm not here.

BOTH: I turned down the place.

BOTH: You did?

BOTH: I did.

THEY LAUGH

-Like mother, like daughter.

-Exactly.

And, remember, we've not said "no" to Greatacre - simply "not yet".

There are many paths to greatness, Martha, and this is yours.

-Brain Bomb to celebrate?

-I'll pass.

Yes. Me, too.

Jas?

SHE GAGS