Bug Brooch So Awkward


Bug Brooch

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So, let's get started on trends in 16th century crop rotation.

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Ugh, really?

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HE PLAYS GUITAR RIFF

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Derek Leatherhair!

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Yeah, this is only

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the lead singer of greatest band in the world ever, Leather Blare.

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Ow!

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You haven't just realised that what your extremely awesome band needs is

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a history teacher, have you?

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Yes! Oh, this is amazing.

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It's unbelievable. It really is unbelievable.

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Hang on...

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..is this a dream?

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Yes.

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Now, about that time capsule.

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HE SCREAMS

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HE SCREAMS

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Sorry, I was just...

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I was just, erm, resting my eyes.

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Where were we?

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Time capsule, that would be a container full of things from

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the present that we bury for people from the future to dig up.

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I know what one is.

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Then why ask?

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I didn't.

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I asked how you were getting on with the school time capsule?

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The one we're burying tomorrow to mark the school's 37th birthday.

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Because Mrs Griggs thinks that 37 is the new 50.

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Oh, I see. Well, the thing is, what with lesson plans, playground duty,

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detentions, I haven't actually...

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Did I mention that I've taken personal charge of the project?

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I haven't actually quite finished it yet.

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See that you do, or else.

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How much have you got left to do?

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Not much. Very, very little.

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It's... It's, uh, practically done.

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You haven't started yet, have you?

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-WHISPERS:

-No.

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# Oh, oh, oh

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# Oh, oh, oh, oh

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-# So

-# So

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-# So #

-So

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# Oh, oh # Oh, oh

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# Ah, ah, ah, ah

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-# So

-# So

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-# So

-# So

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-# So

-# So

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# Oh

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# So Awkward! #

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You got me a present?

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But you've never got me a proper present before.

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Not that I keep track or anything.

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I love it!

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But you haven't opened it.

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So?

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I like anything Rob gives me.

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SHE SCREECHES

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-What is it?

-A brooch.

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So, love it or totally utterly love it?

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Are you kidding?

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It's the worst brooch in the whole world.

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Well, as our tastes are so different, maybe we should break up.

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Well?

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I totally utterly love it.

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-It's beautiful.

-Awesome, see ya.

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Beautiful?

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Is there something wrong with your eyes?

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Ooh, it could be a hemiplegic migraine.

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That does start with visual disturbances.

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-There's nothing wrong with my eyes.

-But you...

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I lied. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

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That's ridiculous. If Ollie and I worried about hurting other people's

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feelings, we would never be able to point out each other's mistakes,

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-and who wants that?

-Not me.

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It's "not I", Ollie, "not I".

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See? Wouldn't you rather be like us?

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-Time capsule?

-Yeah, stupid thing.

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Who's going to volunteer to waste their time on this?

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-Me.

-Exactly, no-one.

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Why on earth would people of the future be interested in what we did

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in the past?

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You tell us, sir, you teach history.

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Oh, yeah.

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I said I'd do it.

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That's why I got landed with this rubbish.

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Do you think it's too late to train to be a PE teacher?

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-I will do it.

-Will you?

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Yeah, all of it.

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You won't have to do anything, and it will be the best time

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-capsule ever.

-Well, why didn't you just say?

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I have to confess to being baffled by your motives.

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I'm shocked they aren't immediately apparent.

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This is our chance, Ollie, to ensure our names live on in the future.

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Martha, people don't just forget minds like these.

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Yes, they do.

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Take Wegener.

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Oh, please, the first man to discover continental drift?

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-Everyone remembers him.

-Do they?

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-Miss, you know who Alfred Wegener is, correct?

-Of course.

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Erm, it's City's new left-back, right?

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That's not going to be us, Ollie.

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That's NOT going to be us.

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"Time capsule.

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"Volunteers see Martha Fitzgerald."

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Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

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Is it better to fight one horse-sized duck,

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or 100 duck-sized horses?

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Guess again.

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It's a chance to collaborate with our intellectual heroes?

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That's the one.

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Hey, Lily.

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I know. It was a present from Rob.

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Isn't it awful?

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I think it's amazing!

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You do?

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You're Jas.

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You think chocolate tastes better with sprouts.

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Of course you like it.

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Guilty as charged, me quirky.

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You are.

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Rob's not, Rob's cool.

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SHE SIGHS

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Really cool.

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Maybe he knows something I don't.

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Like maybe ugly is the new beautiful.

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Hey, maybe this is actually really fashionable.

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That is so not in right now.

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SHE SIGHS

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-Why aren't you working?

-Free period.

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What about the time capsule?

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All sorted.

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Listen to me, Mr Malone,

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Mrs Griggs might always think the best of people,

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but I happen to know a lazy, good for...

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Actually, Mrs Rennison,

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I think you'll find that this is going to be the best time capsule

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ever.

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Ow, ow.

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Just take it off if you hate it that much.

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I can't, not now that I've told him I like it.

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Imagine what he'd say.

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As our tastes are so different, and you lied to me about liking it,

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maybe we should break up.

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Hm, you obviously need a super duper Salford scheme, give it here.

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Er, what're you going to do?

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-JAS SIGHS

-Smash it up.

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Erm, how's that going to help?

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Look, everyone knows I'm clumsy, right?

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Er, maybe a bit accident-prone.

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So, if I break the brooch, Rob will totally believe it was an accident.

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You won't have to wear it, and you never have to tell him you lied.

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-Boom!

-Jas...

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..that is brilliant!

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Destroy it, completely.

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EXPLOSION

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Oops.

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What's it made of?

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OK, don't worry. I have something in my locker that will sort this out.

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No trouble, leave it to me.

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A Cranmede school uniform.

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Future generations will be fascinated by the cheap fabric

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and unflattering styling.

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We also suggest including a typical pencil case, with protractor,

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-naturally.

-And woodlice.

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We put these beauties in, they form their own civilisation,

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37 years from now, we should have talking lice.

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Epic!

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Ignore our colleague.

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Thank you so much for your interest in contributing to the time capsule,

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but Ollie and I have already decided what to put in.

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They knocked these off in no time at art club.

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Great! I just need to get my chess champions medal.

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You're just putting things in about you and cousin Oliver?

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Yes, we agreed that was best.

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How do you know concentrating on yourselves is the best idea?

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Erm, it's obvious.

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-Oh, dear.

-What? Why "Oh, dear"?

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Well, if I remember correctly...

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And Maxwell always does.

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..scientists used to think that luminiferous aether was the obvious

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medium for the propagation of light.

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Until Einstein proved it didn't even exist.

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Curse luminiferous aether.

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They're right.

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We can't just assume our ideas are superior.

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We need proof.

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Fine. We'll just have to get a capable, rational,

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reliable judge to take a look at both sides and decide whose ideas

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are best.

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Capable, rational, reliable?

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And the best we could do at short notice.

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-What's all this?

-Evidence.

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To help prove our ideas are superior.

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Shouldn't take too long. A couple of hours.

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A couple of hours?

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Stop! Stop it. Stop doing that.

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Then we will need to go over some of the detail.

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However long they get, we should get the same.

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-We can stay after school if we have to.

-Objection.

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Uh, I think you'll find we make the objections.

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Not in my courtroom. Out you go.

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Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

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Martha! Have you seen Jas?

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Yes.

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Recently?

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Oh, no.

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Maybe Rob has.

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LILY SCREECHES

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I don't have the brooch on.

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Er, if he asks, I was never here.

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Ip dip you twit, you are not it.

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-Your ideas are best.

-Yes!

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-But...

-Judge's decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into.

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I thank you and goodbye.

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Yes!

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Well, I suppose we could put some of your ideas

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into the capsule after all.

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Hmm. To quote someone I used to admire,

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thank you so much for your interest in contributing to the time capsule.

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But you heard Mr Malone, our ideas are better,

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and there's no point in creating any substandard material.

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Yeah, stuff like a bag of Ollie's toenail clippings.

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For cloning purposes.

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Perfectly normal. Move on.

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OK. 40th time lucky.

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What? My lucky stick.

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You can go off a brooch, you know.

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Hey. That's Lily's brooch.

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What are you doing to it?

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Er, I can totally explain, just give me a minute.

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Hey, have you seen Jas Salford?

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Big hair, crazy schemes?

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-No?

-Lily?

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-SHE SCREECHES

-Hey.

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What shampoo is that?

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You really must tell me.

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Here, your brooch.

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-Where did you get that?

-From Jas.

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She told me...

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Whoa...

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Rob, listen, I...

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..that she's madly in love with me.

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Please don't break up with me.

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Wait, what?

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I can see you have questions.

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Would you believe me if I said a mysterious stranger made me do it?

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No.

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That I really needed to break my stick so Lily kindly loaned me her

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indestructible brooch?

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No.

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Well, in that case then, the perfectly simple explanation is...

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That you're madly in love with him?

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Yeah. I said I was really jealous of you, and I knew how much

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you loved that brooch, so I stole it and tried to break it,

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which totally explains why I had it, but didn't get you in trouble.

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Genius!

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OK, but now my boyfriend thinks you fancy him.

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You don't think that's going to make things a bit weird, do you?

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Oh, yeah, right. Don't worry.

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I'll think of a way to sort it, I promise.

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We've lost everything.

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All due to inadequate judge selection.

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And maybe being a tiny bit patronising.

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Well, there's nothing we can do now, is there?

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Isn't there?

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What's up?

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Nothing.

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Mum, if you have the choice between telling the truth and lying,

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would you tell the truth even if it hurt someone's feelings?

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Oh, crikey, no.

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Remember when your Auntie Alice asked me whether she should wear

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a red dress for our Saskia's wedding?

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Well, I told her the truth,

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that it made her bum look like two blancmanges in a plackie bag.

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Well, she stopped speaking to me,

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and she took back your granny's china cabinet.

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SHE SIGHS

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If I just said she looked delightful,

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we would still have a solid oak sideboard and...

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That's probably a bad example.

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But sometimes I do think a little white lie

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can save a lot of fuss.

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-Really?

-Really.

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I mean, imagine if I'd told you how I really felt about Mr Malone.

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That he's...

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..a really good teacher.

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OK, the time capsule is being filled as we speak.

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Just one woodlouse?

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BOTH: No, Alfie. Absolutely not.

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OK, OK.

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How about...

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..a slug?

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BOTH: Ew!

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Mr Malone will then lock the time capsule in the stationery cupboard

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whilst the hole is being dug.

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Then, at nine o'clock,

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it will be moved to the hole where it'll be buried in front of the

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whole school.

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I see, so if you want to replace their stuff with ours...

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We have to do it whilst it's locked in the stationary cupboard.

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And we have to do it in the next 27 minutes.

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Easy.

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Compared to, say, Rutherford splitting the atom.

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Not compared to that...

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..quite tricky.

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SHE SCREECHES

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What are you doing?

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Rob can't see us together while we've fallen out.

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We haven't fallen out.

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Oh, Lily, I'm after your man,

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and I stole your lovely brooch, remember?

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Of course we've fallen out.

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Wow, Lily must be mad at Jas.

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Apparently she really fancies Rob.

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-See?

-How does Jenny know?

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Sophie Taylor says it's all over her profile.

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Jas?

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I may have updated my status last night.

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You know, to keep things convincing.

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SHE BEATBOXES

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# Rob is so cool

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# Your picture makes me want to drool

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# I love you more than rock loves Blackpool. #

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Jas!

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It'll be fine.

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You don't want Rob getting suspicious, do you?

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I wonder if Jas and Rob will end up together.

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I mean, Lily has been a bit weird lately.

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That bug brooch that she's been wearing?

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Very strange.

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I can't handle this any more.

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Maybe I should just come clean.

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As our tastes are so different, and you lied to me,

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and let Jas really, really lie to me,

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we should definitely break up.

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Don't worry. I told you I'd sort this, and I have.

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LILY SCREECHES

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Why?

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Why, Jas, why?

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It's going to solve all your problems.

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Look, we tell everyone that I felt bad about stealing your brooch,

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so I bought you a new one as a present.

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It's a sign that I've decided to put sisters before misters,

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and we can all be friends again.

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Sorted.

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-Let me just pin this on.

-No!

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This is the worst idea you have ever had.

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And you're Jas Salford. So, there's a lot of competition.

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I'm only trying to help.

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Well, you're not. You're making things worse...

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..as usual.

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Fine, sort out your own problems, then.

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What's up with her?

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Her and Lily have fallen out, and it's all my fault.

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Go on, quickly.

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Jas really fancies me.

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She told me I was hot like Mexico.

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Well, your features do have a pleasing regularity.

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Ugh, but I don't want those two to fight.

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What can I do?

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I can't stop being cool and really good-looking.

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OK, listen, Robert.

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Yesterday, I felt the same as you,

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but not the cool and good-looking thing.

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My charms are more unconventional, with an appeal all of their own...

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Hello! You're supposed to be helping me.

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I meant I felt like there was nothing I could do, but then,

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someone said something wise to me and that something was...

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"Isn't there?"

0:18:010:18:02

You mean, maybe I CAN stop being cool and really good-looking?

0:18:040:18:07

Yeah! What if I...

0:18:080:18:10

Sorry, my friend.

0:18:110:18:12

Motivational quotes are one thing, but I've got no time to talk detail.

0:18:120:18:16

I'm off to ensure my name echoes down the ages.

0:18:160:18:19

You're going to shout really loud?

0:18:190:18:21

Ollie, I'm really busy.

0:18:240:18:26

Sir, Derek Leatherhair,

0:18:260:18:28

mediocre musician with horrible hair and terrible trousers,

0:18:280:18:32

or awesome rock god?

0:18:320:18:34

Discuss.

0:18:340:18:36

Well,

0:18:360:18:37

the first thing to note about The Derekmeister is the way he layers

0:18:370:18:42

chords in masterpieces like Shriek of the Banshee.

0:18:420:18:46

Not to mention classics like Serpent's Fingers.

0:18:460:18:49

But the really interesting thing is his a cappella work.

0:18:490:18:53

I'll be needing 20 packs, plain printer paper.

0:19:000:19:03

..four packs black nib fine liner.

0:19:050:19:09

What do you mean you only have blue?

0:19:090:19:11

That is completely unacceptable.

0:19:110:19:13

I want to speak to your manager.

0:19:130:19:15

Fine. Well, get him to call me back.

0:19:150:19:18

I will wait right here till he does.

0:19:180:19:20

My number is 07700 900219.

0:19:200:19:25

PHONE RINGS

0:19:280:19:29

That was quick.

0:19:290:19:31

Now, about these fine liners.

0:19:310:19:34

Hello. I'm a concerned bystander and I've just seen your headmistress

0:19:340:19:37

dancing around outside the front of the school in her underwear.

0:19:370:19:41

I knew this would happen.

0:19:410:19:43

And I have not been a bit weird lately, OK?

0:20:150:20:18

I'm a perfectly normal person with a horrible brooch

0:20:180:20:20

that I completely love, OK?

0:20:200:20:23

She is so weird right now.

0:20:250:20:28

Watch it! Oh, Martha.

0:20:300:20:33

-Hi.

-Everything all right?

0:20:330:20:35

Oh, yeah.

0:20:350:20:37

I'm lying to my boyfriend,

0:20:370:20:38

the whole school's talking about whether I'm right for him,

0:20:380:20:40

and I've massively fallen out with Jas.

0:20:400:20:43

Things could only be worse if I fell in a hole.

0:20:430:20:45

Why is there a hole here?

0:20:470:20:48

Because we dug one.

0:20:480:20:49

For the time capsule.

0:20:490:20:50

This is what happens when you worry about other people's feelings, Lily.

0:20:570:21:00

I did try to tell you.

0:21:000:21:02

Yep, you were right.

0:21:020:21:04

-Excuse me.

-Where are you going?

0:21:040:21:06

To apologise to Jas for hurting her feelings.

0:21:070:21:10

But...

0:21:100:21:12

Ollie!

0:21:170:21:18

Now, if you are asking me what's my Leatherhair chord of all time,

0:21:180:21:23

I'd have to say it's this C from Dream For a Sky Child.

0:21:230:21:27

HE PLAYS A RIFF

0:21:270:21:28

Sir, it's time for the capsule.

0:21:310:21:34

Right. Where did I put that key?

0:21:340:21:36

I sincerely hope you haven't lost it, sir.

0:21:360:21:39

We'd be really disappointed if you had, sir.

0:21:390:21:41

No, no, no. It will be here somewhere.

0:21:410:21:43

Maybe it's in my trousers.

0:21:460:21:48

I mean, maybe you dropped it on the floor.

0:21:510:21:54

Shall we all look?

0:21:540:21:55

You know what they say, many eyes find keys.

0:21:550:21:58

Nothing. There it is!

0:22:040:22:06

Must need my eyes testing.

0:22:080:22:10

Right.

0:22:100:22:11

Come on, then, you lot.

0:22:110:22:13

We'll finish this chat later, Ollie.

0:22:130:22:15

There's nothing I'd love more, sir...

0:22:150:22:17

..than to die before that happens.

0:22:190:22:21

I love when a plan nearly falls apart and then comes together.

0:22:250:22:28

Obviously, none of this is your fault.

0:22:390:22:41

Obviously, it's all my fault for lying in the first place.

0:22:410:22:45

-Friends?

-No.

0:22:450:22:47

I learned my lesson.

0:22:470:22:49

So?

0:22:490:22:50

I learned my lesson after making rocket fuel out of cabbages.

0:22:500:22:53

Didn't bring my dad's shed back, though.

0:22:530:22:55

But, Jas...

0:22:550:22:56

THEY SCREAM

0:22:560:22:58

All right?

0:22:580:22:59

Rob? What are you doing?

0:22:590:23:01

Guys, this is all my fault.

0:23:010:23:03

No, it's not. It's mine.

0:23:040:23:06

-It is hers.

-No, it's mine.

0:23:060:23:10

It turns out I've got kind of a handsome face.

0:23:100:23:13

-You do.

-And Ollie made me see,

0:23:130:23:16

with great looks come great responsibility.

0:23:160:23:19

My face made you two fall out.

0:23:190:23:21

As if! You two are best friends, super close.

0:23:210:23:24

You're always there for each other.

0:23:240:23:26

You're jealous of Lily and me.

0:23:260:23:28

Well, I get jealous of Lily and you sometimes.

0:23:280:23:31

You can't stop being friends over something so silly.

0:23:310:23:33

And just in case you're worried...

0:23:330:23:35

We hide the awesome grill.

0:23:380:23:40

Maybe this whole love thing'll wear off pretty quick.

0:23:400:23:43

What do you reckon, Jas?

0:23:430:23:44

Just to check...

0:23:470:23:49

-I won't wear it when it's just me and you.

-Oh, brilliant!

0:23:490:23:52

APPLAUSE

0:23:590:24:00

I'm so sorry again, Jas.

0:24:010:24:03

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

0:24:030:24:07

Well, there is one thing.

0:24:070:24:08

I know you messed up, Mr Malone.

0:24:110:24:13

I just don't know how.

0:24:130:24:14

We ensured our legacy.

0:24:200:24:22

By using our superior intellect to fool some trusting younger children

0:24:270:24:32

who admire us.

0:24:320:24:33

I feel guilt, Martha.

0:24:350:24:37

I feel guilt also.

0:24:370:24:39

But we don't worry about people's feelings.

0:24:390:24:42

No, not other people's.

0:24:420:24:44

However, maybe we should worry about our own.

0:24:440:24:47

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

0:24:510:24:53

Isn't there, Martha? Isn't there?

0:24:530:24:56

Oh, hey, don't worry about that.

0:24:580:25:01

I'm totes over you.

0:25:010:25:02

Oh.

0:25:020:25:03

Is that Lily's brooch?

0:25:050:25:06

Oh, yeah, she gave it to me cos she hates it.

0:25:070:25:11

I mean...

0:25:110:25:13

You hate it?

0:25:130:25:14

Well, when Jas says that, she means...

0:25:160:25:19

Well, hate is a very strong word.

0:25:200:25:23

It's more of a love-hate thing,

0:25:230:25:25

with more of the emphasis on love,

0:25:250:25:27

because when it comes to this brooch, I...

0:25:270:25:31

I lo...

0:25:310:25:32

..loathe it!

0:25:340:25:36

Rob, what were you thinking?!

0:25:360:25:38

"Oh, I know, I'm just going to buy my girlfriend the worst brooch in

0:25:380:25:41

"the whole world."

0:25:410:25:43

Apart from this one.

0:25:430:25:44

LILY SCREECHES

0:25:460:25:47

Yeah, apart from that one.

0:25:500:25:52

You should have just said.

0:25:520:25:54

You what?

0:25:540:25:56

You should have just said.

0:25:560:25:57

Yeah, you're so right.

0:26:010:26:02

I should have just said.

0:26:020:26:04

I'm sorry.

0:26:060:26:07

ROOSTER CROWS

0:26:080:26:09

Right, that's our stuff out.

0:26:160:26:19

We just need to put their stuff back in.

0:26:190:26:22

THEY CLEAR THEIR THROATS

0:26:220:26:23

Cousin Oliver, Martha, we thought you might try something like this.

0:26:230:26:28

Replacing our things with yours.

0:26:280:26:30

No, no, you don't understand. We...

0:26:310:26:32

We understand perfectly.

0:26:320:26:35

Now, close the capsule and step away.

0:26:350:26:38

-But we've just...

-Shown us the danger of working with your heroes?

0:26:380:26:41

Indeed.

0:26:410:26:42

Now, close it and go.

0:26:420:26:44

Don't say another word.

0:26:440:26:46

If you say so.

0:26:500:26:51

Well, we tried. There's nothing we can do if they won't listen.

0:26:540:26:57

Isn't there? Isn't there, Martha?

0:26:580:27:00

No, I don't think so.

0:27:020:27:03

Not this time.

0:27:030:27:05

And, really, in 37 years' time,

0:27:050:27:08

who's going to get het up about what was or wasn't buried?

0:27:080:27:11

Here it is.

0:27:230:27:24

Remember all those years ago, you said I couldn't pull it off?

0:27:240:27:28

Proved you wrong, didn't I?

0:27:280:27:30

-It's empty.

-I can explain.

0:27:360:27:39

Er...

0:27:390:27:41

Uh...

0:27:410:27:42

Who am I kidding?

0:27:420:27:43

HE GROANS

0:27:450:27:46

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