So Long, Farewell So Awkward


So Long, Farewell

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Morning, darling.

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Cereal?

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Mm-hm.

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Which one?

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Um...cornflakes.

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Which milk?

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Skimmed, semi-skimmed, whole, organic, goat's, almond?

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Skimmed?

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What colour bowl?

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What size spoon?

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BOOM!

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Oh!

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Maybe she wanted toast.

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Morning, darling.

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Cereal?

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Toast!

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I've been thinking of potential names for our secret project

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to create smartphone technology that can be controlled by blinking.

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What's wrong with its current name -

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Secret Project To Create Smartphone Technology

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That Can Be Controlled By Blinking?

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Mm, it's a bit time-consuming?

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But I thought, from now on, we could call it Project...

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TINKLING

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Project...? TINKLING

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I like it.

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Yes!

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Oh, you've done it, darling!

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"We're delighted to offer Martha Fitzgerald a place...

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BOTH: "..at Greatacre School for Girls"!

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Oh, my old school!

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Every year, they hand-pick the creme de la creme of students

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from across the country, and this year they've picked you.

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This is brilliant news.

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I would have been the first person in the county to go there,

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if I hadn't been beaten to it by

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County Student Of The Year Belinda Watts...

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PAPER SCRUNCHES

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Belinda "Big Brain" Watts...

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Ahem!

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And now you can replicate my journey to greatness.

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One of those steps is going to Greatacre.

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There are many paths to greatness, Martha,

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but only one path to Greatacre.

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And that path is 372 miles away.

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It's slightly longer than your current commute,

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which is why Martha will be boarding there full-time.

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-We can see each other at weekends.

-There are no weekends at Greatacre -

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becoming great is a full-time pursuit.

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We can video conference each other.

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That's the Greatacre attitude -

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-solutions not problems.

-OLLIE WHEEZES AND GASPS

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We both need to accept your place online,

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but first, we need to get Mrs Griggs

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to sign these forms to verify your grades.

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-We've got until the end of the week.

-Understood.

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Isn't this just the best day of our careers?

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I mean, lives!

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Is there a difference?

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HE WHEEZES

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There are many paths to greatness,

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but only one path to Greatacre.

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So, in summary, I'm leaving at the end of term. Any questions?

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In this, my darkest hour,

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I have concluded there is just one way

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to cope with a Martha-less existence.

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Cold turkey.

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No, it's peanut butter and ham.

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Wait, no... Look, no.

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I mean, the only way to prepare ourselves for Martha leaving

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is to go cold turkey. Cut off all contact with her from now on.

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Won't we be better off making the most of Martha

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while she's still here?

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Cherishing each moment, building new memories.

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Mm, what she said.

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Let the record show...

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I tried.

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Forget cold turkey, we'll do the complete opposite.

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Hot nut roast?

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That's what will happen if Martha Fitzgerald leaves.

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More recycling?

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Our grade average will drop, we'll slide down the league tables,

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and we can kiss goodbye to the funding

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-for the dance hall named in my honour.

-By you!

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So, I've come up with a plan to stop Martha from leaving.

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Which is?

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Ask Mrs Rennison if she has any idea

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how we can stop Martha from leaving.

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-Oh!

-Well?

-It's her choice.

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Once you've signed the form, she'll be consigned to Cranmede history.

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Unless I don't sign the forms.

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If I hide from her, I can't sign, and she can't leave.

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That's it, I'll hide.

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Genius!

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Where is Mrs Griggs gone?

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"Oh, she's nowhere to be found.

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"If she cannae be found, she cannae be signing any forms."

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Oh!

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Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were there.

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Ollie!

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We have to talk.

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It's about Project... TINKLING

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Oh, er...

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Ollie, you have to look at me, or the name won't work.

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Ollie, if this is a game, A, I don't know the rules,

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and B, I don't like the game.

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Look at me.

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I have an overdue library book to return.

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OK.

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Well, I'll see you at one for

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our regular catch up on Project... TINKLING

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SHE SIGHS

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I'm really starting to go off that name.

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Hey, Lily, I bet you can't wait to support Rob

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at the match this week, eh?

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Oh, Lily's allergic to football.

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This isn't any old match - didn't Rob tell you?

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A City United football scout is coming to watch him.

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A top-of-the-league, cup-winning City United -

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this could be a huge opportunity for Rob.

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-He hasn't...

-..Stopped talking about it? Me neither!

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I'm surprised you haven't been telling the whole world

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-about it, too.

-He hasn't mentioned it yet.

-Ooh, awkward...!

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Hey, if they sign him, he'll be mega famous and you'll be his Wag.

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Ah! Rude!

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No, it means "wife and girlfriend".

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In many ways, Rob very much remind me of myself at his age -

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star of the football team, natural leader, funny guy...

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I remember, in one game, we were 2-0 down and I got the ball,

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I was on the left-hand side, I was a left winger...

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Delay Martha for me!

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I'm not sure I can - Martha can be very determined.

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Let me put it another way. If Martha leaves,

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things won't look so rosy for the History grade average,

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which means having to cut the History budget, such as your salary.

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-Delay Martha for me?

-Absolutely.

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-Mrs Griggs...!

-Hey, Martha, glad I found you!

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-I'm here to see Mrs Griggs.

-Yeah, but this is important.

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You see, we need to talk about Grey...Flood...School?

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Greatacre.

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I've heard things - things that will stop you wanting to go there.

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-Excuse...

-Yeah, the school's got BO.

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Yeah, its got the stinkiest kids in Britain,

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and the caretaker is particularly stinky.

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And as for the teachers, whew!

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Excuse me.

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And...they haven't got any toilets!

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SHE KNOCKS

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Do you want to hang out at mine after school on Thursday?

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Unless you've got some potentially life-changing plans, that is?

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Sounds great.

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Oh, no can do.

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-Got a match on Thursday.

-Oh, really?

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I had ABSOLUTELY no idea in the slightest.

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In that case, I'll come along.

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But you're allergic to football.

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I'll just watch with the other watchers...

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..coming to watch you.

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It's only a friendly.

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Yeah, and I'm your girl-friendly.

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So I'll come and support you.

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Is there anyone else coming that I should know of?

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The caretaker sometimes comes.

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SHE SIGHS

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BOOM! >

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LAUGHTER

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Why are you sitting here?

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It's taken, sorry.

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Oh, Martha, I hear congratulations are in order.

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Greatacre is an establishment I hope to attend.

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It's good to aim high.

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Actually, they've already offered me a place for when I'm older.

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-And wiser?

-No, just older.

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Ollie, shall we leave

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to work on Project...? TINKLING

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I choose to stay here.

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Oh, OK. Very well.

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I repeat, why are you sitting here?

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-HE SIGHS

-When Martha leaves,

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she'll be making new friends, so I am, too,

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and with an absence of worthy candidates, you two will have to do.

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"Martha is leaving, too sad to speak."

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What?! But you don't even know her.

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I'm the only one qualified to mourn Martha -

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-I'm so sad, I haven't slept in days.

-I just toss and turn.

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I'm so sad I've gone off all my food.

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-I can't even spell "food".

-OK, well, I'm so sad,

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I'm making a memory book of all the things we've done together.

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What a fantastic idea! I'll make one, too.

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The challenge has been set.

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When the books are complete, we'll judge them

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and crown one of you Top Mourner.

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OK.

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The caretaker sometimes comes!

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Well, at least I'm taking this life-changing opportunity seriously,

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-even if he's not.

-Concentrate.

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Right, let's try this again.

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Describe the handbag on page nine.

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OMD, hashtag...totes gorge, er...

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I'm well jel...

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Pretty good.

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Semi colon, right bracket. Smiley face winking.

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Have you seen Mrs Griggs?

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Martha, I can speak text.

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-What?

-Oh, I'm teaching her the ways of the Wag.

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-You can help.

-Yeah, it'll be our last chance to work together.

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Colon, left bracket, sad face.

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-I have to get these signed, I don't really have time.

-For friends?

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To waste.

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We're a waste of time?

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I just don't have time for child's play.

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This isn't child's play.

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This is a chance for me to support Rob and make him proud

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on the most important day of his life,

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even if he hasn't mentioned it to me yet.

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This is my life.

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And this is mine -

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my real life -

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not some football make-believe.

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If you're too obsessed with Greatacre

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to help a friend at an important moment in her life,

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then maybe...

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Maybe you SHOULD leave!

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Now you really are being childish.

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Hashtag, chill.

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Is that right?

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A what?

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A Wag. I looked it up online,

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it means a wife and/or girlfriend of a footballer.

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So now the girls aren't speaking to me

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and Ollie's acting odd around me, too.

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Perfect preparation for Greatacre.

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There's no speaking during school hours,

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so you can focus on studying.

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Although, of course, that didn't apply

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to County Student Of The Year Belinda Watts.

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Surely we can speak at lunch?

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Heavens, no, lunchtime is called Recharge -

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a time to sit in silence and prepare your mind for more learning.

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Isn't that just a perfect concept?

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Perfect.

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Money is no object to a Wag, but it is an object for us,

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so I've created some budget outfits inspired by the catwalk.

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Right.

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Well?

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Why are they all so very yellow...?

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The colour of City United's kit, silly.

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I'm sorry, Jas, these just won't do.

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It's vital that I look really elegant to make Rob proud.

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To show him that I'm, like, totally sophisticated.

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Oh, although these are all right,

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-I've always wanted to be a bit taller.

-My work is done.

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RINGING

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Cold turkey, be strong.

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BEEPING

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Phew.

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SHE CHOKES

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It's cold.

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That's the Greatacre way.

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Hot drinks make you sleepy, cold drinks make you alert,

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and alert people learn more.

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So, drink up. And I bought you this...

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..to celebrate getting into Greatacre.

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So, now we can chart your journey to becoming just like me.

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Thank you.

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I can almost do it.

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Stay focused, Lily,

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you need a basic understanding of football to impress Rob.

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I wish Martha was here to back me up.

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SHE SIGHS

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You're right, carry on.

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Lesson one, the offside rule.

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Baby Sparkles, Lucy Lion, Pecky Hen and Super Derek are our defenders,

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-also known as the back four.

-The back four...?

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Crumples the Bunny is our striker.

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The player is offside if he is nearer to his opponents' goal line

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than both the ball and the second-last opponent.

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So, is Crumples the Bunny offside?

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Look, Jas, I can almost do it!

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Ah!

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Hashtag, ouch!

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Ollie, drop everything, I've had a major breakthrough

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with Project... TINKLING

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It will make your jaw drop.

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-STUTTERING:

-Now's not really...a...great time.

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Now is the perfect time, Ollie.

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TINKLING

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MOBILE TRILLS

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Consider my jaw dropped!

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It's just a prototype, but with your coding skills,

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we can finish it before I move to Greatacre.

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What's that?

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Yeah, it's a...

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It's just a project, really,

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and I really haven't got time for you right now.

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For this.

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Ah, sorry.

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It's OK to admit you're nervous, there's a lot riding on the game.

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Nervous!

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Last season, we beat them 11-0 -

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and they were lucky to get the nil.

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That's a joke, Lils.

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Well, it's time you took it more seriously,

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especially if football is going to be your career.

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My career? It's just a game of football.

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-Just a game of football?

-Yes.

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-"Yes"?!

-You're scaring me now.

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Scared?

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You can't buckle under pressure on the football field, Rob Edwards!

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You need to perform when all eyes on you, judging you,

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deciding your future!

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Whatevs.

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Did the subtle hint work? Did he mention the football scout?

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No, he clearly doesn't want me there. Should I be suspicious?

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Say "no"! Say "no"! Say "no".

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Yes!

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-Sometimes I wish you were a better liar, Jas.

-Me, too...

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-May I?

-Oh, still no signature from Mrs Griggs?

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-Changed your mind, decided you're not cut out for Greatacre?

-My forms?

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Of course, it's hard for me to understand your dilemma,

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as I've already got my place at Greatacre.

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I've so got to find Mrs Griggs.

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Has she gone?

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Has she gone?

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Has she gone?

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"Delete Martha?"

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"Yes".

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What have I done?!

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It's very...

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..heavy.

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We ate these every day at Greatacre, they're called Cerebral Cakes.

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But Belinda Watts nicknamed them Belinda Brain Bombs.

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The unique mix of herbs and vitamins is meant to boost IQ.

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BOTH GAG

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Hm...

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I'd forgotten how good they taste.

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I can't wait to finish mine...

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..later.

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SMASHING

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You know, it's almost as if Mrs Griggs is trying to avoid me.

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I won't let her stop your journey to greatness.

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I think it's time I popped in

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and had a friendly little word in her ear.

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Griggs!

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Sign the forms.

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Yes, unfortunately, my pen has just exploded.

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Unfortunately, I've superglued my hand into a useless fist.

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I can read you like a book!

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A gripping page-turner, I hope!

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More like an overdue library book...

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..with pages missing!

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You think if Martha leaves,

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so does your dream of having the Mrs Griggs Dance Hall, hm?

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But remind me, who controls the school finances?

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Hang on, I know this one...

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The Governors. And who's the Chair of Governors,

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and can therefore heavily influence their decision

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-IF these forms get signed?

-You?

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Exactly. No signature, and there'll be no help from me.

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How's that glued fist?

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Oh, what a relief!

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The glue isn't so super after all.

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Where shall I sign?

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-The Martha memory books?

-Let's see them.

0:20:270:20:30

And this is volume two.

0:20:420:20:44

The winner...

0:20:580:21:00

..and Top Mourner is...

0:21:000:21:02

Oh, she's achieved so much!

0:21:070:21:10

"County Student Of The Year Martha Fitzgerald

0:21:100:21:14

"Wins The Watts Trophy,

0:21:140:21:17

"Named After Belinda Watts."

0:21:170:21:20

If Martha wins for a third year,

0:21:200:21:23

they'll rename it after her.

0:21:230:21:25

The Fitzgerald Trophy?

0:21:270:21:29

That won't happen now, though.

0:21:290:21:31

When Martha moves, it'll probably be the Watts Trophy forever.

0:21:310:21:35

Oh!

0:21:410:21:42

-What's that?

-Um... It, er... Um...

0:21:440:21:48

The day we won the Science Fair, did you make this for me?

0:21:480:21:51

No, of course not!

0:21:520:21:53

It's just a meaningless project I got forced to do.

0:21:530:21:57

Behold the final piece of the Wag puzzle.

0:22:120:22:15

Every celebrity worth their salt has their own perfume,

0:22:150:22:18

and now, so do you.

0:22:180:22:20

May I introduce Offside by Lily?

0:22:200:22:22

Whoop, whoop!

0:22:220:22:24

The gorgeous fragrance of peaches and cream.

0:22:240:22:27

Whoop, whoop!

0:22:270:22:28

Made using actual peaches and cream.

0:22:280:22:31

Whoop...! What?

0:22:310:22:33

Mm, so moreish, a perfume and handy snack in one.

0:22:330:22:36

The secret is letting it ferment overnight in my socks.

0:22:360:22:40

Offside by Lily!

0:22:400:22:42

Hang on, did you say "socks"?

0:22:420:22:45

Do you accept your place at Greatacre?

0:22:470:22:49

"Martha And Ollie's Next Chapter".

0:23:030:23:05

Do you accept Martha Fitzgerald's place at Greatacre?

0:23:120:23:17

Yes.

0:23:170:23:19

The Watts Trophy.

0:23:240:23:28

If Martha wins for a third year, they'll rename it after her...

0:23:280:23:31

-BOTH:

-No.

0:23:360:23:38

-BOTH:

-Are you sure?

0:23:400:23:42

-BOTH:

-Yes.

0:23:440:23:46

-How am I going to tell Mother?

-How am I going to tell Martha?

0:23:480:23:51

SHOUTING

0:23:540:23:58

Lily?

0:24:060:24:08

WHISTLE

0:24:080:24:09

Referee!

0:24:090:24:11

He was clearly nearer to the opponents' goal line

0:24:110:24:15

than both the ball and the second-last opponent.

0:24:150:24:17

Come on, Rob, score!

0:24:210:24:23

What do we want? Goals!

0:24:230:24:25

When do we want them? Now!

0:24:250:24:26

When do we want? Goals! When do we want them? Now!

0:24:260:24:30

You're not a fan of chants? Mexican wave?

0:24:300:24:33

Ooh, yeah!

0:24:330:24:34

Oh, see number seven there? Rob Edwards? He's great, isn't he?

0:24:390:24:42

Rob Edwards!

0:24:420:24:44

Mm, your new perfume is delish.

0:24:440:24:47

So what have I missed?

0:24:470:24:48

Not much from Rob, he hasn't done nearly enough ball-kicking,

0:24:480:24:52

or that thing where you hit it with your head.

0:24:520:24:54

It's as if he's not trying.

0:24:540:24:57

This might help.

0:24:580:25:00

On reflection, I probably ate most of the ingredients,

0:25:000:25:02

so it's not as full as I hoped.

0:25:020:25:05

Spoiler alert, it smells like...

0:25:050:25:07

Socks.

0:25:070:25:10

True, but, all in all, it's not bad for a first attempt.

0:25:100:25:13

Oh, what's he doing now?

0:25:150:25:17

-Where are you going?

-To tell Rob to try harder.

0:25:190:25:22

Rob.

0:25:220:25:24

Rob!

0:25:250:25:27

Rob!

0:25:280:25:29

Lily, what are you wearing?

0:25:330:25:35

-Ah!

-THUD!

0:25:350:25:36

BOTH: Oooh!

0:25:380:25:40

Oh, Rob!

0:25:400:25:42

Nice and steady. You all right?

0:25:420:25:44

Oh, I've ruined it for Rob, haven't I?

0:25:470:25:51

Say "no"! Say "no"! Say "no"!

0:25:510:25:53

Yes!

0:25:530:25:55

I was looking for you.

0:26:000:26:02

Before you speak, there's something I want to say.

0:26:020:26:05

Whenever I imagined the next chapter in my life,

0:26:050:26:08

you were always there alongside me,

0:26:080:26:10

so I found your news hard to process.

0:26:100:26:13

But I just want you to know that I support your decision to go.

0:26:130:26:17

I'm staying.

0:26:180:26:19

You're...? You're... You're staying?

0:26:190:26:22

-TINKLING PHONE:

-Affirmative.

0:26:220:26:24

HE LAUGHS

0:26:240:26:26

I made it for you!

0:26:260:26:28

It's a long story.

0:26:300:26:31

I just wanted to prove I was cool enough to be your Wag,

0:26:330:26:36

and now I feel terrible for ruining your dream of joining City United.

0:26:360:26:40

City United? That football scout was from City Town.

0:26:400:26:44

I didn't mention it because they're in a lower league

0:26:440:26:46

than the team I currently play for.

0:26:460:26:48

Oh!

0:26:480:26:50

You know, you don't have to attack me with a handbag

0:26:500:26:52

to spend time alone with me, Lily.

0:26:520:26:54

HE SNIFFS

0:26:570:26:59

Can you smell socks?

0:26:590:27:00

So much peaches and cream.

0:27:040:27:07

Mother.

0:27:070:27:09

Martha.

0:27:090:27:10

I'll just let you two....

0:27:100:27:13

Jas, shall we...?

0:27:130:27:15

Too full, just pretend I'm not here.

0:27:150:27:17

BOTH: I turned down the place.

0:27:210:27:23

BOTH: You did?

0:27:230:27:24

BOTH: I did.

0:27:240:27:25

THEY LAUGH

0:27:250:27:27

-Like mother, like daughter.

-Exactly.

0:27:290:27:32

And, remember, we've not said "no" to Greatacre - simply "not yet".

0:27:320:27:36

There are many paths to greatness, Martha, and this is yours.

0:27:360:27:39

-Brain Bomb to celebrate?

-I'll pass.

0:27:420:27:44

Yes. Me, too.

0:27:440:27:46

Jas?

0:27:460:27:48

SHE GAGS

0:27:480:27:49

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