Cranmede Fever So Awkward

Where is everyone?

Dunno.

Oh, look, there's Rufus.

Morning, Rufus.

Odd.

What's wrong with everyone? It's like a horror movie.

Oh, it's just the virus that's going round. Nothing to worry about.

Ah, Jas, Lily.

Did either of you catch Comet C2013X1 last night?

Hoo, what a belter, eh?

HE GASPS

Martha! It's too late! They're already infected!

GROWLING

No!!

And then I was the only person left,

and everyone was trying to infect me.

Well, it's obviously just your subconscious

interpreting your deep-seated anxieties about getting ill.

The short version - you're a complete hypochondriac.

Worrying about getting ill seems perfectly logical to me.

Um, where is everyone?

Dunno.

Oh, look, there's Rufus.

Morning, Rufus.

Oh, no! My dream, it's coming true!

I'm sorry, Martha, it's every man for himself.

Oh, sorry, Martha, did you say something?

Nearly forgot my Salford special.

I can't catch the flu bug before the quiz.

Lily would never forgive me.

Fresh batch. Made it this morning.

Guaranteed to keep even the most contagious diseases at bay.

Thanks, Dad. Bye.

-One more...

-Aaagh!

Love you.

Last-minute marking again, I see, Jeff.

And a good morning to you too, Vicky.

If... Hold on, what are...? What are you doing?

I'm swapping our pigeonholes.

Malone comes before Parfitt in the alphabet.

They've been labelled the wrong way round.

I know. It's always been like that.

Which is why I'm swapping them.

-There.

-No.

You can't just swan in and swap things willy-nilly.

People'll get confused.

Of course they won't.

-They will too.

-They won't.

-Uh, will.

-They won't.

-Will.

-Won't.

-Will.

-Won't.

-Will.

-Won't...

Morning, children.

Glad to see you're both in today, unlike Mrs Carr,

who's joined the other 12 members of staff

who are off with the flu.

Which means that I'm the school nurse today

as well as the school postman and everything else.

Ooh, you see that, Vicky?

Now this memo's addressed to you but in my pigeonhole.

Can you see that?

Utter confusion.

Let's just change these back, shall we?

There we go...

Ssh!

Ssh yourself.

You ssh first.

I think maybe perhaps we should...

-BOTH: Ssh!

-Oh, OK, OK.

What's with all the shushing?

They're cramming for the polymathlon.

The whatty-what-a-what?

It's a general knowledge quiz.

Martha and Ollie's team win it every year.

Much to the annoyance of Lily. She and Jas always come second.

So every year they fall out over some stupid quiz?

Ssh, you'll set them off again.

Hey, Lily, fancy a walk? This quiz stuff can't be that important.

What did you just say?

Did you just suggest...

..that this isn't important?

Oh, here we go.

Still lugging that ludicrous thing around with you everywhere you go?

It's not ludicrous, it's beautiful.

Actually, I think you'll find that I do most of the lugging.

There's no point fighting it, Lily. The Big Bangs will always triumph.

Not this year, Miss Gloaty Pants. This is Team Cupcake's year.

Prepare to lose. That trophy is ours.

Nothing will make me relinquish this exquisite symbol of excellence.

THEY SNEEZE

Oh.

So that's a no to the walk, then?

DOORBELL RINGS

This is a pre-recorded message.

Ollie, I'm invoking emergency protocol alpha zero.

You accidentally teleported a fish finger?

Which, as you'll remember,

means I've become too ill to take part in the polymathlon.

Oh, alpha zero, not alpha two zero. OK.

So the bad news is I've got the flu.

I'm running a fever and I keep hallucinating.

Unless there really are tiny monkeys dancing on the ceiling.

What's the good news?

You've got to win the trophy without me.

The future of the Big Bangs rests on your shoulders.

Failure is not an option. Am I understood?

Yes. Absolutely.

You didn't need to answer that, obviously.

This is a pre-recorded message, remember?

Right, of course, I'm sorry.

Oh, I did it again!

You can't let the Big Bangs win again.

You're joking? There's absolutely no way I can do it without you.

I'm sorry, but that's my final decision.

I'll buy you a triple choc chip muffin.

OK, I'm in.

Got to go. A pink unicorn's running wild on my duvet.

Another hallucination?

No. I'm just playing with my pink unicorns.

Oh, Mr Malone, do you have a moment?

-Uh, not really. I was just...

-Good.

So, despite the flu epidemic that's wiping out half the school,

we're still going ahead with our annual polymathlon quiz. Yay.

-Lovely. So...

-This year,

you and I are going to kick off the proceedings

with a salsa dance extravaganza in front of the whole school.

What? Me?! Why?

Your job application - the other skills section, remember?

North-West Salsa Dancing Champion 2005.

Wow. I had no idea.

Ah, that, yeah, of course.

I'd forgotten that I definitely did do that...

Well, I trust you still have your tight all-in-one dancing suit?

Oh, I hope so.

No! I mean, no, I don't...

I just... I don't think I've got the legs for it any more.

I suspect all you'll need is a quick rehearsal on the day,

eh, Mr Malone?

Or should I call you El Fuego?

Yes.

It means "the fire" in Spanish.

She can't have it, Ollie. She can't take it from me.

It's my precious.

It talks to me. It tells me things.

It tells me we must crush them.

OK, you're beginning to scare me a little bit, Martha.

Well, I... I do have a temperature of 38.4

so it could be my fever talking.

But I still want you to crush them.

COUGHING

LOUD HONK

Rufus. The Big Bangs need someone to replace Martha.

Someone with huge intelligence and great general knowledge...

..but I couldn't find anyone like that so it'll have to be you.

Really? That's brilliant. That's made my day.

Welcome to the team.

HE SNEEZES

On second thoughts, you're fired.

Struggling to find someone healthy enough to replace Martha, are we?

Shame they don't have my dad's immunity booster,

the Salford Special.

Yeah, well, you don't have anyone to replace Lily.

Actually, I do. Uh... Maxwell!

Sorry?

You're going to be a Cupcake, aren't you? Great, it's all agreed.

A what?

That's a coincidence, cos Cassie has just agreed to be a Big Bang.

Have I?

Yep, that's all settled. Come on, Cassie.

Come on, Maxwell.

So, we're on opposing teams?

Gosh. But we're still friends?

Of course. Good luck, then.

Um, yes, good luck.

So, whose team am I on again?

You do know that lying on your job application's a sackable offence.

Is it? Well, it's fine cos I haven't lied about anything.

Well, I suppose we'll soon find out, won't we, El Fuego?

COUGHING

Not necessarily.

HE KNOCKS

Ooh, Mrs Rennison, I'm really ill.

Listen.

HE COUGHS

Check my temperature.

You don't look too bad to me.

Ahh, I'm really sweating.

I think I definitely need to go home now.

You wanted to see me, Mrs Rennison?

Ollie, I'm far too busy right now,

but I think my computer's got a virus.

Yeah, I'm starting to think I've got one myself.

Is it...? Is it hot in here?

Oh, dear, I can feel myself slipping away.

Ollie, I can't be dealing with time-wasters,

not when people like Mr Malone really are ill.

You know what?

I'm feeling a lot better, so I...

I'm going to go back to class.

-Come with me, Ollie. Come with me.

-Yeah, yeah.

Stick to our revision plan.

Buck up on your capital cities and only eat brain food, not junk food.

Oh, and another thing...

I'm not sure I need another thing.

You've got to stop Rob from coming to see me at all costs.

I look terrible.

I never knew the human body could produce so much mucus.

HONK!

Ooh! Gotta go.

Hey. Rob.

You weren't thinking of going round to Lily's after school, were you?

Yeah, she could do with cheering up. Great idea, Jas.

But she looks really awful. Big pus-filled boils, the works.

I don't care how she looks.

But-but... she smells really awful as well.

Her breath - ooh, she stinks.

Oh, well, in that case...

..I'll take gum.

Have you seen Jas? Got to deliver a fresh batch of this.

Please tell me that's lemonade.

This is the Salford Special immunity booster.

I don't suppose it can boost my salsa-dancing abilities, can it?

Well, that can't...

..but this can.

You're looking at the winner of

the North-West Salsa Dancing Championships 1992.

You are joking!

You...you're my job application lie but in human form.

You told Rob what?!

Sorry.

But on the plus side, the other team members are dropping like flies.

Except Ollie, of course.

GIRL COUGHS

He just thinks he's going to get ill.

Interesting. Well, I guess the fear of getting ill

could be just as bad as actually being ill, can't it?

I...I guess.

Bad enough to distract someone from maybe, I don't know,

winning a quiz, for example.

Yes, yes, you're right!

So we need to make Ollie more aware of the germs around him.

Stop fraternising with the enemy!

But she's my best friend.

Well, you should've thought about that before you picked sides.

This is war.

Martha, my immune system, it's on the brink of collapse.

I can just feel it.

What does the thermometer say?

It says I'm normal. It must be faulty.

Well, don't be ridiculous. You're not ill.

But what if he does get ill?

Yes, you're right, my precious.

We must find a way to keep him safe.

Are you talking to the trophy again?

If only we were well enough to develop a vaccine.

There might already be a vaccine.

How do you feel about a little industrial espionage?

Do I have a choice?

Not really.

Jas, old friend. Do you have a moment?

Oh, Ollie, are you OK?

You're looking a bit pale.

Am I?

No, I... I'm fine. I think.

Anyway, I was wondering if I could speak to you over here?

OK.

Hello, Maxwell. I see you have a rigged thermometer.

Yes.

Jas told me to swap it with Ollie's to make him think he's ill.

Good plan.

I presume you're here to steal the drink?

Yes. Ollie thinks it'll stop him getting ill.

Good idea.

We're not very good at working against each other, are we?

No. Perhaps we should try and be more competitive.

Yes. In that case I shall swap the thermometers.

And I shall take the drink and there is nothing you can do about it.

No. It's no good. I can't do it.

Me neither.

And back two, three...

-No, no, and right foot.

-OK.

And back two...

No, no, and right foot, and back...

Let's do the turn.

No. This way.

-It's too hard.

-And lunge!

It's not what it looks like.

So Mr Salford isn't giving you an emergency crash course

in salsa dancing to cover up your very obvious lie?

OK, it is what it looks like.

Phew. I think I'd better sit down.

I'm feeling a bit light-headed.

Oh, Jeff.

Lying on your job application? Tut, tut, tut.

OK. I may have embellished the truth a little bit,

but I really wanted this job.

Anyway, it's all going to be fine now

because this guy's going to teach me.

What, you mean that guy?

HE SHIVERS

Just to be sure, the walls are all wobbling for you as well, right?

HE SNEEZES

Psst! Something wicked this way comes.

It's a quote from Shakespeare's Macbeth.

What I meant was, Ollie's on his way.

Quick. Give me your water.

Hey, Ollie, catch.

Hey! I caught it!

Oh, Ella dropped it.

ELLA SNEEZES

Mrs Rennison?

Mrs Rennison, get the doctor!

No, no, no, you can't go home yet. Have more of your drink.

What, this? Oh, this won't do anything.

It's just made from stuff around the kitchen.

Don't tell Jas, though.

She's convinced it works.

But you're going to be OK, though, right?

Have there always been two of you?

OK, maybe you should go home.

That's it. I'm done for!

-Unless...

-Unless what?

Well, I know a little salsa.

And I could teach you if I got something in return,

like a sensible arrangement of pigeonholes, for instance.

Really?

All right, all right, but I'm only agreeing to swap them

if we can pull this off, OK?

Fine.

First I want 20 star jumps.

Yeah, right!

I'm serious. Come on, chop, chop.

-You're going to enjoy this, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Ollie and Cassie are up to something.

You need to watch them like a hawk.

I already am. They're over there watching us like a hawk.

Oh, thanks, Rob. I love chocolates.

Nice try. These are for Lily.

Wait, Rob!

Now's our chance. Distract Maxwell.

You're not going to see Lily, are you?

These will cheer her up.

Hey!

Oops. Clumsy me.

It's all right, five-second rule.

Oh.

What? I thought I saw a snake.

But I've got to distract you.

Oh, OK. I'm supposed to watch you like a hawk.

How's he doing?

I think I need to distract you for a little bit longer.

Well, consider me distracted.

HE GROANS

Remind me what this is for again.

Posture. Stop you looking like a lazy jellyfish.

Are you sure it's meant to hurt this much?

Yep.

Now, let's work on your spins.

Uh, I told you, I can't do the spins.

Do you want to keep your job or not?

Right now, I just want to give up.

Give up what?

Give up, uh, teaching me. He's teaching me to salsa dance.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm teaching her, not the other way round,

and she's terrible at it.

She can't even get one foot in front of the other.

Oh, I must say I'm surprised, Vicky. You're usually so capable.

Yeah. Luckily I'm not the one

performing in front of the whole entire school tomorrow morning,

so it doesn't really matter, does it, Mr Malone?

We need to run the tests again.

Cousin Ollie, we've already run them five times

and the results are quite conclusive.

And I want to go home for dinner, because I'm hungry.

But the ingredients -

they can't just be orange squash, cold tea and mustard.

They have no medicinal qualities whatsoever.

Unless, of course...

The placebo effect!

It only works because she thinks it works.

Cassie, I've cracked it!

Cassie?

You can't come in! I'm contagious.

SHE COUGHS

OK, if that's what you really want, but I've brought you a present.

Rob! Rob, wait!

Lily? Is that you?

Yeah. Um, that present...

It isn't by any chance the silver necklace I said I wanted, is it?

Even better. It's some old chocolates my mum didn't want.

The soft centres have some footprints on them,

-but they taste...

-No? OK, then. Off you go!

I was up all night practising my arm loops and my hammer locks,

and I finally cracked it.

I'm moving to Australia.

Fresh start, new identity. It is the only way.

Haven't you heard?

Mrs Griggs has got the flu. She won't be coming in today.

That means I'm off the hook!

Yes! Get in, Jeff!

He shoots, he scores.

Yeah, so I'll just go and swap those pigeonholes around.

Oh, no, you don't. That wasn't part of the deal.

I only agreed to swap them if you got me through the dance,

and I'm not doing any dancing now, am I?

Uh, you'll be needing this later.

Uh, no, no, no, no. No. No.

Mrs Griggs is ill.

Which is why she's made arrangements

for you to dance with Ms Parfitt instead.

That's if it's OK with her.

That would be fine, Mrs Rennison.

In fact, it would be my absolute pleasure.

Looks like the deal's back on, Jeff.

May the best team win. Namely, us.

Assuming you don't catch the plague halfway through the quickfire round.

Uh, well, I could say the same thing to you.

Considering your so-called immunity drink is nothing but a sham.

Don't be daft.

It's a secret blend,

guaranteed to keep even the most contagious diseases at bay.

That's what my dad says.

Oh, you mean that dad?

HE SNEEZES AND SHIVERS

It's a secret blend of orange squash,

cold tea and mustard, apparently.

So I could get ill at any time?

Welcome to my world.

This also means you stole my drink. That's so devious.

No more devious than you trying to make me think I'm ill.

Well, I didn't have to try very hard at that, did I?

Come on, Maxwell.

Yes, come on, Cassie.

Well, come on, then.

Actually, cousin Ollie, we shan't be going anywhere with either of you.

This whole business has been intolerable.

You've treated us like slaves and set us against each other.

So we quit.

-But you can't!

-The quiz!

That's your problem. We can form our own team, can't we, Maxwell?

As you like it.

Oh, Shakespeare. Good reference.

We haven't been that bad, have we?

Oh.

Maybe we've been a teensy bit bad.

Yeah.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, Jas. I...

-I feel fantastic today thanks to my drink.

-Yeah...

I think you might have overdone it with the mustard this time.

You mean you know?

It's as hot as molten lava.

Why don't you go home and get some rest?

What, and miss you winning the quiz? No...

HE COUGHS

I'll just go.

MRS GRIGGS: Higher, please.

Higher.

Now, before the quiz, we have something very special.

A fiery taste of salsa from our very own spicy peppers,

Miss Parfitt and Mr Malone!

OK?

-Yeah.

-OK...

CRASHING

Whoa!

SALSA MUSIC

She's onto me. She is onto me.

-Just do the spin.

-No. She knows I can't...

Oh, sorry.

-I was, uh...

-Jeff!

..just, uh, just getting a drink.

Come on, Jeff, you can do this.

MUSIC BUILDS

You might have overdone it with the mustard this time.

It's as hot as molten lava.

El Fuego!

Aaargh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Ay! Ay! Ay!

Give me a spin. Give me a spin!

Ole!

CRICKETS CHIRP

Bravo. Bravo!

When I'm back to full health, you simply must teach me

your unique interpretation of the salsa.

Phew! I think I need to cool down after all that.

Would you mind carrying me over to the window, Mrs Rennison?

What was that, Mrs Griggs? I think we're losing you.

The school Wi-Fi must be down.

But...but...

If only I could switch her off in real life.

And how are we this morning, El Fuego?

Oh, don't mention anything hot. I still can't feel my tongue.

-At least our pigeonholes are finally the right way round.

-Mmm.

Actually, I think that's yours.

Yeah. These are all for you.

Thank you very much.

Glad to see you're better.

You too.

So you're not smarting too much from yesterday?

On the contrary. You?

Why would I be smarting?

We won the quiz as usual, thanks to Ollie.

I don't think so.

We won the quiz this year, thanks to Jas.

Well, both teams can't have won.

Uh, actually, that's exactly what happened.

What are you talking about?

Well, um...

This is the decider.

Whoever gets this right will win this year's polymathlon.

Sinapis alba is the Latin name for which plant?

BUZZ!

I can't tell who buzzed first.

I think perhaps you should answer this one, Jas.

Sinapis alba - the Latin name for the white mustard plant.

Is the correct answer. We have a winning team.

The Big Cakes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ow!

Being enemies was just so time-consuming

that joining forces was the obvious solution, wasn't it, Jas?

Hmm? Sorry, I was thinking about big cakes.

We really should have called ourselves the Cup Bangs.

So, this is still mine?

Um, it's ours.

But I can look after it.

Uh, I think you'll find it's my turn!

Mine!

Lily? Feeling better, then?

Um, I'm sorry about the other day.

I just didn't want you to see me looking stupid.

No, of course.

You wouldn't want anyone to see you looking stupid, would you?

Well, then, now that everything's back to normal,

we should probably get to class.

Don't you think you're being a bit over the top?

Oh, no, Jas. Out there, there are plenty of germs,

but in here I am perfectly safe.

HE SNEEZES

Mrs Rennison! This time it's real!

Call an ambulance!