Bug Brooch So Awkward

So, let's get started on trends in 16th century crop rotation.

Ugh, really?

HE PLAYS GUITAR RIFF

Derek Leatherhair!

Yeah, this is only

the lead singer of greatest band in the world ever, Leather Blare.

Ow!

You haven't just realised that what your extremely awesome band needs is

a history teacher, have you?

Yes! Oh, this is amazing.

It's unbelievable. It really is unbelievable.

Hang on...

..is this a dream?

Yes.

Now, about that time capsule.

HE SCREAMS

HE SCREAMS

Sorry, I was just...

I was just, erm, resting my eyes.

Where were we?

Time capsule, that would be a container full of things from

the present that we bury for people from the future to dig up.

I know what one is.

Then why ask?

I didn't.

I asked how you were getting on with the school time capsule?

The one we're burying tomorrow to mark the school's 37th birthday.

Because Mrs Griggs thinks that 37 is the new 50.

Oh, I see. Well, the thing is, what with lesson plans, playground duty,

detentions, I haven't actually...

Did I mention that I've taken personal charge of the project?

I haven't actually quite finished it yet.

See that you do, or else.

How much have you got left to do?

Not much. Very, very little.

It's... It's, uh, practically done.

You haven't started yet, have you?

-WHISPERS:

-No.

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

-# So

-# So

-# So #

-So

# Oh, oh # Oh, oh

# Ah, ah, ah, ah

-# So

-# So

-# So

-# So

-# So

-# So

# Oh

# So Awkward! #

You got me a present?

But you've never got me a proper present before.

Not that I keep track or anything.

I love it!

But you haven't opened it.

So?

I like anything Rob gives me.

SHE SCREECHES

-What is it?

-A brooch.

So, love it or totally utterly love it?

Are you kidding?

It's the worst brooch in the whole world.

Well, as our tastes are so different, maybe we should break up.

Well?

I totally utterly love it.

-It's beautiful.

-Awesome, see ya.

Beautiful?

Is there something wrong with your eyes?

Ooh, it could be a hemiplegic migraine.

That does start with visual disturbances.

-There's nothing wrong with my eyes.

-But you...

I lied. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

That's ridiculous. If Ollie and I worried about hurting other people's

feelings, we would never be able to point out each other's mistakes,

-and who wants that?

-Not me.

It's "not I", Ollie, "not I".

See? Wouldn't you rather be like us?

-Time capsule?

-Yeah, stupid thing.

Who's going to volunteer to waste their time on this?

-Me.

-Exactly, no-one.

Why on earth would people of the future be interested in what we did

in the past?

You tell us, sir, you teach history.

Oh, yeah.

I said I'd do it.

That's why I got landed with this rubbish.

Do you think it's too late to train to be a PE teacher?

-I will do it.

-Will you?

Yeah, all of it.

You won't have to do anything, and it will be the best time

-capsule ever.

-Well, why didn't you just say?

I have to confess to being baffled by your motives.

I'm shocked they aren't immediately apparent.

This is our chance, Ollie, to ensure our names live on in the future.

Martha, people don't just forget minds like these.

Yes, they do.

Take Wegener.

Oh, please, the first man to discover continental drift?

-Everyone remembers him.

-Do they?

-Miss, you know who Alfred Wegener is, correct?

-Of course.

Erm, it's City's new left-back, right?

That's not going to be us, Ollie.

That's NOT going to be us.

"Time capsule.

"Volunteers see Martha Fitzgerald."

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Is it better to fight one horse-sized duck,

or 100 duck-sized horses?

Guess again.

It's a chance to collaborate with our intellectual heroes?

That's the one.

Hey, Lily.

I know. It was a present from Rob.

Isn't it awful?

I think it's amazing!

You do?

You're Jas.

You think chocolate tastes better with sprouts.

Of course you like it.

Guilty as charged, me quirky.

You are.

Rob's not, Rob's cool.

SHE SIGHS

Really cool.

Maybe he knows something I don't.

Like maybe ugly is the new beautiful.

Hey, maybe this is actually really fashionable.

That is so not in right now.

SHE SIGHS

-Why aren't you working?

-Free period.

What about the time capsule?

All sorted.

Listen to me, Mr Malone,

Mrs Griggs might always think the best of people,

but I happen to know a lazy, good for...

Actually, Mrs Rennison,

I think you'll find that this is going to be the best time capsule

ever.

Ow, ow.

Just take it off if you hate it that much.

I can't, not now that I've told him I like it.

Imagine what he'd say.

As our tastes are so different, and you lied to me about liking it,

maybe we should break up.

Hm, you obviously need a super duper Salford scheme, give it here.

Er, what're you going to do?

-JAS SIGHS

-Smash it up.

Erm, how's that going to help?

Look, everyone knows I'm clumsy, right?

Er, maybe a bit accident-prone.

So, if I break the brooch, Rob will totally believe it was an accident.

You won't have to wear it, and you never have to tell him you lied.

-Boom!

-Jas...

..that is brilliant!

Destroy it, completely.

EXPLOSION

Oops.

What's it made of?

OK, don't worry. I have something in my locker that will sort this out.

No trouble, leave it to me.

A Cranmede school uniform.

Future generations will be fascinated by the cheap fabric

and unflattering styling.

We also suggest including a typical pencil case, with protractor,

-naturally.

-And woodlice.

We put these beauties in, they form their own civilisation,

37 years from now, we should have talking lice.

Epic!

Ignore our colleague.

Thank you so much for your interest in contributing to the time capsule,

but Ollie and I have already decided what to put in.

They knocked these off in no time at art club.

Great! I just need to get my chess champions medal.

You're just putting things in about you and cousin Oliver?

Yes, we agreed that was best.

How do you know concentrating on yourselves is the best idea?

Erm, it's obvious.

-Oh, dear.

-What? Why "Oh, dear"?

Well, if I remember correctly...

And Maxwell always does.

..scientists used to think that luminiferous aether was the obvious

medium for the propagation of light.

Until Einstein proved it didn't even exist.

Curse luminiferous aether.

They're right.

We can't just assume our ideas are superior.

We need proof.

Fine. We'll just have to get a capable, rational,

reliable judge to take a look at both sides and decide whose ideas

are best.

Capable, rational, reliable?

And the best we could do at short notice.

-What's all this?

-Evidence.

To help prove our ideas are superior.

Shouldn't take too long. A couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

Stop! Stop it. Stop doing that.

Then we will need to go over some of the detail.

However long they get, we should get the same.

-We can stay after school if we have to.

-Objection.

Uh, I think you'll find we make the objections.

Not in my courtroom. Out you go.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

Martha! Have you seen Jas?

Yes.

Recently?

Oh, no.

Maybe Rob has.

LILY SCREECHES

I don't have the brooch on.

Er, if he asks, I was never here.

Ip dip you twit, you are not it.

-Your ideas are best.

-Yes!

-But...

-Judge's decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into.

I thank you and goodbye.

Yes!

Well, I suppose we could put some of your ideas

into the capsule after all.

Hmm. To quote someone I used to admire,

thank you so much for your interest in contributing to the time capsule.

But you heard Mr Malone, our ideas are better,

and there's no point in creating any substandard material.

Yeah, stuff like a bag of Ollie's toenail clippings.

For cloning purposes.

Perfectly normal. Move on.

OK. 40th time lucky.

What? My lucky stick.

You can go off a brooch, you know.

Hey. That's Lily's brooch.

What are you doing to it?

Er, I can totally explain, just give me a minute.

Hey, have you seen Jas Salford?

Big hair, crazy schemes?

-No?

-Lily?

-SHE SCREECHES

-Hey.

What shampoo is that?

You really must tell me.

Here, your brooch.

-Where did you get that?

-From Jas.

She told me...

Whoa...

Rob, listen, I...

..that she's madly in love with me.

Please don't break up with me.

Wait, what?

I can see you have questions.

Would you believe me if I said a mysterious stranger made me do it?

No.

That I really needed to break my stick so Lily kindly loaned me her

indestructible brooch?

No.

Well, in that case then, the perfectly simple explanation is...

That you're madly in love with him?

Yeah. I said I was really jealous of you, and I knew how much

you loved that brooch, so I stole it and tried to break it,

which totally explains why I had it, but didn't get you in trouble.

Genius!

OK, but now my boyfriend thinks you fancy him.

You don't think that's going to make things a bit weird, do you?

Oh, yeah, right. Don't worry.

I'll think of a way to sort it, I promise.

We've lost everything.

All due to inadequate judge selection.

And maybe being a tiny bit patronising.

Well, there's nothing we can do now, is there?

Isn't there?

What's up?

Nothing.

Mum, if you have the choice between telling the truth and lying,

would you tell the truth even if it hurt someone's feelings?

Oh, crikey, no.

Remember when your Auntie Alice asked me whether she should wear

a red dress for our Saskia's wedding?

Well, I told her the truth,

that it made her bum look like two blancmanges in a plackie bag.

Well, she stopped speaking to me,

and she took back your granny's china cabinet.

SHE SIGHS

If I just said she looked delightful,

we would still have a solid oak sideboard and...

That's probably a bad example.

But sometimes I do think a little white lie

can save a lot of fuss.

-Really?

-Really.

I mean, imagine if I'd told you how I really felt about Mr Malone.

That he's...

..a really good teacher.

OK, the time capsule is being filled as we speak.

Just one woodlouse?

BOTH: No, Alfie. Absolutely not.

OK, OK.

How about...

..a slug?

BOTH: Ew!

Mr Malone will then lock the time capsule in the stationery cupboard

whilst the hole is being dug.

Then, at nine o'clock,

it will be moved to the hole where it'll be buried in front of the

whole school.

I see, so if you want to replace their stuff with ours...

We have to do it whilst it's locked in the stationary cupboard.

And we have to do it in the next 27 minutes.

Easy.

Compared to, say, Rutherford splitting the atom.

Not compared to that...

..quite tricky.

SHE SCREECHES

What are you doing?

Rob can't see us together while we've fallen out.

We haven't fallen out.

Oh, Lily, I'm after your man,

and I stole your lovely brooch, remember?

Of course we've fallen out.

Wow, Lily must be mad at Jas.

Apparently she really fancies Rob.

-See?

-How does Jenny know?

Sophie Taylor says it's all over her profile.

Jas?

I may have updated my status last night.

You know, to keep things convincing.

SHE BEATBOXES

# Rob is so cool

# Your picture makes me want to drool

# I love you more than rock loves Blackpool. #

Jas!

It'll be fine.

You don't want Rob getting suspicious, do you?

I wonder if Jas and Rob will end up together.

I mean, Lily has been a bit weird lately.

That bug brooch that she's been wearing?

Very strange.

I can't handle this any more.

Maybe I should just come clean.

As our tastes are so different, and you lied to me,

and let Jas really, really lie to me,

we should definitely break up.

Don't worry. I told you I'd sort this, and I have.

LILY SCREECHES

Why?

Why, Jas, why?

It's going to solve all your problems.

Look, we tell everyone that I felt bad about stealing your brooch,

so I bought you a new one as a present.

It's a sign that I've decided to put sisters before misters,

and we can all be friends again.

Sorted.

-Let me just pin this on.

-No!

This is the worst idea you have ever had.

And you're Jas Salford. So, there's a lot of competition.

I'm only trying to help.

Well, you're not. You're making things worse...

..as usual.

Fine, sort out your own problems, then.

What's up with her?

Her and Lily have fallen out, and it's all my fault.

Go on, quickly.

Jas really fancies me.

She told me I was hot like Mexico.

Well, your features do have a pleasing regularity.

Ugh, but I don't want those two to fight.

What can I do?

I can't stop being cool and really good-looking.

OK, listen, Robert.

Yesterday, I felt the same as you,

but not the cool and good-looking thing.

My charms are more unconventional, with an appeal all of their own...

Hello! You're supposed to be helping me.

I meant I felt like there was nothing I could do, but then,

someone said something wise to me and that something was...

"Isn't there?"

You mean, maybe I CAN stop being cool and really good-looking?

Yeah! What if I...

Sorry, my friend.

Motivational quotes are one thing, but I've got no time to talk detail.

I'm off to ensure my name echoes down the ages.

You're going to shout really loud?

Ollie, I'm really busy.

Sir, Derek Leatherhair,

mediocre musician with horrible hair and terrible trousers,

or awesome rock god?

Discuss.

Well,

the first thing to note about The Derekmeister is the way he layers

chords in masterpieces like Shriek of the Banshee.

Not to mention classics like Serpent's Fingers.

But the really interesting thing is his a cappella work.

I'll be needing 20 packs, plain printer paper.

..four packs black nib fine liner.

What do you mean you only have blue?

That is completely unacceptable.

I want to speak to your manager.

Fine. Well, get him to call me back.

I will wait right here till he does.

My number is 07700 900219.

PHONE RINGS

That was quick.

Now, about these fine liners.

Hello. I'm a concerned bystander and I've just seen your headmistress

dancing around outside the front of the school in her underwear.

I knew this would happen.

And I have not been a bit weird lately, OK?

I'm a perfectly normal person with a horrible brooch

that I completely love, OK?

She is so weird right now.

Watch it! Oh, Martha.

-Hi.

-Everything all right?

Oh, yeah.

I'm lying to my boyfriend,

the whole school's talking about whether I'm right for him,

and I've massively fallen out with Jas.

Things could only be worse if I fell in a hole.

Why is there a hole here?

Because we dug one.

For the time capsule.

This is what happens when you worry about other people's feelings, Lily.

I did try to tell you.

Yep, you were right.

-Excuse me.

-Where are you going?

To apologise to Jas for hurting her feelings.

But...

Ollie!

Now, if you are asking me what's my Leatherhair chord of all time,

I'd have to say it's this C from Dream For a Sky Child.

HE PLAYS A RIFF

Sir, it's time for the capsule.

Right. Where did I put that key?

I sincerely hope you haven't lost it, sir.

We'd be really disappointed if you had, sir.

No, no, no. It will be here somewhere.

Maybe it's in my trousers.

I mean, maybe you dropped it on the floor.

Shall we all look?

You know what they say, many eyes find keys.

Nothing. There it is!

Must need my eyes testing.

Right.

Come on, then, you lot.

We'll finish this chat later, Ollie.

There's nothing I'd love more, sir...

..than to die before that happens.

I love when a plan nearly falls apart and then comes together.

Obviously, none of this is your fault.

Obviously, it's all my fault for lying in the first place.

-Friends?

-No.

I learned my lesson.

So?

I learned my lesson after making rocket fuel out of cabbages.

Didn't bring my dad's shed back, though.

But, Jas...

THEY SCREAM

All right?

Rob? What are you doing?

Guys, this is all my fault.

No, it's not. It's mine.

-It is hers.

-No, it's mine.

It turns out I've got kind of a handsome face.

-You do.

-And Ollie made me see,

with great looks come great responsibility.

My face made you two fall out.

As if! You two are best friends, super close.

You're always there for each other.

You're jealous of Lily and me.

Well, I get jealous of Lily and you sometimes.

You can't stop being friends over something so silly.

And just in case you're worried...

We hide the awesome grill.

Maybe this whole love thing'll wear off pretty quick.

What do you reckon, Jas?

Just to check...

-I won't wear it when it's just me and you.

-Oh, brilliant!

APPLAUSE

I'm so sorry again, Jas.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Well, there is one thing.

I know you messed up, Mr Malone.

I just don't know how.

We ensured our legacy.

By using our superior intellect to fool some trusting younger children

who admire us.

I feel guilt, Martha.

I feel guilt also.

But we don't worry about people's feelings.

No, not other people's.

However, maybe we should worry about our own.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

Isn't there, Martha? Isn't there?

Oh, hey, don't worry about that.

I'm totes over you.

Oh.

Is that Lily's brooch?

Oh, yeah, she gave it to me cos she hates it.

I mean...

You hate it?

Well, when Jas says that, she means...

Well, hate is a very strong word.

It's more of a love-hate thing,

with more of the emphasis on love,

because when it comes to this brooch, I...

I lo...

..loathe it!

Rob, what were you thinking?!

"Oh, I know, I'm just going to buy my girlfriend the worst brooch in

"the whole world."

Apart from this one.

LILY SCREECHES

Yeah, apart from that one.

You should have just said.

You what?

You should have just said.

Yeah, you're so right.

I should have just said.

I'm sorry.

ROOSTER CROWS

Right, that's our stuff out.

We just need to put their stuff back in.

THEY CLEAR THEIR THROATS

Cousin Oliver, Martha, we thought you might try something like this.

Replacing our things with yours.

No, no, you don't understand. We...

We understand perfectly.

Now, close the capsule and step away.

-But we've just...

-Shown us the danger of working with your heroes?

Indeed.

Now, close it and go.

Don't say another word.

If you say so.

Well, we tried. There's nothing we can do if they won't listen.

Isn't there? Isn't there, Martha?

No, I don't think so.

Not this time.

And, really, in 37 years' time,

who's going to get het up about what was or wasn't buried?

Here it is.

Remember all those years ago, you said I couldn't pull it off?

Proved you wrong, didn't I?

-It's empty.

-I can explain.

Er...

Uh...

Who am I kidding?

HE GROANS